Hits & Misses: Kingsman The Golden Circle

Hit: Movie starts off with an exciting action scene.

Real Talk: Bad guy loses robot arm. They don't make robot arms like they use to.

Hit: Eggsy's dating the Sweden Princess from the first movie, good for him.

WTF: That was a weird scene transition, going from a bag of weed to a dense jungle.

Real Talk: Talk about being thrown into the meat grinder.

LOL: Also I'm getting Ricky Oh flashbacks.

Ewww: Poppy makes a burger out of the guy who was thrown into the meat grinder.

Ewww: Poppy makes the another guy eat the literal manwich.

Miss: Worst "make over" ever. Never heard of anesthetics, Poppy?

Miss: What a minute, a bunch of good guys getting killed off and what's left of them are salvages what they can to beat the bad guys. Suddenly I'm getting G.I. Joe Retaliation flashbacks.

Hit: Hi Harry!

Miss: "Character suffers amnesia" cliche.

Hit: Killer Robot Dogs

Hit: Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Elton John!

LOL: While on a mission, Eggsy ask his girlfriend approval before sleeping with another woman.

Real Talk: Well at his defense at least he was being consent.

Miss: This is the weirdest way to plant a tracking device on....anyone.

Hit: Welcome back, Harry!

Miss: Harry's off his game.

Hit: Bad ass Whiskey

Real Talk: Many reasons why I'll never ride an aerial ski lift, this movie shows ten of those reasons.

Miss: Whisky's death lasso gives me Ivan Vanko (Whiplash) flashbacks.

Miss: The US president is a dick, he wants druggies to die before signing an agreement to let Poppy cure them.

Hit: At least this movie wasn't trying to meat fist in Anti-Trump allegories.

Hit: Looking good, Merlin.

Miss: "Character stupidly steps on a land mine" cliche. And I fail to see how that happened considering the heroes brought a mine sweeper.

Miss: Bye, Merlin.

Hit: Elton John gets a bad ass moment.

Real Talk: Poppy's lackey's got a bad ass robot arm but Winter Soldier he is not. Also his arm is not as sleek and cool as Winter Soldier's.

Miss: "Ally has an evil hidden agenda" cliche

Hit: This movie's soundtrack for every fight scene.

LOL: Getting Ricky Oh flashbacks, again.

Hit: This time nobody gets a manwich.

Miss: Elton sure does swear a lot.

Hit: Eggsy gets married, good for him.

Hits & Misses: The King of Fighters

DISCLAIMER: When I first reviewed this movie it really wasn't a review at all. So here's my legit review of King of Fighters.

Real Talk: This movie is a little too cheap to be called King of Fighters, King of Lazy Film-Making is a bit more accurate.

Miss: Discount Matrix/Sword Art Online...that's essentially what this movie is. No actually tournament with actually fighters, just normal people in some glorified Matrix/SAO Simulator.

Miss: No offense to Maggie Q but they really couldn't find any other Asian actress with big enough breasts to play Mai Shiranui? Also what's with the hooker outfit she's wearing in this fight?

Hit: But in hindsight at least they didn't whitewash Mai. This will have a point later.

Miss: What's with the weird electrical powers from Mai, I'm pretty sure she doesn't do that in any of the games. Good job shitting on the source material movie.

Miss: *This movie's opening credits.* Am I watching King of Fighters or an Avatar The Last Airbender knock off?

Miss: Here's Iori Yagami whom doesn't seem to have red hair in this movie. Accuracy, what's that?

Miss: *Turns out that two of these three mystical relics can open a door to another dimension, leading to the creation of the King of Fighters tournament.* OK...but why though? What practical applications does a dimensional tournament has in this movie's real world? Will this be beneficial to the homeless, to the sick, will children receive better education? Did they even explore this dimension before it was deem safe to start a tournament? Are there even any inhabitants in this dimension. Also is this dimensional fighting tournament available for everyone or just fighters only? 

Miss: Also, also is it me or am I getting Super Mario Bros. movie flashbacks.

Miss: They dragged Ray Park into this movie.

Hit: Also Ray Park.

Miss: This mirror relic is a door to the dimension that Rugal needs yet he carelessly uses it to beat up Iori with it.

Miss: If the Kusanagi Sword (one of the three relics) was a fake then why couldn't Chizuru Kagura have all three relics be fakes? Would've stopped Rugal from getting into the dimension. But then again this would've been a short movie.

Miss: Chizuru: "Rugal's going back in, people will die if we don't find the real sword." Mai: "It's just a game." Chizuru: "Not if someone submits to the Orochi, it'll turn into a death match." Then why the hell would you have a fighting tournament in a dimension where a demon is trapped and that it can become unsafe for everyone if someone submits to said demon?

Real Talk: Chizuru: "Without the true Kusanagi Sword Rugal can't free Orochi." Then just don't go get the real sword or just hide it. Either way Rugal's long gone and has no means to free Orochi, just shut off from the dimension and bam movie over.

Miss: Kyo Kusanagi, Japanese high school fighter from the KoF games, played by a random white guy in this movie. Also if I was Mai I be like "yeah right, where's Saisyu's real son?" What, you say that's racist? Well that's what happens when studios pointlessly racebend established characters for no narrative reasons.

Miss: So Chizuru did try to shut down the tournament but Rugal just magically takes it over anyway. The fuck is this guy Discount Akihiko Kayaba?

Miss: I get it movie, Mature and Vice are lesbians if you were any less subtle this might as well turn into a porn scene.

Miss: Despite the warnings from Chizuru to NOT accept new challenges, Mature and Vice go into the tournament anyway. I guess common sense is a foreign concept in this movie.

Miss: *Rugal intimidating Mature and Vice in a street hockey outfit.* I don't know what this is but it's neither intimidating nor funny. Also this is a waste of Ray Park's time with this character.

Hit: At least the Rugal vs Mature and Vice fight scene is OK.

Miss: Vice is forced to tell other fighters that "it's safe" to go now and none of them don't ask Chizuru to be sure. Again common sense is a foreign concept.

Miss: Terry Bogard, the bad ass Legendary Hungry Wolf fighter from the Fatal Fury/KoF games, some random CIA guy in this movie. If you think that's bad what until you see his in-tournament outfit.

Miss: Chizuru talking to Terry: "Rugal is consumed by the Orochi." Hold on, earlier Chizuru said that with the Kusanagi Sword can Rugal free Orochi. Rugal doesn't even have the sword so how exactly is he "consumed by the Orochi"? What's that....what's that sound I'm hearing....is that the writers throwing away the script?

Miss: Mai: "What about Kyo?" Iori: "Kyo's a half-breed." Uh in what way, Iori? That he's half white and half shitty casting choice?

Real Talk: So Kyo's father was in the tournament many times. This begs the question of how long has it been around? Because if it was around for decades (maybe longer) then how can fighters enter the dimension when those bluetooth earpieces were probably weren't invented at the early times of the tournament.

Miss: Mai talking to Kyo: "Someone's trying to harness the Orochi power and if Rugal succeeds we may never have a chance to stop him." But it's established that he needs the sword in order to do so, which he doesn't have. And so far he hasn't come out of the dimension to get the sword. Did no one in editing notice this plot hole, did no one call for re-shoots, was the director too lazy off his ass to give a shit? Why is this movie established a plot point if it's gonna forget about it later on?

Real Talk: Kyo's gonna make Rugal pay. Dude you got owned by Mai not too long ago, you have a better chance of fighting a tree sloth.

Miss: Iori enters the dimensional tournament still doesn't look Iori from the games. But then again how does he fight with leather strap attached to his legs?

Hit: Iori vs Mature and Vice.

Miss: *Mai and Terry at an abandon fish cannery as a field office.* You wanna know if a movie is on a shitty budget, if there's a scene that literally points it out. And no that doesn't excuse the movie at all.

Miss: I know I suppose to care for Kyo but this character's portrayal in this movie and the actor's performance are just so pitiful.

Hit: Rugal talking/fighting Kyo: "That's not fighting. Technically that's you taking a beating." Well he's not wrong, I mean Kyo did got his ass handed to him by Mai.

Real Talk: Why do I the feeling that this entire movie is just one big padding?

Miss: Chizuru: "Rugal is close to merging our worlds." Guess I'll add Discount Mortal Kombat Annihilation to this shamelessly made film.

Real Talk: Chizuru if you saw Mai kicking Kyo's ass earlier you wouldn't even bothered giving him encouraging speeches.

Miss: Terry's outfit in-tournament makes him look like a redneck Marty McFly. Hell his hat's not even metal plated.

Miss: I sure Rugal is threatening and dangerous in the games but in this movie he's like a Discount Freddy Kruger.

Hit: Terry and Mai vs Mature and Vice.

Miss: Movie please be clear of your story, is the Orochi a demon or an evil power?

Miss: Yes movie, further ruin Terry by making him a complete pussy.

Miss: *Rugal breaks the Kusanagi Sword.* But I thought it's the only thing to free Orochi? Oh that's right the writers threw out the script.

Miss: Magical Sword Ex Machina. 

Real Talk: (With the expectation of Mortal Kombat, Dead or Alive and maybe Tekken.) It really shouldn't be too hard to make a live adaptation of a tournament fighting game. But these filmmakers just somehow find a way to fail something so easy to do.

Hit & Misses: Suicide Squad

I'm gonna get the misses out of the way first.

Miss: This movie tried way too hard to make Deadshot funny. I get it movie Deadshot is played by Will Smith, that's no excuse to kiddified the character. Also Arrow had an actor who played Deadshot a lot better.

Miss: Also also Deadshot is just Will Smith playing Will Smith playing Deadshot in this movie.

Miss: The fight between Batman and Deadshot gave me Jersey Girl flashbacks.

Miss: Rick Flagg is kinda a pitiful character if he's easily manipulated by the V.

Miss: So the world almost got destroyed because Waller was dumb enough to have Enchantress on her Task Force X.

Miss: With all these scenes featuring Batman it's almost like this movie was original met to be a Batman movie.

Miss: The final fight scene is great and all but why couldn't the Enchantress just magically blast the Suicide Squad away? Was fighting them hand-to-hand really the smartest way to do it? No, the answer is no.

Miss: So Slipknot and Katana don't get those fancy backstory/visual narrations? Just say a few lines of dialogue and accept it. And you wanna know something else, these characters could've been written out of the film and nothing wouldn't be miss.

Miss: Slipknot was quickly brought in the movie only to be quickly killed off later. What a waste.

Miss: Batman and Joker don't fight each other in this movie.

Miss: Instead of making Killer Croc as big as house they made him some normal size dude with a face of a Goomba from the Super Mario Bros movie.

Miss: To be honest they could've dropped Joker out of the movie. I mean he really had no effect with the story. Granted he provided a good backstory for Harley but after that he's just taking up too much screen time.

Miss: *Waller orders Deadshot to shoot Harley* He's gonna miss on purpose, He's gonna miss on purpose, He's gonna miss on purpose, He's gonna miss on purpose..... And Deadshot missed on purpose.....PREDICTABLE!

And now for the Hits.

Hit: Harley Quinn

Hit: BEST CALLBACK TO ALEX ROSS' WORK!

Hit: Batman vs Deadshot

Hit: El Diablo

Hit: Harley Quinn pulls an awesome "FOOLED YOU" moment.

Hit: Deadshot's got some amazing grouping skills, Revolver Ocelot would be proud.

Hit: Katana

Hit: Amanda Waller

Hits & Misses: Spider-Man Homecoming

Hit: The Spider-Man theme music makes its appearance!

Hit: Vulture's origin story during the aftermath of the first Avengers movie.

Hit: Damage Control!

Miss: Although this begs the question of where were Damage Control this whole time? Also how do we know they aren't Hydra? Me sense a retcon.

Hit: Civil War Recap from Peter Parker's perspective.

Hit: Sorry everyone but Tom Holland is the better Peter Parker/Spider-Man. All thanks to how the character was handled/written.

Real Talk: OK pay no attention to the race change, it doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me......

Miss: ....And it's bothering me, it's bothering me a lot! Why the hell is Flash Thompson a scrawny brown kid?!

Hit: Hi Shocker!

Miss: Bye Shocker....

Hit: Hi new Shocker!

Hit: Also see how they bring in multiple villains without being a clusterfuck to the story (i.e. Spider-Man 3).

Hit: Tony's new armor has the same color scheme from Ultimate Iron Man.

Real Talk: What's Tony doing in India?

Miss: I understand that Aunt May is pretty hot but dear god does everyone have a boner for her?!

Hit: Also Aunt May is hot.

Miss: "Penis Parker" What kinda insult is that? WEAK!

Miss: This Michelle character really disturbs me.

Hit: Vulture's motives are rather admirable for his character.

Hit: All the Spider-Man vs Vulture fight scenes.

Miss: Spidey makes an oopsie.

Hit: Mac Gargan

Miss: Ned has an ugly phone contact photo.

Real Talk: It would've been awesome if Spidey and Falcon team up against Vulture.

Real Talk: So with the new Avengers facility what's gonna happen to Avengers Tower?

Hit: Hi Pepper!

Hits & Misses: Jurassic Park III

Real Talk: The only reason how this movie has any plot is because most of the characters are made of dumb.

Miss: So Isla Sorna is deemed restricted by the Costa Rican government yet haven't take any measures to keep people away from the island. Hence why there's a couple of dipshits para-sailing near the island.

Miss: The boat's approaching towards an out of nowhere spooky fog but they don't bother to just turn the boat around and go the other way.

Miss: *Eric asked what happened to the guys on the boat.* You're para-sailing near an island of dinosaurs the fuck do you think happened?

Real Talk: *The boat doesn't explode after crashing into a mound of rock.* Hmm...usually things explode when they crash into other things.

Hit: Alan and Ellie are back.

Miss: Sadly they're not married or have kids together.

Miss: Also "dumb annoying children" cliche.

Hit: Ellie bellybutton shot

Miss: Alan: "No force, on Earth or Heaven could get me on that island." You say that now but wait until the green comes a calling.

Miss: Paul Kirby should've hired better guys, like the Avengers or at least the Expendables, just saying.

Miss: Udesky: "Nothing to worry about sir, it's gonna be a walk in the park." Bullshit it will....

Real Talk: Pollux Troy sure has grown a lot more of a looker since Face/Off.

Real Talk: So does this movie pre-dates the 3D Printer?

Miss: Paul: "No, you're the best, you've seen these animals in the flesh. There's no one even comes close to you." Well that's a damn lie considering there's Ellie, Ian Malcolm, Sarah Harding, Roland Tembo and Nick Van Owen. They've seen these animal in the flesh yet Alan was the first person to go to. What if he actually said no would the Kirbys go to the others who've been up close to dinosaurs?

Hit/LOL: Alan Grant is familiar with Darwinism.

Miss: If this is the movie's way of establishing Alan's PTSD from the first island, a talking Raptor in a dream was a dumb way to do it.

Miss: Amanda Kirby stupidly uses a megaphone as if no carnivore's gonna hear that from miles away.

Miss: These guys sure were the best, Udesky and Nash come running out of the jungle back to the plane. And Cooper's all bloody and crying before being eaten by a Spinosaurus.

Miss: Also this line from Udesky. "Cooper's a professional, he can handle himself." Yup, he sure did handled himself, Udesky.

Miss: *A T-Rex appears and Alan tells the group not to move but they all run after it roars.* If  this was meant to be funny please try again.

Hit: T-Rex vs Spinosaurus

Hit: Paul gets punched in the face by Alan and rightfully so.

Miss: So Paul didn't even bother to confirmed if Alan was on Site B or not, just assumed that he was and Shanghaied him into going.

Real Talk: Tea Leoni has a nice body, too bad her acting in this movie almost ruins it. Almost.

Miss: Yes Amanda, let's split up while there's a shit ton of animals that can kill and eat you in that order. What an excellent idea!

Miss: I know these are concerned parents looking for their child but for the love god they need to stop yelling while in a jungle full of carnivorous creatures. The fucking Predator wouldn't have any trouble tracking these two with their constant yelling.

Miss: So this one raptor was standing perfectly still behind an incubation tank just waiting anyone to show up. Guess the movie needed a cheap, predictable jump scare. And just how long that raptor was standing there? What if no one came along would it just keep standing there for shits and giggles?

Miss: Hey remember that scene from the first movie where Alan, Lex and Tim were running away from a herd of herbivores? Let's copy and paste that scene in a much inferior sequel.

Hit: No joke there are some nice moments between Paul and Amanda.

Miss: There's no way in hell that Paul's satellite phone can be heard that loudly while inside the Spinosaurus' stomach. Unless that Spinosaurus has really thin stomach and muscles this should not be possible.

Miss: Also how did they not heard this big dino coming from a mile away? A dinosaur that big is not that stealthy to just pop out of nowhere without making a sound.

Miss: Oh bullshit, that Spinosaurus busted through a giant fence with no problems but can't break through a dinky metal door. How fucking convenient.

Hit: I'm surprised that Billy didn't go full "greedy scumbag" cliche and try to kill Alan (or the others) to keep the raptor eggs.

Miss: Clear and visible when they run into a small building, dense out of nowhere fog when they're crossing a bridge.

Real Talk: As Ian Malcolm would said it best, "Now that is a one big pile of shit."

Miss: Alan tells Ellie's kid to give the phone to her only to get easily distracted by Barney The Dinosaur on TV. Yeah to be fair kids are distracted by the simplest shit but still a miss. And a really stupid way to build tension.

Miss: Earlier in the movie the Kirbys went to the Costa Rican government and the US Embassy for help but didn't do anything. Now near the end after Ellie calls god knows who and the Marines and the Navy show up in no time at all. Who did Ellie called to get this rapid response while Paul and Amanda gotten zero help from any government officials? Also do these armed forces have permission from the Costa Rican government to be on Site B?  

Real Talk: Pay no attention to the Pteranodons flying off to god knows where, they're never mentioned in the later Jurassic movies.

Hits & Misses: The Lost World Jurassic Park

DISCLAIMER: I love the first Jurassic Park that I just can't bring myself to do Hits & Misses of it. However, I don't have the same respects for the sequels and yes this includes Jurassic World.

Miss: So there was another island (Isla Sorna) where dinosaurs were being grown. And this wasn't mentioned in the first movie why exactly?

Miss: "Rich British Family" cliche

Hit: Hold on, is that Ethan Rayne from Buffy The Vampire Slayer?!

Miss: Oh yeah let your little girl wonder off on an island with god knows what's gonna happen to her. Like being attacked by a swarm of Compsognathus for instance.

Hit/LOL: Not gonna lie this is a hilarious scene transition to Ian Malcolm.

Hit: Hi Tim and Lex, it's too bad that you're in the rest of the movie. But then again it's probably for the best to stay far away from this wonky ass film.

Miss: So John Hammond was keeping Site B safe from human interference for four years. Yet couldn't be bothered set up perimeter to pervert people from stumbling to the island by accident.

Miss: Obviously Ian doesn't want to go to Site B, so let's throw in a plot device to change his mind.

Hit/LOL: Ian: "Where you're going is the only place in the world where the geese chase you."

Real Talk: Kelly: "She doesn't even have Sega." Man fuck Sega, back then it was all about the PlayStation.

Miss: Tim and Lex were at least endearing and helpful in the first movie. Kelly is just dead weight in this movie and no taking out that one raptor with her gymnastics doesn't count. That was just plot convenience.

Hit: Gonna give credit to this movie's soundtrack.

Real Talk: Ian: "Oh yeah ooh, ahh. That's how it always starts. But then later there's running and then...screaming." Ian Malcolm would be excellent in Hits & Misses.

Miss: I respect Julianne Moore but I hate her character, Sarah Harding.

Miss: Sarah: "We're here to observe and document not interact." Says this AFTER messing around with a baby Stegosaurus. Dipshit.

Miss: Sarah: "Dinosaurs were characterized very early on as vicious lizards." Well giving to what happened in the last movie, yeah they kinda are. Well the carnivorous ones anyway. And it's not like the dinosaurs in this movie won't be any less vicious. Forgot about the two stegosauruses that were trying to kill you earlier?

Miss: If Ian's the only main character trying/wanting to get off an island of dinosaurs your writing's kinda fucked.

Hit: Roland Tembo, why wasn't he the main character in this movie? His backstory is straightforward (hunting the T-Rex) and has a bit of a character arc later on.

Miss: I understand what the movie's trying to do, making InGen the bad guys as they're rounding up the dinosaurs like defenseless cattle. However, here's where it just doesn't work. All of the dinosaurs are property of InGen as in the company that genetically bred them in the first place. Meaning InGen can do whatever they want with them regardless.

Miss: Dieter asking about the Compsognathus: "Is it dangerous?" 

Burke: "Nah, I wouldn't think so." Bullshit it ain't dangerous! Did you not hear about that little girl being torn to shreds by these things?!

Miss: Oh sure, let's release these dinosaurs out of their cages. What could possibly go wrong?

Miss: Oh look, the dinosaurs are running amok and wrecking up the InGen camp. Totally didn't see that coming.

Miss: *Ian struggling to talk to a woman on the radio.* 

Kelly: "Boy is she mad at you." Hey dipshit, since you can speak Spanish about actually help out your dad instead of standing there being a smart ass.

Miss:  Oh yes just ignore that phone call from Ian. I mean it's no big deal just that two pissed off T-Rexes are heading your way.

Miss: Ian: "I'm coming right back, I give you my word."

Kelly: "But you never keep your word." Well fuck you too you little shit. Seriously is this movie purposely making Ian a bad/deadbeat dad so arbitrarily? If so please stop, it's not endearing.

Miss: I bet Sarah and Nick feel like total dipshits for bringing that baby T-Rex back to their trailer. Yeah they were helping the poor thing but still.

Miss: No way that glass would still hold after Sarah makes a hard fall on it.

Hit/LOL: Ian: "We need rope!"

Eddie: "Anything else?"

Ian: "Yeah, three double cheeseburgers with everything!"

Nick: "No onions on my!"

Sarah: "And an apple turnover!" OK, that was funny.

Miss: Eddie is eaten by the T-Rexes.

Miss: Ian: "Five years of work and a hundred miles of electrified fences couldn't prepare the other island." Actually that island was doing just fine despite being almost operational. It's just it took this one guy hacking the computer systems to fuck all that up.

Miss: Nick: "It's looter mentality, all you care about is what you can take. You have no rights." Well not true Nick because again these dinos are InGen property they can do whatever they want. Even Ludlow makes that point. Point being that these guys are doing their jobs. 

Miss: Why did the movie felt it was necessary to described the raptors as if the audience forgot what they look like?

Miss: Sarah: "The Rexes may continue to track us if they perceive a to themselves or their infant." Says this while failing to realize that her jacket has the baby Rex's blood on it. Meaning that the Rexs will track them anyway. Roland notices the bloody jacket and she doesn't even get rid of it.

Miss: Dieter did not need to go that far just to take a piss. And now he done got himself lost like a dumb ass.

Hit: Not gonna lie this movie does a good job making these Compsognathus scary as fuck. They're like piranhas with legs.

Miss: And now Sarah realizes the blood just as the Rexes arrived to camp. Jackass.

Miss: Just how exactly did Nick managed to remove the two bullets from their casings? And without anyone noticing him messing with Roland's gun?

Miss: Also you mean to tell me that Roland didn't bring any extra bullets just in case?

Miss: Ajay: "Don't go in to the long grass!" Says this while going in to the long grass. Idiot....

Miss: And after our main characters are rescued, Nick just disappeared from the rest of the movie.

Miss: Some dipshit unknowingly releases the T-Rex from the cargo hold. Nice going, Jackass.

Miss: I'm sorry but if any child sees a T-Rex out the window they be screaming their heads off and go running to their parents. Not stare out window and then calmingly walk out the bedroom as if they just pissed in the bed. At least Tim and Lex had the proper response when seeing a T-Rex.

Miss: Kid: "There's a dinosaur in our backyard." Yeah could you say that again but only in panic and fear instead of creepily standing there like a robot?

Miss: Why would this bus driver think he can just out run the T-Rex?

Miss: *A group of Japanese men running away from the T-Rex* Get it...it's a Godzilla reference!

Miss: *Ian and Sarah speeding away from the T-Rex*

Sarah: "Ian, slow down a little." ........WHY?! And also fuck no!

Miss: They actually called Animal Control for a fucking T-Rex. I don't know if I should find that funny or retarded.

Miss: And just what was Ludlow gonna do when he found the infant, give it candy? Also you mean wasn't aware of the parent heading back to the ship?

Miss: You know your writing is fucked when I don't even care that you killed off the greedy corporate guy.

Hit: No joke, Sarah with that big tranquilizer gun is kinda hot.