Saturday, October 2, 2021

Hits & Misses Halloween: Dagon




Hit: *Paul (in a dream sequence) is scuba diving until he sees a topless mermaid.* You know what, if the The Little Mermaid remake was like this I'd totally watch it.

Hit: Also, Mermaid Boobs!

Miss: Paul's in bed with a hot woman and all he wants is to check on the stock market.

Real Talk: Well this is the worst sailing trap ever, a storm cause the boat to crash on a rock and Vicki's leg is caught under.

Miss: Oh man, that CGI underwater scene is not so good.

Real Talk: A spooky town with not a soul in sight, that's not a bad sign at all.

Hit: Paul's wearing a sweater with the word Miskatonic on it. Referring to the fictional university Miskatonic from H.P. Lovecraft's works.

Hit: The town itself really brings out the feel of being in a labyrinth at times.

Miss: *Paul tries to talk to the hotel clerk, badly.* Because when you don't know a lick of Spanish just add an O at the end of certain words. That won't make you sound like racist or just an asshole.

Hit: The townsfolks' constant lack of blinking makes them very unsettling, which I'm sure that was intentional.

Real Talk: You'd think Paul would find it a bit suspicious with the hotel room being out up to code.

Hit: *Paul sees the creepy townsfolk converging on the hotel as they proceed inside to get him.* Now entering survival horror mode.

Hit: The townsfolk making the inhuman noises adds more to their creepiness. And also makes them seen less human.

Hit: *Paul comes across a sort of slaughterhouse and finds a lot of human skin, including Howard's.* The townsfolk has an impressive skin collection that'll make the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers blush.

Miss: Ezequiel is the only human left in Imboca who hasn't been converted into a Dagon follower yet the rest of the people just let him roam freely. I guess we wouldn't get an explanation on how Imboca became like it is otherwise.

Hit: Most horror films have the main character desperately searching for car keys. Paul on the other had the right idea of hot wiring a car. 

Real Talk: I should be judging Paul for making with Uxia while still has a girlfriend who's missing. But then again how many people get to opportunity to find their literal dream person.  

Real Talk: This was about to turn into a Cinemax softcore sex scene. There's even a cheesy love music and everything.

Hit: Mermaid Boobs, again!

Hit: And I don't care if she's half sea-creature, Uxia's pretty hot.

Hit: Paul desperately getting away from the crazy fish people really gives off a vibe on what a live-action Resident Evil should've been versus what we ended up with.

Real Talk: Vicki still alive but more then likely got raped by Dagon. And you're welcome to use your imagination on how a human got raped by an eldritch horror god.

Hit: Gees, where did Barbara learned Kung-Fu?

Hit: "Cthulhu Fhtagn...."

Hit: A really gruesome scene of Ezequiel getting his face cut then ripped off. 

Real Talk: Uxia: "Until you came, there have been no sacrifices for a year. Dagon needs her." Paul: "Fuck Dagon!" Uxia: "Yes..." I don't think he meant it literally, lady.

Hit: Uxia has beautiful creepy eyes.

Real Talk: *After Paul's unchained he immediately some two knives and stabs two of the Imbocans, leaving only the priest. Paul talking to the priest: "Come on, motherfucker..." Look out everyone we got a bad ass over here.

Miss: Yeah you can clearly see post-flayed Ezequiel breathing as Paul leaves with a can of kerosene.

Hit: Bloody Naked Barbara

Hit: The make-up prosthetics of the Imbocans are really good for a movie made in 2001. 

Miss: So it's revealed that Paul's the son of Xavier Cambarro, meaning that he and Uxia are siblings. This movie had me going with this kooky romance with Paul and Uxia only to turn out to be incestual.

Real Talk: *And after that reveal, Paul dowse himself with kerosene then sets himself on fire.* Don't blame him, if my literal dream girl turns out to be my illegitimate sister I'd set myself on fire too.

Hit: Uxia Ass Shot!     

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