Hits & Misses: BloodRayne

Miss: The first BloodRayne game was essentially about a sexy, bad ass Dhampir killing Nazis. This movie on the other hand takes place in 18th century Romania. Now the third movie does feature a Dhampir killing Nazis but I sincerely doubt it's faithful to the first game. And fuck no I'm not watching the sequels or that retarded spoof Boll made.

Hit: Movie uses the same title font design from the games.

Hit: For what it's worth, the set designs are OK.

Miss: "Based on the Majesco Video Game entitled BloodRayne" I think this sentence needs to be edited to "(Loosely) Based on the Majesco Video Game entitled BloodRayne". It's a lot more accurate.

Miss: Poor Michael Madsen was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Michael Madsen.

Miss: Poor Michelle Rodriguez was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Michelle Rodriguez.

Miss: Poor Kristanna Loken was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Kristanna Loken.

Miss: Vampires are common knowledge in this film's world from what I can tell. Yet people at a traveling circus are amazed at a woman who's harmed by water and feeds on blood to heal herself.

Miss: Poor Ben Kingsley was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Ben Kingsley.

Miss: Instead of showing Rayne going on a bloodlust and killed some of the carnies in sight. Movie decides that it's better to show it as a flashback while it cuts to Rayne confused and screaming quite annoyingly. As if she probably forgot the whole thing because the script says so.

Miss: Also great idea for this one carny attempting to rape a Dhampir, don't see nothing going horribly wrong here.

Miss: Poor Billy Zane was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Billy Zane

Miss: *Elrich requesting a message to be sent to his daughter, Katarin.* Most movies I've seen Billy Zane in he's usually quite entertainly hammy but in this scene it's like his very soul was drained out of him. And just comes off as him getting his scenes over with so he can leave the movie immediately.

Hit: Rayne's first outfit is pretty spot on from the games.

Miss: *Rayne on horseback.* Wearing a completely different outfit in a scene before arriving at a town, wearing her first outfit in a scene after she arrives in the town. Continuity, what's that?

Miss: This talisman Rayne finds that gives her immunity over holy water (at least I'm assuming it's holy water, the movie doesn't establish it). So why would this one room have a secondary trap that any vampire would be easily unaffected by if they obtain this talisman? And it's not like the room was being fully flooded with holy water, only about a few inches tops. Rayne could've easily ran out of the room.

Miss: Poor Udo Kier was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Udo Kier.

Miss: So it's just plain ordinary water that kills vampires instead of holy water. I understand that running water is a weakness to vampires but how is plain, unblessed water is able to harm them?

Miss: So this ancient vampire developed an immunity over sunlight, water and crosses and yet he was still killed without the movie explaining how. Unless we're supposed to assume that he didn't developed an immunity to stakes to the heart or just shitty writing.

Miss: Now this fight scene at the monastery seems cool but these close up shots and quick cuts are making it difficult to enjoy it. And I can't help that the fight choreography is a bit stiff at times. 

Hit: But I gotta give credit for the gore effects though.

Hit: Vampire Boobs, everywhere!

Miss: Poor Meat Loaf Aday was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Meat Loaf Aday.

Hit: Also, also gotta give credit to Meat Loaf's hammy performance in a sea of deadpan acting.

Miss: Rayne tells Vladimir, Sebastian and Katarin that Kagan raped and murdered her mother in front of her. Yet in the flashback there was a murder but no rape at all. I'd guess that the raped happened before Rayne was born but the shit writing doesn't seem to convey it that way.

Miss: Also that was rather unnecessary to have a flashback if Rayne was gonna tell what happened.

Miss: Even in a training montage the fight choreography looks stiff.

Hit: *Rayne and Sebastian having sex.* A better vampire sex scene than Twilight Breaking Dawn.

Hit: Also Rayne Boobs.

Miss: However, I'm not convince that Rayne is completely pantsless in certain angles where her bottom half is obscured.

Hit: Rayne's wearing a variation of her outfit that's pretty spot on from games. 

Hit: Also Rayne cleavage. 

Hit: Say what you want about Michelle Rodriguez but at least her acting's pretty good with that accent. Even though it's a real shame that her time and talent are wasted in this garbage film.

Miss: Although I'm a bit distracted that she's wearing blue contacts. I mean they could've just get an actress with blue eyes for the Katarin character?

Hit: *Domastir throws a dismembered head on Elrich's desk, then a letter from Katarin.* Elrich: "Would you stop throwing things at me."

Miss: So holy water is a thing in this world then how does plain water hurts vampires again?

Miss: Oh yeah, so much for "I don't thirst for human blood". I mean yeah Katarin betrayed Brimstone and had it coming but Rayne still fed blood from a human.  This is what happens when you a vampire who doesn't feed on human blood, inconsistency rears its ugly head before you know it.

Miss: Also what happened to those four other guys who were with Katarin? Are they still at the underwater entrance waiting for Katarin to come back? Did they assume that she drowned and piss off elsewhere? Did the movie deem them irrelevant and banished them into the void?

Miss: So Rayne's not gonna tell Vladimir and Sebastian that Katarin betrayed Brimstone and she killed her? OK then.

Miss: Also "she died with honor, fighting for our people" my ass.

Miss: More fight scenes with close up shots and quick cuts with a dash of unnecessary fast motion blurs this time.

Miss: Hey Vladimir you just got stabbed in the chest, maybe show a reaction to that? Like screaming in agony or something. No, you just gonna keep that deadpan reaction then? OK, fine.

Real Talk: So Kagan's dead and Rayne has all three talismans, will this be followed up in the two sequels? Don't know, don't care.

Hits & Misses: Alone in the Dark

Miss: Uwe Boll continues to tell not show with this lengthy ass text narration.

Miss: Well Sister Clara is a terrible person, letting some obsessed doctor doing god knows what to the orphans. Good job, lady.

Miss: *Young Edward Carnby is hiding at a small power station.* Oh yes kid, go hide at the first dangerous place you can think of. What could possibly go wrong, besides getting electrocuted for being a dumbass?  

Miss: Poor Christian Slater was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Christian Slater.

Miss: We're already shown/told what may have happened to Edward in the flashback and text narration but the movie felt the need to have Edward narrating certain information that was already established.

Miss: Instead telling the cab driver to get out of the Cab, Edward tells the cab driver to stay down as he quickly leaves before another Cab comes crashing into them. Granted the cab driver's fine but that was still an asshole move from Edward.

Miss: Was it really necessary for the zoom into the gun barrel shot? What purpose did that serve? 

Miss: Poor Tara Reid was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Tara Reid.

Miss: *A museum security guard explaining what the Abkani are to a delivery guy.* Once again the movie provides information that was already established. Yes this particular info is meant for the delivery guy but it still comes off as the movie unnecessarily repeating itself. Maybe if the text narration was removed this wouldn't be a problem with the exposition/conveyance. 

Miss: Edward didn't set up any device to scan this one artifact he found. So how did his computer got a complete scan of said artifact? Magical scanning powers out of nowhere! 

Miss: After the salvage crew opens a box made of gold, movie cuts to some random people just dropping what they're doing and walking to god knows where. Now the movie does revealed that these people were the same orphans Hudgens experimented on years ago. As to why these people just up walk away all of a sudden, fuck if I know. Where are these people walking to, fuck if I know. Will the movie provide any answers or explanations, fuck if I know.

Miss: Poor Stephen Dorff was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Stephen Dorff.

Miss: Fischer talking to Edward: "I did a full cross reference, too. Nothing much in common, except they all grew up in the same orphanage. Your orphanage...." If they grew up in the same orphanage as Edward then they DO have something in common. A screw up in the dialogue or a piss poor job from the screenwriters, take your pick. 

Miss/Sarcastic: Ooooooo flickering lights, how scary. 

Hit: Gonna be fair here the creature designs are pretty good.

Miss: Hold on, two main characters running away from a creature in a museum. Movie tries to rip off The Relic.

Miss: Bureau 713 is basically Discount B.P.R.D.

Miss: Pay no attention to Hudgens taking blood from this movie's creatures then injecting it into himself. Movie will never mention it again and doesn't have any importance with the plot. Storytelling, plot-threads, conveyance, what are those? 

Miss/Sarcastic: So 713 called these creatures Zenoes.... Oh Uwe Boll, you're so clever. Calling them Zenoes with a Z instead an X so no one won't immediately think you're ripping off the Xenomorphs. Ingenious!  

Miss: So these "Zenoes" can be killed by special bullets that gives off the same effect as sunlight; which kills the creatures. Wait a minute.... Creatures who dwell in the dark can be killed by sunlight bullets.... Movie rips off Underworld....how fucking embarrassing. 

Miss: Uh oh, the flickering lights are back. Better be scared.

Miss: Oh yeah, awesome! A shooty action scene in the dark, I'm sure those gun muzzle flashes won't cause any epileptic seizures. 

Hit: *One of the 713 agents gets his spine snapped in two by one of the Zenoes.* OK that was an awesome gore effect.

Miss: These parasite controlled people go full rage zombie mode on the 713 agents. But then out of nowhere one of the parasite zombies attacks a 713 agent like he's freaking Bruce Lee. Unless this is a Blade movie this particular scene is wholly out of place.

Miss: I wasn't too sure when seeing the blood next to the dead museum security guy. But now I'm certain they used CGI blood for the dead parasite zombies. That's just cheap....

Miss: Edward: "I don't think we're supposed to be here." Then why did you convinced Burke and Aline to go with you into the mine shaft of death? Also, no shit....

Miss: Edward, Burke and red shirt agent #2 had plenty of time to shoot some snake-like Zeno before it bites red shirt agent #1. But instead they just stand around doing nothing as the snake-like Zeno bites red shirt agent #1, eventually killing her. Excellent work, guys.

Real Talk: Is that 713 agent played by the lead actress from House of the Dead?

Real Talk: Come to think of it red shirt agent #2 is played by Daniel Cudmore. 

Miss: God damn it, they dragged Colossus into this garbage. 

Hit: *Agent Miles finds Agent Feenstra dead with her head split open.* Once again that's an awesome gore effect.

Miss: So while Edward and the others were in the mine shaft of death there was an apparent city-wide evacuation taking took place in one night. An entire city evacuated in one night, yeah I call bullshit. And it's not like the movie shown any crisis that possibly triggered a city-wide evacuation. I could assume that the Zenoes over run the city but again the shows nothing.

Miss: Movie rips off the Sam Rami Evil Dead camera shot.

BONUS ROUND

Miss: Hudgens experimented on the orphans to "merge man with creature". As for the why it's never explained outside of Hudgens saying words such as "thousands of lives can be saved" or "it's about the future of our species". But given how his parasite controlled orphans have been killing people and he himself practically cause an apocalypse I call his actions both contradicting and bullshit. Which leaves me to believe that the writers didn't bother giving Hudgens proper motivations but rather just some crazy villain doing crazy shit because the script said so.

Miss: Movie makes these parasite controlled orphans somewhat important to the story only to be reduced to zombified canon fodder. No pay off, no plot relevance, just a bunch of randos implanted with a parasite for the lead characters to fight. And considering that these people were innocent orphans experimented on there was next to zero repercussions when the lead characters killed them off. Essentially it's pointless to even sympathize with these parasite controlled orphans when the story doesn't bother to care about them, narratively.     

Miss: How exactly is Hudgens controlling the parasite controlled orphans or the Zenoes for that matter? Is it because of the Zeno blood he injects himself with, if so how? Does the Zeno blood protects him from being harm by the creatures? At no point he doesn't seem to be mutating or altered into something else. So instead the story provides no significance to whole Zeno blood injections plot-point or the whole Hudgens controlling the Zenoes plot-point. Now I don't know how Boll's mind works when it comes to storytelling (and I honestly don't wanna know). But when establishing a plot-point you don't just skip it without providing any explanations or just simply ignore it all together.

Miss: The text narration explains that Hudgens built a hidden laboratory when the government shut down his research. This led me to believe that Hudgens was clearly doing illegal activities outside of Bureau 713. Yet when Edward and the others discovered his hidden lab they immediately come to the conclusion that 713 was behind the experiments. If that's the case then why would Hudgens be killing the agents? And you would think that some of the 713 agents be working with Hudgens in secret but that's not even the case. Well except for that one rando agent who was under parasitic control. But besides that it was all Hudgens who's been doing the experiments. I feel that the text narration the film's story were clashing each other the more you think about it. It's as if there were two different stories for the movie and no one couldn't decide which to go with. So instead they went half and half and see what works. 

Hits & Misses: House of the Dead

Real Talk: For the record I've watched only three of Uwe Boll's shit tier film adaptations and given his track record that's quite enough for me. And I don't care if he's gotten better in his recent movies. If he didn't repeatedly make one shitty adaptation after another while being a delusional jackass then just maybe I'd believe that he's not a fucking retard.

Miss: Only a few minutes in and the movie already spoils that most of Rudy's friend are gonna die later on. Show don't tell, building connections with the characters...these are creative concepts that are completely foreign to Mr. "I'm not a fucking retard" Boll.

Miss: And it really serves no purpose for Rudy narrating his friends' backstories. Because again the movie already spoiled that they're gonna die. So please feel free to not waste your time getting to know them too well.

Miss: The first House of the Dead game was a light-gun rail-shooter about two AMS agents fighting hordes of undead creatures to stop an obsessed geneticist. The adaptation on the other hand...a bland zombie movie about a bunch of randos trying to survive after arriving at a rando rave. Because clearly that's how adaptations work, right?

Hit: OK I'm gonna be a little nice here. Asian boobs.

Miss: Poor Clint Howard was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Clint Howard.

Miss: Poor Jurgen Prochnow was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Jurgen Prochnow.

Miss: Kirk warns the red shirts that the island's too dangerous. But when Simon offers a $1,000 Kirk practically says "fuck it, let's go". This guys self-preservation really sucks.

Hit: Greg: "Kirk...as in Captain Kirk? Does that make him (pointing at Salish) Mr. Spock? *Kirk stinks his knife in front of Greg.* Kirk: "I don't like no Captain Kirk jokes." OK that was kinda funny.

Hit: Erica Durance boobs...as in Smallville Lois Lane boobs.

Hit: And a nice Lois Lane ass shot as a bonus.

Miss: Movie rips off Jaws with underwater shots of naked Lois Lane.

Hit: And more boobs.

Miss: Throughout the entire movie clips from the House of the Dead game pop up in some scene transitions. They serve no purpose plot-wise and they're a bit annoying.

Miss: I don't care what Uwe Boll thinks, having zombies running around in the shadows isn't scary.

Miss: It's raining at Kirk's boat, while it's not raining on the island.

Real Talk: This movie is in no position to be mentioning George Romero.

Miss: Alicia talking to Rudy about Liberty: "Let me just give you a little tip, I don't think she's a natural Red White and Blue." Well that didn't sound racist at all.

Miss: Cynthia's a zombie before she's shot dead by Casper. If the movie didn't spoiled the outcome of these red shirts I would actually cared.

Miss: Kirk's rather calm when he's gunning down the zombies as they're climbing onto the boat. Does this sort of thing happens to him all the time? Or is it just bland acting?

Miss: Random close up shots of zombies, because that's what Uwe Boll deems it as scary.

Miss: Just what reason did Liberty felt the need to go into the zombie-filled shallow water only to be nearly drown by them? I mean she does make it back to shore but what did that accomplished exactly, being a dumbass?

Hit: Rudy shouting to Kirk: "SHOOT IT!" Kirk: "What do you think I'm trying to do you fucking moron." That was a good response.

Miss: Greg talking to Casper: "Greg...my name's Greg." Doesn't matter still gonna die because Rudy's narration said so.

Miss: So instead of Roy Curien as the antagonist we get some spanish padre who thinks he's Victor Frankenstein.

Miss: Hey Rudy, Liberty's being dogpiled by zombie, care to save her? No...just gonna stand there and watch her getting eaten alive? OK....asshole.

Miss: Rudy talking the fatally wounded Casper before she dies: "You saved us...." I don't know man there's still plenty of characters left to die. Kinda jumping the gun there buddy.

Real Talk: Karma talking to Simon: "What do you think is gonna happen to us?" You're all gonna die, next stupid question.

Sarcastic: *Simon and Karma share a romantic kiss.* Well I'm sure these two will survive through this. I truly believe these two make it out alive and not pointlessly sacrifice themselves near the end. 

Miss: That was nice for Kirk to blow himself up along with a few zombies but couldn't he did that just a few more feet away from the one door that's keeping the zombies out?

Miss/Sarcastic: Oh no, Simon sacrificed himself by shooting a stockpile of gunpowder. Well I'm sure Karma can make it out, hopefully.

Miss: I don't care about these clips from the freaking game that keeps popping in this walkway through an underground scene. You not fooling anyone with this shit stain of a movie being accurate to the source material. 

Miss: Oh no, Karma sacrificed herself by stupidly taking on a huge number of zombies. Just what was the point of hooking up these two if they just gonna die soon after. Oh wait that's right because the narration deem them dead men walking.

Miss: Rudy talking to Castillo: "You created it all so you could become immortal, why?" I think you've answered your own question, dude.

Miss: *Rudy/Alicia and Castillo final fight.* All these fast/slow rotating camera shots of the characters does not make this action scene any better. In fact it's rather annoying and pointless.

Miss: Alicia got stabbed square in the chest by Castillo yet somehow managed to get up long enough to curve stomp his head like a grape. And somehow somehow she's still alive after that. Looks like Paul WS Anderson isn't the only director who pulls bullshit out of their ass when it comes to lead female characters.

Miss: Oh now the AMS agents show up, a bit late to the party though.

Hits & Misses: Deadpool 2

Miss: Vanessa's dead....boooooo.....

Hit/LOL: Movie obviously ripping off the credit openings of James Bond.

Miss: No Stan Lee Cameo.

LOL: Wade: "At least we still have Bowie."
Yes Wade, we "still" have David Bowie. HA HA HA HA!!!

Miss: Russel Collins...annoying as f**k.

Hit: Black Tom Cassidy

Miss: This movie had the opportunity to do a Terminator joke/reference as Cable arrived at present day and didn't do it. And no that John Conner reference doesn't count.

Hit: Gotta give credit to the prosthetic/make-up effects of Cable's cybernetics.

Hit: Cable: "Dubstep's for pussy"

Miss: Bedlam, Vanisher, Shatterstar and Zeitgeist. Introduced in the movie only to get killed off a few scenes later. Talk about meaningless.

Hit: I don't agree with Domino being black but the actress is really good.

Miss: Damn....bye Black Tom....

Hit: Juggernaut done right....suck it X-Men 3.

Miss: Sadly he doesn't say "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch".

Miss: Baby legs....

Hit: Colossus vs Juggernaut

Hit: Colossus fights dirty.

Miss: The most embarrassing defeat of the Juggernaut, ever....

Real Talk: Deadpool with a time machine, what can possibly go wrong?

Hit/Miss: This is the closest Deadpool/Wolverine moment you're gonna get in the movie.

Hits & Misses: RoboCop (2014)

Miss: They just had to drag Samuel L Jackson into this remake.

Hit: Also Samuel L Jackson

Real Talk: Movie establishes these battle drones won't harm anyone when they're wearing electronic bracelets that deems them as Red Assets. Remember this for the ending because the movie pulls some Bullshit Ex Machina out of its ass that'll never be explained.

Miss: They just had to drag Jackie Earle Haley into this remake.

Hit: Also Jackie Earle Haley

Hit: Not gonna lie the remake version of the ED 209s are actually pretty cool. Not to mention that they're reliable and functional whereas the original ED 209 was made a running joke in the sequels.

Miss: *Dumbass terrorist kid confronts an ED 209 with a knife only to get shot to pieces.* What a way to spread fear and terror to the world, confronting a big bad ass drone with a knife just to get turn into red paint. What was this kid's plan for the EM 208s, attacking them with a super soaker?

Hit: The modern RoboCop theme is actually pretty good.

Miss: However, this theme only plays for a few seconds. One of the most iconic theme music in movies and the remake plays it for a few seconds. Not only that but the theme is played only three times in this remake, fucking lame.

Miss: And since I'm on the subject, this film's soundtrack is just weak and not all that memorable compare to the original.

Miss: When the original introduced Lewis she was quite the capable bad ass. Whereas the Lewis in this remake is already shot up and in the hospital when he's introduced.

Miss: And to top it all off, the remake made Lewis from a white woman to a black guy. Now don't get me wrong I got nothing against diverse characters it's just that Hollywood has this REALLY lazy way to push for diversity. Race/gender swapping existing characters IS NOT being progressive or displaying representation. It just makes the creators horribly lazy and making the race/gender swapped characters derivative as fuck. Furthermore, nine times out of ten there's never a narrative reason within the plot/story to justify these changes but rather usually apropos nothing to said characters and/or plot. Point being race/gender swapping is a lazy, superfluous concepts that needs to fuck right off.

Miss: You wanna know if a mega corporation is obviously evil? It's when there's an ominous music playing in the background at Sellar's office meeting. Subtly, what's that? And yes the people of OCP were scummy douchebags but the original (and the sequels) shows them being scummy douchebags rather than playing not-so-subtle evil music in the background. 

Miss: "Corrupt cops" cliche. The movie doesn't even try to be subtle or shocking about it, just has the two corrupt cops talking to Antoine Vallon out in public. 

Miss: And speaking of Antoine Vallon, this guy is no Clarence Boddicker. In the original he teases Alex Murphy before shooting his hand off then has his gang shooting the shit out of Murphy. And then to add the cherry on Clarence shoots a still alive Murphy in head. Vallon just gets some rando goon to plant a bomb to Murphy's car and call it a day. Clarence killed plenty of cops with zero fucks given while Vallon is too much of a pussy to kill a cop himself.

Miss: *Alex and Clara are about to have sex until his car alarm went off.* PG-13 my ass.

Miss: So this car bomb doesn't go off back at the hospital nor when Murphy's driving home. But instead it goes off at the house at night with the off chance of Murphy stepping out to switch off the car alarm. I guess that bomb was lucky the car alarm just randomly went off when it did. Otherwise the bomb would've gone off and killed fucking no one.

Miss: Also was the car bomb on a slowest timer ever? Why not have it go off as soon as Murphy got in the car? This just comes off as goofy narrative flow.

Hit: I actually like the RoboCop design to be fair, that is before they give it a new paint job.

Miss: Although it's a shame there's a scene that's cut from the movie explaining why Murphy still has his right hand. I guess the editors didn't think it was that important.

Miss: In the original Murphy's memories were erased and was legally dead when turned into RoboCop. Becoming one of the key plot-points in the movie of Murphy rediscovery his former life. In this remake Murphy still has his memories, going through the same arc as the original minus being deep and impactful.

Miss: And it really doesn't help how this Murphy's mannerisms and personality stays the same through the whole remake. Well that is whenever the script doesn't have him acting like a cyborg zombie for the sake of the plot. Hell he doesn't do the robo-voice like in the original.

Miss: Sellars and Norton were looking for a candidate who's mentally stable enough for the transition into RoboCop. Unfortunately when Murphy is revealed what became of him he practically had a breakdown. Good choice, guys. 

Miss: *Norton shows Murphy what's left of him after stripping away the cybernetics.* I get it's meant for Murphy to be shocked as being left as a head with lungs and heart. But why not just show some fancy techno schematics to get the same point across? This reveal was no more than out of nowhere shock value in a PG-13 movie. Also PG-13 my ass...

Miss: The handcannon in this remake ain't got nothing compare to the gun from the original. This thing looks like a knock off Nerf gun sold at dollar stores.

Miss: Mattox: "Wouldn't buy that for a dollar." What a waste of a callback.

Miss: *Norton working on Murphy's brain.* What was even the point of being a PG-13 movie with scenes like this?

Hit: Callback to the original RoboCop design.

Miss: I know it's meant to be heartwarming with Murphy reconnecting with his family but I'm just not feeling it. Not sure if it's the acting, the mood, the tone or what but this just comes off flat to me.

Miss: *Murphy identifies a criminal and immediately tased him.* This one guy out of the crowd did absolutely nothing yet Murphy just up and tased him for no reason. I mean yeah the guy's got a criminal record and maybe probable causes but still. At least in the original Murphy was stopping crimes as they were happening rather then gunning down criminals without probable causes. The remake doesn't even show him stopping such crimes in progress.

Miss: Also why was this guy doing at a public event in the first place? Did he really went there hoping he won't get notice by the dozens of people who are attending?

Miss: Right in the middle of news report scene a slightly longer RoboCop theme can barely be heard over Sam L Jackson, what the fuck?

Miss: *Murphy is connected to CCTVs and smart phones in order to track down criminals.* Detroit doesn't need RoboCop it just needs some people watch on these CCTVs and some rapid response forces. Kinda a waste of tech and resources to have one cyborg to do the whole job.

Miss: When RoboCop discovers his own murder and the people who did it in the original it was a revelation that drove him into recovering his life. The remake on the other hand has no such plot revelations that drives Murphy forward due to him still retaining his memories of his murder and knows who've done it.

Miss: *Murphy practically tortures a guy to find where Vallon is.* Now he's being less like RoboCop and more like the Punisher.

Miss: Oh wow, a shootout scene shot completely in the dark (accompanied by night and infrared vision). Guess that's one way to have a PG-13 action scene, even though the movie had no problem with that drug factory shootout earlier.

Miss: And clearly turning off the lights didn't do shit since Murphy has infrared vision.

Miss: In the original Murphy went personal with Boddicker, he wanted him to pay for what he did until he's reminded that he's a cop. In this remake Murphy finally confronts Vallon only to shoot him and that's the end of the scene. No retribution, no personal payback just BANG villain dead, next scene. 

Miss: Just maybe if Sellars had Murphy's memories wiped and legally dead then he and cohorts wouldn't have to worry about Murphy investigating their clients. And wouldn't get any stink from Murphy's wife.  

Miss: And just like that Sellars is evil because the script say so. At least Dick Jones had reasons and motives on why he's the bad guy. Sellars on the other hand suffers from "evil corporate guy be evil" cliche by counterintuitive plot-points. 

Hit: Gonna be fair the fights between Murphy and the ED 209s were pretty good.

Miss: Sellars is wearing the Red Asset bracelet that's preventing Murphy from arresting/shooting him. Yet somehow Murphy just wills himself long enough to shoot Sellars dead anyway. Now in the original Murphy can't harm any OCP official due to Directive 4 until near the end the Old Man yells "Dick...you're fired!" Giving Murphy the chance to shoot Dick Jones dead. Murphy in the remake was able to shoot Sellars in spite of the Red Asset bracelet because fuck it, the script says so. Great storytelling right here folks.

Miss: Oh fuck off movie, you don't ever bleep Samuel L Jackson. Ever!

Hits & Misses: Total Recall (2012)

Real Talk: I was a little lenient when I first watched this movie but that may have changed since 2012.

Miss: The original has this fitting title sequence accompanied by the epic music composed by Jerry Goldsmith. In the remake the movie title just appears on screen with generic sci-fi music playing in the background.

Miss: *Text Narration* The original Total Recall never needed any form of narration, everything was neatly conveyed through dialogues and character actions. I know this is for the sake of worldbuilding but if the remake can't even try to convey information the same way the original did it just comes off as lazy storytelling.

Miss: People behind this movie had the opportunity to make an accurate adaptation of the short story but instead they made a generic copy-and-paste version of the original with topics like Mars and mutants replaced with living spaces and colony. In other words in spite of this movie taking a different approach, most of the scenes will come off having zero narrative impact and predictable as fuck to anyone who has ever watched the original.

Miss: Lori in the remake is just the same as the Lori from the original except here she's a cross between herself and Rictor from the original.

Miss: Resistance Leader Matthias, a/k/a Discount Kuato

Real Talk: Nothing against Bryan Cranston but when it comes to the Cohaagen character he's no Ronny Cox.

Miss: The locations in the original had a unique aesthetic and look in every scene. While this movie has locations that'll give you Blade Runner flashbacks due to how samey looking they are. This movie might as well be a remake of Blade Runner, it be slightly less confusing. 

Miss: The majority of the movie takes place in the United Federation of Britain and The Colony (Australia) yet (aside from Lori) most of the main characters don't have a british or Australian accent. This won't feel weird or jarring at all.

Miss: Quaid from the original was so fixated on Mars that he wanted to move there with Lori. Then when he sees the Rekall commercial he decides to go there to pay for the memories of going to Mars. This version of Quaid has nothing of importance he was fixating on that got him to go to Rekall in the first place. So instead some rando character (Marek) who serves as nothing more but a plot device to convince Quaid into going to Rekall.     

Miss: And since I brought it up, this movie mentions Mars once...that's it.

Hit: SEXBOTS!!!

Hit: A woman with three breasts, a reference from the original Total Recall.

Miss: However, since Mars and to that extent mutants are not in this movie how does this one woman have three breasts? Is it a birth defect? Is the third breast a fake prosthetic? Is it a new form of body mod that women do in this movie? If the worldbuilding wasn't so lazy I shouldn't be asking these questions. The original conveyed that most people on Mars are mutants due to living under cheap domes that don't have enough air to keep out the rays. Hence the three breasted woman in the original.

Miss: The Bob character from the original was essentially a charismatic salesman in convincing Quaid into the Ego Trip offer along with the Mars Package. The Mac character in this movie just undersales it in comparison. And it doesn't help that he out right spoils the movie by saying "You could be working for the Resistance, maybe you work for Cohaagen. Or why limited yourself, why not both?" Not that this movie has anything to spoil if you watched the original.

Miss: Mac can scan Quaid's mind to see if he's hiding anything. But instead of waiting for the scan to finish he just injects the Secret Agent memory into Quaid anyway.

Hit: *Quaid kills the Federal Police as the camera does this long circle panning shot.* Interesting camera shot, a lot better than that shaky cam bullshit. Or those stupid seizure inducing jump cuts in one scene shot. 

Miss: These Federal Police guys set up cameras inside the locked room yet they don't noticed Quaid priming the grenades from the dead cops. Impressive technology these guys have. 

Miss: If only the original Total Recall didn't exist I would've found it surprising of Lori trying to kill Quaid.

Miss: And of course this movie copies Quaid's revelation that he's not who he think he is line for line. Trying something different, what's that? 

Real Talk: Having a phone inside your hand seems cool but that immediately gets ruined when you have to take it the hard way.

Miss: *Quaid finds a case with money, IDs, a disguise and a video message from himself.* Oh yes, this isn't lazily ripping off from the original. Nope not at all.

Miss: Remake rips off the scene where Quaid is in disguise until eventually his disguise glitches out. Only difference here is they put in this overweight woman as a wink wink reference of the original. Whereas Quaid was disguise as an old Asian man until his hologram mask just randomly glitches out upon arriving to UFB just to throw in another action scene. 

Miss: Somehow the flying car chase scene is giving Minority Report flashbacks.

Miss: Scenes in the original had build up and suspense due to the well thought out writing; leaving the story/plot to flow more naturally. The remake on the other hand bum-rushes through plot threads just to hurry up and get to the action scenes. I should be impressed by the action scenes but they just come off as distractions from how hollow the story/plot is in comparison to the original.

Miss: Instead of telling Quaid that the key is to a piano that displays an interactive message, Hauser from the video message was hoping for Quaid would be playing the piano out of curiosity. 

Miss: So Cohaagen's evil plan was faking terrorist attacks to mass produce more Federal Police Synthetics, more than enough to take over the Colony for the living space. I guess colonizing the Moon or freaking Mars was out of the question. Just take over this one free space that'll get overpopulated within a few decades.    

Miss: And here's this movie's biggest fuck you to the original Total Recall, the scene where Quaid is being talk down that he's still at Rekall living out his secret agent fantasy. When the original did it there was a feeling that got you thinking that just may be everything Quaid had experienced might actually be a fantasy the whole time. As for the remake you don't get that feeling because the original already done it but better and far more subtle. 

Real Talk: This is a problem with most remakes these lazy studios and filmmakers make such mediocre remakes, banking on them to be better than the originals. Don't get me wrong there good remakes (John Carpenter's The Thing, 1986's The Fly, Scarface), my problem is that good remakes are super rare. While most remakes these days are either lazy cash grabs or safety nets for studios/filmmakers to never take risks creatively and financially.

Miss: As much as I should care that Matthias is killed, I barely even knew this character to give any ounce of fucks about him. (Aside from being Melina's father if you're watching the extended director's cut.) At least the original conveyed some hints of who Kuato is before he's revealed and had a far more role than just being some resistance leader guy. 

Miss: Oh no Hauser was in on Cohaagen's plan the whole time.... Except I really don't care because I've seen the original so instead this is just a weak plot reveal.

Miss: So the Fall has to do a gravity shift every time it passes the Earth's core. Yet you mean to tell me that none of the federal cops (who have Quaid and Melina at gunpoint) didn't hear the gravity shift announcement? Nor don't have any measures to prevent themselves from free floating when the gravity shift happens? Plot convenience by inapt writing folks! 

Hit: *Quaid vs Cohaagen* Gonna be honest Bryan Cranston's a bad ass in this fight scene.

Real Talk: *Cohaagen dies when the Fall explodes.* I prefer the way Cohaagen died in the original, that was awesome.

Miss: So the Colony has independence now that the Fall is destroyed, ok good for them. But aircrafts do exist in this movie, so what's to stop the UFB from invading via airstrikes? 

Hits & Misses: The Thing (2011)

Miss: Movie uses a variation of 82's theme music but doesn't have the same oomph as the 82's theme music.

Miss: And since I'm on the subject, compare to the 82's soundtrack the 2011's soundtrack is rather weak. It barely builds up any tension or atmosphere similar to the 82's Thing.

Miss: The opening title of 82's Thing was done with practical effects. (The title was placed behind a fish tank which was filled with smoke. While the fish tank was covered with a trash bag which was set on fire.) Whereas the opening title here was done digitally but just not as ominous as the 82's title opening.

Miss: *Halvorson recruits Kate for an investigation at the Norwegian Research station.* So let me get this straight, the research station doesn't have their own paleontologists or just fly one in from Norway. They had to recruit an American paleontologist instead. The 82's Thing never mentioned any Americans working with the Norwegians at the dig site.

Real Talk: Hey is that Tormund Giantsbane from Game of Thrones?

Miss: One of the problems with most prequels is the lack of continuity/consistency with the first movie. For instance, in 82's Thing MacReady and the others discovered from research videos of the Norwegians using thermite charges to dig up the alien spacecraft. Whereas 2011's Thing they just dug up the creature and left the spacecraft buried in the ice. Oh don't worry the movie fixes this problem, unfortunately it's gonna be inconsistent and stupid.

Miss: Halvorson: "Kate... In the future, don't contradict me in front of those people again." Kate: "I just thought..." Halvorson: "You're not here to think. You're here to get that thing safe out of the ice." Well the way I see it, given that the Norwegians had everything ready to go before Kate showed up she barely did her job. Hell she was quite surprised how fast they set up everything to dig the creature out from the ice that she said "you've gotten everything taken care of, I don't think you really need me". Point being they brought in a character whom's expertise was left underutilized and is just here as a fifth wheel. Ellen Ripley didn't had this problem in the first two Alien movies.

Miss: Also what was even the point of Halvorson recruiting Kate on to this discovery if he's gonna act like a dick-waving asshole to anyone questioning his authority?

Hit: *One of the Norwegian crewman is grabbed on absorbed by the Thing as another crewman calls for help.* Credit for the creature effects and for keeping the creature hidden in shadows just like in the 82's Thing.

Hit: Also credit for the practical/visual effects of the creature during the autopsy scene.

Miss: *Kate and Adam discovered that the creature was trying to imitate the Norwegian crewman.* If the 82's Thing didn't exist this would actually be a shocking revelation. Unfortunately that movie does exist and this scene comes off as a no shit moment for people who saw the 82 film.

Miss: In the 82 film, the sets of the American research station were done in Alaska and the Universal Studios Lot. Putting all their effort in capturing the atmosphere of antarctica. But in this movie, it's almost obvious they green screened some of the backgrounds.   

Miss: *Carter, Jameson, Griggs and one other Norwegian crewman were about to leave via until Kate flags them down. Thing-Griggs randomly reveals itself and attacks the Norwegian crewman.* From the way the movie played off that the Norwegian crewman could be the Thing, Thing-Griggs had no reason to immediately reveal itself. Especially when Kate thinks that the Norwegian crewman might be the Thing. Thing-Griggs could've just easily lied that the Norwegian crewman is the Thing.   

Hit: I'm gonna be a little lenient on the CGI when I say that the Thing-Griggs transformation was impressive.

Miss: *Thing-Juliette convinces Kate that Colins might be the Thing only to trick her into a room to absorb her.* The creature in the 82 film was established as not only intelligent but cunning. Getting into the blood supply storage with Gary's keys, building a makeshift spacecraft from miscellaneous parts and it tries to frame MacReady by taking some of his clothes and stuck them up a furnace. At no point the creature doesn't just randomly reveals itself for cheap scares. But rather whenever it's caught or (in the case of Thing-Norris being defibrillated) when it thinks it's being attacked.Yes it does try to absorb the American crewmen when it's alone but not when there's a chance it might get caught or the victim might get away. Point being with 2011's Thing it's like the filmmakers have no idea how subtitle scares work or fail to understand why the scares and the unsettling atmosphere worked so well in 82's Thing.   

Hit: Now again I'm being lenient on the CGI, Thing-Juliette's transformation was impressive.

Miss: Although some of CGI can get a bit jankey at times with some of these creatures are just floaty human heads with bodies made of teeth and tendrils.

Miss: Some of scenes and dialogues in this film are copied and pasted from 82's Thing. Fucking lazy, this movie is.

Miss: *Carter and Jameson made it back to the research station.* Peder: "It is impossible for a human to survive in that crash." I agree with that, not to mention they managed to walk miles back to the research station in a snowstorm. And what about Thing-Griggs, is it still alive? If not then how did Carter and Jameson managed to kill it?

Miss: They didn't burn the creature from ice with the rest of the things?

Miss: *Kate comes up a way to tell if any of the crewmen are the Thing by checking for metal fillings in their mouths. Due to the creatures inability to imitate inorganic materials.* Good idea but here's the problem. What if these guys didn't get any metal fillings, 50/50 they might not be the Thing. Or what if they're not missing any back teeth, what then? I'm missing some back teeth yet I don't have any fillings. Does that mean I'm the Thing? Like what Halvorson said, there are too many variables. Any of these guys could just lie that they never got metal fillings if they were the Thing. I know the filmmakers didn't want to copy the hot needle blood test scene. But they could at least thought up something that just as logical as that scene.

Miss: *Thing-Edvard just breaks apart then starts attacking everyone in the rec room with a large tendril.* There was no need for Thing-Edvard to randomly reveal itself and attack everyone. It wasn't being attacked (aside from that explosion after Peder got shot). It didn't get caught for anything odd or suspicious. So once again these disguised creatures randomly going into full monster mode for the sake of cheap scares.

Miss: *Adam tries to get out of rec room only to get stabbed by Thing-Edvard's tendril.* There was a window right next to him and his best idea was to run towards the danger to get away. Brilliant. I know it's cold as shit outside but he could easily broke into another window at some other area of the station.

Miss: You're telling me that the spacecraft is still functional the whole time it was buried? And instead of the creature to just take off back into space it decides to leave the spacecraft and ends up freezing in the ice.  

Miss: So basically when the spacecraft's engines start up the ship just magically unearthed itself from the ice. Instead of being dug up by Norwegians with thermite charges, fucking bullshit.

Real Talk: This part was hard to determine to be a miss. On one hand Carter could've been the Thing but on the other it's possible his earring could've fallen off back at the ship. And then there's Carter pleading with Kate not to burn him; not once did he transform and attack her. So chances are she just killed a human. 

Hit: And now this movie uses the 82's theme.

Miss: Kinda pointless to have Lars surviving this ordeal since he gets shot in the face by Gary in the 82's film.