Hits & Misses Halloween: Boo

Real Talk: This movie's good and all but they couldn't come up with a better name than Boo?

Hit: The one time that a fake scare makes sense because the movie takes place on Halloween instead of building up false tension.

Miss: Obviously fake ass moon.

Hit: Normally I question why anyone would go into an abandoned and obviously haunted place but again this movie takes place on Halloween. Anyone will do anything for a good scare.

Miss: How is there any power to this abandoned hospital? Who's paying the electricity, Father Horny-Eyes from Demon Slayer?

Real Talk: Discount Dolemite?

Real Talk: Discount Blacula?

Hit: I've seen movies that had some character who's a has-been actor before. But a has-been actor turned cop, that's a new one.

Miss: Well Arlo's a lousy cop, quickly lying that he's not in the vicinity of the disturbance so he can go home.

Hit: A subtle scare without the annoying music sting and it's not in your face, nice.

Real Talk: Just getting this out there that using an elevator in a horror movie usually never turn out so well.

Real Talk: Dolls and Teddy Bears in horror movies are usually not a good sign. Case in point a ghost girl shows up and Emmett is snatched away.

Hit: Another subtle scare.

Hit: This movie waste no time of getting to the ghosts.

Miss: Allan only brought three extra bullets before going to the hospital to find his sister, Meg. You know even if your sister's in trouble I doubt three extra bullets will make any difference.

Miss: So the reason why these four character came to this hospital was because it's better than going to a fake haunted house. OK...stupid but OK.

Miss: Jessie as she and her friends go into the hospital: "Great, we are gonna be those stupid kids." Hey you said it not me.

Hit: Some of these characters are dicks but they're not quite on the level of being one dimensional asshole stereotypes.

Miss: *Allan finds Emmett's dog dead.* No animal is never safe in a horror movie.

Miss: Kevin and Marie making out on a hospital gurrey. Because having sex at a abandoned hospital is kinky?

Real Talk: Kevin: "Yippie Ki Yay..." Dude, say the line right. It's Yippie Ki Yay, motherfucker, there needs to be a motherfucker after the Yippie Ki Yay.

Real Talk: Oh yes Allan, stick your hand in a hole in the wall. What could possibly happen?

Miss: Movie has a sex scene but don't to see tits, ass or the sex. Boooooo!

Hit: Jessie and Freddy have the common sense to bring a weapon to investigate a loud banging noise. Granted it wouldn't do much against ghosts but still.

Hit: *Haunted clown costume has a normal clown mask in one scene. Has a evil clown mask a couple scenes later.* Subtle.

Miss: *Freddy gets stabbed deep in the back after being push back on a sharp metal rod and he says it's just a scratch.* Either he's the black knight from Python's The Holy Grail or just plain stupid.

Hit: Nice melty flesh effect of Emmett.

Miss: But that weird glow effect was a bit unnecessary.

Real Talk: *"Emmett" explodes after being shot by Meg.* Jesus, what did Allen loaded that gun with, BFG rounds?

Miss: *Kevin smashes his phone after being put on hold, trying to call the police.* Nice going, jackass.

Hit: So this movie pulls a John Carpenter's The Thing with the ghosts taking over any of these characters. Adding the paranoia factor among the characters

Miss: *Kevin shoots the supernaturally locked door only to get hit by a ricochet.* Nice going again, jackass.

Miss: Kevin immediately assumes that Marie was taken over and just shoots her without giving her the chance to prove she's herself. Hell earlier, Meg had to cut Allen's hand to see if he's bleeding i.e. if he's still himself. Yet Meg doesn't do the same for Marie, just kept standing around until Marie got shot.

Miss: Why would they bring Marie's body before trying to get out of the hospital? They do know the term dead weight, right?

Hit: *Marie's blood pours upwards to the elevator ceiling.* Not gonna lie, that's an impressive effect.

Miss: So Jessie, Freddy and Kevin don't see the blood pouring out of Marie up to the elevator ceiling. Hell they don't even hear the dripping sounds of the blood. It's not like they're miles away from the body they're all standing right next to it.

Miss: *Jessie, Freddy and Kevin left the body in the elevator.* Oh wow, so much for bringing Marie along, huh? It's almost like there was no reason to bring her along and was just a waste of time.

Miss: Meg talking to Allan: "They play on your paranoia, making you think that you or your friends aren't who they should be. If you die, they take over you completely." That would've been an important piece of info to share with Jessie and the others earlier. At least then Marie wouldn't have to die by dipshit stupidity. 

Miss: Jessie: "Once they find out what you did to Marie they're gonna send you to jail anyways. My ex-boyfriend's going to jail." Kevin: "What? It was self-defense, Jessie!" Well she clearly wasn't doing anything threatening and was still scare and confused of what's going on. But sure Kevin just randomly shoot her and claim it was self-defense.

Hit: Even Jessie calls bullshit on what Kevin just said.

Miss: *One of Meg's dead friends explodes after Arlo shoots them.* As scary as these ghost possesed corpses are they're not much of a threat if they explode after getting shot.

Miss: Oh yes Kevin, just stick your hand in a hole in the wall. What could possibly happen, besides disappearing off screen that is?

Hit: Oh cool, it's Dee Wallace!

Miss: *Jessie flashback vision of Jacob trying to escape the hospital.* So Jacob's master plan of escaping the hospital was to set the place on fire and force Nurse Russell to hand over the keys. But didn't count on Nurse Russell to throw the keys out the window leaving Jacob and everyone else to be burned alive. What a well-laid plan you had, Jacob.

Hit: Gotta give this movie credit for the gore effects of the dead little girl.

Hit: Gotta give this movie credit for the gore effects of Freddy's hand after he slams it on a wall.

Hit/LOL: Kevin: "The last person I saw that looked like you I shot her in the face." Arlo: "You shoot me in the face and I'll kick your ass."

LOL: Kevin: "Will someone please make that fucking scratching noise stop?!" *The scratching noise stops.* Kevin: "Thank you!"

Miss: Jacob pulls a Freddy Krueger without being Freddy Krueger.

Real Talk: *Meg with a wooden stick knocks Jacob possesed Kevin, setting him sliding at a surprisingly far distance.* That was a hell of a swing there, Meg. You wouldn't be a mutant are you?

Sad Moment: So it's revealed that Meg was already dead the whole time and has been possessed by Nurse Russell. Just...damn....

Miss: *Nurse Russell starts a fire that burns Jacob to the point of exploding.* So fire hurts Jacob...a freaking ghost until he explodes how?

Miss: He even has the burn scars after that. So again, how?       

Hits & Misses Halloween: Vampirella

DISCLAIMER: Let me tell you right now I have no knowledge of Vampirella outside of Wikipedia, pin-ups and cover art. I've never read the comics and considering that she's been revised/retconned by different publishers over the years I just don't got that kind of time to research them all for this movie. So instead I'm coming at this film as a moviegoer. I know it's disappointing but at least I'm not that YouTube twat who plays feign ignorance on comic based movies.

Hit: Movie's title design is spot on from the comics, nice!

Real Talk: So in the comics (and this movie) Vampirella comes from another planet of vampires. Might wanna buckle up for some Lifeforce jokes.

Hit: Oh hey, Angus Scrimm (the Tall Man from the Phantasm series)!

Hit: Gotta give this film's credit for exposition through casual conversation instead of assuming that the audience has ever read the Vampirella comics.

Real Talk: The actor playing Vlad is like the go to scene chewing actor whenever Bruce Payne is unavailable.

Miss: *Vlad's crownies breaks out of a execution trail and kills the council members.* Suddenly I'm getting Man of Steel flashbacks.

Hit: Gotta give credit to Talisa Soto with the role she worked with. Any other actress in the 90s would've been meh for the role.

Miss: Ella's father talking to her as he's dying: "Don't destroy your soul to avenge this act of madness." I don't think that speech is helpful, considering that the rest of movie is Vampirella hunting Vlad and his gang.

Hit: Talisa Soto is rather hot with fangs and red eyes.

Real Talk/LOL: Vlad: "There. Third one from the sun." You mean as in 3rd Rock from the Sun?

Miss: In present day LA, the vampire hunters' secret HQ is in a thrift store. I'm sure no one won't stumble upon this HQ by accident at all.

LOL: HQ's elevator has a sexy female voice.

Hit: Gotta give credit to the costume department for Vampirella's outfit. Clearly had more budget put in to it than Titans Starfire's outfit which is just some cheap purple hooker dress. And bare in mind this was made 1996 while Titans premiered in 2018. It just comes off rather sad that a B-movie from the 90s had an actual budget for the title character's outfit than a 2018 TV show that probably had to cheapen a few things to save money. 

Miss: No offense to Talisa Soto but they could've find an actress with slightly bigger breasts? I mean let's be honest here most people recognize/identify Vampirella by her skimpy outfit and her stacked rack. The film's director, Jim Wynorski went on record that Talisa's very pretty and sexy but she wasn't Vampirella. That the studio forced him to put her in the role. Furthermore, he wanted Julie Strain to play Vampirella (which I can see her pulling it off) but the studio didn't think she meant anything.  

LOL: "Miss T&A"

Miss: Even in the 90s the nerd stereotype was in full bloom.

Miss: *Ella kisses Ackerman before she leaves.* I'm not Ackerman in this scene.

Real Talk: Ackerman: "Ella...a vampire girl.... Vampirella." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title drop.

Miss: So Traxx (one of Vlad's men) is married with kids, how can a vampire have kids? Oh god this movie made shitty rules of vampire/human copulations before Stephanie Meyer did.

Miss: Uh Vampirella...I'm pretty sure that pillar Traxx landed on missed his heart. Could you at least check to be sure he's dead? No...just turn into a bat and fly away, huh? OK then.

Hit: Vampirella booty shots! Now there are a lot of them in the movie so I'm just gonna chalk them all up for the sake of time.

Hit: That's an interesting use of holy water, inject it in a vampire and watch them melt.

Hit: *Vlad (going by the alias Jamie Blood) is singing in Las Vegas.* Well the guy maybe evil but he's got a hell of a singing voice.

Hit: Also Jamie Blood is a bad ass rocker name.

Miss: Ackerman came up the name Vampirella while she's already long gone. So there's no way she heard him say it or just came up with the name before coming to Vegas. Maybe she has super hearing but it's not like the movie established that.

Miss: So those shackles stops Vlad from turning into a bat but doesn't stop him from using any other vampiric powers like mind controlling the convoy driver into crashing the transport. That's a convenient design flaw.

Real Talk: *In Vampirella's flashback, astronauts came across her life support pod on Mars.* Well this is familiar, a couple of astronauts discovered a beautiful space vampire. I can only guess where this is going.

Real Talk: Vampirella: "I hypnotized the crew, making them completely forget about their discovery. When the shuttle landed I turned into a bat and flew away." Was that before or after you had space vampire sex with the crew? And was one of the crewmembers name Carlsen?

Hit: *Sallah strips naked as she arrives at Vlad's hideout.* Vampire boobs!

Hit: Say what you want about this movie but at least there's an explanation of why Vampirella is able to being out in the sunlight without turning into charcoal. Unlike some other adaptation where vampires can just be out in the sunlight somehow and that they sparkle like emo disco balls for some reason.

Real Talk: *Some vampire chick in Adam Van Helsing's apartment shows off her tits at him before he's knocked out by another vampire chick.* You know what if I was in his situation I would've just go went it and not question it.

Hit: Also more vampire boobs!

Miss: Oh yeah that's totally Adam in this exchange scene and not one Vlad's lackeys in disguise. That's not an obvious demonic voice, he just has a sore throat or something.

Miss: Sallah makes a good point to kill Vampirella but Vlad picked a bad time to be the Bond villain by having her locked up with Adam.

Miss: All that vampiric strength yet Vampirella can't even bust down a wooden door.

Hit: Vampirella chained up is kinda kinky.

Hit: Oh hey, there's that bad ass Jamie Blood song from earlier.

Hit: The overall fight choreography is no Guyver 2 Dark Hero but at least it's better than the telegraph game of tag of a fight choreography in the BloodRayne movie.

Real Talk: *Vlad helds up a metal rod after he got stabbed only to get stuck by lightning and then dies.* I guess Raiden must've been watching and decided to lend a hand. 

Hits & Misses Halloween: Full Eclipse

Miss: Max's partner practically signed his own death warrant by announcing he's getting married and is quitting the police force.

Hit/Miss: Jimmy: "I'm getting too old for this." You just had to make that reference.

Miss: Jimmy sure loves to complain, no wonder he's quitting the force.

Hit: *Max crawling through the air duct.* Suddenly I'm getting Die Hard flashbacks.

Miss: That gunman must have bionic ears because otherwise how the hell could he hear noises from the air ducts with club music on full blast?

Miss: Max is falling from the air duct in a way that you can tell he's being lowered on wires. And having the scene done in slow-mo makes it even more obvious.

Real Talk: *Max dual wielding guns.* Was this film's director a John Woo fan?

Miss: "Cop with a failing marriage" cliche.

LOL: "Diet Donut"

Hit: Mysteriously recovered Jimmy don't need no stinking car when chasing drive by shooters.

Hit: Spider Cop, Spider Cop!

Hit: *Jimmy jumps on to the same motorcycle the drive by shooter's escaping then forcing the shooter to crash into a wall. While the same time just having fun with no fucks given.* Awesome or fucking hilariously awesome?

Hit: Pre-Dungeons & Dragons movie Bruce Payne

Hit/LOL: "Bionic X-Men"

LOL: "Dirty Harry on crack"

Real Talk: *Max eyeballing Casey* Well these two are clearly gonna fuck. Don't get me wrong Casey is played by Patsy Kensit and she's hot as hell. Can you really blame Max?

Hit: So basically Garou's group is a bunch of cops who suffered in the line of duty. Only to be brought together by Garou to go on what Max called it "pseudo Charles Bronson vigilante shit". Interesting concept.

LOL: "Bullets and Butthead"

Hit: The group's tac outfits looks a hell of a bit like the X-Men outfits. Even their helmets look a bit like Magneto's. Guess Max wasn't kidding about that Bionic X-Men bit.

Hit: Tactical Slaughterhouse Action

Miss: But seriously what's the point of the these supercops sneaky to a criminal gun sales if they just gonna pop in and slaughter everyone like Wolverine.

Hit: *Max and Casey having Cinemax sex.* A better sex scene than Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1.

Miss: So somehow Max hasn't noticed Casey growling like animal, has fangs and growing bone claws during sex. Or maybe he did and he's somehow oblivious about it. All I'm saying is Max should've shown some acknowledgement of what he just stick his dick in.

Miss: A bit extreme there, Casey. I know you want him a part of the pack but be more subtle than just shooting him.

Real Talk: The original Game Boy, that takes me back.

Hit: Gotta give credit to this film's practical effects, them bone claw effects are very impressive from a 1993 movie. Also was someone on the production team an X-Men fan, that would explain a few things.

Hit: Casey looks like if Sabretooth had a very hot, sexy, bad ass sister.

Real Talk: Garou is such a controlling, abusive asshole to Casey that he makes Edward Cullen look like an altar boy.  

Hit: Garou and the supercops get blown up by a car bomb planted by some mafios only to walk out from the wreckage transformed and pissed.

Hit: *Garou and the supercops in an action pose.* Not much of an exciting action pose but it's a lot better than the one in Twilight Eclipse.

Hit: Garou talking to Max: "This is my brain.... This is you on my brain. Any questions?" 

Hit: Most werewolf movies have people getting infected by bites and scratches. This movie has an interesting concept of Garou creating injections derived from his brain.

Hit: Garou is like a werewolf Bruce Banner, was at the mercy of the lunar cycle but manages to control the transformations. And that he really wants to protect the innocent with his power. Also...because I want to shit on Twilight some more Garou has a more tragic backstory than Edward Cullen.

Miss: As much as Garou's werewolf vigilante justice worked in other cities he's been at. But what's to stop more criminals from taking over those cities? Maybe Garou should've supply his former teams with more injections instead of killing them off.   

LOL: Garou talking to Max: "I need someone to carry on after I'm gone. It's a hell of a gig. Sure you don't want some?" Oh no, I think Bruce Payne is starting to chew the scenery!

LOL: Transformed Garou talking to Max: "Go ahead, make your day." Yup, Bruce is chewing the scenery.

Miss: Oooooh Garou's transformation into a big ass werewolf was not so good.

Miss: If Garou's blood can turn a person into a werewolf completely then why bother with the injections?

Hit: Looks like Max has carry on the Werewolf Punisher mattle.   

Hits & Misses Halloween: Demon Slayer (2004)

Miss: This is not a good sign when it's late at night and it's foggy.

Miss: Oh look at that, a black man in a horror movie. Yeah you can take a guess where this is going.

Miss: So this one guy was sent to inspect an abandoned mental hospital late at night why? Was it too much to ask to just inspect the place in during business hours?

Miss: City Worker: "My mom use to tell me about this place, how fuck up it was. She told me if did anything wrong she leave here." Then why still come to this place if you knew some bad shit about it. That paycheck can not be worth this much of a risk.

Miss: These four cloaked figures were moving/surrounding him rather slowly, he could've easily got up and ran off. But nope he just lies on the ground long enough to get chopped to pieces.

Miss: "Alicia....The Goth, Claudia....The Bitch, Tyson....The Brotha, Phillip....The Punk, Tamara....The Bitch's Friend" The movie's not even hiding the fact of these characters having one dimensional personalities/traits with these labels.

Miss: So these Breakfast Club rejects have three days to renovate a run down hospital. Maybe because I was once a teenager when I say most teenagers tend to get lazy and whiny at doing house chores. Let alone renovating an entire building.

Miss: *Phillip laughing why Claudia and Tamara are in community service.* Tyson: "The fuck you laughing at?" Well clearly not you, are you hoping to have sex with Claudia or Tamara if you score enough Nice Guy points? I mean you're a black guy in a horror movie so chances are you're gonna die before that happens. And also what Angry Black stereotype crawled up his ass?

Miss: Phillip: "Jesus why don't you just chill, Morpheus? Tyson: "Listen motherfucker, just because a black dude dresses up does not mean he's fucking Morpheus." Oh wow a Matrix reference, that won't get too dated within a decade or so.

Miss: So Phillip's entire shtick is making  pop culture references that are suppose to be funny only coming off so randomly forced and annoying. Hell I make pop culture references but the difference is they're in context in discussions rather than spurring random nonsense for no reason. And at least most people understand the references I'm talking about.

Miss: Mr Cobb: "A nice religious man is turning this place into a community center." Then why could he just hiring a renovation company to do that? Was getting some Breakfast Club rejects really the smartest way to go?

Real Talk: And since I'm on the subject, has anyone wondered where the city worker went?

Real Talk: *The Breakfast Club rejects have ankle bracelets which will alert the police if they leave the premises.* A group of characters stuck at a place where creepy shit happens.... Eh, 100 Feet did it better and at least that movie has a character whom I sympathize from the start.

Miss: So there's no one watching over these kids at night for safety reasons. How helpful.

Miss: Mr Cobb: "One more thing, stay out of the boiler room." Well that wasn't ominous as fuck at all.

Real Talk: I'm sure there will be some explanations of Alicia's visions but until then I'm not holding breath for this movie to provide them.

Miss/Sarcasm: *Alicia checks a closet only to find nothing.* Oh no, a fake out scare OOOOOOH!

Miss/Sarcasm: * Alicia turns around and sees a zombie....ghost....whatever.* Oh no a predictable jump scare that was deeply underwhelming. THE HORROR!!!

Hit: *Alicia stripes naked and takes a bath.* Even shitty horror movies gotta provide some nudity.

Miss: *Father Patricio quietly opens the bathroom door and spies on Alicia as she baths.* Oh yeah, that's not creepy or pervy at all. Care to let your snake out of the garden while you're at it, Father?

Miss: Obvious CGI snakes are obvious.

Real Talk: *Phillip berates Tyson for playing with BB guns like a poser* I'm with Phillip, Tyson brought this on to himself. Being this one dimensional teenage thug still playing with toys. I hope it doesn't become a turn off to Clauda if she finds out.

Miss: *Breakfast Club rejects began slacking on the job.* See what I mean by lazy and whiny.

Miss: More fake out/jump scares!

Miss: Oh great, Father Horny Eyes is back.

Real Talk: The hell is Cobb doing?! Don't leave the Breakfast Club rejects alone with the horny eye creepo!

Miss: Alicia acts more like a anti-social edgelord than a goth.

Miss: *Tyson shoots a bowl of maggot filled flour with his BB gun.* Good job Tyson, you sure show that bowl of maggot who's the man.

Hit: Oh good, more of Alicia's visions interrupts Father Horny Eyes' preachy bullshit.

Miss: *Tyson and Claudia share their memories of their parents.* I know this scene is meant to be heartwarming and all but these characters are too shitty this scene is more lukewarm than anything.

Real Talk: So Tyson is actually getting some with Claudia, good for him. Probably still gonna die though.

Miss: So far the scares in this movie are really lame.

Miss: *Tamara reads a newspaper clipping about the city worker being murdered at the hospital a year ago.* So there was a newspaper report of what became of him at the hospital yet they still want to renovate the place.

Miss: Tyson wants to have some pillow talk but apparently Bitch ain't in to that.

Miss: This movie tries so hard to add depth to these characters but they start off so shitty and annoying that calling them assholes would be considered polite.

Real Talk: So this abandoned hospital was built where a brothel use to be and that the prostitutes were worshipping an Aztec goddess via human sacrifices. Somehow this makes more sense than a bunch of random hippies summoning a sex demon for no reason.

Miss: There's 30 minutes left in the movie yet none of the characters haven't started dying. Until Dawn didn't take this long to get the body count going. There are slow burns and then there's padding the damn film.

Miss: Father Herbert The Pervert is saying some creepy pervy shit to the point of me wondering does anything have Paul Kersey on speed dial?

Miss: It's not scary for Tamara's doll to up and disappear when you keep cutting to her looking back to see if its still where she left it.

Miss: Phillip: "It's like a goddamn soap opera or something." Is that the reason why this movie is so cliche and predictable as fuck? 

Real Talk: *Cobb gets his spine ripped out by possessed Tamara.* About time characters start dying, took this movie long enough.

Miss: Father Enrique claims he tried to warn them about the hospital. Which is bullshit because throughout the whole movie he's being hiding in the shadows for reason aside creating false tension. At no point has this character tried to warn the dead meat kids, Father Sex Offender and Cobb. Sure now he's here to help but maybe he should've done that about two days sooner.

Hit: *Father Enrique cuts off possessed Tamara's head in one move.* OK...that was kinda awesome.

Miss: "A baby carriage...from hell." That line and Tyson's and Phillip's reaction after that line was underwhelming funny than scary.

Miss: So it's revealed that Father Sex Offender was the survivors of a massacre at the hospital as a child. But instead of burning the place down or convince city officials to tear it down he just waits for Alicia to show up and take care of it. All because she's the descendant of one of the prostitutes who was pregnant with twins. I mean yes the movie established that she has a connection to this place but what exactly is she gonna do to stop these prostitutes turn demons? Slut shame them to death?  

Miss: Oh great, they killed off the bad ass priest.

Miss: Alicia: "They're not evil." Father Slut Shaming: "They're whores, that makes them evil!" Actually performing human sacrifices makes them a lot more evil so you're both wrong.

Real Talk: Oh no, Phillip dies except I really don't care. He was too much of a shitty character.

Real Talk: Oh no, Claudia is possessed but again don't care, shitty character.

Miss: Really Tyson, your immediate action was to take out possessed Claudia with your BB guns? Retarded is not even a strong enough word to describe this scene.

Miss: *Possessed Claudia's reaction after being stabbed in the forehead with a screwdriver.* Was that meant to be scary or funny because it looked too stupid to be either.

Miss: *Father Dipshit runs towards Alicia's ancestor only to get his neck snapped.* OK, what the fuck did that accomplished? So much for needing Alicia to stop this mess.   

Real Talk: Well this is a surprise, Tyson survives in the end, well done. But he's still a shitty character so I don't care.

Birds of Prey Trailer

I had to Wikipedia this movie just to figure out who these other characters are. That's a complete fail if I had look up these characters instead of easily recognize them on the spot. At first glance it's like Harley abducted a bunch of randos off the street.

If it weren't for the crossbow I'd never recognize that was Huntress instead of some random biker chick. The actress playing Montoya looks old enough to be someone's mom in a soap opera. Unless Montoya's a commissioner in this movie I'm not buying it. Cassandra Cain is reduced to a token Asian who's not a mute. Accuracy, what is that? And Black Canary is black, because screw bringing in existing black characters, right? That would involve studios to not be so lazy and giving a shit.