Miss: Uwe Boll continues to tell not show with this lengthy ass text narration.
Miss: Well Sister Clara is a terrible person, letting some obsessed doctor doing god knows what to the orphans. Good job, lady.
Miss: *Young Edward Carnby is hiding at a small power station.* Oh yes kid, go hide at the first dangerous place you can think of. What could possibly go wrong, besides getting electrocuted for being a dumbass?
Miss: Poor Christian Slater was dragged into this garbage.
Hit: Also Christian Slater.
Miss: We're already shown/told what may have happened to Edward in the flashback and text narration but the movie felt the need to have Edward narrating certain information that was already established.
Miss: Instead telling the cab driver to get out of the Cab, Edward tells the cab driver to stay down as he quickly leaves before another Cab comes crashing into them. Granted the cab driver's fine but that was still an asshole move from Edward.
Miss: Was it really necessary for the zoom into the gun barrel shot? What purpose did that serve?
Miss: Poor Tara Reid was dragged into this garbage.
Hit: Also Tara Reid.
Miss: *A museum security guard explaining what the Abkani are to a delivery guy.* Once again the movie provides information that was already established. Yes this particular info is meant for the delivery guy but it still comes off as the movie unnecessarily repeating itself. Maybe if the text narration was removed this wouldn't be a problem with the exposition/conveyance.
Miss: Edward didn't set up any device to scan this one artifact he found. So how did his computer got a complete scan of said artifact? Magical scanning powers out of nowhere!
Miss: After the salvage crew opens a box made of gold, movie cuts to some random people just dropping what they're doing and walking to god knows where. Now the movie does revealed that these people were the same orphans Hudgens experimented on years ago. As to why these people just up walk away all of a sudden, fuck if I know. Where are these people walking to, fuck if I know. Will the movie provide any answers or explanations, fuck if I know.
Miss: Poor Stephen Dorff was dragged into this garbage.
Hit: Also Stephen Dorff.
Miss: Fischer talking to Edward: "I did a full cross reference, too. Nothing much in common, except they all grew up in the same orphanage. Your orphanage...." If they grew up in the same orphanage as Edward then they DO have something in common. A screw up in the dialogue or a piss poor job from the screenwriters, take your pick.
Miss/Sarcastic: Ooooooo flickering lights, how scary.
Hit: Gonna be fair here the creature designs are pretty good.
Miss: Hold on, two main characters running away from a creature in a museum. Movie tries to rip off The Relic.
Miss: Bureau 713 is basically Discount B.P.R.D.
Miss: Pay no attention to Hudgens taking blood from this movie's creatures then injecting it into himself. Movie will never mention it again and doesn't have any importance with the plot. Storytelling, plot-threads, conveyance, what are those?
Miss/Sarcastic: So 713 called these creatures Zenoes.... Oh Uwe Boll, you're so clever. Calling them Zenoes with a Z instead an X so no one won't immediately think you're ripping off the Xenomorphs. Ingenious!
Miss: So these "Zenoes" can be killed by special bullets that gives off the same effect as sunlight; which kills the creatures. Wait a minute.... Creatures who dwell in the dark can be killed by sunlight bullets.... Movie rips off Underworld....how fucking embarrassing.
Miss: Uh oh, the flickering lights are back. Better be scared.
Miss: Oh yeah, awesome! A shooty action scene in the dark, I'm sure those gun muzzle flashes won't cause any epileptic seizures.
Hit: *One of the 713 agents gets his spine snapped in two by one of the Zenoes.* OK that was an awesome gore effect.
Miss: These parasite controlled people go full rage zombie mode on the 713 agents. But then out of nowhere one of the parasite zombies attacks a 713 agent like he's freaking Bruce Lee. Unless this is a Blade movie this particular scene is wholly out of place.
Miss: I wasn't too sure when seeing the blood next to the dead museum security guy. But now I'm certain they used CGI blood for the dead parasite zombies. That's just cheap....
Miss: Edward: "I don't think we're supposed to be here." Then why did you convinced Burke and Aline to go with you into the mine shaft of death? Also, no shit....
Miss: Edward, Burke and red shirt agent #2 had plenty of time to shoot some snake-like Zeno before it bites red shirt agent #1. But instead they just stand around doing nothing as the snake-like Zeno bites red shirt agent #1, eventually killing her. Excellent work, guys.
Real Talk: Is that 713 agent played by the lead actress from House of the Dead?
Real Talk: Come to think of it red shirt agent #2 is played by Daniel Cudmore.
Miss: God damn it, they dragged Colossus into this garbage.
Hit: *Agent Miles finds Agent Feenstra dead with her head split open.* Once again that's an awesome gore effect.
Miss: So while Edward and the others were in the mine shaft of death there was an apparent city-wide evacuation taking took place in one night. An entire city evacuated in one night, yeah I call bullshit. And it's not like the movie shown any crisis that possibly triggered a city-wide evacuation. I could assume that the Zenoes over run the city but again the shows nothing.
Miss: Movie rips off the Sam Rami Evil Dead camera shot.
BONUS ROUND
Miss: Hudgens experimented on the orphans to "merge man with creature". As for the why it's never explained outside of Hudgens saying words such as "thousands of lives can be saved" or "it's about the future of our species". But given how his parasite controlled orphans have been killing people and he himself practically cause an apocalypse I call his actions both contradicting and bullshit. Which leaves me to believe that the writers didn't bother giving Hudgens proper motivations but rather just some crazy villain doing crazy shit because the script said so.
Miss: Movie makes these parasite controlled orphans somewhat important to the story only to be reduced to zombified canon fodder. No pay off, no plot relevance, just a bunch of randos implanted with a parasite for the lead characters to fight. And considering that these people were innocent orphans experimented on there was next to zero repercussions when the lead characters killed them off. Essentially it's pointless to even sympathize with these parasite controlled orphans when the story doesn't bother to care about them, narratively.
Miss: How exactly is Hudgens controlling the parasite controlled orphans or the Zenoes for that matter? Is it because of the Zeno blood he injects himself with, if so how? Does the Zeno blood protects him from being harm by the creatures? At no point he doesn't seem to be mutating or altered into something else. So instead the story provides no significance to whole Zeno blood injections plot-point or the whole Hudgens controlling the Zenoes plot-point. Now I don't know how Boll's mind works when it comes to storytelling (and I honestly don't wanna know). But when establishing a plot-point you don't just skip it without providing any explanations or just simply ignore it all together.
Miss: The text narration explains that Hudgens built a hidden laboratory when the government shut down his research. This led me to believe that Hudgens was clearly doing illegal activities outside of Bureau 713. Yet when Edward and the others discovered his hidden lab they immediately come to the conclusion that 713 was behind the experiments. If that's the case then why would Hudgens be killing the agents? And you would think that some of the 713 agents be working with Hudgens in secret but that's not even the case. Well except for that one rando agent who was under parasitic control. But besides that it was all Hudgens who's been doing the experiments. I feel that the text narration the film's story were clashing each other the more you think about it. It's as if there were two different stories for the movie and no one couldn't decide which to go with. So instead they went half and half and see what works.
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