DISCLAIMER: Let me tell you right now I have no knowledge of Vampirella outside of Wikipedia, pin-ups and cover art. I've never read the comics and considering that she's been revised/retconned by different publishers over the years I just don't got that kind of time to research them all for this movie. So instead I'm coming at this film as a moviegoer. I know it's disappointing but at least I'm not that YouTube twat who plays feign ignorance on comic based movies.
Hit: Movie's title design is spot on from the comics, nice!
Real Talk: So in the comics (and this movie) Vampirella comes from another planet of vampires. Might wanna buckle up for some Lifeforce jokes.
Hit: Oh hey, Angus Scrimm (the Tall Man from the Phantasm series)!
Hit: Gotta give this film's credit for exposition through casual conversation instead of assuming that the audience has ever read the Vampirella comics.
Real Talk: The actor playing Vlad is like the go to scene chewing actor whenever Bruce Payne is unavailable.
Miss: *Vlad's crownies breaks out of a execution trail and kills the council members.* Suddenly I'm getting Man of Steel flashbacks.
Hit: Gotta give credit to Talisa Soto with the role she worked with. Any other actress in the 90s would've been meh for the role.
Miss: Ella's father talking to her as he's dying: "Don't destroy your soul to avenge this act of madness." I don't think that speech is helpful, considering that the rest of movie is Vampirella hunting Vlad and his gang.
Hit: Talisa Soto is rather hot with fangs and red eyes.
Real Talk/LOL: Vlad: "There. Third one from the sun." You mean as in 3rd Rock from the Sun?
Miss: In present day LA, the vampire hunters' secret HQ is in a thrift store. I'm sure no one won't stumble upon this HQ by accident at all.
LOL: HQ's elevator has a sexy female voice.
Hit: Gotta give credit to the costume department for Vampirella's outfit. Clearly had more budget put in to it than Titans Starfire's outfit which is just some cheap purple hooker dress. And bare in mind this was made 1996 while Titans premiered in 2018. It just comes off rather sad that a B-movie from the 90s had an actual budget for the title character's outfit than a 2018 TV show that probably had to cheapen a few things to save money.
Miss: No offense to Talisa Soto but they could've find an actress with slightly bigger breasts? I mean let's be honest here most people recognize/identify Vampirella by her skimpy outfit and her stacked rack. The film's director, Jim Wynorski went on record that Talisa's very pretty and sexy but she wasn't Vampirella. That the studio forced him to put her in the role. Furthermore, he wanted Julie Strain to play Vampirella (which I can see her pulling it off) but the studio didn't think she meant anything.
LOL: "Miss T&A"
Miss: Even in the 90s the nerd stereotype was in full bloom.
Miss: *Ella kisses Ackerman before she leaves.* I'm not Ackerman in this scene.
Real Talk: Ackerman: "Ella...a vampire girl.... Vampirella." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title drop.
Miss: So Traxx (one of Vlad's men) is married with kids, how can a vampire have kids? Oh god this movie made shitty rules of vampire/human copulations before Stephanie Meyer did.
Miss: Uh Vampirella...I'm pretty sure that pillar Traxx landed on missed his heart. Could you at least check to be sure he's dead? No...just turn into a bat and fly away, huh? OK then.
Hit: Vampirella booty shots! Now there are a lot of them in the movie so I'm just gonna chalk them all up for the sake of time.
Hit: That's an interesting use of holy water, inject it in a vampire and watch them melt.
Hit: *Vlad (going by the alias Jamie Blood) is singing in Las Vegas.* Well the guy maybe evil but he's got a hell of a singing voice.
Hit: Also Jamie Blood is a bad ass rocker name.
Miss: Ackerman came up the name Vampirella while she's already long gone. So there's no way she heard him say it or just came up with the name before coming to Vegas. Maybe she has super hearing but it's not like the movie established that.
Miss: So those shackles stops Vlad from turning into a bat but doesn't stop him from using any other vampiric powers like mind controlling the convoy driver into crashing the transport. That's a convenient design flaw.
Real Talk: *In Vampirella's flashback, astronauts came across her life support pod on Mars.* Well this is familiar, a couple of astronauts discovered a beautiful space vampire. I can only guess where this is going.
Real Talk: Vampirella: "I hypnotized the crew, making them completely forget about their discovery. When the shuttle landed I turned into a bat and flew away." Was that before or after you had space vampire sex with the crew? And was one of the crewmembers name Carlsen?
Hit: *Sallah strips naked as she arrives at Vlad's hideout.* Vampire boobs!
Hit: Say what you want about this movie but at least there's an explanation of why Vampirella is able to being out in the sunlight without turning into charcoal. Unlike some other adaptation where vampires can just be out in the sunlight somehow and that they sparkle like emo disco balls for some reason.
Real Talk: *Some vampire chick in Adam Van Helsing's apartment shows off her tits at him before he's knocked out by another vampire chick.* You know what if I was in his situation I would've just go went it and not question it.
Hit: Also more vampire boobs!
Miss: Oh yeah that's totally Adam in this exchange scene and not one Vlad's lackeys in disguise. That's not an obvious demonic voice, he just has a sore throat or something.
Miss: Sallah makes a good point to kill Vampirella but Vlad picked a bad time to be the Bond villain by having her locked up with Adam.
Miss: All that vampiric strength yet Vampirella can't even bust down a wooden door.
Hit: Vampirella chained up is kinda kinky.
Hit: Oh hey, there's that bad ass Jamie Blood song from earlier.
Hit: The overall fight choreography is no Guyver 2 Dark Hero but at least it's better than the telegraph game of tag of a fight choreography in the BloodRayne movie.
Real Talk: *Vlad helds up a metal rod after he got stabbed only to get stuck by lightning and then dies.* I guess Raiden must've been watching and decided to lend a hand.
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