Real Talk: You're wondering why I'm reviewing the sequel instead of the first movie? Well I never watch much of the first one but the Warlock II was shown more frequently on TV. Also I kinda like the sequel a little more.
Real Talk: *The moon falls into a lunar eclipse.* Suddenly I'm getting Elvira Mistress of the Dark flashbacks.
Real Talk: *Cut to a woman with whiteout eyes and demonic screams.* Now I'm getting Evil Dead flashbacks.
Miss: Get use to the early 90s GCI/visual effects being really meh.
Hit: But the practical effects are surprisingly top notch for a 1993 film.
Real Talk: *Men on horseback starts killing the druids after they perform a magical abortion.* Man them pro-lifers don't mess around.
Miss: Movie introduces Kenny Travis who's basically the lame version of Peter Parker.
Hit: Oh hey, it's Mr. Wint from Diamonds Are Forever.
Hit: Oh hey, it's the police captain from the Lethal Weapon movies.
Real Talk: The Twin Towers in pre-9/11, just felt like pointing it out.
Hit: *Woman starts taking her robe off before entering her bedroom.* Quick side boob!
Hit: *Woman quickly puts on her dress.* Another side boob with a bonus ass shot!
Real Talk: I know this demonic pregnancy scene is suppose to be scary. But the way how it's done with the woman in a sexy dress, her legs spread open and does those short breaths it just comes off as kinky than scary.
Real Talk: Congratulation, ma'am it's an eldritch horror abomination.
Miss: The Warlock's a dick to dogs.
Hit: The now dead woman forms a skin map from her belly.
Miss: Now why's the Warlock given only six days to gather the runestones? He can't seem to teleport and he only flies whenever the script says so. It's kinda tricky going cross-country with just six days.
Real Talk: An evil being is gathering six powerful stones to bring forth Armageddon. Why does that sound familiar?
Hit: Oh hey, it's Zach Galligan from Gremlins!
Real Talk: If this movie was made in post-Covid, the Warlock would get shot for being uncomfortably too close to people. Sure that wouldn't do anything to the Warlock but still.
Miss: I know Kenny and Samantha have a thing but their chemistry is underwhelming at best.
Real Talk: *Kenny's dad, Will shows up with double barrel shotgun and shoots him dead.* OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!
Real Talk: *After being revived from the dead, Kenny freaks out and pissed at the fact.* To be fair he has every right to be freaking out and really mad about it. His dad could've prepared him or give him a warning before shooting.
Hit: *The Warlock enters the dressing area of a fashion show.* Tits and ass everywhere!
Hit: Say what you want about the Warlock but at least he has a strict rule of having the person give up a stone willingly and freely. Rather than the Warlock to just take them by force.
Hit: The visual effects for the Warlock and Paula Dare when they started floating is really good.
Miss: But it's immediately ruined when the scene switched to a horrible blue screen effect when they fly higher.
Hit: There's a scene of Kenny, Will, Franks, Samantha and Reverend Ted in the middle of the street. And you can totally see Samantha's ass through her pink dress.
Miss: Kenny: "I didn't ask you to shoot me!" Will: "Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, the warrior rises from his own death. That's the way it's written." Why? Who the hell made up that rule? What, they couldn't just do a spell to unlock their "Druid Warrior" powers? Having one be killed and then brought back from the dead just to get magical powers is a bit extreme here.
Real Talk: Kenny: "Well what else is written?" Will: "That the Warlock will come for the stones." Kenny: "So why don't we just run with them?" Will: "Cause he'll find us wherever we go." Yeah but he has less than six days left, you can just run with the stones until then. Just saying....
Miss: And just throwing this out there, Kenny's such a whiney bitch.
Miss: Reverend Ted: "You keep him away from her! I don't want your son around my daughter." Will: "There has to be two, Ted! Two!" So apparently there needs to be two Druid Warriors to fight the Warlock, which I have to ask why? Why not four Druid Warriors to fight him or six or eight? Hell, why not a whole freaking army to fight the Warlock? Just two magical people fighting the Warlock doesn't leave much room for error in case shit goes south.
Miss: The Warlock's a dick to rabbits.
Miss: Also when did the Warlock know how to drive a car?
Miss: Nothing like a knock-off Star Wars training scene to pad out the movie. Hell even the music is ripping off Star Wars.
Miss: That CGI effect on that baseball is just terrible.
Real Talk: You know if Will trained Kenny at an early age then just maybe his control wouldn't suck so much ass.
Miss: *Movie cuts to some funhouse.* I got nothing matte paintings being use as backgrounds. Especially when work's been put to make it fit seamlessly with the rest of the scenery. But here, they didn't do a good job to make this obvious funhouse matte painting any less obvious.
Real Talk: Fake psychic talking to the funhouse hustler: "Don't sell him the stone, he's evil. The deliverer of Armageddon." OK, thanks for the warning Discount Crazy Ralph.
Hit: *The Warlock's upside down on the ceiling above the funhouse hustler.* Not a bad effect there.
Hit: And you gotta love Julian Sands performance when he's taunting the funhouse huslter.
Real Talk: *Ethan (another druid) was about to stab the Warlock with a special dagger. But gets killed offscreen and see the bloody, gory aftermath when the Warlock gets off the elevator.* I feel sorry for the poor soul who has to clean up this mess.
Real Talk: *The Warlock and Nathan placing the stones on a table.* FOUR STONES, FOUR CRATES!
Real Talk: Nathan: "How much do you want for them?" Warlock: "They're not for sale." Nathan: "Everything is for sale." Warlock: "Including your soul?" Don't answer that!
Miss: Samantha has good control of her powers before she's reborn and seems to have some idea of what's going. While Kenny just sucks with his powers even after he's reborn. Why couldn't the movie follow her around instead of whiney ass Kenny?
Miss: That establishing shot of Kenny flowing in an obvious blue screen effect is just awful.
Real Talk: I'm surprised (and disappointed) that squirrel didn't try to bite Kenny's face off.
Hit: Samantha does a force choke on douchebag Andy.
Miss: Andy just up and leaves his truck behind after Samantha tells to leave. I'm sure this won't be a plot convenience for later.
Miss: Someone on the writing team wrote "Kenny and Samantha making out in the woods, at night, while leaves are falling on them". This is like if Twilight was made in the 90s; some weird ass erotic YA stories you see on the Lifetime channel.
Hit: But hey if there's any consolation, Samantha ass shot.
Miss: These people sees a poor woman tied and nailed upside down on a cross yet couldn't be bother to get her down. But hey lets blame the good magic person who had nothing to with it. What a bunch of assholes.
Real Talk/LOL: Look out, Kenny's scaring off the masses with his really shitty CGI baseball effect!
LOL: Warlock: "Give me the stone." Franks: "You'll never get the stone." Warlock: "GIVE ME THE STONE!" Franks: "YOU'LL NEVER GET THE STONE!" Warlock: "GIVE ME THE STONE!" Franks: "YOU'LL NEVER GET THE STONE!" I really got nothing here, it's just so goofy.
Miss: The Warlock chops Franks' arm off, acquiring the fifth stone.* OK, so much for letting the person give up a stone willingly, freely.
Miss: So these Druids have a potion that heals and revives them from death. But for some reason Franks doesn't get that option after having both arms chopped by the Warlock then gets mercy killed by Kenny.
Real Talk: *Kenny gets impaled on a uprooted pipe after being blown away by the Warlock.* FATALITY!
Miss: Kenny sets the Warlock on fire and effects for that are not so good.
Real Talk: Don't mess with Will and Ted, they got double barrel shotguns.
Miss: There was clearly a third shot from one of their double barrel shotguns.
Miss: I'm sure Kenny really appreciates the healing support, Will but couldn't you pull out the pipe first?
Hit: Seeing Samantha gunning it on her motorcycle through the woods looks like I'm watching some high school/teenage action flick.
Real Talk: And now I said that, were there such films like that in the 90s.
Miss: Do I even need to mention how terrible the Warlock's flying effect are?
Hit: Samantha impales the Warlock with a tree branch, nice!
Miss: So instead of getting back on her bike and ride away. Samantha decides a better idea is move closer to the Warlock with the obvious chance that he's not dead and can easily get the stone. What a dumb ass....
Miss: As the Warlock pushes a large rock on Samantha, you can easily see a film crew pushing the (fake) rock in one scene. Then seeing a rope attached to the (fake) rock in the next scene. I guess doing retakes are for losers.
Hit: Super slo-mo panty shot action as Samantha gets force pushed by the Warlock.
Miss: Dude, you didn't have to unbutton her dress you could've just pull the stone off of her by the necklace.
Real Talk: Oh no, the eclipse made everything go Day-For-Night!
Real Talk: So with all six stones, the Warlock can now place them on his gauntlet and erase half of the.... Sorry wrong movie...
Real Talk: *The Warlock binds Kenny with roots from a nearby tree.* Evil Dead flashbacks, again.
Miss: Kenny just summoned a bolt of lightning like he's freaking Thor yet can't switch on the headlights of Andy's truck. Oh fuck off....
Real Talk: *Kenny and Samantha were able to expose the stones with the headlights. Stopping the Warlock's ritual.* You might say that the Warlock was....BLIIIINDED BYYYY THE LIIIIIGHT!
Miss: So the Warlock brought along the one weapon (the dagger from Ethan) that can kill him. What a fucking idiot!
Miss: Dude, just stab Kenny already! Stop caressing him like a fucking creepo, gees!
Hit: Kenny uses headbutt, it was super effective.
Miss: Do I even need to mention how awful that CGI dagger is?
Hit: The practical effects of the Warlock melting and deteriorating after being stabbed, very cool.
