Miss: This is not a good sign when it's late at night and it's foggy.
Miss: Oh look at that, a black man in a horror movie. Yeah you can take a guess where this is going.
Miss: So this one guy was sent to inspect an abandoned mental hospital late at night why? Was it too much to ask to just inspect the place in during business hours?
Miss: City Worker: "My mom use to tell me about this place, how fuck up it was. She told me if did anything wrong she leave here." Then why still come to this place if you knew some bad shit about it. That paycheck can not be worth this much of a risk.
Miss: These four cloaked figures were moving/surrounding him rather slowly, he could've easily got up and ran off. But nope he just lies on the ground long enough to get chopped to pieces.
Miss: "Alicia....The Goth, Claudia....The Bitch, Tyson....The Brotha, Phillip....The Punk, Tamara....The Bitch's Friend" The movie's not even hiding the fact of these characters having one dimensional personalities/traits with these labels.
Miss: So these Breakfast Club rejects have three days to renovate a run down hospital. Maybe because I was once a teenager when I say most teenagers tend to get lazy and whiny at doing house chores. Let alone renovating an entire building.
Miss: *Phillip laughing why Claudia and Tamara are in community service.* Tyson: "The fuck you laughing at?" Well clearly not you, are you hoping to have sex with Claudia or Tamara if you score enough Nice Guy points? I mean you're a black guy in a horror movie so chances are you're gonna die before that happens. And also what Angry Black stereotype crawled up his ass?
Miss: Phillip: "Jesus why don't you just chill, Morpheus? Tyson: "Listen motherfucker, just because a black dude dresses up does not mean he's fucking Morpheus." Oh wow a Matrix reference, that won't get too dated within a decade or so.
Miss: So Phillip's entire shtick is making pop culture references that are suppose to be funny only coming off so randomly forced and annoying. Hell I make pop culture references but the difference is they're in context in discussions rather than spurring random nonsense for no reason. And at least most people understand the references I'm talking about.
Miss: Mr Cobb: "A nice religious man is turning this place into a community center." Then why could he just hiring a renovation company to do that? Was getting some Breakfast Club rejects really the smartest way to go?
Real Talk: And since I'm on the subject, has anyone wondered where the city worker went?
Real Talk: *The Breakfast Club rejects have ankle bracelets which will alert the police if they leave the premises.* A group of characters stuck at a place where creepy shit happens.... Eh, 100 Feet did it better and at least that movie has a character whom I sympathize from the start.
Miss: So there's no one watching over these kids at night for safety reasons. How helpful.
Miss: Mr Cobb: "One more thing, stay out of the boiler room." Well that wasn't ominous as fuck at all.
Real Talk: I'm sure there will be some explanations of Alicia's visions but until then I'm not holding breath for this movie to provide them.
Miss/Sarcasm: *Alicia checks a closet only to find nothing.* Oh no, a fake out scare OOOOOOH!
Miss/Sarcasm: * Alicia turns around and sees a zombie....ghost....whatever.* Oh no a predictable jump scare that was deeply underwhelming. THE HORROR!!!
Hit: *Alicia stripes naked and takes a bath.* Even shitty horror movies gotta provide some nudity.
Miss: *Father Patricio quietly opens the bathroom door and spies on Alicia as she baths.* Oh yeah, that's not creepy or pervy at all. Care to let your snake out of the garden while you're at it, Father?
Miss: Obvious CGI snakes are obvious.
Real Talk: *Phillip berates Tyson for playing with BB guns like a poser* I'm with Phillip, Tyson brought this on to himself. Being this one dimensional teenage thug still playing with toys. I hope it doesn't become a turn off to Clauda if she finds out.
Miss: *Breakfast Club rejects began slacking on the job.* See what I mean by lazy and whiny.
Miss: More fake out/jump scares!
Miss: Oh great, Father Horny Eyes is back.
Real Talk: The hell is Cobb doing?! Don't leave the Breakfast Club rejects alone with the horny eye creepo!
Miss: Alicia acts more like a anti-social edgelord than a goth.
Miss: *Tyson shoots a bowl of maggot filled flour with his BB gun.* Good job Tyson, you sure show that bowl of maggot who's the man.
Hit: Oh good, more of Alicia's visions interrupts Father Horny Eyes' preachy bullshit.
Miss: *Tyson and Claudia share their memories of their parents.* I know this scene is meant to be heartwarming and all but these characters are too shitty this scene is more lukewarm than anything.
Real Talk: So Tyson is actually getting some with Claudia, good for him. Probably still gonna die though.
Miss: So far the scares in this movie are really lame.
Miss: *Tamara reads a newspaper clipping about the city worker being murdered at the hospital a year ago.* So there was a newspaper report of what became of him at the hospital yet they still want to renovate the place.
Miss: Tyson wants to have some pillow talk but apparently Bitch ain't in to that.
Miss: This movie tries so hard to add depth to these characters but they start off so shitty and annoying that calling them assholes would be considered polite.
Real Talk: So this abandoned hospital was built where a brothel use to be and that the prostitutes were worshipping an Aztec goddess via human sacrifices. Somehow this makes more sense than a bunch of random hippies summoning a sex demon for no reason.
Miss: There's 30 minutes left in the movie yet none of the characters haven't started dying. Until Dawn didn't take this long to get the body count going. There are slow burns and then there's padding the damn film.
Miss: Father Herbert The Pervert is saying some creepy pervy shit to the point of me wondering does anything have Paul Kersey on speed dial?
Miss: It's not scary for Tamara's doll to up and disappear when you keep cutting to her looking back to see if its still where she left it.
Miss: Phillip: "It's like a goddamn soap opera or something." Is that the reason why this movie is so cliche and predictable as fuck?
Real Talk: *Cobb gets his spine ripped out by possessed Tamara.* About time characters start dying, took this movie long enough.
Miss: Father Enrique claims he tried to warn them about the hospital. Which is bullshit because throughout the whole movie he's being hiding in the shadows for reason aside creating false tension. At no point has this character tried to warn the dead meat kids, Father Sex Offender and Cobb. Sure now he's here to help but maybe he should've done that about two days sooner.
Hit: *Father Enrique cuts off possessed Tamara's head in one move.* OK...that was kinda awesome.
Miss: "A baby carriage...from hell." That line and Tyson's and Phillip's reaction after that line was underwhelming funny than scary.
Miss: So it's revealed that Father Sex Offender was the survivors of a massacre at the hospital as a child. But instead of burning the place down or convince city officials to tear it down he just waits for Alicia to show up and take care of it. All because she's the descendant of one of the prostitutes who was pregnant with twins. I mean yes the movie established that she has a connection to this place but what exactly is she gonna do to stop these prostitutes turn demons? Slut shame them to death?
Miss: Oh great, they killed off the bad ass priest.
Miss: Alicia: "They're not evil." Father Slut Shaming: "They're whores, that makes them evil!" Actually performing human sacrifices makes them a lot more evil so you're both wrong.
Real Talk: Oh no, Phillip dies except I really don't care. He was too much of a shitty character.
Real Talk: Oh no, Claudia is possessed but again don't care, shitty character.
Miss: Really Tyson, your immediate action was to take out possessed Claudia with your BB guns? Retarded is not even a strong enough word to describe this scene.
Miss: *Possessed Claudia's reaction after being stabbed in the forehead with a screwdriver.* Was that meant to be scary or funny because it looked too stupid to be either.
Miss: *Father Dipshit runs towards Alicia's ancestor only to get his neck snapped.* OK, what the fuck did that accomplished? So much for needing Alicia to stop this mess.
Real Talk: Well this is a surprise, Tyson survives in the end, well done. But he's still a shitty character so I don't care.
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