Hits & Misses Halloween: Siren

Hit: *Nyx and some cop find dead bodies and a ritual circle at a run down church.* Cop: "What are they? Cultists? Satanists?" Nyx: "Amateurs...." I like this guy already....

Real Talk: *Red shirt cop gets stealth killed by young Lily then is dropped to the ground with his mouth ripped out.*Nyx: "Well that's not good..." Thank you Captain Obvious.... 

Miss: Jonah and Eva making out while really sucking at roleplaying.

Miss: Jonah's brother, Mac is Discount Stifler.

Hit: Big Black Ass shot.

Miss: What stripper wears flip-flops?

Real Talk: *Some guy talks to Mac about a special underground club.* Suddenly I'm getting Bordello of Blood flashbacks.

Hit: *Jonah enters a private room with a woman popping out on the other side of a small window.* Beautiful woman jump scare.

Hit: The actress playing Lily has the most beautiful eyes.

Real Talk: Nyx: "I want the fondest memories of your mother, from each of you. All of you... Now you give me that and Jonah will have a night he will never forget." There is foreshadowing in what he says.... 

Real Talk: *Lily starts singing to Jonah and he starts having intense sexual flashbacks of his previous relationships.* It's like he just had a wet dream/acid trip combo.

Real Talk: *Elliot asked the woman bartender for a "leech drink" and she serves it up.* Elliot: "What's it call?" Woman bartender: "Murder..." *Elliot and the others laugh.* Given when the movie reveals what she can do later I don't think she meant it as a joke.   

Miss: I understand Jonah wanting to do the right thing of setting Lily free from her locked room. But this is a horror movie and that would obviously be a bad idea.

Hit: After Lily snatches the keys from one of Nyx's masked men. She and Jonah hide in the restroom where she manages to unlock the bracelet on her ankle and proceeds to do a raptor sneak attack the masked man and feast upon the man. While the same time she ripped the guy's junk off.   

Hit: At least Jonah got the right idea of getting the fuck out of there.

Miss: Jonah didn't even went out the front door, he just appeared out of nowhere at the car. How and where did he got out the club.

Hit: Jonah did the smart idea of grabbing his phone from the glovebox before running away from the bad shit.

Hit: Nice night sky shot of the thunderstorm.

Hit: As much as Mac deserves to get lectured by Jonah, he still has a good point when it comes to Jonah decided to let out a literal man eater.

Hit: *Jonah realizes that Lily is following him by scent and immediately covers himself with mud.* Suddenly I'm getting Predator flashbacks.

Miss: I guess Jonah and Mac are just lucky enough for Lily unable to just look down at her feet to see if they're hiding in the tall grass.

Hit: *Rand's about to get tortured as Nyx watches.* Nyx: "You boys stuck your hand in the fire tonight and it is my right to see you get burned." Rand: "Why?!" Nyx: "Why? Cause you messed with the wrong motherfucker." This scene along demonstrates what a mean motherfucker Nyx is. 

Hit: Movie muffles all sound when Jonah plugs his ears with earbuds to block Lily's singing.

Hit: *Lily finds Jonah hiding behind the cafe counter.* Lily talking to Jonah: "I like you..." Oh Lily, you had me at "I like you". 

Hit: Also really good makeup effect for Lily's creature face.

Miss: Does Lily have teleportation powers, how did she get ahead of Jonah on the other side of the cafe kitchen door before he reached it? 

Real Talk: If I was in Jonah's position I wouldn't stop Lily from having sex with me.

Hit: Even covered in blood, Lily is so beautiful.

Real Talk: *As the two of them having sex, Lily uses her tail to "drydock" him. Suddenly I'm getting Splice flashbacks.

Hit: So it turns out the woman bartender has leeches for hair that she uses to absorb certain memories from people. Then those memories are transfer to other via drinks, hence why Elliot was acting odd earlier he was experiencing memories of someone killing a person. That's an interesting concept. 

Miss: *Mac shows up at the church to save Jonah only to get stabbed and killed by Nyx.* Yeah he was an asshole but at least he was being redeemable. 

Hit: *Lily kills Nyx with her tail.* That's some awesome Mortal Kombat Fatality move there.

Real Talk: Despite the fact of Lily being a creature from god knows where, she not necessarily the antagonist of the film. You even kinda feel sorry for her as she watches Jonah leaving the church with Rand.

Miss: Obvious fake as fuck photoshopped wedding photo ever.

Real Talk: If you listen closely Jonah is humming Lily's song.

Real Talk: *Jonah and Eva make out on their one year anniversary only to be reveal a bit later that it was actually Lily while Eva was sleeping on the couch.* Well at least he didn't get drydocked this time.

Real Talk: *Jonah almost convinces Lily to leave until Eva wakes and reacts to her. Lily's about to kill her until Jonah tells Lily that he'll go with her, sparring Eva in the process. Lily then takes Jonah and two fly off into the stormy night sky as Eva screams his name.* I don't know about anyone else but I considered this as a happy ending.

Real Talk: Fun fact, this movie's a spinoff, feature length adaptation of the V/H/S anthology segment, Amatuer Night. They even got the original actress, Hannah Fierman to reprise her Lily role.

Hits & Misses Halloween: Rupture

Real Talk: Originally I was gonna review Eli but looking back to it there was barely anything to work with. So here's this backup movie instead, enjoy.

Hit: Noomi Rapace in sci-fi horror thriller.

Miss: Big spider scare.... Fuck you movie!

Hit: Renee's son Evan is a bit of comic artist.

Real Talk: I just love Noomi's accent.

Real Talk: Suspicious surveillance cameras in horror movies are never a good sign.

Hit: Hi Michael Chiklis

Miss: Evan's dad is a real asshole.

Hit: *Renee is being abducted by two van drivers.* And there's that sexy scream of hers.

Miss: Normally the abductors would just duct tape the abductee's mouth but duct taping the whole head is kinda unnecessary. 

Hit: Gotta give credit the film's cinematography.

Hit: It's like I'm watching a horror version of 50 Shades of Gray. Which would be a lot better than the actual 50 Shades of Gray.

Hit: Hi Peter Stormare

Hit: *Renee's talking to another abductee in the next room. Until the abductors went into his room and to proceed to do god knows what as he screams "not my eyes" while there's a drilling sound revving in the background.* Well that didn't sound good at all but still scary though.

Hit: There's some pod people vibes from these people while they're testing Renee. Even that quark they do with caressing their faces on Renee's skin just makes them more alien in behavior. 

Miss: Oh god damn, another big ass spider scare!

Miss: Obvious CGI spider is obvious.

Hit: *Renee breaks out of her restraints and makes her way out the room from the vent.* Suddenly we went from sci-fi thriller 50 Shades to sci-fi thriller Die Hard.

Real Talk: *As Renee explores through the ventilation shafts, she sees other captives going through the similar "tests" as she has.* This group has been abducting people, injecting them with a solution and are putting through fear induced torture to trigger some type of change in them. Think of it as Resident Evil meets Hostel. 

Hit: Nice, intense music as Renee sneaks around this facility.

Hit: Renee sees one of them removing his contacts, revealing that his eyes are not normal.

Hit: *Dianne morphs her face to show Renee what she'll become if her genes are rupture.* Gross but cool effect.

Hit: You gotta love Peter Stormare's performance.

Real Talk: *Renee has a transparent helmet strapped to her head, which then is filled with spiders as she starts panicking.* Suddenly I'm getting the "AHHH NOT THE BEES" flashbacks.

Hit: *Renee starts bashing her head on anything to break open the helmet.* Gotta give credit to Noomi's performance in this scene.

Hit: Also more sexy Noomi screams.

Hit: *Renee continues into breaking the transparent helmet until she stops and begins to change. Indicating that she's finally rupture.* Honestly I'm glad this happened, I was curious to see if she would actually change. Would've been a bit disappointed if she didn't or died at the end.

Hit: Even as a newly evolved, emotionless genetic being, Noomi's still very beautiful.

Hits & Misses Halloween: Sweetheart

Hit: Movie later shows that there's something a lot worse than being stuck on an small island.

Miss: Jenn don't pull the sharp object out of Brad, now he's gonna bleed to death. Which he does shortly after she comes back with coconut milk.

Real Talk: *Jenn stumble across some very old belongings in the jungle.* Oh hey, a Game Boy!

Hit: *Jenn gets situated with fish for food, fresh water from the rainstorm and a makeshift tent.* Just because this is a horror movie doesn't mean the character has to be a dumbass.

Hit: *Jenn finds Brad's body dug up out eaten.* And the shit begins hitting the fan for Jenn.

Hit: *Another night on the island, Jenn spots an airplane flying overhead and quickly fires a flare gun. But as the plane continues flying away, the flare falls straight to the ocean until Jenn sees a silhouette of a large figure in the water as subtle music chings in.* This particular scene demonstrations that not every quiet scene in a horror movie needs to end with your face jump scares. And that it's OK to be subtle while building tension.

Hit: Movie has a Predator vibe with Jenn hiding from the creature while the movie keeps the creature hidden for now.

Real Talk: *Jenn builds a makeshift raft but doesn't work out so well.* At least she try to leave the island; better than just sitting on her ass.

Miss: So this sea creature can't even so much as tear through a hollow log where Jenn is hiding in.

Hit: So far the character Jenn is shown to be capable and adaptive to her current situation. Instead being another one dimensional Mary Sue with plot convenience powers, Jenn is an ordinary character dropped into an extraordinary situation and she has to rely on survival instincts to get out of it.  

Hit: Also despite the lack of dialogue so far the movie still provides important information through Jenn's action on the island.

Real Talk: *Jenn leaves a bait hung on a tree only to look away for a few seconds and the bait is gone.* Apparently the sea creature is freaking Batman.

Hit: *The next night Jenn is camping in the trees with a makeshift hammock until she spots the sea creature from a distance stalking quietly.* Another excellent example of subtle scares/tension without the predictively annoying jump scares.  

Hit: *After the sea creature tears down the hammock, Jenn makes a run to the beach with sea creature giving chase. The sea creature then jumps into the water able to catch with Jenn.* Better than just running after the main character until they do something dumb for the plot.

Real Talk: As interesting the creature is why does it only come to the island at night?

Miss: Why's Jenn giving them old ass sodas to Lucas and Mia? I mean yeah they been adrift for days and are really thirsty but them Coca-Colas have been on the island probably since the 90s. They gotta be flat as shit by now. 

Real Talk: Jenn talk to Lucas while showing him the makeshift spear: "I got it last night, that's black blood." Well as the saying goes, "if it bleeds, we can kill it". 

Miss: Jenn: "I'd rather die on the raft than this place." Mia: "You don't know what it's like out there." Well it can't be any worse than what's been coming to the island, unless you know something you're out telling. If I was in Jenn's position I'd take my chances with the raft.

Miss: Jenn's using Lucas' pocket knife which has dried up blood on it. Jenn never brings it up to him, it's never shown again and the movie doesn't follow up on it. I could guess that something bad happened on the raft but again the movie doesn't follow up on this plot point. And it's not like Lucas and Mia are gonna say anything to connect the narrative dots. Point being that it served no narrative purpose and was just a waste of a plot thread.

Real Talk: *Jenn stocks up and takes the raft until she's stopped by Lucas and Mia.* Now trying to leave those two behind was a bit douchey but in Jenn's defense she's gone through a lot of shit to stay any longer. It's not like the movie is treating Lucas and Mia like a couple of sketics they're just being idiots. 

Miss: Well Lucas is such a sweet guy. Jenn tries to warm him about the creature and all he does is talked her down like some scumbag pimp.

Real Talk: *Mia is near the water until she's attacked by the sea creature attacks. Lucas tries to fight it off but gets knocked away, after which the sea creature takes the wounded Mia out to the ocean.* I bet these two feel a lot safe now after that. And no I don't feel bad for Mia, she was given ample warning about the creature and choose to ignored them. So fuck that bitch....  

Miss: *Jenn and Lucas head out on the raft until the creature starts attacking the raft.* So it does come out during the day. And it hasn't done so this whole time because???

Hit: The creature design is incredible, even in CGI it's impressive.

Hit: Now the more I think about it I wouldn't be surprised if the creature designer was inspired by the Zoanoids from the Guyver anime/manga.

Hit: *Jenn sets off a field of fire and does a stab and run tactic.* Suddenly I'm getting Predators flashbacks.

Hit: Another believability from Jenn is that she's not built like Wile E Coyote just to take a shit ton of punishment because the script says so. Unlike some other character whom just magically shrugs off a lethal death punch to chest with zero explanation of fucking how.

Hits & Misses Halloween: Bite

Hit: This is most impressive body horror film I've seen thus far. It's just right up there with The Fly (1986)

Real Talk: *Camera POV of Casey and her friends having their bachelorette vocation.* This is not some generic found-footage-movie, trust me and this will have a point later. 

Miss: A fake out scare, never a good start in a horror movie.

Miss: A jump scare by title card....

Hit: Casey's uncertainty of having a baby plays a nice parallel into what happens to her later in the movie.

Miss: For lack of a better phrase, Casey's fiance's mother is a real asshole and you'll hate her a lot.

Hit: Although the movie's a slow burn but it does some good subtle hints that something's a bit off with Casey.

Real Talk: *Casey and Jared are having sex until he unnoticeably grabs hold of Casey's rather nasty bug bite on her hip.* Well that's one way to ruined a sex scene.

Hit: Credit to the prosthetic effects on the Casey's bug bite.

Hit: Credit to the makeup department for having Casey looking sick as a dog. 

Miss: Stop messing with the bug bite, woman!

Miss: Good on Casey to call a clinic but why not just go to a hospital already?

Hit: *In a nightmare scene, Casey gets a surprise baby shower until she starts leaking out insect eggs and everyone starts stepping on them.* Impressive scene, gross but impressive.

Hit: Also nice practical effect with the insect eggs.

Miss: Even after noticing all the weird insect eggs in her apartment, Casey still doesn't go to the hospital.

Real Talk: Jared's mother: "I know that is not my son's child in you." Well you're not wrong.

Hit: Casey starts this little head twitch as she continues to change. Rather nice touch to give her some quark to her metamorphosis.  

Hit: *Casey spews acidic vomit on Jared's mother's face which kills her.* Suddenly I'm getting The Fly (1986) flashbacks. And also Jared's asshole mother is dead and I couldn't be more happier.

Hit: The actress playing Casey is a real trooper with all the weird goo she spews and being covered with.

Real Talk: Casey's friend Jill is such a bitch, you'll see why later.

Hit: Casey's apartment now looks like the Xenomorph hive from Aliens.

Hit: *Casey starts peeling off one of her fingernails.* Suddenly I'm getting The Fly (1986) flashbacks, again. 

Real Talk: Casey's friend Kristen is clearly wearing those paper thin yoga pants because you can see her ass as clear as day.

Hit: And since I brought it up, Kristen ass shot.

Miss: *Casey holding Kristen's body after she unintentionally kills her.* What a minute, Kristen was totally blinking in this shot! How did the editors missed that?!

Miss: Jared is pissing blood because why? Also it's never brought up again.

Miss: *Jared and Jill are having sex in her car.* Dude, you just pissed blood not too long ago. For all you know you might have AIDS and you're now infecting the poor bitch.

Hit: *Casey screams to a point both Jared and Jill started puking in the middle of sex.* Casey uses Screech, it was super effective.

Hit: Once again credit to the makeup department with Casey's full transformation.

Miss: So looking like what she is now, apparently Casey went outside and retrieved Jill's laptop without being noticed by anyone.

Real Talk: So during the bachelorette vocation it turns out Jill had a guy to take sexual advantage on the drunken Casey. Just to get Casey "cheating" on camera so Jill can have Jared all to herself once she showed the video. Like I said, Jill is such a bitch.

Hit: Casey kills Jill....

Hit: *Casey stabs Jared with her stinger.* Suddenly I'm getting Splice flashbacks.

Hit: *Jared curve stomps the fuck out of Casey's head.* Nice and the practical gore effect was really awesome. 

Real Talk: A week later it turns out Jared was implanted with Casey's eggs as they hatch out from his still alive bady.

Miss: Another jump scare from the title card.

Hits & Misses Halloween: Legion of the Dead

Miss: This one dig site of an underground tomb has no security nor barricades that would've prevented one of the dirt bikers from falling into it. And even if there were any on site security then they really sucked at their jobs.

Miss: The second dirt biker doesn't have a flashlight on him nor isn't there any other lightsource from topside. So where's this light shining on the first dirt biker coming from?

Miss: In any well lit scene throughout the movie there's some weird glare effects that gets really distracting.

Miss: *A large rock falls on one of the dirt bikers, crushing his head.* The visual effects after the guy's head being crushed looks really cheap.

Miss: The opening title credits looks like it was made from someone using a step-by-step After Effects tutorial. It's looks that basic and cheap.

Miss: Poor Zach Galligan was dragged into this movie.

Hit: Also Zach Galligan

Miss: Poor Bruce Boxleitner was dragged into this movie.

Hit: Also Bruce Boxleitner

Miss: If this Egyptian tomb has booby traps then why not have safety measures to make sure it's actually safe? Is having a college professor and his students messing with stuff that can kill them is really a smart idea? Professor Ben-David is just begging to get sued from the pissed off parents. 

Miss: This is totally a lightning storm and not a stock cloud photo with obvious lightning effects slapped in on it. 

Miss: *Carter calling for a Professor Edwards.* I had to look up the cast list and found no such character by that name. So who the hell is this Professor Edwards? Was this a line mistake from the Carter character? Did the writers edit the script and didn't tell anyone? Who the hell knows....

Real Talk: So there's this tension between Molly, Carter and Molly's college professor. Molly and Bryan had a one night stand and Carter's pissed about it because he had feeling for her. But I honestly couldn't care and it just feels like those bland CW drama shows. 

Hit: Naked Egyptian Priestess

Hit: *Aneh-Tet drains the life force out of this one security guard.* The practical effect in this scene is really good to be honest.

Miss: But that lazy lightning effect when she drains him was unnecessary. 

Miss: Aneh-Tet was fully naked when she climbed out of the tomb in one scene, has some cloth wrapped on her bottom half in the next scene.

Hit: Once again really good practical effects with Bryan's death scene by Aneh-Tet.

Miss: But that moment when Aneh-Tet has some type of lightning breath weapon was really goofy effects-wise. 

LOL: Ben-David: "Where's my mummy?!"

Real Talk: You mean to tell me that while still naked, Aneh-Tet walked from the dig site to the motel (where Molly's staying) without being stopped or spotted by no one? OK.....

Miss: *Molly gives a towel to Aneh-Tet as she gets out of the motel pool.* I don't see the point of the towel giving a closer look of Aneh-Tet looking pretty dry despite she was just in a pool. Continuity, how does that work?

Real Talk: Kevyn talking to Aneh-Tet: "I'm Kevyn... Yeah, I know, I've already heard all the jokes." Well I haven't, care to share some?

Real Talk: *Aneh-Tet tries to touch Molly's sister, Kevyn by the vagina.* Apparently the movie invented the "grab them by the pussy" term before Trump did.

Miss: Them wall paintings don't exactly have the detailed likeness of Aneh-Tet. So how did Ben-David just recognize her on the spot when she arrived at the dig site? For all he know she could be his illegitimate love child.

Miss: And just like that Ben-David offers his students to Aneh-Tet in exchange to spare him. And of course he serves her now.

Real Talk: *Red Shirt Axel follows Aneh-Tet into the woods until she seduces and drains his soul.* Granted the guy's drunk off his ass but following some random hot woman in a horror movie is usually a bad idea.

Hit: Also Naked Egyptian Priestess, again.

Hit: *Aneh-Tet attempts to drain another student until he stabs her with a knife.* That's the smartest thing one of these red shirt students have done all movie.

Miss: The red shirt student only stabbed Aneh-Tet once in the stomach before he ran off. But for some reason her clothes are magically speckled with blood. Where did all that blood come from, Aneh-Tet wasn't bleeding that badly from this ONE stab wound. And the red shirt student wasn't bleeding at all after she attacked him. Magical blood speckles out of fucking nowhere!  

Miss: *Aneh-Tet finally drains the red shirt student's soul.* You know what's more annoying and needless than shaky cams? Shaky scenes through After Effects.

Miss/Sarcastic: *Sheriff Jones finding a bloody knife.* Oh yeah that's definitely a knife and not an obvious fake knife prop you've seen from Halloween stores.

Miss: *Carter translates an apology letter from Molly which reads. "CRTER I SORRY I HURT YOU GIVE ME PLEASE ANOTHER CHANCE LOVE MOLLY"* How the hell did Molly ever became an linguistics specialist with embarrassing grammar errors like this? 

Miss: How stupid do you have to be to misspell your own name from a different language and not be bothered to fix it? It's one thing to misspell your name by accident but this is just pitiful.

Miss: Also you can tell that Carter was just pretending to translate the letter in this scene. Meaning that someone on the film crew made this half assed translation and no one bothered to correct it whatsoever.

Miss: *Aneh-Tet attacks Carter but he managed to get away.* More cheapo lightning effects.

Real Talk: This movie has decent practical effects it's just a shame that they coincide with cheapo special effects.

Miss: *Red Shirt Justin running from Aneh-Tet until coming across dead Red Shirt Kara.* That red shirt Kara corpse clearly moved in the close up shot.

Miss/Sarcastic: Oh yeah, Ben-David clearly has a shaved head now and not wearing an obvious bald cap.

Miss: More shaky scene After Effects.

Hit: *One of Aneh-Tet's mummy warriors rips out of the red shirt student's spine.* Well that was kinda hilarious.

Real Talk: But seriously is there any point to feel sorry for these blandly developed red shirt students at all?

Miss: As cool as that was, I'm not buying one bit that Carter threw a pole at a mummy so hard that it gets pinned to a wall. Maybe if it was one of the mummies who did that, sure.

Miss: What made it necessary for this movie to have Aneh-Tet wearing an obviously fake as fuck Egyptian wig? 

Miss: I'm not convinced those are real dynamite Molly's using.

Miss: Hey Aneh-Tet, care to just zip Molly and Carter with your cheapo lightning effects while they're fighting your warriors? No, just gonna stay around because the script said so? OK....

Miss: Aneh-Tet has Molly by the throat but instead of instantly killing her she just randomly stalling. Unintentionally giving Molly plenty of time to stop her and the ritual. For a powerful priestess, Aneh-Tet sure has the logic and the attention span of a Bond villain.

Miss: I would love to add that the film's title is a load of bullshit. For a movie called "Legion of the Dead" there's only one Egyptian priestess and six mummies. Quite underwhelming, I say....