Real
Talk: If disappointment was a person
it'd be this movie.
Hit: Impressive way of space travel.
Hit: Well at least the movie's soundtrack is decent.
Miss: Oh sure just mess around with some alien tech, what could go
wrong?
Miss: This rogue Predator pointlessly gives away its position instead of just
snipe the two soldiers with its plasma caster.
Miss: The Predator wrist gauntlet that Quinn is wearing just
randomly activates and shoots a flying disk blade after falling on his ass.
Miss: Hey Quinn, instead mailing the Predator mask and
gauntlet just use that orb thing to just walk pass the Mexico/U.S. boarder
while you're cloak.
Miss: *Movie cuts to a school.* Suddenly I'm getting Alien vs
Predator: Requiem flashbacks and don't worry its day is coming.
Miss: School bullies tropes.
Miss: This is because I have no idea how P.O. Box work but why
didn't they just mail package back to the sender (i.e. Mexico)? It's revealed
later that Quinn wasn't intended on mailing it to his family and yet here
it is because the plot demands it so.
Real Talk: *Emily gives Rory a choice of which Halloween costume*
Rory: "This is dumb, the guys they'll see that it's me." Remember
this for later because this kid will contradict himself for no other reason besides
getting the plot going.
Real Talk: *Rory opens his father's package.* Hey kid you do what
federal offense is? I mean again Quinn didn't intend on mailing the package to
his family so technically this would count as a federal offense.
Miss: *Quinn is introduced to "Group 2".* Remember in
this first Predator movie where the main characters were introduced organically
through dialogues? Well this movie decides fuck that shit just have one of the
guys of Group 2 listing off each of the other characters' names and
backstories. Narrative flow, what is that?
Miss: And speaking of Group 2 we got Not Carl Weathers (Nebraska),
Keegan-Michael Key (Coye), obvious offensive stereotype (Baxley), some
English (maybe Irish) guy (Lynch) and a religious nut (Nettles).
Miss: And just to get this out the way the humor in this movie is
just obnoxious. As if the movie tries too hard to be funny that it forgets the
fact of being a sci-fi action thriller. At least in the first three movies had some comedic moments rather than being lazy toilet humor films.
Hit: Jake Busey as Sean Keyes (a character that could be related to
Peter Keyes).
Miss: Unfortunately it becomes noticeable that the Sean Keyes
character has a bit role in this movie. That just screams disappointment.
Miss: Waste of a callback line #1, Casey saying to the unconscious rogue Predator: "You're one beautiful motherfucker..."
WTF: Casey: "You wanna know if someone fucked an alien?"
I failed to understand how she came to the conclusion that a Predator and a human
fucked at one point.
Miss: *Rory is tinkering with the rogue Predator's tech from the gauntlet.* Just
how exactly is Rory capable of understanding and using alien technology in
an alien language? Sure you can argue that it's because of the kid's Asperger's
but even that's a wonky explanation at best. Unless this kid is Dexter
(Dexter's Laboratory) I call bullshit.
Miss: *The rogue Predator's tech controls the Super-Predator's ship,
apparently.* If the rogue Predator had a device that can control the
Super-Predator's ship then what was the point of the ship chase from earlier?
The rogue Predator could've pressed a button and BOOM no more
Super-Predator.
Miss: The rogue Predator (that's in captivity) is waking up and
Stargazer Project scientists thought it's a good idea to try holding it down
instead of sedating it again.
Miss: *Casey's trying to get away but still has to go through the
decontamination procedures.* There's a rampaging Predator killing scientists
and security guards alike and the computer voice is asking for Casey to go
through the decontamination procedures. Containment breaches, standard
emergency procedures, what the fuck are those?
Miss: As much as I appreciate a naked Olivia Munn but unless
there's some tits, ass and vagina this is a waste of a nude scene. At least
Predator 2 had a sex scene and a fully naked woman.
Miss: *The rogue Predator uses a gun.* I'm sure it was meant to
be awesome but it just comes off as randomly out of character.
Miss: Coye: "Hey Baxley, if your mom's vagina were a video
game it'd be Rated E for Everyone." If this movie was made in the late
90s/early 2000s this joke would've been almost funny...almost.
Miss: I'm not buying one bit that Casey (a normal human) is able to
keep up with a fucking Predator on foot. Harrigan from Predator 2 had to chase
after a Predator in his car. He didn't just went running after it on foot, especially
when the Predator in question is running and jumping from rooftop to rooftop.
Miss: Waste of a callback line #2: Nebraska says "Get to the
choppers" yet there's no choppers to be seen in the following shot, just
some motorcycles.
Miss: The rogue Predator kills some random soldiers at the back
of a truck. Then takes a severed arm with its thumb up as the asked the driver asked "is
everything OK back there". Was this meant to be funny because it wasn't,
it just comes off as cringey and stupid.
Hit: Baxley: "It's been a long time since I had a gun in my
hands." Coye: "What's it feel like?" Baxley: "Like a
gun...." OK that was kinda funny I'll give this movie that.
Miss: Earlier Nebraska says to Quinn that he shot his CO only to
reveal that Nebraska's the CO. Now I would've asked why Nebraska would shoot
himself but the movie doesn't provide an answer. So I'm just gonna assume that
it's just poorly made characterization or the guy's just fucking nuts.
Miss: Two guys hovering over a sleeping woman, that's not creepy at
all.
Miss: It's already established that Baxley has Tourette's but
instead of explaining that to Casey (after Baxley said "eat your
pussy"). The movie decides it's a better idea to drag out this scene for a
laugh with a joke that's not even funny.
Real Talk: Also serious question, just how or why is a person with
Tourette's is meant to be funny? I've seen this in Not Another Teen Movie with
that cheerleader character and just didn't get it. What was the joke, what was
the punchline? I get that true comedy is based in reality and then you take
that base point and exaggerate it to the point that it becomes comical. Well
what exactly is being exaggerated with the Baxley character? That the idea of
people uncontrollably twitching and uttering random words due to a
neurodevelopment disorder is considered humor? If so that's really shitty and
needs to go away.
Miss: Nebraska: "You know who Whoopi Goldberg is? It's like a
alien Whoopi Goldberg." Somebody wrote this in the script and thought it'd
be funny. Except that it wasn't....
Miss: *Rory's out trick or treating wearing the rogue Predator's
mask and gauntlet.* So what did Rory said early because something tells me that
he (and this film's writers) completely forgot about it.
Miss: And of course the school bullies recognizes with the
Predator gear and he's still going trick or treating anyway. What a
hypocrite....
Miss: These Predator dogs look stupid. What was wrong with the dogs
from Predators, they looked more vicious and dangerous.
Real Talk: Casey: "FYI, back at Stargazer I was naked and
unarmed. It walked right pass me." Yeah...you could've left the naked part
out because I doubt that was the reason it didn't kill you. Otherwise the
previous Predator movies would've been really awkward.
Hit: *Super-Predator rips the rogue Predator's head off.*
Miss: I get that the Super-Predator's meant to terrifying and
threatening but it's kinda ruined when it is not wearing a Predator mask.
Miss: Well this is the most bullshit retcons I've ever seen. Never
mind the fact the previous movies never establish this beyond "alien
hunter comes to Earth to hunt, kill and collect for trophies". Basically what Casey's
saying is that the Predators have been hunting and killing human preys not just
to collect trophies but to hybridized themselves with human DNA. Oh but wait,
the bullshit makes even less sense later and by the end of the movie.
Miss: Also these species sure weren't all that strong and smart if
they were killed by Predators.
Hit: Quinn talking to Casey: "You're pulling this out of your
ass." Yes she is and so are the writers of this movie.
Miss: So one of the Predator dogs from earlier was shot in the head
and now it acts like any other Earth dog. Well that's fucking convenient.
Real Talk: Why would the Predators give a shit about global
warming? Did this movie really had to throw in global warming as a plot
point?
Miss: *Traeger speculates that the rogue Predator came to Earth to
give the humans a means to stop the Upgrading Predators.* Is that right, huh?
So you're just gonna ignore the part where the rogue Predator killed most of
your personnel back at Stargazer? Completely forgotten about that part
entirely? OK....
Miss: *Quinn spots his son just magically unlocking a door of an
alien ship.* Quinn: "God damn kid, I don't know where he gets it
from." Plot contrivance, that's where he gets it from.
Real Talk: It's about time that Group 2 is getting killed off by
the Super-Predator. I mean these characters barely had any likable charm,
characterizations or development to make me care enough when they're killed
off.
Miss: There's no reason for the Super-Predator to de-cloak itself
especially when it has the element of surprise. Strategy, what is that?
Miss: *Traeger accidentally blown his head off with a modified
plasma caster.* This has to be the stupidest villain death in film
history.
Hit: *Coye and Baxley are morally wounded and both decided to shoot
each other.* Not going lie that's a nice moment, two war buddies on their last
waking moments to give themselves a mercy kill. Sadly this doesn't fully redeem them as shitty characters but
still a nice moment none the less.
Miss: So it's reveal that the Super-Predator wants Rory because
"he's a true warrior". Because Asperger's can make you a
warrior, apparently.
Miss: And just how exactly does a mental disorder is considered
useful as an upgrade to an advanced alien hunter race? The best thing this kid
has done was contrive through some alien tech and able to place every chess
piece back to the exact spots they were before they were knocked over by the bullies.
Very impressive feats indeed.
Miss: And let's not forget when Rory had an anxiety/panic attack when the
school's fire alarm was set off by the school bullies. But I'm sure that the
Upgrading Predators would find that very fucking useful.
Real Talk: For the record, I got nothing against people with
Asperger's (or any other mental disorders). I'm just calling it out for what it
is, shitty storytelling.
Miss: *Rory warns Quinn and the others that the Super-Predator is
activating its ship's force field.* How the fuck could he know that especially
when he can't even see the ship's controls? Oh that's right, plot contrivance.
Miss: Rather than just jumping off the ship before it's fully
encased by the force field. Nettles decides a much better idea to just
shoot the force field that results to having his legs chopped off and dies.
Miss: You wanna know if the film's writers purposely handicapped the Super-Predator in the final fight? It's when the Super-Predator just happens to
forget that it has cloaking, wrist plasma casters and a built in exo-armor. And
it's not like the Super-Predator is hunting the surviving main characters so it
wouldn't matter if it's unfair or dishonorable.
Miss: *Rory's working at some military/scientific/government
facility of some sort.* OK they do know that Child Labor laws is a thing, right?
Just because the kid has plot contrivance level intelligence doesn't mean he
gets a government job free and clear. If Sheldon Cooper was a real person even
he would call bullshit.
Miss: Quinn: "So, this is its gift to uh humankind?" Well
it seems Quinn's memory is just as spotty as Traeger's. Just completely
forgotten the part where the rogue Predator killed two of your men back in
Mexico, huh? OK then....
Miss: So the rogue Predator's gift to humankind is...a powered
armor suit.... If the Predator race has this type of tech then what's the point
of hybridizing themselves with DNA of other species? I think powered armor
suits are WAY more sufficient than just juicing on DNA like the Splicers from
Bioshock.
Miss: This must be Shane Black's middle finger to those who didn't
liked/enjoyed Iron Man 3. And yes its day is coming.
Miss: Also Discount Iron Man/Discount Guyver.
