Hits & Misses: Total Recall (2012)

Real Talk: I was a little lenient when I first watched this movie but that may have changed since 2012.

Miss: The original has this fitting title sequence accompanied by the epic music composed by Jerry Goldsmith. In the remake the movie title just appears on screen with generic sci-fi music playing in the background.

Miss: *Text Narration* The original Total Recall never needed any form of narration, everything was neatly conveyed through dialogues and character actions. I know this is for the sake of worldbuilding but if the remake can't even try to convey information the same way the original did it just comes off as lazy storytelling.

Miss: People behind this movie had the opportunity to make an accurate adaptation of the short story but instead they made a generic copy-and-paste version of the original with topics like Mars and mutants replaced with living spaces and colony. In other words in spite of this movie taking a different approach, most of the scenes will come off having zero narrative impact and predictable as fuck to anyone who has ever watched the original.

Miss: Lori in the remake is just the same as the Lori from the original except here she's a cross between herself and Rictor from the original.

Miss: Resistance Leader Matthias, a/k/a Discount Kuato

Real Talk: Nothing against Bryan Cranston but when it comes to the Cohaagen character he's no Ronny Cox.

Miss: The locations in the original had a unique aesthetic and look in every scene. While this movie has locations that'll give you Blade Runner flashbacks due to how samey looking they are. This movie might as well be a remake of Blade Runner, it be slightly less confusing. 

Miss: The majority of the movie takes place in the United Federation of Britain and The Colony (Australia) yet (aside from Lori) most of the main characters don't have a british or Australian accent. This won't feel weird or jarring at all.

Miss: Quaid from the original was so fixated on Mars that he wanted to move there with Lori. Then when he sees the Rekall commercial he decides to go there to pay for the memories of going to Mars. This version of Quaid has nothing of importance he was fixating on that got him to go to Rekall in the first place. So instead some rando character (Marek) who serves as nothing more but a plot device to convince Quaid into going to Rekall.     

Miss: And since I brought it up, this movie mentions Mars once...that's it.

Hit: SEXBOTS!!!

Hit: A woman with three breasts, a reference from the original Total Recall.

Miss: However, since Mars and to that extent mutants are not in this movie how does this one woman have three breasts? Is it a birth defect? Is the third breast a fake prosthetic? Is it a new form of body mod that women do in this movie? If the worldbuilding wasn't so lazy I shouldn't be asking these questions. The original conveyed that most people on Mars are mutants due to living under cheap domes that don't have enough air to keep out the rays. Hence the three breasted woman in the original.

Miss: The Bob character from the original was essentially a charismatic salesman in convincing Quaid into the Ego Trip offer along with the Mars Package. The Mac character in this movie just undersales it in comparison. And it doesn't help that he out right spoils the movie by saying "You could be working for the Resistance, maybe you work for Cohaagen. Or why limited yourself, why not both?" Not that this movie has anything to spoil if you watched the original.

Miss: Mac can scan Quaid's mind to see if he's hiding anything. But instead of waiting for the scan to finish he just injects the Secret Agent memory into Quaid anyway.

Hit: *Quaid kills the Federal Police as the camera does this long circle panning shot.* Interesting camera shot, a lot better than that shaky cam bullshit. Or those stupid seizure inducing jump cuts in one scene shot. 

Miss: These Federal Police guys set up cameras inside the locked room yet they don't noticed Quaid priming the grenades from the dead cops. Impressive technology these guys have. 

Miss: If only the original Total Recall didn't exist I would've found it surprising of Lori trying to kill Quaid.

Miss: And of course this movie copies Quaid's revelation that he's not who he think he is line for line. Trying something different, what's that? 

Real Talk: Having a phone inside your hand seems cool but that immediately gets ruined when you have to take it the hard way.

Miss: *Quaid finds a case with money, IDs, a disguise and a video message from himself.* Oh yes, this isn't lazily ripping off from the original. Nope not at all.

Miss: Remake rips off the scene where Quaid is in disguise until eventually his disguise glitches out. Only difference here is they put in this overweight woman as a wink wink reference of the original. Whereas Quaid was disguise as an old Asian man until his hologram mask just randomly glitches out upon arriving to UFB just to throw in another action scene. 

Miss: Somehow the flying car chase scene is giving Minority Report flashbacks.

Miss: Scenes in the original had build up and suspense due to the well thought out writing; leaving the story/plot to flow more naturally. The remake on the other hand bum-rushes through plot threads just to hurry up and get to the action scenes. I should be impressed by the action scenes but they just come off as distractions from how hollow the story/plot is in comparison to the original.

Miss: Instead of telling Quaid that the key is to a piano that displays an interactive message, Hauser from the video message was hoping for Quaid would be playing the piano out of curiosity. 

Miss: So Cohaagen's evil plan was faking terrorist attacks to mass produce more Federal Police Synthetics, more than enough to take over the Colony for the living space. I guess colonizing the Moon or freaking Mars was out of the question. Just take over this one free space that'll get overpopulated within a few decades.    

Miss: And here's this movie's biggest fuck you to the original Total Recall, the scene where Quaid is being talk down that he's still at Rekall living out his secret agent fantasy. When the original did it there was a feeling that got you thinking that just may be everything Quaid had experienced might actually be a fantasy the whole time. As for the remake you don't get that feeling because the original already done it but better and far more subtle. 

Real Talk: This is a problem with most remakes these lazy studios and filmmakers make such mediocre remakes, banking on them to be better than the originals. Don't get me wrong there good remakes (John Carpenter's The Thing, 1986's The Fly, Scarface), my problem is that good remakes are super rare. While most remakes these days are either lazy cash grabs or safety nets for studios/filmmakers to never take risks creatively and financially.

Miss: As much as I should care that Matthias is killed, I barely even knew this character to give any ounce of fucks about him. (Aside from being Melina's father if you're watching the extended director's cut.) At least the original conveyed some hints of who Kuato is before he's revealed and had a far more role than just being some resistance leader guy. 

Miss: Oh no Hauser was in on Cohaagen's plan the whole time.... Except I really don't care because I've seen the original so instead this is just a weak plot reveal.

Miss: So the Fall has to do a gravity shift every time it passes the Earth's core. Yet you mean to tell me that none of the federal cops (who have Quaid and Melina at gunpoint) didn't hear the gravity shift announcement? Nor don't have any measures to prevent themselves from free floating when the gravity shift happens? Plot convenience by inapt writing folks! 

Hit: *Quaid vs Cohaagen* Gonna be honest Bryan Cranston's a bad ass in this fight scene.

Real Talk: *Cohaagen dies when the Fall explodes.* I prefer the way Cohaagen died in the original, that was awesome.

Miss: So the Colony has independence now that the Fall is destroyed, ok good for them. But aircrafts do exist in this movie, so what's to stop the UFB from invading via airstrikes? 

Hits & Misses: The Thing (2011)

Miss: Movie uses a variation of 82's theme music but doesn't have the same oomph as the 82's theme music.

Miss: And since I'm on the subject, compare to the 82's soundtrack the 2011's soundtrack is rather weak. It barely builds up any tension or atmosphere similar to the 82's Thing.

Miss: The opening title of 82's Thing was done with practical effects. (The title was placed behind a fish tank which was filled with smoke. While the fish tank was covered with a trash bag which was set on fire.) Whereas the opening title here was done digitally but just not as ominous as the 82's title opening.

Miss: *Halvorson recruits Kate for an investigation at the Norwegian Research station.* So let me get this straight, the research station doesn't have their own paleontologists or just fly one in from Norway. They had to recruit an American paleontologist instead. The 82's Thing never mentioned any Americans working with the Norwegians at the dig site.

Real Talk: Hey is that Tormund Giantsbane from Game of Thrones?

Miss: One of the problems with most prequels is the lack of continuity/consistency with the first movie. For instance, in 82's Thing MacReady and the others discovered from research videos of the Norwegians using thermite charges to dig up the alien spacecraft. Whereas 2011's Thing they just dug up the creature and left the spacecraft buried in the ice. Oh don't worry the movie fixes this problem, unfortunately it's gonna be inconsistent and stupid.

Miss: Halvorson: "Kate... In the future, don't contradict me in front of those people again." Kate: "I just thought..." Halvorson: "You're not here to think. You're here to get that thing safe out of the ice." Well the way I see it, given that the Norwegians had everything ready to go before Kate showed up she barely did her job. Hell she was quite surprised how fast they set up everything to dig the creature out from the ice that she said "you've gotten everything taken care of, I don't think you really need me". Point being they brought in a character whom's expertise was left underutilized and is just here as a fifth wheel. Ellen Ripley didn't had this problem in the first two Alien movies.

Miss: Also what was even the point of Halvorson recruiting Kate on to this discovery if he's gonna act like a dick-waving asshole to anyone questioning his authority?

Hit: *One of the Norwegian crewman is grabbed on absorbed by the Thing as another crewman calls for help.* Credit for the creature effects and for keeping the creature hidden in shadows just like in the 82's Thing.

Hit: Also credit for the practical/visual effects of the creature during the autopsy scene.

Miss: *Kate and Adam discovered that the creature was trying to imitate the Norwegian crewman.* If the 82's Thing didn't exist this would actually be a shocking revelation. Unfortunately that movie does exist and this scene comes off as a no shit moment for people who saw the 82 film.

Miss: In the 82 film, the sets of the American research station were done in Alaska and the Universal Studios Lot. Putting all their effort in capturing the atmosphere of antarctica. But in this movie, it's almost obvious they green screened some of the backgrounds.   

Miss: *Carter, Jameson, Griggs and one other Norwegian crewman were about to leave via until Kate flags them down. Thing-Griggs randomly reveals itself and attacks the Norwegian crewman.* From the way the movie played off that the Norwegian crewman could be the Thing, Thing-Griggs had no reason to immediately reveal itself. Especially when Kate thinks that the Norwegian crewman might be the Thing. Thing-Griggs could've just easily lied that the Norwegian crewman is the Thing.   

Hit: I'm gonna be a little lenient on the CGI when I say that the Thing-Griggs transformation was impressive.

Miss: *Thing-Juliette convinces Kate that Colins might be the Thing only to trick her into a room to absorb her.* The creature in the 82 film was established as not only intelligent but cunning. Getting into the blood supply storage with Gary's keys, building a makeshift spacecraft from miscellaneous parts and it tries to frame MacReady by taking some of his clothes and stuck them up a furnace. At no point the creature doesn't just randomly reveals itself for cheap scares. But rather whenever it's caught or (in the case of Thing-Norris being defibrillated) when it thinks it's being attacked.Yes it does try to absorb the American crewmen when it's alone but not when there's a chance it might get caught or the victim might get away. Point being with 2011's Thing it's like the filmmakers have no idea how subtitle scares work or fail to understand why the scares and the unsettling atmosphere worked so well in 82's Thing.   

Hit: Now again I'm being lenient on the CGI, Thing-Juliette's transformation was impressive.

Miss: Although some of CGI can get a bit jankey at times with some of these creatures are just floaty human heads with bodies made of teeth and tendrils.

Miss: Some of scenes and dialogues in this film are copied and pasted from 82's Thing. Fucking lazy, this movie is.

Miss: *Carter and Jameson made it back to the research station.* Peder: "It is impossible for a human to survive in that crash." I agree with that, not to mention they managed to walk miles back to the research station in a snowstorm. And what about Thing-Griggs, is it still alive? If not then how did Carter and Jameson managed to kill it?

Miss: They didn't burn the creature from ice with the rest of the things?

Miss: *Kate comes up a way to tell if any of the crewmen are the Thing by checking for metal fillings in their mouths. Due to the creatures inability to imitate inorganic materials.* Good idea but here's the problem. What if these guys didn't get any metal fillings, 50/50 they might not be the Thing. Or what if they're not missing any back teeth, what then? I'm missing some back teeth yet I don't have any fillings. Does that mean I'm the Thing? Like what Halvorson said, there are too many variables. Any of these guys could just lie that they never got metal fillings if they were the Thing. I know the filmmakers didn't want to copy the hot needle blood test scene. But they could at least thought up something that just as logical as that scene.

Miss: *Thing-Edvard just breaks apart then starts attacking everyone in the rec room with a large tendril.* There was no need for Thing-Edvard to randomly reveal itself and attack everyone. It wasn't being attacked (aside from that explosion after Peder got shot). It didn't get caught for anything odd or suspicious. So once again these disguised creatures randomly going into full monster mode for the sake of cheap scares.

Miss: *Adam tries to get out of rec room only to get stabbed by Thing-Edvard's tendril.* There was a window right next to him and his best idea was to run towards the danger to get away. Brilliant. I know it's cold as shit outside but he could easily broke into another window at some other area of the station.

Miss: You're telling me that the spacecraft is still functional the whole time it was buried? And instead of the creature to just take off back into space it decides to leave the spacecraft and ends up freezing in the ice.  

Miss: So basically when the spacecraft's engines start up the ship just magically unearthed itself from the ice. Instead of being dug up by Norwegians with thermite charges, fucking bullshit.

Real Talk: This part was hard to determine to be a miss. On one hand Carter could've been the Thing but on the other it's possible his earring could've fallen off back at the ship. And then there's Carter pleading with Kate not to burn him; not once did he transform and attack her. So chances are she just killed a human. 

Hit: And now this movie uses the 82's theme.

Miss: Kinda pointless to have Lars surviving this ordeal since he gets shot in the face by Gary in the 82's film. 

Hits & Misses: Doom Annihilation

Real Talk: Slightly better than the first Doom movie but it's got some flaws.

Real Talk/Sarcastic: Oh look at this, another video game movie with annihilation in the title. This doesn't raise any red flags at all.

Miss: So let's get the obvious out the way, this movie has no Doom Guy/Doom Slayer and it doesn't take place in First Person/POV. You would think Universal have learned from the first Doom movie but evidently they didn't. 

Hit: Holy shit, the UAC Phobos base is well lit instead of being dark as shit like the last movie.

Hit: The movie has an actual gate to Hell and takes place on one of Mars' moons just like the first game. Well done Universal you're getting slightly better.

Miss: All of the Phobos scientists are looking right at Dr. Barnes as soon as he came through the gate. And yet didn't noticed that he's now a zombie until after an alarm goes off. Did these scientists had bad eyesights for a few seconds? Do they have the slowest reactions to everything around them? Did Barnes transformed while nobody's looking? And it's not like zombie Barnes was hidden in shadows given how brightly lit the room is.

Hit: Movie's title uses the same font from the games.

Miss: The first Doom movie had John Grim, this movie has Joan Dark. It feels like they're just recycling old characters with catchy edgelord names now.

Real Talk: Also, sorry Joan Dark but there's only one bad ass character with Dark in their name (Joanna Dark from Perfect Dark) and you're not her. 

Hit: But at least in hindsight Joan seems to be a decently developed character rather than some Mary Sue fetish for the filmmaker to have a mega huge boner for. I'm looking at you Paul W.S. Anderson.   

Real Talk: Morgan talking to the Marines onboard a transport vessel: "Oh, and before you ask, I totally went through all your stuff during the four month slumber." Either he's trolling these guys or he is such a creeper.

Hit/Miss: *Winslow playing a game.* Suddenly I'm getting flashbacks to Duke playing a handheld game from 2005's Doom.

Hit: *Joan and Bennett reminiscing on their past relationship.* For a moment I thought these two were brother and sister like Reaper and Sam were. Thank god these two went to details of their relationship. Otherwise I would've assume Universal was being horribly lazy. 

Miss: A guy has turned into a possessed creature after coming out of the gate and Betruger claims to a scientist back on Earth that it's just antidepressants and cell reconfiguration issues. Clearly this guy is dumber than Dr. Carmack from Doom 2005.

Miss: And of course Betruger wants to go through the gate just to keep the project going. What could possibly go wrong?

Real Talk: So there's this tension between Joan and the other marines due to Joan's insubordination that got her transferred to Phobos.

Miss: Although this begs the question of why are the other marines in her unit are being transferred to Phobos? Joan even told the hire ups to punish only her. I've never been in the marines or any form of military so how does this make any sense?

Miss: *Savage is recording a video message about resigning/retiring from the Marines and coming home to his family.* Oh great, a character who's about to resign/retire and to add another death nail to his coffin he has a wife and child. I got nothing against this guy but when a character starts talking about retiring that's an automatic death sentence. Making it impossible to care for them because the audience is now left with the fact that said character's gonna die no matter what. Sure it's a sad moment when it happens but the more you notice this pattern the more it becomes pretentious and predictable.  

Hit: Credit for the CGI of the transport vessel and exterior shots of Phobos.

Hit/Miss: *The marines listen to a distress signal which turns out to be some creature snarling sounds.* More Doom 2005 flashbacks.

Hit: This movie got some decent soundtrack.

Hit: Savage brought the super shotgun!

Real Talk: Akua talking to Savage about the super shotgun: "Can't believe you're bringing that weak ass shit." Clearly somebody has never played Doom.

Hit: Savage talking to Akua: "You got your toy...." closes the super shotgun barrel "I got mine." Fucking bad ass.

Real Talk: *A mysterious power surge occurs as the transport vessel connects to an airlock door.* Well that wasn't suspicious or ominous at all. 

Real Talk: I know these marines need them but most of the areas are well lit they don't need the flashlights.

Real Talk: I wonder if those explosive barrels and that chainsaw will come into play later? 

Hit: *Joan finds a dead body and is identify as William Blazkovicz.* OK movie, I'll give you that for the Wolfenstein reference.   

Real Talk: Joan has acquired the Blue Keycard.

Hit: *Joan dual wields two hand guns, shooting down a few zombies.* Alright, that was awesome. 

Miss: Akua after gunning down a few demonized personnel: "I'm your ultra nightmare, motherfuckers!" *And then one of the zombies attacks from behind and kills him.* Some ultra nightmare he was. 

Hit: *Joan breaks out the chainsaw and mows down a couple of zombie.* NOICE! 

Miss: Some of these marines in this movie dropped like flies almost immediately. The marines in Doom 2005 didn't get killed off this fast and at few minutes from each other.

Hit: Savage brought the super shotgun, might as well use it.

Miss: Of course Bennett knows what's going on and he couldn't mention anything sooner, why?

Miss: And Daisy (the transport vessel's AI) becomes Discount Hal 9000.

Hit: Chaplain has an interesting backstory, was once a marine but then got worn out with that life. Figured he try to "save souls instead of taking them." Yet he still respects the uniform.

Hit: Looks like these marines have reached a new level because now they're dealing with Imps. And I must say that the creature design of the Imps are rather impressive. 

Miss: *Chaplain saves Joan from having her soul sucked from her only to get blasted to death by the Imp.* This would've been avoided if Chaplain ducked out of the way instead of stupidly standing there. 

Real Talk: Joan has acquired the Yellow Keycard.

Hit: Joan has acquired the BFG 9000.

Miss: This movie just had to fuck up the BFG 9000. Instead of shooting huge rounds of energy that obliterates anything in one shot, it just shoots a bunch of pew pew rounds. Say what you want about Doom 2005 but at least that movie got the BFG to do exactly what it suppose to do. Just how did they fucked up the most iconic weapon in the Doom series?  

Miss: *Joan tries to reason with Bennett who's now a zombie.* Joan you've killed dozens of zombies what makes zombie Bennett any different, because you two dated each other? 

Real Talk: Joan has acquired the Red Keycard.

Miss: *It's revealed that Betruger was "reborn" into something else when he went to Hell.* Up to this point I didn't believe one bit that Betruger went through the Hellgate and then came right back just fine. I had a feeling there was something off with him, aside from being crazy and obsessed. 

Miss: Well Hell should looks disappointing, not so much fire and brimstone going on. It just looks something straight out of Dark Souls.

Miss: So most of the creatures in Hell are Imps, at least as far as I can tell. Meaning there are on Hell Knights, no Barons of Hell, no Revenants, no Cacodemons. Hell there's not even a Spider Mastermind and a Cyberdemon.

Miss: *Joan gets a flashback of her dying mother saying "have faith that in your darkest moment you won't be alone." Then she just gets back up starts shooting again.* When I saw this flashback I kept thinking that Joan's mother would descend from heaven as a bad ass angel and kill enough demons for Joan to escape. Yeah I know stupid scene but it'll be less anticlimactic than Joan getting some plot convince second wind and makes a mad dash to the portal to Earth. 

Miss: Hey Joan maybe instead of panicking like a basket case just tell the Nevada scientists that there are hostile creatures and that Betruger is collaborating with them. Just saying.

Hits & Misses: What Happened To Monday

Hit: These overpopulation subplots are usually one-and-done in most movies I've seen, this movie on the other hand has overpopulation as a plot thread that affects the story.

Miss: As much as Cayman's plan seems to be a promising solution but snatching up multi born siblings and place them in cryo-freeze is a bit much.

Hit: But at least the movie establishes the negative views of the Child Allocation Act later on.

Hit: Oh hey, Willem Dafoe!

Real Talk: And in case you're thinking no he's a bad guy in this movie. I know it's weird.

Hit: You know what's more awesome than one Noomi Rapace? SEVEN Noomi Rapace! That's like having seven Mathilda Mays in one movie.

Hit: But seriously though Noomi's performance as seven identical siblings is amazing given how each of them have their own quirks and personalities. I don't think any other actress wouldn't come close to this level of conveying distinctive personalities. Well...unless their Jean Claude Van Damme...or Tilda Swinton.  

Hit: A lot of movies use visual/practical effects when it comes to identical siblings and/or clones. What Happened To Monday does the same but feels more evolved than the previous movies. Furthermore, none of the siblings don't appear to be poorly green screened/CGI when they're in the same room.

Miss: *In a flashback, Thursday sneaks out of their home only to return with her fingertip hanging by a few nerves.* As much as it looks gruesome the effects on it is not that good at all.

Miss: *In the same flashback, Terrence (the sibling's grandfather) preps the siblings to "match" Thursday's injury.* I know he's doing this to keep them safe but could he at least knocked them out first? Having them fully conscious while removing a finger is a bit extreme. 

Hit: Damn that Wednesday though!

Hit: The fight scene between the Settman Siblings and the C.A.B. agents is another example of Noomi's performance, the siblings' quirks; plus the impressive fight choreography. The movie established Wednesday being the adept fighter while the other siblings resort to using improvised weapons they can find.

Hit: *Saturday shrieks as she attacks an agent with an iron.* Sure that shrieking was unnecessary but god damn does it make her sound so hot.

Miss: Sunday: "Is it bad?" You got shot woman, the fuck do you think?

Miss: And Sunday is dead, granted she wasn't my favorite day but still.

Miss: Cayman knows that the Settmans are trapped in their home yet she doesn't order to have the place burn down and make it look like an accident. I know she wants to keep it quiet from the public but all she's doing is giving the sibling the chance to plan things out.

Hit: *Wednesday let out a bad ass scream as she open fires on the C.A.B. agents.* That was so epicly awesome it'll make Reb Brown cream his pants. And once again Noomi's scream makes her so hot.

Real Talk: *Wednesday jumps three stories from a window, landing in a dumpster which turns out to be empty.* Just by listening to the impact you can tell that had to hurt like shit. 

Miss: Main character or not, Wednesday should be dead or at least too fucked up to be running at all. 

Miss: This shot clearly looks like Wednesday stopped in mid-air just a split second after getting shot jumping across to the next building. 

Miss: Also... NO NOT WEDNESDAY, SHE'S WAS MY FAVORITE DAY!

Real Talk: Such a beautiful body Noomi has.

Hit: Also... hot Saturday Sex Scene.

Miss: And now Saturday's dead. Guess Miranda Frost wasn't kidding about "sex for dinner, death for breakfast."

Miss: So Friday stays behind and blows up their home all because she won't survive the outside world with her sisters. Understandable I suppose but she still has two sisters left at the end of the movie, she wouldn't be that alone.

Miss: And now Friday's dead....

Hit: *Thursday holds a sharp object at Adrian's throat as he enters his vehicle.* Even when Noomi's angry she's still very beautiful.

Real Talk: So it's revealed that C.A.B. weren't putting siblings in cryofreeze but were actually disposing them by incinerating them. Well if Cayman was going with that approach she should've gathered the Infinity Stones, would've gone a lot faster that way.

Real Talk: Thursday talking to Tuesday: "What happened to Monday?" Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title drop.

Hit: Noomi vs Noomi

LOL: Hey Noomi, stop hitting yourself.

Miss: Even when the population goes down, what about the siblings who are "in cryofreeze"? Someone's gonna start asking why aren't the siblings being released and eventually people will start getting suspicious. I think Cayman's plan of disposing siblings behind closed doors may have a few holes when people are expecting these siblings to be let go.  

Hits & Misses: Ant Man and the Wasp

Hit: Father and Daughter fun time.

Hit: Cassie Lang is just too damn adorable for this movie, like if you take a puppy and turn it into a human being.

Hit: So Scott's been on house arrest since Captain America: Civil War. Well at least there's a reason why he wasn't in Avengers Infinity War.

Hit: First Wasp action scene!

Miss: It must very annoying for the FBI to constantly breaking into Scott's house when he almost breaks the house arrest parole. And this is a running theme in this movie.

Real Talk: I don't know much about the villain Ghost, comics or otherwise. So I'm OK with Ghost being a woman.

Hit: Before seeing the movie for some reason I keep thinking that Janet Van Dyne would be the main villain. I'm REALLY glad this movie proved me wrong.

Hit/LOL: All of the size jokes in this movie.

Real Talk: It's certain that Hydra must've trained Ghost when they were within SHIELD.

Hit: That Ghost ass!

Hit: That Wasp ass!

Hit: The most exciting yet hilarious car chases in the movie.

Hit/LOL: You gotta love Luis' way of storytelling, dumb but endearing.

Hit/LOL: A literal mini Drive-In Theater.

Real Talk: Four people (Scott, Hope, Hank and Janet) doing scientific work. Suddenly I'm imagining a better Fantastic Four movie on screen.

Miss/Downer: Movie ends on a happy high note only to have the effects of Thanos taking hold. I mean yeah I was excepting it but not like this.

Hits & Misses: The Darkest Minds

DISCLAIMER: I had a feeling this movie was based from a novel and lo and behold it is. But giving that I don't have the time to read, analyze and compare between the books and the movie. I'm just gonna review this film as a movie goer as fair as possible. If you think there's some things that I've missed or misinterpreted please tell me so. Just be aware that telling me to "go read the books" is not a compelling argument.

Real Talk: As much as this movie has a good premise, there are a few plot threads that raises too many questions. And I feel that there's so much worldbuilding that a 105 minute movie won't be enough to convey such important plot elements.

Miss: So this disease (I.A.A.N.) kills 90% of the children population while the survivors gain superhuman abilities. OK that's interesting but what makes the children susceptible to this disease that they either die or get superpowered? What about teenagers, what makes them not susceptible to I.A.A.N.? How do the children get infected with I.A.A.N., is it airborne, cross-contamination, having unique genetics? Or how about the unborn babies are they infected once they're born, are they possibly vaccinated after they're born? Did every adult on earth decided not to have kids until a cure is found? Did every adult got themselves chemically sterilized in case of accidental pregnancies? Again there's so many plot elements to touch upon that a 105 minute movie won't be enough to explore them all.  

Hit: Gotta give this child actor playing Young Ruby credit for her performance. If I woke up one morning and my parents don't know who I am I'd freak out too.

Miss: So earlier the U.S. President promises that these superpowered children will get the help needed. Only a little bit later there's a scene of Ruby and other superpowered kids are taken to a concentration camp. Well this President was lying his ass off.

Miss: Also *The superpowered children being taken to concentration camps.* Lazy non-subtle metaphors or heavy handed real world allegories, take your pick.

Miss: This is a pet peeve I have when it comes to stories of people born with superpowers. Either the government or some (covert) agency will not have the tools necessary to handle superpowered beings. Yet they managed to do such a feat regardless of being ill-equipped. Sure you can argue that these are kids and they have no understanding nor control of their powers. But even an child untrained with their powers is just as dangerous as a fully trained powered person. All I'm saying is that it doesn't hurt to be better prepared when handling power born beings.

Miss: The doctor examining Ruby states that Reds and Oranges are very rare which I call bullshit giving the fact that a scene earlier there's Ruby and another kid who mind controlled a guard to kill herself are Oranges. As for the Reds, well we'll get to that later.

Miss: Apparently if a child is Red or Orange immediate execution. So much for helping these children, huh President Bullshiter?

Miss: Oh sure Doc, just get in close proximity with Ruby to kill her so she can touch you and control your thoughts that she's a Green. Security measures, what the fuck are those?

Real Talk: And why does Ruby has to touch someone for her powers to work while that other Orange from earlier didn't even lay a hand on that guard? Did the film's writers got confused on how an Orange powers work?  

Miss: So the Blues (telekinetics), Golds (electrokinetics), Reds (pyrokinetics) and Oranges (mind control/reading) are in the risk conditions of Guarded, Caution, Dangerous and Lethal. OK fair enough but why are the Greens kept in camps when they're deemed as "safe to approach"? 

Miss: The Greens are just super smart at puzzles and numbers, they're not exactly Tony Stark or Reed Richards. When it comes to characters having super intelligence due to a mutation (natural or otherwise) I think of someone like Gear from Static Shock or Skylar from Alphas. Not a bunch of  Discount Sheldon Coopers.

Real Talk: And speaking of Tony Stark, even if the Greens are meant to be in camps what's to stop them from secretly building weapons from scraps and make their escape?

Miss: And it's rather a waste to have the Greens to be working in sweatshops instead creating advanced super tech.

Miss: So the humans have a countermeasure against the powered children but it's just some human equivalent of a dog whistle, rather lame I say. 

LOL: *Ruby mind controls a guard at the entrance to let her and Cate leave as the guard says "move along".* Suddenly I'm getting Star Wars Episode IV flashbacks.

Hit: Oh hi Gwendoline Christie, I swear I didn't recognize you without the blonde. But seriously brown hair is a nice look for her.

Hit: OK to be honest, that's a bad ass entrance for the Lady Jane character.

Real Talk: I swear that every time Chubs said Lady Jane's name it kept sounding like Lady Jaye (from G.I. Joe).

Real Talk: So kids are either put in camps or hunted by Tracers (bounty hunters for superpowered kids). How's the public even remotely OK with this? 

Miss: *That doctor from the beginning of the film gets burned alive by a Red. *So much for Reds being rare and getting shot on sight.

Miss: Liam: "I feel like I should ask you to prom or something." Ruby: "Well unfortunately I'm already going with the captain of the football."  Ruby you've been living in a camp for six years, what the hell do you know about prom and football? I'm sure she's joking with Liam but I'm still confused of what she just said considering she's been in a camp since she was ten years old. Is the movie implying that elementary schools have proms?

Real Talk: *Ruby mind controls these two people to drive away.* So now Ruby can use her powers from a distance. Not sure if it's her powers getting stronger or just plot convenience.

Miss: Chubs did not need to use his powers just to figure out that EDO is a radio frequency to locate East River. Did the movie let Chubs magically figure this all out just to not have his powers being completely meaningless to the plot? Because otherwise I don't think the movie would've progress if he didn't use his powers.

Hit: Don't have much to say about the Ruby/Liam relationship but at least it doesn't come off as creepy, forced or abusive as to the Bella/Edward relationship.

Miss: *Ruby mind controls Lady Jane into taking a walk and to never, ever stop.* Suddenly I'm getting X-Men: Wolverine Origins flashbacks and I do not need to be reminded of that movie, ever.

Miss: Also wasn't Lady Jane not briefed that Ruby could be an Orange? Do most Tracers usually just randomly hunt down kids not fully prepared if that certain kid is a higher color?

LOL: Harry Potter reference.

Miss: So East River is a safe haven for the powered kids and yet they're not allow to leave whenever they want. Well this isn't suspicious at all. 

Miss: *Ruby and Clancy getting rather close while Liam eavesdrops on them.* WARNING...WARNING...LOVE TRIANGLE ALERT.... WARNING...WARNING...LOVE TRIANGLE ALERT...

Sad Moment: So it's revealed that Ruby accidentally erased herself from her parents memories which explains why they don't remember her. 

Miss: Ruby: "I don't want to do to you what I did to my parents!" Liam: "No, I'm never gonna forget you!" Ruby: "You can't make that promise, Liam. You can't help me, you're not an Orange. We're not the same." So just like that you're gonna ditch Liam for Clancy all because you're both Oranges. What makes you think you won't erase yourself from Clancy's memories by accident? Is Clancy immune to this particular ability? You don't know but sure Ruby just immediately piss away what you and Liam had.  

Miss/Sarcastic: Oh no, Clancy has a hidden agenda. I mean I would find this actually shocking if I haven't seen this cliche a thousand times before in other shows and movies.  

Miss/WTF: *Clancy tries to psychically and physically take advantage of Ruby to the point of being creepily fucked up.* What the fuck am I watching and why is this a scene?! What sick fuck OK'd this scene straight out of a Lifetime made-for-TV movie shit?!

Miss/WTF: Clancy talking to Ruby: "Don't worry. Now that I know how, I'll just ease this part and we can start over." That is such a huge red flag that you can see the flag from fucking orbit! And also why the hell did you say that out loud in front of Ruby you sick piece of shit?!

Hit: Now if there's any hindsight to this fucked up fuckery here, LOVE TRIANGLE AVERTED!!! 

Miss: Ruby you were practically almost raped by Discount Edward Cullen, why are you trying to keep it to yourself when Liam wants to help you? What, are you trying to be Discount Bella Swan?

Miss: So it's revealed that Clancy has taken over the U.S. government while his father, the President is locked away. As much as this is an interesting twist it still begs a couple of questions. If Clancy has control of virtually everything then why would he still have the other kids being put in camps instead of just I don't know bring them under his wing willingly? Why even bother with the fake ass safe haven nonsense if he was just gonna have the kids forcibly recruited into his army? I feel like this guy's actions are not only counterintuitive but they're fucking pointless.

Miss: Seriously Chubs, you're using your powers just to figure out that Clancy is with the government? You can see them right in front of you as clear as day to noticed without your powers. Why's this movie making this unnecessary superpower even more unnecessary? This kid is about as useful as the Dan character from Species, they're both good at annoyingly stating the fucking obvious.

Miss: Clancy: "I'm just...trying to make this miserable world a place where we don't have to be afraid. Where those who are special like you and me, can be in charge. And you'd rather run around the woods with this guy?" *Clancy starts punching Liam.* "No one takes what's mine. Not my father, not anyone and certainly not you." I would called this kid Discount Magneto but even that would be an insult to Magneto. So Clancy is more like a Spoiled Superpower Millennial Hipster. 

Miss: You know Ruby you could've had the Captain character quickly draw his gun and shoot Clancy instead of himself.

Miss: *Reds begin attacking East River with their breath weapons.* Discount Extremis Soldiers from Iron Man 3. 

Real Talk: Don't get me wrong the Reds are rather cool but with the red glowy eyes and faces they remind me way too much like the Iron Man 3 Extremis Soldiers.

Miss: Clancy talking to Ruby: "I can prune and snip and rewrite you now, into a better Ruby. The perfect Ruby. The Ruby that I want you to be." First Clancy attempted psychic rape, now he wants to try psychic grooming on Ruby. I think my soul has officially puke its lungs out in disgust. And that creepy rapist look on his face is really not helping.

Miss: Cate: "We're here to help you and expose the camps for what they are and stop President Gray." Ruby: "President Gray and his son are collecting us, just like you are." So did Ruby just forgot the part about Clancy taking over everything while President Dipshit is locked away? Not gonna mention that bit of important information to Cate at all? OK....

Hit/LOL: Ruby mind controlling Rob: "Liam is not a killer." Mind Controlled Rob: "Liam is not a killer." Ruby: "And you're an asshole." Rob: "I am an asshole." Good one, kid.

Hit: *Ruby erases herself from Liam's memories as she kisses him in order for the League to let him go.* This has to be the one movie where an amnesia kiss not only makes sense to the story but it doesn't come off as shitty plot convenience for the writers to dig themselves out of a pigeon hole. And yes I was referring to Superman II.   

Real Talk: If by any chance this movie gets a sequel I hope they fix their shit on the worldbuilding. Or even better just reboot this IP into a TV series to better flow the worldbuilding/plot. I was really hoping for this movie to be good with its unique premise but the overall execution and storytelling felt they were sorely limited by the film's runtime. The Host suffered from this problem when the narration just front loads the movie's worldbuilding rather than showing how the Souls made the Earth a better place. Yes I'm kinda defending a shitty movie based on a shitty novel written by a shitty writer.      

Hits & Misses Halloween: Boo

Real Talk: This movie's good and all but they couldn't come up with a better name than Boo?

Hit: The one time that a fake scare makes sense because the movie takes place on Halloween instead of building up false tension.

Miss: Obviously fake ass moon.

Hit: Normally I question why anyone would go into an abandoned and obviously haunted place but again this movie takes place on Halloween. Anyone will do anything for a good scare.

Miss: How is there any power to this abandoned hospital? Who's paying the electricity, Father Horny-Eyes from Demon Slayer?

Real Talk: Discount Dolemite?

Real Talk: Discount Blacula?

Hit: I've seen movies that had some character who's a has-been actor before. But a has-been actor turned cop, that's a new one.

Miss: Well Arlo's a lousy cop, quickly lying that he's not in the vicinity of the disturbance so he can go home.

Hit: A subtle scare without the annoying music sting and it's not in your face, nice.

Real Talk: Just getting this out there that using an elevator in a horror movie usually never turn out so well.

Real Talk: Dolls and Teddy Bears in horror movies are usually not a good sign. Case in point a ghost girl shows up and Emmett is snatched away.

Hit: Another subtle scare.

Hit: This movie waste no time of getting to the ghosts.

Miss: Allan only brought three extra bullets before going to the hospital to find his sister, Meg. You know even if your sister's in trouble I doubt three extra bullets will make any difference.

Miss: So the reason why these four character came to this hospital was because it's better than going to a fake haunted house. OK...stupid but OK.

Miss: Jessie as she and her friends go into the hospital: "Great, we are gonna be those stupid kids." Hey you said it not me.

Hit: Some of these characters are dicks but they're not quite on the level of being one dimensional asshole stereotypes.

Miss: *Allan finds Emmett's dog dead.* No animal is never safe in a horror movie.

Miss: Kevin and Marie making out on a hospital gurrey. Because having sex at a abandoned hospital is kinky?

Real Talk: Kevin: "Yippie Ki Yay..." Dude, say the line right. It's Yippie Ki Yay, motherfucker, there needs to be a motherfucker after the Yippie Ki Yay.

Real Talk: Oh yes Allan, stick your hand in a hole in the wall. What could possibly happen?

Miss: Movie has a sex scene but don't to see tits, ass or the sex. Boooooo!

Hit: Jessie and Freddy have the common sense to bring a weapon to investigate a loud banging noise. Granted it wouldn't do much against ghosts but still.

Hit: *Haunted clown costume has a normal clown mask in one scene. Has a evil clown mask a couple scenes later.* Subtle.

Miss: *Freddy gets stabbed deep in the back after being push back on a sharp metal rod and he says it's just a scratch.* Either he's the black knight from Python's The Holy Grail or just plain stupid.

Hit: Nice melty flesh effect of Emmett.

Miss: But that weird glow effect was a bit unnecessary.

Real Talk: *"Emmett" explodes after being shot by Meg.* Jesus, what did Allen loaded that gun with, BFG rounds?

Miss: *Kevin smashes his phone after being put on hold, trying to call the police.* Nice going, jackass.

Hit: So this movie pulls a John Carpenter's The Thing with the ghosts taking over any of these characters. Adding the paranoia factor among the characters

Miss: *Kevin shoots the supernaturally locked door only to get hit by a ricochet.* Nice going again, jackass.

Miss: Kevin immediately assumes that Marie was taken over and just shoots her without giving her the chance to prove she's herself. Hell earlier, Meg had to cut Allen's hand to see if he's bleeding i.e. if he's still himself. Yet Meg doesn't do the same for Marie, just kept standing around until Marie got shot.

Miss: Why would they bring Marie's body before trying to get out of the hospital? They do know the term dead weight, right?

Hit: *Marie's blood pours upwards to the elevator ceiling.* Not gonna lie, that's an impressive effect.

Miss: So Jessie, Freddy and Kevin don't see the blood pouring out of Marie up to the elevator ceiling. Hell they don't even hear the dripping sounds of the blood. It's not like they're miles away from the body they're all standing right next to it.

Miss: *Jessie, Freddy and Kevin left the body in the elevator.* Oh wow, so much for bringing Marie along, huh? It's almost like there was no reason to bring her along and was just a waste of time.

Miss: Meg talking to Allan: "They play on your paranoia, making you think that you or your friends aren't who they should be. If you die, they take over you completely." That would've been an important piece of info to share with Jessie and the others earlier. At least then Marie wouldn't have to die by dipshit stupidity. 

Miss: Jessie: "Once they find out what you did to Marie they're gonna send you to jail anyways. My ex-boyfriend's going to jail." Kevin: "What? It was self-defense, Jessie!" Well she clearly wasn't doing anything threatening and was still scare and confused of what's going on. But sure Kevin just randomly shoot her and claim it was self-defense.

Hit: Even Jessie calls bullshit on what Kevin just said.

Miss: *One of Meg's dead friends explodes after Arlo shoots them.* As scary as these ghost possesed corpses are they're not much of a threat if they explode after getting shot.

Miss: Oh yes Kevin, just stick your hand in a hole in the wall. What could possibly happen, besides disappearing off screen that is?

Hit: Oh cool, it's Dee Wallace!

Miss: *Jessie flashback vision of Jacob trying to escape the hospital.* So Jacob's master plan of escaping the hospital was to set the place on fire and force Nurse Russell to hand over the keys. But didn't count on Nurse Russell to throw the keys out the window leaving Jacob and everyone else to be burned alive. What a well-laid plan you had, Jacob.

Hit: Gotta give this movie credit for the gore effects of the dead little girl.

Hit: Gotta give this movie credit for the gore effects of Freddy's hand after he slams it on a wall.

Hit/LOL: Kevin: "The last person I saw that looked like you I shot her in the face." Arlo: "You shoot me in the face and I'll kick your ass."

LOL: Kevin: "Will someone please make that fucking scratching noise stop?!" *The scratching noise stops.* Kevin: "Thank you!"

Miss: Jacob pulls a Freddy Krueger without being Freddy Krueger.

Real Talk: *Meg with a wooden stick knocks Jacob possesed Kevin, setting him sliding at a surprisingly far distance.* That was a hell of a swing there, Meg. You wouldn't be a mutant are you?

Sad Moment: So it's revealed that Meg was already dead the whole time and has been possessed by Nurse Russell. Just...damn....

Miss: *Nurse Russell starts a fire that burns Jacob to the point of exploding.* So fire hurts Jacob...a freaking ghost until he explodes how?

Miss: He even has the burn scars after that. So again, how?