TFV Anti-Twilight Month Review: Stephen King's Silver Bullet

Remember how scary and awesome werewolves use to be before Twilight turned them into pussified pedophiles? Well this movie remembers, all too well it remembers.


We open on a train yard in the town of Tarker's Mills where an Arnie Westrum is working the night shift. As he’s working on tracks, a dark figure is lurking about. Arnie spots some strange footprints before the dark figure sneaks behind him and with one swipe decapitates Arnie. Since Arnie was a chronic drunk the town’s coroner concluded that he passed out on the tracks and no other evidence can prove otherwise. Cut to a town festival where we’re introduced to Jane Coslaw (played by Megan Follows). As Reverend Lester Lowe (played by Everett McGill) is giving a speech, Jane decides to leave and her mother asked to check on her brother Marty (who’s a paraplegic). Cut to Marty Coslaw (played by Corey Haim) and his friend Brady Kincaid (played by Joe Wright). So before he fought vampires in Lost Boys, Corey Haim fought werewolves go figure. Anyway they found a garter snake and Brady has an idea to scare Jane with it. Marty is hesitant so he ask him not to overbroad. A few minutes later Jane is looking for Marty until she sees the garter snake in the tree; she freaks out and runs away but only to fall down immediately ruining her pantyhose. Jane sees Brady up in the tree holding the snake and gets rather mad. Marty shows up out of hiding saying that it’s just a garter snake. As Jane gets up Brady throws the snake at her causing her to fall into a puddle. Marty is not too happy about that and tries to apologize but Jane is angrily resentful and walks away. Jane stops behind the bushes to take off the ruined pantyhose (now she underage folks so no naughty thoughts please). Anyway Jane spots a woman trying to tell to a man that she’s pregnant and the baby may be his. The man immediately denies it and walks away leaving the pregnant woman in distraught. After the Coslaws returned home we cut to nighttime as Jane is sleeping but is awaken by Marty entering her bedroom leaving her money to get new pantyhose. Jane accepts the money and Marty’s apology.


Cut to the home of the pregnant woman from earlier as she’s about to commit suicide by consuming pills. Meanwhile outside the house in a POV shot of someone or something climbing up the house. The pregnant woman continues to consume the pills until she turns around, sees a dark figure outside of her window and screams. The dark creature smashes through the window and tears the woman to piece. Meanwhile the woman’s mother is downstairs hearing all of the commotion; she grabs a revolver and heads to the pregnant woman’s room only to find her daughter dead. To summarize a couple of scenes the town sheriff Joe Haller (played by Terry O’ Quinn) calling in for some additional help while some of the townspeople are concern of what happened. Cut to school as Marty accompanies a friend name Tammy to her house; on the way they come across the police investigating the pregnant woman’s house. As they arrived to Tammy’s house she tells Marty that she’s been hearing strange noises from an old shed across her house. Tammy’s dad orders her to get in the house and Marty leaves on home. Cut to nighttime at the Coslaw house where Marty is playing cards with his uncle Red (played by Gary Busey). Marty’s mother is not too kind of having Red around given that he’s an alcoholic and that he’s going through a third divorce. After Marty goes off to bed, his mother and Red started arguing over he well-being. His mother is contempt that Marty has too many strikes against him but Red believes that there’s more to Marty than not be able to walk. Cut to Tammy’s house as her dad crack open some beers and watching wrestling. He’s interrupted by a commotion in the old shed, goes to grab his rifle and proceeds straight to the shed. Inside the shed he sees some of his flower pots smashed; continues to the other end of the shed and finds nothing out the backdoor. But little does he know that something is stalking him from under the floorboards. He gets spooked by a noise behind, quickly turns around and fires his rifle, but it only turns out to be a flower pot. The shed starts to shake until the creature burst through the floorboard and grabs Tammy’s dad. As he gets pulled down, he gets impaled by a protruded floorboard and dies as he’s pulled down off-screen.


The next day Sheriff Haller is approached by the mayor asking if he has any leads, but all can Haller can say is that he’s working on it. The townspeople are terrified that another person is brutally murdered; so terrified that they’ve begun to return to their homes very early before sundown. Cut to Marty getting his kite down from a tree while Brady is flying his kite; Jane shows up to get Marty home before dark. Brady stays behind to fly his kite leaving Marty looking very worried before he leaves. Cut to nighttime at a town bar where an angry resident Andy Fairton (played by Bill Smitrovich) insults Haller’s abilities of investigating these murders. The deputy Sheriff Pete Maxwell (played by David Hart) has had enough with the guy and threatens him to shut it. The two were about to fight but an Herb Kincaid (played by Kent Broadhurst) enters the bar asking if anyone seen his son Brady. Unfortunately we found out what’s become of Brady as we cut to the traumatize Sheriff Haller carrying Brady’s kite that’s covered in blood. Mr. Kincaid shows up at the crime scene finding his son’s dead body and becomes completely disarray at the site of it. The next day after Brady’s funeral Red takes Marty to drive him home. On the way Marty makes a speculation that maybe the one who’s doing the killings isn’t a person but a monster, like a werewolf. Red quickly laughs it off and insures Marty that it’s just some crazy man and nothing else. Cut to the town bar where some of the townspeople have gathered for manhunt nearby the woods. Sheriff Haller arrives to stop them, telling them that what they’re planning to do is worse than lynch mobs and is against the law. The townspeople are rather nervous but Mr. Kincaid gives a vengeful speech that inspires them as he leaves off for some private justice. Reverend Lowe shows up trying to stop them but proven futile. The townspeople arrived to the area where Brady was killed and proceeds straight into the woods. Most of them have split off in small groups and cut to Andy’s group entering a fog heavy area as they start hearing loud monstrous growls. One of them speculates that it’s under the fog with them. The creature takes out two of them while the rest make a run for it. The bartender gets caught by the werewolf but he fights back by hitting it with a baseball bat. But the creature snatches the bat from the bartender and beats him to death. WEREWOLF SMASH!


Cut to a funeral in progress which I to point out that there are four caskets. Now we just saw three people got killed, who was the fourth person? When the fourth person got killed, somewhere off-screen? I usually would say “continuity what’s that” but I would think there was a scene that was cut out from the movie. Reverend Lowe is giving a speech but Mr. Kincaid interrupts him behaving a bit odd. Lowe continues his speech as we take notice of most of the townspeople looking rather vicious towards him. Mr. Kincaid interrupts him again this time looking beast-like and roars; Reverend Lowe is in stays in shock as he watches the townspeople transforming into werewolves. However, it turns to be a nightmare as Lowe walks up screaming. Cut to next day the Coslaw stop at a town fair only find out that it’s been canceled along with the fireworks which disappoints Marty. Back at the Coslaw house Red is secretly working on something in the garage and shows it to Marty upon finishing it. It’s a custom built wheelchair with motorcycle parts and engine; now I’m not a paraplegic or anything but damn I want one. Hell anyone who’s in a wheelchair needs this thing and I mean anyone in a wheelchair not those lazy fucks whom can’t be bothered with the simple task of walking. Anyway after Marty test drives it we cut to nighttime as the family is having a cookout as Red is about head out. Red gives Marty a bag full of fireworks and asked him to stay near house. Marty promises that he will but as we cut to later that night Marty sneaks out of the house and rides off. Marty stops at a bridge near the woods and starts lighting his fireworks. However, unaware to Marty he is being stalked by the werewolf lurking nearby. As Marty is about to light up the last firework (a rocket) but gets terrified as he sees the werewolf slowly approaches. Marty nervously tries to light up the rocket as the werewolf gets closer. Before it attacks Marty’s got the rocket lit, points it right at the werewolf and lets it go; flying right into the werewolf’s eye. Now if Jacob Black got hit in the eye by a rocket (firework) I would find really hilarious. As the werewolf is roaring in pain Marty use this opportunity to quickly turn his wheelchair and drives away; speeding all the way home. Marty makes it back home and calls Red, telling him that he saw a werewolf but Red doesn’t believe him and hangs up.


Cut to the following morning where Jane spots Marty sitting all by himself. She asked him what’s the matter and with that we get a narration from an older Jane saying what Marty told her was unbelievable yet somehow she believed it. We cut to Jane going around town collecting cans and bottles for a charity drive but secretly she’s looking anyone with just one eye. Since that the rocket hit the werewolf in the eye it’s possible that whoever it may have one eye in human form. With no such luck Jane takes the cans and bottles to the church; she is greeted by Reverend Lowe but hasn’t even notice something different about him. As in he has one bandaged eye BUM BUM BUUUUUUM! Jane starts unloading the cans and bottles in the garage until she’s startled by a rat and falls back into a pile of cans. She then comes across the bartender’s (Peace Marker) baseball bat as Lowe enters the garage. Jane gets spooked by the site of Lowe having one eye and nervously walks out of there. Back at their house Jane is still spooked of what she knows and asked Marty what they gonna do. Cut to Marty making a letter using cut out words and letters saying that he knows of Lowe being a werewolf and he should kill himself. Jane sends off the letter to Reverend Lowe via postal mail box and of course Lowe receives the letter but immediately discards it after reading it. OK this is kinda pointless because it’s obvious that Lowe has a clear idea of who Marty is, what he looks like and where exactly he lives. So what’s the point of Marty sending anonymous letters to Lowe? Does he really think that rocket to the eye gave Revered werewolf amnesia? What’s to stop Lowe from going after Marty in broad daylight and try to kill him? And surprisingly he does but I’m jumping ahead a bit. Anyway cut to Red rather upset of what Marty and Jane have been up to at this point and completely disbeliefs that Lowe is a werewolf.


After Marty, Jane and Red spied on Lowe which nothing happens cut to Marty watching a kids’ baseball game feeling rather envious of the kids being able to walk and run. Meanwhile Marty is being watched by Lowe in a car from afar; as Marty leaves Lowe shortly follows him. On the road Lowe begins to speed towards Marty and tries to run him over. Marty’s wheelchair stalls out but starts up and moves out of the way in time before Lowe runs him over again. Marty speeds away but and Lowe soon pursues him; a small chase scene Marty makes a sharp turn which causes Lowe’s car getting stuck in the dirt. Marty ends up at a close down condemned covered bridge but his wheelchair is out of gas. Lowe catches up with him and enters the bridge; he monologues to Marty that he can’t kill himself given that suicide is a sin. Lowe then monologues on when he found out that Stella (the pregnant woman from the beginning) was gonna kill herself. So he decided to “take her physical life but saved her life eternally.” Basically Reverend Lowe has adapted Christianity to his werewolf ways to justify the killings he has done. I mean yeah he’s adapting Christian beliefs perversely but in a way you can understand where he’s coming from that the things he does are considered to be acceptable to god. Anyway Lowe is about to kill Marty but hears a tractor outside and Marty yells at the man on the tractor for help. The man approaches the bridge as Marty turns around to Lowe already gone. Later Marty tells Red of what happened this time he’s more compliant to believe him. Red inspects the dent on Marty’s wheelchair asking Jane what color is Lowe’s car; she says it’s blue and spots a scrapping on the dent. Cut to nighttime at the police station where Red tells Sheriff Haller about Lowe; including the part about him being a werewolf. And no surprise Haller is rather skeptical but agrees to check on Lowe. A little bit later Haller is outside the church as he gets no answer at the front door. Haller goes around the back and enters the garage where he finds the dented car and is confronted by Lowe. Haller draws his gun on Lowe asking him to come to the station but Lowe disarms him and transforms. Haller stands in shock as Lowe beats him in the head with the bartender’s bat. Lowe continues transforming then proceeds to HULK SMASH Sheriff Haller to death.


Cut to next day at a park with no other option left Marty gives Red his medallion and ask him to turn it into a silver bullet. Jane gives Red her crucifix and asked him to do the same. Marty is convinced that Reverend Lowe will come after him when the moon is at its fullest; when Lowe is fully a monster. Red stops by at a local gun store asking the gunsmith to forge a silver bullet for his nephew. The gunsmith complies and makes the bullet; the gunsmith made the bullet low grain so it won’t tumble but should be pretty accurate. Red plays dumb saying that he’s not gonna shoot it, it’s just a gag. Then he response with a question “what the heck are you gonna shoot a forty-four bullet at anyway?” But the gunsmith doesn’t seem to be a fool as he replies, "How about a werewolf?" Cut to Halloween with a full moon about to come out; luckily Marty and Jane’s parents left the house due to Red giving them tickets for a trip to New York. This leaves Red, Marty and Jane alone at the house to face werewolf Lowe. We cut to nighttime around ten minutes to 3AM as werewolf Lowe is right outside the house. Meanwhile the kids are awaken by Red unintentionally burned himself with a lit cigarette. Red has had enough of this saying that the werewolf isn’t and they should be in bed. Red is about to take Marty off to bed but Jane sees werewolf Lowe out the window and screams. Red slowly goes to the window to look outside but sees nothing and for some reason takes the silver bullet out of the gun. Werewolf Lowe breaks the fuse box, shutting off the lights in the house and everyone panics. Red and the kids hear noises from the kitchen until werewolf Lowe does he best Kool-Aid Man’s OH YEEEEEEAH by bursting through a wall behind Red. Red tries to reload the gun but werewolf Lowe knocks the gun out of Red’s hands. Marty tries to catch the bullet but misses and the bullet falls into an air vent on the floor. Red tries to fend off werewolf Lowe but keeps being thrown around the room. Jane gets the gun while Marty managed to get the silver bullet out of the air vent. Marty quickly loads the gun as werewolf Lowe turns around and coming towards the kids. Marty aims carefully and fires the gun hitting werewolf Lowe in the other eye. Werewolf Lowe is now dead as he transforms back to human form while Red and the kids all watch. Red and the kids are all relieved and with that the film ends.


My Final Verdict: This film was pretty scary back then and I think it still holds up today. I love it how the film doesn’t show much of the werewolf which makes it scarier. Kinda like how the shark in the Jaws was not all that seen made it more terrifying. Hell most of the scenes where werewolf Lowe is stalking people have that Jaws vibe; even the music has that Jaws vibe. The werewolf transformation effects are rather impressive for its time unlike the transformation in Twilight where it’s all CGI and no subtlety. I’ve seen better wolf transformations from Hemlock Grove. And if I have to give my opinion Hemlock Grove is Twilight with balls and a spine.


That’s two down, stay tuned next week for round three with Daybreakers.

TFV Anti-Twilight Month Review: Innocent Blood

Hey everyone that time has come once again, this year in celebration of the inevitable end of Twilight we look into five vampire/werewolf films that tells the series to go eat a dick. First up in Anti-Twilight Month is Innocent Blood.


After a very musical opening credit, we cut to an apartment in Pittsburgh where we’re introduced to Marie (played by Anne Parillaud) who is naked. Wow this film doesn’t waste any time at all, huh? Marie self-monologues on that she has become very selective on her choice for “food” which left her starving for six nights. And that choosiness causes her the loss of her lover; which unfortunately for her means no sex. She’s then gets an idea while reading the newspapers on gangland crimes in Pittsburgh; saying that she should treat herself for some “Italian”. Only a few seconds in and we get a little backstory on Marie that doesn’t make her sound like a whining, brooding Emo. Cut to a small diner where Joe Gennaro (played by Anthony Lapaglia) and Tony Silva (played by Chazz Palminteri) escorting a dealer to their mob boss Salvatore “Sal” “The Shark” Macelli (played by Robert Loggia). Macelli is not too happy with the merchandise he’s offered (toaster ovens) so he slams the guy in the face with the toaster oven. Joe tries to calm him down notifying him that they may be watched by the cops. Macelli orders Joe to shoot the dealer but he refuses; so Macelli shoot the dealer instead. Afterwards Joe and Tony are talking outside the diner; Tony tells Joe that he has no choice but to kill as he hands him a gun. Joe takes the gun and spots an unmarked van; deduces that it’s a police surveillance van and bust opens the window. Tony pulls him away from the van and tells Joe to go home and cool off as tony walks away. A little later Joe bumps into Marie; causing one of her shoes to fall off. Joe helps her put the shoe back on and gets mesmerized as he looks upon Marie. He offers her a ride and possibly a drink; Marie is taken interested in Joe but backs away as she reminds herself to “never play with the food”. Marie walks away into traffic as she almost got run over by Tony; she gets rather upset and slams the hood of the car. Tony doesn’t that too kindly gets really mad at her. This has her very interested in him and attempts to apologize; Tony accepts Marie’s apology and offers a lift to anywhere.


The two are driving over a highway and stop at a lot; they start making out in the front seat of the car. Marie gets a little frisky on Tony; so frisky that her eyes glow bright red, gives out an animalistic roar and starts munching on his neck. I like how in this bit Marie looks in the rear view mirror and feels disgusted seeing herself covered in blood and proceeds to smash the mirror. This gives the film an excellent excuse why these vampires can see their reflection in a mirror. After she cleans herself up, Marie then proceeds to “finish the food” by eliminating the feed marks disconnecting the central nervous system. In other words Marie takes a shotgun out of her shopping bag and blows Tony’s head off. A bit overkill but kinda awesome. The next day Joe arrives at the crime scene, completely distraught seeing the dead body of his friend Tony. Joe is informed form a coroner that Tony’s blood is completely gone and not just from the gunshot to the head. Soon after U.S. Attorney Sinclair (played by Angela Bassett) arrives and is not too please with Joe at the scene especially when it turns out that he’s an undercover cop who’s been infiltrating Macelli’s organization for three years. Sinclair is certain that Joe’s in too deep and orders him to back out and go under protection. Joe refuses to do so and is confident that he’s close to busting Macelli but Sinclair decides to blow his cover by having pictures taking by the press. So is the U.S. Attorney stupid or incredibly stupid? Cut to nighttime as Macelli is super pissed to find out Joe to be a cop and wants him dead. His attorney Manny Bergman (played by Don Rickles) warns him that Sinclair may take him down in court and make arrangements. Macelli spots Marie taking to his underling Lenny (played by David Proval) was about to offer her a ride. Marie is rather annoyed by Macelli’s presence and insults him. Macelli is a bit mad about it but he gives her a ride anyway and she gets in the car. And while we’re still on this scene we get a nice Tom Savini (as a news reporter) cameo.


Macelli invites Marie to his place for a late night supper (hint, hint, wink, wink) and she accepts. At his place the two are about to share some kind of cooked fish but Marie gets rather nauseous. Mainly because the food is seasoned with garlic, uh oh. Marie runs straight to the bathroom trying to get away by the window but it has bars on it. Macelli enters the bathroom trying to have his way with Marie as she struggles to get away due to him smelling like garlic. He gets more aggressive to her as she continues to be resilient; she finally gives in to him only to get a quick bite on the neck. Marie has a good hold on Macelli as falls backwards into the bathtub; he goes for his gun, fires a shot to the ceiling and another shot to Marie as he “dies”. Lenny heard the first shot and enters the house; he gets to the bathroom only to find Macelli “dead” and Marie gone. Cut to a safe house where Joe is being watched over by Dave Finton (played by Leo Burnmester) and Stevie Morales (played by Luis Guzman). Finton gets a call and then informs Joe that Macelli is dead; assuming that it must been a gangland hit. Cut to Joe at the crime scene trying talk to the coroner but he’s being uncooperative. Joe deduced that the perp was a woman but the coroner still not talking. Joe takes a look around the area and comes to the conclusion that she climbed to the roof; so heads on up. On the roof he finds a blood trail and a shoe near a chimney. Joe gets a jump scare as Marie pops from behind the chimney, roars at him and runs off the roof. Joe heads back down to the street and stops at a church; he enters the church searching the place cautiously. The film cuts to a POV of Marie…running…flying…whichever; anyway she speeds out the door and Joe soon follows. Marie climbs up a building and breaks into a shower room. Joe finds a leashed dog barking at the direction Marie’s heading and unleashes the dog to follow it. Meanwhile since she’s in a shower room, Marie decides to take a nice warm shower. Who can blame her she had a really rough night. The dog stops at the same building she has broken into and climbs up into the shower room. Joe heads outside and stops in front of thrift shop which the front door is broken open. Joe cautiously enters the shop but little does he know Marie is handing from the ceiling like she’s Sam Fisher. She then drops from the ceiling speeds out the door before Joe even turns around to react. He runs out the door to find no one but only get surprised from behind and thrown into the street by Marie. She then threatens him to stay away as her eyes her bright green and her voice sounding a bit demonic; then she leaves.

Cut to a morgue where Macelli’s body is taken and is about to go under an autopsy by….FRANK OZ….FREAKING YODA! Impressive this movie is. Anyway he’s sets up power bone saw however, as soon as he turns around Macelli is alive. Macelli panics over the fact that he’s in a morgue and runs out of there while Yoda and a duty coroner go after him. Yeah I’m calling Frank Oz Yoda in this film deal with it. The press outside the hospital is trying to get info on Macelli’s death but the cops aren’t talking. That is until the press spots Macelli running out of the hospital as Yoda and duty coroner chase after him. Apparently the press aren’t bothered that Macelli was supposed to be dead. Macelli steals a car nearby and drives away. Back at Macelli’s place Joe is about to enter his car until Tom Savani tells him that a car crash at gas station on Shady Side. And the person driving the car was Macelli. Meanwhile Marie is lurking on a ledge of church like she’s freaking Batman watching over Joe. As Joe enters his car ready to leave, Marie jumps off the ledge and makes a hard landing on his car. In the confusion Marie throws Joe out of his car and gets in. She bust opens the windshield and is about to drive off but Joe tries to stop her. Marie speeds off as Joe grabs hold at the front of the car; she quickly stops the car then speed up again causing Joe being force into the car. Marie quickly stops the car again this time asking Joe how to get to Shady Side. Cut to Bergman arriving at his place as his wife is waiting outside looking rather terrified. Bergman enters the house and finds Macelli raiding the bar; Bergman tries to him down but Macelli is still freaking out on what happened to him. Believing that rival mobs put a hit on him or that the feds are in on it as well; leaving him at a morgue to be cut open. Macelli finally calms down as he smells something that’s making him really hungry. He enters the kitchen to find Bergman’s wife about to cook some raw steaks; since the steaks are raw and bloody Macelli starts chowing on the steaks.

Later on a highway Joe attempts to verbally interrogate Marie but she’s distracted by the head lights from other cars that are hurting her eyes. She then stops the car and asked Joe to drive instead; the two switch seats and continue driving. Joe and Marie arrived at the car crash site trying to find out where Macelli is. Joe is arrested by Morales and Finton as he tries to tell them that Marie’s the one who killed Tony and took out Macelli; and that she’s very strong and fast. But sadly they don’t believe Joe because they think he’s being obsessed on catching Macelli so they still arrest him. As Joe watches Marie completely denying to Morales and Finton, he gets on their radio asking for Bergman’s address. Marie sees Joe getting out of the car and heads off to Bergman’s; she excuses herself from Morales and Finton and follows Joe. Back at Bergman’s place Macelli is still feeding on raw meat while his men and Bergman are pretty spooked of him being alive. Macelli begins to sense that Joe is near the house outside and busts out through the kitchen window. Cut to Bergman’s wife in the bathroom drinking as Joe quietly approaches the house and stops by the bathroom window. Joe get spotted by Bergman’s wife and soon after turns around and gets choke hold by Macelli. Bergman tries to stop him from killing a cop on his own lawn but to no avail. He then grabs a shovel and hits Macelli at the back of the head which stops him. Bergman managed to get Macelli back into the house while his men handcuff the unconscious Joe. Down in the basement Macelli is not too happy of Bergman hitting him in the head. He then slowly approaches Bergman very creepily as Bergman backs away pleading to him. Macelli gives Bergman a hug before he bites him on the neck. In the kitchen Bergman’s wife hears him screaming as she sees Macelli’s men carrying Joe away. She arms herself with a kitchen knife and heads to the basement only to find Macelli covered in blood and Bergman “dead”. Macelli approachs Bergman’s wife about to bite her but she stabs him and runs away. Outside Marie is up in the trees like the Predator watching Macelli’s men putting Joe in a trunk of a car. She sees Bergman’s wife running out the front door screaming in panic; Macelli’s men sees a cop car approaching (Finton). Macelli walks outside, heads to his car and all drive off as Finton arrives. The wife tells Finton that Macelli ate Bergman; confused by what she said he gets out of the car and enters the house. Marie immediately gets into Finton’s car and follows Macelli.

Cut to Macelli and the others arriving at a garbage truck lot about to kill Joe. They have Joe’s feet in the garbage truck compactor about to crush his feet but luckily Marie arrives. She speeds the car towards them as they let go of Joe and open fire on her. Marie runs over Macelli who lost his gun which lands next to Joe. She then runs over one of his men leaving only Lenny who gets shot in the foot by Joe. Marie gets out of the car and snaps the other guy’s neck as Macelli runs to his car and drives away. Marie grabs a gun and opens fire on him but is already too far away. She gets back in to the car and goes after him while Joe tries to get in through the car window given that he’s still handcuffed. Cut to a car chase on a highway as Marie and Joe are right on Macelli however Marie sees the sunrise and drives off the highway. She stops at a motel in order to hide out from the sun. Joe is not too adamant on resting for one day since he still wants to hunt down Macelli. But Marie insures that they have a better chance of finding and stopping Macelli if they work together. Cut to Macelli rejoicing that he’s in the clear but as soon as leaves a tunnel and into the sunlight he starts getting rather toasty. Macelli drives to a nearby Roma Meat Company place and enters on in. Inside we see a meat worker played by HOLY SHIT ITS SAM RAIMI!!! Oh….sorry….anyway Sam Raimi sees Macelli entering the meat locker. He tries to offer Macelli help but he tells him to leave the meat locker and turn off the lights. Macelli sets up a small side of beef and takes a well deserve nap. Cut back to Bergman’s home where Finton informs Sinclair that Macelli attacked Bergman and taken Joe. Sinclair tells him and Morales to find Joe and he’s still alive. Sinclair then asked the barely alive Bergman will if he be pressing charges on Macelli. Bergman doesn’t answer and is put in the ambulance where a paramedic Dario Argento is taking care of him. Back at the motel after they checked in a room for today, Marie already has a blanket covering up the window to keep the sun from getting in. Marie entrusts Joe to make sure she gets no sun but he’s not too sure to trust her. She goes off to sleep (naked) in the bed while Joe sleeps on the couch.

Now I know what you thinking “what about Bergman, is Joe and Marie gonna take care of him”? Well don’t worry the film takes care of that problem. Cut to a hospital room where Bergman awakens and is about to feast a nurse until she opens the window curtains which lets in the sun and starts burning Bergman like a bag of popcorn. A couple of doctors hear the nurse screams and rush into the trying to restrain him. They managed to get him on the bed but he’s still burning into a crisp; his left arm falls off, his skin melting off and the scene cuts away as he continues screaming. Back at the motel Joe wakes up to see Marie still in bed. He quietly goes into the bathroom to check for any unnatural hickies and luckily finds none. A little bit later Joe starts to be intrigue to Marie; hovering his hand over her very slowly. He then proceeds to move the sheets to cover her but she soon wakes up and Joe backs away. He wants to go find Macelli now awhile he’s still sleeping. But Marie warns Joe that Macelli’s senses are now razor sharp; he can awake and move in a blink of an eye. She demonstrates this by ended up behind Joe in an instant and tosses him on the bed. A bit sexual tension ensues but Joe is being hesitant which is understandable given the current situation. Marie promises that she’s hungry for sex more than blood at the moment and gives Joe a box of condoms. Do I really need to say it……OK. Fuck you Twilight. So you can guess that in this film’s world Marie must’ve had unprotected sex and her human partners ended becoming vampires or ended up with vampire AIDS. Either way it makes more sense with a vampire-safe-sex than what Twilight Breaking Dawn was doing…..COUGH…..CGI HELLSPAWN BABY…..COUGH! Anyway Marie then proceeds to undo Joe’s pants and give him a blowjob; seriously Bella Swan wouldn’t have problems getting laid with her. Oh yeah I’m going there; Bella would’ve been better off with Marie than Edward. At least Marie doesn’t act like a brooding, whining dipshit with a sparkly cock. So yeah, Team Marie bitches. Anyway Joe is still rather worried of Marie so she gives him the handcuffs and has herself handcuffed. Quickly thereafter Joe and Marie are having hot passionate sex to the point that she breaks the cuffs and they continue having sex.

Later back at the meat place two more of Macelli’s men Frank (played by Tony Lip) and Ray (played by Kim Coates) show up while Lenny is waiting for them. Lenny is adamant that maybe someone else should take over given the weird situation surrounding Macelli. Lenny and the others enter the meat locker to find Macelli fully recuperated. He’s not too happy to hear what Lenny just said outside. Macelli ask Lenny to come closer and he nervously complies. Macelli talks him down before chowing down on Lenny’s neck. Back at the motel Joe and Marie are back in their clothes and heading out; both agreeing that once they find Macelli they kill him. Cut to a local strip lounge where Macelli and his men make shop at an upstairs office. Macelli makes a small speech of how this newly acquired life will makes thing better for the Macelli Family. Becoming untouchable to any crime family that gets in their way; taking over the city completely. However, for Frank and Ray this means they have to go through some “improvements”; Lenny jumps at Ray while Macelli munches on Frank. Joe and Marie stop at the diner but there’s no sign of Macelli; they then stop at a place called Bloomfield but no sign of him there either. Back at the strip lounge two more men of Macelli’s show up at the office only to be drafted into the undead mob. Later Morales and Finton show up at the strip lounge informed by undercover cops that Macelli is upstairs at the office. The two head upstairs to the office but only to find Frank and Ray just had their Italian snack as Macelli jumps out behind them. Joe and Marie arrive at the strip lounge but its close for the night. However, that’s not gonna stop Marie from yanking the front door open. As they enter the lounge they are stopped the lounge’s owner but Marie takes care of him by snatching his baseball bat from him and knocks him out.

Marie heads upstairs, sneaks up behind Ray, takes his gun and throws him down the stairs. Ray lands on Joe, has him pinned down but Joe pulls out his gun and puts a bullet in Ray before he had the chance to bite him. Marie enters the office seeing Morales tied to a chair and is about to be dinner by one of Macelli’s men. She’s about to shoot him but gets attacked from behind by other undead mob thug. Back downstairs Joe is out of bullets, takes the baseball bat and runs upstairs. Back at the office Marie is protecting Morales as she fending off the two undead thugs. She takes out one of them by snapping his neck; Joe tries to stop the second one with bat but it only just pisses him off. Marie takes care of him with a good neck snapping. Joe frees Morales to call for back up as Marie heads to roof. On the roof Marie takes Lenny and Frank but despite only firing two shots she’s out of bullets. Macelli goes up to Marie asking why she trying to kill him after giving this new lease on life. Marie rips a knob off the roof door and tries to stab him but struggles to do so. Macelli pulls out his gun and shoots her in the gut as Joe arrives to the roof and shoots Macelli. Mecelli makes his escape by jumping off the roof and lands into the street. However, he’s not entirely scot-free as he is hit by a taxi which slams him into a bus behind. Joe heads back downstairs but is stopped by undead Finton; Joe hesitates but quickly shoots him dead. Back in the street Macelli is rather pissed at the bus driver and slams the guy’s head on a window. Joe and Marie arrive at the street as Macelli is waiting for them. Joe sees the gas tanks of the bus and the taxi leaking so he lights up a zippo lighter and throws it on the gas leak. Both the bus and taxi explode but doesn’t kill Macelli as he walks out of the blaze looking a bit hotter around the collar. Joe finishes off Macelli with a shot to the head and Macelli crumbles to pieces. Joe spots Marie walking away as the sun is rising; he stops her from killing herself telling Marie that he loves her. The film ends with the two checking in to a nearby motel and Marie is rather rejoiced.

My Final Verdict: This film is a guilty pleasure to me so much; not saying its bad more of a happy, intentional accident. There’s some spark of humor in this film that were clearly unintentional yet somehow it works for the most part. And may I say that Robert Loggia was just absolutely amazing. Most films he starred in were mostly serious but here it’s like he’s having fun in this film. Not sure if it’s the writing or the performance but that’s what it looks like. And I gotta give credit to Paul Proval (undead Lenny) for having the most creepiest rape face ever and this was 15 years before James Nesbitt took that title in the show Jekyll. I'm really impressed with the film not using the term vampire through the whole thing given that it's really obvious of what's been going on in the film. It really feels like the film's not holding our hands from start to finish. At least when this film's director John Landis tries his take on vampire I don't constantly feel like calling on his bullshit. Unlike that one other person who best take on vampires is to have them sparkle in sunlight and randomly brooding at shit. Innocent Blood is known to me of having the second most beautiful French actress Anne Parillaud who has the sexiest thick French accent I’ve ever heard. Who’s the first most beautiful France actress you asked, Mathilda May (Lifeforce).

That’s Twilight 0, better vampire/werewolf films 1, so stay tuned next week for round two as we look into Stephen King’s Silver Bullet.

The Film Vindicator Review: Better Off Dead

Before we start I wanna make a disclaimer; firstly just like in my Once Bitten review I will NOT make references nor make points about the “Friend Zone”. Because I find it as an extremely personal bias and unfair to judge any FICTIONAL character with a term that has ZERO real world use nor practice. Secondly I will NOT make any “Nice Guy/Girl” reference because it does not define who or what a FICTIONAL character is. And finally I will NOT make references to the Santa Barbara shooting nor compare FICTIONAL characters to Elliot Rodger. So consider this as an official rule of the Film Vindicator when comes to romantic films or any film with romantic sub-plots. OK, now let’s get started.

We open on Lane Myer (played by John Cusack) waking up for the Greendale High School ski racing try-outs at his school. And notice how his bedroom walls have a shit ton of pictures of his girlfriend Beth Truss (played by Amanda Wyss). Well this film was made back in 1985; this was about as close as to having Facebook and Tumblr. Anyway cut to Lane’s dad Al (played by David Ogden Stiers) who senses a great disturbance in the force in the form a devious paperboy. Apparently the paperboy has been throwing papers at Al’s garage door windows; Al makes a mad dash to the outside trying to get the garage door. The door stalls out for a bit but eventually opens in time for the paper to miss the last unbroken window. However, when Al closes the garage door it slams shut breaking the window. Cue the sad trombone music. As Lane heads out to the try-outs, he is seen from across the street by Monique (played by Diane Franklin) who is a foreign exchange student from France. She’s staying over at Lane’s neighbors Mrs. Smith (played by Laura Waterbury) and her son Ricky Smith (played by Daniel Schneider). Mrs. Smith has Monique staying over in the hopes that her and Ricky may hit it off; someone should tell her that having a foreign exchange student is not the same as having a mail order bride. On the way to the try-outs Lane is being challenged to a drag race by two Japanese brothers; one speaks no English and other learns English by watching Howard Cosell from Wide World of Sports. Apparently this is recurring thing and that Lane always loses.


Later at a ski park we’re introduce to the ski team’s captain Roy Stalin (played by Aaron Dozier); apparently he’s some hot shot for being the only to ski from the infamous K 12 slope. And according to my imaginary tricorder here…..yeah just as I thought a douchebag. Lane makes his run from a normal slope but didn’t quite make it at the qualified time of 58 seconds. After the try-outs are over, Lane is driving home as we hear a voiceover of Beth dumping him for Stalin. Saying that she wants to go out with a guy whose popular, good looking and has a nice car; translation Beth is a stuck up bitch. And of course she’s impressed of how Stalin skis from the K-12 which is all the more reason she wants to be with him. OK if she saw an Olympic skier doing the exact thing she would immediately suck that skier’s dick within a nano-second and Stalin would’ve rendered irrelevant. That would be pretty much how shallow her standards are. Anyway Lane makes it home and decides commit suicide by hanging himself in the garage; OK dude this bitch isn’t worth killing yourself quite literally. And besides do you really want me to make Bella Swan jokes on you? Thankfully he immediately changed mind but his mom Jenny (played by Kim Darby) enters the garage; causing him to slip and handing himself. Don’t worry he’s OK, he lives; otherwise this would be a really short review.


Later at dinner Lane’s dad wanted to about a particular 1967 Camaro that he brought to impress Beth but it’s been sitting in the driveway ever since. Lane says that he’ll get around then he excuses himself from the dinner table. In his bedroom Lane gets a flashback as he falls asleep; the flashback is when he and Beth first met at a park and immediately hook up. The next day Lane is still sulking over Beth of why she just straight up dump him. Lane goes to answer a knock on the door only find a rather scary paperboy asking for two dollars for his services. Apparently it’s the same paperboy from the start of the film; Lane gets spooked by the paperboy and calmly closes the front door. At school Lane is in a math class where everyone is oddly enthusiastic about that subject. They must be snorting some really good shit if they’re this excited about math. Lane is asked by the teacher to approach the black board to work on an assignment; being distracted by Beth who’s also at the black board he gets another flashback. In this flashback Lane and Beth are about to have sex in his car, but the condom broke. Beth freaks about it as the flashback ends; the math class ends and Lane is approached by his friend Charles De Mar (played by Curtis Armstrong). He offers to help Lane to win Beth back; one of which is to help him ski the K-12. Though I think it’s futile given that she’s a complete WHORE! OK that’s a bit too strong I take it back; she’s more of an ungrateful shallow standard bitch….yeah that’s better.


Cut to the school cafeteria where Lane is having a conversion with a drawing he made. You heard what I said; though it’s not as weird as Charles snorting Jello. Anyway Lane tries to convince the drawing that any girl would fall in love for him. And to prove so he hits on a cheerleader who’s dating the entire high school basketball team; I’m just gonna say that this team is that pussy whipped and leave at that. And their coach must be the Incredible Hulk because they sure do a lot of grunting; maybe he’s giving them some gamma steroids. The cheerleader ignores him but Lane keeps trying only to slip and fall ripping off her cheerleader outfit in the process. This pisses off the basketball team and go TEAM SMASH on Lane. Later we cut to Lane at a bridge about to jump but Charles comes by and cheers him. Charles pats him on the shoulder which cost Lane to lose his footing and fall off; but only to safely land into a garbage truck. Cut to the K-12 Lane is about to make the run while Charles is snorting snow…just go with it. Charles gives him a rather blunt advice to go down really fast, if something gets in his way turn. However this advice didn’t so well as Lane starts tumbling down down down down down down; I don’t think that’s what Charles mean by turn dude. Cut to Christmas day where Al fixes the garage windows and Lane attempts to win back Beth via phone call with a teddy bear present for her. However, Beth tells Lane that she’s got a teddy bear as big as her from Stalin; he must be really compensating for something isn’t he. Lane gets angry and tries to kill himself again by locking himself in his car in the garage and suffocate himself with car exhaust. Outside of the garage Al shows Jenny the new windows only to come out in time to see Lane crash through the garage door after passes out and accidently puts the car in reverse.


On New Year’s Eve Al attempts to get Lane go out to the New Year’s Eve school dance and socially interact with other girls, he has already set up a date for Lane. Lane eventually agrees and go meet up with his date, but sense his date is never seen again I’m not gonna mention the character’s name nor the actress who plays her. At the dance we get a nice musical number from Elizabeth Daily or E. G. Daily (better known as the voice of Buttercup from the Powerpuff Girls). Lane and Charles are enjoying their social solitude until Stalin comes by waving his douchebag badge as usual. Ricky and Monique are dancing…for a split second that is then Ricky moves Monique aside and attempts to a solo breakdance. Lane gets upset seeing Beth and Stalin dancing so he leaves the dance. Ricky was attempting to do some kinda breakdance move but fails as he just flops to the floor. This gives Monique the chance to get away from Ricky and frankly I don’t blame her; given that Ricky is like if Chris-Chan was around in the 80s. That was a really scary thought and I apologize. Monique leaves the dance and literally runs into Lane so he falls to the ground. Lane recognizes Monique and starts talking to her despite she speaks French. Ricky heads out of the school and finds Monique with Lane; notifying in a pussy whipped manner her that his mom will be waiting at the entrance of the school. Monique and Ricky leave for home and starts walking back to his car until he spots the paperboy who is stalking him. And apparently he’s not alone as more paperboys appeared that like Batman asking for their two dollars. Lane makes it to the car and hauls ass out of there all the way home.



The next day Lane gets ready for his first day at a Pig Burgers restaurant; there his boss shows him the route of patting meat into the pig molds. Lane starts working as the boss leaves but gets immediately bored and starts having a daydream. In the daydream it’s almost out of Frankenstein with Lane in a doctor’s apron and places a mystery burger under a cloth on to an apparatus. The apparatus is raise to the roof and is stuck by lightning; Lane lowers the apparatus and takes the mystery burger to the counter. He removes the cloth to reveal a Claymation burger character then the scene breaks into a Claymation music video of the song of “Everybody Want Some”. The daydream ends when Lane’s boss returns and gets piss to see to the burgers being burnt. Lane is thrown out of the back-kitchen only to end up lying on the ground right next to Beth and Stalin. Back at the K-12 Lane tries again to ski this untamed slope only to fail again. Lane returns home in complete distraught and attempts to kill himself again. He takes his bed blanket and makes a toga out of it; he goes to the garage to find anything to set himself on fire. He finds a jar of primer and goes off to find some matches but is pulled away by his mother to join his parents, Monique, Ricky, and Mrs. Smith for dinner. Mrs. Smith is bragging of how Ricky and Monique are so in for each other but we all know that’s bullshit. Lane starts washing the primer on himself and apparently his parents don’t take notice of this. Mrs. Smith mistakenly takes the primer, pours it in her cup and takes a drink. Lane notices that the jar is empty and realize that Mrs. Smith drank it; she’s about to light a cigarette as Lane tries to stop her. But as soon as she flicks on the lighter KABOOM; a small explosion is seen coming out from the window. Apparently it wasn’t a lethal explosion because in the next scene Lane tells Ricky that she’ll be fine. Bullshit she’ll be fine; the woman drank nearly the whole jar of primer her insides should be looking like burnt bacon.


Lane, Monique and Ricky driving to the school until Lane is being challenged into another drag race. Monique slams on the gas pedal and race is on; it was a close race until Lane spots a group of nuns. Lane swerves off the road, runs through a construction site and lands into a large pothole. Apparently landing in water filled pothole is no big deal because in the next scene they arrived at the school. Lane, Monique and Ricky are in the cafeteria when Stalin shows up informing Lane about an opening for a ski team captain. And the only way to get that position is to beat Stalin. He then proceeds to hit on Monique apparently while Beth is not around. Wow a douchebag and a slut; why does Beth love this guy again? Thankfully Monique is not having any of this shit as she shakes up a soda can and opens it in front of Stalin spraying soda on him. Stalin gets piss and insults her which gets Lane angry and stands up to Stalin; he then challenges him to a ski race from the K-12 and Stalin accepts. Cut to Lane heading to a ski shop to replace one of his skis he broke from the second run of the K-12. On the way back home Lane gets an unexpected hitchhiker; another paperboy jumps on the top of the car and demands for his two dollars. Lane speeds up trying to shake the kid off; he eventually drives to a car wash and enters on in. Apparently must’ve done the trick; so a car wash keeps the crazy paperboys away…. Anyway cut to Monique throwing lemons at a street sign as Lane pulls up to the driveway. He tries to talk to her but she doesn’t answer; as he leaves she starts talking and in English surprisingly. Apparently she understood what everyone was saying this whole time but chooses to not say a word; ESPECIALLY to Mrs. Smith and Ricky. Pretty much piss off that she’s stuck with an unleashed sex fiend as she describes him. The two keep talking until Mrs. Smith calls her to come back in the house but not before Monique give Lane a kiss and says “you are my friend”.


The next day Monique is working Lane’s Camaro until he shows up wondering what she’s doing. He’s surprised that she managed to get it finally running; through not fully fix up Monique ask Lane to help repair the Camaro. Lane gets hesitate but agrees to help which we cut to you guessed it a MONTAGE! Afterwards Monique asks why Lane would have these thoughts of killing himself but never do it. He explains about his falling out with Beth; thinking that he wouldn’t live without her. As soon as he mentions Stalin Lane just realized that he has a race against him tomorrow and panics. Monique convinces him to gain a small level of success to get some confidence. To start getting payback on the drag-race brothers with his fully repaired Camaro. Before the brothers can get ready, Lane floors it as the lights turn green; leaving the brothers in his dust. Cut to nighttime at Pig Burgers where Lane and Monique are celebrating with TV dinners. So Lane wasn’t fired from this place then? Cut to next day at the K-12, Monique gives Lane some last minute advice which is surprisingly go down really fast, if something gets in his way turn. Yeah you can guess how that’s gonna be helpful. Also to point out that apparently Monique can ski the K-12 which begs the question what makes Stalin so awesome if anyone can ski the K-12? Anyway all I can say is that Monique should be lucky that Beth didn’t see her ski. Otherwise Beth would’ve immediately tried to get into Monique’s pants. So after another fail attempt of the K-12 we cut to a skiing montage this time. Afterwards Lane and Monique are approached by Charles informing Lane that everyone in the state of northern California have come to see this race and then leaves. Lane and Monique share a kiss as she heads off to watch the race. Lane is about to head off but has a little problem; one of his skis has a broken ski binding. Apparently Charles broke it when he unknowingly skied on it. Lane tries to fix it but gets an unexpected company; another crazy paperboy shows up and skis after him on his bike. Lane hauls ass to the K-12 on his one ski with the paperboy chasing him.


At the K-12 Stalin is about to claim himself the winner but luckily Lane shows up just in time. As the race starts Lane stumbles a bit but recovers quickly and continues on down despite with just one ski. OK I’m not if this is possible in real life but I will say that if you can ski on one ski that’s just showing off. Anyway as Lane and Stalin race the down K-12 the crazy paperboy continues to pursuit Lane for his two dollars. Stalin sees the paperboy approaching towards him but swats him off the slope with his ski pole. It’s a very close race at the final straight away until Lane crosses the finish line, winning the race. Everyone is cheering for Lane and of course Beth goes back to him….FLIP FLOPPPPPPPPPPPER! But thankfully Lane ditches the bitch as he spots Monique being drag off by Mrs. Smith and Ricky. Lane stops them but Mrs. Smith doesn’t appreciate that and has Ricky to take care of him. Lane and Ricky engaged in a ski pole fight; Ricky has the advantage charges at Lane. But Lane turns the table as he moves to the side and throws Ricky right into his mother. Lane and Monique ran back to the car and drive off; cutting back to Ricky completely distraught until a dorky girl comes along and helps him off the snow. The two start have a connection and walk off together apparently leaving his mother behind. There’s hope for this kid, yet. The film ends with Lane and Monique kissing at Dodgers Stadium (as in Los Angeles) while another crazy paperboy is rushing right towards them. Cut to Al with the garage widows repaired….again, but sadly they get damaged….again as Lane’s little brother Badger (played by Scooter Stevens) as he flies off in a homemade space shuttle. Yeah Lane has a brother whose apparently scary smart such as making a working laser gun out of a toy laser gun. There’s a scene where he orders a package on how to build your own space shuttle from household items. Anyway film’s over.


My Final Verdict: Subtle satire is the word for this film, well written, subtle satire. The humor is above average at best though I wouldn’t say it’s bad. Some of the characters are worth getting use to but not too bad overall.


It’s still early August so it’s that time again to take a small recess to get ready for this year’s Halloween special entitled Anti-Twilight Month. Stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Once Bitten

OK round two, let’s do this.

We open on a mansion where we see a rather flamboyant manservant Sebastian (played by Cleavon Little) preparing a refreshing blood martini (shaking, not stirred) for the Countess (played by Lauren Hutton). However, she’s not very pleased that it isn’t virgin. Apparently to retain her youth she must drink the blood of a virgin three times before Halloween but given that it’s the 20th century finding a virgin is easier said than done. I really don’t see the problem she can just easily feed on children they’re usually virgins. Hell one of her vampire lackeys practically recommends as such but that’s too much of a high road for the Countess. You know if you need virgin blood to retain your youth you’re really in no position to be so picky. Cut to a drive-in where we’re introduced to Mark Kendall (played by Jim Carrey) and his girlfriend Robin Pierce (played by Karen Kopins). Mark wants to have sex but Robin doesn’t want to in an ice cream truck; I mean it’s not like she can just tell him to drive her home and fuck there. Also she wants it to be something special for them; remember that because there’s a scene at the end that makes what she said extremely pointless. Now before I move on let me be clear on one thing I WILL not be referencing nor make points about the “Friend Zone”. It’s a really stupid term that’s no more than shameful profiling that needs to go fuck off. So whatever goes on between Mark and Robin I’ll be looking at it from the unbiased perspective of a film critic not a social hipster fuckhead. Mark is disappointed and gets out of the ice cream truck in time to witness the magical moment of people fucking. I don’t know about him but I would be a bit uncomfortable seeing other people around me having sex.

Cut to next day Mark meets up with his friends Jamie (played by Thomas Ballatore) and Russ (played by Skip Lackey) at a burger stand. Mark suggests that maybe he should have sex with a stranger therefore he won’t get all this pressure with Robin. Russ recommends that the three of them should check out the bars in Hollywood for some action. Now you’re probably saying that Mark is being an unfaithful asshole by going behind Robin’s back like this. And you’re probably right, but in his defense it’s not like he’s dumping Robin for a bimbo to fuck 24/7. I mean he still loves her it’s just that sex can be a pain in the ass on peer pressure; especially when you’re in high school. Anyway cut to a driving in the city montage of the horny trio, while at the same time are being followed by the Countess’s lackeys. The three stop at the Phone-A-Date bar; later on their table gets a call from a woman at the bar asking for Mark to come over. Mark nervously complies and we find out that it’s the Countess. Russ and Jamie are having a conversation with two women until one of their husbands show up and is mistaken one of the boys as this Chester guy. Russ notices the husband carrying a gun and shouts in panic; the husband pulls out the gun but is stopped by a bouncer. I would make a Road House joke but sadly I got nothing…..DAMN IT! In the panic Mark and the Countess leave the bar before the cops show up; Countess insists Mark to come with her and he does. Russ and Jamie are left behind ending up getting arrested; hey guys try not to drop the soap now.

Countess and Mark arrived at her mansion; Mark makes himself at home while the Countess slips into something more comfortable. A little bit later the two are talking until Countess starts going down on him seductively. Biting the buttons off his shirt and (off screen) undoing his pants; she must have strong teeth if she can bite off shirt buttons. Mark gets incredibly nervous of what’s happening but that nervousness stops when he gives out a loud OW! Cut to Sebastian talking to the other vampires that they will have a new recruit, apparently after the Countess gets her fill of virgin blood that virgin becomes her undead wards. Cut back to Countess watching over the unconscious Mark, with his pants around his ankles. Could someone get the rape horn? Mark wakes up in confusion not remembering much of what happened; Countess simply lies and sends him on home stating that she’ll see him in his dreams. And yes that was foreshadowing. The following morning at school changes started to set in as Mark asked for an uncooked burger patty at the school cafeteria. Mark sits with Russ and Jamie and the two asked what went on with him and the Countess. But just like last night with the Countess, Mark doesn’t remember what happened. Unfortunately Robin is sitting right behind him hearing everything Mark said and leaves. Mark follows her trying to explain but only makes it worst with the lack of member of last night and all that. More changes are slowly happening to Mark as we cut to his bedroom as his father enters the room only to find him sleeping in a trunk. Dude you’re gonna get some serious back problems sleeping like that; yeah you’re becoming a vampire but still. His father tells him that his mother is getting worried seeing him looking rather pale. Mark keeps telling him that he’s fine; so his father simply tells him to get some goodnights sleep…..on the bed. Cut to Mark sleeping as he’s having a dream of himself and the Countess at a restaurant. The two kiss romantically; the dream ends with Mark feeling spooked when he sees blood bleeding out from the Countess’s mouth.

Back at school Mark approaches Robin trying his best to apologize for the other night. Eventually she gives him and all is given; even a small group of students are applauding to this touchy scene. Later Mark drops Russ and Jamie off at a local laundry mat for them to pick up potential dates and goofy antics ensures. Russ gets the attention of one woman but she turns out to be kind of a dominatrix; having him panicking and backing away from her. Jamie was talking to other woman only to get thrown in a dryer in the next scene. And time must past a lot faster in a dryer because when Russ pulls him out his clothes shrank a little. Mark meets up with Robin at a clothing store where she works. Mark goes into a changing room to try some black jeans while Robin goes off to find some shirts for him to try. But little does Mark know he’s getting a surprise visit from the Countess. Mark gets confused as he keeps looking back at the changing room mirror seeing no reflection of the Countess. Robin returns with some sweaters but Countess keeps throwing them back out. Mark keeps telling the Countess to leave him alone but she’s very persistent. Meanwhile Robin is standing outside the changing room listening on Mark; apparently she believes Mark is telling her to leave him alone and she just walks away. Robin must have bad hearing because how can she not see hear the Countess despite she’s talking on the same level as Mark. Anyway the Countess makes her move towards Mark successfully got her second transfusion. Robin hears Mark screaming in pain and quickly walks back to the changing room only to find him on the ground past out but he slowly recovers. Back at his home Mark is getting rather irritating of how bright it is in the kitchen as his mom is fixing breakfast. Mark is in a hurry so he mistakenly drinks a cup of blood drained from a pack of ground beef instead of his orange juice. And his parents just stand there and watch in confusion as Mark leaves the kitchen.

Later at his ice cream truck a couple of kids show up asking for ice cream. Mark go gets some ice cream but when turns towards the kids he gives out a scary vampire hiss face and the kids ran off in fright. Mark is confused of what happened goes into a nearby church for guidance. He goes into one of the confession booths however; he ends up confessing to a homeless drunk who just walked in the main booth. So the only yet funny advice he got from the drunk is this. “Get yourself a shovel, you’re in deep shit”. Back at his place Mark is dreaming of Robin while he is a vampire; the dream ends with him draining Robin dry killing her as the Countess laughs manically. The next night Mark and Robin are going to the Halloween dance at their school; people keep complimenting Mark’s vampire costume ever though he’s not wearing a costume. The two start dancing until SURPRISE the Countess cuts in and she and Mark are dancing. Robin just about had enough of her cuts in, practically cock-blocking the Countess. This breaks out into a rather impressive dance-off sequence with the song Hands Off playing which makes sense of what’s happening. And I gotta give credit to Jim Carrey’s comedic performance in this scene. Eventually Robin wins this little dance-off and the Countess gets pissed and leaves. Mark is announced as winner of the costume contest but he gets upset and leaves when they mistake him that he’s wearing a vampire costume. Robin catches up to him in the school hallway trying to calm him down; the two are hugging but Mark looks at a mirror and sees his reflection disappearing. Mark panics and points Robin to the mirror but she sees his reflection. Mark starts to believe that the Countess is a vampire and she’s turning him into one. Robin doesn’t quite believe that but stands in shock as she looks back to the mirror and sees Mark’s reflection gone.

The next day Robin is at a bookstore looking up any information on vampires, specifically female vampires. She finds out that most female vampires need to drink the blood of a virgin in order to maintain their youth and beauty. She also learns how to know if the virgin was bitten by looking for two bite marks on their inner thigh right near their um…….happy place. Later Robin approached Russ and Jamie to have them search Mark’s inner thighs for two little sores. Russ and Jamie are rather unease by this request but they comply; and more goofy antics ensures. Cut to the boys’ locker room Russ and Jamie are with Mark trying to find the sores and of course they’re not being so subtle. They follow Mark to the showers to try again; Russ drops the soap to duck down and look up Mark’s legs. Now what did I just said about not dropping the soap? Russ grabs Mark from behind allowing Jamie to grabs one of Mark’s legs. This doesn’t go so well as the other boys see what’s going on and scream in a homophobic panic as they run away. Now I personal don’t condone homophobia; though I do find it hilarious. Later at the burger stand Russ and Jamie are a bit demoralized of what happened earlier; Robin is walking to the burger stand but is approached by Sebastian. Mark shows at the stand asking what was with the prison rape scene as Jamie describes it. Mark then sees Robin talking to Sebastian then entering the limo; Mark runs after them but Sebastian already drives off. Mark and the others head off to the Countess’s mansion to save Robin. They sneak into a window to the basement; Robin is bound and gagged to a chair as Mark and the others free her. All four of them are almost scott free but are cornered by the Countess’s lackeys.

The Countess holds a ceremony the “Holy Third”; basically strap Mark to a BDSM chair and takes her third transfusion. Could she just have her lackeys hold him and take a quick bite? Why the subtle dramatics all of a sudden? And she sure is taken her sweet time for this one last bite. Anyway Robin and the others stop her and free Mark. He and Robin make a run for it while Russ and Jamie hold off the vampires for the moment. The film breaks into a chase sequence of the vampires going after Mark and Robin. We cut back to Russ and Jamie sweet talking the two female vampires that stayed behind. Wow even in a life and death situation these guys are still trying to score. I don’t know if I find that impressive or sad, maybe both. Anyway somehow the female vamps take interest in Russ and Jamie that they strip naked in front of them. Now these guys should be lucky that one of these vamps isn’t Mathilda May, just saying. And also, HEY TWILIGHT FUCK YOUR FORBIDDEN LOVE BULLSHIT! Mark and Robin ended up at the vampires’ sleeping quarters and barricade the doors. Countess and the other vampires break into the sleeping quarters only to find one around. But are taken notices of one of the coffins getting rather bumpy; one of the vamps opens the coffin to find Mark and Robin finally having sex. Hey now you know the rules, if it’s rocking don’t come a knocking. So with Mark no longer a virgin and Halloween has come at the stroke of midnight. The Countess starts to age into an old woman not knowing if she’ll ever find other virgin. The film ends with Mark (now back to normal) and Robin going back to their coffin sex; no offense but you’re gonna get some serious leg cramps.

My Final Verdict: This film has some decent humor, kind of dumb but harmless type of humor. There are even a couple scenes with Sebastian that results gay humor that aren’t insulting or extremely stereotyped. The performance of Jim Carrey is most impressive even when put in a situation about vampires he plays it off straight at times and comedic when necessary. At least his performance is not as off-putting as Nick Cage in Vampire’s Kiss. Let’s just say that Nick Cage and horror just don’t mix all that well. COUGH….THE WICKER MAN……COUGH! And let’s go ahead chalk up another film that has established consistent rules about vampires better than Twilight. And this film is a comedy for crying out loud.

I think I’m done with horror comedy for now so let’s look at some regular 80s comedy. Next time it’s Better Off Dead, stay tuned.

The Cast House: WildC.A.T.s

I've never read much of the WildC.A.T.s comic, my only knowledge is from the 90s cartoon series. So just gonna go with that and see who portrays whom.

The Film Vindicator Review: My Best Friend is a Vampire

You know what’s embarrassing yet surprisingly impressive than a vampire comedy film? A vampire comedy film that makes far better sense than Twilight.

We open in a dream of Jeremy Capello (played by pre-House Robert Sean Leonard) as he narrates. Jeremy has his eyes on a Darla Blake (played by Cheryl Pollak) as he receives a letter from her saying “FOLLOW ME”, Jeremy complies. Now is it me or does Darla looks a hell of a bit like Janine Melnitz from Ghostbuster? The dream continues with Jeremy magically ends up in the girls locker room and joins Darla in the shower; the two start making out until Darla changes into another woman. The dream ends with all of the girls in the locker room grabbing Jeremy out of the shower and are about to chop his dick off with large garden scissors. Luckily Jeremy wakes up before that happens; a little bit later Jeremy heads downstairs for breakfast until his friend Ralph (played by Evan Mirand) arrives. As the two head off for school Ralph is confused of why Jeremy is having the same dream about Darla when he has an eye for a cheerleader name Candy (played by LeeAnne Locken). At the school Jeremy is in the same class with Darla; Jeremy continually stares at her until he gets a letter from her. This time the letter says to Jeremy to “STOP STARING CREEP”. Soon after school Jeremy stops at grocery store to makes deliveries in the neighborhood. Jeremy makes his first stop at an old mansion; he knocks on the door but a voice invites him to come in. Inside he leaves the groceries in the kitchen only to get scratch on his finger by a black cat. A woman Nora (played by Cecilia Peck) enters the kitchen and to Jeremy’s surprise it’s the other woman from his dream. Nora apologizes for the cat scratching him and proceeds to suck the blood off his finger. Feeling rather confused and nervous Jeremy makes his leave, but not before Nora asked him to come back tonight at midnight.

Later at a restaurant Ralph is appalled that Jeremy didn’t take advantage of the situation and that he should go back tonight. Jeremy is hesitant but gets a nice motivation from a group of girls at the next table shouting “DO IT NERD”! Cut back to later that night at the mansion, Jeremy enters the mansion while Ralph stays in the car. Meanwhile, unknown to Jeremy and Ralph they’re being watched by a Professor Leopold McCarthy (played by David Warner) and his feeble assistant Grimsdyke (played by Paul Willson). Grimsdyke suggest that they should warn Jeremy but McCarthy thinks that he may be “one of them”. Jeremy makes it to Nora’s bedroom as she’s been waiting for him; Nora ask him to look upon her as she strips to her bra and panties. Well she’s rather forward isn’t she; wish I could meet a woman like that. I wouldn’t care if she is a vampire I still go for it. Oh spoiler Nora’s a vampire; back outside Ralph ducks down as McCarthy and Grimsdyke arrive and break into the mansion. Meanwhile, Jeremy and Nora are in bed making out until she starts biting him on the neck. McCarthy and Grimsdyke enters the bedroom stopping Nora as Jeremy freaks out and runs out of there….naked. McCarthy sends Grimsdyke after Jeremy but literally falls on his ass down the stairs. Jeremy makes it back to the car and the two quickly drive off. However, Grimsdyke gets a good at the Milton High School bumper sticker as we hear Nora screaming off screen. McCarthy and Grimsdyke leave the mansion as it set ablaze, covering their tracks. Jeremy is dropped off at his house and goes off to bed, however, things are not as normal as he soon to realize. Before he heads to bed Jeremy hears a pack of stray dogs barking outside his bedroom window. After scaring them off with a slingshot he sees a dark figure across the street watching his house.

The next morning, Jeremy’s mother notices that he hasn’t touch his breakfast, and that he looks rather pale. Jeremy claims that he’s OK that he’s just not hungry…..gee I wonder why? He notices on his dad’s newspaper that mansion was burn and immediately leaves for school. On the way there he spots the same dark figure from last night. At the school Jeremy informs Ralph the mansion is burn and that it be those two guys setting them up. Also that he maybe being followed by a cop; Ralph gets worry about the situation but Jeremy is certain that there’s nothing to worry about, however….. Cut to McCarthy and Grimsdyke arriving in front of the high school waiting for Jeremy as he leaves the school and drives away with Ralph. The two start following them but Ralph notices their van and because McCarthy kinda sucks at tailing people. Ralph manages to lose them, having McCarthy and Grimsdyke being chase by the cops. Back at Jeremy’s house after skipping out on a homemade protein shake with a touch of blood dripping raw steak…….gross…..he’s approached by the dark figure who introduces himself as Modoc (played by Rene Auderjonois). No relation to the Mobile Organism Design Only Conquest; just felt like pointing that out. Modoc tries to explain to Jeremy that Nora was a vampire therefore he too is vampire; obviously Jeremy doesn’t believe him. His mother enters the bedroom thought that she hears Jeremy talking to something but Modoc is already gone like Batman as he convince her to leave. Yeah I thought I compare Modoc with Batman here; because there’s no way in hell I’m comparing him to Edward Cullen. The next day as Jeremy leaves for school he’s approached again by Modoc inviting him to his car and Jeremy complies. Modoc explains himself that he simply a tutor who’s here to help Jeremy with the transition from human to vampire. He then tells Jeremy about the man, who’s following him (McCarthy), basically he wants to rid the world of vampires. Once again Jeremy has enough of this and asks Modoc to pull over at a bus stop. But before Jeremy leaves Modoc gives him a vampire guide book and a card to a place to purchase (pigs) blood….you heard me a vampire guide book. And as silly as it sounds this guide book makes better logic than what Stephanie Meyer farts out of her ass in Twilight.

Back at the school Ralph is set for a Student Driver test with Jeremy in tow as McCarthy and Grimsdyke are watching them. As Ralph starts his test McCarthy and Grimsdyke are tailing him but once again he spots them. Seriously they REALLY SUCK at tailing, where did they learn to tail people Inspector Gadget’s Jackass Academy? Anyway Ralph stops the car and gets out to kicking some ass but sadly McCarthy and Grimsdyke drive off. Jeremy returns to the school, as he’s walking in the hall he starts hearing a saxophone. He follows the music and finds Darla playing the saxophone; Jeremy immediately asks her out and she accepts. Cut to nighttime Jeremy arrives at Darla’s house; after meeting the parents the two head out to a pizza place. Things are cut short as it seems that Jeremy is having trouble eating his pizza which turns out it has garlic in it. Cut to Ralph’s house as McCarthy and Grimsdyke are outside watching, assuming he is a vampire. However, Ralph spots them (AGAIN) from his window. Seriously these guys just suck at being stealthy, how do they even function? Also did they not see that ONE OTHER KID who was hitting it with a sexy vampire earlier? Well apparently they did and just assuming that it’s Ralph without a doubt. Anyway has enough of this shit and sneaks up to the van with a baseball bat. He sees Grimsdyke who’s out watching the place and surprises him. And given how Grimsdykes is…..about as useful as a plank of wood he runs back to the van and drives away like a pansy. Cut to Jeremy and Darla at a (insert a place where teenagers go to make out in a 80s film here) and the two start kissing. It gets very intimate between the two until Jeremy starts kissing her neck as if he’s taken interest to bite her. Actually he almost did but he stops himself; Jeremy panics, asks Darla to get out of the car, and drives away. He stops at a Whole Foods Market to purchase some pigs blood from the meat deli. The deli clerk seems to be aware about vampires as he teases the kid. Jeremy heads home and tries the pigs’ blood and to his surprise he likes it.

Cut to a montage of Jeremy adjusting to his new life as a vampire quite nicely. Such as having a mini-fridge stocked on pigs blood and blacken his bedroom windows. Even he really doesn’t need to do that considering he’s a “living” vampire not an undead one; therefore he can go out in the sun just fine. Jeremy and Modoc are celebrating with delicious can of pigs’ blood soda but Jeremy is still rather bummed out that his old life is over. Modoc explains that there’s a positive side of being a vampire, such as for every ten years a vampire can age a year. Of course to Jeremy he’ll be stuck as teenager for the next twenty years. Modoc even tells him about vampire powers such as hypnosis and yes Jeremy does it on Darla trying to get a second chance but plan FAILED! Cut to Ralph leaving a store when…..ugh spots McCarthy and Grimsdyke again and quickly drives off. Could these guys at least invest on a cloaking device or something? Ralph drives to Jeremy’s house to tell him that McCarthy is after him. Jeremy explains that McCarthy is after him because he mistakes Ralph of being a vampire. Jeremy reveals that he’s the vampire but of course Ralph doesn’t believe him. He gives Ralph a bottle of pigs’ blood which he takes a whiff and is convinced that Jeremy is a vampire. Not even saying a word, Ralph calmly walks out of the house. A little bit later Jeremy is approached by Modoc one last time saying that he has taught Jeremy enough and is about to move on. Jeremy is still unsure of his new undead life but Modoc gives him confidence that he’ll do fine.

Jeremy heads to Ralph’s house trying to set things straight; Ralph is a little unease but eventually believes that Jeremy won’t him because of their friendship. The two head to a nightclub to get a date for Ralph via Jeremy’s hypno powers. McCarthy and Grimsdyke enter the nightclub to hunt down Ralph. Jeremy tries his attempt on a few women but gets nothing but misfires; one of those misfires is Grimsdyke being unknowingly effective by it. Jeremy tries one last time on another woman; it seems to work this time as Ralph heads towards her but gets cock-blocked by the mind-controlled Grimsdyke. This gets in the way McCarthy’s crossbow as he tries to take the shot but Ralph sees him and ducks just in time. Grimsdyke tries to stop McCarthy but he snaps him out of it before things got weird. Jeremy and Ralph use this distraction to leave the nightclub; the two head to the pizza restaurant where coincidently Darla is there. Jeremy goes over to her and asked for a second chance; Darla’s hesitant at first but she allows him the second chance. Meanwhile Ralph is taken out of the restaurant at gunpoint by McCarthy. Jeremy is wondering where Ralph went off to but see McCarthy’s van driving away; he goes after them with Darla in tow. Jeremy manages to catch up to them but Grimsdyke sees them approaching and attempts to lose them. While this is going on Jeremy tells Darla that he’s a vampire and she takes it immediately well. The chase continues until Jeremy’s car gets tipped on two wheels and gets wedged onto other car. Jeremy and Darla got out of the car just fine as cops show up at the site. Jeremy tries to explain to the cops about the whole “vampire hunters trying to kill my best because they think he’s a vampire” situation but of course they don’t believe him. Let’s face it cops in 80s horror films can be severely dumb sometimes. They put Jeremy in the backseat of the police car while Darla quickly jumps into the front seat and drives off. Shortly after the two switch places and continue to search for Ralph. Darla spots the van outside of a church and the two quickly head into the church just in time to stop McCarthy from killing Ralph. Jeremy convinces him that he’s about to kill an innocent person instead of a vampire, McCarthy eventually let’s Ralph go.

Jeremy and the other were about to leave the church but the jig is up when Jeremy reacts to the string of garlic on Ralph’s neck. McCarthy and Grimsdyke chase after them as the three head to a nearby cemetery. The three are cornered and McCarthy proceeds to slay Jeremy. Jeremy uses his vampire strength to stop McCarthy and decides to let him instead of killing him. Jeremy only asks for vampires to live in peace but McCarthy isn’t seemed too generous of that request and attempts to slay him again. The conflict comes to an end when Nora (still alive) appears; she persuades Jeremy to drink McCarthy’s blood but he refuses. This pleases Modoc who shows up as well; McCarthy takes out a gun shoots him but has no effect. McCarthy is still rather obsessive to eradicate vampires, so Modoc calls forth a group of sexy vampire women to help him…..reconsider…. Yeah let’s go that and all I can say for McCarthy be happy that Mathilda May isn’t among these women; just saying. Also the time it takes for the transformation to take hold must be insanely sporadic, because about a minute later McCarthy is now a vampire. Modoc simply explains to Jeremy that one way to get rid of your enemy is making them an ally; not sure what sense does that make but OK. Anyway Modoc, his sexy vampire entourage, and the newly McCarthy vampire run off into the night as they turned into wolves. The film ends with Jeremy and Darla now together, Ralph is hitting it up on one of the sexy vampires, and Grimsdyke…..ah fuck it who cares about him.

My Final Verdict: The comedy may not be rolling in the aisles humor but still funny at times. The characters are likable and not balls out annoying. The rules about vampires don’t insult your intelligence in comparison with the rules of Twilight. At least in this film they explain the rules after they’re been established. Such as how Jeremy can walk around in the daylight is explained that he’s a “living” vampire instead of an undead one. Yeah the explanation sounds silly but it’s not as retarded as “vampires that sparkle in sunlight” because a shitty writer says so.

Well that’s one horror comedy done and you know what I’m gonna review another one. Next time it’s Once Bitten stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Virtuosity

Sorry for the long delay folks been rather busy drawing a new comic issue and among other things; but anyway on to Virtuosity. We open at a subway station where we’re introduced to Parker Barnes (played by Denzel Washington) and Donovan (played by Costas Mandylor) in police uniforms. The two are heading out of the station, tracking down someone as they take notice of their surroundings. Such as how the walls of the subway station are warping and by-standers are walking through each other as if the place is glitchy. Even the sky and clouds are glitchy; Parker spots a :) emoticon outside of a Japanese restaurant and the two head inside. They search throughout the restaurant until coming across someone they’re looking; Sid 6.7 (played by Russell Crowe). They open fire on Sid but he fires but as he’s making his escape; Donovan follows Sid but gets taken out. Parker searches the restaurant as Sid appears from behind chef’s cooking area and open fire. Parker jumps for cover but gets shot in the arm in the process; Sid holds the chef like a human shield but Parker shots him down able to get Sid by the shoulder. Damn, am I watching Training Day by mistake? Parker finds Donovan dead by electrocution as Sid sneaks up behind him. Sid jams his thumb into Parker’s gunshot wound putting him in a lot of pain. Parker starts turning all digital or pixelated then he vanishes; same goes to Donovan. Apparently it turns out to be virtual reality as we cut to the real world with Parker and Donovan suffering a neural stimulation overload. Parker is released from the VR harness while Donovan goes into shock and dies. Long story short Parker use to be a LAPD officer; now serving jail time he has volunteer with the Law Enforcement Technology Advancement Center (LETAC) to test their VR. In order to be sure that it’s safe for cops as a training simulation. After Parker is sent back to his cell, we cut back to LETAC where a Dr. Darrel Lindenmeyer (played by Stephen Spinella) is speaking to Sid about the incident. He knows that it was Sid who increased the neural sensitivity on the inmates, killing Donovan. Lindenmeyer informs Sid that after the incident his higher ups want to shut down the VR project. However, Sid has other plans than being shut down. Back at the prison Parker is being interview by a Dr. Madison Carter (played by Kelly Lynch) a criminal psychologist working with LETAC. She’s willing to help Parker to have his prison sentence reduce if he cooperates. Madison asks him about a criminal name Matthew Grimes, apparently he was responsible for the death of Parker’s wife and daughter. Matthew Grimes was a political terrorist who kidnapped Parker’s wife and daughter because he was cutting Grimes off from potential targets. I’ll get to why Parker is in prison later.

Cut to a Clyde Reilly (played by Kevin J. O’Connor) having a “conversation” with a simulation name Shelia 3.2 (played by Heidi Schanz). He’s interrupted by Lindenmeyer who has taking an interest of Clyde’s nano-tech androids he’s been incubating. Lindenmeyer proposes to incubate Shelia into a nano-tech android, Clyde accepts. As Clyde leaves to prep for incubation, Lindenmeyer retrieves a casing containing the character module of Shelia 3.2. But only to replace it with the character module of Sid 6.7 to trick Clyde into incubating him instead. At Clyde’s lab he demonstrates to Lindenmeyer how these nano-tech androids work with a snake. Basically when these androids get injured nano-machines that are released from the open wound and absorbing any glass object. Then the glass particles are assimilated, regenerating the android. The nano-machines are silicone based therefore they require glass for the regeneration. However, upon separating the character module from the polymer neural net the nano-machines die out. Clyde places Sid’s character module into an apparatus fill with the nano-machines. Minutes later the incubation is complete and now we see Sid in the flesh….and naked. Damn check out that ass maybe he should stay naked, gets some tan on those cheeks. Clyde is confused of why he’s seeing a naked man instead of a naked woman but Sid fixes the problem by strangling him to death. Later Parker is brought in by his friend Billy Cochran (played by William Forsythe) who is the LAPD’s police chief. The LETAC commissioners object to this but Billy believes Parker is the only who can stop Sid. If Parker succeeds LETAC will give him a full pardon. Before Parker is sent out he’s been implanted with a micro-locator in case he tries to make a run for it. Madison wishes to go with him to better he chances to capture Sid; despite his objection Parker agrees. As Parker and Madison set out to find Sid, we cut to Lindenmeyer hiding out at motel watching the news about a murder at a residential home. He figures that it was Sid behind the murders. Parker and Madison arrived at Lindenmeyer’s home to learn more about Sid. Apparently Sid was “psychology grown” by Lindenmeyer using genetic algorithms of history’s most dangerous killers and psychopaths. Parker takes notice that Matthew Grimes is one of those genetic algorithms that’s a part of Sid. Cut to Sid entering a nightclub and is completely in awe of this place. Cut to Parker and Madison stopping by her place to freshen up; there we’re introduced to her daughter Karin Carter (played by the Pre-Charmed, Pre-Big Bang Theory Kaley Cuoco). While Karin goes off to talk to Parker, we cut back to the nightclub as Sid shoots down a robot bartender….not kidding and holds the people in the place hostage. Back at Madison’s place Parker hears over the police scanner about a shooting at the nightclub. Parker asks Karin to get her mother then the two head out. Sid starts lining the hostages up into different sections like a symphony orchestra recording their screams and cries. This John Williams symphony from hell continues until Parker arrives to the scene and shoots Sid. Not effected by the gunshots Sid makes a Spider-Man leap to the exit and escapes by stolen police car. Parker and Madison follow suit soon after; Sid is cornered by a wrecked tanker truck at a bridge. Parker and Madison catches up to Sid as he open fires on them. Parker grabs a shotgun and fires on him forces Sid to jump off the bridge and disappeared into the night.

The next day at LETAC, Parker believes that Matthew Grimes is a part Sid and is becoming the dominate personality. How Sid was taunting Parker, how he treats his victims just like Grimes whose specialty is bombing populated targets. Any place where there are a lot of people that can die and can be seen on the news media live. Madison believes that now Sid is in the real world he’s no longer bound by his programing in VR. Free from any behavior limits while in the real world. Cut to Sid walking in a mall with his new suit that he ripped off from one of the victims at the nightclub. To add we get the Bee Gees’ Stayin Alive playing in the background; which makes the Sid walking in the mall scene very awesome. Brownie points goes to you movie. And speaking of the nightclub, Sid stops at a TV store and watches the news converge of his handy work. The store owner gets annoyed that Sid keeps changing the channels on the TVs so Sid takes care of that problem by snapping the store owner’s neck. Minutes later Parker and Madison arrived at the mall watching a video recorded by a nearby store owner of Sid just smiling evilly to the camera. Parker notices a live converge on the TV of a MMA fight and some of the cameras are suspiciously focus on a young woman in the crowd. He figures out that Sid has chosen a new victim for a live execution and hurries to the LA Olympic Auditorium. At the Olympic Auditorium Sid has already arrived and killed the camera crew. Inside the Auditorium Sid spots his prey and flirts with her; he gets creepily flirty which made her very creep out. Her boyfriend sees them and attacks Sid but he beats up the boyfriend and throws him off the balcony falling to his death. Sid grabs the young woman and is about to kill her is interrupted by a cop armed with a shotgun. Sid grabs the front of the shotgun but gets his hand blown off….dumbass. Sid punches the cop and makes a jump off the balcony. After hitting the ground like a Looney Toon character, Sid makes to the MMA ring as Parker enters the Auditorium. Parker tries to shoot him but can’t get a clear shot with all people in the way. Sid escapes the Auditorium and reached a nearby train to heal himself on a window. Parker follows him out of the Auditorium but lost him at the train stop. Sid peeps out of the train door holding a hostage at gunpoint as the train begins to depart. Parker takes careful aim at Sid opens fire; he misses but the woman gets shot and killed by Sid. Despite what happened eyewitnesses think that Parker shot the woman. OK apparently nobody notice the bullet ricocheted off the side of the train. Or that nobody doesn’t seem to recognize the guy from the news about the nightclub shooting. Hell in the next scene there’s news footage of Sid attacking the young woman. Also for a criminal psychologist Madison sure got some convenient Sherlockian skills to tell that the woman was shot from behind by Sid. I guest in the future either CSIs don’t exist anymore or they took a second job. Take your pick?

Anyway Parker is taken away by the cops as we get a flashback of him infiltrating Grimes’ hideout to rescue his family. Cut to Matthew Grimes (played by Christopher Murray) being interviewed by a news anchor, as Grimes makes his statement Parker finds his wife and daughter in a room with a bomb about to blow. Parker gets the door open only to trigger a motion sensor which activates the bomb to go off sooner. The explosion killed Parker’s family and blown his arm off (hence why he has a metal arm). Grimes hear the explosion and believe that Parker is now dead; however, Parker arrives to Grimes’ location and starts gunning down the lackeys. Parker comes face to face with Grimes and immediately shoots him dead; he’s then approached from behind by the news anchor and cameraman. Still in zoned out kill mode, Parker accidently shoots them dead (which explains why he’s serving time in prison). The flashback ends when Sid kills the escorting cops and frees Parker, but not before telling him that the micro-locator has a build in poison capsule that LETAC can set off if Parker goes rogue. Madison gets a call from Parker telling her that didn’t kill those cops and about the poison. She informs Cochran about the micro-locator poison which then he immediately heads to LETAC stops them from activating the poison. Madison heads off to meet with Parker at his family’s grave, but little does she Sid disguised as a repairman is outside her home as she leaves. At the cemetery Parker figures that Sid will go somewhere to get massive feedback to satisfy Grimes’ appetite. Cut to a TV station where a political debate is taking place, Sid has begun taken over the station and shoots one of the political debaters dead. This public execution was broadcast live, sending the station’s viewer ratings skyrocketing. Parker and Madison arrived at the station as Sid begins his “Death TV” debut; Madison sees the broadcast only to notice a little girl being held somewhere along with a bomb. That little girl is none other than her daughter Karin, Sid has given two hours for Karin to live before the bomb goes off. As Parker heads inside the station, Madison orders the owner of the station to cut the phone lines from the broadcast. Woman you’re a criminal psychologist not an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., it’s a bit unbelievable that she has federal authority to do such a thing in her position. Anyway she spots Lindenmeyer watching the broadcast and takes him at gunpoint. Parker reaches studio B as the phone lines are cut which makes Sid very angry. Parker open fires on him but Sid does a Spidey jump through the ceiling making his escape to the roof. Parker quickly follows him up to the roof and continues gunning him down. A fist-fight breaks out on the roof; Sid seems to have the upper hand. The two of them jump on a moving platform and the fight continues. Parker grabs a rope and ties it around Sid; they both jump off the platform and crash through the window. Parker lands on a catwalk while Sid falls through panes of glass; though still Sid has his arm and legs chopped off. Parker tries to get the location of Karin from him but with his other arm Sid grabs Parker, pulling him towards the protruded glass shards. Sid starts healing his arm and legs from the glass shards as Parker breaks free. Parker punches him at the back of the head ripping out his character module, killing the nano-machines thus killing Sid. Madison arrives with Lindenmeyer in tow; he congratulates Parker for stopping Sid but states that they now have no way of finding Karin.

Cut to Parker fighting Sid and……did the filmmaker hit the rewind button? Anyway this time in this fight Sid stops Parker from grabbing the rope and holds him in a wrestling press slam move. And just like that Sid drops Parker off the roof falling to his death. What the hell….did the movie redo these scenes to have the villain win? Madison arrives without Lindenmeyer this time, seriously what the hell? Madison demands Sid to tell her where Karin is and he complies. Meanwhile, Parker somehow recovers from the fall, gets back up, and heads back up to the roof. Is Parker a Black Lantern now? Well not really, it turns out Sid is back in VR while Parker and Madison are in the VR Harnesses trying to trick him to revealing Karin’s location. And surprisingly it works as Sid takes Madison to one of the fan exhaust ports on the roof, implying that Karin is in one of them. Sid is rather shocked to see Parker alive again and even more to learn that he’s back in VR. Parker signals Cochran to get the two out of VR, Lindenmeyer gets Madison out first. Cochran is about to get Parker out but Lindenmeyer stops, taking a metal pipe and beating Cochran to death. Parker is trap as Sid gets so pissed off that literally distorts VR. Parker starts falling and his neural stimulation is starting to overload. Madison awakes from the VR only to see Cochran dead and Lindenmeyer watching Parker die in VR. As Parker falls to his permanent virtual death, Madison sneaks pass Lindenmeyer to the control console to free Parker. Lindenmeyer spots Madison and tries to kill her but she grabs Cochran’s gun and shoots him dead. Madison manages to get Parker out of VR before the stimulation overload kills him. Parker takes out Sid’s character module then he and Madison head back to the TV station. Back at the station Parker enters the exhaust port to find Karin on a pressure plate that will trigger the bomb if she stands up. Parker tries to access the bomb’s console but Sid apparently rigged it for the time to go faster if tempered. So Parker tries to bypass the timer by connecting a fiber optic cable to certain input/output ports. He makes the connection but goes even faster about to go off until timer starts to reset itself. Apparently Parker has set the bomb’s timer on a loop, making it unable to explode. With Karin now safe and reunited with Madison, the film ends with Parker throwing Sid’s character module from the roof to the streets below. Smashing into pieces and gets crushed by a passing car.

My Final Verdict: This film has a unique look and feel with its present day setting with advanced technology. The acting is impressive especially with Russell Crowe, his performance is just beautiful. Kinda like a 90s Joker if The Dark Knight was made in the 90s.

Next time I think I’ll start reviewing some comedies and I may have the first film in mind. Stay tuned as I review My Best Friend is a Vampire.