That's right folks after three years of putting it off I’ve finally get to review Teeth. Was it worth the wait? Well let’s find out.
We start off in a suburban home where we're introduced to Dawn and Brad as children who are step-siblings and immediately you'll notice that Brad is gonna be a asshole when he grows up. We cut to present and the now teenage Dawn O’Keefe (played by Jess Weixler) given an abstinence speech to kids. Yeah Dawn is part of an abstinence group called The Promise and is a rather popular girl in the group. A few scenes that follow Dawn and Tobey (played by Hale Appleman) start becoming attracted to each other. So much so that later back home Dawn has a fantasy of marrying Tobey....weird. The following day Dawn tries to have a conversation with Brad (played by John Hensley) but that falls short when Brad basically wants......to.......have.......sex with her. Ugh yeah I know they're not siblings by blood but ewww. At a lake Dawn calls Tobey to come and see her and Tobey arrives there shortly after. The two go for a swim until they start kissing, they come across a cave and continue kissing until push comes to shove when Tobey proceeds to rape Dawn. ABSTINENCE guarantee to turn your horny teenager into a possible rapist. I don't mean to get political here but serious the whole "wait until marriage to have sex" promise is just not gonna stick especially when it's horny teenagers. You might as well have them wear Battle Royale explosive collars to make it stick. Anyway Dawn struggles to get away but Tobey has a good hold and starts penetrating her until.....until.......well this is gonna be tricky to say this. All of sudden there's a squelching sound and Tobey starts to scream in pain, Dawn panics and pushes him away and....... We see Tobey's penis is already bitten off and lying on the ground. Tobey freaks the hell and runs out of the cave, Dawn confused and scared leaves the cave and heads home. The next day Dawn goes to another speech but is still confused of what happened and just leaves. Dawn returns to the lake with Tobey's car still there but no sign of Tobey. She walks to a cliff and decides to discard the purity ring completely sworn off abstinence given that she was almost rape by a guy who he himself was abstinence I don't blame her. And also if that kinda situation happens this will get you thinking quite a lot. Dawn does some research on the net and comes across the term "vagina dentata" or toothed vagina. Dawn goes to visit a gynecologist to have her vagina check to get a clear understanding of what's going on with her body. The gynecologist starts to examine her but Dawn starts to panic and SQUELCH the toothed vagina bites on the gynecologist's fingers. And man does it have a good grip as the gynecologist tries to pull out (NO PUN INTENDED) while Dawn is being dragged around on the examination table. The gynecologist finally gets free with four of his fingers bitten off and starts screaming vagina dentata for some reason.
Dawn freaks out and leaves the room and bikes on home, Dawn notices some police cars heading to the lake where she and Tobey were. At the lake she sees the police discovering the body of Tobey, his penis was nowhere to found. Back home Dawn is about to tell her parents but find her mom on the floor unconscious while Brad (not giving two shits to call an ambulance) is porking some random chick. Did I mention that Brad's an asshole? After that Dawn heads to Ryan (played by Ashley Springer) and tells him everything that's been going with her recently including her toothed vagina problem. Right afterwards the two start having sex and trust me it's not out of nowhere as I'll explain a little later. We cut to a hospital where the gynecologist is getting his fingers reattach, as he is asked what happened he instead takes the oxygen mask and takes a good whiff of that sweet anesthetic gas. I guess if I ever got my fingers bitten off by toothed vagina I be too embarrass to say a damn word either. We cut back to Dawn about to leave to tell the police but Ryan persuades her to have more sex and they do. But that gets interrupted when Ryan's friend calls, it turns out that Ryan made a bet that he would have sex with Dawn despite her vow of abstinence. Oh and earlier before they had sex the first time Ryan gives her a pill which is obvious a date rape drug judging on how woozy Dawn was. Yeah nice going guy just flat out say GOTCHA while your penis is still in her vagina and speaking of which.....SQUELCH! Out of anger and embarrassment her vagina takes a bite out of his penis and leaves his house, yeah I hope that bet was worth it guy cause it's gonna be awhile for you to do that again. Back at Dawn's house her dad tries to kick Brad out but he's not having none of that as he unleashed his dog on dad mildly injuring him. At the hospital Dawn gets the bad news that her mother passed way, her dad shows up to get patch up. Dawn finds out what happened from her dad and Brad's girlfriend and heads back home. Dawn shows up in Brad's room and proceeds to seduce him, Brad takes the advantages and have sex with her and you can already guess how this is gonna end. Brad gets his penis bitten off and Dawn's vagina spits it out for Brad's dog to have a nice balance lunch.......yeah. Dawn leaves and hits the road on her bike until it gets a flat and then she hitches a ride. The ends with Dawn arriving at a gas station and tries to get out of the car but gets hit on by a rather horny creepy old man so she decides to fix that problem if you know what I mean.
My Final Verdict: I love this film quite a lot, I don't know why. I guess it's the fact someone took a concept as silly as toothed vaginas (which for me are well known from hentais) and made it possible for live action. Even though we don't see the toothed vagina in our own minds we can see as clear as day. This film really good sense of humor that isn't shoved in our face but rather has some nice subtle. Well that's my 50th film review and here's to 50 more reviews to come starting with G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra coming up next time stay tuned.
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