Hits & Misses: House of the Dead 2

Real Talk: Despite Uwe Boll having no involvement with this sequel, it still turns out to be shit.

Miss: *Some rando frat boys raided some rando sorority house with super soakers.* Because that what was missing from the House of the Dead games, apparently.

Miss: They dragged Sid Haig into this piece of shit.

Hit: Also, Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Sid Haig, god rest his soul.

Miss: Was there a reason why Professor Curien had to stripe this one dead college girl naked? All he did afterwards was injecting her in the arm with a special serum. It just feels deeply unnecessary and exploitive. Now I'm all for nudity as much as the next person but there needs to a reason/point for it.

Miss: Naked Zombie College Girl pulls a Batman without being Batman.

Miss: After the start of a zombie outbreak via opening credits, movie cuts to 29 days later with main character Alex on a dinner date. Consistent tone, how do?

Miss: Also there's no way this outbreak is contain in this one college campus during and/or after those 29 days. Were the zombies too lazy to stroll into town or something?

Miss: Stereotypical French chefs are stereotypical.

Hit: Oh hey it's Nathan Stark from Eureka.

Miss: So there's been reports of outbreaks and the whole of city hasn't gone to shit how?

Miss: Alex doesn't move the waiter away from infected French chef before turning into a zombie and bites the waiter. For someone who kills zombies as job you would think she do better than warning people to get away from an infected person.

Miss: So the colonel in charge of AMS is played by the same actress (Ellie Cornell) from the first movie. Even has the same last name Casper and is an amputee. So am I suppose to believe that the Casper from the first HOTD movie went from harbor patrol to a colonel in the two years between movies? Either way movie did a piss poor job to established that.

Miss: Movie's trying too hard to be like Starship Troopers with the co-ed shower/looker room.

Hit: Alex side boob

Miss: Oh god they dragged Dan Southworth into this garbage.

Hit: Also, Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Dan "Vergil" Southworth.

Miss: *Nakagawa (Southworth's character) does a stupid by fighting a zombie hand to hand. Only to end up bitten on the hand doing a grapple move.* Well that was a waste of Southworth's time.

Miss: *Griffin spots a "survivor" and just assumes it's not a zombie because "they don't read".* Oh yes, this one college kid calmly sitting in a dark library in the middle of an outbreak raising no suspicions at all. These special forces guys sure are the best. 

Hit: Half Naked Zombie Chick

Miss: *Bart tries to get Henson to take a picture of himself with the dead half naked zombie woman. Then contemplates on whether or not to "stick his dick in her".* The special forces requirements/processing are either lacking in professional etiquette or just run by fucked up creepos. 

Miss: *Instead of keep moving with the rest of the group, Griffin decides to split off to investigate a noise elsewhere. Only to eventually get killed by zombies.* Nice going jackass...

Miss: *Movie reveals that before Rudy and Alicia (from the first movie) returned to the mainland, Rudy injects Alicia with Castillo's serum to revived her. But eventually she turns and kills Rudy while his father Roy Curien kept her captive for his experiments.* OK one problem, Alicia was just find at the end of the first movie; despite the fact she was stabbed in the chest. Also when did Rudy got a hold of Castillo's serum? His lab got blown up after Rudy and Alicia escape. And what made Rudy think the serum would heal Alicia and not turn her into a monster in the process?

Real Talk: With Alex and Ellis obtaining a blood sample from zombie Alicia the movie will go out of its way to have dumb situations happen.

Real Talk: After all the trouble of getting the right blood sample for a cure, Ellis loses the sample after a zombie grabs his back pouch doing the escape.

Real Talk/Sarcasm: After what happened last time you'd think they get multiple blood samples just in case? But I'm sure Alex and Ellis will escape with the ONE blood sample this time. 

Miss/Sarcasm: *After Ellis hands over the blood sample to Bart, Alex shoots him behind. But Bart set off a grenade, killing himself and destroying the blood sample.* Oh no, that ONE blood sample got destroyed and the building where zombie Alicia was kept got bombed so they can't go back again. So now humanity is screwed thanks to Alex and Ellis being too stupid to obtain more than one blood sample. Good work guys... 

Hits & Misses: Annihilation

Miss: When a movie starts with the one surviving character then having to recap on what become of the other characters in flashbacks. It makes it difficult to connect with the other characters now knowing they won't make it to the end. 

Real Talk: The movie shows flashbacks of Lena before and after her husband goes into the Shimmer. They really don't amount to anything with the main plot in my opinion so I won't be mentioning them.

Miss: The previous teams sent into the Shimmer were mostly military and (besides Kane) never came back out. How's a team of five scientists gonna fair any better? It be one thing the movie establishes that there's something unique/special about this team in particular. But it doesn't seem to play out that way, especially when it's already spoiled that (except for Lena) the team doesn't make it.

Miss: Also since they have lack of hard data on what goes on in the Shimmer. They might as well be carrying a neon sign reading "OH YEAH, WE DONE SCREWED OURSELVES".

Real Talk: Lena talking to Ventress: "Why are you going into the Shimmer?" Ventress: "The mission statement is to reach the supposed source of the Shimmer, the lighthouse. Enter and acquire data and return." Given how no team has ever returned with any acquired data I considered that mission statement a bust.

Miss: No offense to Jennifer Jason Leigh's acting but she sounds really bored in this movie.

Miss: *Lena and the team enters the Shimmer with no type of hazmat protection.* What is it with certain sci-if horror films having a group of characters exploring an alien environment with next to no protective suits? It didn't worked so well with the characters of Alien Covenant. 

Hit: *Lena takes down a mutating alligator with an M-16.* The way how Natalie Portman held the gun clearly shows she's been training for this scene. Unlike some other movie where she didn't train for a certain character and the studio just gave her CGI muscles.

Hit: *Lena looks over the dead alligator.* Credit for the prosthetic work on the alligator.

Real Talk: Cass explains to Lena that they're all "damaged goods". Anya is a former addict, Josie hides her self-harm scares on her forearms and Cass lost her daughter from Leukemia. As much as this is really heartbreaking, I'm reminded that these characters won't survive to the end. And it's not like their personal demons will come into affect within the Shimmer.

Hit: *The group watches a video recording of Kane cutting open a soldier to find his insides moving like eels.* OK...that was a really gruesome effect.

Miss: *Anya denies what happened in the video and claims the soldiers went crazy and killed themselves.* I hate that one character in most movies/shows who's the skeptic of the bunch despite the weird things that've been happening so far. We the audience know what just happened and the movie doesn't attempt to makes us see/think otherwise. So it just comes off one sided therefore not fully agreeing with Anya. Oculus done something similar but did it right; the two characters arguing of remembering things wrong/differently. And the movie shows this from the two characters perspective rather then being one sided.

Hit: *Ventress and the others find the remains of the soldier now all molded/reshaped to the wall of an empty pool.* This is like a wet dream of H.P. Lovecraft and H.R. Geiger.

Miss: Now how did this big ass bear managed stealthy napped Cass just like that? 

Real Talk: There's really nothing stopping/preventing the group from leaving from the Shimmer. (Except for Ventress who has cancer so she really doesn't care by this point. And Lena lied to Anya and Josie into continuing deeper in the Shimmer.) It's not like they're being threaten or blackmailed or some eldritch entity is keeping them from leaving. I mean yeah Lena wants to know what happened to Kane but is it worth having your DNA in constant mutation by the Shimmer? I'm just failing to see any motivations to keep moving forward with zero chance of survival. So many teams went into the Shimmer and never seen again, by that point it's a lost cause. Utterly no further reason to investigate the Shimmer.

Hit: *As Lena, Ventress and Josie are tied up by Anya. The mutated bear that killed Cass enters the house and roars with Cass's voice repeating "help me".* If that's not the perfect nightmare fuel I don't know what is.

Miss: *This one bear maws Anya to death within seconds but merely baby taps Lena until Josie kills it.* Well that's definitely plot armor....

Miss: Lena talking to Ventress: "What are you doing?" Ventress: "I'm leaving..." Lena: "Now? It's not even light yet." Ventress: "I don't have time to wait. We are disintegrating. Our bodies as fast as our minds. Can't you feel it? It's like an onset of dementia. If I don't reach the lighthouse soon... The person that started this journey won't be the person that ends it. I won't be the one that ends it." Again nothing's stopping you from leaving the Shimmer knowing damn well what's happening to your body. An alien phenomenon that continuously mutates all DNA should be enough acquired data to go by. But OK just keep going because reasons. I'm sure the novel has some explanations that are missing from this movie.

Hit: Josie having roots growing from her self-harm scars is quite unsettling.

Miss: When Lena finally arrives at the lighthouse, one question crossed my mind. If getting to the lighthouse was the objective than why not just airdrop close to it? Kinda a waste of time taking the long way getting to the source of the phenomenon.

Hit: Oscar Isaac's performance when Lena finds a video of Kane talking to his doppelganger before killing himself.

Hit: *When Lena finds Ventress at the source, her face is of dark greyish and eyeless. But goes back to normal when Lena calls her name.*

Miss: *Earlier Kane's doppelganger was slowly dying but when the Shimmer got destroyed he's fully stablized.* Well that's convenient. 

Hits & Misses Halloween: Nekrotronic

Hit: What the Doom movies should've been vs what we ended up with.

Hit: This film's bad ass intro.

Hit: This film's hilarious narration by David Wenham.

Miss: Now I hate to be that guy but necromancers are (undead) mages who commands anything that's dead and/or reanimated. And yet we don't see none of that in this movie. So why exactly are these demon hunters called necromancers?

Hit: Howard and Rangi reminds me of Earl and Val from Tremors.

Hit: Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Monica Bellucci!

LOL: Rangi is basically playing Discount Pokemon Go.

Real Talk: *Finnegan sucks the soul out of a man.* Suddenly I'm getting Lifeforce flashbacks.

Hit: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wenham!

Hit: Finnegan before sending a demon after Howard: "Rip, tear, kill, eat..." Someone on the writing team is clearly a fan of Doom.

Hit: I love the concept of transferring demons into other people via internet. Kinda like what some Twitter users wish they can do whenever they wanna cancel someone for wrong think.

Miss: Basically these "necromancers" have force powers, so Discount Jedi.

Miss: Rangi gets shot in the head by possessed human.

Real Talk: *Howard tries to run away from Molly until he's hit by a car.* Been there before...

Hit: And now we have ghost Rangi, nice.

Hit: Finnegan in a demonic voice after Howard hesitates to do what she says: "Don't be a pussy, Howard! Just plug in the fucking cable!" I just love Monica's acting in this movie.

Hit: Howard: "My mother try to force feed me a soul through a hole in the back of my head." Molly: Really? Well I'm glad she didn't." Torquel: "If she did we have to force feed you with a bullet through a hole in front of your head." 

Hit: Bad ass anti-possession suits.

Hit: *Torquel revealing BETSI* Now that's a big fucking gun.

Real Talk: Despite how fool proof Molly's plan to steal a Necropod. I had a sneaky feeling it'll go to shit somehow.

Miss: *Rangi makes a loud thud that spooks Howard into activating an EMP device too soon.* And would you look at that, Molly's plan went to shit. 

Hit: Molly and Torquel opens the Necropod to find severed head. And suddenly I'm getting Alien flashbacks when Molly talks to the head.

Miss/Hit: Howard tries to get Torquel's soul out of Finnegan's network only to make her head explode. But despite how mess up it was that was awesome.

Real Talk: When I watched this film with my friends, one of them points out that Howard looks like Discount Tony Stark. And I kinda agree.

Hit: Torquel's new look after being revived from the necro-pool is very beautiful. 

Miss: The populace nearly had their souls sucked out by Finnegan. But after Torquel stops her, they just went on about their business as if nothing happened. Not even questioning why they were staring up in the air with blue light shooting from their mouths for some reason.

Hit: Finnegan's demonic form after the necro-pool is freaking impressive. Credit to the make-up and costume department for such an amazing effort put into it. 

Hits & Misses: Independents' Day

Real Talk: Well it's 4th of July might as well review a mockbuster version of the 1996 movie.

Real Talk: The Asylum, my ancient enemy....

Miss: Either these two military guys are on leave or there wasn't enough budget to have them be driving a military vehicle. 

Miss: The effects of the alien ships just gives off cheap sci-fi tv show vibes.

Miss: Obvious CGI alien ships blended in the background of obvious stock image cities are obvious.

Miss: The President: "Is the Vice-President at the [AWKWARD SHORT PAUSE]  Virginia bunker?" I'm positive the weird pause in that line was not intentional and couldn't be bothered for retake.

Real Talk: *Fighter jets in combat against the alien fighter crafts.* Why does this scene feel so familiar?

Miss: *The alien mother ship hovers above the White House and fires a particle beam weapon in the same manner from the movie Independence Day.* I know The Asylum is known for copying better movies but they could at least try to make it less obvious.

Hit: For some reason I think Vice-President Raney's kinda hot.

Real Talk: *Raney is sworn in as the new President after the current one died.* Independence Day Resurgence has a similar scene, now it's a matter which copied whom. 

Miss: Orion Alien Voice: "It is not our intent to destroy you. Our mission is one of peace." Says this after shooting down two fighter jets that were only on recon. And after taking out a fleet of fighter jets you vaporized the White House. Forgive me that I just don't believe your bullshit, especially when your true intent is revealed later.

Miss: The Orions can only evacuate 7 million people from Earth while the remaining humans are left to die. Well that's not sketchy at all. And why 7 million instead the whole population, are they short-staffed or something?  

Miss: You know it really doesn't help using stock footage of different cities. Especially when there's people just walking along, paying no attention to the alien ships occupying the skies.

Miss: The Orion alien after Raney opens a dialogue: "You attacked us..." No they didn't, you attacked first. Either these aliens have a really bad memory or this movie's writer does?

Real Talk: You've seen this in many low budget sci-fi, alien/futuristic interiors made from plastic crates and pallets.

Miss: What impressive medical technology the Orions have, Raney's son gets heal from an illness while screaming in pain. 

Real Talk: There's these militia group fighting against the aliens and that's all I can tell you.

Miss: This one cop lets a small group of armed militia pass the blockade to the Orion transport ship. What could possibly go wrong.

Miss: Raney's husband is working with the First Earth militia, what could possibly go wrong?

Miss: The same small group of First Earth militia from the first transport ship enters a different transport ship yet the Orion scanners don't seem to recognize them. Such an advanced race these Orions are.

Miss: The transport ship can scan for weapons but not any type of explosives. This isn't obviously convenient at all.

Miss: And apparently these Orion scanners can't hear the militia group talking loud and clear about their plans.

Miss: *A Dr. Goddard performs an autopsy on a dead Orion recovered by the First Earth group.* They have decent prosthetic effects for close ups of the alien but uses an obvious GCI of the alien for pan outs.

Miss: Also this guy didn't seem to be perform any autopsy considering there's no surgical procedures or anything. The guy's just sitting down listing things. And I'm pretty sure most cadavers are facing up in autopsies.

Miss: There's a military major trying  to access a computer system on the transport ship and no security system isn't attempting to stop him. And this was after the alien computer fires a laser beam at a red shirt lieutenant. 

Miss: And what a convenience for the alien computer to understand human language for some reason.

Miss: *Goddard creates a pathogen that'll kill the Orions.* Suddenly I'm getting V/War of the Worlds flashbacks.

Hit/LOL: This line from Kelly Reed: "It's time to blow up some more alien shit."  

Miss: This line from President Raney apologizing to Major Fry: "I'm sorry for the loss of your men." Man, he had only one man with him! The fuck are you talking about?!

Miss: *Raney discuss matters with the Orion Queen.* The GCI of the queen and the background makes me feel like I'm playing an FMV game.

Miss: Oh no! The aliens had a hidden agenda this whole time! Just look how shocked I am.  -_-

Miss: So the Orions need human blood to power their energy source. As impressive the concept is there's a lot holes in the execution. First they drain the blood from humans which kills them; they don't even preserved the bodies or anything. Bit of a waste of limited resources when there's no options to maintain it like cloning or human livestock.  

Miss: The skies raining fire and debris yet everything looks normal on the ground. 

Hits & Misses: Warlock: The Armageddon

Real Talk: You're wondering why I'm reviewing the sequel instead of the first movie? Well I never watch much of the first one but the Warlock II was shown more frequently on TV. Also I kinda like the sequel a little more.

Real Talk: *The moon falls into a lunar eclipse.* Suddenly I'm getting Elvira Mistress of the Dark flashbacks. 

Real Talk: *Cut to a woman with whiteout eyes and demonic screams.* Now I'm getting Evil Dead flashbacks.

Miss: Get use to the early 90s GCI/visual effects being really meh.

Hit: But the practical effects are surprisingly top notch for a 1993 film.

Real Talk: *Men on horseback starts killing the druids after they perform a magical abortion.*  Man them pro-lifers don't mess around.

Miss: Movie introduces Kenny Travis who's basically the lame version of Peter Parker.

Hit: Oh hey, it's Mr. Wint from Diamonds Are Forever.

Hit: Oh hey, it's the police captain from the Lethal Weapon movies.

Real Talk: The Twin Towers in pre-9/11, just felt like pointing it out.

Hit: *Woman starts taking her robe off before entering her bedroom.* Quick side boob!

Hit: *Woman quickly puts on her dress.* Another side boob with a bonus ass shot!

Real Talk: I know this demonic pregnancy scene is suppose to be scary. But the way how it's done with the woman in a sexy dress, her legs spread open and does those short breaths it just comes off as kinky than scary.

Real Talk: Congratulation, ma'am it's an eldritch horror abomination. 

Miss: The Warlock's a dick to dogs.

Hit: The now dead woman forms a skin map from her belly.

Miss: Now why's the Warlock given only six days to gather the runestones? He can't seem to teleport and he only flies whenever the script says so. It's kinda tricky going cross-country with just six days.

Real Talk: An evil being is gathering six powerful stones to bring forth Armageddon. Why does that sound familiar?

Hit: Oh hey, it's Zach Galligan from Gremlins!

Real Talk: If this movie was made in post-Covid, the Warlock would get shot for being uncomfortably too close to people. Sure that wouldn't do anything to the Warlock but still.

Miss: I know Kenny and Samantha have a thing but their chemistry is underwhelming at best. 

Real Talk: *Kenny's dad, Will shows up with double barrel shotgun and shoots him dead.* OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!

Real Talk: *After being revived from the dead, Kenny freaks out and pissed at the fact.* To be fair he has every right to be freaking out and really mad about it. His dad could've prepared him or give him a warning before shooting.

Hit: *The Warlock enters the dressing area of a fashion show.* Tits and ass everywhere!

Hit: Say what you want about the Warlock but at least he has a strict rule of having the person give up a stone willingly and freely. Rather than the Warlock to just take them by force.

Hit: The visual effects for the Warlock and Paula Dare when they started floating is really good.

Miss: But it's immediately ruined when the scene switched to a horrible blue screen effect when they fly higher. 

Hit: There's a scene of Kenny, Will, Franks, Samantha and Reverend Ted in the middle of the street. And you can totally see Samantha's ass through her pink dress.

Miss: Kenny: "I didn't ask you to shoot me!" Will: "Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, the warrior rises from his own death. That's the way it's written." Why? Who the hell made up that rule? What, they couldn't just do a spell to unlock their "Druid Warrior" powers? Having one be killed and then brought back from the dead just to get magical powers is a bit extreme here.  

Real Talk: Kenny: "Well what else is written?" Will: "That the Warlock will come for the stones." Kenny: "So why don't we just run with them?" Will: "Cause he'll find us wherever we go." Yeah but he has less than six days left, you can just run with the stones until then. Just saying....

Miss: And just throwing this out there, Kenny's such a whiney bitch.

Miss: Reverend Ted: "You keep him away from her! I don't want your son around my daughter." Will: "There has to be two, Ted! Two!" So apparently there needs to be two Druid Warriors to fight the Warlock, which I have to ask why? Why not four Druid Warriors to fight him or six or eight? Hell, why not a whole freaking army to fight the Warlock? Just two magical people fighting the Warlock doesn't leave much room for error in case shit goes south.

Miss: The Warlock's a dick to rabbits.

Miss: Also when did the Warlock know how to drive a car? 

Miss: Nothing like a knock-off Star Wars training scene to pad out the movie. Hell even the music is ripping off Star Wars.

Miss: That CGI effect on that baseball is just terrible.

Real Talk: You know if Will trained Kenny at an early age then just maybe his control wouldn't suck so much ass.

Miss: *Movie cuts to some funhouse.* I got nothing matte paintings being use as backgrounds. Especially when work's been put to make it fit seamlessly with the rest of the scenery. But here, they didn't do a good job to make this obvious funhouse matte painting any less obvious. 

Real Talk: Fake psychic talking to the funhouse hustler: "Don't sell him the stone, he's evil. The deliverer of Armageddon." OK, thanks for the warning Discount Crazy Ralph.  

Hit: *The Warlock's upside down on the ceiling above the funhouse hustler.* Not a bad effect there.

Hit: And you gotta love Julian Sands performance when he's taunting the funhouse huslter. 

Real Talk: *Ethan (another druid) was about to stab the Warlock with a special dagger. But gets killed offscreen and see the bloody, gory aftermath when the Warlock gets off the elevator.* I feel sorry for the poor soul who has to clean up this mess.

Real Talk: *The Warlock and Nathan placing the stones on a table.* FOUR STONES, FOUR CRATES!

Real Talk: Nathan: "How much do you want for them?" Warlock: "They're not for sale." Nathan: "Everything is for sale." Warlock: "Including your soul?" Don't answer that!

Miss: Samantha has good control of her powers before she's reborn and seems to have some idea of what's going. While Kenny just sucks with his powers even after he's reborn. Why couldn't the movie follow her around instead of whiney ass Kenny?

Miss: That establishing shot of Kenny flowing in an obvious blue screen effect is just awful.

Real Talk: I'm surprised (and disappointed) that squirrel didn't try to bite Kenny's face off.

Hit: Samantha does a force choke on douchebag Andy.

Miss: Andy just up and leaves his truck behind after Samantha tells to leave. I'm sure this won't be a plot convenience for later.

Miss: Someone on the writing team wrote "Kenny and Samantha making out in the woods, at night, while leaves are falling on them". This is like if Twilight was made in the 90s; some weird ass erotic YA stories you see on the Lifetime channel. 

Hit: But hey if there's any consolation, Samantha ass shot. 

Miss: These people sees a poor woman tied and nailed upside down on a cross yet couldn't be bother to get her down. But hey lets blame the good magic person who had nothing to with it. What a bunch of assholes.

Real Talk/LOL: Look out, Kenny's scaring off the masses with his really shitty CGI baseball effect!

LOL: Warlock: "Give me the stone." Franks: "You'll never get the stone." Warlock: "GIVE ME THE STONE!" Franks: "YOU'LL NEVER GET THE STONE!" Warlock: "GIVE ME THE STONE!" Franks: "YOU'LL NEVER GET THE STONE!" I really got nothing here, it's just so goofy. 

Miss: The Warlock chops Franks' arm off, acquiring the fifth stone.* OK, so much for letting the person give up a stone willingly, freely.

Miss: So these Druids have a potion that heals and revives them from death. But for some reason Franks doesn't get that option after having both arms chopped by the Warlock then gets mercy killed by Kenny.

Real Talk: *Kenny gets impaled on a uprooted pipe after being blown away by the Warlock.* FATALITY!

Miss: Kenny sets the Warlock on fire and effects for that are not so good.

Real Talk: Don't mess with Will and Ted, they got double barrel shotguns.

Miss: There was clearly a third shot from one of their double barrel shotguns.

Miss: I'm sure Kenny really appreciates the healing support, Will but couldn't you pull out the pipe first?

Hit: Seeing Samantha gunning it on her motorcycle through the woods looks like I'm watching some high school/teenage action flick.

Real Talk: And now I said that, were there such films like that in the 90s.

Miss: Do I even need to mention how terrible the Warlock's flying effect are?

Hit: Samantha impales the Warlock with a tree branch, nice!

Miss: So instead of getting back on her bike and ride away. Samantha decides a better idea is move closer to the Warlock with the obvious chance that he's not dead and can easily get the stone. What a dumb ass....

Miss: As the Warlock pushes a large rock on Samantha, you can easily see a film crew pushing the (fake) rock in one scene. Then seeing a rope attached to the (fake) rock in the next scene. I guess doing retakes are for losers.

Hit: Super slo-mo panty shot action as Samantha gets force pushed by the Warlock. 

Miss: Dude, you didn't have to unbutton her dress you could've just pull the stone off of her by the necklace.

Real Talk: Oh no, the eclipse made everything go Day-For-Night!

Real Talk: So with all six stones, the Warlock can now place them on his gauntlet and erase half of the.... Sorry wrong movie...

Real Talk: *The Warlock binds Kenny with roots from a nearby tree.* Evil Dead flashbacks, again.

Miss: Kenny just summoned a bolt of lightning like he's freaking Thor yet can't switch on the headlights of Andy's truck. Oh fuck off....

Real Talk: *Kenny and Samantha were able to expose the stones with the headlights. Stopping the Warlock's ritual.* You might say that the Warlock was....BLIIIINDED BYYYY THE LIIIIIGHT!

Miss: So the Warlock brought along the one weapon (the dagger from Ethan) that can kill him. What a fucking idiot!

Miss: Dude, just stab Kenny already! Stop caressing him like a fucking creepo, gees!

Hit: Kenny uses headbutt, it was super effective.

Miss: Do I even need to mention how awful that CGI dagger is?

Hit: The practical effects of the Warlock melting and deteriorating after being stabbed, very cool.

Hits & Misses: Hologram Man

Real Talk: It's exactly I remembered as a kid, cheesy as fuck.

Hit: Movie starts off with a police shootout.

Hit: Captain Strickland practically brought out a freaking Caster Gun!

Hit: And after that action scene we cut to a sex scene already in progress. Movie wastes no time at all.

Miss: *Decoda jumps into the driver seat and speeds away from the motorcade ambush.* Where the fuck did the limo driver go, did he get Thanos snapped between cuts?

Hit: *Slash drives the city bus through a low bridge that rips the roof of the bus right off.* Suddenly I'm getting Terminator 2 flashbacks.

Real Talk: Slash looks like Buff Bagwell with dreads.

Real Talk: And of course you can't have a dystopian future movie without some megacorporation in control of everything.

Hit: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. William Sanderson. God rest his soul.

Hit: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tommy Lister Jr. God rest his soul.

Real Talk: Meanwhile, at a random factory shootout.

Miss: Dumbass SWAT guy stands out in the open while firing his assault rifle with one hand.

Real Talk: KURT DECODA....BADASS ACTION HERO MODE ACTIVATED!

Real Talk: *In the middle of a hostage taking situation, Decoda shoots the hostage only to be revealed that she's actually an Iron Crow member.* Guess Decoda should be lucky that woman was a gang member. Otherwise this would've got really awkward.  

Hit: As silly as the hologram effects look now, it's still pretty decent. 

Miss: Oh yes, just shoot this one guy who's a hologram instead of flesh and blood. I'm sure that'll work somehow.

Real Talk: Discount Star Trek Next Generation Holodeck.

Hit: The actor playing Slash has such campy, over the top acting, I love it.

Miss: Typical corporate police force having no regard for the innocent. 

Miss: Also have these corpos forgot that Slash's a hologram? What are they gonna do, talk him to death?

Miss: Corpo cops are getting shot despite taken cover while Slash's men are out in open without getting hit whatsoever. Just...how???

Hit/LOL: *Slash takes a shotgun and swings it like a baseball bat at a security drone.*

Miss: This one security drone doesn't attack Slash or his men. It just floats there and let's Slash swing at it.

Miss: Seriously how are these cops getting shot despite taken cover while Slash and crew are out in the open without taking a single hit? 

Hit: One Eye: "Aren't you gonna party, Slash? The men are waiting for you." Slash: "I don't feel much like celebrating tonight." One Eye: "You look like you've lost your best friend." Slash: "No... Just my best adversary." 

Hit: For a megalomaniac, Slash is such a badass. 

Hit: *Close up shot of Slash ripping off his polymer skin.* That was a cool effect.

Hit: Hologram Fight, don't think I've seen anything like this.

Hits & Misses: Within The Rock

Real Talk: Minus the killer space monster, Armageddon totally ripped off this movie.

Real Talk: "Earth 2019 A.D." This movie had no idea of the real threat coming in 2020.

Hit: Special/visual effects were pretty decent for a movie from 1996.

Hit: Credit for the set designs.

Real Talk: Oh hey it's Leo from Charmed.

Miss: Ryan, king scumbag of the universe.

Real Talk: Did Armageddon had characters drilling into the asteroid with metal music playing in the background? No it did not....   

Real Talk: *Potter checking on the atmosphere processor.* Does the film take place in the same universe as Aliens?

Real Talk: One of the main characters goes by the nickname Nuke em. Was the director a Duke Nukem fan? 

Hit: Ryan tries to sweet talk with Dana but she ain't having that shit.

Hit: *As the atmosphere generator powers down, the creature slowly regenerates back to life.* Really juicy practical effects.  

Miss: Now how did this creature manage to prop Potter back in the same position he was after chewing his face off?

Hit: Impressive creature design and has a nifty camouflage. 

Miss: It's the next shift and no one notice that Potter and Banton have not been around anywhere.

Miss: Ryan shoots the creature only to have no effect, so he shoots it again only to get hit by the ricochets. Dumbass..... 

Miss: The creature just leaves Ryan for some reason.

Real Talk: How convenient for an ancient race leaving a warning in primitive binary code for the main characters to learn about the creature.

Miss: Instead of double tapping the creature from a safe distance, Nuke em decides to move in for a closer look. Allowing the creature to grab her once it recovered.

Hit: But in hindsight we get a gruesome death scene as Nuke em goes for her drill gun only to shoot herself in the head accidentally in the struggle. Having the drill bit digging into her head until she dies. 

Miss: *Luke tries to fight the creature with a pickaxe but gets stabbed in the gut.* My friend I understand it killed your crush (Nuke em) but maybe think up a better idea than just attacking the thing head on.

Hit: Archer rams the creature with the rover: "Well screw you, too!" That definitely sounds like a John Carpenter's The Thing reference. 

Miss: Does Ryan not notice the creature that Dana and Cody are trying to kill? Why is he trying to kill them instead of helping them?

Hit: *Dana and Cody guts the creature with the drill head while metal music's playing in the background.* Was the director a Doom fan?

Hit: Also nice gore effects....

Hits & Misses: Llamageddon

Real Talk: This was the most painfully awful movie that I've ever had the dishonor to suffer through. Just sheer mind-numbing pain in an hour long movie. If this movie was a weapon of mass destruction it'd be banned by the Geneva Convention. This movie would be the perfect method for psychology torture.

Hit: Movie has an animated opening sequence that gives the vibes of the classic animated movie, Heavy Metal.

Miss: Too bad the rest of the movie isn't animated, would've made it slightly tolerable.

Miss: Pay no attention to these random scientist people investigating the spaceship of a killer space llama. They don't serve no real importance to the story in any way sharp or form.

Miss: This lead....scientist guy....I think.... Gets out of the helicopter, assess the alien landing site, then heads back to the copter and leaves. Well that scene was a....relevant....maybe.....

Miss: This movie has the most uncomfortably awkward use of close shots you've ever seen. As if the characters are trying to eat your face off. If it was meant to be intentionally funny it didn't work.

Miss: I'm guessing the Floyd character is meant to be on the spectrum but the actor playing him really isn't selling it so well. 

Miss: *Mel on her phone inviting friends over.* The scene doesn't change to different camera shots/angles. While Mel is kept in center frame through whole scene and the jump cuts don't help with out either.

Miss: These scientists still don't serve any real importance, just nothing but padding.

Real Talk: Most of the party goers at Mel's and Floyd's place are just Redshirts, not wasting my time knowing any of them.

Miss: The movie really goes nowhere until the killer space llama shows up at the party.

Miss: The Dan character keeps changing shirts between scenes and I don't mean he takes off one shirt and slips on another. I mean he's wearing a shirt in one scene but wears a completely different shirt in the next. For what reason this happens, I don't know. But what I do know is that it isn't fucking funny.

Miss: After discussing on how get Floyd laid, Mel and Dan started dancing when some random music kicks in. And fuck me if I know why.

Hit: Random Party Girl Ass Shot

Miss: Just throwing this out there, the special effects of this are shit.

Miss: This movie made it possible to have the sex scene being uncomfortably gross.

Hit: *Mel sees a tit pic on her boyfriend's phone.* And there you go the only tit you gonna get from this movie.

Miss: And here's the scene that mentally broke me. Awhile ago Mel was calling people over for a party, hell she just texted someone not so long ago. But for some reason none of the characters' phones aren't getting a signal. How? Why? They phones were working just fine. Does the killer space llama have a built in phone jammer or something?

Miss: Mel's boyfriend gets slimed by some space llama green goo and starts mutating into some man-llama. And I can't bring myself to find it funny or scary or both. 

Miss: *Floyd, Mel and Dan finds the space llama's ship, Dan obtains an "alien weapon".* Oh yeah that's clearly an alien weapon and not an obvious wiffle bat wrapped in aluminum foil. This movie is so cheap....

Real Talk: Dan was such a meaningless character, the second he finished his motivational speech he gets vaporized by the space llama.

Miss: some of the scenes near the end felt like they're taking an eternity to get through. A fucking sloth can take a shit faster than this film's pacing. 

Real Talk: I swear that rap song at the end credits felt like it was giving me an aneurysm. 

Hits & Misses Halloween: Underwater

Hit: I'm really digging the music in the opening credits and I swear that wasn't a pun considering where the movie takes place.

Real Talk: The newspaper clippings essentially acts as a setup before shit hits the fan at the drilling station.

Hit: Not gonna lie, Kristen Stewart is a good actress when giving a decent script/role. Rather than coming off as just droning on with her performance like in Twilight.

Hit: Hell at least her character's narration sounds more interesting than Bella's pretentious blabbering.

Hit: Also Kristen's kinda cute with glasses.

Miss: Paul talking Norah after being dug up from the rubble: "You sweet flat chested elven creature." Well that's just rude, I mean yeah she is flat chested but still rude.

Real Talk: Although he did brought up an interesting concept of Kristen Stewart as an elf. It could work, have the right writer, producer and director it could work. And Kristen can totally pull off the appearance of an elf given her androgynous features.

Hit: Norah's no Ellen Ripley but she's no cardboard cut-out caricature either. Especially when she doesn't just conveniently knows and/or has every skill imaginable. I'm looking at you Rey (NOT)Skywalker.

Real Talk: No idea why Paul is carrying around a bunny plushie the whole time and to tell you the truth I don't wanna know. Somethings are better off as a mystery and never to be brought up again.

Miss: *Close up on Paul's ass while wearing ripped underwear.* I did not need to see that.

Hit: *Norah Ass Shot* Now that I did need to see.

Hit: Them diving suits look more like futuristic battle armor, they do look cool though. Also they make Norah look kinda bad ass.

Real Talk: An elven Kristen Stewart in a futuristic battle armor, that could totally work.

Hit: Seeing Liam wearing a bandana in these diving suits gives me Leviathan flashbacks.

Miss: *When the exterior hatch opens, Rodrigo's helmet starts to crack then eventually him and his suit implodes.* OK, why did that happened? Did Rodrigo not check the helmet for cracks? Or he did and just thought it be no big deal? Did he had a death wish?  That was a random thing to happen is what I'm saying.

Miss: Norah talking about Rodrigo: "He knew that helmet was faulty." So he did had a death wish? Why would he still use that helmet regardless? And it's not like the movie hint at it too well about the helmet being faulty when he checked it.

Hit: Gotta give the movie credit for making the characters likable and have camaraderie even in the middle of a crisis. 

Hit: Paul's and Liam's POV adds some tension when they're searching a destroyed escape pod.

Hit: Emily messing around with the weird sea creature gives me flashbacks of Ash examining the Facehugger.

LOL: Paul: "This better not be some Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea shit, man."

Real Talk: To anyone who has played the video game Soma may get a thrill out of this movie.

Hit: Movie turns into an underwater survival horror once the sea creatures show up.

Hit: You can tell the budget went into these different locations.

Real Talk: Paul talking to his plushie: "How are you doing there, buddy? You want your bunny heater?" I don't wanna know what the hell that is.

Hit: Look closely in the distance behind Paul and you see a monstrous figure among the blinking red light. No stupid music stingers just subtle tension building.

Hit: *Paul is being pulled under but Norah and the others try to pull him back. Until his been pulled so hard from the leg that he practically got yanked out of his suit.*

Miss: There are dangerous sea creatures roaming around and none of the characters didn't stay close to Liam so he doesn't get grabbed.

Hit: The characters POVs from their helmets make things look claustrophobic when the sea creatures attack.

Hit: There are some quiet moments to get to know the characters a little more.

Hit: Norah in her diving suit taking out a sea creature with a flare gives me some Metroid flashbacks.

Real Talk: After Norah takes out one of the creatures from swallowing her whole, she fires a flare and sees what I assume is the momma of these creatures. She's bad ass man and I mean big.

Hit: Kristen Stewart running around in her bra and underwear.

Miss: Two pods are operational for Liam and Emily to escape but a third pod isn't, leaving Norah to stay behind.

Hit: Seeing Norah punching Emily was kinda hot.

Hit: Norah's final narration after setting the station's core to meltdown, killing the big momma and the creatures: "You lose your sense of time in the dark. So let's light this shit up." 

Hits & Misses Halloween: Harbinger Down

Hit: This movie is like what The Thing prequel should've been versus what we ended up with.

Hit: Svetlana talking to Dock: "He's begging for an ass kicking." Graff talking to Svetlana: "If anybody's going be delivering an ass kicking, it's gonna be me. You pull a knife on my ship and I'll gut you with it." Graff doesn't fuck around.

Hit: Also ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lance Henriksen!

Miss: Stephen sure can't document a video, Ronelle's try to get footage of the salvaged moon lander and he keeps telling her to stay on him.

Hit/Real Talk: Movie has likable characters, except for Stephen he's a bit of an asshole.

Hit/LOL: "Professor Asswipe..."

Real Talk: Just pointing this out but are Svetlana's eyes suppose to look like that or is she wearing contacts?

Miss: Sadie was wearing gloves when inspecting the moon lander and its pilot. But go right ahead Stephen, touch anything in there with your bare hands. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

Miss: Stephen talking to Sadie and Graff: "Instead of leaving sealed human remains inside of a pressure suit. She chose to expose us all to who knows what kind of biohazard." He's not wrong but then again he did exposed himself to said who-knows-what-kind-of-biohazard by putting his bare hands on the dead cosmonaut. Jackass...

Hit: Graff talking to Stephen as he has him restrained: "You throw one tantrum and I'll bite your goddamn nose off." Again, Graff doesn't fuck around.

Hit: *Stephen is out in the cold complaining that he can't breath, he's then moved back inside until his back starts growing strange appendages. Afterwards strange goo shoots out all over the place.* One of many awesome scenes with impressive practical effects.

Hit: *Some of that goo starts moving, escaping via nearby drain.* Suddenly I'm John Carpenter's The Thing flashbacks.

Hit: Dock talking to Sadie: "I put this on you...you and this voodoo bullshit!" John Carpenter's The Thing callback.

Hit: They even use practical effects for the micro-creatures when seen under a microscope.

LOL: Graff: "We're gonna need a bigger bucket."

Hit: This movie is an Easter egg of The Thing references because there's a Chess Wizard game seen in the engine room.

Hit: After the infected Dock is burnt by Svetlana. Big G: "Did it had to be fire." Svetlana: "Freeze melts, fire is forever."

Miss: Ronelle just stands too close where the tentacled creature is flailing from a pipe, gets grabbed and pulled into said pipe.

Hit: The bottom half of Atka approaching towards Svetlana as it mutates and eventually snatches her away through the vents.

Hit: This film is a testament of how practical effects have adapted in the era of CGI.

Miss: Graff ends up infected.

Hit: *Big G is confronted by the now mutated Svetlana.* More impressive practical effects at work.

Hit: Also Mutated Svetlana Boob!

Real Talk: Sadie talking to the Dutch Harbor coast guard: "All souls lost, except one. Harbinger down...." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title drop.    

Hits & Misses Halloween: The Mind's Eye (2015)

Hit: This film has a deep vibe of David Cronenberg's Scanners.

Real Talk: "THIS FILM SHOULD BE PLAYED LOUD" OK...but why?

Real Talk: Funding private research facilities to weaponize psionic beings is never a good sign.

Real Talk: I can't help it that the Zack character looks a lot like Daniel Radcliff.

Hit: Slovak has an injection that temporally subdue Zack's abilities rather than being an idiot for not taking any precautions beforehand.

Hit: It seems that the psychokinesis in this movie works by the PK's field of vision. As in they can use their powers whenever people and objects are in their line of sight. Interesting concept.

Real Talk: "February 1991" I had to be six years old at that time.

Hit: Movie takes place in the 90s and aesthetics really shows.

Miss: What did Zack expect when agreeing to go with Slovak? Of course he wasn't gonna keep his end of the agreement to let Zack see Rachel. That's how suspicious organizations with hidden agendas work. 

Real Talk: It's revealed a little later that Slovak has been taking injections derived from Rachel's spinal fluid to gain psychokinetic abilities. It starts off small but further on it goes into awesome body horror territory the more injections he takes.

Miss: *Rachel tries to get loose as she stabs two different people with the ONE syringe before Slovak subdues her with the same syringe.* That one syringe has been in three different people, they gonna end up with AIDS and shit.

Miss: Slovak's a bit of a creepo keeping Rachel at his house, away from his institute.

Hit: *While in his restraints, Zack manages to remove the sack with his powers.* Well that's one way to improvise. 

Miss: These institute security guys are aware that Zack and two other PKs have powers. Why even bother threating them with guns? 

Hit: *Zack and Rachel are cornered by one of the institute guards until Zack uses his powers to snap the guy's neck in a 180.* Just fucking gruesome....

Hit: Rachel: "You never told me you left after she died." Zack: "It's complicated...." Rachel: "Stop fucking saying that." I'm with Rachel, that line's way over used.

Miss: I understand that Slovak wants to be a PK but why not also give his security guys the same injection? May help even things up against two PKs he's after, just saying.

Hit: *Zack's father uses his powers on one of Slovak's men, Kurt until another PK, Travis stops him.* Almost had a Scanners moment there.

Miss: Travis is a PK, why the hell does he need a gun?

Miss: Also you what would be a big help for these Slovak guys when it comes to handling PKs? Some tranquillizer guns or at least some tasers. It's quite clear that threating them with guns ain't gonna do shit.

Hit: *Rachel uses her powers on Kurt until his head explodes Scanners style.* Now we're talking, some good old head explosions.

Hit: The injection spot on the back of Slovak's neck starts looking quite nasty with those impressive make-up effects. Even his voice starts to change just slightly.

Hit: A small PK fight breaks out until Slovak psychically rips Armstrong in two.

Hit: Another impressive practical effect when Zack shoots a Slovak guard at the knee, causing his leg to fall off.

Hit: *Zack managed to overpower Travis then proceeds to chop his head off with a fire axe.* Movie spares no expense on those practical effects.

Hit: Slovak gives himself the last injection and now he looks like something straight out of a Resident Evil Game.

Hit: *Zack takes out the last guard with the fire axe, splitting his head in half.* Fucking hell!

Real Talk: *Zack and Slovak have a psychic staring contest.* Suddenly I'm getting Vale/Revok fight flashbacks.

Hit: Zack use all his powers until Slovak literally explodes.   

Hits & Misses Halloween: Howl

Real Talk: I'm surprised this movie wasn't titled Werewolves on a Train, makes perfect sense considering what happens in the film.

Miss: Nina showing her train ticket to Joe while still on her phone: "Oh my god, this guy is totally staring at my tits." Well you're obviously lying given how the scene didn't hinted that at all. Not to mention your scarf's covering up any cleavage you have underneath it.

Real Talk: This one passenger has two sets of keys, that's not suspicious at all.

Hit: Sean Pertwee in a werewolf movie, this could get awesome.

Miss: The train driver is outside checking the track but either he and Joe don't have radios to talk to each other.

Real Talk: Rustling sounds coming from the woods behind the train driver, I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

Miss: And Sean Pertwee is killed off by a werewolf and I was hoping he'd kill a few be he died.

Hit: Joe telling Nina: "This is a no smoking train, miss." Nina: "Piss off...." *Joe then snatches the cigarette from her and puts it out.* Yeah, fuck that bitch.

Hit: *Joe, Ellen and the passengers are walking along the track as there are a set of scary eyes in the distance before they fade into the darkness.* This is one of those blink-and-you'll-miss-it scene but delivers a subtle scare. 

Real Talk: Oh yes Joe, go investigate all the rustling from the bushes. What could possibly go wrong?

Miss: *The elderly couple were practically left behind when they hear the monstrous howling.* What a bunch of assholes.

Hit: *Jenny's leg gets caught of the train door then gets bitten by a werewolf.* Damn that's a nasty bite!

Hit: The movie spared no expense in the practical effects on that bite wound.

Miss: Kinda pointless to be quiet, whatever's out there has a clear idea you guys are in the train.

Hit: In most horror films, the main characters' cellphone (and other means of communication) conveniently don't work. But in this movie, the emergency phone on the train is out only to be revealed that the line to the phone was cut. "How did they cut the power, man?! They're animals!"

Real Talk: I know Jenny's in pain and all but she sounds rather kinky making those moaning noises.

Hit: *A bonding moment with Kate and Nina.*

Miss: I don't know what Nina's Mom's problem is that she completely ignores her daughter's plea for help.

Miss: So after redeeming Nina just a tad with that earlier scene with Kate, she gets killed off.

Hit: It took an old man to tell these people to quit whining and do something.

Real Talk: *Adrian reveals to Joe that he's married with kids while having multiple affairs in secret.* What an asshole.

Miss: *Paul uses the restroom, outside of the barricaded cabin until the werewolf burst in from the ceiling and tears him apart.* Nice going, jackass. Why don't you have a dinner bell around your neck while you're at it?

Hit: Even after Job sees the werewolf, the movie still shows small glimpses of it to add more tension.

Hit: The werewolf design is most impressive.

Miss: *This one roided as fuck werewolf got taken out by normal, panicky humans.* Well that was fucking easy and disappointing.

Hit: *Werewolf tries to get up but Joe completely smashed its skull in with a fire extinguisher.* Nice!

Real Talk: Movie shows three more werewolves and they looked pissed.

Miss: *Matt's suppose to be Billy's lookout until hears noises from the woods and leaves to check.*  And of course the person hears some voices in the woods and goes to investigate all alone. Because that has never gone wrong at all.

Hit: Even hidden by the darkness, these werewolves are still terrifying.

Real Talk: I don't feel sorry for Matt one bit, it's his own fault for wondering off into the woods.

Hit: Jenny's reaction to all the howling outside.

Hit: Them some fine werewolf legs I've ever seen.

Hit: Jenny's transitioning into a werewolf.

Miss: *Adrian doesn't warn Kate that one of the werewolves is at the train door where she's standing at. And then the werewolf bust through the door, grabbing Kate but Adrian just kicks her out the door.* Again what an asshole...

Miss: Ellen: "Where's Kate? Adrian: "She'd still be alive if you hadn't tied me up." Bullshit she would, asshole.

Hit: Two of these werewolves clearly have boobs.

Hit: Billy's Last Stand

Miss: Joe stands behind to give Ellen the chance to get away.

Miss: Nobody at this train station don't even notice this one woman all dirty and bloody?

Hit: Movie ends with Adrian being maul to death by the now transitioning werewolf Joe. What, I'm suppose to care for Adrian? Fuck that guy he's an asshole, the way I see it karma's just doing its job.      

Hits & Misses Halloween: Dagon

Hit: *Paul (in a dream sequence) is scuba diving until he sees a topless mermaid.* You know what, if the The Little Mermaid remake was like this I'd totally watch it.

Hit: Also, Mermaid Boobs!

Miss: Paul's in bed with a hot woman and all he wants is to check on the stock market.

Real Talk: Well this is the worst sailing trap ever, a storm cause the boat to crash on a rock and Vicki's leg is caught under.

Miss: Oh man, that CGI underwater scene is not so good.

Real Talk: A spooky town with not a soul in sight, that's not a bad sign at all.

Hit: Paul's wearing a sweater with the word Miskatonic on it. Referring to the fictional university Miskatonic from H.P. Lovecraft's works.

Hit: The town itself really brings out the feel of being in a labyrinth at times.

Miss: *Paul tries to talk to the hotel clerk, badly.* Because when you don't know a lick of Spanish just add an O at the end of certain words. That won't make you sound like racist or just an asshole.

Hit: The townsfolks' constant lack of blinking makes them very unsettling, which I'm sure that was intentional.

Real Talk: You'd think Paul would find it a bit suspicious with the hotel room being out up to code.

Hit: *Paul sees the creepy townsfolk converging on the hotel as they proceed inside to get him.* Now entering survival horror mode.

Hit: The townsfolk making the inhuman noises adds more to their creepiness. And also makes them seen less human.

Hit: *Paul comes across a sort of slaughterhouse and finds a lot of human skin, including Howard's.* The townsfolk has an impressive skin collection that'll make the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers blush.

Miss: Ezequiel is the only human left in Imboca who hasn't been converted into a Dagon follower yet the rest of the people just let him roam freely. I guess we wouldn't get an explanation on how Imboca became like it is otherwise.

Hit: Most horror films have the main character desperately searching for car keys. Paul on the other had the right idea of hot wiring a car. 

Real Talk: I should be judging Paul for making with Uxia while still has a girlfriend who's missing. But then again how many people get to opportunity to find their literal dream person.  

Real Talk: This was about to turn into a Cinemax softcore sex scene. There's even a cheesy love music and everything.

Hit: Mermaid Boobs, again!

Hit: And I don't care if she's half sea-creature, Uxia's pretty hot.

Hit: Paul desperately getting away from the crazy fish people really gives off a vibe on what a live-action Resident Evil should've been versus what we ended up with.

Real Talk: Vicki still alive but more then likely got raped by Dagon. And you're welcome to use your imagination on how a human got raped by an eldritch horror god.

Hit: Gees, where did Barbara learned Kung-Fu?

Hit: "Cthulhu Fhtagn...."

Hit: A really gruesome scene of Ezequiel getting his face cut then ripped off. 

Real Talk: Uxia: "Until you came, there have been no sacrifices for a year. Dagon needs her." Paul: "Fuck Dagon!" Uxia: "Yes..." I don't think he meant it literally, lady.

Hit: Uxia has beautiful creepy eyes.

Real Talk: *After Paul's unchained he immediately some two knives and stabs two of the Imbocans, leaving only the priest. Paul talking to the priest: "Come on, motherfucker..." Look out everyone we got a bad ass over here.

Miss: Yeah you can clearly see post-flayed Ezequiel breathing as Paul leaves with a can of kerosene.

Hit: Bloody Naked Barbara

Hit: The make-up prosthetics of the Imbocans are really good for a movie made in 2001. 

Miss: So it's revealed that Paul's the son of Xavier Cambarro, meaning that he and Uxia are siblings. This movie had me going with this kooky romance with Paul and Uxia only to turn out to be incestual.

Real Talk: *And after that reveal, Paul dowse himself with kerosene then sets himself on fire.* Don't blame him, if my literal dream girl turns out to be my illegitimate sister I'd set myself on fire too.

Hit: Uxia Ass Shot!