Hits & Misses Halloween: Underwater

Hit: I'm really digging the music in the opening credits and I swear that wasn't a pun considering where the movie takes place.

Real Talk: The newspaper clippings essentially acts as a setup before shit hits the fan at the drilling station.

Hit: Not gonna lie, Kristen Stewart is a good actress when giving a decent script/role. Rather than coming off as just droning on with her performance like in Twilight.

Hit: Hell at least her character's narration sounds more interesting than Bella's pretentious blabbering.

Hit: Also Kristen's kinda cute with glasses.

Miss: Paul talking Norah after being dug up from the rubble: "You sweet flat chested elven creature." Well that's just rude, I mean yeah she is flat chested but still rude.

Real Talk: Although he did brought up an interesting concept of Kristen Stewart as an elf. It could work, have the right writer, producer and director it could work. And Kristen can totally pull off the appearance of an elf given her androgynous features.

Hit: Norah's no Ellen Ripley but she's no cardboard cut-out caricature either. Especially when she doesn't just conveniently knows and/or has every skill imaginable. I'm looking at you Rey (NOT)Skywalker.

Real Talk: No idea why Paul is carrying around a bunny plushie the whole time and to tell you the truth I don't wanna know. Somethings are better off as a mystery and never to be brought up again.

Miss: *Close up on Paul's ass while wearing ripped underwear.* I did not need to see that.

Hit: *Norah Ass Shot* Now that I did need to see.

Hit: Them diving suits look more like futuristic battle armor, they do look cool though. Also they make Norah look kinda bad ass.

Real Talk: An elven Kristen Stewart in a futuristic battle armor, that could totally work.

Hit: Seeing Liam wearing a bandana in these diving suits gives me Leviathan flashbacks.

Miss: *When the exterior hatch opens, Rodrigo's helmet starts to crack then eventually him and his suit implodes.* OK, why did that happened? Did Rodrigo not check the helmet for cracks? Or he did and just thought it be no big deal? Did he had a death wish?  That was a random thing to happen is what I'm saying.

Miss: Norah talking about Rodrigo: "He knew that helmet was faulty." So he did had a death wish? Why would he still use that helmet regardless? And it's not like the movie hint at it too well about the helmet being faulty when he checked it.

Hit: Gotta give the movie credit for making the characters likable and have camaraderie even in the middle of a crisis. 

Hit: Paul's and Liam's POV adds some tension when they're searching a destroyed escape pod.

Hit: Emily messing around with the weird sea creature gives me flashbacks of Ash examining the Facehugger.

LOL: Paul: "This better not be some Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea shit, man."

Real Talk: To anyone who has played the video game Soma may get a thrill out of this movie.

Hit: Movie turns into an underwater survival horror once the sea creatures show up.

Hit: You can tell the budget went into these different locations.

Real Talk: Paul talking to his plushie: "How are you doing there, buddy? You want your bunny heater?" I don't wanna know what the hell that is.

Hit: Look closely in the distance behind Paul and you see a monstrous figure among the blinking red light. No stupid music stingers just subtle tension building.

Hit: *Paul is being pulled under but Norah and the others try to pull him back. Until his been pulled so hard from the leg that he practically got yanked out of his suit.*

Miss: There are dangerous sea creatures roaming around and none of the characters didn't stay close to Liam so he doesn't get grabbed.

Hit: The characters POVs from their helmets make things look claustrophobic when the sea creatures attack.

Hit: There are some quiet moments to get to know the characters a little more.

Hit: Norah in her diving suit taking out a sea creature with a flare gives me some Metroid flashbacks.

Real Talk: After Norah takes out one of the creatures from swallowing her whole, she fires a flare and sees what I assume is the momma of these creatures. She's bad ass man and I mean big.

Hit: Kristen Stewart running around in her bra and underwear.

Miss: Two pods are operational for Liam and Emily to escape but a third pod isn't, leaving Norah to stay behind.

Hit: Seeing Norah punching Emily was kinda hot.

Hit: Norah's final narration after setting the station's core to meltdown, killing the big momma and the creatures: "You lose your sense of time in the dark. So let's light this shit up." 

Hits & Misses Halloween: Harbinger Down

Hit: This movie is like what The Thing prequel should've been versus what we ended up with.

Hit: Svetlana talking to Dock: "He's begging for an ass kicking." Graff talking to Svetlana: "If anybody's going be delivering an ass kicking, it's gonna be me. You pull a knife on my ship and I'll gut you with it." Graff doesn't fuck around.

Hit: Also ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lance Henriksen!

Miss: Stephen sure can't document a video, Ronelle's try to get footage of the salvaged moon lander and he keeps telling her to stay on him.

Hit/Real Talk: Movie has likable characters, except for Stephen he's a bit of an asshole.

Hit/LOL: "Professor Asswipe..."

Real Talk: Just pointing this out but are Svetlana's eyes suppose to look like that or is she wearing contacts?

Miss: Sadie was wearing gloves when inspecting the moon lander and its pilot. But go right ahead Stephen, touch anything in there with your bare hands. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

Miss: Stephen talking to Sadie and Graff: "Instead of leaving sealed human remains inside of a pressure suit. She chose to expose us all to who knows what kind of biohazard." He's not wrong but then again he did exposed himself to said who-knows-what-kind-of-biohazard by putting his bare hands on the dead cosmonaut. Jackass...

Hit: Graff talking to Stephen as he has him restrained: "You throw one tantrum and I'll bite your goddamn nose off." Again, Graff doesn't fuck around.

Hit: *Stephen is out in the cold complaining that he can't breath, he's then moved back inside until his back starts growing strange appendages. Afterwards strange goo shoots out all over the place.* One of many awesome scenes with impressive practical effects.

Hit: *Some of that goo starts moving, escaping via nearby drain.* Suddenly I'm John Carpenter's The Thing flashbacks.

Hit: Dock talking to Sadie: "I put this on you...you and this voodoo bullshit!" John Carpenter's The Thing callback.

Hit: They even use practical effects for the micro-creatures when seen under a microscope.

LOL: Graff: "We're gonna need a bigger bucket."

Hit: This movie is an Easter egg of The Thing references because there's a Chess Wizard game seen in the engine room.

Hit: After the infected Dock is burnt by Svetlana. Big G: "Did it had to be fire." Svetlana: "Freeze melts, fire is forever."

Miss: Ronelle just stands too close where the tentacled creature is flailing from a pipe, gets grabbed and pulled into said pipe.

Hit: The bottom half of Atka approaching towards Svetlana as it mutates and eventually snatches her away through the vents.

Hit: This film is a testament of how practical effects have adapted in the era of CGI.

Miss: Graff ends up infected.

Hit: *Big G is confronted by the now mutated Svetlana.* More impressive practical effects at work.

Hit: Also Mutated Svetlana Boob!

Real Talk: Sadie talking to the Dutch Harbor coast guard: "All souls lost, except one. Harbinger down...." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title drop.    

Hits & Misses Halloween: The Mind's Eye (2015)

Hit: This film has a deep vibe of David Cronenberg's Scanners.

Real Talk: "THIS FILM SHOULD BE PLAYED LOUD" OK...but why?

Real Talk: Funding private research facilities to weaponize psionic beings is never a good sign.

Real Talk: I can't help it that the Zack character looks a lot like Daniel Radcliff.

Hit: Slovak has an injection that temporally subdue Zack's abilities rather than being an idiot for not taking any precautions beforehand.

Hit: It seems that the psychokinesis in this movie works by the PK's field of vision. As in they can use their powers whenever people and objects are in their line of sight. Interesting concept.

Real Talk: "February 1991" I had to be six years old at that time.

Hit: Movie takes place in the 90s and aesthetics really shows.

Miss: What did Zack expect when agreeing to go with Slovak? Of course he wasn't gonna keep his end of the agreement to let Zack see Rachel. That's how suspicious organizations with hidden agendas work. 

Real Talk: It's revealed a little later that Slovak has been taking injections derived from Rachel's spinal fluid to gain psychokinetic abilities. It starts off small but further on it goes into awesome body horror territory the more injections he takes.

Miss: *Rachel tries to get loose as she stabs two different people with the ONE syringe before Slovak subdues her with the same syringe.* That one syringe has been in three different people, they gonna end up with AIDS and shit.

Miss: Slovak's a bit of a creepo keeping Rachel at his house, away from his institute.

Hit: *While in his restraints, Zack manages to remove the sack with his powers.* Well that's one way to improvise. 

Miss: These institute security guys are aware that Zack and two other PKs have powers. Why even bother threating them with guns? 

Hit: *Zack and Rachel are cornered by one of the institute guards until Zack uses his powers to snap the guy's neck in a 180.* Just fucking gruesome....

Hit: Rachel: "You never told me you left after she died." Zack: "It's complicated...." Rachel: "Stop fucking saying that." I'm with Rachel, that line's way over used.

Miss: I understand that Slovak wants to be a PK but why not also give his security guys the same injection? May help even things up against two PKs he's after, just saying.

Hit: *Zack's father uses his powers on one of Slovak's men, Kurt until another PK, Travis stops him.* Almost had a Scanners moment there.

Miss: Travis is a PK, why the hell does he need a gun?

Miss: Also you what would be a big help for these Slovak guys when it comes to handling PKs? Some tranquillizer guns or at least some tasers. It's quite clear that threating them with guns ain't gonna do shit.

Hit: *Rachel uses her powers on Kurt until his head explodes Scanners style.* Now we're talking, some good old head explosions.

Hit: The injection spot on the back of Slovak's neck starts looking quite nasty with those impressive make-up effects. Even his voice starts to change just slightly.

Hit: A small PK fight breaks out until Slovak psychically rips Armstrong in two.

Hit: Another impressive practical effect when Zack shoots a Slovak guard at the knee, causing his leg to fall off.

Hit: *Zack managed to overpower Travis then proceeds to chop his head off with a fire axe.* Movie spares no expense on those practical effects.

Hit: Slovak gives himself the last injection and now he looks like something straight out of a Resident Evil Game.

Hit: *Zack takes out the last guard with the fire axe, splitting his head in half.* Fucking hell!

Real Talk: *Zack and Slovak have a psychic staring contest.* Suddenly I'm getting Vale/Revok fight flashbacks.

Hit: Zack use all his powers until Slovak literally explodes.   

Hits & Misses Halloween: Howl

Real Talk: I'm surprised this movie wasn't titled Werewolves on a Train, makes perfect sense considering what happens in the film.

Miss: Nina showing her train ticket to Joe while still on her phone: "Oh my god, this guy is totally staring at my tits." Well you're obviously lying given how the scene didn't hinted that at all. Not to mention your scarf's covering up any cleavage you have underneath it.

Real Talk: This one passenger has two sets of keys, that's not suspicious at all.

Hit: Sean Pertwee in a werewolf movie, this could get awesome.

Miss: The train driver is outside checking the track but either he and Joe don't have radios to talk to each other.

Real Talk: Rustling sounds coming from the woods behind the train driver, I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

Miss: And Sean Pertwee is killed off by a werewolf and I was hoping he'd kill a few be he died.

Hit: Joe telling Nina: "This is a no smoking train, miss." Nina: "Piss off...." *Joe then snatches the cigarette from her and puts it out.* Yeah, fuck that bitch.

Hit: *Joe, Ellen and the passengers are walking along the track as there are a set of scary eyes in the distance before they fade into the darkness.* This is one of those blink-and-you'll-miss-it scene but delivers a subtle scare. 

Real Talk: Oh yes Joe, go investigate all the rustling from the bushes. What could possibly go wrong?

Miss: *The elderly couple were practically left behind when they hear the monstrous howling.* What a bunch of assholes.

Hit: *Jenny's leg gets caught of the train door then gets bitten by a werewolf.* Damn that's a nasty bite!

Hit: The movie spared no expense in the practical effects on that bite wound.

Miss: Kinda pointless to be quiet, whatever's out there has a clear idea you guys are in the train.

Hit: In most horror films, the main characters' cellphone (and other means of communication) conveniently don't work. But in this movie, the emergency phone on the train is out only to be revealed that the line to the phone was cut. "How did they cut the power, man?! They're animals!"

Real Talk: I know Jenny's in pain and all but she sounds rather kinky making those moaning noises.

Hit: *A bonding moment with Kate and Nina.*

Miss: I don't know what Nina's Mom's problem is that she completely ignores her daughter's plea for help.

Miss: So after redeeming Nina just a tad with that earlier scene with Kate, she gets killed off.

Hit: It took an old man to tell these people to quit whining and do something.

Real Talk: *Adrian reveals to Joe that he's married with kids while having multiple affairs in secret.* What an asshole.

Miss: *Paul uses the restroom, outside of the barricaded cabin until the werewolf burst in from the ceiling and tears him apart.* Nice going, jackass. Why don't you have a dinner bell around your neck while you're at it?

Hit: Even after Job sees the werewolf, the movie still shows small glimpses of it to add more tension.

Hit: The werewolf design is most impressive.

Miss: *This one roided as fuck werewolf got taken out by normal, panicky humans.* Well that was fucking easy and disappointing.

Hit: *Werewolf tries to get up but Joe completely smashed its skull in with a fire extinguisher.* Nice!

Real Talk: Movie shows three more werewolves and they looked pissed.

Miss: *Matt's suppose to be Billy's lookout until hears noises from the woods and leaves to check.*  And of course the person hears some voices in the woods and goes to investigate all alone. Because that has never gone wrong at all.

Hit: Even hidden by the darkness, these werewolves are still terrifying.

Real Talk: I don't feel sorry for Matt one bit, it's his own fault for wondering off into the woods.

Hit: Jenny's reaction to all the howling outside.

Hit: Them some fine werewolf legs I've ever seen.

Hit: Jenny's transitioning into a werewolf.

Miss: *Adrian doesn't warn Kate that one of the werewolves is at the train door where she's standing at. And then the werewolf bust through the door, grabbing Kate but Adrian just kicks her out the door.* Again what an asshole...

Miss: Ellen: "Where's Kate? Adrian: "She'd still be alive if you hadn't tied me up." Bullshit she would, asshole.

Hit: Two of these werewolves clearly have boobs.

Hit: Billy's Last Stand

Miss: Joe stands behind to give Ellen the chance to get away.

Miss: Nobody at this train station don't even notice this one woman all dirty and bloody?

Hit: Movie ends with Adrian being maul to death by the now transitioning werewolf Joe. What, I'm suppose to care for Adrian? Fuck that guy he's an asshole, the way I see it karma's just doing its job.      

Hits & Misses Halloween: Dagon

Hit: *Paul (in a dream sequence) is scuba diving until he sees a topless mermaid.* You know what, if the The Little Mermaid remake was like this I'd totally watch it.

Hit: Also, Mermaid Boobs!

Miss: Paul's in bed with a hot woman and all he wants is to check on the stock market.

Real Talk: Well this is the worst sailing trap ever, a storm cause the boat to crash on a rock and Vicki's leg is caught under.

Miss: Oh man, that CGI underwater scene is not so good.

Real Talk: A spooky town with not a soul in sight, that's not a bad sign at all.

Hit: Paul's wearing a sweater with the word Miskatonic on it. Referring to the fictional university Miskatonic from H.P. Lovecraft's works.

Hit: The town itself really brings out the feel of being in a labyrinth at times.

Miss: *Paul tries to talk to the hotel clerk, badly.* Because when you don't know a lick of Spanish just add an O at the end of certain words. That won't make you sound like racist or just an asshole.

Hit: The townsfolks' constant lack of blinking makes them very unsettling, which I'm sure that was intentional.

Real Talk: You'd think Paul would find it a bit suspicious with the hotel room being out up to code.

Hit: *Paul sees the creepy townsfolk converging on the hotel as they proceed inside to get him.* Now entering survival horror mode.

Hit: The townsfolk making the inhuman noises adds more to their creepiness. And also makes them seen less human.

Hit: *Paul comes across a sort of slaughterhouse and finds a lot of human skin, including Howard's.* The townsfolk has an impressive skin collection that'll make the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers blush.

Miss: Ezequiel is the only human left in Imboca who hasn't been converted into a Dagon follower yet the rest of the people just let him roam freely. I guess we wouldn't get an explanation on how Imboca became like it is otherwise.

Hit: Most horror films have the main character desperately searching for car keys. Paul on the other had the right idea of hot wiring a car. 

Real Talk: I should be judging Paul for making with Uxia while still has a girlfriend who's missing. But then again how many people get to opportunity to find their literal dream person.  

Real Talk: This was about to turn into a Cinemax softcore sex scene. There's even a cheesy love music and everything.

Hit: Mermaid Boobs, again!

Hit: And I don't care if she's half sea-creature, Uxia's pretty hot.

Hit: Paul desperately getting away from the crazy fish people really gives off a vibe on what a live-action Resident Evil should've been versus what we ended up with.

Real Talk: Vicki still alive but more then likely got raped by Dagon. And you're welcome to use your imagination on how a human got raped by an eldritch horror god.

Hit: Gees, where did Barbara learned Kung-Fu?

Hit: "Cthulhu Fhtagn...."

Hit: A really gruesome scene of Ezequiel getting his face cut then ripped off. 

Real Talk: Uxia: "Until you came, there have been no sacrifices for a year. Dagon needs her." Paul: "Fuck Dagon!" Uxia: "Yes..." I don't think he meant it literally, lady.

Hit: Uxia has beautiful creepy eyes.

Real Talk: *After Paul's unchained he immediately some two knives and stabs two of the Imbocans, leaving only the priest. Paul talking to the priest: "Come on, motherfucker..." Look out everyone we got a bad ass over here.

Miss: Yeah you can clearly see post-flayed Ezequiel breathing as Paul leaves with a can of kerosene.

Hit: Bloody Naked Barbara

Hit: The make-up prosthetics of the Imbocans are really good for a movie made in 2001. 

Miss: So it's revealed that Paul's the son of Xavier Cambarro, meaning that he and Uxia are siblings. This movie had me going with this kooky romance with Paul and Uxia only to turn out to be incestual.

Real Talk: *And after that reveal, Paul dowse himself with kerosene then sets himself on fire.* Don't blame him, if my literal dream girl turns out to be my illegitimate sister I'd set myself on fire too.

Hit: Uxia Ass Shot!     

Hits & Misses: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Real Talk: So here we go, one last movie.

Real Talk: Super Duper Mega Ultra Alice The Final Chapter

Miss: Wow only two minutes in and the movie completely shatters what was established in RE Apocalypse. Instead of Dr. Ashford creating the T-Virus to cure his daughter, Angela it's actually James Marcus who created it to cure his daughter, Alicia. So the whole subplot with Ashford and Angela was rendered meaningless just like that. 

Miss: This film series biggest weakest #5, it's lack of internal consistency. Whatever subplots/plot-points were established in the series are just randomly retconned out of existence. Doesn't matter how broken/contrive it gets as long as there's still a story. This fully illustrates the zero fucks Paul Anderson puts into this film series. And it's no wonder why Angela is never mentioned after RE Apocalypse.

Miss: Marcus sure is rather strive for an old man, at least that's how RE Zero depicted him. 

Miss: Alice narrating: "My name is Alice and this is my story." Explains why most of the RE characters are reduced to minor characters and meat shields.

Real Talk: Alice, I don't think that's a good idea to be drinking water from the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. Especially in a T-Virus infected environment.

Miss: Red Queen went from Discount Skynet in RE Retribution to helping Alice into stopping herself. Because the script says so.

Miss: Alice talking to Red Queen: "Why would you help me?" Red Queen: "My programming will not allow me to harm the Umbrella Corporation." Oh fuck off, Anderson, trying to rip off Robocop! You can't even rip off Aliens without looking like a lazy hack!

Miss: *Red Queen reveals to Alice that Umbrella developed an airborne antivirus that can destroy the T-Virus and everything else it has infected. Furthermore this antivirus is located in what's left of the Hive.* And now to finally pull the pin on that plot hole grenade. If there's such an antivirus for this particular situation then why the fuck didn't the Red Queen just released it throughout the Hive when the T-Virus got out? Kinda makes that whole "killing everyone in the Hive" plan a bit of an overkill and unnecessary. 

Miss: And since Umbrella developed this miracle antivirus then why the fuck they could've just released it on Raccoon City when the T-Virus got out of the Hive? Kinda makes the whole "nuking the entire city" plan a bit of an overkill and unnecessary.

Miss: Also so much for that "Alice's blood is the cure" plot-point from RE Extinction. This is what happens when you don't pay attention to your writing or just don't give a shit when it comes to continuity/internal consistency.

Miss: Red Queen talking Alice: "Ten years ago in the Hive, we both failed. We let this happened." What's this "we" shit? As I recall you didn't even warned Alice and Kaplan to not shut you down in order to keep the zombies locked up. And apparently you didn't even gas the Hive with the antivirus to prevent the outbreak. Meanwhile Alice was trying to escape the Hive before it went into permanent lockdown. So again, what's this "we" shit?

Real Talk/Sarcasm: Oh look, Alice found a functional motorcycle just sitting out in the open that has an Umbrella brand on it. This is no way an obvious trap or anything. 

Real Talk: What is it with some zombie apocalypse stories that always have a psycho religious cult (leader)?

Miss: For the past three movies Wesker seems to be in charge of Umbrella. Now in this movie he's seem to be the bitch boy to Issacs.

Miss: If Issacs is actually in charge of Umbrella then why was his clone Wesker's bitch boy in RE Extinction?

Hit: Something about Alice being tied and dragged behind a vehicle while zombies are on her ass is kinda funny. 

Miss: This one Umbrella soldier armed with gun turrets and a rocket launcher can't hit this one person on a motorcycle even when locked on target. Are you fucking kidding me with this plot armor bullshit? 

Miss: Claire's in the movie yet no sign of Chris, hell she doesn't even mention on what happened to him in RE Retribution.

Miss: And might as well bring this up. Whatever happened to that little girl from RE Retribution? That movie made such a big deal about her since Alice found her. Also Jill, Leon and Ada are nowhere in this movie. You know when I'm more concerned for the characters being arbitrary written/retconned out of these movies than the supposed main character your writing's got problems.

Hit: Makeshift Catapults, makes more sense than regular shotguns firing quarters as ammo. 

Miss: *A woman survivor is running from a horde of zombies until a second exploding barrel lands on the horde and then explodes. Yet despite being inches from the explosion, the woman survivor is untouched as she keeps on running to safety.* I don't even need to explain on how much bullshit that was.

Hit: At least Alice is using a shotgun that fires actual rounds instead of quarters. That was still stupid.

Hit: *Alice is in a fist fight with one of the Umbrella soldiers but is struggling to keep up with him.* Now this is much better than having Alice being some unstoppable, invincible caricature whenever the script calls for it.  

Real Talk: Oh boy, all these redshirts are coming along with Alice to the Hive. Be a real shame if they die near the end.

Miss: Doc talking to Alice: "You have someone before all this? Husband? Family?" Alice: "I can't remember." Doc: "How's that possible?" Alice: "I woke up just when all this was starting. I can't recall much before that. Sometimes I like this has been my whole life. Running, killing." Really Final Chapter, you're gonna disregard what she went through since the first movie? I guess that line from RE Apocalypse (My name is Alice...and I remember everything) was bullshit, huh? 

Real Talk: Razor talking the Redshirt Group: "No guns, no ammo. What are we gonna do down here?" Well since you're all redshirts how about just die. 

Miss: *After Alice and crew arrived at the Hive, Red Queen shows them a video recording of an Umbrella meeting. In the recording Issacs propose a "orchestrated apocalypse" in order to stabilize the Earth's infrastructure and resources.* Alice: "They released it deliberately." No Alice they didn't, I remembered...unlike Anderson evidently. Unless I'm suppose to believe that Spence ( the character from the RE movie) was ordered by Issacs to release the T-Virus? Did Issacs knew about Spence stealing the virus and just let it happened because it coincide with his plans? Were those dumbass Umbrella scientists reopening the Hive to infect Raccoon City part of his plans? There's so just much bullshit to unpack here.      

Miss: Red Queen: "When this recording was uploaded to my data stream, it created a conflict in my programming. I was created to serve the Umbrella Corporation but I was also programmed to value human life." Then why the fuck did you killed all those people in the Hive after the T-Virus got loose?! Or what was Wesker going on about you wiping out humanity back in RE Retribution?! Anderson, internal consistency motherfucker, do you know how it works?!  

Miss: Red Queen after Alice puts in an earpiece: "I cannot through my actions harm an employee of Umbrella Corporation." Oh my god, I get it you're Discount Robocop shut the fuck up! 

Hit: *After Issacs is picked up by reinforcements and asked for water, one of the Umbrella soldiers refuses to follow his order but Issacs proceeds to stab him to death.* Issacs after taking a cup of water from another Umbrella soldier before drinking: "Thank you...." OK I'll give you that.

Miss: Alice does this discount Sherlock Homes mental calculations on how to kill the real Issacs. Now I would ask when can she do that but I doubt even Paul Anderson has the answer.

Miss: As shocking as it is with Alice being an Alicia clone, I'm still bothered how the movie disregard the Angela Ashford subplot just to have this reveal make any lick of sense.

Miss: If Issacs wanted Alicia out of the way then why keep her around this whole time? Why not have her killed when she was in cryo-sleep? Kinda stupid to keep the one person who betrayed you don't you think?  

Miss: Alicia talking to Wesker: "Albert Wesker, you're fired...." *Wesker no longer registers as an Umbrella employee, allowing the Red Queen to chop his foot off with a metal door.* Again Paul, fuck off trying to rip off Robocop.

Miss: Also so much for the Red Queen being programmed to value human life. If Issac Asimov was still around he would have a word with you on something called The Rules of Robotics. Yeah I know the Red Queen's an AI but my point still stands.

Miss: So let me get this straight, being blown up twice does nothing. A tiltrotor plane crash does nothing, being shot a billion times does nothing. But getting his foot chopped by a metal door is what takes him out. Yeah even the real Albert Wesker would call bullshit.

Miss: You know Issacs, you could've end this fight sooner if you set the laser security system to a grid beam sweep. But instead of setting up some laser dodging quick time event for Alice. Idiot.... 

Real Talk: *Alice and Issacs fighting in the laser hallway.* Why am I getting a sense of Deja Vu in this scene?

Miss: Hey Issacs maybe instead of explaining to the religious nut case that he's a clone how about just shoot him before he stabs you to death.

Miss: The antivirus is released, killing anything that's been T-Virus infected. Yet there's still these flying creatures as Alice rides off into the distance.

Hits & Misses: Resident Evil: Retribution

Real Talk: Before getting started, I wanna point out two things that I've over looked in RE Afterlife.

RE Afterlife Miss: If Wesker wanted to control the T-Virus inside him couldn't he just use the same serum that cured Alice? Or was that serum meant to be a one time and never be mentioned again?

RE Afterlife Miss: Wesker survived the Tiltrotor plane crash due to the T-Virus which begs the question how did Alice survived the exact same crash? And again she was injected with a serum that eliminated her T-Virus powers.

Real Talk: Super Duper Mega Ultra Alice: Retribution

Miss: I don't care what the reasons were to have this opening action scene played out in reverse. Unless you're Christopher Nolan and your movie is Memento, this is pointless as fuck.

Miss: Movie shows Alice in this opening scene but Chris and Claire are nowhere to be found. Not even Alice's opening narration mentions what happened to them.

Miss: *Alice recapping of what we already know about.* I already know who the fuck you are and what has happened in the previous movies! Do you at least have anything new to add to the table? Like an actual backstory for yourself? No....don't have one of those? Then fuck off....

Miss: So Jill was just captured and brainwashed by Umbrella. Not even gonna show when she was captured or why Umbrella would brainwashed her. Just give a throw away line in the opening narration.

Miss: And since I'm here, where's Angela Ashford this whole time? You know, that one character who was such a big deal in RE Apocalypse? Not gonna mention her in the opening narration? OK then...

Real Talk: And of course the narration completely ignores that whole "earth is now a barren wasteland" subplot.

Miss: If this opening scene was gonna be shown again in real time what was the point of showing it in reverse in the first place? 

Miss: After the car crash an Alice clone checks on her "daughter", Becky then the two of them make a run for it. But didn't even bother to check to see if the Rain clone was OK. What a bitch....

Hit: Naked Alice

Real Talk: Why would a holding cell have a skintight outfit in storage?

Real Talk: *Alice fighting several zombies in a long hallway.* I like this scene better when it was Black Widow in Iron Man 2. At least that movie didn't have those annoying slow-mos in every freaking shot. 

Real Talk: *Alice throws away the handgun after discovering a small armory.* Alice, you can still use the handgun you didn't had to throw it away.

Hit: Ada Wong

Miss: Ada talking until Alice interrupts her: "My name is...." Alice: "Ada Wong... Operative for the Umbrella Corporation, one of Albert Wesker's top agents. I know exactly who and what you are." Really...since when within the five movies so far? Because Ada's nowhere to be found in any of them. So I'm guessing there are external supplementary materials explaining this and if that's the case two things. One, keep the important plot details in your main story instead of some random external supplementary medium that are most likely never heard of by anyone. Two, relaying on random external supplementary materials to tell your main story is a failure of storytelling.   

Real Talk: Wesker's a good guy now why?

Hit: Barry Burton

Hit: Leon S Kennedy

Miss: If this is the same Red Queen from the first movie then how did she survived her mainframe being fried? Did she copied herself beforehand or something? 

Miss: Also that's a bit of a step backwards going from an A.I. hologram to being a face on a screen. It's just not as menacing you know?

Miss: *Alice, Ada and Becky are confronted by Jill, Clone One, Clone Rain and Clone Carlos.* Becky: "Daddy?" Alice: "He's not your father." Becky is deaf, Alice maybe say that again while she's reading your lips.

Hit: Ada using her grapple gun is the closest thing to a live action Resident Evil you're gonna get from this movie.

Real Talk: *A zombie armed with a chainsaw kills a redshirt in Wesker's strike team.* Oh no, not Redshirt #893!

Miss: Ada just inform Alice that the people in the underwater simulation facility are all clones. Yet Alice still acts confused/surprised when seeing clones of familiar characters for no reason.   

Real Talk: *Another redshirt in Wesker's strike team is killed a giant Licker.* Oh no, not Redshirt #23!

Miss: This giant Licker killed two people yet takes Becky away why?

Hit: Alice Ass Shot

Real Talk: Leon: "Where are you going?" Alice: "She's alive, I'm going to get her." How do you know that, Alice? 

Real Talk: Leon: "Don't do this, you're more important than she is." Alice: "That's where you're wrong." I don't know Alice, this film series has a weird habit of having characters randomly going M.I.A. for no explanations between movies. So I'm gonna have to agree with Leon.

Miss: This might be a long one so buckle up. *Alice finds Becky in some kind of cocoon before the giant Licker shows up.* So this one Licker starts acting like a Discount Xenomorph just for the movie to rip off a scene from Aliens where Ripley goes to the Atmosphere Processor Plant to rescue Newt from the Xenomorph hive. And all I can say is no....this movie did nothing to earn it. In the Director's Cut of Aliens, Ripley and Newt developed a surrogate mother/daughter relationship as the movie progresses. Both characters have lost their love ones and are survivors of a deadly alien species which adds more depth and commonality to their relationship. Ripley was that willing to go to hell and back to save Newt due this newly motherly bond with her. RE Retribution on the other hand, there's nothing of similar circumstances with Alice and Becky. The movie barely slows down for their mother/daughter relationship to develop organically. Not to mention Becky is only attached to Alice due to her "mother" being an Alice clone and having implanted memories. While Alice is attached to Becky because the script says she should be. Now maybe if Alice was a mother before/while working for Umbrella and have lost her child at some point then this surrogate relationship might've worked a little better. It's just unfortunate that the film series is too focus on making Alice a super duper mega ultra bad ass to give her any characterization and motivations. So this mother/daughter relationship just comes off as a narrative obligation rather than being a natural progression within the story.   

Miss: Now one last thing I swear and that is. Really Paul, you're really trying to compare Alice to Ellen Fucking Ripley? No....just no. Stop embarrassing yourself, man.

Hit: Barry's Last Stand

Real Talk: *Barry shoots the One Clone dead before he dies by gunfire.* This is the third time Colin Salmon died in a Paul W.S. Anderson, the second time being Alien vs Predator.

Miss: The one time where Barry and Jill are in the same scene together and they're not on the same side. 

Hit/Real Talk: Not gonna lie, this film's soundtrack is really awesome. But it's such a shame that it's wasted on a shitty movie. 

Miss: If the Rain Clone can get more powerful after a Las Plagas injection then why not have the other clone soldiers do the same? Would've make things a whole lot easier from the start.

Hit: Jill vs Alice, now clearly Jill is taking her anger out on Alice for taking away the spotlight and I don't blame her.

Hit: Alice getting the shit beaten out of her by Jill, because fuck Alice.

Miss: *Rain deliveries Alice a lethal death punch to the heart, yet somehow she just shrugs it off like it was nothing.* Uh bullshit! Alice should be insta-dead, how the fuck did she survive that? And I remind you again, she doesn't have her T-Virus powers anymore. So it's not like she blocked that punch with her telekinesis or rapidly heal from it. So again, how the hell did she survived this one punch? Is Paul Anderson really that protective of his super special character that he throws in some ever present fuck off plot armor to prevent any outcome that results in Alice dying? I guess so because otherwise in Anderson's mind there be no story if Alice dies in any way, shape or form.   

Miss: And what about Luther? He died by the same lethal punch to the heart. Where the fuck is his bullshit no death plot armor? Oh that's right, he's not Alice. So he gets to die with the rest of the characters that Anderson doesn't give a shit about.

Miss: In RE Afterlife Alice removes the mind control spider-bot from Claire, resulting in Claire having plot convenience amnesia. In RE Retribution Jill gets her spider-bot removed yet still retains her memories, even calling out to Alice by name. Continuity, how do?  

Real Talk: Jill you just got a spider-bot pulled out from your chest. Sure it hurts like shit but you seem to be moving around just find. Why not just get on one knee and kill Rain yourself? But OK throw the gun to the one person who should be dead or dying from a fatal death punch.

Miss: Rain talking to Alice: "You can't kill me...." That's still Chris' line who's not in this movie for reasons never explain.

Miss: Leon and Ada are in a scene together and it's put to waste by Leon groping Ada's thigh like a pervert. No banters, no memorable dialogues, just Leon reduced to a pervert. Good job movie... 

Miss: If Wesker was just gonna give Alice her powers back why not have his strike team give her the injection after they met up at the underwater facility? 

BONUS ROUND:

Miss: The Red Queen could've easily recapture Alice by gassing the entire facility for good measure. Because evidently sending hordes of B.O.W.s after her wasn't the smartest way to go.

Real Talk: I feel that all these zombies and other B.O.W.s are such a waste considering the facility has all these clone to test the Las Plagas parasite. Hell the place has plenty of Alice clones to duplicate the same process as with the original. Point being that an army of super clones seems more efficient than regular zombies.  

Miss: At no point all the other Lickers behaved like Discount Xenomorphs (capturing victims to be cocooned) in the previous movie. But this giant Licker does so for no reason aside from what I've already outlined earlier.

Real Talk: Jill's outfit makes her look like Zero Suit Samus. Now a live action Metroid would be nice, just keep Paul Anderson (or Uwe Boll) the fuck away from it.

Hits & Misses: Resident Evil Afterlife

Real Talk: Super Duper Mega Ultra Alice: Afterlife

Miss: Not a very good sign when a single movie has multiple producers.

Miss: *One of the Alice clones starts slicing up armed Umbrella guards.* As awesome this scene is, she could've use her telekinesis on these guys. Which she does when more guards showed up and are about to shoot her. Making that early slice and dice scene completely needless when you think about; unlike Paul Anderson who is the film series writer.

Miss: In fact, all of the Alice clones have telekinesis. So why not just have them mind blast the place instead of wasting the movie's runtime with pointless gunfights? This is what happens when you nerfed your superpowered character(s) instead of having them fight tougher enemies.

Miss: *Wesker makes his escape by tiltrotor plane as he blows up the underground facility. Killing what's left of the Alice clones.* And just like that all that build up with the Alice clones is swept under the rug after 14 minutes in. Paul Anderson must have the worst attention span with his writing.

Hit: Alice Ass Shot

Real Talk: Wesker injects the real Alice with a serum that renders her a normal human. Unfortunately this doesn't cure Alice of the plot convenience/contrivance disease she got from the script. 

Miss: *Alice magically walks away from a tiltrotor plane crash with next to no injuries.* Uh no, Alice's T-Virus powers are gone now. She should be pulverized meat after this, how the hell did Alice just walked away from a crash like she's Wile E Coyote? Alice got pretty fucked up after that helicopter crash in RE Apocalypse only to be revived by Umbrella scientists. But in this movie she just survives another crash without a scratch because fucking how? 

Miss: OK am I missing something here, wasn't the earth a barren wasteland one movie ago? Why are there now trees, lakes, snow and ice caps all of a sudden? Did Paul Anderson just forgot about the Discount Arrakis subplot somehow? Was he trying to retcon that but couldn't figure out how? Guess I'll just chalk it up to this film series biggest weakness #4. Whenever a plot point is established in the previous movie is just completely forgotten in the next movie.   

Miss: Movie, I know that Claire's surviving convoy took a chopper to Alaska. I didn't need the flashback to remind me.

Hit: *Alice gets a surprise sucker punch from Claire.* I really got nothing here, just felt like mentioning it.

Miss: Oh no, Claire now suffers the dreaded plot convenience amnesia.

Miss: Poor Kim Coates was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Kim Coates....

Miss: *Luther introduces himself to Claire only to rudely ignore him.* Now having plot convenience amnesia is horrible and all but that's no excuse of being a total bitch. Especially to someone who just saved your life.

Real Talk: *Crystal introduces herself to Alice until Bennet stops her.* This guy must've read the script, he knows this woman is nothing but a redshirt.

Real Talk: So this supposed safe haven in Alaska is a tanker ship, OK fair enough. But why wasn't it ever mention in the last movie? That would've nice to mention that important information, don't you think?

Miss: And of course Claire starts remembering bits and pieces about Arcadia but only when the plot deems it necessary. And by necessary I mean convenient.  

Real Talk: *Movie cuts to a zombie moving through the underground.* So the zombies are Discount Graboids now? OK....stupid but OK....

Miss: Poor Wentworth Miller was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Wentworth Miller...

Real Talk: Also, also HA HA I see what you did here! Chris Redfield's in a jail cell like in RE 1 and the actor playing him is from the show Prison Break. Ooooh you're so cleaver, Anderson...except not really.

Miss: So these Graboid zombies borrowed their way into the prison which I'm assuming was at night but decided to wait until the next day to attack the survivors. 

Miss: And here's the pay off to Claire's plot convenience amnesia. Chris calls out to her when he's let out of his cell but oh no Claire doesn't remember him. The movie has brought these two together just to throw in some needless drama bullshit.

Real Talk: *After Alice, Chris and Crystal make it to the basement of the prison, a zombie jumps out of the water, grabs Crystal, pulls her back in and kills her.* It's a good thing Redshirt Crystal came along because otherwise the movie would've kill off Chris. God forbid if they have to kill off Alice, I mean what are the odds of that happening?

Miss: Alice could've toss the explosive on top of the elevator and then got inside with the others before the elevator goes down. But instead she rips off a scene from Die Hard by tying herself to a cable and then goes swinging off the roof like she's fucking Spider-Man. At least in Die Hard John McClaine was in a hurry to get off the roof before it gets blown up. Not to mention an attack chopper that's gunning for him. There was no rhyme or reason for Alice staying on the rooftop just to do this. At this point this is just Paul Anderson mentally fapping in his scripts on how awesome Alice (or his wife) is. Even though it makes no goddamn sense within the plot. 

Miss: *Alice's two double-barreled shotguns can fire quarters, apparently.* Now I'm no gun/ballistics expert but how can a double-barreled shotgun fire impractical projectiles like quarters? It be one thing if Alice gathered these quarters and melted them into actual ammo (which would make more sense) but that's not even the case. At least the early RE games have a crafting system to make different types of ammo. But I guess she just stuffs these quarters in the barrels with shit tons of gunpower and with the power of plot convenience these guns can still fire without jamming or exploding in her hands.   

Miss: Also she just came from the prison armory where there's plenty of actual shotgun rounds for Alice to use but I guess it wouldn't be as awesome as using impractical projectiles as ammo.

Hit: *Claire confronts the Executioner creature after Alice is knocked out. Then Claire eventually brings down the Executioner with a shotgun.* You see that Paul, was it so hard to have RE characters have their action moments without being out played by Alice?   

Hit: Also nice superhero landing by Claire.

Miss: But of course the scene gets ruined by having Claire conveniently forget how to duck when the Executioner throws his giant axe at her. Having Alice to move her out the way and gets the kill shot on the Executioner. Because god forbid if an RE character have their moments more than Alice.     

Miss: *Upon arriving to Arcadia, Claire sees the Umbrella logo then remembers of her convoy being taken by Umbrella guards. Telling Alice and Chris that Arcadia's a trap.* So it's revealed that the whole thing about "Alaska being safe" was complete bullshit. Now should I be surprised by that, because I'm not. Considering how RE Extinction was being so vague with Alaska being isolated from the infection in the first place. 

Real Talk: Also I bet Alice feels like a complete dumbass for sending survivors to Alaska based on fucking nothing but flimsy information.

Miss: Again Alice's powers are gone, why she is getting random flashes when she touches a blood covered stasis pod?

Miss: When Alice, Chris and Claire entered this storage room it's clean as a whistle. But after Claire releases all the stasis pods there's now this random blood trail to the next room. Where did the blood trail come from? Why's there a blood trail just appeared from nowhere when it wasn't before literally a few minutes ago? Did someone or something made this trail after leaving the pod, if so how did Alice and the others not seen what the hell it was?

Real Talk: Alice after finding the still Wesker in another room: "Why am I not surprise?" It's because you read the script. 

Real Talk: The T-Virus revived Wesker but it's trying to take control of his body. So he resorts to ingest fresh human DNA in order to maintain control. But since Alice once bonded with the T-Virus, ingesting her will make his control more permanent. So basically he's Discount Alex Mercer.     

Miss: Wesker talking to Alice: "You were the only who successfully bonded with the T-Virus. Your DNA is stronger than the others." Still doesn't give a detailed explanation but sure, whatever helps Paul Anderson not to think too much in the script. 

Miss: Wesker talking to Chris and Claire: "Well isn't this one big family reunion. Chris and Claire Redfield, you have really become quite an inconvenience for me." They have...since when, between movies?  As far as I know in THIS movie this is first time Wesker has met these two and vice versa. How exactly were they an inconvenience? Claire was leading a convoy back in RE Extinction and Chris was just locked in a jail cell. I'm just really confused by that line. 

Miss: Alice talking to Wesker: "I told I'd be bringing a few friends." Uh Alice you already did, remember your personal clone army whom are all dead now? Chris and Claire are more like your acquaintances.....no that's too strong. Colleagues....no that's not it either...... Um....disposable meat shields yeah that's it.  

Hit: Wesker throws his sunglasses at Chris.

Hit: Chris fighting Wesker is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live action you're gonna get from this movie.

Hit: *Chris and Claire shooting the shit out of Wesker.* OK, that's awesome.

Miss: *Wesker escapes by tiltrotor plane only to blown himself up when a bomb was placed on the tiltrotor plane.* So am I suppose to believe that Alice planted the bomb onboard before Wesker escape? If so when did she do this while not being notice by anyone? 

Hit: Jill Valentine Ass Shot

Hit: Jill Valentine Cleavage  

Real Talk: I'm sure the next movie will explain where the hell Jill has been since RE Apocalypse but I'm not holding my breath on that.

BONUS ROUND:

Miss: Most of the scenes would've gone a lot faster without the slow motion shots. And also pro tip, not every scene in an action film needs slow motion shots.

Real Talk: If Wesker needed Alice to control the T-Virus inside him, couldn't he just make some Alice clones? 

Miss: *Redshirt Kim Yong get sliced in two from behind by the Executioner.* Now this big motherfucker managed to sneak up on someone so easily?

Miss: You can give these redshirt characters backstory all you want, it doesn't stop them from becoming Alice's meat shields.

Hits & Misses: Resident Evil Extinction

Real Talk: Super Duper Mega Ultra Alice: Extinction

Miss: Apparently Paul Anderson thinks the T-Virus is a magical Agent Orange. Because how else did the Earth turned into Discount Arrakis despite the fact of viral mutagens don't work that way in the RE games. Which means there'll be no mutated plants or animals (besides the zombie dogs and crows) for Super Duper Mega Ultra Alice to deal with.

Real Talk: As much as it is awesome seeing Alice surviving a pit of zombie dogs then use them to dispatched the Discount Mad Max baddies. I have to bring up that Alice has her super T-Virus powers from RE Apocalypse. Extinction even reminds the audience of that later on. Which begs a few questions of why Alice didn't use powers before she was capture? Or just use her powers to fight off the zombie dogs and then to escape? So from this point on, every time Alice is in a situation where she could've use her powers but doesn't do so. I'm just gonna chalk it up to either the script didn't called for it or Alice is being a lazy bitch.

Miss: *A vehicle convoy roaming aimlessly on the desert road.* Why do I get the feeling that Paul Anderson was watching Mad Max while writing the script for this movie?

Miss: Hi Claire Redfield, have fun being a minor character in your own movie.

Miss: Poor Linden Ashby was dragged into this movie. 

Hit: Also, Linden Ashby

Real Talk: And also, also, at least he wasn't dragged into doing Mortal Kombat Annihilation.

Hit: Albert Wesker.... Yeah I got nothing else, just Albert Wesker.

Miss: I get that Umbrella wants to use Alice's DNA to produce a serum to fight the T-Virus infection. But why make a bunch of Alice clones to be sent through and die in some simulation to do so? Kind of a waste of resources to make Alice clones just to be meat puppets being sent to the meat grinder.

Miss: With her super T-Virus powers, why would Alice still need guns? Blades and a crossbow, sure why not but her powers would make even less noise than guns. Especially in a zombie apocalypse.

Miss: *Alice finds a notebook claiming that Alaska is completely isolated for the infection.* Alice's narration states that the T-Virus spread all over the world, lakes, rivers, continents, etc. Yet I'm suppose to believe that Alaska is somehow "isolated". Not sure if Anderson failed at geography or what but Alaska is a part of the US/North America, as in one of the countries where the T-Virus has spread and infected everything. Alaska isn't some island in the middle of nowhere. 

Hit: LJ: "I'm gonna need a room.... I'll take a water bed, a jacuzzi and I'm gonna rent me a porno." OK that was funny, I'll give this movie that. 

Miss: In RE Apocalypse, LJ was complaining to Carlos for not telling him that he was bitten. Yet here's LJ just been bitten but doesn't tell anyone about it. What a fucking hypocrite. 

Miss: *One of Dr. Isaacs' test zombies was injected with the serum and was temporarily capable of working a phone and a camera.*  Why do I get the feeling that Paul Anderson was watching Day of the Dead while writing the script for this movie? 

Hit: Naked Alice Clone # 1

Real Talk: *Alice's powers starts lifting up her motorcycle and a bunch of big rocks as she's sleeping.* Why do I get the feeling that Rian Johnson was watching this movie while writing the script for The Last Jedi?

Real Talk: *Alice walking through the sandy desert.* Insert your own Dune joke/reference here.

Hit: *The Redshirt Convoy is under attack by murders of zombie crows.* Only three movies in and we finally get some zombie crow action.

Miss: If the convoy had a flamethrower why didn't they use it before the crows attacked.

Miss: *Betty stays behind on the school bus for no reason only to be killed off by the zombie crows.* Oh no, not Redshirt Betty, I hardly knew this character to even give a damn. And yes I'm aware she's played by Ashanti and they made such a big deal about it during the film's production. But being that Betty was just another disposable Redshirt, this was a waste of Ashanti's time.  

Miss: Movie, stop making me feel sorry for LJ after losing his Redshirt girlfriend. He's still infected and he still hasn't told anyone yet.

Real Talk: *Claire giving thanks to Alice.* Claire for the love of god, don't thank her.

Hit: I'm in a total agreement with Claire on Alaska being safe is at best sketchy. 

Miss: Alice talking to Claire: "The transmission says that there's no infection up there, it's isolated. Safe..." Based on what exactly? How is there no infection in Alaska? How is it isolated from everything else that's been infected? Neither Alice or anyone else looking through the notebook never gone into details of how Alaska is "safe". 

Real Talk: Claire talking to Alice after everyone agrees to go to Alaska: "I hope you're right." Remember this line for the next movie.

Miss: I get it movie, LJ's been bitten. But he still hasn't told anyone so I still don't care.

Miss: The planet has been a barren wasteland for five years yet the Redshirt Convoy act like this is all new info to them once they arrived at a barren Las Vegas.  

Miss: There's a metal container blocking the way to the gas pumps but Alice doesn't use her powers to push it out the way. Lazy bitch...

Real Talk: I get it Paul, your wife's fucking hot. Enough with the needless close up shot.

Hit: Claire taking out a few zombies is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live-action you're gonna get from this movie.

Miss: As cool as it is seeing Alice chopping up a bunch of zombies, this would all be over a lot faster if she uses her powers. But I guess the script didn't call for it.

Real Talk: Now I know you must be thinking that if Alice uses her powers all the time than it would be too easy for her and the whole movie would be boring. And you be correct, that would be too easy and boring. So here's this little equation to solve this problem. Main Character with Superpowers + Meaner, Tougher Enemies = Intense Action Scenes. Watch JoJo's Bizarre Adventure for proof.

Real Talk: So Umbrella has a satellite that can not only track Alice but can shut her down at anytime. If Alice is so important to the new serum they couldn't shut her down any sooner why? 

Miss: And because Alice is the true main character (in Anderson's weird little head), some of the other Redshirts are picked off so easily. Because god forbid if any of the remaining zombies go attack Alice while still being shut down at the moment.

Miss: Claire was doing just fine killing these zombies earlier until for no reason starts wasting ammo with body shots trying to save Redshirt Mikey. Oh that's right, Paul Anderson made these characters useless when the plot calls for it.

Miss: Alice can just hack the satellite to reverse the shut down. Because plot....

Miss: Alice talking to Carlos as he's showing signs of infection: "They have the Anti-Virus in there, just hold on." Carlos: "It's too late and you know it." Carlos what the hell are you talking about? In the last movie you were infected for 3 hours yet still got treated for it. The time it took from Vegas to the underground facility had to at been less than 2 hours. And that's assuming this is on the same day. You got plenty of time to at least look around in the facility. Not to mention LJ was infected for a couple of days longer than you. I mean sure there's a possibility that Issacs used all the Anti-Virus but still couldn't hurt to be sure if there is any left. So again, the hell are you talking about Carlos? 

Miss: As much as it was heartbreaking seeing Carlos sacrificing himself for Alice and others to get through the hoards of zombies. I can't helped remembering that Alice has her T-Virus powers which got me thinking that Carlos' sacrifice was utterly needless. Alice could've just toss that tanker near the fence and made it explode. Or maybe crush the fuck out of the zombies with a mere thought. But I guess she was too much of lazy bitch to even try anything remotely helpful with her powers.

Real Talk: And now you're probably defending that Alice's powers aren't strong enough or I'm being nitpicky and maybe so. But that's what happens when a movie gives the main character a superpower only to nerf said character in order to keep the story from being broken. It's just unfortunately the cracks are still noticeable within certain plot-points. And as I said earlier, Main Character with Superpowers + Meaner, Tougher Enemies = Intense Action Scenes. 

Miss: Alice: "My blood?" White Queen: "Your blood has bonded with the T-Virus, Dr. Issacs correctly deduced that it could be used to destroy the biohazard for good." Alice: "You mean my blood is the cure for all of this?" White Queen: "Correct... Your blood is pure and this facility contains all of the equipment you will require to synthesize a cure." Since there's now three more sequels after this one and the T-Virus infection's still a problem. It's safe to say that the whole "Alice's blood being the cure" plot-point was neither utilized nor mentioned ever again. Hell, RE: The Final Chapter replaces it with something so stupid that it implodes the film series' internal constancy. But lets not pull the pin on that grenade just yet.  

Hit: Naked Alice Clone # 2

Hit: Only three movies in and finally we have a Tyrant.

Hit: And credit to the movie for the Tyrant design.

Miss: Tyrant Issacs talking Alice: "You can't kill me." I'm sorry but Issacs is now a Tyrant, there shouldn't be any intelligence left in him. Also, that's Chris Redfield's line.

Real Talk: Alice talking to the Umbrella board: "I'm coming for you and uh I'm gonna be bringing a few of my friends." Remember this line for the next movie. 

Hit: God damn that's a lot of Naked Alice Clones. 

BONUS ROUND

Miss: When I watched this movie the first time it premiered, a lot of thoughts kept going through my mind the whole time. Thoughts such as where's Angela Ashford through the whole movie? Did she died between movies, did she ran out of the Anti-Virus and was killed before she mutated? Why has no one even mentioned her at all? The one character who was pivotal in RE: Apocalypse and what just written out of existence? And since I'm here, where's Jill through the whole movie and why's no one mentioning her?

Miss: This is leads to the film series biggest weakness # 3. Any character who appeared in the previous movie are just dropped out of existence in the next movie. No explanations on what became of them, why they're not around or anything.

Hits & Misses: Resident Evil Apocalypse

Real Talk: Super Duper Mega Ultra Alice: Apocalypse

Miss: Get use to Alice recapping what occurred in the previous movie(s) as if the audience has the memory span of a termite. And this little recap is repeated later in the movie. 

Miss: In Resident Evil 2 the T-Virus was spread via rats getting into a pool of it from broken vials after G-Birkin slaughtered some U.B.C.S. guys. In this movie, a bunch of dumbass Umbrella guys reopens the Hive. Letting out all the T-Virus infected/creatures in the process. Because asking the one survivor what happened in the Hive would just break the whole story/movie.

Miss: This movie has an Ashford character but is not the Alfred Ashford from Resident Evil Code Veronica. So this Dr. Ashford is just in named only and besides I don't think the actor playing him wouldn't look all that hot in a dress anyway.

Real Talk: Now if Ashford was play by Jonny Beauchamp (Angelique from Penny Dreadful) than you got something.

Miss: Plot McGuffin or not, Angela Ashford should be dead after that car crash. Or just too banged up to even move let alone made all the way to back to her school.

Hit: Jill shooting a few zombies at the Raccoon City police station is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live-action you're gonna get from this movie.

Miss: Jill talking to a S.T.A.R.S. member: "They're infected.... I told you, shoot for the head." That's nice to know of Jill seemingly knows what's going on. Too bad she wasn't in the first movie to established what she went through to even know about the zombies. But I guess telling is better showing.

Miss: And here we come to this film series biggest weakness #1. In spite of the game characters are in the movie(s) they're not the main focus, Alice is. As long as the story is focus on Alice, most of the RE characters in the movie(s) are reduced to minor characters and/or disposable Redshirts. 

Miss: I don't care how sophisticated Umbrella is, I find it unlikely they set up a wall surrounding the city in the 13+ hours since the infection started. A lot of people (and infected) would've gotten out beforehand.

Hit: *Woman running up the stairs from the zombies.* Up skirt shot!

Hit: *Carlos repels down from a chopper as he's shooting zombie to save the running woman.* 

Real Talk: There will be hits whenever the RE characters does something bad ass, because this is their movie(s) and they should be the focus. And also because fuck Alice.

Miss: Don't care who thought this was cool, slow motion blurs doesn't make the zombies scary.

Hit: Cops, S.T.A.R.S. and U.B.C.S. being overwhelmed with zombie hoards is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live-action you're gonna get from this movie.

Miss: Dr. Ashford's plan on saving his daughter is to find any survivors to go get her out of the city. Not send in some U.B.C.S. guys to go get her just trust some randos to get her out safely. I understand he's desperate to save his daughter but could he at least gather some U.B.C.S. guys before entrusting some rando survivors who have their own problems to deal with?  

Miss: Oh hey Alice is having a memory flashback of what happened in the previous movie in case anyone else forgot. Or just didn't watched the first movie.

Real Talk: I would ask why Umbrella just inject Alice with the T-Virus but I doubt even the movie knows why.

Miss: Peyton talking to Terri: "What's that you got there?" Terri (who's filming with her handheld camera): "My Emmy...that's if we ever gonna make it out of here." This guy's a member of S.T.A.R.S. and doesn't know what a camera is? The application process at S.T.A.R.S. must be really layback.

Hit: Jill searching around the spooky church is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live-action you're gonna get from this movie.

Miss: *Jill finds a zombie lady tied to a chair only to discover that it's the church reverend's sister who's been feeding her for quite a while.* This is a trope I find really annoying in any zombie movie/show, a character (or their love ones) are infected/becoming a zombie. But keeps it a secret from everyone else to a point of endangering those around them. It doesn't built tension, it doesn't make me sympathize with the character, it just makes them look like a dumbass. Case in point, the zombie lady breaks free then bites the reverend before Jill shoots her.     

Miss: The Lickers in RE2 can track player characters by sound unless the player is stealthy enough to sneak pass them. Unless the PC is moving around or making too much noise, the Lickers can't see them on the fact they have no eyes. So how are the movie Lickers seem to have Discount Predator Vision when again they have no eyes? The 2003 Daredevil movie did a better visualization on how Matt Murdock sees the world through sound (and other senses). 

Hit: Dual-welding Jill Valentine!

Miss: This film series biggest weakness #2, the movie(s) will beat you over the head with Alice being the main focus by having her doing these over-the-top actiony scenes. While the RE characters are either pushed to the side or rendered useless for the sake of the plot.  

Miss: Also it really defeats the purpose of your movie being survival horror when Alice just easily took out three Lickers with zero difficulty whatsoever.

Real Talk: Jill asking Alice: "Who the fuck are you?" Well as Phelous said it best "it's your replacement for main character, Jill".

Hit: *LJ passing by two zombie strippers.* Zombie Boobs!

Miss: Pay no attention to the Nicholai character in this movie, just another in-name-only character.

Miss: *Alice and the Redshirt Gang stopped at cemetery until zombies start rising from the ground.* Now why are these corpses rising out from their graves? This isn't Return of the Living Dead, I don't recall the T-Virus just magically became a rainstorm anywhere in the movie. This is clearly another over-the-top action scene to make Alice look bad ass because from a storytelling perspective it makes no god damn sense. 

Hit: And here's Nemesis, the one character this movie almost didn't fuck up. I'll explain the "almost" part later.

Hit: I'll give the movie credit for Nemesis' theme music.

Hit: *Nemesis POV* That's a nice touch giving Nemesis an ammo counter.

Hit: Nemesis after gunning down what's left of S.T.A.R.S.: "Staaaaars....."

Miss: As nice it is to give Nemesis a minigun but where exactly are the ammo being fed from? I can see the ammo belt feeder but I don't see anything that resembles an ammo pack. So is the ammo belt feeder attached to Nemesis' ass and he just farts out the bullets? And I don't even wanna know how he'll reload the minigun if that's the case.

Miss: Through the power of plot convenience, Alice has a T-Virus Spider Sense before Nemesis just pops out of nowhere. Which begs the question where was this convent ability back at the cemetery? 

Real Talk: Also Nemesis is not exactly a stealthy creature, dude would bust through walls like the Kool-Aid Man and fucks your shit up.

Real Talk: *Alice telling Jill to "run....just go".* I think that's code for "fuck off bitch, this is my action moment."

Miss: Also how does Alice know about Nemesis, as far as I know this is the first time she encountered him. Yes there's the scene from the first movie where she overheard one of the Umbrella guys. But there's a difference between a name drop and actually seeing the creature itself. So as far as she knows it's some other bio-weapon and Alice is just guessing it's Nemesis.

Miss: Inside the middle school, Jill suggest LJ and Terri to split up, I mean yes that would help to cover more ground. But in most horror movies when has splitting up ever been a good idea? 

Hit: Jill confronting one of the Cerberus Dogs is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live-action you're gonna get from this movie.

Hit: Nicholai after he kills a Cerberus Dog: "Stay...." OK that was kinda awesome.

Hit: Jill and Nicholai sharing a scene together before he's killed off is the closest to a Resident Evil live-action you're gonna get from this movie.

Miss: The CGI on the Cerberus Dogs would pretty good in the first movie. But the Cerberus CGI in this movie is really lacking in quality.  

Hit: *A zombie sneaks up on Jill but she quickly dispatches it by snapping its neck.* Yup....bad ass.

Miss: Movie has the nerve to make Jill look like a chump when she lit and tosses a match but goes out before the gases from the stoves reached it. Only to have Alice doing the exact thing but with a lit cigarettes, killing the Cerberus Dogs in the explosion. But not before Alice grabs a fireproof blanket and wraps it around herself and Angela, shielding themselves from the explosion. Anderson, just fuck off and get your hand out of your pants.

Real Talk: And super T-Virus powers or not, that explosion should've knocked Alice on her ass.

Miss: It's revealed that Angela's suffering from an illness so her father created the T-Virus in order to make her stronger. Now I understand Dr. Ashford really wanted to help his daughter but couldn't he went with something less on the zombie apocalypse side? Like cloning or nano-machines or cybernetics? Was creating a viral mutagen that'll be exploited by Umbrella really the smartest way to go? And not only that, Angela is stuck with routinely injecting herself with the anti-virus in order to keep the T-Virus in check. Father of the fucking year this guy is.

Hit: Jill and Carlos sharing a scene together is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live-action you're gonna get from this movie.

Real Talk: LJ talking to Carlos: "Should've told me you got bit, motherfucker. I'm hanging with you and shit." Remember this line for the next movie.

Miss: *Alice running down the side of a really tall building then attacks the U.B.C.S. guys guarding the last chopper out of Raccoon City.* I'm sure this scene's awesome and all but I'm a bit distracted over the fapping noises from Paul Anderson to even care. Also was it going to be too boring for Super Duper Mega Ultra Alice to just stay on the roof and snipe the U.B.C.S. guarding the chopper? 

Miss: These U.B.C.S. guys must the worst selective hearing and response time to get easily snuck up and taken out by Alice.

Miss: Major Cain talking to Alice after he shot Dr. Ashford: "He was a valuable asset to the corporation, I don't even care about these people." Then why the hell did you shoot the one guy who's more valuable to Umbrella, trolling? I feel like Paul Anderson lost all logic and common sense when he got to this part of the script.

Miss: Also good job Alice trying to bluff this guy into not shooting the more important characters. Guess she must've rolled a 1 on persuasion. 

Real Talk: And by the more important characters I'm referring to Jill and Carlos. 

Miss: I'm sure this Alice/Nemesis fight is cool and all but sadly it's hard to take Nemesis as a serious threat when there's a character who can go toe-to-toe against him just like that. RE3 didn't have this problem nor the remake for that matter. 

Miss: And here comes the "almost" portion with Nemesis. As it turns out from Alice's....memory visions....or whatever, it's revealed that Nemesis was Matt from the first movie. Basically they took one of the most popular creatures in the RE franchise and turned him into some poor mutated victim of Umbrella.  

Miss: And even with Matt's infection in the end of the first movie, I'm not buying that he mutated/augmented into Nemesis within a matter of hours between movies. If it was months of testing/experimenting that would been a whole other thing entirely.

Miss: Cain talking to Alice: "Somehow you've bonded with T-Virus on a cellar level." Somehow....as in you didn't know or had no idea that the T-Virus would make her superhuman. Didn't do any sample testing or examinations to see if the virus would affect Alice's DNA differently than any other human. Just inject her with the T-Virus out of shits and giggles because the script says so. I guess Alice was just lucky she became superhuman instead of another T-Virus monster. 

Miss: And just like Nemesis is now a good guy by taking out some of the U.B.C.S. guys. Trust me it's a lot stupider than it sounds.

Hit: Cain talking to the helicopter pilot (only it turns out to be LJ): "Why haven't we taken off?!" LJ before he punches him: "Cause I usually drive a Cadillac." That was funny, I'll give this movie that.  

Miss: So Dr. Ashford is now a zombie, how did he became a zombie, when was he infected? Did Cain shot him with T-Virus bullets? Did Ashford experimented on himself before giving Angela the T-Virus? I mean that would be nice to see in the flashbacks if that's the case.

Hit: The surviving characters escaping Raccoon City via helicopter as the city's being nuked is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live-action you're gonna get from this movie.

Miss: So Angela has a mental link with Alice apparently, because fuck it the script says so.

Hit: Naked Alice

Real Talk: And here's Alice's mind powers that'll get severely broken in the next movie.

Hit: The music in the end credits (The End of Heartache by Killswitch Engage) is a really awesome song. Definitely should go have a listen. 

BONUS ROUND

Real Talk: Apparently this is a director's cut I'm reviewing, although I think the theatrical cut is a little better. Some of the scenes in the director's cut really doesn't flesh the movie at all. Just feels more like pointless padding.

Miss: Nemesis doesn't mutated after taking sufficient damage nor he doesn't use his tentacle attacks.

Miss: Jill never once fought/confronted Nemesis through out the whole movie.

Hit: Nemesis shooting down a helicopter with a rocket launcher is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live-action you're gonna get from this movie.