The Film Vindicator Review: Scanners II: The New Order

And here we go folks we’re trending through trenches in the form of the Scanners sequels/spin-offs. Now as I said from my Scanners review none of these films weren’t directed by David Cronenberg so chances are these films may be as good as the original.

We open on man who is screaming for some reason; I guess he must’ve read Twilight. We see the crazy screaming man entering an arcade place and begin playing a rail-shooter game. Suddenly the light gun controller is moving on its own as the crazy screaming man backs away a bit looking like he’s spazzing out. Apparently this guy is a Scanner who is controlling the light gun. His Scanner spasm continues until a security guard tries to stop him but gets force push…no wait Scanner push across the arcade place…yeah that’s better. The crazy screaming man freaks out and all of the arcades began to shake and then explode as the people run in a panic. Cut to the crazy screaming man hiding out in an abandon factory continuing to lose his shit at some mannequins…just go with it. Police arrived at the factory along with a couple of men armed with tranquilizer guns; move in and managed to apprehend him. Cut to the Morse Neurological Research Institute where we’re introduced to a Dr. Morse (played by Tom Butler) who is on his way to a secret lower level laboratory. There he tries to help the crazy screaming man Peter Drak (played by Raoul Trujillo) Drak is not listening and attempts to scan Morse’s mind but is injected with Ephemerol 2 or Eph 2. Morse is approached by Commander John Forrester (played by Yvan Ponton) who is very upset of Drak being injected with Eph 2. Apparently this new Ephemerol not only suppresses the Scanner abilities but becomes dangerously addictive; turning Scanners into Eph 2 junkies becoming useless to Forrester. Later we cut to our main character David Kellum (played by David Hewlett) who is a student at a veterinary school. At the school David arrives at pet surgery class already in progress when he starts hearing thoughts from his instructor and other students. Unable to stop the thoughts he leaves the room while Alice Leonardo (played by Isabelle Mejias) follows him. The two began to flirt and Alice asked him out her dinner; later they head to a diner until David starts hearing again and runs off as Alice follows. Cut to two men making drug dealings to a corrupt lawyer; but the corrupt lawyer is very suspicious and calls in an armed bodyguard. However, revealing to be Scanners and working for Forrester the two men take control of the corrupt lawyer and the bodyguard. They’ve taken the money and drugs from the corrupt lawyer and command the bodyguard to shoot the corrupt lawyer dead. The bodyguard tries to get away but is gun down by Forrester and his men. Later David stops by at Alice’s apartment about to have dinner but she needs a few items to finish cooking. David and Alice go to a nearby convenience store to pick up a few things when suddenly two armed robbers entered the store. One of the armed robbers takes Alice while the other guns down both of the store workers. David steps in and takes out the first robber then takes out the second by the most awesome fashion possible. That’s right David makes the guy’s head go KABOOM; well it wouldn’t be a Scanners film without at least one head explosion.

We cut to Forrester and Morse watching the store’s surveillance camera of what David just did and are now taking interests. Cut to a hospital David goes to see Alice who is recovering from a concussion, she asked David what he did back at the store. He explains that he’s been able to do things psychically since he was a child not knowing why or what to do about it. David returns home only to be approached by Forrester; he tells David he knows what David did and understands what he’s going through. Forrester then tells him that there are many others like him and this convinces David to go with him. Cut to David at the Neurological Research Institute being studied and tested by Morse; he reveals to David that he’s a Scanner but has never use his powers often. Morse tells David about Eph 2 and how it would help him but Forrester immediately tells him not to take it do to its deadly side effects. David is being pair off with Drak to be taught how to use his power; oh what could possibly go wrong here? Drak starts scanning David’s mind but he soon counters and scans right back ultimately wins this little sparring session. Of course Drak doesn’t take this so well at all you’ll see why later. We cut to David and Forrester at milk proceeding plant searching for the “Milk Murderer”…yeah just go with it. Who’s been poisoning milk containers with strychnine killing mostly children. David scans most of the workers’ minds until he comes across a Ralph Cheney who turns out to be the Milk Murderer. He tries to get away but David psychically stops him and is captured by Forrester. Back at the hospital Alice reads about it on the newspaper; David tells her that he found the Milk Murderer and made him confess. He then tells to her that he’s a Scanner and that he uses his Scanner powers to find the murderer. David scans Alice’s mind to…make her horny…again just go with it. Anyway this breaks out into a love scene that a nurse interrupts it but David uses his powers to have the nurse to go piss off. Cut to the home of the chief of police where he is taken control by Drak to kill himself with his own gun. OK this guy is not exactly Darryl Revok but the guy still stinks of evil. The next day back at the hospital David is summoned by Forrester to join him at city hall. At city hall Forrester convinces David to scan the Mayor (played by Dorothee Berryman) to have her announce Forrester as the new chief of police. Yeah this is not suspicious or evil at all I’m sure Forrester’s motives are good right….right….SOMEONE AGREE WITH ME! David is about to leave city hall until he’s approached by Drak; he talks about Forrester “new order” which involves using Scanners to control society. David doesn’t believe him so Drak tells him to check out the Scanners in Morse’s secret lab. After a little talk with Alice, David decides to head back to the institute to get some answers. Once there David confronts Forrester and scans him for answer, apparently what Drak said is true. A security guard enters the office but David psychically pins him down; Morse shoots David with a tranquilizer but he managed to get away.

Somehow he was able to drive from the institute all the away to his parents’ home before he passes out from the tranq dart. Cameron Vale wasn’t this resilient when he got tranq and yet David can easily shrug that off; continuity what’s that? David asked his mother if she was giving Ephemerol before he was born and why they didn’t tell him he’s a Scanner. However, it’s revealed they’re not his real parents but his adoptive parents. His real parents are what for it…..Cameron Vale and Kim Obrist who place David in care of the Kellums when he was a baby for safety sake. The Kellums are not what happen to Cameron and Kim but are aware they die. A little bit later one of Forrester men and Drak arrived at Kellums looking for David; they approached Pa Kellum about David’a whereabouts but he immediately lies. The two follow him to his house and proceed to kill him and Ma Kellum. David heard gunshots from afar run quickly back to the house only to find Pa Kellum barely alive and Ma Kellum dead. Cut to an ambulance already en route but Pa Kellum starts to die. David somehow wills his powers to keep Pa Kellums; through telepathy David learns that he has a sister who lives up north. David travels up north to Lake Washimeska where he stops at a cabin; there he finally meets his sister Julie Vale (played by Deborah Raffin). She tells him that their parents were bringing Scanners together discussing what to do with their powers. Some interested parties (Forrester and Morse) wanted to use Scanners for reasons that Cameron and Kim both opposed. So these interested parties had Cameron and Kim killed; yeah somehow this film managed to kill off one Scanner that’s so powerful that he completely inhabits another body. Julie had a fiancé named Walter who is also a Scanner, he signed up for a program to test a new drug eight years ago Eph 1. Just like the Eph 2 junkies he became addictive and disappeared. David wants to stop Forrester and Morse with her help but Julie refuses and prefers to let the humans destroy themselves. David doesn’t want that and goes back to the institute alone. David goes to the mayor’s home to warn her about Forrester and his new order; she doesn’t believe him until he displays his powers. The mayor’s fully convinced and calls the assistant director but is shot and killed by one of Forrester’s men. House is surrounded by police but David managed to escape and evades the police; he’s almost scot-free until he’s cornered by Drak. David tries to convince Drak not to fight together but to join for a better use of their powers. But given that Drak is bat-shit crazy he’s happier of being a murderous psychopath. Drak attempts to suck David’s brain dry…..ugh dude there was this guy who try that with someone else it didn’t turn out so well might wanna rethink that option. Anyway Drak is distracted by the interference of Julie allowing David to escape with her. David and Julie arrived at the institute; figuring out a way to see inside Julie teaches David a trick to psychically see what the other person sees. They use this trick on Forrester’s lackey who has arrived at the institute. Through his eyes they see the secret lab where the junkie Scanners are kept; one of whom Julie recognizes is her fiancé Walter. Forrester’s lackey approaches Morse for Julie through the lackey to psychically push Morse on to a table of Eph 2 filled syringes….OUCH! After which apparently a normal human injected with Eph 2 has deadly effects therefore Morse dies. Drak shows up and senses David in the lackey’s mind and attempts to kill him. David and Julie fight back but the lackey’s body can’t anymore of the psychic pressure to the point that you guessed it his head go KABOOM! Wow two head explosions in one Scanners film that’s gotta be a record. David and Julie rush into the institute and took out a few guards; one guard shoots Julie with a tranquilizer leaving David to rescue Walter and the other junkie Scanners. David is confronted by Drak and is getting mind crush when Walter and the rest of the junkie Scanners combine their powers with David and killed Drak. Forrester gets cornered by the press after arriving at the institute claiming he’s been using Scanners and been deliberately killing criminals to gain popularity. Forrester denies these claims but David shows up scans him to confess everything Forrester did. Forrester grabs a shotgun about to shoot David but he and Julie scan Forrester to the point that his face gets horribly disfigured. David announces to the press that Scanners mean no harm just here to help. David is united with Alice and Julie with Walter; David and Julie reached each other psychically one last time before the film ends.

My Final Verdict: This film overall may not be on par with Scanners but in fairness I give a B+ for the effort. The body horror effects are alright I wouldn’t say cheap or lazy but more like toned down just a tad. The film was made ten years after the first film and it rather shows; it does try to stay continuity with the first film as much as possible I think.

Well that’s one film done and it wasn’t too bad so let’s what the next one offers. Next time it’s Scanners III: The Takeover stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Push

Well I’ve seem to be making some kind of record reviewing films about psychics so here comes another one. Now I promise this film won’t be so boring as Speed of Thought, though I can’t promise it’ll be as good as Scanners or Dreamscape. We start off at hotel where we see a father and son in hiding from an organization called “Division”. The father Jonah (played by Joel Gretsch) tells his son Nick that someday he meets a young girl who gives him a flower he has to help her. And trust me this will come to play later. Suddenly a group of armed men arrived outside of the hotel room ready to capture the two. Jonah uses his telekinesis to help his son to escape before the armed men enter the room. Nick hides in the hallways as he watches an agent Henry Carver (played by Djimon Hounsou) leading the men to breach in the room. As they enter the room there’s sudden noise erupts from the room and then a few people are thrown out of the room. Nick continues watching Carver and his men leaving, apparently Jonah dead and is being taken to a lab. We cut to the opening credits as a young girl narrates about people with psychic abilities. These people were experimented on 1945 by the Nazi, turning those with psychic abilities into soldiers. Even after the war was over the experiments continue with many psychics dying during the experiments. Other governments around the world formed what they called “Divisions”, trying to achieve with the Nazi couldn’t. These psychics are identified in one of nine categories, Watchers (people who see the future but the outcome can be vary). Movers (other term for telekinetic), Pushers (people who can put thoughts in your head making whatever lie they come up with the truth). Bleeders (people who can emit high-pitched sonic vibrations that cause internal ruptures on the target). OK how exactly emitting high-pitched sonic vibrations is psychic related? I may have some theories but I waiting for this film to give out some and I doubt it’ll give out any. Moving on Sniffs (they’re like psychic bloodhounds they can track anyone anywhere by having a tactile access to a person’s belongings). Shifters (people who can temporarily alter the appearance of an object), Wipers (people who can erase memories). Shadows (people who can shield others from the visions of Sniff and if they’re powerful enough Watchers). Stitch (people who can psychically heal others by touch). After the narration is over we cut to ten years later at a Division lab where a woman Pusher Kira Hudson (played by Camilla Belle) is getting an injection of R-16. This drug is meant to boost a psychic’s power but end up dying after the drug is injected. However, Kira has survived the boost and is now the Division’s patient zero. Soon after the drug boost, Kira immediately recovers and escapes the lab as she snatches a syringe of R-16. Carver who witnessed the whole event orders to all Division Sniffs to track her down and recover the syringe. We cut Hong Kong where the now grown up Nick (played by Chris Evans) lives in hiding from Division. That is until he’s approached by two Division Sniffs, they asked if he knows of a woman who stole something them. Obviously Nick doesn’t know what they’re talking about and two Sniffs leave. Nick starts packing up but gets a call on the phone then a knock on the door. Nick opens the door to find out it’s a young girl, a Watcher name Cassie Holmes (played by Dakota Fanning). They head to a restaurant and Cassie tells Nick that the two of them have to find six million dollars and a woman. The same woman who the Division is looking for (Kira), Nick is skeptical about it and leaves the restaurant. Cassie tries convincing him to help her until she gets a vision of four psychics who are after them, Cassie panics and has Nick running away with her.

They’re soon confronted by the four psychics the “Pop Triad” a family of three Bleeders and one Watcher. Pop Father (played by Haruhiko Yamanouchi) who’s a Bleeder, Pop Girl (played by Xiao Lu Li) who’s a Watcher, and the Pop Boys (played by Kwan Fung Chi and Jacky Heung) who are both Bleeders. I wish I was joking on the names but according to the end credits it’s no joke. Apparently they too are looking for Kira and based on Pop Girl’s vision Nick seems to know her. But again Nick doesn’t know who they’re talking about. Cassie takes Nick’s gun and throws it at Pop Girl and Nick telekinetically pushes Pop Father and one of the Pop Boys to a wall. Nick and Cassie run away but are pursued by the Pop Boys who unleash their deadly sonic screams to stop them. One of the Pop Boys unleashes his sonic scream on Nick almost killing him. Nick telekinetically pushes Cassie away from the triad allowing her to get away. Pop Girl gets a vision where Kira is nowhere to be seen, meaning that if Nick dies they won’t find Kira. So Pop Girl tells the Pop Boy to spare Nick. Later we see Cassie using her visions to find Nick at a kind of memorial shrine where she meets a Stitch name Teresa Stowe (played by Maggie Siff) apparently sent by Cassie’s mother. She allows Teresa to heal Nick and he’s fully healed instantly, Nick awakes a few minutes later and Cassie gives him a flower. Nick then realizes that she’s the one he’s supposed to help. Cassie explains that her mother was taken away by the Division due to becoming a bit too powerful for them to control. She then tells him that the future has changed around to the point that they may die in the outcome. Cut to Kira walking around the streets on Hong Kong until she’s caught by the two Sniffs from earlier. On the way back to Carver, Kira tries to “push” one of the Sniffs wanting to use the restroom. They stop at a coffee shop and one of the Sniffs takes her to the restroom. Kira attempts to push the Sniff by looking at his eyes in the mirror, the attempt works and has him believing that he had a brother and his Sniff partner killed him. With this belief he proceeds to the front of the coffee shop and shoots his partner dead from behind. He snaps out of it, realizes what he’s done and runs back to the restroom. Kira gets the jump on him, managed to take him and leaves the coffee shop. Cut to nighttime with Nick and Cassie in a cab, Nick looks through Cassie’s sketchpad and recognizes a logo of a nightclub with a bead next to be. Nick sees the bead as a possible clue and the two proceed to the nightclub. We cut to the Sniff reporting back Carver and his Mover partner Victor Budarin (played by Neil Jackson), Carver not too happy of Kira’s escape he pushes the Sniff to put the gun in his mouth and pull the trigger. Pushing him to believe that the gun is not loaded, the Sniff complies but only to shoot himself dead. Nick and Cassie arrived at the nightclub only to meet up with Nick’s Shifter friend Hook Waters (played by Cliff Curtis). Hook used to work for Division until they let him go with a threat to never shift again, but when he did to buy his wife a gift. Only to find out his wife die in a car accident however, his wife doesn’t drive. Nick asked Hook to shift up a bead that will lead them to Kira, after which Hook points them to a Sniff Emily Hu (played by Ming-Na). We cut to her place where Nick and Cassie already arrived asking for her help. She’s hesitated at first but decides to help, pulls out a bead that apparently the Division has been spreading around to other Sniffs. She then tracks Kira down at public pier; a little bit later Nick and Cassie arrived at the pier and found Kira. However, Kira is not all that thrilled to see them as she opens fire on them with the gun she took from one of the Sniff. Nick recognizes her immediately and tries to talk her down; apparently he and Kira had a relationship until she was caught by the Division. Kira explains that the Division is after her and a case she hid away. She doesn’t know what’s in the case due to having a Wiper erasing two days of her memory. Apparently having most of your memories erase can prevent from being tracked by Watchers.

Cassie is a bit spooked by Kira after getting a vision of her, Nick and her mother dead and wants to leave her behind before things get worse. But Nick has a better idea of getting a Shadow to shield Kira from Sniffs. The three meet up with a Shadow Pinky Stein (played by Nate Mooney) and hold up at a hotel room; still not comfortable with this plan Cassie leaves the room to be by herself. Sensing a possible love scene coming up, Pinky decides to stay out in the hallway to give the Nick and Kira privacy. While the two are sucking faces Cassie is confronted by Pop Girl claiming that she and the others will die. Desperate to turn the tide, Cassie gets an adult to buy a bottle of liquor to power her ability. Yeah she explains it earlier at the nightclub that her mother would drink just to get clearer visions and was quite popular for it. I guess that makes sense but I’m just too distracted on how terrifying a drunken psychic could be. So yeah we’re treated with a drunken Dakota Fanning; at least acting to be drunk I’m hoping so. But oddly enough it does work as she gets a vision of the Pop siblings showing up with Nick and the others already long gone. Nick and the others split up to two groups; Kira goes off with Pinky while Nick goes off with Cassie. Nick decides to take the fight to Carver in order to protect Kira and the others. He asked Emily to locate Carver with the bead she has and finds him at a restaurant. Nick heads to the restaurant and confronts Carver; holding him and Victor at gunpoint telekinetically. Carver tells Nick that Kira needs another injection of R-16 otherwise she’ll die. Nick doesn’t believe him but Carver continues on describing signs of her dying such as her blood turning black. Nick gets distracted that he loses his concentration long enough for Victor to grab one of the guns and the scene breaks into an awesome telekinetic gunfight. Nick and Victor continue the gunfight telekinetically until they ran out of bullets. Victor has Nick in a hold and proceeds to telekinetically tosses Nick around like a rag doll. Victor has Nick telekinetically pinned to the ceiling and starts crushing him but Carver tells him to let Nick go and the two leave. Nick and Cassie meet up with Pinky and a now very ill Kira; she remembers the constants in the case is the syringe of R-16 she stolen. Cassie gets a vision of her holding Kira’s shoe; she inspects the shoe and finds a key as Kira suddenly slips into unconsciousness. Nick, Cassie, Pinky and now Hook show up at Emily’s place with Kira in tow. Nick gives Emily the key to find what it unlocks but Emily can’t seem to put up anything. Apparently whatever the key unlocks it’s being shade a powerful Shadow; so powerful in fact that even Cassie can’t find this place. But it does help her narrow down to a under construction building that doesn’t appear in her vision. The group tries to figure out how to find the case without Pop Girl or any Division Watchers knowing their every move. Nick comes up with a plan to give last minute instructions to the group and the last instructions he gives to himself then have his memories of the plan to be erased. Even though they’ll be “flying blind” as Hook puts it no Watcher won’t trace their movements. Kira continues to get worst leaving Nick no choice to surrender her to Carver but has promised to come after her. We cut to Kira being handed over to Carver by Pinky; we then meet up him taking Nick to a Wiper Wo Chiang (played by Paul Car). Nick ask Wo to erase two hours of memory; as Cassie and the others opened their instructions, Wo complies and erase two hours of Nick’s memory. Pop Girl loses the visions of Nick’s plan completely unable to predict what he and the others are doing. Later Hook goes to the under construction building, retrieves the case and switch the R-16 with a syringe of soy sauce. Hook then returns to Emily’s and shifts an exact appearance of the case and syringe. Cassie takes the fake case to Nick’s place and leaves; later Nick awakes and reads his instruction to return to his place. Once there he sees the case but Teresa gets the jump on him by physically disabling him. The Pop Boys show up and take off with the case; Teresa tries to question Nick on where Cassie is but he has her at telekinetic gunpoint to fix him up. The Pop Boys return to the triad with the case but SURPRISE SURPRISE the case’s a fake. At a hotel room Kira gets treated and it’s reveal to her by Carver that she’s an agent of the Division and is Carver’s partner. He explains that she volunteered for the drug boost; insisted that she’ll survive the procedure. She doesn’t fully believe him so Carver helps her to remember by pushing her. Playing the Total Recall card are we movie? OK, I’ll play your game.

Cut to Nick and Cassie going their separate ways as Pop Girl starts tracking down Cassie. Cassie wonders through the streets constantly drawing herself dead next to a tiger. She comes across a small restaurant and heads to the back area; she spots some boxes with a picture of a tiger. And that’s when Pop Girl comes from behind with a gun. She’s about to shoot Cassie until Wo comes at Pop Girl from behind erasing all of her memories. Nick calls up Carver and wants to trade Kira for the syringe; Carver agrees. Nick arrives at the hotel only to be confronted by Carver, Victor and the fully suborned Kira. She tells him that everything they together before the Division caught her never happened. It was all a push by her since they first met by the pier. Nick gets a call from Hook and gives Carver the phone; Hook tells him where the syringe is hidden. Carver and the others arrived at the under construction building; Nick is knocked unconscious after Carver admitted to him that what he said to Kira was all a push. Now say it with me FOOL YOU! Carver, Victor and Kira retrieved the case when they are confronted by the Pop Triad demanding for the syringe. Now a fight has broking out between the psychics and the triad. Victor starts force pushing most of the armed triad members; one triad member gets thrown out of the building and falls on to a trunk of a car where Nick was stashed. Nick awakes up, frees himself from the handcuffs and goes into the building. Nick arrives to the top floor as the fight continues; Kira takes control of five triad members as Victor takes on Nick. The two go into a fight of telekinetic punches from the both of them. And honestly the effects of the telekinetic punches are rather impressive. You see Legend of Chun-Li THIS IS HOW YOU DO PSYCHO POWER! Anyway the telekinetic fight continues until of one the Pop Boys show up and death scream the two. Victor takes a bamboo stick and telekinetically throws it at Pop Boy to the neck. Pop Father sees his dead son and goes ape shit death scream on Victor; killing him instantly. Nick takes out Pop Father by telekinetically dropping bamboo construction on top of him. The fight concludes with Kira’s mind controlled triad members taking out any stragglers. As Kira commands her droids to fall to their death, Nick tries to snap her out of it telling her that Carver pushed her with lies. Carver shows up beats, Nick down and pushes him to jump to his death. But somehow Nick shrugs it off, beat down Carver and grabs the syringe. OK how did Nick managed to overcome Carver’s push, when could he overcome Carver’s push? Does this mean that anyone can do this, could that Sniff who ate a bullet earlier do it? I think I know what just happened this has been another Bullshit Ex Machina. Anyway Carver pleads to Nick not to inject himself because it may kill him. Nick attempts to help Kira to remember but she shows no response; so Nick takes the injection and “dies”. Carver and Kira leaves with a few seconds later Cassie shows up and Nick is OK apparently he injected himself with soy sauce. Nick and Cassie take off with the real syringe pretty much leaving the film open for a sequel. But I have a feeling that’s not gonna happen and I feel rather disappointed about that. We cut to Carver and Kira on a private jet home; Kira looks through her purse and finds a red envelope and opens to find a picture of her and Nick at Coney Island with a message “Kill Him, See U Soon”. This breaks Carver’s push and the film ends with Kira pushing Carver to kill himself.

My Final Verdict: This film is average but wasn’t bad enough, it’s a one up to Speed of Thought. I wasn’t bored out of my mind trying to review this film so that’s something to go with. The effects were decent and again Legend of Chun-Li THIS IS HOW YOU DO PSYCHO POWER! The fight scenes were pretty good with most of the psychic powers involved. The acting for the most part is OK, none of the characters and their performances didn’t make me feel like I wanna go to sleep.

You know since I’ve already reviewed a psychic film, I’m in the mood to do more. So next time we’re diving into the Scanners sequels and spin-offs starting Scanners II: The New Order stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Kaena The Prophecy

And welcome back with part two of this Final Fantasy-esque review so let's get started.

We open in space where an alien vessel explodes at the orbit of a sap planet Astria, after the explosion most of the ship crash landed on the planet surface. The survivors of the vessel (the Vecarians) are killed off by furious sap-beings (the Selenites). As the opening credits continue we see a tree starting to grow, as the opening credit ends we cut to 600 years later where humans are living in a great tree (Axis). Axis is so massive it extends up as far as the clouds. Here we're introduced to Kaena (voiced by Kristen Dunst) whom as long as she remembers has been having dreams about a "blue sun" at the base of Axis. She and her people spend their lives collecting sap as tribute to their gods to protect however, the sap has now be a bit scarce to collect. Kaena is sitting by herself taking in to the beautiful sight of Sharkens (flying creatures) flying amongst the clouds. Until she's attack by one of the Sharkens and runs away. She continues to get away from the Sharken until she's trapped in small crevice; she bumps into a sharp metal object that seems to resemble a knife. As she tries to dig the knife out, the Sharken uses its tongue to pull her out of the crevice. She manages to get the knife out and cuts free from the tongue and the Sharken flies away. Later we cut to Kaena visiting Ilpo (voiced by Dwight Schultz) who is rather a little crazy due to visiting the "Great Oblivion". Ilpo notices the knife Kaena now owns and starts talking about being attack by a giant creature (the Marauder) and was falling but saved by a worm creature. He then tells her about seeing a man but wasn't a man and then saying something about "above is below, below is above". Kaena hears the summoning horn and heads to the village temple for the sap offering. At the temple the sap is being lifted upward to the "well of the gods" but then a quake happens. The people believe that their gods are angry but the grand-priest (voiced by Gary Martin) tells them that the gods are testing their faith and convinced them to place their lives in the hands of the gods by not moving. This idea will come back to bite them in the ass later. So the people do what he said and not move however, the Grand-Priest plays the chicken-shit hypocrite card by MOVING when a falling rubble is about to crush him. After the quake is over everyone believes that the gods save him, except for Kaena who saw him moved. Kaena confronts him arguing how her parents moved but he deems them as impure. And that their so called gods didn't save her parents when they died. The Grand-Priest tries to talk Kaena down from her blasphemy against the gods but she refuses to listen as she shows the knife she found. Grand-Priest fearing that she's provoking the gods tries to take the knife away but accidentally cuts himself as it slips from his hands. Assuming that Kaena was trying to kill him the Grand-Priest believes that she has become a danger to her people. Kaena runs out of the temple as the Grand-Priest summons the villagers to catch her but she's already made it out of the village. We cut to nightfall and Kaena is found by her friend Zehos (voiced by Tom Kenny) he believes she didn't try to kill the Grand-Priest and tries to convince her to return to village. But she refuses because she believes there's another world at the base of Axis and sets out to find it. Back at the temple the Grand-Priest is approached by one of their gods Voxem (voiced by Keith David) which turns to be one of the Selenites from the start of the film. Voxem is not all pleased with the harvest and tells the Grand-Priest to focus on the next harvest and to forget about Kaena.

A little bit later the Grand-Priest summons the villagers to harvest more sap for the gods. As that goes on the films pads out by cutting to Kaena and Zehos traveling downward of Axis. Later the harvested sap is lifted up to well of the gods as we transition from the village to some kind of Selenite lair where see a Selenite Queen (voiced by Anjelica Huston). She desperately demands more sap but Voxem replies that there may be no more with the sap drying out and the villagers can't any more. Voxem tries to persuade the Selenite Queen to consider the "fusion" but she refuses as long as this "monster" continues to steal their sap. The monster she referring to is this great spherical device that came from the Vecarian vessel 600 years ago. Apparently for the past six centuries this device has been drying Astria of its sap starving the Selenites in the process as they try to kill it. When the Axis-Dwellers appeared they've using them as slaves to harvest sap for them to survive hence the Axis-Dwellers worships the Selenites as gods. Kaena and Zehos reached an area of Axis where beyond the clouds lies the Great Oblivion, Zehos decides to return to the village while Kaena continues on. As Kaena continues downward to the Great Oblivion, she's being stalked by a Marauder which is being controlled by Voxem. He commands the Marauder to kill Kaena and the Marauder obeys. Kaena hears the Marauder and runs away as it gives chase. She then ends up running off a ledge and falls on to a branch and goes unconscious. Suddenly a worm creature in a suit of armor swoops in and carries her to safety from the Marauder. Seeing from the point of view of the Marauder, Voxem deduce that there may be a Vecarian survivor. We cut to what we can tell is an infirmary room where Kaena is being patch up by the Vecarian survivor Opaz (voiced by Richard Harris) and his worm creatures. One of the worms Gommi (voiced by Greg Proops) protest in saving Kaena but Opaz believes that she maybe special in some way. Another worm Assad (voiced by Michael McShane) tells Opaz that Kaena is different from the other village and may have spoken about a device called Vecanoi. Gommi continues to be skeptical about the whole thing until Kaena awakens and panics at the sight of her saviors. Not familiar with her new surroundings, Kaena stumble around some of the areas of a makeshift vessel built together from parts of the destroyed Vecarian ship. She reaches outside of the vessel and ends up at the top of Axis which it's in orbit of Astria and a neighboring planet Talless. That's a pretty big tree. Later Opaz explains to Kaena how he came to Axis after the Vecarian ship exploded. He was a baby place in suspended animation when the ship was destroyed and landed safely at the top of Axis. Kaena realizes that she's been climbing up the roots of Axis instead of down and that the blue sun must be at the bottom of Axis. Opaz asks her about this blue sun and she shows her a draw of it which coincidently looks similar to Selenite Queen's "monster". Opaz immediately recognize it as Vecanoi, some kind of device that contains all of the knowledge of the Vecarians. Back at the Selenite Lair the Selenite Queen makes another attempt to destroy Vecanoi, she attacks with Sindel scream but once again has no effect on Vecanoi. However, it does cause Vecanoi to suffer as it cause a quake back at Kaena's village. Kaena senses Vecanoi being attack by an evil force as if she's somehow connected to Vecanoi. Back at the village the quake starts and everyone start panicking. Oh sorry by panicking I mean staying still waiting to be crush because the Grand-Priest told to put their lives in the hands of their false gods. Kaena tells Opaz what she sensed and has a feeling that Vecanoi and Axis are linked. She then decides to return to the village to help her people, Opaz joins her and for the two to find Vecanoi.

Cut to nightfall with the Axis village destroyed and most of the people are either injured or killed. Zehos spots the Grand-Priest entering the ruined temple and proceeds to follow him. He listens in on the Grand-Priest as he prays for the gods for help but gets no response. A villager enters the temple and asked him what the gods said to him. The Grand-Priest decides to lie and tells him that the gods have offered the people sanctuary among them and for everyone to leave the village by morning. Zehos still listening is shocked that the Grand-Priest lied. We cut to Kaena, Opaz, Gommi, and Assad gearing up and head straight to the village while the remaining worms make preparations for the ship to liftoff. Back at the village the people set out to join the gods but not Zehos as he stops his little brother Essy (voiced by Tara Strong) from joining them and instead find Kaena. The two are stopped by the Grand-Priest but Zehos tells Essy to run away as he is apprehended. Kaena and the others are halfway to the village when suddenly they're attacked by the Marauder. Remembering what Ilpo said when he encountered the Marauder, Kaena tells Opaz and the others not to move. Apparently the Marauder has the visual acuteness of the T-Rex from Jurassic Park meaning it won't see them if they don't move. But Gommi being a dumbass tries to leave with Opaz but is knocked down by the Marauder. Voxem commands it to capture Opaz but is stopped by Kaena as she cuts the Marauder's antenna which actually hurts it. Marauder chases after her until eventually it's about to kill her. Kaena makes a maneuver and cuts the antenna off completely causing the Marauder's vision to become disoriented. Thrashing wildly at Kaena, the Marauder eventually falls off a cliff plummeting to its death. A little bit later Kaena and the others make it to the village completely abandon except for Ilpo and Essy. Ilpo informs Kaena that everyone has gone up to the well of the gods. Kaena, Opaz, and Gommi continue on to save the villagers while Assad is ordered to stay behind and watch over Ilpo and Essy. At the Selenite Lair Voxem convinces the female Selenites to join him against the Selenite Queen in order to preserve their race. As it’s been made apparent that the Selenite Queen has been sacrificing her own people making her stronger in order to destroy Vecanoi. Kaena and the others make it to the bottom of Axis and continue on. Opaz comes clean to Kaena with his plan to remove Vecanoi, confessing that Vecanoi and Axis are not just connected but they’re the same. Revealing that Vecanoi created Axis and if Vecanoi is remove then Axis will die. Kaena refuses let her people and her world to die so she leaves Opaz and Gommi to rescue her people. Kaena arrives at the entrance to the Selenite Lair but is soon captured and imprisoned with her people. Soon after Kaena and her people are rescued gommi and everyone escapes back to the village while Kaena heads straight to Vecanoi to protect Opaz. We cut to Opaz attempting to make contact with Vecanoi but it doesn’t respond, he’s then attacked by the Selenite Queen. She demands him to kill Vecanoi but Opaz replies that Vecanoi won’t respond to him so with that she kills him. This gives Voxem and the female Selenites to fuse with the Queen, impregnating her with new Selenite offsprings. Kaena soon arrives to Vecanoi and finds Opaz dead when suddenly Vecanoi response to her presents. The Selenite Queen reappears about to give birth as Kaena attacks her. Her attacks are no good and is knocked out; Vecanoi makes contact to Kaena and connects to her. The Selenite Queen continues attacking Vecanoi but is eventually consumed by the offspring womb and dies. And I’m assuming the offsprings died as well…again assuming. Zehos and Gommi show up to attend to Kaena and Opaz. We cut to from what I can describe is Kaena mentally inside Vecanoi, she hears Opaz’s voice telling that his people are no more. He was the last of his kind while the others died 600 years ago. With only Vecanoi that survived it created a new reservoir of life, Axis so that humans can exist. Vecanoi created the people of Axis but more importantly it created Kaena. Vecanoi chose her to carry on the memory of the Vecarians, chosen to lead her people. Vecanoi disconnects from Kaena and starts a reaction that triggers Axis to grow, the very top of Axis reaches to Tallees. Kaena, Zehos, and Gommi got out of the Selenite Lair and make it back to the village. The film ends with Kaena guiding her people to a new world to begin again, to begin a better life. Free to learn, free to think for themselves.

My Final Verdict: This film has that Hero’s Journey theme going on at least that’s what I think anyway. You have Kaena who is not too thrilled with this life of harvesting and has this feeling that there’s something out there beyond Axis. This curiosity somewhat guides her to an adventure of discovering something bigger than what she realized. And when that adventure is over she now has developed a completely new perspective, a higher sense of strength and heart, and new friends that helped her along the way. Now I’m not going way too deep into this but for those out there who watches this film may understand of what I’m saying. The animation is rather decent despite a few flaws but not exactly a big of a deal. The story feels somewhat natural as it progresses throughout the film. The character interaction is pretty good they feel like they belong in the story. Overall it’s an enjoyable film. This was Richard Harris’s last film before he passed away back in 2002. You may remember him as the original actor who portrayed Professor Dumbledore from the first two Harry Potter films.

Well I’ve seem to be done here so stay tuned next time as we dive into Push.

The Film Vindicator Review: Ark

Hey and welcome back folks, well lets dive into this film. We start off when an opening narration of the planet Alcyone were two racial cultures (the Ceveans and the Storrians) have been at war with each other for centuries. This cause the planet to "defend itself" upon the warring races leaving most of the planet's populous nearly wiped out and the planet itself in ruin. But then the narration speaks of a Cevean priestess Amiel who helped other Ceaveans to build a great domed city on top of a giant robot god (the Ark). This Ark was meant for the all to leave the doomed planet and start anew however, the Storrians took control of the Ark and cast out the Ceaveans to the wastelands and Amiel mysteriously disappeared. Though the Storrians have claim the Ark of La'Dark they're unable to power and pilot it off the planet, so a century later they been in search for the missing Amiel and the Ark remains still. We cut to present day at the Ceavean wastelands where three Storrian soldiers investigate a cave which stores Ceavean children in hibernation pods. One of the soldiers Jallak (voiced by James Woods) recommends to call for support to transport the children back to La'Dark but the other two considered that it's a waste of resource. One of the two soldiers open fire on the Ceavean pods but Jallak intervenes and stops the soldier. The two of them fight as the soldier draws his gun but Jallak grabs hold and makes the soldier to shoot at the ceiling. Causing a Ceavean pod to fall on the soldier killing him instantly. The other soldier draws his gun on Jallak but he kicks the gun out of soldier's hand and draws his gun shooting the other soldier dead. A little later Jallak comes across a glowing Ceavean pod containing a little girl inside. Cut to 16 years later as we see the little girl grown up as Jallak's daughter Amarinth (voiced by Chiara Zanni). We see her displaying some bio electrical field which seems to affect machines and devices. This will be explained and come into play later trust me. We cut to a Storrian council as they discuss to the Storrian empress Cathebel (voiced of Tabitha St. Germain) of the dangers of the planet about to split in two. The empress is skeptical but will do anything to protect her people. Outside of La'Dark a battle is taking place, Ceavean rebels try to make their escape with a data disc. One of the rebels was carrying this disc but was shoot and killed by Storrian soldiers. They've obtain the disc and ordered by Jallak to take it to La'Dark. One of the surviving rebels Rogan (voiced by Kirby Morrow) tries to stop them but is immediately captured. Back at La'Dark Storrian scientists attempt make the Ark move but were unsuccessful, apparently the Storrians are trying to make the Ark leave the planet on its own power. But without Amiel to pilot the Ark they fail time and time again. On the streets of La'Dark, soldiers from the battle bring in Rogan but one of soldiers starts to torture him with gasoline. This gives Rogan the opportunity to set the gasoline ablaze, escaping from the soldiers and escape into the lower levels of the city. While that was going on, Amarinth is walking about as Rogan runs past her afterwards Jallak spots her on the street despite telling her not to be. Jallak and Amarinth have an argument until they're approached by Baramanda (voiced by Trevor Devall)....VILLAIN! I'm sorry had spoil that no offense to this film but this guy has the subtlety of David Patrick Kelly. It can't be helped when the guy looks a hell of a bit like Sephiroth if Sephiroth wore really silly robes and has long dark purplish hair. He is such an obvious villain he might as well have a sign over his head that says "Oh yeah I'm so gonna screw everyone over". Hell the guy has his own cyborg death bodyguards.

Anyway Baramanda shows Jallak that the data on the disc shows a general location of Amiel's remains and orders him to go investigate. At an interrogation chamber Baramanda tries to get info on where precisely Amiel's remains is located but the Ceavean prisoner refuses to answer. So Baramanda resorts to his cenobarbs (small creatures that can drain the life force from living beings). He throws a cenobarb at the prisoner and starts to feed; the prisoner tells him that Amiel's remains are at sanctum ruins. But the cenobarb continues to feed on him until he dies and apparently it's connected to Baramanda who in a way is draining the life force taking deep pleasure in doing so. Still not convinced he's the bad guy yet? At the sanctum ruins Jallak and his men discovered a Ceavean pod with Amiel inside who doesn't appear to be alive. Back at La'Dark Amarinth comes across Rogan who apparently was injured doing the escape. Amarinth offers Rogan to rest up at her place and he takes the offer. At her place they share their thoughts about the Ark and to Rogan's surprise that for a Storrian she cares for the Ceaveans. She's about patch up Rogan but he sees a photo and recognizes Jallak and immediately leaves her place. At the Ark core the scientists prep Amiel's body for initial testing but nothing happened. Empress Cathebel is angered by this and is tempted to have her council to execute an evacuation plan for the upper classes and the nobilities. But one of Storrian scientists Higgins (voiced by Jason Simpson) tells that there's another who's capable of piloting the Ark, Amiel's daughter. Baramanda speaks of Ceaveans hide their young in hibernation pods outside of La'Dark. Other scientists Anders (voiced by Fiona Hogan) suggest taking Amiel’s DNA and scanning the registered Ceavean slave girls for a match. Baramanda suggest scanning the Ceavean house maids and adoptive daughters as well. Jallak sensing that Amarinth could be the one and is in danger, he attempts to persuade Cathebel that it's all a waste of time. But unfortunately to no prevail, Cathebel orders the DNA scan search. The jig is up for Jallak when it's revealed that Amarinth is Amiel's daughter and is place under arrest. Baramanda arrives at Amarinth's place to collect her but is confronted by a dual gun wielding Rogan. Baramanda sends his two cyborg death bodyguards to attack Rogan but he eventually defeats them. Really Baramanda you couldn't brought along ten more of these guys, just thought that two would've been just fine? Ah oh well, Rogan grabs Amarinth and the two run away. Baramanda calls for some soldiers and war mechs to capture them but the two escape in a construction mech. Eventually they got away from the soldiers and made it to a forbidden area of the city. Amarinth is confused of what Baramanda said about being the daughter of Amiel but Rogan believes that she is the one. Rogan explains that she's meant to pilot the Ark and bring forth both the Ceaveans and the Storrians to a better world. But Amarinth is not so sure about this destiny of piloting La'Dark when Rogan corrects her with "it's not this Ark you have to pilot". More on that later. Amarinth and Rogan reached the city's underbelly to a Ceavean refuge; there it's revealed from an elder Ceavean about Amarinth's bloodline of ancient Ceavean priestesses. Amiel build the Arks from a science and technology passed to these priestesses by the gods. Building both Arks took all of Amiel's strength and went to sleep but never woke up again. But before then hid away Amarinth safely among the other Ceavean children and that she build the second Ark York in secret from the Storrians. Amarinth is the one in the bloodline destined to pilot York to a new world. Amarinth and Rogan received word from other refugees that Jallak is being publicly trial and soon after executed. The two arrived at the city square where the trial/execution is taking place; Amarinth decides to surrender herself Baramanda in order to save Jallak. Baramanda releases Jallak and takes Amarinth to the Ark core; however Baramanda gives the order to kill the slaves and Jallak. Outside Jallak and Rogan cause a distraction as they tell the Storrian people that Amiel has being found and is at the Ark core. Furthermore, one of the Storrian civilian tells that the council is planning to evacuate the upper classes and the nobilities and leave the underclass behind. This immediately causes the Storrian civilians to riot in the city square. Empress Cathebel tries to calm down the masses but is shot and killed from afar by a Storrian civilian.

As the riot continues, Jallak and Rogan attempt to sneak into the Ark core to rescue Amarinth. Back at the Ark core Baramanda set up Amarinth for Ark activation however, it appears that he has other plans. It turns out Baramanda wants Amarinth's power to pilot the Ark and bring the Storrians out the darkness instead of her. Anders protest this notation but is shot down by order of Barbamanda; wow you stay a douchebag long enough to level up from Sephiroth to Kefka that’s impressive. Baramanda reveals his cenobarb covered chest and begins draining Amarinth's life force; oh man I can just smell the Resident Evil jokes. Jallax and Rogan arrived at the Ark core and most of Baramanda's men and two of his cyborg death bodyguards. Now I say there's two of them because somehow there's a bit of continuity hiccup where after Baramanda finishes draining Amarinth a third cyborg death bodyguard appears out of nowhere. And then after Amarinth's blood starts a reaction that causes Amiel's body to disappear into a stream of energy, the third CDB is gone. OOPS! Amarinth soon recovers when La'Dark begins to become unstable. Amarinth and Rogan escape via escape pods while Jallak and his subordinate Piriel (voiced by Kathleen Barr) stay behind to stop the Ark before the city is destroy. A little bit later Baramanda reappears looking like he's been infected with T-Virus enters the sarcophagus and takes control of the Ark. Jallak contacts Higgins asking how to stop the Ark, Higgins infos him about a self-destruct mechanism at the cranial control. Amarinth and Rogan arrived at the Ark of York, they enter the core and Amarinth is about to take control. However, it's revealed that once merging with the core of the Ark comes at price of one's own life. Rogan protest at first but with La'Dark coming towards York and about to destroy the Ceaveans and the Storrians, Amarinth decides to go through with it. As La'Dark closing in on York, Amarinth enters the sarcophagus and takes control of York. Baramanda is about to crush York but Amarinth counters and pushes La'Dark, and the climax of the film breaks into a giant robot fight. And if I dare say....AWESOME. The fight continues until Amarinth breaks the city pod off of La'Dark. This gives Jallak and Piriel the chance to activate the self-destruct destroying La'Dark for good. The Ark of York along with La'Dark's city pod leaves Alcyone as it begins to break apart. The film ends with the Ceaveans and the Storrians living on a new world as Rogan narrates of what has been happening.

My Final Verdict: Though the animation is not exactly on the same level with Final Fantasy The Spirits Within in quality it’s not entirely terrible. Story-wise it’s OK it seems to established the setting and characters throughout the film. The main characters seem to be well structured at least their interaction with each other feels like they have a bit of depth. Whereas Spirits Within the characters felt like there were just there, I mean they appear to have a propose but their interaction and characterization barely have any weight to them. At least in this film there’s actual antagonists that have a propose whereas Spirits Within the Phantoms were just thrown in as a pilot device. They weren’t necessarily antagonists but more or less misunderstood victims of circumstances. Overall the animation is above average but the story seems to hold on its own merit in my opinion.

But wait we’ll not done yet there’s one more film to go. Next time its Kaena The Prophecy stay tuned.

The Cast House: Hellsing

Before making this one I asked some of my friends which actors would portray these characters and one of them recommended these actors. Not only that but thought up a story that won't contradict the story from manga which goes like this. A brief origin of Seras and then go into a Side Story that has no effect on the stories from the manga so cut about half the characters (Maybe keeping a brief glimpse of the major and show him behind the events of the story) So here's to hoping that some film-maker out there may have the same level critical thinking as my friend because god help us all if we end up with another Dragonball Evolution.

The Film Vindicator Review: Steel

I'm gonna say this right off the bat this film is just pitiful. Yeah I'm jumping way ahead of myself but giving that I've researched this character from my tradepaper copy of Return of Superman I have every right to. To start in the book before the events of Death of Superman, John Henry Irons was saved by Superman after he saved a fellow high steel worker. John says to Superman that he owes him his life and Superman responds "then make it count for something." This inspired John to repay Superman for saving him; during the last moments of Death of Superman John sees Superman fighting Doomsday. John attempts to save Superman but was buried under rubble but managed to crawl himself out. After the Death of Superman event Metropolis goes into utter disarray with Superman "dead"; John finally gets to make up that repayment. Using his weapons engineering skills, John builds an armored suit and dawns the name Steel to protect Metropolis in Superman's name. There's more in this backstory but I'll get to them during this review.

We open on a U.S. military testing ground where a tank enters the area; from a distance a gun appears firing a laser and some weird bolts of sparkling stuff at the tank. After the test we're introduced to John Henry Irons (played by Shaquille O'Neal), his partner Susan "Sparky" Sparks (played by Annabeth Gish) whom I'm assuming doesn't exist in the comic. And the most obviously the film's antagonist Nathaniel Burke (played by Judd Nelson). Now if you're familiar with Steel you can clearly see what's wrong here. First, though he is a weapons engineer but at the same time is not with the military where as in the comics he's a weapons engineer for a military corporation. And not only that and this is a bit of a nitpick but the weapons here are peashooters compare to the giant BFGs in the comics that can turn your torso into a crater. Seriously freaking Duke Nukem would want two of these things. Anyway we cut to the testing of a sonic cannon which fires an ultra-low frequency burst of sound energy. Capably of taking down an army without killing them. And here's another problem here the film has John Henry Irons making weapons that don't kill which I've find that silly considering he works for the military. In the comics Irons made weapons that kill but soon becomes disgusted when innocent people are being killed by the same weapons he designed. Then eventually leaves the company when he discovers he's weapons being sold to terrorists by the same company he worked for. Now this makes sense where as in comparison to this film they made him a pansy and yet still makes lethal weapons. Well giving that he works for the military what do you usually make weapons for? Oh I don't know.....TO KILL THINGS. Anyway Burke insists to fire the cannon but beforehand without Irons and Sparks notice he re-calibrates the cannon to a higher power setting which Sparks explains has not been tested yet. At the last second Irons sees the power setting and tries to stop him but Burke fires the cannon. The sound burst hits an abandon building but for some reason ricochets off that building to the same building Irons, Sparks, and Burke are in. OK one sound doesn't work that way, yes sound does bounce off other objects. But sound doesn't ricochet off objects like it's a freaking bullet. The sound burst cause the ceiling to collapse burying Sparks in the process. Irons hulks the frak out and lifts up the rubble but the film abruptly cuts to a court room scene. Editing, what's that? Irons is on the stand telling the judge what happened, so in a flashback Irons saves Sparks but she has sustained severe spinal injuries and her legs have been crushed. Irons then tells the court that he noticed the cannon was re-calibrated by Burke therefore Burke is dismissed from the military. Irons decides to leave the military after what happened to Sparks and move back to Los Angeles. That's right not Metropolis Los Angeles, I guess it's because that Shaq was with the L.A. Lakers at the time this film was made. That or writers were too lazy to use Metropolis as a far more proper setting for this film. We cut to Burke in L.A. at an arcade company which apparently is a front for illegal weapons selling. Burke approaches the weapons seller in charged Willy Daniels (played by Steve Mattila) with a proposal of selling new generation of weapons. The same weapons that Irons design and somehow Burke has the blueprints he took from the military to make them. OK just how exactly did he stolen classified military weapons blueprints, I'm pretty sure they would be missing something that important. And also I didn't mention earlier Burke is not a character from the comics which I explained in my Supergirl review is my personal pet peeve. Now the antagonist from the comic was a Dr. Angora Lapin (alias White Rabbit) who worked for the same weapons company as Irons. After Irons left she took his designs of a BG-60 gun prototype and began building newer versions of this gun to be sold to street gangs in Metropolis. Furthermore, Irons and Lapin had a romantic relationship at one time which she uses this to her advantage against him. You can already see how this could have made a far better Steel film than what we got now.

While walking to his grandma Odessa's house, Irons comes across his little brother Martin (played by Ray J). They arrived at grandma Odessa's (played by Irma P. Hall) who is making a soufflé, now I find this confusing yet funny considering that in the comic Irons' grandparents are rather dead. Do you just love adaptations being incredibly inaccurate to the source materials? Back at the uhm......evil gun dealers/arcade place, Burke tests out a new prototype laser peashooter. Despite a little accident with the gun backfired a guy testing it, Willy is impressed with the results. Willy's assistant does not approve of Burke's methods but he doesn't take that well as a bit later he has the assistant killed off. Later we cut to Irons, Martin, and a cop friend Norma (played by Tembi Locke) heading to a town meeting until Norma gets a call of a bank robbery in progress. At the bank we see an armored Humvee carrying masked men armed with Irons' weapons. They began their raid on the bank as a police car arrives to the scene. Irons and the others arrive at the scene to witness the cops being gun down by the masked men. Irons gets out of the police car and attends to the cops Martin follows suit. As the masked men make their way to the armored Humvee Norma drives her car in front of the Humvee prevented the masked man from escaping. But that was no good when of the masked men fires the sonic cannon at the police car flipping it across the street. Irons immediately heads towards the car and saves Norma before the car explodes. Irons spots one of the masked men who stood behind to grab some more money. The masked man starts running away but Irons gives chase; this chase continues until the two ended up at a train area. The masked man open fires on Irons and he takes cover, the masked man then fires a sonic pulse at the train Irons is hiding behind causing the it to fall on him. But Irons rolls out of the away in time; he catches up to the masking man as he attempts to question him. But unfortunately Irons gets shot in the shoulder by another masked man and the two of them escaped. The next day Irons gets info on the masked men from Martin who is apparently a bunch of well-known street gang. Irons heads to the gangs' hangout attempting to question them about the weapons but none of aren't talking so Irons leaves. It's revealed here that this gang is working for Burke. Later Irons visits Sparks at a VA hospital, he tells her that the weapons they designed are on the streets and needs her help to find the persons making them. She refuses to help but Irons is not having any of that and carries her out of the VA. OK guy not sure if carrying an inpatient out of the VA like that is even legal but whatever. We cut to Irons and Sparks at a junkyard setting up a HQ with the help of Uncle Joe (played by Richard Roundtree, my how the mighty have fallen). After an armor making montage, Irons is ready for action as Steel. We cut to a wealthy couple being robbed by a mugger; the mugger runs off to a construction site close by and is confronted by Steel. And on the first glimpse of the suit there are so much wrong with it. The most obvious one is that the S is not there; yeah in the comics there are a few incarnations where his suit doesn't have the S but still. That's like not having Superman flying and not having his cust....oh wait (Smallville). Another problem is the mask; I mean really they had to make his mouth uncovered. Oh yeah like no one is not gonna try to ID him that way or anything. Not to mention he doesn't even bother to disguise his monotone voice, oh for sure no one's not gonna recognize that voice at all. And lastly it does appear that the palms of his hands are not even covered, oh yeah don't worry about things like leaving palm-prints behind.

Anyway Steel takes down the mugger and returns the stolen items to the wealthy couple. He overhears Uncle Joe about a gang fight at Hill Street and heads there. Upon arriving at the scene, Steel intervenes with the fight and scare off the first gang. The second gang opens fire on Steel with no prevail; yes guys don't bother aiming for the uncovered mouth just shoot everywhere else. Gees you're making the Storm Troopers from Star Wars look like Allan Quatermain. The gang goes ahead and run him over but fails as he takes his hammer converts it into a sonic gun and shoots the car. The gang gets out of the car and tries to shoot him again but he activates an EM field inside the hammer. Making all their guns to fly out of their hands and attaching to his suit. That's very handy considering that the car in front of him seems to be remarkably not effective by the EM field. Continuity, what's that? Now there is a minor fight scene between Steel and the street gang but it's really not impressive especially when Shaq is moving around in that suit like the Tin Man with arthritis. The street gangs all run away and the police soon arrived to the scene. They attempt to arrest Steel but makes his getaway by......firing a grappling cable to a building and rappels up and away. OK....that's really stupid. This film couldn't have him make some rocket boots. Hell flipping Super Mario Bros had those Stompers which makes people jump high/float around and that film was made in 1993. You mean to tell me that between then and 1997 they couldn't make something similar for Steel to easily fly around in. Yeah it would look silly but at least they'll be a bit practical. It’s far more practical than 7 ft. tall man wearing an 800 pound metal suit on a thinly ass grappling cable. Steel makes it to the roof makes a run to jump to the next building and almost missed the ledge. I still think a pair of stompers would be much more effective. The cops arrive to the rooftop but Steel makes it to the other side of the building and rappels downward. But as soon as he's half way down the cable breaks and he falls into a large garbage bin. I still think a pair of stompers would be much more effective. He makes it out of the bin when more cops show up. He makes his escape on his motorcycle that's conveniently parked next to that same garbage bin. I'm not even gonna bitch about that. Anyway Steel gets away from the cops and makes it back to the junkyard. The next day news is spreading fast about the giant armored hero which gets Burke's attention to vise a plan to get rid of him. Later we cut to Steel and Uncle Joe on patrol in an unmarked moving van. I'll wanna bitch on how inconspicuous that sounds but I'm just about spent moving on. We cut to Burke's men taking out a circuit breaker for the Federal Reserve building. OK Irons keeps talking about how his weapons could be used to harm people and so far aside from a couple of cops getting hurt the worst these guys have done is robbing banks. I don't know about everyone else but that is pretty lame and a waste of technology. Anyway Steel and Uncle Joe gets the call from Sparks and the two head to the Federal Reserve. Burke's men entered the building and make their direct withdraw, they're about to make their getaway but are cut off by Steel. They open fire with their "weird bolts of sparkling stuff" at Steel to no effect. AIM FOR THE UNPROTECTED MOUTH STUPIDS! Steel fires off some tear gas at Burke's men........yeah sorry not making the S.W.A.T. 4 "AH YOU FOOL" joke here. One of Burke's men in the Humvee readies a sonic cannon and fires at Steel knocking him on his ass. A police car shows up to the scene and one cop attempts to arrest Steel. One of Burke's men shoots down a police helicopter that arrived on the scene. The helicopter falls and is about to crash on the cop but Steel runs right toward him and tackles him out of the way. Wow they should got some distance away from the burning helicopter huh? Steel makes his escape on his motorcycle which happens to be at scene somehow. Continuity is not this film's strong point is an it? Steel eventually gets away and returns to the junkyard.

While Burke's men have been robbing banks with these weapons he's been transmitting videos of these robberies to mafias and terrorists. Gaining a rather large interested in these weapons. Irons returns to grandma Odessa's about to get some rest until an S.W.A.T. team breaks in to the house and arrested Irons with physical evidence that he's behind the robberies. Really that was the best plan Burke can thought up, framing Irons for the robberies. Apparently he knows Irons' identity, where he lives, and the thought of firebombing the place wasn't sufficient enough for him. MOST PATHETIC VILLAIN EVER! So Irons is thrown in jail and you know what this adds nothing to the film because Sparks immediately gets him out so I'm skipping here a bit. Sparks discovers about anonymous videos and came across some info on a weapons auction happening tonight. Irons and Uncle are en route to the auction which located at an old factory. Suddenly Sparks gets by one of Burke's henchman; apparently Burke has been tracking them down to their HQ. Irons and Uncle Joe lost contact with Sparks but continue on to the factory. There Steel sneaks into the place and comes across the auction in progress. A henchman sneaks behind him and blast him with a sonic burst, knocking him down to the auction area. Burke does best cartoon villain shtick until Steel tricks him to switch on the EM field in the hammer. So Burke is REALLY that stupid, getting easily fooled like a village idiot left in charge of not pushing the History Eraser Button. And also really Steel you didn't make any wrist-blasters; I mean Steel in the comics had a wrist-blaster. Just in case that one primary weapon he carries around gets taken from him. But wait THERE'S MORE BULLSHIT! As soon as Burke orders his men to kill Steel, Sparks has a surprise for them. Apparently she made this new wheelchair armed with Irons' weapons and starts blasting the bad guys. OK she couldn't just use this wheelchair of death before she got captured? And what if that one henchman decided to play it smart and taken her without the wheelchair of death? Anyway a gunfight breaks out between Steel, Burke, and his henchmen. Burke plays the cartoon villain card again as he has Martin as a hostage the whole and attempts to make his escape. But Martin manages to get away from Burke and he and Steel are reunited. Burke attempts to kill them both with a newer, bigger sonic cannon. But Steel turns his back towards Burke causing the sonic burst to ricochet right back at Burke, knocking him on his ass, and getting buried by flaming rubble. Again sound doesn't work that way. Steel and Martin escape the burning factory and reunite with Sparks and Uncle Joe. As for the terrorists at the auction they've been apprehended by the military. The film ends with Irons and others celebrate at grandma Odessa's place for some nice soufflé. And at this point I have cease to care for this complete and utter waste of my time.

My Final Verdict: Just what is it with DC Comic films? When it comes to the likes of Superman and Batman they have some really good films. Now I say SOME because well there are a few that pretty much shit. My point is when comes to DC films based off characters such as Supergirl, Catwoman, Jonah Hex they're just stagnant. Steel is no different; this film is just weak in its execution. The dialogues are jaded considering that's how most shitty 90s films were. Leaving the film with really repugnant one-liners and goofy puns coming from the characters' mouths. Some of the touchy moments in the film fell between not adding up to anything to just come to an abrupt stop. The villains (or the lack thereof) are just painfully pathetic. Shaq is just a a big waste in this film. Not because he's a good actor in a shitty film. But because of the fact that he's not even a decent actor or an actor in general is why he's such a waste. His performance is pitiful and his monotone voice is no help to have me think otherwise. It’s like every scene he's in he sounds like he just woken up from a power sleep after a Lakers game. And let's not forget of how his performance in the armor is just degradingly poor. As an athlete he would think to train and rehearse in the suit to not move like an arthritic elephant. Freaking Peter Weller from Robocop had to train and rehearse on how to move like Robocop while in the suit. Shaq is only in this film because of his popularity as a basketball player and the film will keep reminding you on that aspect. I'm not gonna be specific of what I'm talking but I will put it like this. WE GET IT SHAQ YOU CAN'T MAKE THE FREE THROWS FOR SHIT AND GUESS WHAT NOBODY CARES!

Well I've talked about this piece of trash good enough and I don't think I feel taking on another film from the DC Comic shit pile. So instead I'm looking into two animated films that for some reason have more of a Final Fantasy vibe than The Spirits Within. Next time we dive into Ark, stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Thunderbirds

I'm gonna be honest here I kinda like the Thunderbirds TV series; I'm not quite a huge fan. But if a person can get popular with a show with puppets on strings and models I got nothing but respect. Now the Thunderbirds the live action film on the other hand I got more respect for a broke dick dog than this film let's find out why.

But first let's have a drinking game; the rule is simple and this is anyone who's a fan of the TV series. If there's any scene in the film that makes ZERO sense that you'll be scratching your head to the brain take a shot. Got it? Then let's get started. We open on Wharton Academy in Massachusetts where we're introduced to Alan Tracy (played by Brady Corbet) whom for some reason (aside from lazy writing) is NOT a part of the International Rescue team. Ugh.......why? Is this like Batman Begins it's an origin story film, if so that's stupid because in the show HE'S ALREADY A MEMBER! And take a shot. My god this kid has the most punchable face I've ever seen; he bet not be related to Bella Swan now. Basically all Alan does in the film is to bitch and whine of why is not an IR member yet and feel free to take an early shot. Alan and his friend Fermat Hackenbacker (played by Soren Fulton) (and I'm gonna be doing a lot of bitching on this character later) hears from another student that the Thunderbirds are on TV, he heads to where most of the students are gathered to see. We cut to an oil rig off shore of Russia where Thunderbirds 1 and 2 have arrived to rescue the oil rig workers. Thunderbird 1 is piloted by Virgil Tracy (played by Dominic Colenso) and Thunderbird 2 is piloted by Jeff Tracy (played by Bill Paxton) and you can already see what's wrong here. Why is Virgil piloting T1 Scott is the primary pilot and why is Jeff piloting T2 Virgil is the pilot? And why in the holy blue balls is Jeff out in the rescue field he's the guy who co-ordinates the rescue missions from Tracy Island? And go ahead and take about 3 shots there. I know I shouldn't be nitpicking everything here but it’s just the little things they screwed up here just pisses me off to no end. They manage to rescue the workers and put the fire out and dropped off the workers at a hospital. But little do they know that one of the workers has planted a tracking device on T1 as they head back to Tracy Island. Back at the academy Alan and Fermat are picked up by Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward (played by Sophia Myles) and her butler Parker (played by Ron Cook) and head off to Tracy Island. At the island surprise surprise more bullshit, we're introduced to Ray "Brains" Hackenbacker (played by Anthony Edwards) who has a rather insulting stammering problem. And I know Brains has this in the series but it's barely noticeable and subtle and trust me there's difference between being subtle and being insulting. And real punch in the balls here he has a son Fermat.....WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY! JUST WHEN DID BRAINS EVER KNOCKED UP A WILLING HELLHOUND THAT BIRTHED THIS DORK, WHAT PROPOSE DOES THIS LITTLE PUNK STAIN SERVES IN THIS FILM?! SERIOUSLY HAS THE FILM MAKER EVER WATCHED THE DAMN SERIES BECAUSE SOMETHING TELLS ME HE HAS NOT! Let see here take about 2 shots here. Anyway the Tracys are having dinner and......OK seriously aside from Jeff and Alan I can't even tell who's who among the other Tracys. They all look like a bunch of pretentious boy-band wannabes and what kind of a fail is this if you can't identify any of the other Tracys? And take a shot. Alan feels pissy of how his brothers are flying around in the Thunderbirds and he's not and leaves. A little bit later we're introduced to Kyrano (played by Bhasker Patel) and his daughter Tin-Tin (played by Vanessa Hudgens) both who are NOT Asian like the series fuck you very much film and take a shot. And yes I'm aware that Alan and Tin-Tin are involve romantically; oh yeah that part from the show they get it right while everything else gets butt-fuck for the sake of lazy writing. Alan and Fermat sneak into one of the hangers and aboard T1, they goof around with control until Alan starts up the engines by accident which gets him in trouble. And you know how these crappy family films go; kid throws a hissy fit, parents’ gets resentful and blah blah blah and take a shot.

We cut a submarine arriving at Tracy Island and we're introduced this movie's villain The Hood (played by Ben Kingsley). He orders a missile to be fired at Thunderbird 5 (which is a monitoring station in space) in order to lure the rest of the Tracys away from the island. John Tracy calls the island for help after T5 is hit by the missile and the Tracys head into space in Thunderbird 3. Alan, Tin-Tin, and Fermat spot the submarine surfacing and just runaway for some reason. Hood's men have infiltrated the island compound and have taken full control. Alan and the others have sneaked into the compound through the vents leading to the center control room. With the island under his control, the Hood sets his plan to rob the largest banks in the world by using the Thunderbirds. Leaving IR responsible for these robberies, this is mainly for revenge when the Hood reveals to Jeff that he left him for dead while he saved his brother Kyrano. Yeah that means the Hood is Tin-Tin's uncle and yes this is from the series even though their only HALF brothers. And also I fail to believe that these two are brothers considering that the Hood is portrayed by a British white guy and Kyrano is portrayed by an Indian....FAIL and take a shot. Jeff and the other Tracys are left adrift in space as they only have 4 hours of oxygen left. Alan and the others are caught but escape through the entrance silos which leads them to T2 hanger bay. Sealed off in the hanger bay, Alan uses the Thunderizer on the T1 silo door for the three to escape through the service tunnel. They're just about out but the Hood stops them at the exit but Alan hits a switch to the T1's exhaust port the three escapes to the ocean. The three plan to sneak back into the compound in order to get to the island's satellite station and hack into it to regain control to T5. While as for the Hood's plan is stalled as it turns out Fermat took out T2's guidance processor meaning that T2 won't be able to take off. Later at Penelope's country mansion, she takes notice that IR have not responded to any crisis that's been going on. So Penelope heads out to Tracy Island to investigate the problem. Back on the island Alan and the others are heading through the jungle to the satellite station. Tin-Tin sees a rather shitty CGI scorpion on Alan's shoulder, she process to get it off safely by....by.....sigh. OK folks you’re gonna need a whole bottle for this one and be sure you're not nearby any blunt and/or sharp objects because this will piss you off so bad your brain will commit mass murder. She uses her MENTAL POWERS to get the scorpion off safely from Alan, apparently she has the same powers as the Hood. There are no words to describe so much bullshit that just occurred well except that this scene has forced me invent a new meme for such indescribable stupidity. I present to you a BULLSHIT EX MACHINA because for one SHE NEVER DISPLAYS SUCH POWERS ON THE FUCKING SHOW! FUCKING PAY ATTENTION ON WHAT SOURCE MATERIAL YOU'RE ADAPTING! Sigh. OK if there's anyone who’s not in an alcohol coma right now let’s continue on. Alan and the others made it to the satellite station and gain access but the Hood's henchwoman intercepts their signal and cuts them off. The Hood's men show up that the station but Alan and the others get away and head to a junkyard. Alan and Fermat salvage a hoversled and attached a small hull to it. They get away from the Hood's goons but Alan is driving too fast the small hull breaks off leaving Tin-Tin and Fermat behind to get caught. Back in space T5 starts to lose orbit and has 37 minutes until re-entry while they have only have 30 minutes of oxygen. Back on the island Penelope and Parker arrived and are confronted Hood's men. A fight breaks out which I must be honest the fight scene is pretty good but unfortunately this scene is in context of this rather pathetically goofy film. Penelope and Parker are winning the fight but are easily taken out by the Hood's mental powers. Sensing that Alan is nearby Hood orders him to surrender the T2's guidance processor or he'll kill Penelope and Parker. With no choice, Alan complies. Alan, Penelope, and Parker are put in a meat locker with the others while the Hood carries out his plan.

A little bit later Parker manages to unlock the meat locker door and everyone escapes. In the central control room Alan and the others brought back control to T5 saving Jeff and the Tracys just in time. With the Hood on his to London, Alan, Fermat, Tin-Tin, and Penelope head after him in T1. In London the Hood uses The Mole (a tunneling machine) to reach the Bank of London's vault. However, the Mole drills through one of the subterranean supports of a monorail causing it to stop dead. T1 arrives and Alan, Tin-tin, and Fermat take over T2 and rescue the people on the Monorail. The monorail snaps off the track and falls into the Thames, Alan quickly heads out in Thunderbird 4. The Hood and his goons arrived at the vault and begin their plundering. Back in the Thames Alan reaches the monorail and uses T4's magnetic claws to pull it to surface. After the rescue, Alan and Jeff go after the Hood. Back at the vault the Hood is confronted Penelope but she's easily taken out his goon without any resistance. Ugh......OK either she forgot that she's a kick ass secret agent or the writers of this film did, TAKE YOUR PICK! And take a shot. Jeff Confronts the Hood but is quickly taken out leaving only Alan to confront him. The Hood does his best Darth Vader force choke on Alan...lame until the Hood starts to get weak from over using his powers. Alan climbs up the Mole but Hood uses his power to start it up leaving Alan to quickly jump off and grab on to the ledge of a catwalk. As the Hood is about to kill Alan, Tin-Tin arrives at the vault and stops him with her powers which breaks out to a really lazy mental battle. And HELL NO I'm not making any Scanners reference this film has fail to earn that privilege long ago. Anyway this causing the catwalk to get unstable and breaks halfway; leaving the Hood now hanging on a ledge. The Hood plays some goofy mind game on Alan to let him die but Alan saves him away. After that the Hood and his goons are put to jail and Tracys leave in their Thunderbirds apparently free of being blamed of what just happened. Back at Tracy Island Alan, Tin-Tin, and Fermat are now IR members, Jeff gets a call from the president and the Tracy sons head out in the Thunderbirds and the film ends.

Usually I do My Final Verdict route but I thought I do something different on this review. Remember the show’s opening intro, how they do that countdown while showing off the Thunderbirds? Well here's my little countdown on why this film is monumentally pitiful.

5. The characters and their performances: You can easily tell this film was focusing on Jeff, Alan, Tin-Tin, and Fermat while the other Tracys were being cardboard cutouts. Even when their names are call out you still can't identify them and you'll just be left saying who the fuck was that. And worst of all the film maker decided to invent random character that are in truth not needed, irrelevant, pointless to have around. Not to mention they take up screen time of the title characters which would lead to their characterization and performance to be from sub-par to just poor. This film would have done slightly better if these random characters were taken out completely. Now the only two characters that shown any accuracy from the show were Lady Penelope and Parker and they're barely in the damn film.

4. The Thunderbirds themselves: I have to say they did a good job on modernizing the vehicles. However, the way they're textured they look like shiny plastic toys in comparison with the vehicles from the show. That's right the vehicles from the show look more realistic from the film, that's saying a lot.

3. It's just another crappy family flick: Let's be blunt right now the TV show as much as how it's just puppets and models it's no campy campy kids show. I mean the whole family would find this entertaining no doubt but it's not some no substance kid show we got today. The show itself is rather a serious show; it has people endangerment, gun-play, torture, and possibly death. The problem with this film it's taken from a serious and entertaining show and turns it into basically Disney Channel, making pointless changes to get families to watch it. And yet it fails because it's so repetitive with oh so life lessons of work as a family, or work as team, or you need to learn how to blah blah blah blah and bullshit.

2. The Story: It's just so dull and sometimes feels repetitive; even the villain's storyline is terribly bland. This film's story barely stands up to the stories from the TV series; it's practically a 95 minute bad episode of the series.

1. Overall: Judging by the year it was made its obvious this film was a lazy Spy Kids cash-in. If you wanna watch a Thunderbirds film I recommend the TV shows' two of its own films Thunderbirds Are Go and Thunderbird 6. Yeah you're just being watching puppets acting and all but these films makes more sense than this kiddified garbage.

Well that's one piece of shit stain reviewed but sadly there's another piece of shit stain to review. Next time it's back to the shit list that is the DC Comic films as we look into Steel. Just be sure to sober up by then, stay tuned.