Hits & Misses Halloween: Underwater

Hit: I'm really digging the music in the opening credits and I swear that wasn't a pun considering where the movie takes place.

Real Talk: The newspaper clippings essentially acts as a setup before shit hits the fan at the drilling station.

Hit: Not gonna lie, Kristen Stewart is a good actress when giving a decent script/role. Rather than coming off as just droning on with her performance like in Twilight.

Hit: Hell at least her character's narration sounds more interesting than Bella's pretentious blabbering.

Hit: Also Kristen's kinda cute with glasses.

Miss: Paul talking Norah after being dug up from the rubble: "You sweet flat chested elven creature." Well that's just rude, I mean yeah she is flat chested but still rude.

Real Talk: Although he did brought up an interesting concept of Kristen Stewart as an elf. It could work, have the right writer, producer and director it could work. And Kristen can totally pull off the appearance of an elf given her androgynous features.

Hit: Norah's no Ellen Ripley but she's no cardboard cut-out caricature either. Especially when she doesn't just conveniently knows and/or has every skill imaginable. I'm looking at you Rey (NOT)Skywalker.

Real Talk: No idea why Paul is carrying around a bunny plushie the whole time and to tell you the truth I don't wanna know. Somethings are better off as a mystery and never to be brought up again.

Miss: *Close up on Paul's ass while wearing ripped underwear.* I did not need to see that.

Hit: *Norah Ass Shot* Now that I did need to see.

Hit: Them diving suits look more like futuristic battle armor, they do look cool though. Also they make Norah look kinda bad ass.

Real Talk: An elven Kristen Stewart in a futuristic battle armor, that could totally work.

Hit: Seeing Liam wearing a bandana in these diving suits gives me Leviathan flashbacks.

Miss: *When the exterior hatch opens, Rodrigo's helmet starts to crack then eventually him and his suit implodes.* OK, why did that happened? Did Rodrigo not check the helmet for cracks? Or he did and just thought it be no big deal? Did he had a death wish?  That was a random thing to happen is what I'm saying.

Miss: Norah talking about Rodrigo: "He knew that helmet was faulty." So he did had a death wish? Why would he still use that helmet regardless? And it's not like the movie hint at it too well about the helmet being faulty when he checked it.

Hit: Gotta give the movie credit for making the characters likable and have camaraderie even in the middle of a crisis. 

Hit: Paul's and Liam's POV adds some tension when they're searching a destroyed escape pod.

Hit: Emily messing around with the weird sea creature gives me flashbacks of Ash examining the Facehugger.

LOL: Paul: "This better not be some Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea shit, man."

Real Talk: To anyone who has played the video game Soma may get a thrill out of this movie.

Hit: Movie turns into an underwater survival horror once the sea creatures show up.

Hit: You can tell the budget went into these different locations.

Real Talk: Paul talking to his plushie: "How are you doing there, buddy? You want your bunny heater?" I don't wanna know what the hell that is.

Hit: Look closely in the distance behind Paul and you see a monstrous figure among the blinking red light. No stupid music stingers just subtle tension building.

Hit: *Paul is being pulled under but Norah and the others try to pull him back. Until his been pulled so hard from the leg that he practically got yanked out of his suit.*

Miss: There are dangerous sea creatures roaming around and none of the characters didn't stay close to Liam so he doesn't get grabbed.

Hit: The characters POVs from their helmets make things look claustrophobic when the sea creatures attack.

Hit: There are some quiet moments to get to know the characters a little more.

Hit: Norah in her diving suit taking out a sea creature with a flare gives me some Metroid flashbacks.

Real Talk: After Norah takes out one of the creatures from swallowing her whole, she fires a flare and sees what I assume is the momma of these creatures. She's bad ass man and I mean big.

Hit: Kristen Stewart running around in her bra and underwear.

Miss: Two pods are operational for Liam and Emily to escape but a third pod isn't, leaving Norah to stay behind.

Hit: Seeing Norah punching Emily was kinda hot.

Hit: Norah's final narration after setting the station's core to meltdown, killing the big momma and the creatures: "You lose your sense of time in the dark. So let's light this shit up." 

Hits & Misses Halloween: Harbinger Down

Hit: This movie is like what The Thing prequel should've been versus what we ended up with.

Hit: Svetlana talking to Dock: "He's begging for an ass kicking." Graff talking to Svetlana: "If anybody's going be delivering an ass kicking, it's gonna be me. You pull a knife on my ship and I'll gut you with it." Graff doesn't fuck around.

Hit: Also ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lance Henriksen!

Miss: Stephen sure can't document a video, Ronelle's try to get footage of the salvaged moon lander and he keeps telling her to stay on him.

Hit/Real Talk: Movie has likable characters, except for Stephen he's a bit of an asshole.

Hit/LOL: "Professor Asswipe..."

Real Talk: Just pointing this out but are Svetlana's eyes suppose to look like that or is she wearing contacts?

Miss: Sadie was wearing gloves when inspecting the moon lander and its pilot. But go right ahead Stephen, touch anything in there with your bare hands. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

Miss: Stephen talking to Sadie and Graff: "Instead of leaving sealed human remains inside of a pressure suit. She chose to expose us all to who knows what kind of biohazard." He's not wrong but then again he did exposed himself to said who-knows-what-kind-of-biohazard by putting his bare hands on the dead cosmonaut. Jackass...

Hit: Graff talking to Stephen as he has him restrained: "You throw one tantrum and I'll bite your goddamn nose off." Again, Graff doesn't fuck around.

Hit: *Stephen is out in the cold complaining that he can't breath, he's then moved back inside until his back starts growing strange appendages. Afterwards strange goo shoots out all over the place.* One of many awesome scenes with impressive practical effects.

Hit: *Some of that goo starts moving, escaping via nearby drain.* Suddenly I'm John Carpenter's The Thing flashbacks.

Hit: Dock talking to Sadie: "I put this on you...you and this voodoo bullshit!" John Carpenter's The Thing callback.

Hit: They even use practical effects for the micro-creatures when seen under a microscope.

LOL: Graff: "We're gonna need a bigger bucket."

Hit: This movie is an Easter egg of The Thing references because there's a Chess Wizard game seen in the engine room.

Hit: After the infected Dock is burnt by Svetlana. Big G: "Did it had to be fire." Svetlana: "Freeze melts, fire is forever."

Miss: Ronelle just stands too close where the tentacled creature is flailing from a pipe, gets grabbed and pulled into said pipe.

Hit: The bottom half of Atka approaching towards Svetlana as it mutates and eventually snatches her away through the vents.

Hit: This film is a testament of how practical effects have adapted in the era of CGI.

Miss: Graff ends up infected.

Hit: *Big G is confronted by the now mutated Svetlana.* More impressive practical effects at work.

Hit: Also Mutated Svetlana Boob!

Real Talk: Sadie talking to the Dutch Harbor coast guard: "All souls lost, except one. Harbinger down...." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title drop.    

Hits & Misses Halloween: The Mind's Eye (2015)

Hit: This film has a deep vibe of David Cronenberg's Scanners.

Real Talk: "THIS FILM SHOULD BE PLAYED LOUD" OK...but why?

Real Talk: Funding private research facilities to weaponize psionic beings is never a good sign.

Real Talk: I can't help it that the Zack character looks a lot like Daniel Radcliff.

Hit: Slovak has an injection that temporally subdue Zack's abilities rather than being an idiot for not taking any precautions beforehand.

Hit: It seems that the psychokinesis in this movie works by the PK's field of vision. As in they can use their powers whenever people and objects are in their line of sight. Interesting concept.

Real Talk: "February 1991" I had to be six years old at that time.

Hit: Movie takes place in the 90s and aesthetics really shows.

Miss: What did Zack expect when agreeing to go with Slovak? Of course he wasn't gonna keep his end of the agreement to let Zack see Rachel. That's how suspicious organizations with hidden agendas work. 

Real Talk: It's revealed a little later that Slovak has been taking injections derived from Rachel's spinal fluid to gain psychokinetic abilities. It starts off small but further on it goes into awesome body horror territory the more injections he takes.

Miss: *Rachel tries to get loose as she stabs two different people with the ONE syringe before Slovak subdues her with the same syringe.* That one syringe has been in three different people, they gonna end up with AIDS and shit.

Miss: Slovak's a bit of a creepo keeping Rachel at his house, away from his institute.

Hit: *While in his restraints, Zack manages to remove the sack with his powers.* Well that's one way to improvise. 

Miss: These institute security guys are aware that Zack and two other PKs have powers. Why even bother threating them with guns? 

Hit: *Zack and Rachel are cornered by one of the institute guards until Zack uses his powers to snap the guy's neck in a 180.* Just fucking gruesome....

Hit: Rachel: "You never told me you left after she died." Zack: "It's complicated...." Rachel: "Stop fucking saying that." I'm with Rachel, that line's way over used.

Miss: I understand that Slovak wants to be a PK but why not also give his security guys the same injection? May help even things up against two PKs he's after, just saying.

Hit: *Zack's father uses his powers on one of Slovak's men, Kurt until another PK, Travis stops him.* Almost had a Scanners moment there.

Miss: Travis is a PK, why the hell does he need a gun?

Miss: Also you what would be a big help for these Slovak guys when it comes to handling PKs? Some tranquillizer guns or at least some tasers. It's quite clear that threating them with guns ain't gonna do shit.

Hit: *Rachel uses her powers on Kurt until his head explodes Scanners style.* Now we're talking, some good old head explosions.

Hit: The injection spot on the back of Slovak's neck starts looking quite nasty with those impressive make-up effects. Even his voice starts to change just slightly.

Hit: A small PK fight breaks out until Slovak psychically rips Armstrong in two.

Hit: Another impressive practical effect when Zack shoots a Slovak guard at the knee, causing his leg to fall off.

Hit: *Zack managed to overpower Travis then proceeds to chop his head off with a fire axe.* Movie spares no expense on those practical effects.

Hit: Slovak gives himself the last injection and now he looks like something straight out of a Resident Evil Game.

Hit: *Zack takes out the last guard with the fire axe, splitting his head in half.* Fucking hell!

Real Talk: *Zack and Slovak have a psychic staring contest.* Suddenly I'm getting Vale/Revok fight flashbacks.

Hit: Zack use all his powers until Slovak literally explodes.   

Hits & Misses Halloween: Howl

Real Talk: I'm surprised this movie wasn't titled Werewolves on a Train, makes perfect sense considering what happens in the film.

Miss: Nina showing her train ticket to Joe while still on her phone: "Oh my god, this guy is totally staring at my tits." Well you're obviously lying given how the scene didn't hinted that at all. Not to mention your scarf's covering up any cleavage you have underneath it.

Real Talk: This one passenger has two sets of keys, that's not suspicious at all.

Hit: Sean Pertwee in a werewolf movie, this could get awesome.

Miss: The train driver is outside checking the track but either he and Joe don't have radios to talk to each other.

Real Talk: Rustling sounds coming from the woods behind the train driver, I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

Miss: And Sean Pertwee is killed off by a werewolf and I was hoping he'd kill a few be he died.

Hit: Joe telling Nina: "This is a no smoking train, miss." Nina: "Piss off...." *Joe then snatches the cigarette from her and puts it out.* Yeah, fuck that bitch.

Hit: *Joe, Ellen and the passengers are walking along the track as there are a set of scary eyes in the distance before they fade into the darkness.* This is one of those blink-and-you'll-miss-it scene but delivers a subtle scare. 

Real Talk: Oh yes Joe, go investigate all the rustling from the bushes. What could possibly go wrong?

Miss: *The elderly couple were practically left behind when they hear the monstrous howling.* What a bunch of assholes.

Hit: *Jenny's leg gets caught of the train door then gets bitten by a werewolf.* Damn that's a nasty bite!

Hit: The movie spared no expense in the practical effects on that bite wound.

Miss: Kinda pointless to be quiet, whatever's out there has a clear idea you guys are in the train.

Hit: In most horror films, the main characters' cellphone (and other means of communication) conveniently don't work. But in this movie, the emergency phone on the train is out only to be revealed that the line to the phone was cut. "How did they cut the power, man?! They're animals!"

Real Talk: I know Jenny's in pain and all but she sounds rather kinky making those moaning noises.

Hit: *A bonding moment with Kate and Nina.*

Miss: I don't know what Nina's Mom's problem is that she completely ignores her daughter's plea for help.

Miss: So after redeeming Nina just a tad with that earlier scene with Kate, she gets killed off.

Hit: It took an old man to tell these people to quit whining and do something.

Real Talk: *Adrian reveals to Joe that he's married with kids while having multiple affairs in secret.* What an asshole.

Miss: *Paul uses the restroom, outside of the barricaded cabin until the werewolf burst in from the ceiling and tears him apart.* Nice going, jackass. Why don't you have a dinner bell around your neck while you're at it?

Hit: Even after Job sees the werewolf, the movie still shows small glimpses of it to add more tension.

Hit: The werewolf design is most impressive.

Miss: *This one roided as fuck werewolf got taken out by normal, panicky humans.* Well that was fucking easy and disappointing.

Hit: *Werewolf tries to get up but Joe completely smashed its skull in with a fire extinguisher.* Nice!

Real Talk: Movie shows three more werewolves and they looked pissed.

Miss: *Matt's suppose to be Billy's lookout until hears noises from the woods and leaves to check.*  And of course the person hears some voices in the woods and goes to investigate all alone. Because that has never gone wrong at all.

Hit: Even hidden by the darkness, these werewolves are still terrifying.

Real Talk: I don't feel sorry for Matt one bit, it's his own fault for wondering off into the woods.

Hit: Jenny's reaction to all the howling outside.

Hit: Them some fine werewolf legs I've ever seen.

Hit: Jenny's transitioning into a werewolf.

Miss: *Adrian doesn't warn Kate that one of the werewolves is at the train door where she's standing at. And then the werewolf bust through the door, grabbing Kate but Adrian just kicks her out the door.* Again what an asshole...

Miss: Ellen: "Where's Kate? Adrian: "She'd still be alive if you hadn't tied me up." Bullshit she would, asshole.

Hit: Two of these werewolves clearly have boobs.

Hit: Billy's Last Stand

Miss: Joe stands behind to give Ellen the chance to get away.

Miss: Nobody at this train station don't even notice this one woman all dirty and bloody?

Hit: Movie ends with Adrian being maul to death by the now transitioning werewolf Joe. What, I'm suppose to care for Adrian? Fuck that guy he's an asshole, the way I see it karma's just doing its job.      

Hits & Misses Halloween: Dagon

Hit: *Paul (in a dream sequence) is scuba diving until he sees a topless mermaid.* You know what, if the The Little Mermaid remake was like this I'd totally watch it.

Hit: Also, Mermaid Boobs!

Miss: Paul's in bed with a hot woman and all he wants is to check on the stock market.

Real Talk: Well this is the worst sailing trap ever, a storm cause the boat to crash on a rock and Vicki's leg is caught under.

Miss: Oh man, that CGI underwater scene is not so good.

Real Talk: A spooky town with not a soul in sight, that's not a bad sign at all.

Hit: Paul's wearing a sweater with the word Miskatonic on it. Referring to the fictional university Miskatonic from H.P. Lovecraft's works.

Hit: The town itself really brings out the feel of being in a labyrinth at times.

Miss: *Paul tries to talk to the hotel clerk, badly.* Because when you don't know a lick of Spanish just add an O at the end of certain words. That won't make you sound like racist or just an asshole.

Hit: The townsfolks' constant lack of blinking makes them very unsettling, which I'm sure that was intentional.

Real Talk: You'd think Paul would find it a bit suspicious with the hotel room being out up to code.

Hit: *Paul sees the creepy townsfolk converging on the hotel as they proceed inside to get him.* Now entering survival horror mode.

Hit: The townsfolk making the inhuman noises adds more to their creepiness. And also makes them seen less human.

Hit: *Paul comes across a sort of slaughterhouse and finds a lot of human skin, including Howard's.* The townsfolk has an impressive skin collection that'll make the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers blush.

Miss: Ezequiel is the only human left in Imboca who hasn't been converted into a Dagon follower yet the rest of the people just let him roam freely. I guess we wouldn't get an explanation on how Imboca became like it is otherwise.

Hit: Most horror films have the main character desperately searching for car keys. Paul on the other had the right idea of hot wiring a car. 

Real Talk: I should be judging Paul for making with Uxia while still has a girlfriend who's missing. But then again how many people get to opportunity to find their literal dream person.  

Real Talk: This was about to turn into a Cinemax softcore sex scene. There's even a cheesy love music and everything.

Hit: Mermaid Boobs, again!

Hit: And I don't care if she's half sea-creature, Uxia's pretty hot.

Hit: Paul desperately getting away from the crazy fish people really gives off a vibe on what a live-action Resident Evil should've been versus what we ended up with.

Real Talk: Vicki still alive but more then likely got raped by Dagon. And you're welcome to use your imagination on how a human got raped by an eldritch horror god.

Hit: Gees, where did Barbara learned Kung-Fu?

Hit: "Cthulhu Fhtagn...."

Hit: A really gruesome scene of Ezequiel getting his face cut then ripped off. 

Real Talk: Uxia: "Until you came, there have been no sacrifices for a year. Dagon needs her." Paul: "Fuck Dagon!" Uxia: "Yes..." I don't think he meant it literally, lady.

Hit: Uxia has beautiful creepy eyes.

Real Talk: *After Paul's unchained he immediately some two knives and stabs two of the Imbocans, leaving only the priest. Paul talking to the priest: "Come on, motherfucker..." Look out everyone we got a bad ass over here.

Miss: Yeah you can clearly see post-flayed Ezequiel breathing as Paul leaves with a can of kerosene.

Hit: Bloody Naked Barbara

Hit: The make-up prosthetics of the Imbocans are really good for a movie made in 2001. 

Miss: So it's revealed that Paul's the son of Xavier Cambarro, meaning that he and Uxia are siblings. This movie had me going with this kooky romance with Paul and Uxia only to turn out to be incestual.

Real Talk: *And after that reveal, Paul dowse himself with kerosene then sets himself on fire.* Don't blame him, if my literal dream girl turns out to be my illegitimate sister I'd set myself on fire too.

Hit: Uxia Ass Shot!