I'm gonna be honest here I kinda like the Thunderbirds TV series; I'm not quite a huge fan. But if a person can get popular with a show with puppets on strings and models I got nothing but respect. Now the Thunderbirds the live action film on the other hand I got more respect for a broke dick dog than this film let's find out why.
But first let's have a drinking game; the rule is simple and this is anyone who's a fan of the TV series. If there's any scene in the film that makes ZERO sense that you'll be scratching your head to the brain take a shot. Got it? Then let's get started. We open on Wharton Academy in Massachusetts where we're introduced to Alan Tracy (played by Brady Corbet) whom for some reason (aside from lazy writing) is NOT a part of the International Rescue team. Ugh.......why? Is this like Batman Begins it's an origin story film, if so that's stupid because in the show HE'S ALREADY A MEMBER! And take a shot. My god this kid has the most punchable face I've ever seen; he bet not be related to Bella Swan now. Basically all Alan does in the film is to bitch and whine of why is not an IR member yet and feel free to take an early shot. Alan and his friend Fermat Hackenbacker (played by Soren Fulton) (and I'm gonna be doing a lot of bitching on this character later) hears from another student that the Thunderbirds are on TV, he heads to where most of the students are gathered to see. We cut to an oil rig off shore of Russia where Thunderbirds 1 and 2 have arrived to rescue the oil rig workers. Thunderbird 1 is piloted by Virgil Tracy (played by Dominic Colenso) and Thunderbird 2 is piloted by Jeff Tracy (played by Bill Paxton) and you can already see what's wrong here. Why is Virgil piloting T1 Scott is the primary pilot and why is Jeff piloting T2 Virgil is the pilot? And why in the holy blue balls is Jeff out in the rescue field he's the guy who co-ordinates the rescue missions from Tracy Island? And go ahead and take about 3 shots there. I know I shouldn't be nitpicking everything here but it’s just the little things they screwed up here just pisses me off to no end. They manage to rescue the workers and put the fire out and dropped off the workers at a hospital. But little do they know that one of the workers has planted a tracking device on T1 as they head back to Tracy Island. Back at the academy Alan and Fermat are picked up by Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward (played by Sophia Myles) and her butler Parker (played by Ron Cook) and head off to Tracy Island. At the island surprise surprise more bullshit, we're introduced to Ray "Brains" Hackenbacker (played by Anthony Edwards) who has a rather insulting stammering problem. And I know Brains has this in the series but it's barely noticeable and subtle and trust me there's difference between being subtle and being insulting. And real punch in the balls here he has a son Fermat.....WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY! JUST WHEN DID BRAINS EVER KNOCKED UP A WILLING HELLHOUND THAT BIRTHED THIS DORK, WHAT PROPOSE DOES THIS LITTLE PUNK STAIN SERVES IN THIS FILM?! SERIOUSLY HAS THE FILM MAKER EVER WATCHED THE DAMN SERIES BECAUSE SOMETHING TELLS ME HE HAS NOT! Let see here take about 2 shots here. Anyway the Tracys are having dinner and......OK seriously aside from Jeff and Alan I can't even tell who's who among the other Tracys. They all look like a bunch of pretentious boy-band wannabes and what kind of a fail is this if you can't identify any of the other Tracys? And take a shot. Alan feels pissy of how his brothers are flying around in the Thunderbirds and he's not and leaves. A little bit later we're introduced to Kyrano (played by Bhasker Patel) and his daughter Tin-Tin (played by Vanessa Hudgens) both who are NOT Asian like the series fuck you very much film and take a shot. And yes I'm aware that Alan and Tin-Tin are involve romantically; oh yeah that part from the show they get it right while everything else gets butt-fuck for the sake of lazy writing. Alan and Fermat sneak into one of the hangers and aboard T1, they goof around with control until Alan starts up the engines by accident which gets him in trouble. And you know how these crappy family films go; kid throws a hissy fit, parents’ gets resentful and blah blah blah and take a shot.
We cut a submarine arriving at Tracy Island and we're introduced this movie's villain The Hood (played by Ben Kingsley). He orders a missile to be fired at Thunderbird 5 (which is a monitoring station in space) in order to lure the rest of the Tracys away from the island. John Tracy calls the island for help after T5 is hit by the missile and the Tracys head into space in Thunderbird 3. Alan, Tin-Tin, and Fermat spot the submarine surfacing and just runaway for some reason. Hood's men have infiltrated the island compound and have taken full control. Alan and the others have sneaked into the compound through the vents leading to the center control room. With the island under his control, the Hood sets his plan to rob the largest banks in the world by using the Thunderbirds. Leaving IR responsible for these robberies, this is mainly for revenge when the Hood reveals to Jeff that he left him for dead while he saved his brother Kyrano. Yeah that means the Hood is Tin-Tin's uncle and yes this is from the series even though their only HALF brothers. And also I fail to believe that these two are brothers considering that the Hood is portrayed by a British white guy and Kyrano is portrayed by an Indian....FAIL and take a shot. Jeff and the other Tracys are left adrift in space as they only have 4 hours of oxygen left. Alan and the others are caught but escape through the entrance silos which leads them to T2 hanger bay. Sealed off in the hanger bay, Alan uses the Thunderizer on the T1 silo door for the three to escape through the service tunnel. They're just about out but the Hood stops them at the exit but Alan hits a switch to the T1's exhaust port the three escapes to the ocean. The three plan to sneak back into the compound in order to get to the island's satellite station and hack into it to regain control to T5. While as for the Hood's plan is stalled as it turns out Fermat took out T2's guidance processor meaning that T2 won't be able to take off. Later at Penelope's country mansion, she takes notice that IR have not responded to any crisis that's been going on. So Penelope heads out to Tracy Island to investigate the problem. Back on the island Alan and the others are heading through the jungle to the satellite station. Tin-Tin sees a rather shitty CGI scorpion on Alan's shoulder, she process to get it off safely by....by.....sigh. OK folks you’re gonna need a whole bottle for this one and be sure you're not nearby any blunt and/or sharp objects because this will piss you off so bad your brain will commit mass murder. She uses her MENTAL POWERS to get the scorpion off safely from Alan, apparently she has the same powers as the Hood. There are no words to describe so much bullshit that just occurred well except that this scene has forced me invent a new meme for such indescribable stupidity. I present to you a BULLSHIT EX MACHINA because for one SHE NEVER DISPLAYS SUCH POWERS ON THE FUCKING SHOW! FUCKING PAY ATTENTION ON WHAT SOURCE MATERIAL YOU'RE ADAPTING! Sigh. OK if there's anyone who’s not in an alcohol coma right now let’s continue on. Alan and the others made it to the satellite station and gain access but the Hood's henchwoman intercepts their signal and cuts them off. The Hood's men show up that the station but Alan and the others get away and head to a junkyard. Alan and Fermat salvage a hoversled and attached a small hull to it. They get away from the Hood's goons but Alan is driving too fast the small hull breaks off leaving Tin-Tin and Fermat behind to get caught. Back in space T5 starts to lose orbit and has 37 minutes until re-entry while they have only have 30 minutes of oxygen. Back on the island Penelope and Parker arrived and are confronted Hood's men. A fight breaks out which I must be honest the fight scene is pretty good but unfortunately this scene is in context of this rather pathetically goofy film. Penelope and Parker are winning the fight but are easily taken out by the Hood's mental powers. Sensing that Alan is nearby Hood orders him to surrender the T2's guidance processor or he'll kill Penelope and Parker. With no choice, Alan complies. Alan, Penelope, and Parker are put in a meat locker with the others while the Hood carries out his plan.
A little bit later Parker manages to unlock the meat locker door and everyone escapes. In the central control room Alan and the others brought back control to T5 saving Jeff and the Tracys just in time. With the Hood on his to London, Alan, Fermat, Tin-Tin, and Penelope head after him in T1. In London the Hood uses The Mole (a tunneling machine) to reach the Bank of London's vault. However, the Mole drills through one of the subterranean supports of a monorail causing it to stop dead. T1 arrives and Alan, Tin-tin, and Fermat take over T2 and rescue the people on the Monorail. The monorail snaps off the track and falls into the Thames, Alan quickly heads out in Thunderbird 4. The Hood and his goons arrived at the vault and begin their plundering. Back in the Thames Alan reaches the monorail and uses T4's magnetic claws to pull it to surface. After the rescue, Alan and Jeff go after the Hood. Back at the vault the Hood is confronted Penelope but she's easily taken out his goon without any resistance. Ugh......OK either she forgot that she's a kick ass secret agent or the writers of this film did, TAKE YOUR PICK! And take a shot. Jeff Confronts the Hood but is quickly taken out leaving only Alan to confront him. The Hood does his best Darth Vader force choke on Alan...lame until the Hood starts to get weak from over using his powers. Alan climbs up the Mole but Hood uses his power to start it up leaving Alan to quickly jump off and grab on to the ledge of a catwalk. As the Hood is about to kill Alan, Tin-Tin arrives at the vault and stops him with her powers which breaks out to a really lazy mental battle. And HELL NO I'm not making any Scanners reference this film has fail to earn that privilege long ago. Anyway this causing the catwalk to get unstable and breaks halfway; leaving the Hood now hanging on a ledge. The Hood plays some goofy mind game on Alan to let him die but Alan saves him away. After that the Hood and his goons are put to jail and Tracys leave in their Thunderbirds apparently free of being blamed of what just happened. Back at Tracy Island Alan, Tin-Tin, and Fermat are now IR members, Jeff gets a call from the president and the Tracy sons head out in the Thunderbirds and the film ends.
Usually I do My Final Verdict route but I thought I do something different on this review. Remember the show’s opening intro, how they do that countdown while showing off the Thunderbirds? Well here's my little countdown on why this film is monumentally pitiful.
5. The characters and their performances: You can easily tell this film was focusing on Jeff, Alan, Tin-Tin, and Fermat while the other Tracys were being cardboard cutouts. Even when their names are call out you still can't identify them and you'll just be left saying who the fuck was that. And worst of all the film maker decided to invent random character that are in truth not needed, irrelevant, pointless to have around. Not to mention they take up screen time of the title characters which would lead to their characterization and performance to be from sub-par to just poor. This film would have done slightly better if these random characters were taken out completely. Now the only two characters that shown any accuracy from the show were Lady Penelope and Parker and they're barely in the damn film.
4. The Thunderbirds themselves: I have to say they did a good job on modernizing the vehicles. However, the way they're textured they look like shiny plastic toys in comparison with the vehicles from the show. That's right the vehicles from the show look more realistic from the film, that's saying a lot.
3. It's just another crappy family flick: Let's be blunt right now the TV show as much as how it's just puppets and models it's no campy campy kids show. I mean the whole family would find this entertaining no doubt but it's not some no substance kid show we got today. The show itself is rather a serious show; it has people endangerment, gun-play, torture, and possibly death. The problem with this film it's taken from a serious and entertaining show and turns it into basically Disney Channel, making pointless changes to get families to watch it. And yet it fails because it's so repetitive with oh so life lessons of work as a family, or work as team, or you need to learn how to blah blah blah blah and bullshit.
2. The Story: It's just so dull and sometimes feels repetitive; even the villain's storyline is terribly bland. This film's story barely stands up to the stories from the TV series; it's practically a 95 minute bad episode of the series.
1. Overall: Judging by the year it was made its obvious this film was a lazy Spy Kids cash-in. If you wanna watch a Thunderbirds film I recommend the TV shows' two of its own films Thunderbirds Are Go and Thunderbird 6. Yeah you're just being watching puppets acting and all but these films makes more sense than this kiddified garbage.
Well that's one piece of shit stain reviewed but sadly there's another piece of shit stain to review. Next time it's back to the shit list that is the DC Comic films as we look into Steel. Just be sure to sober up by then, stay tuned.
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