Hits & Misses: MindBlown

Hit: Movie may have a lame title but at least it's got more things happening than Speed of Thought.

Hit: In Medias Res done right.

Real Talk: Truck driver talking to young Jennifer Gaines: "Hey, look at you out here in the middle of nowhere. You want a ride little girl?" *Young Jennifer screams until the truck driver keels over and dies.* I'm sure that was a bit harsh but for all we know that guy could've been a Pedo.

Miss: Hard to tell if Young Jennifer is begging for water the way how bored she sounds.

Miss: It's established that Jennifer has telekinesis, so how exactly she managed to summoned a small rain cloud when she was a child? I'm pretty sure that telekinesis doesn't work that way. 

Hit: (Adult) Jennifer taking a refreshing shower. Granted you don't see much of the good bits but still.

Miss: *Jennifer and four other TKs going through an ionization scan.* Not that I don't appreciate the Jennifer cleavage but why does she have her blouse unzipped half way then zipps it up afterwards? Gertie doesn't have her blouse open like that so what was the point of Jennifer having her breasts nearly hanging out?

Hit: Jennifer ass shot.

Miss: White is a U.S. General yet he doesn't seem to be in General uniform. Seriously the guy looks like a bouncer than a U.S. General.

Hit: Basically the TKs are hooked to a weaponized Cerebro that allows them to create severe storms. Interesting concept....

Hit: *Close up shots the four TKs inside their helmets.* Suddenly I'm getting Iron Man flashbacks.

Miss: A news reporter keeps pointing to the "major devastation behind her" yet the movie shows no such "devastation". I mean yes this small town was hit by a freak tornado and lightning strikes yet it doesn't seem to look like the town's in complete ruin. It's as if the movie didn't had the budget to show the aftermath of the freak storm destruction. 

Miss: Also having these small town people TELLING what happened (while still not SHOWING the aftermath) doesn't help either.

Miss: Also, also the news report mentions about an earthquake, what earthquake? There was just the freak storm that hit the town, what freaking earthquake? Was there a scene taken out due to time and budget? Was there a miscommunication between the writers and editors? Did the people on post-production got batshit confused on the job? Even if there was an earthquake the movie did a piss poor job of showing it. 

Miss: Some of the visual effects can be quite embarrassing bad  especially how the composition don't seem to match up with the foregrounds and backgrounds. Like an amauter F/X guy spending five minutes in After Effects on most of the scenes. 

Hit: Although the practical effects are pretty good.

Miss: General White sends a strike team to retrieve two TKs (Jennifer and Adam) with nothing but guns. Not so much as having any special countermeasures whatsoever. Because sending normal people after a couple of superhumans has never gone wrong at all. 

Miss: This one woman on the strike team is on this dangerous retrieval mission without a helmet. While the other strike team members are clearly wearing helmets. She might as well have a sign over her head that reads "HEY, SHOOT HERE!"

Miss/Sarcastic: Oh wow, these well trained strike team were easily taken out by two psychically powerful people. I swear I didn't see this coming. 

Miss: So the other four TKs can manipulate the elements (Gretie with water, Clive with earth, Rick with fire and Ruben with electricity). So how is Jennifer able to summoned rain clouds or those lightning strikes that took out the strike team earlier? 

Miss: *In Jennifer's flashback: On the road with her dad as he keeps telling her to stop singing but she just kept on singing anyway. Resulting her dad getting angry to the point of crashing off road.* I know this is meant to be dramatic but it's kinda hard to sympathize with Jennifer when she practically cause the car crash. Annoying child characters are neither cute nor endearing and young Jennifer was no different. So yes if Jennifer wasn't being an annoying little shit that car crash wouldn't have happened.  

Miss: The movie doesn't even shown the car crash but instead shows the (sorta) aftermath. That raises so many questions but I'm just gonna chalk it up with one answer. The movie just didn't have the time and budget for a car crash effect.

Miss: Also young Jennifer didn't seem to be concerned about her dead dad with that look of the obliviously deadpan reaction on her face.

Miss: I postulate that the writers have confused telekinesis with psychokinesis because how else Adam can summon lightning like he's freaking Thor. Basically telekinesis is whatever the script deems it as convenient to the plot then just moving objects mentally.

Miss: Once again the Project MindBlown strike team are easily taken out superpower psychics.  

Miss: Jennifer gets a vision of Gertie fighting Rick, sensing that she might be in danger. But when Rick and Gertie clash powers, Jennifer doesn't so much as warn her nor psychically push her out of the way. Just stands there and does nothing until Gertie loses and gets burned alive.

Miss: Clive attempts to crush Jennifer, Adam and Ruben with a giant boulder. But Jennifer and Adam takes control of the boulder to crush Clive as he just stands there like a complete dumbass. 

Miss: So Clayton is bent on wiping out Washington D.C. with the psychic weather machine. Because evil military guy be evil and the script says so. 

Hit: But at least the movie provides a reason how Clayton developed his own psychic abilities.

Miss: Clayton talking to Ruben: "Young fool, only now at the end. Do you understand?" Oh fuck off movie!

Miss: *Jennifer and Adam fighting Rick.* This is my geek side talking but how exactly can fire deflect telekinesis?

Miss: Rick is basically a superpowered Elliot Rodger. 

Hits & Misses: Crossbreed

Miss: The movie opens with a space battle that looks like Discount Babylon 5.

Hit: Bennett from Commando!

Miss: Bennett was armed with a gun pointing at a guy in one scene. Gun just up and disappears as Bennett fights the guy in the next scene. Wasn't shown him throwing the gun away or was out of ammo or anything. Shitty editing I suppose.

Hit: Bennett just score some badass points from that fight scene.

Miss: And just like that Bennett is shot dead before completing his mission. 

Hit: *Ryker beats the crap out of a bunch of drunks causing problems in his bar.* Eat your heart out Dalton.

Hit/Miss: Basically the film's premise is the Expendables crossed with Doom (2005), rather silly but it tries to be somewhat unique.

Hit: Damn that Vivica A Fox cleavage though!

Hit: The sexbots in this movie are very impressive.

Miss: Although this one (dancing to Degenerate) needs a tune up immediately.

Real Talk: Slaughterhouse has a wife and kids now this is the part where I make a comment that he's another family man character whom merely exist as red shirt. But here's a no bullshit shocker, he actually survives in this movie. Seriously, I was blown away seeing this guy surviving all through the movie.  

Miss: *Ryker and his crew gearing up for their mission.* What the hell are these guys wearing on their faces? They look like a bunch of squiggly wires attached to their faces. Are these meant to be some type of cyberware, some commlink device? They just look so goofy.  

Miss: And here's where the Doom 2005 parallels come in. The new guy on the team is given the codename Noob, just like the rookie from Doom was given the codename The Kid. 

Real Talk: But unlike The Kid, Noob lives through the movie.

Miss: Oh yes these are clearly some fancy sci-fi guns and not a bunch of obvious nerf guns that were modified and painted black. You can just smell the budget that went into this movie.

Hit: I gotta be honest, the relationship between these guys are just cheesy and hilariously good. Yeah they're a bunch meat head goofballs but still.

Hit: "I fucking love Time Cop!"

Miss: "I fucking hate Time Cop..."

Miss: "Fuck Time Cop..."

Hit/Miss/LOL: These are on a mission until they start talking sex and steaks and ends on how Four Eyes and Slaughterhouse fucked Degenerate's sister.

LOL: Four Eyes: "And I fuck her but you already knew that." Degenerate: That's because I caught your ass with her." Four Eyes: "Yeah but at least you let me finished."

Miss: *Slaughterhouse and Noob in a fire fight with five Russians.* These guys are hitting the walls and yet you don't see the shots leaving any bullet holes.

Hit: Badass points to Noob.

Hit: Badass points to Slaughterhouse.

Miss: Ryker, Four Eyes and Degenerate are clearly wearing gas masks and not some redressed belt buckles.

Miss: Some of the talky scenes you can hear a tiny buzzing noise when characters are talking.

Miss: It's a good thing they keep the Crossbreed creature mostly in the shadows because the creature design is pretty average. Almost like a Discount Species creature.

Real Talk: But regardless this creature, I'd totally hit that.

Hit: Also creature boobs.

Real Talk: I feel more moved by the deaths of some of the characters in this movie than the ass clowns from The Predator.

Real Talk: Say what you want about this movie but it's nice step up for Vivica A Fox from Independence Day Resurgence or Cool Cat Saves the Kids. 

Miss: The Crossbreed creature mutates into some Discount Xenomorph.

Hit/LOL: Ryker: "I got an idea, everybody behind Miller."

Miss: Ryker's wearing body armor and still gets shot.

Miss: Noob: "I can see it in its eyes, it's thinking." That's very impressive kid, despite the fact it has no eyes.

Miss: Ryker sacrifices himself to kill the Crossbreed creature.

Hit: Slaughterhouse and Noob take over Ryker's bar.

Hit: As cheap and really cheesy this movie is, I still got some entertainment out of it.

Hits & Misses: Project MetalBeast

Hit: The US Military Intelligence in 1974 goes searching for werewolves to create superior combat agents. OK, that's actually a cool premise to start off the movie.

Miss: Did they just added Project in the title in post? That's what it looks like to me.

Hit: This werewolf design is not so impressive but it's not too shitty either.

Miss: Hey soldier guy, your buddy's being turn into a human chew toy. Care to shoot the werewolf before he's killed? No, you just gonna stand there until the werewolf's finished? OK then.

Miss: Butler talking to Colonel Miller: "Because of Greg's death? I didn't have any time." Bullshit you didn't, you were just standing there while the werewolf was having a late night snack on Greg. 

Miss: Clearly the blood sample has to be diseased considering it's from a werewolf.

Miss: And also maybe if Butler brought back the body instead of just blood samples this project would have plenty of samples to work with.

Miss: Butler didn't wanna wait for the the doctor lady to come back within a week for the results. So he decided to steal the last blood sample and injected into himself. Don't see nothing going wrong here.

Real Talk: Also why does this one men's restroom have a broken mirror?

Hit: Movie's got a catchy soundtrack.

Real Talk: So Butler attacks this one doctor lady and just leaves her all bloody. Um...OK.

Real Talk: Also does this mean she'll become a werewolf too?

Real Talk: *Butler in a cryo-freezer.* You can totally see the guy's junk.

Real Talk: It's 20 years later and Miller surprisingly ages well.

Miss: You mean the labs at this operations center don't have a freezer or a morgue so they put Butler's body in a kitchen freezer. That's not uncomfortable at all.

Hit: The practical effects of the Butler cadaver getting the bio-ferrin skin graft is pretty impressive. 

Miss: If only Miller stuck around through the operation he could've stopped them from removing the silver bullets out of Butler.

Miss: Also you would think Miller would have put in place some people making sure that Anna and crew doesn't discover the bullets. Or any other conspicuous details for that matter.

Miss: Oh yeah Miller, antagonize the recently revived  werewolf who maybe still pissed at you after 20 years.

Miss: Butler starts transforming and instead of running out of OR, Larry makes a phone call to Anna and Debbie but are inconveniently busy with identifying the not-cadaver. 

Hit: The make-up effects for the mid-transformation Butler looks impressive.

Miss: Oh yeah Anna, leave Roger all alone with mutating werewolf instead of making sure the thing's knocked out first.

Hit: Very impressive metal werewolf design.

Hit: Also hi Kane Hodder.... Umm Kane Hodder plays the MetalBeast.

Hit: So Philip melts silver with some bio-ferrin into three rocket launcher shells in a chance to take down the metal werewolf. Well at least it's a plan.

Miss: Miller's gun is loaded with silver bullets but decides to waste two shots on General Hammond. You know, the guy who's not a werewolf.

Miss: So what was Miller's plan with werewolf Butler anyway? Get him augmented with synthetic metallic skin and then what have him going around killing? He doesn't even have him under some type of control of any kind and just acts like everything's going to plan somehow. Not a well thought out villain this guy is. 

Miss: Anna was limping around after removing a rebar out of her foot only to run away from the MetalBeast just fine minutes later.

Miss: Debbie makes a hit on the MetalBeast's leg with the rocket launcher yet the shell doesn't even explode. How?

Hit: Although nice practical effect of the MetalBeast pulling the shell from his leg.

Hit: More credit to the practical effects as Anna fires the final shell at the MetalBeast and then he explodes into MetalBeast chunklets. 

Blindness: This has to be the first movie I've ever rage quit in history. I mean I've watched shitty movies but never once I just full stop in the middle of watching them. This movie is fucking depressing, degrading and wholly inhumane. Whatever message or point this movie was trying to convey it missed it by ten city blocks. There's just nothing redeemable with any of the characters and the government is run by assholes.

Hits & Misses: Morgan

Miss: This isn't a miss on the movie perse, this is a miss on the movie's trailer for being a complete lie. What the trailer implied is that Morgan develops some type of psychic powers over time, becoming uncontrollable. But upon watching the movie it turns out she just goes kill crazy, absolutely no psychic powers were displayed through the whole movie.

Hit: *Kathy gets stabbed in the eye by Morgan.* This movie wastes no time at all.

Hit: Kate Mara's kinda cute with short hair.

Miss: Hey isn't that Skip character played by that guy from The Predator (2018)? That movie is still disappointing.

Real Talk: Kathy talking to Lee: "You're a liar. There's a smile on your face but I can tell what you are. You're a goddamned assassin." I'm sure it's just the meds talking, this isn't foreshadowing at all.

Hit: Oh hey, Arnim Zola!

Miss: From what Ziegler's describing, it sounds like Morgan's a Discount Blade Runner Replicant. And that's a bit on the nose considering that Ridley Scott was one of the producers of this movie.

Miss: Everyone keeps saying "Lee Weathers from corporate" when the movie established that she's from SynSect. Is it really that hard to say "Lee Weathers from SynSect"?

Real Talk: The actress playing Amy looks a lot like Selma Blair, it's kinda weird.

Hit: Lee: "So did Darren and Brenda, did they pair up early?" Skip: "Pretty early, I guess. After he got tired of chasing after Amy." Not sure if that was an intended Chasing Amy reference but I'm counting it.

Miss: *Dr. Shapiro wants to talk to Morgan on the other side of the glass, completely disregarding the safety precautions. due to recent events* Well I don't see nothing that'll go horribly wrong here. I mean yeah the guy's just doing his job but still.  

Real Talk: At the start of the movie the psychologist is named Dr. Ben Shapiro yet when I'm looking on Wikipedia and IMDB his name is Dr. Alan Shapiro. Not really a miss just find it rather confusing.

Miss: So is the movie trying to established that Morgan can read minds I guess? I'm really not getting that impression from the plot and the scientists who created her aren't even acknowledging this aside from "she's special". 

Miss/Sarcastic: *Dr. Shapiro pressures Morgan with hypothetical questions until she gets agitated and viciously attacks him.* This movie isn't ripping off the Voigt-Kampff scene at the beginning of Blade Runner, nope that's just silly.

Miss: *The power to the lab miraculously shuts off while Morgan closes her eyes as that happens.* Again I'm not getting the impression of these ambiguous abilities that Morgan may or may not have. And once again the scientists are being oblivious about it. Am I supposed to assume that artificially created humans developed superpowers happens all the time with these people? Because that would be nice for the movie to establish in the story. 

Miss: None of scientists don't want to terminated Morgan but instead they packed up everything and tried leave with Morgan. I understand that these guys care for Morgan but judging from the trailer I doubt she'll return the same kindness.

Miss: Case in point... *Morgan attacks Darren and then kills him with an injection.*

Miss: And of course one of the scientists hesitates to shoot Morgan. Common sense, survival instincts, what are those?

Hit: Gotta give credit to Brenda trying to actually stop Morgan instead of hesitating like an idiot.

Miss: The movie reveals that Morgan can't move beyond her weaponized design parameters despite the scientists trying to promote emotional intelligence, which explains why she's going kill crazy. So what's with the movie and the trailer giving confusingly vague implications of Morgan having superpowers? Whoever was in charge of scriptwriting or post-production must've got really confused on what story to go with. 

Miss: Dead Arnim Zola, no idea why killed himself but here he is just hung himself.

Miss/Sarcastic: *Morgan and Dr. Cheng have a talk before Morgan kills her creator.* This movie isn't ripping off the scene of Roy Batty talking to Tyrell before he kills his creator, nope that's just silly.

Miss: Hell both scenes features the creations giving their creators a kiss before killing them. 

Miss: Might as well go all the way with Lee becoming a Blade Runner out to "retire" Morgan.

Real Talk: I don't mean to be making comparisons to Blade Runner but that's the vibe I keep getting from this movie. I wouldn't be surprised if they took some concepts from Blade Runner.

Hit: Lee vs Morgan

Hit: Kinda getting a Noomi Rapace vibe from Lee in this fight scene.

Miss: What was the point of Lee killing Skip and Amy? SynSect probably ordered her to kill the people of the L-9 project but still.

Hit: Not gonna lie the reveal of Lee being an L-4 was a nice, subtle touch.

Hits & Misses: BloodRayne

Miss: The first BloodRayne game was essentially about a sexy, bad ass Dhampir killing Nazis. This movie on the other hand takes place in 18th century Romania. Now the third movie does feature a Dhampir killing Nazis but I sincerely doubt it's faithful to the first game. And fuck no I'm not watching the sequels or that retarded spoof Boll made.

Hit: Movie uses the same title font design from the games.

Hit: For what it's worth, the set designs are OK.

Miss: "Based on the Majesco Video Game entitled BloodRayne" I think this sentence needs to be edited to "(Loosely) Based on the Majesco Video Game entitled BloodRayne". It's a lot more accurate.

Miss: Poor Michael Madsen was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Michael Madsen.

Miss: Poor Michelle Rodriguez was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Michelle Rodriguez.

Miss: Poor Kristanna Loken was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Kristanna Loken.

Miss: Vampires are common knowledge in this film's world from what I can tell. Yet people at a traveling circus are amazed at a woman who's harmed by water and feeds on blood to heal herself.

Miss: Poor Ben Kingsley was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Ben Kingsley.

Miss: Instead of showing Rayne going on a bloodlust and killed some of the carnies in sight. Movie decides that it's better to show it as a flashback while it cuts to Rayne confused and screaming quite annoyingly. As if she probably forgot the whole thing because the script says so.

Miss: Also great idea for this one carny attempting to rape a Dhampir, don't see nothing going horribly wrong here.

Miss: Poor Billy Zane was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Billy Zane

Miss: *Elrich requesting a message to be sent to his daughter, Katarin.* Most movies I've seen Billy Zane in he's usually quite entertainly hammy but in this scene it's like his very soul was drained out of him. And just comes off as him getting his scenes over with so he can leave the movie immediately.

Hit: Rayne's first outfit is pretty spot on from the games.

Miss: *Rayne on horseback.* Wearing a completely different outfit in a scene before arriving at a town, wearing her first outfit in a scene after she arrives in the town. Continuity, what's that?

Miss: This talisman Rayne finds that gives her immunity over holy water (at least I'm assuming it's holy water, the movie doesn't establish it). So why would this one room have a secondary trap that any vampire would be easily unaffected by if they obtain this talisman? And it's not like the room was being fully flooded with holy water, only about a few inches tops. Rayne could've easily ran out of the room.

Miss: Poor Udo Kier was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Udo Kier.

Miss: So it's just plain ordinary water that kills vampires instead of holy water. I understand that running water is a weakness to vampires but how is plain, unblessed water is able to harm them?

Miss: So this ancient vampire developed an immunity over sunlight, water and crosses and yet he was still killed without the movie explaining how. Unless we're supposed to assume that he didn't developed an immunity to stakes to the heart or just shitty writing.

Miss: Now this fight scene at the monastery seems cool but these close up shots and quick cuts are making it difficult to enjoy it. And I can't help that the fight choreography is a bit stiff at times. 

Hit: But I gotta give credit for the gore effects though.

Hit: Vampire Boobs, everywhere!

Miss: Poor Meat Loaf Aday was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Meat Loaf Aday.

Hit: Also, also gotta give credit to Meat Loaf's hammy performance in a sea of deadpan acting.

Miss: Rayne tells Vladimir, Sebastian and Katarin that Kagan raped and murdered her mother in front of her. Yet in the flashback there was a murder but no rape at all. I'd guess that the raped happened before Rayne was born but the shit writing doesn't seem to convey it that way.

Miss: Also that was rather unnecessary to have a flashback if Rayne was gonna tell what happened.

Miss: Even in a training montage the fight choreography looks stiff.

Hit: *Rayne and Sebastian having sex.* A better vampire sex scene than Twilight Breaking Dawn.

Hit: Also Rayne Boobs.

Miss: However, I'm not convince that Rayne is completely pantsless in certain angles where her bottom half is obscured.

Hit: Rayne's wearing a variation of her outfit that's pretty spot on from games. 

Hit: Also Rayne cleavage. 

Hit: Say what you want about Michelle Rodriguez but at least her acting's pretty good with that accent. Even though it's a real shame that her time and talent are wasted in this garbage film.

Miss: Although I'm a bit distracted that she's wearing blue contacts. I mean they could've just get an actress with blue eyes for the Katarin character?

Hit: *Domastir throws a dismembered head on Elrich's desk, then a letter from Katarin.* Elrich: "Would you stop throwing things at me."

Miss: So holy water is a thing in this world then how does plain water hurts vampires again?

Miss: Oh yeah, so much for "I don't thirst for human blood". I mean yeah Katarin betrayed Brimstone and had it coming but Rayne still fed blood from a human.  This is what happens when you a vampire who doesn't feed on human blood, inconsistency rears its ugly head before you know it.

Miss: Also what happened to those four other guys who were with Katarin? Are they still at the underwater entrance waiting for Katarin to come back? Did they assume that she drowned and piss off elsewhere? Did the movie deem them irrelevant and banished them into the void?

Miss: So Rayne's not gonna tell Vladimir and Sebastian that Katarin betrayed Brimstone and she killed her? OK then.

Miss: Also "she died with honor, fighting for our people" my ass.

Miss: More fight scenes with close up shots and quick cuts with a dash of unnecessary fast motion blurs this time.

Miss: Hey Vladimir you just got stabbed in the chest, maybe show a reaction to that? Like screaming in agony or something. No, you just gonna keep that deadpan reaction then? OK, fine.

Real Talk: So Kagan's dead and Rayne has all three talismans, will this be followed up in the two sequels? Don't know, don't care.

Hits & Misses: Alone in the Dark

Miss: Uwe Boll continues to tell not show with this lengthy ass text narration.

Miss: Well Sister Clara is a terrible person, letting some obsessed doctor doing god knows what to the orphans. Good job, lady.

Miss: *Young Edward Carnby is hiding at a small power station.* Oh yes kid, go hide at the first dangerous place you can think of. What could possibly go wrong, besides getting electrocuted for being a dumbass?  

Miss: Poor Christian Slater was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Christian Slater.

Miss: We're already shown/told what may have happened to Edward in the flashback and text narration but the movie felt the need to have Edward narrating certain information that was already established.

Miss: Instead telling the cab driver to get out of the Cab, Edward tells the cab driver to stay down as he quickly leaves before another Cab comes crashing into them. Granted the cab driver's fine but that was still an asshole move from Edward.

Miss: Was it really necessary for the zoom into the gun barrel shot? What purpose did that serve? 

Miss: Poor Tara Reid was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Tara Reid.

Miss: *A museum security guard explaining what the Abkani are to a delivery guy.* Once again the movie provides information that was already established. Yes this particular info is meant for the delivery guy but it still comes off as the movie unnecessarily repeating itself. Maybe if the text narration was removed this wouldn't be a problem with the exposition/conveyance. 

Miss: Edward didn't set up any device to scan this one artifact he found. So how did his computer got a complete scan of said artifact? Magical scanning powers out of nowhere! 

Miss: After the salvage crew opens a box made of gold, movie cuts to some random people just dropping what they're doing and walking to god knows where. Now the movie does revealed that these people were the same orphans Hudgens experimented on years ago. As to why these people just up walk away all of a sudden, fuck if I know. Where are these people walking to, fuck if I know. Will the movie provide any answers or explanations, fuck if I know.

Miss: Poor Stephen Dorff was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Stephen Dorff.

Miss: Fischer talking to Edward: "I did a full cross reference, too. Nothing much in common, except they all grew up in the same orphanage. Your orphanage...." If they grew up in the same orphanage as Edward then they DO have something in common. A screw up in the dialogue or a piss poor job from the screenwriters, take your pick. 

Miss/Sarcastic: Ooooooo flickering lights, how scary. 

Hit: Gonna be fair here the creature designs are pretty good.

Miss: Hold on, two main characters running away from a creature in a museum. Movie tries to rip off The Relic.

Miss: Bureau 713 is basically Discount B.P.R.D.

Miss: Pay no attention to Hudgens taking blood from this movie's creatures then injecting it into himself. Movie will never mention it again and doesn't have any importance with the plot. Storytelling, plot-threads, conveyance, what are those? 

Miss/Sarcastic: So 713 called these creatures Zenoes.... Oh Uwe Boll, you're so clever. Calling them Zenoes with a Z instead an X so no one won't immediately think you're ripping off the Xenomorphs. Ingenious!  

Miss: So these "Zenoes" can be killed by special bullets that gives off the same effect as sunlight; which kills the creatures. Wait a minute.... Creatures who dwell in the dark can be killed by sunlight bullets.... Movie rips off Underworld....how fucking embarrassing. 

Miss: Uh oh, the flickering lights are back. Better be scared.

Miss: Oh yeah, awesome! A shooty action scene in the dark, I'm sure those gun muzzle flashes won't cause any epileptic seizures. 

Hit: *One of the 713 agents gets his spine snapped in two by one of the Zenoes.* OK that was an awesome gore effect.

Miss: These parasite controlled people go full rage zombie mode on the 713 agents. But then out of nowhere one of the parasite zombies attacks a 713 agent like he's freaking Bruce Lee. Unless this is a Blade movie this particular scene is wholly out of place.

Miss: I wasn't too sure when seeing the blood next to the dead museum security guy. But now I'm certain they used CGI blood for the dead parasite zombies. That's just cheap....

Miss: Edward: "I don't think we're supposed to be here." Then why did you convinced Burke and Aline to go with you into the mine shaft of death? Also, no shit....

Miss: Edward, Burke and red shirt agent #2 had plenty of time to shoot some snake-like Zeno before it bites red shirt agent #1. But instead they just stand around doing nothing as the snake-like Zeno bites red shirt agent #1, eventually killing her. Excellent work, guys.

Real Talk: Is that 713 agent played by the lead actress from House of the Dead?

Real Talk: Come to think of it red shirt agent #2 is played by Daniel Cudmore. 

Miss: God damn it, they dragged Colossus into this garbage. 

Hit: *Agent Miles finds Agent Feenstra dead with her head split open.* Once again that's an awesome gore effect.

Miss: So while Edward and the others were in the mine shaft of death there was an apparent city-wide evacuation taking took place in one night. An entire city evacuated in one night, yeah I call bullshit. And it's not like the movie shown any crisis that possibly triggered a city-wide evacuation. I could assume that the Zenoes over run the city but again the shows nothing.

Miss: Movie rips off the Sam Rami Evil Dead camera shot.

BONUS ROUND

Miss: Hudgens experimented on the orphans to "merge man with creature". As for the why it's never explained outside of Hudgens saying words such as "thousands of lives can be saved" or "it's about the future of our species". But given how his parasite controlled orphans have been killing people and he himself practically cause an apocalypse I call his actions both contradicting and bullshit. Which leaves me to believe that the writers didn't bother giving Hudgens proper motivations but rather just some crazy villain doing crazy shit because the script said so.

Miss: Movie makes these parasite controlled orphans somewhat important to the story only to be reduced to zombified canon fodder. No pay off, no plot relevance, just a bunch of randos implanted with a parasite for the lead characters to fight. And considering that these people were innocent orphans experimented on there was next to zero repercussions when the lead characters killed them off. Essentially it's pointless to even sympathize with these parasite controlled orphans when the story doesn't bother to care about them, narratively.     

Miss: How exactly is Hudgens controlling the parasite controlled orphans or the Zenoes for that matter? Is it because of the Zeno blood he injects himself with, if so how? Does the Zeno blood protects him from being harm by the creatures? At no point he doesn't seem to be mutating or altered into something else. So instead the story provides no significance to whole Zeno blood injections plot-point or the whole Hudgens controlling the Zenoes plot-point. Now I don't know how Boll's mind works when it comes to storytelling (and I honestly don't wanna know). But when establishing a plot-point you don't just skip it without providing any explanations or just simply ignore it all together.

Miss: The text narration explains that Hudgens built a hidden laboratory when the government shut down his research. This led me to believe that Hudgens was clearly doing illegal activities outside of Bureau 713. Yet when Edward and the others discovered his hidden lab they immediately come to the conclusion that 713 was behind the experiments. If that's the case then why would Hudgens be killing the agents? And you would think that some of the 713 agents be working with Hudgens in secret but that's not even the case. Well except for that one rando agent who was under parasitic control. But besides that it was all Hudgens who's been doing the experiments. I feel that the text narration the film's story were clashing each other the more you think about it. It's as if there were two different stories for the movie and no one couldn't decide which to go with. So instead they went half and half and see what works.