I'm gonna say this right off the bat this film is just pitiful. Yeah I'm jumping way ahead of myself but giving that I've researched this character from my tradepaper copy of Return of Superman I have every right to. To start in the book before the events of Death of Superman, John Henry Irons was saved by Superman after he saved a fellow high steel worker. John says to Superman that he owes him his life and Superman responds "then make it count for something." This inspired John to repay Superman for saving him; during the last moments of Death of Superman John sees Superman fighting Doomsday. John attempts to save Superman but was buried under rubble but managed to crawl himself out. After the Death of Superman event Metropolis goes into utter disarray with Superman "dead"; John finally gets to make up that repayment. Using his weapons engineering skills, John builds an armored suit and dawns the name Steel to protect Metropolis in Superman's name. There's more in this backstory but I'll get to them during this review.
We open on a U.S. military testing ground where a tank enters the area; from a distance a gun appears firing a laser and some weird bolts of sparkling stuff at the tank. After the test we're introduced to John Henry Irons (played by Shaquille O'Neal), his partner Susan "Sparky" Sparks (played by Annabeth Gish) whom I'm assuming doesn't exist in the comic. And the most obviously the film's antagonist Nathaniel Burke (played by Judd Nelson). Now if you're familiar with Steel you can clearly see what's wrong here. First, though he is a weapons engineer but at the same time is not with the military where as in the comics he's a weapons engineer for a military corporation. And not only that and this is a bit of a nitpick but the weapons here are peashooters compare to the giant BFGs in the comics that can turn your torso into a crater. Seriously freaking Duke Nukem would want two of these things. Anyway we cut to the testing of a sonic cannon which fires an ultra-low frequency burst of sound energy. Capably of taking down an army without killing them. And here's another problem here the film has John Henry Irons making weapons that don't kill which I've find that silly considering he works for the military. In the comics Irons made weapons that kill but soon becomes disgusted when innocent people are being killed by the same weapons he designed. Then eventually leaves the company when he discovers he's weapons being sold to terrorists by the same company he worked for. Now this makes sense where as in comparison to this film they made him a pansy and yet still makes lethal weapons. Well giving that he works for the military what do you usually make weapons for? Oh I don't know.....TO KILL THINGS. Anyway Burke insists to fire the cannon but beforehand without Irons and Sparks notice he re-calibrates the cannon to a higher power setting which Sparks explains has not been tested yet. At the last second Irons sees the power setting and tries to stop him but Burke fires the cannon. The sound burst hits an abandon building but for some reason ricochets off that building to the same building Irons, Sparks, and Burke are in. OK one sound doesn't work that way, yes sound does bounce off other objects. But sound doesn't ricochet off objects like it's a freaking bullet. The sound burst cause the ceiling to collapse burying Sparks in the process. Irons hulks the frak out and lifts up the rubble but the film abruptly cuts to a court room scene. Editing, what's that? Irons is on the stand telling the judge what happened, so in a flashback Irons saves Sparks but she has sustained severe spinal injuries and her legs have been crushed. Irons then tells the court that he noticed the cannon was re-calibrated by Burke therefore Burke is dismissed from the military. Irons decides to leave the military after what happened to Sparks and move back to Los Angeles. That's right not Metropolis Los Angeles, I guess it's because that Shaq was with the L.A. Lakers at the time this film was made. That or writers were too lazy to use Metropolis as a far more proper setting for this film. We cut to Burke in L.A. at an arcade company which apparently is a front for illegal weapons selling. Burke approaches the weapons seller in charged Willy Daniels (played by Steve Mattila) with a proposal of selling new generation of weapons. The same weapons that Irons design and somehow Burke has the blueprints he took from the military to make them. OK just how exactly did he stolen classified military weapons blueprints, I'm pretty sure they would be missing something that important. And also I didn't mention earlier Burke is not a character from the comics which I explained in my Supergirl review is my personal pet peeve. Now the antagonist from the comic was a Dr. Angora Lapin (alias White Rabbit) who worked for the same weapons company as Irons. After Irons left she took his designs of a BG-60 gun prototype and began building newer versions of this gun to be sold to street gangs in Metropolis. Furthermore, Irons and Lapin had a romantic relationship at one time which she uses this to her advantage against him. You can already see how this could have made a far better Steel film than what we got now.
While walking to his grandma Odessa's house, Irons comes across his little brother Martin (played by Ray J). They arrived at grandma Odessa's (played by Irma P. Hall) who is making a soufflé, now I find this confusing yet funny considering that in the comic Irons' grandparents are rather dead. Do you just love adaptations being incredibly inaccurate to the source materials? Back at the uhm......evil gun dealers/arcade place, Burke tests out a new prototype laser peashooter. Despite a little accident with the gun backfired a guy testing it, Willy is impressed with the results. Willy's assistant does not approve of Burke's methods but he doesn't take that well as a bit later he has the assistant killed off. Later we cut to Irons, Martin, and a cop friend Norma (played by Tembi Locke) heading to a town meeting until Norma gets a call of a bank robbery in progress. At the bank we see an armored Humvee carrying masked men armed with Irons' weapons. They began their raid on the bank as a police car arrives to the scene. Irons and the others arrive at the scene to witness the cops being gun down by the masked men. Irons gets out of the police car and attends to the cops Martin follows suit. As the masked men make their way to the armored Humvee Norma drives her car in front of the Humvee prevented the masked man from escaping. But that was no good when of the masked men fires the sonic cannon at the police car flipping it across the street. Irons immediately heads towards the car and saves Norma before the car explodes. Irons spots one of the masked men who stood behind to grab some more money. The masked man starts running away but Irons gives chase; this chase continues until the two ended up at a train area. The masked man open fires on Irons and he takes cover, the masked man then fires a sonic pulse at the train Irons is hiding behind causing the it to fall on him. But Irons rolls out of the away in time; he catches up to the masking man as he attempts to question him. But unfortunately Irons gets shot in the shoulder by another masked man and the two of them escaped. The next day Irons gets info on the masked men from Martin who is apparently a bunch of well-known street gang. Irons heads to the gangs' hangout attempting to question them about the weapons but none of aren't talking so Irons leaves. It's revealed here that this gang is working for Burke. Later Irons visits Sparks at a VA hospital, he tells her that the weapons they designed are on the streets and needs her help to find the persons making them. She refuses to help but Irons is not having any of that and carries her out of the VA. OK guy not sure if carrying an inpatient out of the VA like that is even legal but whatever. We cut to Irons and Sparks at a junkyard setting up a HQ with the help of Uncle Joe (played by Richard Roundtree, my how the mighty have fallen). After an armor making montage, Irons is ready for action as Steel. We cut to a wealthy couple being robbed by a mugger; the mugger runs off to a construction site close by and is confronted by Steel. And on the first glimpse of the suit there are so much wrong with it. The most obvious one is that the S is not there; yeah in the comics there are a few incarnations where his suit doesn't have the S but still. That's like not having Superman flying and not having his cust....oh wait (Smallville). Another problem is the mask; I mean really they had to make his mouth uncovered. Oh yeah like no one is not gonna try to ID him that way or anything. Not to mention he doesn't even bother to disguise his monotone voice, oh for sure no one's not gonna recognize that voice at all. And lastly it does appear that the palms of his hands are not even covered, oh yeah don't worry about things like leaving palm-prints behind.
Anyway Steel takes down the mugger and returns the stolen items to the wealthy couple. He overhears Uncle Joe about a gang fight at Hill Street and heads there. Upon arriving at the scene, Steel intervenes with the fight and scare off the first gang. The second gang opens fire on Steel with no prevail; yes guys don't bother aiming for the uncovered mouth just shoot everywhere else. Gees you're making the Storm Troopers from Star Wars look like Allan Quatermain. The gang goes ahead and run him over but fails as he takes his hammer converts it into a sonic gun and shoots the car. The gang gets out of the car and tries to shoot him again but he activates an EM field inside the hammer. Making all their guns to fly out of their hands and attaching to his suit. That's very handy considering that the car in front of him seems to be remarkably not effective by the EM field. Continuity, what's that? Now there is a minor fight scene between Steel and the street gang but it's really not impressive especially when Shaq is moving around in that suit like the Tin Man with arthritis. The street gangs all run away and the police soon arrived to the scene. They attempt to arrest Steel but makes his getaway by......firing a grappling cable to a building and rappels up and away. OK....that's really stupid. This film couldn't have him make some rocket boots. Hell flipping Super Mario Bros had those Stompers which makes people jump high/float around and that film was made in 1993. You mean to tell me that between then and 1997 they couldn't make something similar for Steel to easily fly around in. Yeah it would look silly but at least they'll be a bit practical. It’s far more practical than 7 ft. tall man wearing an 800 pound metal suit on a thinly ass grappling cable. Steel makes it to the roof makes a run to jump to the next building and almost missed the ledge. I still think a pair of stompers would be much more effective. The cops arrive to the rooftop but Steel makes it to the other side of the building and rappels downward. But as soon as he's half way down the cable breaks and he falls into a large garbage bin. I still think a pair of stompers would be much more effective. He makes it out of the bin when more cops show up. He makes his escape on his motorcycle that's conveniently parked next to that same garbage bin. I'm not even gonna bitch about that. Anyway Steel gets away from the cops and makes it back to the junkyard. The next day news is spreading fast about the giant armored hero which gets Burke's attention to vise a plan to get rid of him. Later we cut to Steel and Uncle Joe on patrol in an unmarked moving van. I'll wanna bitch on how inconspicuous that sounds but I'm just about spent moving on. We cut to Burke's men taking out a circuit breaker for the Federal Reserve building. OK Irons keeps talking about how his weapons could be used to harm people and so far aside from a couple of cops getting hurt the worst these guys have done is robbing banks. I don't know about everyone else but that is pretty lame and a waste of technology. Anyway Steel and Uncle Joe gets the call from Sparks and the two head to the Federal Reserve. Burke's men entered the building and make their direct withdraw, they're about to make their getaway but are cut off by Steel. They open fire with their "weird bolts of sparkling stuff" at Steel to no effect. AIM FOR THE UNPROTECTED MOUTH STUPIDS! Steel fires off some tear gas at Burke's men........yeah sorry not making the S.W.A.T. 4 "AH YOU FOOL" joke here. One of Burke's men in the Humvee readies a sonic cannon and fires at Steel knocking him on his ass. A police car shows up to the scene and one cop attempts to arrest Steel. One of Burke's men shoots down a police helicopter that arrived on the scene. The helicopter falls and is about to crash on the cop but Steel runs right toward him and tackles him out of the way. Wow they should got some distance away from the burning helicopter huh? Steel makes his escape on his motorcycle which happens to be at scene somehow. Continuity is not this film's strong point is an it? Steel eventually gets away and returns to the junkyard.
While Burke's men have been robbing banks with these weapons he's been transmitting videos of these robberies to mafias and terrorists. Gaining a rather large interested in these weapons. Irons returns to grandma Odessa's about to get some rest until an S.W.A.T. team breaks in to the house and arrested Irons with physical evidence that he's behind the robberies. Really that was the best plan Burke can thought up, framing Irons for the robberies. Apparently he knows Irons' identity, where he lives, and the thought of firebombing the place wasn't sufficient enough for him. MOST PATHETIC VILLAIN EVER! So Irons is thrown in jail and you know what this adds nothing to the film because Sparks immediately gets him out so I'm skipping here a bit. Sparks discovers about anonymous videos and came across some info on a weapons auction happening tonight. Irons and Uncle are en route to the auction which located at an old factory. Suddenly Sparks gets by one of Burke's henchman; apparently Burke has been tracking them down to their HQ. Irons and Uncle Joe lost contact with Sparks but continue on to the factory. There Steel sneaks into the place and comes across the auction in progress. A henchman sneaks behind him and blast him with a sonic burst, knocking him down to the auction area. Burke does best cartoon villain shtick until Steel tricks him to switch on the EM field in the hammer. So Burke is REALLY that stupid, getting easily fooled like a village idiot left in charge of not pushing the History Eraser Button. And also really Steel you didn't make any wrist-blasters; I mean Steel in the comics had a wrist-blaster. Just in case that one primary weapon he carries around gets taken from him. But wait THERE'S MORE BULLSHIT! As soon as Burke orders his men to kill Steel, Sparks has a surprise for them. Apparently she made this new wheelchair armed with Irons' weapons and starts blasting the bad guys. OK she couldn't just use this wheelchair of death before she got captured? And what if that one henchman decided to play it smart and taken her without the wheelchair of death? Anyway a gunfight breaks out between Steel, Burke, and his henchmen. Burke plays the cartoon villain card again as he has Martin as a hostage the whole and attempts to make his escape. But Martin manages to get away from Burke and he and Steel are reunited. Burke attempts to kill them both with a newer, bigger sonic cannon. But Steel turns his back towards Burke causing the sonic burst to ricochet right back at Burke, knocking him on his ass, and getting buried by flaming rubble. Again sound doesn't work that way. Steel and Martin escape the burning factory and reunite with Sparks and Uncle Joe. As for the terrorists at the auction they've been apprehended by the military. The film ends with Irons and others celebrate at grandma Odessa's place for some nice soufflé. And at this point I have cease to care for this complete and utter waste of my time.
My Final Verdict: Just what is it with DC Comic films? When it comes to the likes of Superman and Batman they have some really good films. Now I say SOME because well there are a few that pretty much shit. My point is when comes to DC films based off characters such as Supergirl, Catwoman, Jonah Hex they're just stagnant. Steel is no different; this film is just weak in its execution. The dialogues are jaded considering that's how most shitty 90s films were. Leaving the film with really repugnant one-liners and goofy puns coming from the characters' mouths. Some of the touchy moments in the film fell between not adding up to anything to just come to an abrupt stop. The villains (or the lack thereof) are just painfully pathetic. Shaq is just a a big waste in this film. Not because he's a good actor in a shitty film. But because of the fact that he's not even a decent actor or an actor in general is why he's such a waste. His performance is pitiful and his monotone voice is no help to have me think otherwise. It’s like every scene he's in he sounds like he just woken up from a power sleep after a Lakers game. And let's not forget of how his performance in the armor is just degradingly poor. As an athlete he would think to train and rehearse in the suit to not move like an arthritic elephant. Freaking Peter Weller from Robocop had to train and rehearse on how to move like Robocop while in the suit. Shaq is only in this film because of his popularity as a basketball player and the film will keep reminding you on that aspect. I'm not gonna be specific of what I'm talking but I will put it like this. WE GET IT SHAQ YOU CAN'T MAKE THE FREE THROWS FOR SHIT AND GUESS WHAT NOBODY CARES!
Well I've talked about this piece of trash good enough and I don't think I feel taking on another film from the DC Comic shit pile. So instead I'm looking into two animated films that for some reason have more of a Final Fantasy vibe than The Spirits Within. Next time we dive into Ark, stay tuned.
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