Hits & Misses: Morgan

Miss: This isn't a miss on the movie perse, this is a miss on the movie's trailer for being a complete lie. What the trailer implied is that Morgan develops some type of psychic powers over time, becoming uncontrollable. But upon watching the movie it turns out she just goes kill crazy, absolutely no psychic powers were displayed through the whole movie.

Hit: *Kathy gets stabbed in the eye by Morgan.* This movie wastes no time at all.

Hit: Kate Mara's kinda cute with short hair.

Miss: Hey isn't that Skip character played by that guy from The Predator (2018)? That movie is still disappointing.

Real Talk: Kathy talking to Lee: "You're a liar. There's a smile on your face but I can tell what you are. You're a goddamned assassin." I'm sure it's just the meds talking, this isn't foreshadowing at all.

Hit: Oh hey, Arnim Zola!

Miss: From what Ziegler's describing, it sounds like Morgan's a Discount Blade Runner Replicant. And that's a bit on the nose considering that Ridley Scott was one of the producers of this movie.

Miss: Everyone keeps saying "Lee Weathers from corporate" when the movie established that she's from SynSect. Is it really that hard to say "Lee Weathers from SynSect"?

Real Talk: The actress playing Amy looks a lot like Selma Blair, it's kinda weird.

Hit: Lee: "So did Darren and Brenda, did they pair up early?" Skip: "Pretty early, I guess. After he got tired of chasing after Amy." Not sure if that was an intended Chasing Amy reference but I'm counting it.

Miss: *Dr. Shapiro wants to talk to Morgan on the other side of the glass, completely disregarding the safety precautions. due to recent events* Well I don't see nothing that'll go horribly wrong here. I mean yeah the guy's just doing his job but still.  

Real Talk: At the start of the movie the psychologist is named Dr. Ben Shapiro yet when I'm looking on Wikipedia and IMDB his name is Dr. Alan Shapiro. Not really a miss just find it rather confusing.

Miss: So is the movie trying to established that Morgan can read minds I guess? I'm really not getting that impression from the plot and the scientists who created her aren't even acknowledging this aside from "she's special". 

Miss/Sarcastic: *Dr. Shapiro pressures Morgan with hypothetical questions until she gets agitated and viciously attacks him.* This movie isn't ripping off the Voigt-Kampff scene at the beginning of Blade Runner, nope that's just silly.

Miss: *The power to the lab miraculously shuts off while Morgan closes her eyes as that happens.* Again I'm not getting the impression of these ambiguous abilities that Morgan may or may not have. And once again the scientists are being oblivious about it. Am I supposed to assume that artificially created humans developed superpowers happens all the time with these people? Because that would be nice for the movie to establish in the story. 

Miss: None of scientists don't want to terminated Morgan but instead they packed up everything and tried leave with Morgan. I understand that these guys care for Morgan but judging from the trailer I doubt she'll return the same kindness.

Miss: Case in point... *Morgan attacks Darren and then kills him with an injection.*

Miss: And of course one of the scientists hesitates to shoot Morgan. Common sense, survival instincts, what are those?

Hit: Gotta give credit to Brenda trying to actually stop Morgan instead of hesitating like an idiot.

Miss: The movie reveals that Morgan can't move beyond her weaponized design parameters despite the scientists trying to promote emotional intelligence, which explains why she's going kill crazy. So what's with the movie and the trailer giving confusingly vague implications of Morgan having superpowers? Whoever was in charge of scriptwriting or post-production must've got really confused on what story to go with. 

Miss: Dead Arnim Zola, no idea why killed himself but here he is just hung himself.

Miss/Sarcastic: *Morgan and Dr. Cheng have a talk before Morgan kills her creator.* This movie isn't ripping off the scene of Roy Batty talking to Tyrell before he kills his creator, nope that's just silly.

Miss: Hell both scenes features the creations giving their creators a kiss before killing them. 

Miss: Might as well go all the way with Lee becoming a Blade Runner out to "retire" Morgan.

Real Talk: I don't mean to be making comparisons to Blade Runner but that's the vibe I keep getting from this movie. I wouldn't be surprised if they took some concepts from Blade Runner.

Hit: Lee vs Morgan

Hit: Kinda getting a Noomi Rapace vibe from Lee in this fight scene.

Miss: What was the point of Lee killing Skip and Amy? SynSect probably ordered her to kill the people of the L-9 project but still.

Hit: Not gonna lie the reveal of Lee being an L-4 was a nice, subtle touch.

Hits & Misses: BloodRayne

Miss: The first BloodRayne game was essentially about a sexy, bad ass Dhampir killing Nazis. This movie on the other hand takes place in 18th century Romania. Now the third movie does feature a Dhampir killing Nazis but I sincerely doubt it's faithful to the first game. And fuck no I'm not watching the sequels or that retarded spoof Boll made.

Hit: Movie uses the same title font design from the games.

Hit: For what it's worth, the set designs are OK.

Miss: "Based on the Majesco Video Game entitled BloodRayne" I think this sentence needs to be edited to "(Loosely) Based on the Majesco Video Game entitled BloodRayne". It's a lot more accurate.

Miss: Poor Michael Madsen was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Michael Madsen.

Miss: Poor Michelle Rodriguez was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Michelle Rodriguez.

Miss: Poor Kristanna Loken was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Kristanna Loken.

Miss: Vampires are common knowledge in this film's world from what I can tell. Yet people at a traveling circus are amazed at a woman who's harmed by water and feeds on blood to heal herself.

Miss: Poor Ben Kingsley was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Ben Kingsley.

Miss: Instead of showing Rayne going on a bloodlust and killed some of the carnies in sight. Movie decides that it's better to show it as a flashback while it cuts to Rayne confused and screaming quite annoyingly. As if she probably forgot the whole thing because the script says so.

Miss: Also great idea for this one carny attempting to rape a Dhampir, don't see nothing going horribly wrong here.

Miss: Poor Billy Zane was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Billy Zane

Miss: *Elrich requesting a message to be sent to his daughter, Katarin.* Most movies I've seen Billy Zane in he's usually quite entertainly hammy but in this scene it's like his very soul was drained out of him. And just comes off as him getting his scenes over with so he can leave the movie immediately.

Hit: Rayne's first outfit is pretty spot on from the games.

Miss: *Rayne on horseback.* Wearing a completely different outfit in a scene before arriving at a town, wearing her first outfit in a scene after she arrives in the town. Continuity, what's that?

Miss: This talisman Rayne finds that gives her immunity over holy water (at least I'm assuming it's holy water, the movie doesn't establish it). So why would this one room have a secondary trap that any vampire would be easily unaffected by if they obtain this talisman? And it's not like the room was being fully flooded with holy water, only about a few inches tops. Rayne could've easily ran out of the room.

Miss: Poor Udo Kier was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Udo Kier.

Miss: So it's just plain ordinary water that kills vampires instead of holy water. I understand that running water is a weakness to vampires but how is plain, unblessed water is able to harm them?

Miss: So this ancient vampire developed an immunity over sunlight, water and crosses and yet he was still killed without the movie explaining how. Unless we're supposed to assume that he didn't developed an immunity to stakes to the heart or just shitty writing.

Miss: Now this fight scene at the monastery seems cool but these close up shots and quick cuts are making it difficult to enjoy it. And I can't help that the fight choreography is a bit stiff at times. 

Hit: But I gotta give credit for the gore effects though.

Hit: Vampire Boobs, everywhere!

Miss: Poor Meat Loaf Aday was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Meat Loaf Aday.

Hit: Also, also gotta give credit to Meat Loaf's hammy performance in a sea of deadpan acting.

Miss: Rayne tells Vladimir, Sebastian and Katarin that Kagan raped and murdered her mother in front of her. Yet in the flashback there was a murder but no rape at all. I'd guess that the raped happened before Rayne was born but the shit writing doesn't seem to convey it that way.

Miss: Also that was rather unnecessary to have a flashback if Rayne was gonna tell what happened.

Miss: Even in a training montage the fight choreography looks stiff.

Hit: *Rayne and Sebastian having sex.* A better vampire sex scene than Twilight Breaking Dawn.

Hit: Also Rayne Boobs.

Miss: However, I'm not convince that Rayne is completely pantsless in certain angles where her bottom half is obscured.

Hit: Rayne's wearing a variation of her outfit that's pretty spot on from games. 

Hit: Also Rayne cleavage. 

Hit: Say what you want about Michelle Rodriguez but at least her acting's pretty good with that accent. Even though it's a real shame that her time and talent are wasted in this garbage film.

Miss: Although I'm a bit distracted that she's wearing blue contacts. I mean they could've just get an actress with blue eyes for the Katarin character?

Hit: *Domastir throws a dismembered head on Elrich's desk, then a letter from Katarin.* Elrich: "Would you stop throwing things at me."

Miss: So holy water is a thing in this world then how does plain water hurts vampires again?

Miss: Oh yeah, so much for "I don't thirst for human blood". I mean yeah Katarin betrayed Brimstone and had it coming but Rayne still fed blood from a human.  This is what happens when you a vampire who doesn't feed on human blood, inconsistency rears its ugly head before you know it.

Miss: Also what happened to those four other guys who were with Katarin? Are they still at the underwater entrance waiting for Katarin to come back? Did they assume that she drowned and piss off elsewhere? Did the movie deem them irrelevant and banished them into the void?

Miss: So Rayne's not gonna tell Vladimir and Sebastian that Katarin betrayed Brimstone and she killed her? OK then.

Miss: Also "she died with honor, fighting for our people" my ass.

Miss: More fight scenes with close up shots and quick cuts with a dash of unnecessary fast motion blurs this time.

Miss: Hey Vladimir you just got stabbed in the chest, maybe show a reaction to that? Like screaming in agony or something. No, you just gonna keep that deadpan reaction then? OK, fine.

Real Talk: So Kagan's dead and Rayne has all three talismans, will this be followed up in the two sequels? Don't know, don't care.

Hits & Misses: Alone in the Dark

Miss: Uwe Boll continues to tell not show with this lengthy ass text narration.

Miss: Well Sister Clara is a terrible person, letting some obsessed doctor doing god knows what to the orphans. Good job, lady.

Miss: *Young Edward Carnby is hiding at a small power station.* Oh yes kid, go hide at the first dangerous place you can think of. What could possibly go wrong, besides getting electrocuted for being a dumbass?  

Miss: Poor Christian Slater was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Christian Slater.

Miss: We're already shown/told what may have happened to Edward in the flashback and text narration but the movie felt the need to have Edward narrating certain information that was already established.

Miss: Instead telling the cab driver to get out of the Cab, Edward tells the cab driver to stay down as he quickly leaves before another Cab comes crashing into them. Granted the cab driver's fine but that was still an asshole move from Edward.

Miss: Was it really necessary for the zoom into the gun barrel shot? What purpose did that serve? 

Miss: Poor Tara Reid was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Tara Reid.

Miss: *A museum security guard explaining what the Abkani are to a delivery guy.* Once again the movie provides information that was already established. Yes this particular info is meant for the delivery guy but it still comes off as the movie unnecessarily repeating itself. Maybe if the text narration was removed this wouldn't be a problem with the exposition/conveyance. 

Miss: Edward didn't set up any device to scan this one artifact he found. So how did his computer got a complete scan of said artifact? Magical scanning powers out of nowhere! 

Miss: After the salvage crew opens a box made of gold, movie cuts to some random people just dropping what they're doing and walking to god knows where. Now the movie does revealed that these people were the same orphans Hudgens experimented on years ago. As to why these people just up walk away all of a sudden, fuck if I know. Where are these people walking to, fuck if I know. Will the movie provide any answers or explanations, fuck if I know.

Miss: Poor Stephen Dorff was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Stephen Dorff.

Miss: Fischer talking to Edward: "I did a full cross reference, too. Nothing much in common, except they all grew up in the same orphanage. Your orphanage...." If they grew up in the same orphanage as Edward then they DO have something in common. A screw up in the dialogue or a piss poor job from the screenwriters, take your pick. 

Miss/Sarcastic: Ooooooo flickering lights, how scary. 

Hit: Gonna be fair here the creature designs are pretty good.

Miss: Hold on, two main characters running away from a creature in a museum. Movie tries to rip off The Relic.

Miss: Bureau 713 is basically Discount B.P.R.D.

Miss: Pay no attention to Hudgens taking blood from this movie's creatures then injecting it into himself. Movie will never mention it again and doesn't have any importance with the plot. Storytelling, plot-threads, conveyance, what are those? 

Miss/Sarcastic: So 713 called these creatures Zenoes.... Oh Uwe Boll, you're so clever. Calling them Zenoes with a Z instead an X so no one won't immediately think you're ripping off the Xenomorphs. Ingenious!  

Miss: So these "Zenoes" can be killed by special bullets that gives off the same effect as sunlight; which kills the creatures. Wait a minute.... Creatures who dwell in the dark can be killed by sunlight bullets.... Movie rips off Underworld....how fucking embarrassing. 

Miss: Uh oh, the flickering lights are back. Better be scared.

Miss: Oh yeah, awesome! A shooty action scene in the dark, I'm sure those gun muzzle flashes won't cause any epileptic seizures. 

Hit: *One of the 713 agents gets his spine snapped in two by one of the Zenoes.* OK that was an awesome gore effect.

Miss: These parasite controlled people go full rage zombie mode on the 713 agents. But then out of nowhere one of the parasite zombies attacks a 713 agent like he's freaking Bruce Lee. Unless this is a Blade movie this particular scene is wholly out of place.

Miss: I wasn't too sure when seeing the blood next to the dead museum security guy. But now I'm certain they used CGI blood for the dead parasite zombies. That's just cheap....

Miss: Edward: "I don't think we're supposed to be here." Then why did you convinced Burke and Aline to go with you into the mine shaft of death? Also, no shit....

Miss: Edward, Burke and red shirt agent #2 had plenty of time to shoot some snake-like Zeno before it bites red shirt agent #1. But instead they just stand around doing nothing as the snake-like Zeno bites red shirt agent #1, eventually killing her. Excellent work, guys.

Real Talk: Is that 713 agent played by the lead actress from House of the Dead?

Real Talk: Come to think of it red shirt agent #2 is played by Daniel Cudmore. 

Miss: God damn it, they dragged Colossus into this garbage. 

Hit: *Agent Miles finds Agent Feenstra dead with her head split open.* Once again that's an awesome gore effect.

Miss: So while Edward and the others were in the mine shaft of death there was an apparent city-wide evacuation taking took place in one night. An entire city evacuated in one night, yeah I call bullshit. And it's not like the movie shown any crisis that possibly triggered a city-wide evacuation. I could assume that the Zenoes over run the city but again the shows nothing.

Miss: Movie rips off the Sam Rami Evil Dead camera shot.

BONUS ROUND

Miss: Hudgens experimented on the orphans to "merge man with creature". As for the why it's never explained outside of Hudgens saying words such as "thousands of lives can be saved" or "it's about the future of our species". But given how his parasite controlled orphans have been killing people and he himself practically cause an apocalypse I call his actions both contradicting and bullshit. Which leaves me to believe that the writers didn't bother giving Hudgens proper motivations but rather just some crazy villain doing crazy shit because the script said so.

Miss: Movie makes these parasite controlled orphans somewhat important to the story only to be reduced to zombified canon fodder. No pay off, no plot relevance, just a bunch of randos implanted with a parasite for the lead characters to fight. And considering that these people were innocent orphans experimented on there was next to zero repercussions when the lead characters killed them off. Essentially it's pointless to even sympathize with these parasite controlled orphans when the story doesn't bother to care about them, narratively.     

Miss: How exactly is Hudgens controlling the parasite controlled orphans or the Zenoes for that matter? Is it because of the Zeno blood he injects himself with, if so how? Does the Zeno blood protects him from being harm by the creatures? At no point he doesn't seem to be mutating or altered into something else. So instead the story provides no significance to whole Zeno blood injections plot-point or the whole Hudgens controlling the Zenoes plot-point. Now I don't know how Boll's mind works when it comes to storytelling (and I honestly don't wanna know). But when establishing a plot-point you don't just skip it without providing any explanations or just simply ignore it all together.

Miss: The text narration explains that Hudgens built a hidden laboratory when the government shut down his research. This led me to believe that Hudgens was clearly doing illegal activities outside of Bureau 713. Yet when Edward and the others discovered his hidden lab they immediately come to the conclusion that 713 was behind the experiments. If that's the case then why would Hudgens be killing the agents? And you would think that some of the 713 agents be working with Hudgens in secret but that's not even the case. Well except for that one rando agent who was under parasitic control. But besides that it was all Hudgens who's been doing the experiments. I feel that the text narration the film's story were clashing each other the more you think about it. It's as if there were two different stories for the movie and no one couldn't decide which to go with. So instead they went half and half and see what works.