The Film Vindicator Review: Flight of the Phoenix (2004)

And welcome back folks as I said back at my David Cronenberg's The Fly that it's one of the perfect examples of remakes done right. Well I believe that the 2004s Flight of the Phoenix is one of the perfect examples of taking a plot/story from an old film and modernize it in present day; and so is 2011s Fright Night.

So we start off in the Gobi Desert of Mongolia where a C-119 Flying Boxcar piloted by Captain Frank Towns (played by Dennis Quaid) and co-pilot A.J. (played by Tyrese Gibson) arrives at an Amacore oil rig to clear out the place. This pisses off Kelly Johnson (played by Miranda Otto) who's in charge of the place but have no choose to leave due to the rig haven't been producing any oil. The rest of the oil rig crew John Davis (played by Jared Padalecki), Alex Rodney (played by Tony Curran), Jeremy (played by Kirk Jones), Ian (played by Gregory House....I MEAN Hugh Laurie). Sammi (played by Jacob Vargas), James Liddle (played by Scott Michael Campbell), Rady (played by Kevork Malikyan), Dr. Gerber (played by Paul Ditchfield), Newman (played by Martin Hindy), and Kyle (played by Bob Brown) all aboard the plane to Beijing along with addition passenger Elliott (played by Giovanni Ribisi). On route to Beijing they come across an approaching sandstorm. Instead of turning around back to the oil rig, Towns decided to fly over the sandstorm. Continuing on through the sandstorm, one of the plane's engines starts get torn apart until the repeller flies off the engine and comes cutting into the hull of the plane. The plane starts to loose altitude bumps into a rock formation busting open the cargo bay door. Causing the cargo consists come flying out of the plane tearing the tail of the plane apart; while the same time one of the passengers Kyle gets pulled out of the plane and falls to his death. The plane continues to loose altitude until it makes a crash landing, Towns checks on the passengers to find all but Dr. Gerber and Newman (who have die from the crash) are all OK. After the storm passes, the survivors have salvaged what's left in the plane leaving up to some food and water that'll last 30 days at minimum and set up a small camp. Towns figures out that they're somewhere in the middle of the Yol Valley about 200 west of their course and that Langhu is a few hundred miles south from where they are. One of the survivors Jeremy suggest that he can walk to Langhu but another survivor Rady warns him that will be most ill-advised to attempt considering the extreme conditions of the Gobi Desert. In the middle of the night John goes out to urinate until he trips on a rock falls downhill away from the camp becoming completely lost....somehow. The follow morning the survivors are about to look for him but another sandstorm approaches and then the film cuts to John dead from the storm. A little bit later everyone starts to have doubts about any rescue coming for them, this leads to Jeremy and Ian leaving with some of the water but Towns stops them. A struggle breaks out which ended up breaking the container losing the water, the arguments raged on until Elliott stops everyone. He after studying the wreckage plane he has constructed a plan to take the undamaged starboard engine and build a new plane out of it. Everyone seems to agree on this plan but Towns is too skeptical about this plan and does nothing to support it.

Later that day the survivors take notice that Liddle has gone on his own, Towns takes the initiative to go look for him and bring him back. After walking for miles following Liddle's trail, Towns come across the cargo consists that fell out of the plane along with the dead body of Kyle. Which on closer inspection Towns notice some bullet holes on the body and some bullet casings lying around. Liddle appears telling Towns that he's not going back; the two argue to a stalemate until Towns finally breaks that they'll build the plane if Liddle comes back with him. And as a sign of good gesture Towns gives Liddle his watch and could give it back when they get home. Upon the two returning to the camp, everyone starts building the new at nightfall. So far they're getting a good start but with all that work has diminish their water supply ever more. The next night they continue the construction until one of the fuel barrels exploded due to a few sparks from a campfire came in contact. With that in order to save fuel for the plane they have no choose but work in the day. They managed to separate the port wing from the old fuselage and successfully attach it to the starboard engine. One plane building music montage later, Kelly spots something over a hill and goes tell the others. Towns, A.J., and Rady investigate and see that they're smugglers or possibly gun runners. Everyone wants to make a bargain with them for some water but Elliott sees this as too dangerous especially with the possible risk of losing the pilot. They still want to bargain with them so A.J., Ian, and Alex go to the smugglers' camp while Towns scouts around the camp keeping them cover with a pistol. The three arrived to the smugglers' camp negotiating with the smugglers, all seemed going well until Liddle was following Towns and spots one of the smugglers with his watch which Kyle burrowed before he died. Liddle startled the smugglers and one pulls out a gun at A.J. but Alex pushed out of the way before the smuggler pulls the trigger resulting Alex getting shot. Towns opens fire on the smugglers and managed to kill all but one who escapes. The four carried Alex back to the camp trying to help him but Alex eventually dies. Back at the smugglers' camp they scavenge what they can find until Kelly comes across a wounded smuggler and her and Rady brings him back to camp. A protest breaks on rather to keep the smuggler around or send him back to his camp but Elliott solves this problem by shooting the smuggler in the head. Now I know that was really harsh but I gotta side with Elliott here the smugglers flat out murder a guy and they suspiciously want to know where the plane is. Do you really think that this smuggler would show some good faith after being saved upon before that was shot and left for dead? Towns and Elliott get into a yelling contest until Towns hits him to the ground. Long story short everything is forgiven and they've finished the plane. So now it leaves to starting up the plane and flying out of the Gobi. Luckily the plane starts up but unfortunately trouble comes knocking when bandits come charging after them, so Towns kicks it into high gear and heads for the cliff for take-off. The plane flies off the cliff and flies away into the distance, the film ends with pictures of the survivors rejoining their live.

My Final Verdict: This is how you do a remake, just take the story from original and just bring it into modern day. It's OK to make a little changes but don't change too much to the point of obscurity. OK folks next time it's gonna be special as next time's gonna be my 50th film review. Finally after three years of reviewing I'm at the 50th review mark and I'm not telling you what film I'm reviewing just to add some attention. So until then folks stay tuned.

The Film Arsenal: Captain America's Shield

Captain America's most dependable weapon of choose since World War II the circular shield; it was the replacement of Cap's triangular shield in the comics. Made out of a special rare metal indigence in the African nation of Wakanda called vibranium; the shield is completely vibration-absorbent/reflective to all kinds of kinetic impact from any blows. In the Avengers film it can even withstand the mighty blow from Thor's Mjolnir. The shield is not just a defensive weapon but it's also a offensive weapon; Cap can throw his shield which can ricochet off objects and strike multiple opponents or stationary objects in one throw. And apparently can return right back to Cap safely plus he can punch and tackle opponents with it. Luckily the films Captain America: The First Avenger and The Avengers did the shield a lot of justice with its abilities in my opinion and that's it gets a place in the Film Arsenal. Plus the shield is flipping awesome.

The Film Vindicator Review: Humanoids from the Deep (1996/1997)

Hey everyone sorry for the long silence my work life has been getting the best of me but I hope things smooth out for the better. Now on with the show.

Remember now horror films were back in the day, how they used to be? Gory, scary, bloody, brilliant; as if the filmmaker held nothing back because he's not a flipping pansy. Well now in the days of shitty remakes all these classic horror films are remade into pussified garbage. And the 1996/1997 remake of Humanoids from the Deep is NO different. We start off with a group of soldiers ready to open fire on a large container concealing a rather pissed off "something". Apparently they're reenacting the "firing at the jungle" scene from Predator; they even took the liberty of burning the container with flamethrowers. But unfortunately the something breaks out and escapes through the sewers. Well what did you expect considering that container itself is made of plywood no serious you can see edges of where the thing broke out. You can just smell the painful stench of cheapness from this film. We cut to our main character Wade Parker (played Robert Carradine NERRRRRRRRRD) arriving at a fishing factory that's being protest for dicking around with the fish or something. They're not being really specific on what but it would seem that this factory has been artificially growing fish with hormones and this is unacceptable to Wade. He tries getting his boss Bill Taylor (played by Mark Rolston) to put a stop to this but I got a feeling that this guy could maybe a complete asshole. Later at Wade's house his daughter Kim (played by Danielle Weeks) is about to go out on date and apparently it's one of the protesters from the factory Matt (played by Justin Walker) which he immediately recognizes. Kim and Matt hang out at a lake and the two began kissing until they hear a growling noise and somehow these two do the incredibly smart thing by driving away from growling noise. OK I'll give this film one point for that and it's probably the only good thing this film offers. The next day we cut to a fishing boat where something gets caught in the fishing net; unfortunately it isn't Jaws but it is something just as worst. The fisherman and a young boy tries to pull in the net while underwater the creature struggles to get free causing the net to snap loose. The snap causes the young boy to fall overboard and the creature kills him at least I think it kills the boy we see it but judging by the blood in the water he's pretty much dead. The boy's mother jumps off the boat trying to save him but gets pulled underwater by the creature. After a pointless scene at a morgue where an autopsy of the boy took place; I mean this scene is EXTREMELY pointless where apparently this town is not used to having more than one shark. The next scene we see Bill having his lackeys to illegally dump chemicals into the ocean. Out in the ocean while dumping the chemicals, the lackeys were followed and caught on camera by Matt and the other protesters. As the protesters leave the lackeys get an unwelcome guest as the creature breaks into the boat through the haul causing gas leaking in the belly of the boat. The first lackey goes down to the belly to look around but gets kill off by the creature the second lackey goes down and almost gets kill but drops he cigarette on to the gas causing the boat go KABOOM.

I'm skipping a few scenes because they're really pointless, we cut to nighttime at a cabin where Kim, Matt, and the other protesters are hanging out on a shore. While at the shore Bill and some more lackeys sneaked into the cabin looking for the video tape with no prevail and leave; Kim and others all strip naked and go out skinny dipping until SURPRISE there's more than one creature. They all get pulled underwater except for Matt who swims in place doing NOTHING, ugh scream for help dude…go get a gun….GO SAVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. OK do nothing to help your friends.....asshole. Later Wade gets a call from the police that Kim has gone missing and immediately heads to the station. Matt tells the police everything what happened but giving the deducing skills of the cops so far is most embarrassing they don't believe him and either does Wade. We cut Wade about to leave from a bar until sees a couple being attack by one of the creatures. Wade managed to save...ish the two couples I say ish because the boyfriend's leg is chewed off and eventually dies at the hospital again ish. Back at Matt's cabin Bill and the others are about to blow up the cabin when Wade arrives and saves Matt before the dynamite goes off. Wade and Matt get patched up at the hospital and they run into a Dr Drake (played by Emma Samms) who you may have noticed from before impersonating as a reporter. However she's really a scientist who use to work for a genetics lab GRL whom wanted to test out a new genetic process she developed but she refused therefore confiscated her research. She further explains that GRL have took five Death Row inmates and injected them with a genetic code gathered from different species of fish basically creating amphibious super soldiers. But unfortunately the inmates rapidly mutated into what they are now and are surviving on the chemicals Bill has been dumping in the ocean. So the whole "Humanoids from the Deep" is a big fat lie since the "Humanoids" were basically Death Row inmates who got their genetics all fucked up. At least in the original when the origins of the humanoids is explained the title itself truly serves its purpose and makes far more sense back then. They should have renamed this film "Humanoids from an Evil Genetics Lab". Drake needs physical evidence that creatures exist to bring forth to government before they can do anything. At Bill's place his wife who's looking for her dog outside is taken by one of the creatures before Bill comes out looking for his wife only to find the dog's dismembered head. Later in town one of the cops noticed a manhole cover flipping open and calls for back up. Wade, Matt, and Drake are listening in on a police scanner (which they spontaneously have somehow) to the call and Wade and Matt go off to gather weapons. The two cops go into the sewer and are immediately attacked one of the creatures, one cop gets injured while the other cop opens fire with no effect. The cop gets rescued by Wade by shooting a flaming spear to the creature from a shotgun....let me repeat that Wade fired a flaming spear with a shotgun. I'm not exaggerating you can clearly see Wade holding a shotgun so I find it highly implausible for a shotgun to fire spears, the gun itself would've just blown off in his hands or not even fire. Anyway Matt douses the creature with gasoline setting it ablaze for the creature to burn to death. Later after a live news report (which brings the government to get off their ass), Wade, Matt, and Drake regroup at the bar where miraculously the boy's mother from earlier appears at the bar but something’s a bit off. The mother starts spasming out and is place on a table, she continues to spasm until her stomach starts to grow rapidly to the point that a creature half-breed infant rips through her stomach (which kills the mother) and crawls out of the bar.

Apparently it's established that these creatures are taken the women to mate and impregnate them. It's obvious that this is film building up tension for the protagonists to find the woman before they’re impregnated but honestly it’s pointless and well telegraphed. Especially for those who have seen the original you know how these creatures behave; when they see a woman nearby they immediately rape and impregnate her. They not being picky on the time and place to impregnate human women, what this film is trying to do is building a rather half ass payoff that (SPOILERS) one of these woman are pregnant. Despite the film not showing any of the women being raped/impregnated but were lead to believe that may have just sadly not in a convincing way either. I mean looking back on the boy's mother does she look like she's been raped at all? She has no bruises, no scratches, or nothing not even her clothes were ripped off she just gives a violent birth fully clothed. As if one of the creatures must have pulled her panties to the side impregnates her and called it a day that's it. Yes the original established the same thing but the payoff there was done WAY better and a bit scarier than remake. Whereas here they really try to get around the whole rape thing but still try to pull off the creature half-breed pregnancy thing. Now I'm not saying to just show some rape but just some physical proof that the rape from these creatures have happened. Show the raped/impregnated women all bruised and bloody or have them nude or have their clothes all torn up. And despite that some of the women here are nude and none of them (except for one) weren't even raped. Seriously film convince me that these women were raped and impregnated because right now I'm not and I have seen better films that women are raped and impregnated by dangerous creatures than this. But hey that's pussified remakes for you, OK I think I bitched enough moving on. The next day Wade, Matt, and Drake head out to the ocean shoreline locate the creatures' nest to rescue the women; they spot a military convoy arriving at a beach. Upon arriving at the beach Matt spots a one of the taken women on shore who has been dead after the birth. And this scene really pissed me off to no end, the film tries to build suspense that the woman could be Kim (but it's not) by having Matt not saying a damn thing when Wade keeps asking is it her. The woman turns out to be one of Matt's protester friends, wasn't it really that hard for him to identify one of his friends and easily say no is not her? Is Matt really that dumb or is it this film being lazy on suspense? Wade and Drake come up with plan to lure one of these creatures in order to tag one with and track it back to the nest and to lure them out they need help from Bill with the chemicals the creatures survive on. The plan seems to work but goes awry when one of the creatures grabs Drake and pulls her underwater; Matt fires the tracker gun and manages to get tag it. They try to follow it but it turns out he tagged a dolphin....FAIL. Later Wade, Matt, and Bill regroup at the bar and they noticed a news report on a TV about a festival at a pier, Bill recalls that he has been dumping chemical near that area. This gives them the idea that the creatures will show up there and the three head off immediately. And here comes the ultimate facepalm of your life, we cut to the pier where the festival and you begin to have a feeling that this scene looks so familiar. Haven't figure it out yet here let me help almost shot for shot this scene is stock footage from the original film....yeah. Even when the creatures start attacking some of the shoots are stock footage RIGHT OUT FROM THE ORIGINAL. So yes they did took footages from the original remastered them and spliced into this film. Seriously if you setup two TVs have the original playing on one TV and have the remake playing on the other you can see the exact same shots. Even without the scenes with the creatures raping the women at the festival they're still the same flipping scenes. Do you know what I call this I mean what I REALLY call this....LAZIEST FILM-MAKING EVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! Was the budget really that shitty to make new scenes; was the director really that lazy to the point of splicing in stock footage from the original?

Anyway Wade, Matt, Bill arrived at the festival and found one of the creatures in a fun house, they manage to tag it and follow it back to the nest. They arrive at a shore where the nest is in an underwater cavern however, the military is planning to blow it up. Plot Convenience Faerie comes calling and Wade and Matt see two soldiers leaving two scuba gears just lying around. We cut to Wade and Matt diving to the cavern, found Drake, and Kim and the other women in some cocoon. They break them out as the creatures show up, Wade and Matt managed to fight them and escape out of the cavern. With seconds left to spare they all swim out of the cavern before the bombs go off killing the creatures for good. The next day at the hospital the women are check back negative for pregnancy and everything is back to normal....OR NOT! The film ends with a shocking surprise when the doctor receives word from one of the nurses that one of the pregnancy test came back false positive and it none other than Drake who's pregnant with a creature half breed baby. Her stomach starts growing begins to burst and the film cuts to black. Yeah that would've been a shocker ending if I didn't see it coming from a mile away and of course if we saw Drake getting impregnated. And how exactly do you screw up a pregnancy test so bad especially with the possibility one of these women could be pregnant with a raping killing mutant fetus? LAME!

My Final Verdict: This is the most laziest neutered remake I've ever seen in my life. The payoffs are underwhelming, and the plot-points are pathetically predictable and telegraphed. Some of those plot-points have ZERO resolution in the end and worst of all this film is almost tame. Despite a few blood, belly bursts, nudity, and head dismemberments this film is horribly tame. If you remove the nudity from this film it is so tame that if you put it on the Lifetime Channel or ABC Family Channel NOTHING WILL GET EDIT OUT. You put this film on these channels and absolutely no one won't get offended, pissed off, or freak the fuck out about it. This is why most people HATE horror remakes, the point of remakes is to take a bad film and remake it into a good film. NOT TAKE A GOOD FILM AND REMAKE IT INTO A SOLID GOLD PUSSIFIED BLUNDER-FUCK MESS OF A FILM!

OK I had enough of this film next time I'm review another remake A GOOD ONE this time around. Stay tuned as we look into the 2004 remake Flight of the Phoenix.

The Film Vindicator Review: Fright Night (2011)

In the world of film-making there are a lot of things you need to learn about if you wish to pursue this career one of which is DON'T BOTHER MAKING SHITTY REMAKES. Now I've already made my peace with the rare remakes that are genuinely good while other remakes can just go rot in the filmmakers' asshole. So which category does the 2011 remake of Fright Night falls under? Well believe me or not the answer may surprise you.

So we start off with at a suburban home in Las Vegas where a family (except for a teenage boy) had been slaughtered by an unknown being. The teenage boy runs to his father's room and hides under the bed, the boy grabs a gun under the mattress but gets kill off before getting the chance to use it. We cut to daytime where we're introduced to Charley Brewster (played by Anton Yelchin) and his girlfriend Amy Peterson (played by Imogen Poots) heading off to school. At the school Charley is approached by Ed "Evil" Lee (played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse) telling him that there's something going on with some of the students not showing at the school including their friend Adam but Charley refuses to listen. Ed continues to convince Charley to join him in a investigation he's been working on, Charley finally agrees. You'll notice the tension between Charley and Ed because they used to be geek friends until Charley started to get some popularity to the point that he doesn't talk to Ed anymore. Later back home, Charley and Amy are introduced to Jerry Dandrige (played by Colin Farrell) who is the new neighbor next door to Charley's place. A little bit later Charley meets up with Ed at Adam's house, the two sneak in and look around the house until Ed tells Charley that Jerry is a vampire. Of course Charley doesn't believe him; they began to argue until Charley pushes him down and leaves. Ed is heading home until he's tackled down by a bully but managed to get away but unfortunately runs into Jerry. Ed runs into an abandon house with Jerry going after him. Ed gets out from the bathroom and ends in the backyard where Jerry waiting for him, Ed falls into a pool and slowly but surely Jerry kills Ed. The following day Charley notices that Ed is not at the school so right after school he heads to Ed's house, the parents don't seems to notice that Ed is gone. I guess they really didn't love their son all that much too even notice that he hasn't been home since last night. Anyway Charley goes into Ed's room and goes looking on his computer, he looks at some video clips of Ed watching Jerry. Only to see or (the case that Jerry is a vampire) not see Jerry on the videos since vampires don't appear on any video recording device. OK so Ed had actually video evidence of Jerry being a vampire and not even bother to show them to Charley. Don't you think that instead of going to Charley like raving lunatic you could of just I don't know SHOW HIM THE VIDEO. Just maybe if you did he might actually believe you and be on your side....just saying. Later that night Charley is approached by Jerry asking for some beer for a date. Charley goes to his house to get some but carefully doesn't invite Jerry in his home because vampires can't enter one's home without being invited. You know this film does a good job of sticking with the rules of vampires unlike this one vampire film that personally ass-rapes the rules. That's right I'm talking to you Twilight what's your fucking excuse? Anyway Charley hangs Jerry some beer and then he leaves. Back in his bedroom Charley spies on Jerry who's right outside with a new victim....I mean woman. This doesn't please Amy as she tries to seduce Charley to have sex but is still spying on Jerry to the point Amy decides to leave. Late that night Charley is awaken by the woman's scream from Jerry's house after which Charley proceeds to call the cops. The cops don't seem to find anything out of the normal and then leave while Charley watches from his bedroom window.

A little bit later Charley spots Jerry leaving his house giving him the chance to sneak into Jerry's house to look for the woman. He searches all over the house finds no sign the woman but found some type of vampire insignia and takes a picture. Charley hears a truck engine which turns out to be Jerry returning home. Charley quickly goes into a closet in Jerry's bedroom where he finds a hidden door to a small hallway with rooms which Charley finds the woman in one of them. Before Charley gets her out Jerry comes in forcing Charley to hide in one of the empty rooms as he watches Jerry drink blood from the woman before leaving the hallway. Charley finally frees the still alive woman makes break for it to the front, they make it outside but apparently the woman was becoming a vampire therefore she immediately explodes in the sunlight. Oooooh nasty. So Charley decides to head to the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino to find Peter Vincent for help and upon arriving at a rehearsal he meets Peter Vincent (played by the Tenth Doctor himself David Tennant) This is the reason why I watched this film because the Tenth flipping Doctor is in it, this film just got hilarious and awesome. We cut to Peter's penthouse where Charley tries to get info from Peter since that he's this oh so vampire hunter. But Peter immediately senses bullshit tells Charley to leave but not before Charley leaves pictures of the vampire insignia. Back at Charley's place he place crosses all over his bedroom and making some stakes until Amy arrives demanding some explanations from Charley but instead he tries to convince her to stay away from him. Moments later Jerry arrives at the front door, Charley stops his mom from answering. Jerry tries to convince Charley's mom to let him in because of Charley has been intruding into his home and stalking him. But luckily Charley's mom listens to Charley instead and tells Jerry to leave. Of course this doesn't stop Jerry at all as heads to Charley's backyard with a shovel and an electric hand saw. Jerry digs up a gas line cuts it open and lights the opening with a cigarette lighter causing the gas in the house to explode forcing Charley and the others to get out. The three escapes in a SUV but Jerry soon follow and catch up to them in his truck until he's ahead of them. Charley's mom runs him over and keep on driving but Jerry has cling to the bottom of the SUV and starts punches through the floor. They come to a stop and get hit from behind by a car which turns out that motorist is none other than Chris Sarandon the original Jerry Dandrige from the original film. Now to be fair I did not see this coming, this film has actually impressed me. Anyway Jerry Hulks out and lifts the SUV off of him and kills off....ugh....ugh....you know what let’s call him J.D. to prevent some confusion so yeah Jerry kills off J.D. and goes after the three. Charley makes a stand with a cross in hand but that doesn't seem to bother Jerry and proceeds to kill Charley. But his mom stabs Jerry from behind with a sign stake...wow...damn way a go Charley's mom. And with that the three gets to J.D.'s car and drive off. At a hospital where Charley's mom is recovering from....stabbing a vampire from behind I guess. Anyway Charley gets a call from Peter asking him to come over his penthouse...OK how does Peter have Charley's cell number?

Anyway Charley and Amy show up and Peter explains to them the vampire insignia belongs to some type of tribunal species of vampires that keeps their victims alive for days while feeding on them. A little bit later Peter gets a delivery and invites the delivery guy in and...wait it's the middle of the night. Ah crap it's a trap. The delivery guy turns out to be Ed back from the dead as a vampire. Peter despite being armed with a stake runs away to his panic room. Hey cut the guy some slack it's not every day he fights real vampires OK. So Charley and Amy are left fighting off vampire Ed while Jerry enters the penthouse. Charley merely wounds him but managed to staked vampire Ed with the help from Amy. The two run off into a crowded dance night club to get away but Jerry soon follows. Charley and Amy get separated by the crowd and Amy is caught by Jerry. Charley tries to follow Jerry but is slow down by the crowd then stopped by a bouncer while Jerry feeds on Amy. Charley returns to the penthouse asking Peter for help but once again he refuses, so instead Peter hands Charley a special stake which upon killing a vampire with the victims return to normal. Around the crack of dawn Charley goes to a general hardware store and gears up to fight Jerry. Charley returns to Jerry's house finding Amy in one of the hallway rooms but Amy falls through a trap door. As Charley is about to go into the abyss he is surprisingly accompanied by Peter with his vampire killing tools of his own. Oh come on you really thought that the Doctor was gonna puss out for the rest of the film? It's obviously from the trailers that he kicks some vampire ass. The two go through the trap door into an underground lair. They enter a room where Peter is sneak attacked by Jerry and locks in Charley with the now vampire Amy. Peter retreats back into the first room where he's now cornered by a horde of vampires. Charley stabs vampire Amy but not in the heart and breaks out of the room. Charley runs back into the first room only to find the vampire horde feeding on Peter. NOOOOOO NOT THE DOCTOR I......wait he's the Doctor he can just regenerate and he'll be as good as new. Anyway Charley grabs Peter's shotgun and starts shooting the ceiling letting in sunlight that burns the vampires off of Peter. Charley runs to Peter but get the shotgun taken from him by Jerry and he and Peter are outnumbered. Charley ready his plan as it turns out the outfit he's wearing is a flame-retardant suit, Peter provides the light and Charley does some TOASTY action. Charley grabs hold of Jerry as Peter grabs the shotgun shoots more holes in the ceiling. Jerry continues to shake off flaming Charley with no prevail ultimately getting stabbed in the heart and dies. As that has happened victims who were turned by Jerry are returned to normal including Amy. The film ends everything returning to normal and Charley and Amy finally openly having sex...at Peter's penthouse of all places. Hey at least they're not having sex in the TARDIS which would lead Amy being pregnant and giving birth to a Time Lord and having a Time Lord as a son-in-law. Perhaps I'm geeking out about Doctor Who a bit too much.

My Final Verdict: I honestly thought I was gonna hate this remake I really did. But upon watching it three times now...I loved it. Unlike most remakes the characters aren't made of stupid from beginning to end, the story doesn't insult your intelligence, and the film itself is modernized to the point that actually makes sense. And also David Tennant is fucking awesome; even if this film sucked I would still love it because David Fucking Tennant is in it. Now the next remake I'm reviewing I won’t be so merciful, next time it's the 1996 remake of Humanoids from the Deep. Stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Super Capers

OK before we get started I wanna tell a little story, back in 2009 me and a few friends took an awesome trip to Wizard World Chicago (or Chicago Comic Con). Of course the three of us had the most awesome four days ever but aside from that I met and chat with Abe Sapien himself Doug Jones. He then takes out this comic book autographs it and gives it to me; the comic book is called Super Capers which was apparently a comic book prequel issue. Basically it was a promotional comic book of the film which Doug Jones stars in so yeah I still got this comic up to this day even though I've never read it. But around 2011 I got the nerve to watch the film, so let’s see what's so super about this film.

We start off at a dark alley where a woman in red is followed by a creepy Clint Howard. Suddenly a guy in a goofy costume Ed Gruberman (played by Justin Whalin) appears to save her but it turns out she's a super hero named Red (played by Christine Lakin). Red disarms the creepy Clint Howard and Ed with a 2x4 knocks the creepy Clint Howard half across town. After which Ed gets arrested apparently for superhero abuse; long story short at a courtroom the judge (played by Michael Rooker) gives Ed a chance to develop is superhero status at a halfway house for superheroes called Super Capers. Ed arrives at the halfway house via Adam West Batman batmobile taxi service...I don't know if I should find this funny or sad. Ed is introduce to other Super Caper members such as Felicia Freeze (played by Danielle Harris), Herman Brainard (played by Samuel Lloyd), Herbert (or Q which he calls himself)(played by Oliver Muirhead). Will Powers (played by Ryan McPartlin), Puffer Boy (played by Ray Griggs), and Sarge (played by Tommy "Tiny" Lister). A little bit later Sarge calls the team out on a mission to stop a villain Captain Sludge (played by Jon Polito) from hi-jacking armored bank trucks. The team head out in an RV that's fashioned out after the DeLorean DMC-12 time machine built by Herbert Q, I'm not kidding the thing even has the freaking Time Flux Capacitor. The running gag here is that Herbert Q is a huge movie buff so whatever gadgets he makes are pretty much rip offs from popular films. Anyway they arrived at a bridge where the armored trucks are robbed by an awesome looking Minotaur; no joke there's a Minotaur in this film. The team conflicts Captain Sludge and Minotaur but you can imagine that these heroes are made of useless. So it's now Ed's turn to fight by...praying and it works, a street lamp post falls on the minotaur knocking it unconscious forcing Captain Sludge to retreat. Later a trip to the laundry mat, Ed and Herman spot the judge from earlier putting suspicious bags in the trunk of his limo and leaves Ed and Herman follows him. They follow the judge to the middle of nowhere dumps out the bags and leave Ed goes to look inside the bag to find gold bullion and immediately goes all Gollum. No really the guy goes all Gollum for a bag full of gold and he doesn't even tell Herman about it, nice going dude you're on your way of being a superhero.

Back at the house The Super Capers are approached by agents....hi Doug Jones....who is there to questioned Ed in the involvement of the missing bag of gold....OOPS. So Ed acting like a complete idiot tries to deny about the gold but made the situation worst resulting Ed and the other getting arrested. Ed is taking to the judge's home to find Red working for the judge and to find out that the judge is Ed's childhood hero Dark Winged Vesper. The judge this whole time set Ed up with him joining the Super Capers, set him up with the missing gold in order to have Ed join the judge and to one day become the next Dark Winged Vesper. We cut to the other Super Capers about to be taken out by Captain Sludge and a few henchmen but they fought back and Puffer Boy escapes to rescue Ed. The next scene that follows I kid you not the dialogues exchange between Ed and the judge are straight out of Return of the Jedi...seriously. And the funniest thing about it the two characters noticed this and they try to stop reciting almost every line, yeah it maybe a silly scene but my god it's funny. Anyway it's revealed that the judge is Ed's dad....BUM BUM BAAAA....before Puffer Boy pops in and helps Ed to escape. Ed reaches to the Super Capers' RV and drives off while Captain Sludge gives chase; the chase ends with Ed accidentally drives off a cliff. And here it gets dumb; Ed starts praying for God to save him and then starts talking that if he dies at least he'll get to hang out with God. But apparently God doesn't want that and hey who can blame the lord, so through an act of God the RV travels one week back in time saving Ed. So Ed uses this opportunity to stop the judge, Ed arrives at the armored truck robbery from earlier he bumps into the bridge which cause the street lamp post to fall on the Minotaur. Ed gets out of the RV before it falls to the ground (but it actually disappeared in mid-fall) he stops the judge and orders Will to stop Captain Sludge. Oh what now there are two Eds right now but don't worry the film takes care of that problem. The "future" Ed and "present" Ed touch and the "present" Ed poofs out of existence, see problem solved. So the film ends with Ed and rest of the Super Capers save the day and drives off in the "present" RV.

My Final Verdict: Sure this film is no Mystery Men but it still got some good funny moments here and there. So I guess it's worth watching if you’re into something this goofy and dumb but if you don't think so then no worries it's probably not worth watching. Next time we're looking into the 2011 remake of a 1985 film Fright Night stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: D.E.B.S.

I came across this film during my post high school years and was having low standards at the time I kinda enjoy this film at the time. But looking back to it now this film is meh. OK the reason why I kinda enjoy because there were lesbians in this film. Hey I was young, stupid, lonely, and horny back then; but now I think that's just a distraction from the rather goofy plot which goes like this. A secret test hidden in the SATs which measures an applicant's ability to fight, cheat, lie and kill. Those who score well on this hidden test are selected to become members of the secret paramilitary academy called D.E.B.S. Right away I got problems with that plot. Apparently this hidden test only measures on the applicant's ability to fight, cheat, lie, and kill; that sounds like an Al-Qaeda entry application. And also since this test is not measure on how smart the applicant is what if some dumbass passes this test out of sheer bullshiting the world would be fraking screwed. Anyway the film is based off a short film of the same name and plot and I've stalled enough let’s get started.

We opened with the introduction of the four women who pass the test Max the Leader (and a bitch)(played by Meagan Good), Amy the Perfect Score (played by Sara Foster), Janet the Rookie (played by Jill Ritchie), and Dominique the Slut (played by Devon Aoki). Yeah I know I'm being mean and I'm sorry but that's how this film pretty much display these characters clearly cliché and stereotypical. We cut to the girls rendezvousing with Mr. Phipps (Michael Clarke Duncan) at D.E.B.S. Academy; they're debriefed on a new of surveying a high profile criminal Lucy Diamond (played by Jordana Brewster). Cut to a restaurant the Les Deux Amours where the D.E.B. girls keep watch on Lucy which they think she's making dealings with a Russian assassin Ninotchka Kaprova (played by Jessica Cauffiel) but what actually is going on is a blind date. And skipping through the boring parts the girls get spotted by Lucy and a gunfight breaks out in the restaurant. And yes these girls are going into a gunfight looking like anime school girls, and yes these outfits can't protect jack shit in a gunfight. And yes these girls are flipping stupid of going into a gunfight wearing school girl clothes instead of body armor. And don't make the excuse that it's sexy; these girls charged into a gunfight with the most obvious chance of getting shot in their most unprotected areas. That's not sexy that's being impractical and stupid, hell at least Black Widow wears a body suit before going into a battle. You really think Black Widow is gonna walkaway untouched looking like the biggest dumbass bullseye in the room? Anyway Lucy gets out of the restaurant and the girls split up and pursued her. Amy and Janet spots her entering a warehouse and the two split up and follow her. Inside the warehouse Amy and Lucy bump into each other and two break into a standoff. Lucy starts to take interests to Amy after she explains that writing a thesis about her, the rest of the girls arrived but Lucy is already gone. And in utter shock the girls believe that Amy fought Lucy and live to tell about and yes it does become a big deal.

Later that night still interested in Amy, Lucy infiltrates the D.E.B.S. residence and sneaks into Amy's room. Lucy asked Amy to go out with her but she refuses but being held at crossbow point Amy has no choice. As the two leave they're noticed by Janet leaving no choice for Lucy to take her with them. On the road they stop at an underground nightclub called The Junk Pit; Lucy continues to charm Amy. Amy finally opens up and the two make a connection, so much so that they almost kiss but Janet stops them and her and Amy want to go. Lucy drops them off back at the residence and wants to see Amy again but she refuses and returns the residence. The next day at the academy everyone are praising for Amy being the only person who confronted Lucy and survived Amy gets promoted to squad captain and Max gets piss off blah blah blah next scene. The girls get a report that Lucy is robbing a bank and they head out to apprehend her. Upon arriving at the bank it turns out it's trap to get the girls out of the way so that Lucy can some alone time with Amy. Amy at first was resistant but finally starts feeling for Lucy and the two kiss and leave the bank together while the rest of the girls believe that Lucy kidnapped Amy. The film pads out into a montage of Lucy and Amy bonding while the D.E.B.S. is on the manhunt for Lucy. We cut to Lucy's hideout where the two continue to bond; back at the D.E.B.S. residence Max receives an anonymous call on where Amy is and the girls gear up and head out. Arriving at the hideout the girls are confronted by Lucy's henchmen but quickly subdue them. They enter Lucy's bedroom to find her and Amy making out which brings them in utter shock at the sight. The head honchos of D.E.B.S. are not too pleased with this but don't want to start a scandal so they cover it up as Amy was under mind-control by Lucy or something. Later in Amy's room Lucy sneaks in and tries to talk to her but Amy refuses to listen and sets off an alarm. Lucy gets out the room and escapes before the girls show up. Feeling down over Amy's rejection, Lucy decides to turn over a new leaf to win her back. So the film pads out into another montage of Lucy returning stolen items. We cut to a D.E.B.S. year-end dance called Endgame where Amy receives an award while Lucy attempts to sneak in. Inside Lucy spots Amy giving her speech and Amy spots Lucy and begins share her feelings out in the open and admits that she loves Lucy and leaves. The two reunite but are confronted by Max, Dominique, and Janet; Amy convinces Max for the two go off together and Max lets them go. The film ends with Amy and Lucy drive off into the night happily in love.

My Final Verdict: This film tries to out What The Fuck the Charles' Angels films and succeeded because anyone who watch this will go What The Fuck. Now there are some good moments but we have to go through some goofy pointless shit to get there. You wanna watch a film with badass female character without feeling like you just got dumber come talk to me I'll give you a list. Hell I'll give you an example Aliens with the character Ellen Ripley. Oh what you were expected me to say Bella Swan from Twilight well let tell you this. BELLA SWAN COULDN'T BENCH PRESS ELLEN RIPLEY'S BALLS! OK I think I made my peace with that so stay tuned next time as we look into Super Capers.

The Film Vindicator Review: The Vampire Effect

Hey everyone happy new year and welcome back so on to The Vampire Effect or The Twins Effect....alternate titles are weird.

We start off at a church where a group of people who are apparently buying it to live in. Not sure if you can actually live in a church but whatever. Turns out these people are vampires wait more than that royal vampires and these guys do a better job of hiding among humans than the vampires from Twilight. We cut to a train station where we're introduced to Reeve (played by Ekin Cheng) and Lila (played by Josie Ho). They work for the Anti-Vampire Federation bent eliminating vampires with the help of a vampire blood extract that temporary grants the strength and speed of vampires. The downside without an antidote to take after an hour and a half you're permanently a vampire. Reeve enters a train and immediately spots; gives chase to the next car where he gets ambushed. Reeve holds them off until Lila arrives to back him up; one vampire watches the fight from afar and then flies in attacking Reeve. This vampire appears to be the leader as he calls off the other vampires and fights Reeve and Lila alone. I don't if I should call him the stupidest vampire ever or give this guy some balls. The fight continues until the leader vampire knocks them on their ass and for some reason just runaway. And here's where I get confused here; in the next scene Lila SOMEHOW dies and the scene before that the leader vampire gets his arm cut off. The film doesn't show when or how but it implies that his arm is cut off. Honestly I didn't skipped anything the film basically cut out a few scenes of events that led to this point; this is gonna be hard to review if the film has scenes that are cut out. Anyway we cut to a fancy restaurant where the two royal vampires from the start of the film Prince Kazaf (played by Edison Chen) and his servant Prada (played by Anthony Wong) enjoying a nice bottle of blood. You heard me right a bottle of blood. Minutes later we're introduced to Reeve's sister Helen (played by Charlene Choi) who confronts her cheating boyfriend as Kazaf watches from a nearby table. Helen chases off her cheating boyfriend and sits next Kazaf reminiscing her boyfriend problem. Kazaf takes interests in Helen and asked for her phone number and she gives him her number. Prada disapproves of Kazaf falling in love with a human but Kazaf is determined for the two to be together. And this where Twilight fails with its romance between Bella and Edward; in a span of a few minutes Helen and Kazaf hit it off like normal people. They act like they got genuine chemistry; they got decent character interaction while as in Twilight Bella and Edward act like they're constantly constipated every time on screen. Anyway we cut to Reeve at an airport to pick up his new partner Gypsy (played by Gillian Chung), upon returning home Reeve introduces Gypsy to Helen still upset over her breakup which long story short breaks out into a martial arts fight. Back at the church Kazaf gets a call from Helen and the two share a conversation. Helen invites him on a date at noon and Kazaf agrees but one problem since this film is not following the "sparkle under sunlight" rule Kazaf has to improvise on seeing Helen without burning into flames. Prada concocts a special suncream which allows vampires move around in sunlight. Later Reeve and Gypsy track down a vampire at a night club but the vampire escapes before they can kill him. After that they're informed by the federation that a vampire king and the four princes are murdered by the vampire duke Dekotes (played by Mickey Hardt); the leader vamp from the start of the film. He's been extracting their blood essence and to use them to open a sacred book called The Day for Night which conveniently Kazaf has possession of since he's the last of the princes. Inside the book is the blood of the ultimate vampire; any vampire who consumes it can go out in daylight unharmed.

The next day Helen meets up with Kazaf and the two head off to a wedding....because Helen likes crashing weddings. Before I skip this scene I like to point that Jackie Chan is in this film....he's not the main character but he's in it. As their connection blooms further, Prada persuades Kazaf to tell Helen that he's a vampire and he does. I gotta tell you Helen does a better response to this revelation than Bella, for one Helen doesn't react with a featureless blank slate expression. Anyway Kazaf collapsed on the ground due to not been drinking blood for days. Helen takes Kazaf to a hospital sneaking into a blood bank to gather blood; they're almost out scott free until they are followed by a vampire. They managed to get away and hide off in an ambulance where SURPRISE Jackie Chan is an ambulance driver; well they manage to have him around so damn it you might as well have him fight vampires in the next scene. They drive off from the hospital and are immediately attacked by vampires; Jackie tries to fend them off as he's driving the ambulance. He runs over one of the vampires before coming to a stop in the middle of the road; one vampire attacks Jackie while another one attacks Helen in the ambulance. And you know something neither of them has not taken that vampire blood extract, so how exactly are they able to fight off vampires? And also Jackie seems too taken pretty well of the revelation that he's fighting vampires instead of freaking out. But you know what seeing Jackie Chan acting like a goof while fighting vampires I'll for forgive this scene. At least it's far more entertaining than what Twilight tries to shove into my brain. Anyway the two managed to fight off the vampires and runs away...bye Jackie Chan. Upon returning home, Helen tells Gypsy that she's dating a vampire and wants her to down Reeve for her. Of course Reeve doesn't agree to this but Gypsy talks him out of killing Kazaf. We cut to Reeve and Gypsy at the church which is already been taken over by Dekotes. Reeve goes in alone to fight him but is quickly taken down and is taken captive. Later Gypsy goes to Helen and Kazaf to help rescue Reeve; back at the church Kazaf tries to distract Dekotes while Helen and Gypsy go rescue Reeve. They found him in the basement of the church but unfortunately have become a full vampire with the antidote gone. Leaving with no choice, Gypsy stabs him allowing his last amount of humanity to finish the job for her. Meanwhile Dekotes has extracted the last blood essence from Kazaf opens the Day for Night. Helen and Gypsy arrive and starts taking out Dekotes' minions and once again neither of them hasn't taken the vampire blood extract. What is the point of having this thing if they can take on vampire minions with zero difficulties whatsoever? Anyway before Dekotes consumes the ultimate vampire blood Gypsy intervenes and cuts the extract in two pieces. Dekotes ends up with a smaller piece while Gypsy has the bigger piece and without thinking she consumes it granting her vampire strength and speed. OK the film never explains is this blood has ANY EFFECT on humans but Gypsy seems to go right ahead without any fear of nothing happening or the extract would turn her evil. Anyway this gives her the upper hand and is able to defeat Dekotes once and for all. The film ends with Helen, Gypsy, and Kazaf continuing the mission of eliminating vampires.


My Final Verdict: I wish this film has a subtitle below the film's title that says "Twilight can kiss my ass"....seriously. Sure the film is silly in its own right but at least it's not a raping insult like Twilight, the characters here have far better personalities than the whole of Twilight. Even Helen is more of a strong, independent, and a progressive character while as for Bella is no more than a codependent mentally damaged sociopath. Oh don't worry there's plenty more vampire films out there that are FAR SUPERIOR than Twilight to review so look forward to those in the days ahead. But until then stay tuned as we look into a rather meh film, next time it's D.E.B.S.