The Film Vindicator Review: Ark

Hey and welcome back folks, well lets dive into this film. We start off when an opening narration of the planet Alcyone were two racial cultures (the Ceveans and the Storrians) have been at war with each other for centuries. This cause the planet to "defend itself" upon the warring races leaving most of the planet's populous nearly wiped out and the planet itself in ruin. But then the narration speaks of a Cevean priestess Amiel who helped other Ceaveans to build a great domed city on top of a giant robot god (the Ark). This Ark was meant for the all to leave the doomed planet and start anew however, the Storrians took control of the Ark and cast out the Ceaveans to the wastelands and Amiel mysteriously disappeared. Though the Storrians have claim the Ark of La'Dark they're unable to power and pilot it off the planet, so a century later they been in search for the missing Amiel and the Ark remains still. We cut to present day at the Ceavean wastelands where three Storrian soldiers investigate a cave which stores Ceavean children in hibernation pods. One of the soldiers Jallak (voiced by James Woods) recommends to call for support to transport the children back to La'Dark but the other two considered that it's a waste of resource. One of the two soldiers open fire on the Ceavean pods but Jallak intervenes and stops the soldier. The two of them fight as the soldier draws his gun but Jallak grabs hold and makes the soldier to shoot at the ceiling. Causing a Ceavean pod to fall on the soldier killing him instantly. The other soldier draws his gun on Jallak but he kicks the gun out of soldier's hand and draws his gun shooting the other soldier dead. A little later Jallak comes across a glowing Ceavean pod containing a little girl inside. Cut to 16 years later as we see the little girl grown up as Jallak's daughter Amarinth (voiced by Chiara Zanni). We see her displaying some bio electrical field which seems to affect machines and devices. This will be explained and come into play later trust me. We cut to a Storrian council as they discuss to the Storrian empress Cathebel (voiced of Tabitha St. Germain) of the dangers of the planet about to split in two. The empress is skeptical but will do anything to protect her people. Outside of La'Dark a battle is taking place, Ceavean rebels try to make their escape with a data disc. One of the rebels was carrying this disc but was shoot and killed by Storrian soldiers. They've obtain the disc and ordered by Jallak to take it to La'Dark. One of the surviving rebels Rogan (voiced by Kirby Morrow) tries to stop them but is immediately captured. Back at La'Dark Storrian scientists attempt make the Ark move but were unsuccessful, apparently the Storrians are trying to make the Ark leave the planet on its own power. But without Amiel to pilot the Ark they fail time and time again. On the streets of La'Dark, soldiers from the battle bring in Rogan but one of soldiers starts to torture him with gasoline. This gives Rogan the opportunity to set the gasoline ablaze, escaping from the soldiers and escape into the lower levels of the city. While that was going on, Amarinth is walking about as Rogan runs past her afterwards Jallak spots her on the street despite telling her not to be. Jallak and Amarinth have an argument until they're approached by Baramanda (voiced by Trevor Devall)....VILLAIN! I'm sorry had spoil that no offense to this film but this guy has the subtlety of David Patrick Kelly. It can't be helped when the guy looks a hell of a bit like Sephiroth if Sephiroth wore really silly robes and has long dark purplish hair. He is such an obvious villain he might as well have a sign over his head that says "Oh yeah I'm so gonna screw everyone over". Hell the guy has his own cyborg death bodyguards.

Anyway Baramanda shows Jallak that the data on the disc shows a general location of Amiel's remains and orders him to go investigate. At an interrogation chamber Baramanda tries to get info on where precisely Amiel's remains is located but the Ceavean prisoner refuses to answer. So Baramanda resorts to his cenobarbs (small creatures that can drain the life force from living beings). He throws a cenobarb at the prisoner and starts to feed; the prisoner tells him that Amiel's remains are at sanctum ruins. But the cenobarb continues to feed on him until he dies and apparently it's connected to Baramanda who in a way is draining the life force taking deep pleasure in doing so. Still not convinced he's the bad guy yet? At the sanctum ruins Jallak and his men discovered a Ceavean pod with Amiel inside who doesn't appear to be alive. Back at La'Dark Amarinth comes across Rogan who apparently was injured doing the escape. Amarinth offers Rogan to rest up at her place and he takes the offer. At her place they share their thoughts about the Ark and to Rogan's surprise that for a Storrian she cares for the Ceaveans. She's about patch up Rogan but he sees a photo and recognizes Jallak and immediately leaves her place. At the Ark core the scientists prep Amiel's body for initial testing but nothing happened. Empress Cathebel is angered by this and is tempted to have her council to execute an evacuation plan for the upper classes and the nobilities. But one of Storrian scientists Higgins (voiced by Jason Simpson) tells that there's another who's capable of piloting the Ark, Amiel's daughter. Baramanda speaks of Ceaveans hide their young in hibernation pods outside of La'Dark. Other scientists Anders (voiced by Fiona Hogan) suggest taking Amiel’s DNA and scanning the registered Ceavean slave girls for a match. Baramanda suggest scanning the Ceavean house maids and adoptive daughters as well. Jallak sensing that Amarinth could be the one and is in danger, he attempts to persuade Cathebel that it's all a waste of time. But unfortunately to no prevail, Cathebel orders the DNA scan search. The jig is up for Jallak when it's revealed that Amarinth is Amiel's daughter and is place under arrest. Baramanda arrives at Amarinth's place to collect her but is confronted by a dual gun wielding Rogan. Baramanda sends his two cyborg death bodyguards to attack Rogan but he eventually defeats them. Really Baramanda you couldn't brought along ten more of these guys, just thought that two would've been just fine? Ah oh well, Rogan grabs Amarinth and the two run away. Baramanda calls for some soldiers and war mechs to capture them but the two escape in a construction mech. Eventually they got away from the soldiers and made it to a forbidden area of the city. Amarinth is confused of what Baramanda said about being the daughter of Amiel but Rogan believes that she is the one. Rogan explains that she's meant to pilot the Ark and bring forth both the Ceaveans and the Storrians to a better world. But Amarinth is not so sure about this destiny of piloting La'Dark when Rogan corrects her with "it's not this Ark you have to pilot". More on that later. Amarinth and Rogan reached the city's underbelly to a Ceavean refuge; there it's revealed from an elder Ceavean about Amarinth's bloodline of ancient Ceavean priestesses. Amiel build the Arks from a science and technology passed to these priestesses by the gods. Building both Arks took all of Amiel's strength and went to sleep but never woke up again. But before then hid away Amarinth safely among the other Ceavean children and that she build the second Ark York in secret from the Storrians. Amarinth is the one in the bloodline destined to pilot York to a new world. Amarinth and Rogan received word from other refugees that Jallak is being publicly trial and soon after executed. The two arrived at the city square where the trial/execution is taking place; Amarinth decides to surrender herself Baramanda in order to save Jallak. Baramanda releases Jallak and takes Amarinth to the Ark core; however Baramanda gives the order to kill the slaves and Jallak. Outside Jallak and Rogan cause a distraction as they tell the Storrian people that Amiel has being found and is at the Ark core. Furthermore, one of the Storrian civilian tells that the council is planning to evacuate the upper classes and the nobilities and leave the underclass behind. This immediately causes the Storrian civilians to riot in the city square. Empress Cathebel tries to calm down the masses but is shot and killed from afar by a Storrian civilian.

As the riot continues, Jallak and Rogan attempt to sneak into the Ark core to rescue Amarinth. Back at the Ark core Baramanda set up Amarinth for Ark activation however, it appears that he has other plans. It turns out Baramanda wants Amarinth's power to pilot the Ark and bring the Storrians out the darkness instead of her. Anders protest this notation but is shot down by order of Barbamanda; wow you stay a douchebag long enough to level up from Sephiroth to Kefka that’s impressive. Baramanda reveals his cenobarb covered chest and begins draining Amarinth's life force; oh man I can just smell the Resident Evil jokes. Jallax and Rogan arrived at the Ark core and most of Baramanda's men and two of his cyborg death bodyguards. Now I say there's two of them because somehow there's a bit of continuity hiccup where after Baramanda finishes draining Amarinth a third cyborg death bodyguard appears out of nowhere. And then after Amarinth's blood starts a reaction that causes Amiel's body to disappear into a stream of energy, the third CDB is gone. OOPS! Amarinth soon recovers when La'Dark begins to become unstable. Amarinth and Rogan escape via escape pods while Jallak and his subordinate Piriel (voiced by Kathleen Barr) stay behind to stop the Ark before the city is destroy. A little bit later Baramanda reappears looking like he's been infected with T-Virus enters the sarcophagus and takes control of the Ark. Jallak contacts Higgins asking how to stop the Ark, Higgins infos him about a self-destruct mechanism at the cranial control. Amarinth and Rogan arrived at the Ark of York, they enter the core and Amarinth is about to take control. However, it's revealed that once merging with the core of the Ark comes at price of one's own life. Rogan protest at first but with La'Dark coming towards York and about to destroy the Ceaveans and the Storrians, Amarinth decides to go through with it. As La'Dark closing in on York, Amarinth enters the sarcophagus and takes control of York. Baramanda is about to crush York but Amarinth counters and pushes La'Dark, and the climax of the film breaks into a giant robot fight. And if I dare say....AWESOME. The fight continues until Amarinth breaks the city pod off of La'Dark. This gives Jallak and Piriel the chance to activate the self-destruct destroying La'Dark for good. The Ark of York along with La'Dark's city pod leaves Alcyone as it begins to break apart. The film ends with the Ceaveans and the Storrians living on a new world as Rogan narrates of what has been happening.

My Final Verdict: Though the animation is not exactly on the same level with Final Fantasy The Spirits Within in quality it’s not entirely terrible. Story-wise it’s OK it seems to established the setting and characters throughout the film. The main characters seem to be well structured at least their interaction with each other feels like they have a bit of depth. Whereas Spirits Within the characters felt like there were just there, I mean they appear to have a propose but their interaction and characterization barely have any weight to them. At least in this film there’s actual antagonists that have a propose whereas Spirits Within the Phantoms were just thrown in as a pilot device. They weren’t necessarily antagonists but more or less misunderstood victims of circumstances. Overall the animation is above average but the story seems to hold on its own merit in my opinion.

But wait we’ll not done yet there’s one more film to go. Next time its Kaena The Prophecy stay tuned.

The Cast House: Hellsing

Before making this one I asked some of my friends which actors would portray these characters and one of them recommended these actors. Not only that but thought up a story that won't contradict the story from manga which goes like this. A brief origin of Seras and then go into a Side Story that has no effect on the stories from the manga so cut about half the characters (Maybe keeping a brief glimpse of the major and show him behind the events of the story) So here's to hoping that some film-maker out there may have the same level critical thinking as my friend because god help us all if we end up with another Dragonball Evolution.

The Film Vindicator Review: Steel

I'm gonna say this right off the bat this film is just pitiful. Yeah I'm jumping way ahead of myself but giving that I've researched this character from my tradepaper copy of Return of Superman I have every right to. To start in the book before the events of Death of Superman, John Henry Irons was saved by Superman after he saved a fellow high steel worker. John says to Superman that he owes him his life and Superman responds "then make it count for something." This inspired John to repay Superman for saving him; during the last moments of Death of Superman John sees Superman fighting Doomsday. John attempts to save Superman but was buried under rubble but managed to crawl himself out. After the Death of Superman event Metropolis goes into utter disarray with Superman "dead"; John finally gets to make up that repayment. Using his weapons engineering skills, John builds an armored suit and dawns the name Steel to protect Metropolis in Superman's name. There's more in this backstory but I'll get to them during this review.

We open on a U.S. military testing ground where a tank enters the area; from a distance a gun appears firing a laser and some weird bolts of sparkling stuff at the tank. After the test we're introduced to John Henry Irons (played by Shaquille O'Neal), his partner Susan "Sparky" Sparks (played by Annabeth Gish) whom I'm assuming doesn't exist in the comic. And the most obviously the film's antagonist Nathaniel Burke (played by Judd Nelson). Now if you're familiar with Steel you can clearly see what's wrong here. First, though he is a weapons engineer but at the same time is not with the military where as in the comics he's a weapons engineer for a military corporation. And not only that and this is a bit of a nitpick but the weapons here are peashooters compare to the giant BFGs in the comics that can turn your torso into a crater. Seriously freaking Duke Nukem would want two of these things. Anyway we cut to the testing of a sonic cannon which fires an ultra-low frequency burst of sound energy. Capably of taking down an army without killing them. And here's another problem here the film has John Henry Irons making weapons that don't kill which I've find that silly considering he works for the military. In the comics Irons made weapons that kill but soon becomes disgusted when innocent people are being killed by the same weapons he designed. Then eventually leaves the company when he discovers he's weapons being sold to terrorists by the same company he worked for. Now this makes sense where as in comparison to this film they made him a pansy and yet still makes lethal weapons. Well giving that he works for the military what do you usually make weapons for? Oh I don't know.....TO KILL THINGS. Anyway Burke insists to fire the cannon but beforehand without Irons and Sparks notice he re-calibrates the cannon to a higher power setting which Sparks explains has not been tested yet. At the last second Irons sees the power setting and tries to stop him but Burke fires the cannon. The sound burst hits an abandon building but for some reason ricochets off that building to the same building Irons, Sparks, and Burke are in. OK one sound doesn't work that way, yes sound does bounce off other objects. But sound doesn't ricochet off objects like it's a freaking bullet. The sound burst cause the ceiling to collapse burying Sparks in the process. Irons hulks the frak out and lifts up the rubble but the film abruptly cuts to a court room scene. Editing, what's that? Irons is on the stand telling the judge what happened, so in a flashback Irons saves Sparks but she has sustained severe spinal injuries and her legs have been crushed. Irons then tells the court that he noticed the cannon was re-calibrated by Burke therefore Burke is dismissed from the military. Irons decides to leave the military after what happened to Sparks and move back to Los Angeles. That's right not Metropolis Los Angeles, I guess it's because that Shaq was with the L.A. Lakers at the time this film was made. That or writers were too lazy to use Metropolis as a far more proper setting for this film. We cut to Burke in L.A. at an arcade company which apparently is a front for illegal weapons selling. Burke approaches the weapons seller in charged Willy Daniels (played by Steve Mattila) with a proposal of selling new generation of weapons. The same weapons that Irons design and somehow Burke has the blueprints he took from the military to make them. OK just how exactly did he stolen classified military weapons blueprints, I'm pretty sure they would be missing something that important. And also I didn't mention earlier Burke is not a character from the comics which I explained in my Supergirl review is my personal pet peeve. Now the antagonist from the comic was a Dr. Angora Lapin (alias White Rabbit) who worked for the same weapons company as Irons. After Irons left she took his designs of a BG-60 gun prototype and began building newer versions of this gun to be sold to street gangs in Metropolis. Furthermore, Irons and Lapin had a romantic relationship at one time which she uses this to her advantage against him. You can already see how this could have made a far better Steel film than what we got now.

While walking to his grandma Odessa's house, Irons comes across his little brother Martin (played by Ray J). They arrived at grandma Odessa's (played by Irma P. Hall) who is making a soufflé, now I find this confusing yet funny considering that in the comic Irons' grandparents are rather dead. Do you just love adaptations being incredibly inaccurate to the source materials? Back at the uhm......evil gun dealers/arcade place, Burke tests out a new prototype laser peashooter. Despite a little accident with the gun backfired a guy testing it, Willy is impressed with the results. Willy's assistant does not approve of Burke's methods but he doesn't take that well as a bit later he has the assistant killed off. Later we cut to Irons, Martin, and a cop friend Norma (played by Tembi Locke) heading to a town meeting until Norma gets a call of a bank robbery in progress. At the bank we see an armored Humvee carrying masked men armed with Irons' weapons. They began their raid on the bank as a police car arrives to the scene. Irons and the others arrive at the scene to witness the cops being gun down by the masked men. Irons gets out of the police car and attends to the cops Martin follows suit. As the masked men make their way to the armored Humvee Norma drives her car in front of the Humvee prevented the masked man from escaping. But that was no good when of the masked men fires the sonic cannon at the police car flipping it across the street. Irons immediately heads towards the car and saves Norma before the car explodes. Irons spots one of the masked men who stood behind to grab some more money. The masked man starts running away but Irons gives chase; this chase continues until the two ended up at a train area. The masked man open fires on Irons and he takes cover, the masked man then fires a sonic pulse at the train Irons is hiding behind causing the it to fall on him. But Irons rolls out of the away in time; he catches up to the masking man as he attempts to question him. But unfortunately Irons gets shot in the shoulder by another masked man and the two of them escaped. The next day Irons gets info on the masked men from Martin who is apparently a bunch of well-known street gang. Irons heads to the gangs' hangout attempting to question them about the weapons but none of aren't talking so Irons leaves. It's revealed here that this gang is working for Burke. Later Irons visits Sparks at a VA hospital, he tells her that the weapons they designed are on the streets and needs her help to find the persons making them. She refuses to help but Irons is not having any of that and carries her out of the VA. OK guy not sure if carrying an inpatient out of the VA like that is even legal but whatever. We cut to Irons and Sparks at a junkyard setting up a HQ with the help of Uncle Joe (played by Richard Roundtree, my how the mighty have fallen). After an armor making montage, Irons is ready for action as Steel. We cut to a wealthy couple being robbed by a mugger; the mugger runs off to a construction site close by and is confronted by Steel. And on the first glimpse of the suit there are so much wrong with it. The most obvious one is that the S is not there; yeah in the comics there are a few incarnations where his suit doesn't have the S but still. That's like not having Superman flying and not having his cust....oh wait (Smallville). Another problem is the mask; I mean really they had to make his mouth uncovered. Oh yeah like no one is not gonna try to ID him that way or anything. Not to mention he doesn't even bother to disguise his monotone voice, oh for sure no one's not gonna recognize that voice at all. And lastly it does appear that the palms of his hands are not even covered, oh yeah don't worry about things like leaving palm-prints behind.

Anyway Steel takes down the mugger and returns the stolen items to the wealthy couple. He overhears Uncle Joe about a gang fight at Hill Street and heads there. Upon arriving at the scene, Steel intervenes with the fight and scare off the first gang. The second gang opens fire on Steel with no prevail; yes guys don't bother aiming for the uncovered mouth just shoot everywhere else. Gees you're making the Storm Troopers from Star Wars look like Allan Quatermain. The gang goes ahead and run him over but fails as he takes his hammer converts it into a sonic gun and shoots the car. The gang gets out of the car and tries to shoot him again but he activates an EM field inside the hammer. Making all their guns to fly out of their hands and attaching to his suit. That's very handy considering that the car in front of him seems to be remarkably not effective by the EM field. Continuity, what's that? Now there is a minor fight scene between Steel and the street gang but it's really not impressive especially when Shaq is moving around in that suit like the Tin Man with arthritis. The street gangs all run away and the police soon arrived to the scene. They attempt to arrest Steel but makes his getaway by......firing a grappling cable to a building and rappels up and away. OK....that's really stupid. This film couldn't have him make some rocket boots. Hell flipping Super Mario Bros had those Stompers which makes people jump high/float around and that film was made in 1993. You mean to tell me that between then and 1997 they couldn't make something similar for Steel to easily fly around in. Yeah it would look silly but at least they'll be a bit practical. It’s far more practical than 7 ft. tall man wearing an 800 pound metal suit on a thinly ass grappling cable. Steel makes it to the roof makes a run to jump to the next building and almost missed the ledge. I still think a pair of stompers would be much more effective. The cops arrive to the rooftop but Steel makes it to the other side of the building and rappels downward. But as soon as he's half way down the cable breaks and he falls into a large garbage bin. I still think a pair of stompers would be much more effective. He makes it out of the bin when more cops show up. He makes his escape on his motorcycle that's conveniently parked next to that same garbage bin. I'm not even gonna bitch about that. Anyway Steel gets away from the cops and makes it back to the junkyard. The next day news is spreading fast about the giant armored hero which gets Burke's attention to vise a plan to get rid of him. Later we cut to Steel and Uncle Joe on patrol in an unmarked moving van. I'll wanna bitch on how inconspicuous that sounds but I'm just about spent moving on. We cut to Burke's men taking out a circuit breaker for the Federal Reserve building. OK Irons keeps talking about how his weapons could be used to harm people and so far aside from a couple of cops getting hurt the worst these guys have done is robbing banks. I don't know about everyone else but that is pretty lame and a waste of technology. Anyway Steel and Uncle Joe gets the call from Sparks and the two head to the Federal Reserve. Burke's men entered the building and make their direct withdraw, they're about to make their getaway but are cut off by Steel. They open fire with their "weird bolts of sparkling stuff" at Steel to no effect. AIM FOR THE UNPROTECTED MOUTH STUPIDS! Steel fires off some tear gas at Burke's men........yeah sorry not making the S.W.A.T. 4 "AH YOU FOOL" joke here. One of Burke's men in the Humvee readies a sonic cannon and fires at Steel knocking him on his ass. A police car shows up to the scene and one cop attempts to arrest Steel. One of Burke's men shoots down a police helicopter that arrived on the scene. The helicopter falls and is about to crash on the cop but Steel runs right toward him and tackles him out of the way. Wow they should got some distance away from the burning helicopter huh? Steel makes his escape on his motorcycle which happens to be at scene somehow. Continuity is not this film's strong point is an it? Steel eventually gets away and returns to the junkyard.

While Burke's men have been robbing banks with these weapons he's been transmitting videos of these robberies to mafias and terrorists. Gaining a rather large interested in these weapons. Irons returns to grandma Odessa's about to get some rest until an S.W.A.T. team breaks in to the house and arrested Irons with physical evidence that he's behind the robberies. Really that was the best plan Burke can thought up, framing Irons for the robberies. Apparently he knows Irons' identity, where he lives, and the thought of firebombing the place wasn't sufficient enough for him. MOST PATHETIC VILLAIN EVER! So Irons is thrown in jail and you know what this adds nothing to the film because Sparks immediately gets him out so I'm skipping here a bit. Sparks discovers about anonymous videos and came across some info on a weapons auction happening tonight. Irons and Uncle are en route to the auction which located at an old factory. Suddenly Sparks gets by one of Burke's henchman; apparently Burke has been tracking them down to their HQ. Irons and Uncle Joe lost contact with Sparks but continue on to the factory. There Steel sneaks into the place and comes across the auction in progress. A henchman sneaks behind him and blast him with a sonic burst, knocking him down to the auction area. Burke does best cartoon villain shtick until Steel tricks him to switch on the EM field in the hammer. So Burke is REALLY that stupid, getting easily fooled like a village idiot left in charge of not pushing the History Eraser Button. And also really Steel you didn't make any wrist-blasters; I mean Steel in the comics had a wrist-blaster. Just in case that one primary weapon he carries around gets taken from him. But wait THERE'S MORE BULLSHIT! As soon as Burke orders his men to kill Steel, Sparks has a surprise for them. Apparently she made this new wheelchair armed with Irons' weapons and starts blasting the bad guys. OK she couldn't just use this wheelchair of death before she got captured? And what if that one henchman decided to play it smart and taken her without the wheelchair of death? Anyway a gunfight breaks out between Steel, Burke, and his henchmen. Burke plays the cartoon villain card again as he has Martin as a hostage the whole and attempts to make his escape. But Martin manages to get away from Burke and he and Steel are reunited. Burke attempts to kill them both with a newer, bigger sonic cannon. But Steel turns his back towards Burke causing the sonic burst to ricochet right back at Burke, knocking him on his ass, and getting buried by flaming rubble. Again sound doesn't work that way. Steel and Martin escape the burning factory and reunite with Sparks and Uncle Joe. As for the terrorists at the auction they've been apprehended by the military. The film ends with Irons and others celebrate at grandma Odessa's place for some nice soufflé. And at this point I have cease to care for this complete and utter waste of my time.

My Final Verdict: Just what is it with DC Comic films? When it comes to the likes of Superman and Batman they have some really good films. Now I say SOME because well there are a few that pretty much shit. My point is when comes to DC films based off characters such as Supergirl, Catwoman, Jonah Hex they're just stagnant. Steel is no different; this film is just weak in its execution. The dialogues are jaded considering that's how most shitty 90s films were. Leaving the film with really repugnant one-liners and goofy puns coming from the characters' mouths. Some of the touchy moments in the film fell between not adding up to anything to just come to an abrupt stop. The villains (or the lack thereof) are just painfully pathetic. Shaq is just a a big waste in this film. Not because he's a good actor in a shitty film. But because of the fact that he's not even a decent actor or an actor in general is why he's such a waste. His performance is pitiful and his monotone voice is no help to have me think otherwise. It’s like every scene he's in he sounds like he just woken up from a power sleep after a Lakers game. And let's not forget of how his performance in the armor is just degradingly poor. As an athlete he would think to train and rehearse in the suit to not move like an arthritic elephant. Freaking Peter Weller from Robocop had to train and rehearse on how to move like Robocop while in the suit. Shaq is only in this film because of his popularity as a basketball player and the film will keep reminding you on that aspect. I'm not gonna be specific of what I'm talking but I will put it like this. WE GET IT SHAQ YOU CAN'T MAKE THE FREE THROWS FOR SHIT AND GUESS WHAT NOBODY CARES!

Well I've talked about this piece of trash good enough and I don't think I feel taking on another film from the DC Comic shit pile. So instead I'm looking into two animated films that for some reason have more of a Final Fantasy vibe than The Spirits Within. Next time we dive into Ark, stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Thunderbirds

I'm gonna be honest here I kinda like the Thunderbirds TV series; I'm not quite a huge fan. But if a person can get popular with a show with puppets on strings and models I got nothing but respect. Now the Thunderbirds the live action film on the other hand I got more respect for a broke dick dog than this film let's find out why.

But first let's have a drinking game; the rule is simple and this is anyone who's a fan of the TV series. If there's any scene in the film that makes ZERO sense that you'll be scratching your head to the brain take a shot. Got it? Then let's get started. We open on Wharton Academy in Massachusetts where we're introduced to Alan Tracy (played by Brady Corbet) whom for some reason (aside from lazy writing) is NOT a part of the International Rescue team. Ugh.......why? Is this like Batman Begins it's an origin story film, if so that's stupid because in the show HE'S ALREADY A MEMBER! And take a shot. My god this kid has the most punchable face I've ever seen; he bet not be related to Bella Swan now. Basically all Alan does in the film is to bitch and whine of why is not an IR member yet and feel free to take an early shot. Alan and his friend Fermat Hackenbacker (played by Soren Fulton) (and I'm gonna be doing a lot of bitching on this character later) hears from another student that the Thunderbirds are on TV, he heads to where most of the students are gathered to see. We cut to an oil rig off shore of Russia where Thunderbirds 1 and 2 have arrived to rescue the oil rig workers. Thunderbird 1 is piloted by Virgil Tracy (played by Dominic Colenso) and Thunderbird 2 is piloted by Jeff Tracy (played by Bill Paxton) and you can already see what's wrong here. Why is Virgil piloting T1 Scott is the primary pilot and why is Jeff piloting T2 Virgil is the pilot? And why in the holy blue balls is Jeff out in the rescue field he's the guy who co-ordinates the rescue missions from Tracy Island? And go ahead and take about 3 shots there. I know I shouldn't be nitpicking everything here but it’s just the little things they screwed up here just pisses me off to no end. They manage to rescue the workers and put the fire out and dropped off the workers at a hospital. But little do they know that one of the workers has planted a tracking device on T1 as they head back to Tracy Island. Back at the academy Alan and Fermat are picked up by Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward (played by Sophia Myles) and her butler Parker (played by Ron Cook) and head off to Tracy Island. At the island surprise surprise more bullshit, we're introduced to Ray "Brains" Hackenbacker (played by Anthony Edwards) who has a rather insulting stammering problem. And I know Brains has this in the series but it's barely noticeable and subtle and trust me there's difference between being subtle and being insulting. And real punch in the balls here he has a son Fermat.....WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY! JUST WHEN DID BRAINS EVER KNOCKED UP A WILLING HELLHOUND THAT BIRTHED THIS DORK, WHAT PROPOSE DOES THIS LITTLE PUNK STAIN SERVES IN THIS FILM?! SERIOUSLY HAS THE FILM MAKER EVER WATCHED THE DAMN SERIES BECAUSE SOMETHING TELLS ME HE HAS NOT! Let see here take about 2 shots here. Anyway the Tracys are having dinner and......OK seriously aside from Jeff and Alan I can't even tell who's who among the other Tracys. They all look like a bunch of pretentious boy-band wannabes and what kind of a fail is this if you can't identify any of the other Tracys? And take a shot. Alan feels pissy of how his brothers are flying around in the Thunderbirds and he's not and leaves. A little bit later we're introduced to Kyrano (played by Bhasker Patel) and his daughter Tin-Tin (played by Vanessa Hudgens) both who are NOT Asian like the series fuck you very much film and take a shot. And yes I'm aware that Alan and Tin-Tin are involve romantically; oh yeah that part from the show they get it right while everything else gets butt-fuck for the sake of lazy writing. Alan and Fermat sneak into one of the hangers and aboard T1, they goof around with control until Alan starts up the engines by accident which gets him in trouble. And you know how these crappy family films go; kid throws a hissy fit, parents’ gets resentful and blah blah blah and take a shot.

We cut a submarine arriving at Tracy Island and we're introduced this movie's villain The Hood (played by Ben Kingsley). He orders a missile to be fired at Thunderbird 5 (which is a monitoring station in space) in order to lure the rest of the Tracys away from the island. John Tracy calls the island for help after T5 is hit by the missile and the Tracys head into space in Thunderbird 3. Alan, Tin-Tin, and Fermat spot the submarine surfacing and just runaway for some reason. Hood's men have infiltrated the island compound and have taken full control. Alan and the others have sneaked into the compound through the vents leading to the center control room. With the island under his control, the Hood sets his plan to rob the largest banks in the world by using the Thunderbirds. Leaving IR responsible for these robberies, this is mainly for revenge when the Hood reveals to Jeff that he left him for dead while he saved his brother Kyrano. Yeah that means the Hood is Tin-Tin's uncle and yes this is from the series even though their only HALF brothers. And also I fail to believe that these two are brothers considering that the Hood is portrayed by a British white guy and Kyrano is portrayed by an Indian....FAIL and take a shot. Jeff and the other Tracys are left adrift in space as they only have 4 hours of oxygen left. Alan and the others are caught but escape through the entrance silos which leads them to T2 hanger bay. Sealed off in the hanger bay, Alan uses the Thunderizer on the T1 silo door for the three to escape through the service tunnel. They're just about out but the Hood stops them at the exit but Alan hits a switch to the T1's exhaust port the three escapes to the ocean. The three plan to sneak back into the compound in order to get to the island's satellite station and hack into it to regain control to T5. While as for the Hood's plan is stalled as it turns out Fermat took out T2's guidance processor meaning that T2 won't be able to take off. Later at Penelope's country mansion, she takes notice that IR have not responded to any crisis that's been going on. So Penelope heads out to Tracy Island to investigate the problem. Back on the island Alan and the others are heading through the jungle to the satellite station. Tin-Tin sees a rather shitty CGI scorpion on Alan's shoulder, she process to get it off safely by....by.....sigh. OK folks you’re gonna need a whole bottle for this one and be sure you're not nearby any blunt and/or sharp objects because this will piss you off so bad your brain will commit mass murder. She uses her MENTAL POWERS to get the scorpion off safely from Alan, apparently she has the same powers as the Hood. There are no words to describe so much bullshit that just occurred well except that this scene has forced me invent a new meme for such indescribable stupidity. I present to you a BULLSHIT EX MACHINA because for one SHE NEVER DISPLAYS SUCH POWERS ON THE FUCKING SHOW! FUCKING PAY ATTENTION ON WHAT SOURCE MATERIAL YOU'RE ADAPTING! Sigh. OK if there's anyone who’s not in an alcohol coma right now let’s continue on. Alan and the others made it to the satellite station and gain access but the Hood's henchwoman intercepts their signal and cuts them off. The Hood's men show up that the station but Alan and the others get away and head to a junkyard. Alan and Fermat salvage a hoversled and attached a small hull to it. They get away from the Hood's goons but Alan is driving too fast the small hull breaks off leaving Tin-Tin and Fermat behind to get caught. Back in space T5 starts to lose orbit and has 37 minutes until re-entry while they have only have 30 minutes of oxygen. Back on the island Penelope and Parker arrived and are confronted Hood's men. A fight breaks out which I must be honest the fight scene is pretty good but unfortunately this scene is in context of this rather pathetically goofy film. Penelope and Parker are winning the fight but are easily taken out by the Hood's mental powers. Sensing that Alan is nearby Hood orders him to surrender the T2's guidance processor or he'll kill Penelope and Parker. With no choice, Alan complies. Alan, Penelope, and Parker are put in a meat locker with the others while the Hood carries out his plan.

A little bit later Parker manages to unlock the meat locker door and everyone escapes. In the central control room Alan and the others brought back control to T5 saving Jeff and the Tracys just in time. With the Hood on his to London, Alan, Fermat, Tin-Tin, and Penelope head after him in T1. In London the Hood uses The Mole (a tunneling machine) to reach the Bank of London's vault. However, the Mole drills through one of the subterranean supports of a monorail causing it to stop dead. T1 arrives and Alan, Tin-tin, and Fermat take over T2 and rescue the people on the Monorail. The monorail snaps off the track and falls into the Thames, Alan quickly heads out in Thunderbird 4. The Hood and his goons arrived at the vault and begin their plundering. Back in the Thames Alan reaches the monorail and uses T4's magnetic claws to pull it to surface. After the rescue, Alan and Jeff go after the Hood. Back at the vault the Hood is confronted Penelope but she's easily taken out his goon without any resistance. Ugh......OK either she forgot that she's a kick ass secret agent or the writers of this film did, TAKE YOUR PICK! And take a shot. Jeff Confronts the Hood but is quickly taken out leaving only Alan to confront him. The Hood does his best Darth Vader force choke on Alan...lame until the Hood starts to get weak from over using his powers. Alan climbs up the Mole but Hood uses his power to start it up leaving Alan to quickly jump off and grab on to the ledge of a catwalk. As the Hood is about to kill Alan, Tin-Tin arrives at the vault and stops him with her powers which breaks out to a really lazy mental battle. And HELL NO I'm not making any Scanners reference this film has fail to earn that privilege long ago. Anyway this causing the catwalk to get unstable and breaks halfway; leaving the Hood now hanging on a ledge. The Hood plays some goofy mind game on Alan to let him die but Alan saves him away. After that the Hood and his goons are put to jail and Tracys leave in their Thunderbirds apparently free of being blamed of what just happened. Back at Tracy Island Alan, Tin-Tin, and Fermat are now IR members, Jeff gets a call from the president and the Tracy sons head out in the Thunderbirds and the film ends.

Usually I do My Final Verdict route but I thought I do something different on this review. Remember the show’s opening intro, how they do that countdown while showing off the Thunderbirds? Well here's my little countdown on why this film is monumentally pitiful.

5. The characters and their performances: You can easily tell this film was focusing on Jeff, Alan, Tin-Tin, and Fermat while the other Tracys were being cardboard cutouts. Even when their names are call out you still can't identify them and you'll just be left saying who the fuck was that. And worst of all the film maker decided to invent random character that are in truth not needed, irrelevant, pointless to have around. Not to mention they take up screen time of the title characters which would lead to their characterization and performance to be from sub-par to just poor. This film would have done slightly better if these random characters were taken out completely. Now the only two characters that shown any accuracy from the show were Lady Penelope and Parker and they're barely in the damn film.

4. The Thunderbirds themselves: I have to say they did a good job on modernizing the vehicles. However, the way they're textured they look like shiny plastic toys in comparison with the vehicles from the show. That's right the vehicles from the show look more realistic from the film, that's saying a lot.

3. It's just another crappy family flick: Let's be blunt right now the TV show as much as how it's just puppets and models it's no campy campy kids show. I mean the whole family would find this entertaining no doubt but it's not some no substance kid show we got today. The show itself is rather a serious show; it has people endangerment, gun-play, torture, and possibly death. The problem with this film it's taken from a serious and entertaining show and turns it into basically Disney Channel, making pointless changes to get families to watch it. And yet it fails because it's so repetitive with oh so life lessons of work as a family, or work as team, or you need to learn how to blah blah blah blah and bullshit.

2. The Story: It's just so dull and sometimes feels repetitive; even the villain's storyline is terribly bland. This film's story barely stands up to the stories from the TV series; it's practically a 95 minute bad episode of the series.

1. Overall: Judging by the year it was made its obvious this film was a lazy Spy Kids cash-in. If you wanna watch a Thunderbirds film I recommend the TV shows' two of its own films Thunderbirds Are Go and Thunderbird 6. Yeah you're just being watching puppets acting and all but these films makes more sense than this kiddified garbage.

Well that's one piece of shit stain reviewed but sadly there's another piece of shit stain to review. Next time it's back to the shit list that is the DC Comic films as we look into Steel. Just be sure to sober up by then, stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Back in March of this year I went to see G.I. Joe: Retaliation and it kicked ass, pretty much improved on some flaws from the first film. So how does G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra stands out in comparison? Let's find out.

We start off in France 1641 where a James McCullen is being punished for selling weapons to both allies and enemies alike. And the punishment having a red hot metal mask placed on his face; worst facial ever. Cut to present day at a NATO Weapons Command we're introduced to a present day McCullen (played by Christopher Eccleston). He and his company M.A.R.S. (Military Armaments Research Syndicate) Industries have developed four warheads, each containing 7 million nanomites programed to destroy specific targets after being fired. Later at an M.A.R.S. Weapons Complex in Kyrgyzstan we're introduced Duke (played by Channing Tatum) and friend Ripcord (played by Marlon Wayans) on an armed convoy escorting the nanomite warheads. Cut to nightfall and the convoy is immediately ambushed by a high-tech attack chopper; all except for Duke and Ripcord are taken out. Duke is confronted by the Baroness (played by Sienna Miller) who he recognized her as Ana. Now I'm gonna point this out right now for time sake; it's revealed in flashbacks that Duke and Ana were engaged to be married. But the two had a fallen out when her brother Rex (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) was killed in action and Duke couldn't save him in time. Moving on immediately afterwards we're introduced to G.I. JOOOOOOOOOOOE; Snake Eyes (played by Ray Park), Scarlett (played by Rachel Nichols), Heavy Duty (played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), and Breaker (played by Saïd Taghmaoui). They managed to fend off the Baroness and her troopers safeguarding the warheads, after the fight Duke and Ripcord are ordered by General Hawk (played by Dennis Quaid) to deliver the warheads to Joe H.Q. Later in an Egyptian desert Duke, Ripcord, and the rest of Joes arrived at the Joe H.Q. called the Pit. They're contacted by McCullen on the status of the warheads and unknowingly to the Joes it's revealed that McCullen is working with the Baroness to have the warheads stolen before NATO gets them. Other accomplices working with McCullen are Storm Shadow (played by Byung-Hun Lee) and Zartan (played by Arnold Vosloo) who they and Baroness are set out to infiltrate the Pit via located the tracking beacon attached to the warheads. At McCullen's underwater base we're introduced to Doctor Mindbender (played by [to be revealed later]) I know he's called just Doctor here but calling him that and Christopher Eccleston played the Doctor it's gonna get confusing. Anyway Mindbender reveals to McCullen the Neo Viper soldiers each injected with nanomites turning them into obedient relentless killing machines. Back at the Pit, Baroness, Storm Shadow, Zartan, and a dozen Neo Vipers have infiltrated the base, confiscated the warheads and made their escape. McCullen sends Baroness and Storm Shadow to France to weaponize the warheads and test out one of them on Paris. The Joes figured out that McCullen is behind the attacks and where Baroness is going with the warheads. We cut to Paris as Baroness and Storm Shadow arrived at the DeCobray Laboratories to get the warheads live and ready. Baroness and Storm Shadow about to make their escape via hummer but shortly thereafter the Joes arrived and give chase, Snake Eyes managed to get on the hummer while Duke and Ripcord follow on foot via wearing Delta-6 Accelerator Suits. Scarlett soon follows via motorcycle; Breaker soon discovers that Baroness and Storm Shadow are gonna launch the first warhead on the Eiffel Tower. So now its race to stop them from firing the warhead and destroying Paris all together. The chase continues until the hummer gets hit by a train, Baroness and Storm Shadow survived the crush and make it to their. Ripcord goes after Storm Shadow but fails to stop him from launching the warhead. The warhead makes a direct hit and nanomites starts destroying the Eiffel Tower. Duke chasing down Baroness who has the kill switch for the nanomites, she's about escape via high-tech chopper but Duke managed to jump on aboard and deactivates the nanomites but gets captured in the process.

The Joes are arrested by French police and are told to leave France and never return. The Joes figured out from a dead Neo Viper where McCullen's base is located which at the polar icecap but they have been ordered to return to the Pit so they've taken to take a slight detour along the way. At McCullen's base while Duke is about to be prep for the nanomites it's revealed that Dr. Mindbender is Ana's brother Rex. In a flashback Rex enters an enemy bunker to discovered information about the nanomites and found the real Dr. Mindbender (played by Kevin J. O' Conner), an airstrike is about to bomb the bunker no time for Rex to escape so Mindbender seals them both. Rex/Mindbender further explains that he and Mindbender survived the airstrike and continued the research nanomites until Rex/Mindbender perfected them. A little bit later McCullen has the three missiles (now armed with the nanomite warhead) to be launched, Snake Eyes shoots one of them down with a missile from their snowmobile. With only two missiles remaining Ripcord goes after them in a M.A.R.S. Night Raven jet while Scarlett, Snake Eyes, and Breaker sneak into the base. Rex/Mindbender is about to inject Duke but is stopped by Baroness after freeing Duke it's revealed that Baroness has been under the control of the nanomites; Rex/Mindbender apparently injected her with the nanomites in the hopes of helping her with her loss. But now she seems to be overcoming them momentarily before Rex/Mindbender immobilized her. Later at the Joes' submarine Hawk gives the order to attack the base with SHARCs (Submersible High-speed Attack and Reconnaissance Craft). Back at Rex/Mindbender's lab Duke arms himself Baroness's pulse gun and shoots McCullen who was firing a flamethrower at him causing the flames to deflect back at McCullen burning him. Duke switches off the nanomites in Baroness freeing her while Rex/Mindbender and McCullen escape. At the White House the President (played by Jonathan Pryce) is informed that a nanomite missile heading to the White House and proceeds to a basement bunker. Only to find out one of the secret service agent is a Neo Viper and another surprise Zartan is waiting in bunker now disguised as the President with the help of the nanomites. Back at the base Snake Eyes takes out the base's Pulse Cannon as Storm Shadow arrives and two began fighting. Rex/Mindbender and McCullen make their escape in a private sub while Duke and Baroness pursue them in a Mantis craft. Cut back to Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow still fighting until Snake Eyes gets the upper hand and defeats Storm Shadow. Cut back to Ripcord managed shoot down the last missile spreading the nanomites on to the Night Raven. Ripcord then flies to the upper atmosphere away from Washington D.C. before ejecting from the nanomites. Back at the private sub Rex/Mindbender orders a self-destruct on the base, every Joe begins to evac the base immediately. We cut back to Rex/Mindbender injecting McCullen with nanomites altering his face into a rather more familiar metal face hence forth McCullen is now Destro. While as for Rex/Mindbender has declare to reveal Cobra to the world and as taking the title of Commander. Duke and the rest of the Joes converge on Commander's private sub and he and Destro are put into custody. Later at a prison nanomites in Baroness are active and may take time to remove them all. The film ends with the Joes going on another mission and disguised Zartan has now taken the President place leading up to G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

My Final Verdict: This film may be silly but honestly at least this film has given us the G.I. Joes fighting Cobra ten minutes in unlike in the first Transformers film where it's about 45 minutes to an hour to see the Autobots fighting the Decepticons. Even the humor here is a bit more mature and subtle while the humor in Transformers is from childish to mind raping insulting. And lastly there aren't any annoying pointless characters that take up more screen time than the title characters again unlike the Transformers films. Granted there are a few flaws here and there but overall still worth watching and safe to say that the film won't rape your childhood and that says a lot.

The next film we're looking into won't be getting the same mercy as Rise of Cobra has. Next time its The Thunderbirds stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator 50th Review: Teeth

That's right folks after three years of putting it off I’ve finally get to review Teeth. Was it worth the wait? Well let’s find out.

We start off in a suburban home where we're introduced to Dawn and Brad as children who are step-siblings and immediately you'll notice that Brad is gonna be a asshole when he grows up. We cut to present and the now teenage Dawn O’Keefe (played by Jess Weixler) given an abstinence speech to kids. Yeah Dawn is part of an abstinence group called The Promise and is a rather popular girl in the group. A few scenes that follow Dawn and Tobey (played by Hale Appleman) start becoming attracted to each other. So much so that later back home Dawn has a fantasy of marrying Tobey....weird. The following day Dawn tries to have a conversation with Brad (played by John Hensley) but that falls short when Brad basically wants......to.......have.......sex with her. Ugh yeah I know they're not siblings by blood but ewww. At a lake Dawn calls Tobey to come and see her and Tobey arrives there shortly after. The two go for a swim until they start kissing, they come across a cave and continue kissing until push comes to shove when Tobey proceeds to rape Dawn. ABSTINENCE guarantee to turn your horny teenager into a possible rapist. I don't mean to get political here but serious the whole "wait until marriage to have sex" promise is just not gonna stick especially when it's horny teenagers. You might as well have them wear Battle Royale explosive collars to make it stick. Anyway Dawn struggles to get away but Tobey has a good hold and starts penetrating her until.....until.......well this is gonna be tricky to say this. All of sudden there's a squelching sound and Tobey starts to scream in pain, Dawn panics and pushes him away and....... We see Tobey's penis is already bitten off and lying on the ground. Tobey freaks the hell and runs out of the cave, Dawn confused and scared leaves the cave and heads home. The next day Dawn goes to another speech but is still confused of what happened and just leaves. Dawn returns to the lake with Tobey's car still there but no sign of Tobey. She walks to a cliff and decides to discard the purity ring completely sworn off abstinence given that she was almost rape by a guy who he himself was abstinence I don't blame her. And also if that kinda situation happens this will get you thinking quite a lot. Dawn does some research on the net and comes across the term "vagina dentata" or toothed vagina. Dawn goes to visit a gynecologist to have her vagina check to get a clear understanding of what's going on with her body. The gynecologist starts to examine her but Dawn starts to panic and SQUELCH the toothed vagina bites on the gynecologist's fingers. And man does it have a good grip as the gynecologist tries to pull out (NO PUN INTENDED) while Dawn is being dragged around on the examination table. The gynecologist finally gets free with four of his fingers bitten off and starts screaming vagina dentata for some reason.

Dawn freaks out and leaves the room and bikes on home, Dawn notices some police cars heading to the lake where she and Tobey were. At the lake she sees the police discovering the body of Tobey, his penis was nowhere to found. Back home Dawn is about to tell her parents but find her mom on the floor unconscious while Brad (not giving two shits to call an ambulance) is porking some random chick. Did I mention that Brad's an asshole? After that Dawn heads to Ryan (played by Ashley Springer) and tells him everything that's been going with her recently including her toothed vagina problem. Right afterwards the two start having sex and trust me it's not out of nowhere as I'll explain a little later. We cut to a hospital where the gynecologist is getting his fingers reattach, as he is asked what happened he instead takes the oxygen mask and takes a good whiff of that sweet anesthetic gas. I guess if I ever got my fingers bitten off by toothed vagina I be too embarrass to say a damn word either. We cut back to Dawn about to leave to tell the police but Ryan persuades her to have more sex and they do. But that gets interrupted when Ryan's friend calls, it turns out that Ryan made a bet that he would have sex with Dawn despite her vow of abstinence. Oh and earlier before they had sex the first time Ryan gives her a pill which is obvious a date rape drug judging on how woozy Dawn was. Yeah nice going guy just flat out say GOTCHA while your penis is still in her vagina and speaking of which.....SQUELCH! Out of anger and embarrassment her vagina takes a bite out of his penis and leaves his house, yeah I hope that bet was worth it guy cause it's gonna be awhile for you to do that again. Back at Dawn's house her dad tries to kick Brad out but he's not having none of that as he unleashed his dog on dad mildly injuring him. At the hospital Dawn gets the bad news that her mother passed way, her dad shows up to get patch up. Dawn finds out what happened from her dad and Brad's girlfriend and heads back home. Dawn shows up in Brad's room and proceeds to seduce him, Brad takes the advantages and have sex with her and you can already guess how this is gonna end. Brad gets his penis bitten off and Dawn's vagina spits it out for Brad's dog to have a nice balance lunch.......yeah. Dawn leaves and hits the road on her bike until it gets a flat and then she hitches a ride. The ends with Dawn arriving at a gas station and tries to get out of the car but gets hit on by a rather horny creepy old man so she decides to fix that problem if you know what I mean.

My Final Verdict: I love this film quite a lot, I don't know why. I guess it's the fact someone took a concept as silly as toothed vaginas (which for me are well known from hentais) and made it possible for live action. Even though we don't see the toothed vagina in our own minds we can see as clear as day. This film really good sense of humor that isn't shoved in our face but rather has some nice subtle. Well that's my 50th film review and here's to 50 more reviews to come starting with G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra coming up next time stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Flight of the Phoenix (2004)

And welcome back folks as I said back at my David Cronenberg's The Fly that it's one of the perfect examples of remakes done right. Well I believe that the 2004s Flight of the Phoenix is one of the perfect examples of taking a plot/story from an old film and modernize it in present day; and so is 2011s Fright Night.

So we start off in the Gobi Desert of Mongolia where a C-119 Flying Boxcar piloted by Captain Frank Towns (played by Dennis Quaid) and co-pilot A.J. (played by Tyrese Gibson) arrives at an Amacore oil rig to clear out the place. This pisses off Kelly Johnson (played by Miranda Otto) who's in charge of the place but have no choose to leave due to the rig haven't been producing any oil. The rest of the oil rig crew John Davis (played by Jared Padalecki), Alex Rodney (played by Tony Curran), Jeremy (played by Kirk Jones), Ian (played by Gregory House....I MEAN Hugh Laurie). Sammi (played by Jacob Vargas), James Liddle (played by Scott Michael Campbell), Rady (played by Kevork Malikyan), Dr. Gerber (played by Paul Ditchfield), Newman (played by Martin Hindy), and Kyle (played by Bob Brown) all aboard the plane to Beijing along with addition passenger Elliott (played by Giovanni Ribisi). On route to Beijing they come across an approaching sandstorm. Instead of turning around back to the oil rig, Towns decided to fly over the sandstorm. Continuing on through the sandstorm, one of the plane's engines starts get torn apart until the repeller flies off the engine and comes cutting into the hull of the plane. The plane starts to loose altitude bumps into a rock formation busting open the cargo bay door. Causing the cargo consists come flying out of the plane tearing the tail of the plane apart; while the same time one of the passengers Kyle gets pulled out of the plane and falls to his death. The plane continues to loose altitude until it makes a crash landing, Towns checks on the passengers to find all but Dr. Gerber and Newman (who have die from the crash) are all OK. After the storm passes, the survivors have salvaged what's left in the plane leaving up to some food and water that'll last 30 days at minimum and set up a small camp. Towns figures out that they're somewhere in the middle of the Yol Valley about 200 west of their course and that Langhu is a few hundred miles south from where they are. One of the survivors Jeremy suggest that he can walk to Langhu but another survivor Rady warns him that will be most ill-advised to attempt considering the extreme conditions of the Gobi Desert. In the middle of the night John goes out to urinate until he trips on a rock falls downhill away from the camp becoming completely lost....somehow. The follow morning the survivors are about to look for him but another sandstorm approaches and then the film cuts to John dead from the storm. A little bit later everyone starts to have doubts about any rescue coming for them, this leads to Jeremy and Ian leaving with some of the water but Towns stops them. A struggle breaks out which ended up breaking the container losing the water, the arguments raged on until Elliott stops everyone. He after studying the wreckage plane he has constructed a plan to take the undamaged starboard engine and build a new plane out of it. Everyone seems to agree on this plan but Towns is too skeptical about this plan and does nothing to support it.

Later that day the survivors take notice that Liddle has gone on his own, Towns takes the initiative to go look for him and bring him back. After walking for miles following Liddle's trail, Towns come across the cargo consists that fell out of the plane along with the dead body of Kyle. Which on closer inspection Towns notice some bullet holes on the body and some bullet casings lying around. Liddle appears telling Towns that he's not going back; the two argue to a stalemate until Towns finally breaks that they'll build the plane if Liddle comes back with him. And as a sign of good gesture Towns gives Liddle his watch and could give it back when they get home. Upon the two returning to the camp, everyone starts building the new at nightfall. So far they're getting a good start but with all that work has diminish their water supply ever more. The next night they continue the construction until one of the fuel barrels exploded due to a few sparks from a campfire came in contact. With that in order to save fuel for the plane they have no choose but work in the day. They managed to separate the port wing from the old fuselage and successfully attach it to the starboard engine. One plane building music montage later, Kelly spots something over a hill and goes tell the others. Towns, A.J., and Rady investigate and see that they're smugglers or possibly gun runners. Everyone wants to make a bargain with them for some water but Elliott sees this as too dangerous especially with the possible risk of losing the pilot. They still want to bargain with them so A.J., Ian, and Alex go to the smugglers' camp while Towns scouts around the camp keeping them cover with a pistol. The three arrived to the smugglers' camp negotiating with the smugglers, all seemed going well until Liddle was following Towns and spots one of the smugglers with his watch which Kyle burrowed before he died. Liddle startled the smugglers and one pulls out a gun at A.J. but Alex pushed out of the way before the smuggler pulls the trigger resulting Alex getting shot. Towns opens fire on the smugglers and managed to kill all but one who escapes. The four carried Alex back to the camp trying to help him but Alex eventually dies. Back at the smugglers' camp they scavenge what they can find until Kelly comes across a wounded smuggler and her and Rady brings him back to camp. A protest breaks on rather to keep the smuggler around or send him back to his camp but Elliott solves this problem by shooting the smuggler in the head. Now I know that was really harsh but I gotta side with Elliott here the smugglers flat out murder a guy and they suspiciously want to know where the plane is. Do you really think that this smuggler would show some good faith after being saved upon before that was shot and left for dead? Towns and Elliott get into a yelling contest until Towns hits him to the ground. Long story short everything is forgiven and they've finished the plane. So now it leaves to starting up the plane and flying out of the Gobi. Luckily the plane starts up but unfortunately trouble comes knocking when bandits come charging after them, so Towns kicks it into high gear and heads for the cliff for take-off. The plane flies off the cliff and flies away into the distance, the film ends with pictures of the survivors rejoining their live.

My Final Verdict: This is how you do a remake, just take the story from original and just bring it into modern day. It's OK to make a little changes but don't change too much to the point of obscurity. OK folks next time it's gonna be special as next time's gonna be my 50th film review. Finally after three years of reviewing I'm at the 50th review mark and I'm not telling you what film I'm reviewing just to add some attention. So until then folks stay tuned.