The Film Vindicator Review: Super Capers

OK before we get started I wanna tell a little story, back in 2009 me and a few friends took an awesome trip to Wizard World Chicago (or Chicago Comic Con). Of course the three of us had the most awesome four days ever but aside from that I met and chat with Abe Sapien himself Doug Jones. He then takes out this comic book autographs it and gives it to me; the comic book is called Super Capers which was apparently a comic book prequel issue. Basically it was a promotional comic book of the film which Doug Jones stars in so yeah I still got this comic up to this day even though I've never read it. But around 2011 I got the nerve to watch the film, so let’s see what's so super about this film.

We start off at a dark alley where a woman in red is followed by a creepy Clint Howard. Suddenly a guy in a goofy costume Ed Gruberman (played by Justin Whalin) appears to save her but it turns out she's a super hero named Red (played by Christine Lakin). Red disarms the creepy Clint Howard and Ed with a 2x4 knocks the creepy Clint Howard half across town. After which Ed gets arrested apparently for superhero abuse; long story short at a courtroom the judge (played by Michael Rooker) gives Ed a chance to develop is superhero status at a halfway house for superheroes called Super Capers. Ed arrives at the halfway house via Adam West Batman batmobile taxi service...I don't know if I should find this funny or sad. Ed is introduce to other Super Caper members such as Felicia Freeze (played by Danielle Harris), Herman Brainard (played by Samuel Lloyd), Herbert (or Q which he calls himself)(played by Oliver Muirhead). Will Powers (played by Ryan McPartlin), Puffer Boy (played by Ray Griggs), and Sarge (played by Tommy "Tiny" Lister). A little bit later Sarge calls the team out on a mission to stop a villain Captain Sludge (played by Jon Polito) from hi-jacking armored bank trucks. The team head out in an RV that's fashioned out after the DeLorean DMC-12 time machine built by Herbert Q, I'm not kidding the thing even has the freaking Time Flux Capacitor. The running gag here is that Herbert Q is a huge movie buff so whatever gadgets he makes are pretty much rip offs from popular films. Anyway they arrived at a bridge where the armored trucks are robbed by an awesome looking Minotaur; no joke there's a Minotaur in this film. The team conflicts Captain Sludge and Minotaur but you can imagine that these heroes are made of useless. So it's now Ed's turn to fight by...praying and it works, a street lamp post falls on the minotaur knocking it unconscious forcing Captain Sludge to retreat. Later a trip to the laundry mat, Ed and Herman spot the judge from earlier putting suspicious bags in the trunk of his limo and leaves Ed and Herman follows him. They follow the judge to the middle of nowhere dumps out the bags and leave Ed goes to look inside the bag to find gold bullion and immediately goes all Gollum. No really the guy goes all Gollum for a bag full of gold and he doesn't even tell Herman about it, nice going dude you're on your way of being a superhero.

Back at the house The Super Capers are approached by agents....hi Doug Jones....who is there to questioned Ed in the involvement of the missing bag of gold....OOPS. So Ed acting like a complete idiot tries to deny about the gold but made the situation worst resulting Ed and the other getting arrested. Ed is taking to the judge's home to find Red working for the judge and to find out that the judge is Ed's childhood hero Dark Winged Vesper. The judge this whole time set Ed up with him joining the Super Capers, set him up with the missing gold in order to have Ed join the judge and to one day become the next Dark Winged Vesper. We cut to the other Super Capers about to be taken out by Captain Sludge and a few henchmen but they fought back and Puffer Boy escapes to rescue Ed. The next scene that follows I kid you not the dialogues exchange between Ed and the judge are straight out of Return of the Jedi...seriously. And the funniest thing about it the two characters noticed this and they try to stop reciting almost every line, yeah it maybe a silly scene but my god it's funny. Anyway it's revealed that the judge is Ed's dad....BUM BUM BAAAA....before Puffer Boy pops in and helps Ed to escape. Ed reaches to the Super Capers' RV and drives off while Captain Sludge gives chase; the chase ends with Ed accidentally drives off a cliff. And here it gets dumb; Ed starts praying for God to save him and then starts talking that if he dies at least he'll get to hang out with God. But apparently God doesn't want that and hey who can blame the lord, so through an act of God the RV travels one week back in time saving Ed. So Ed uses this opportunity to stop the judge, Ed arrives at the armored truck robbery from earlier he bumps into the bridge which cause the street lamp post to fall on the Minotaur. Ed gets out of the RV before it falls to the ground (but it actually disappeared in mid-fall) he stops the judge and orders Will to stop Captain Sludge. Oh what now there are two Eds right now but don't worry the film takes care of that problem. The "future" Ed and "present" Ed touch and the "present" Ed poofs out of existence, see problem solved. So the film ends with Ed and rest of the Super Capers save the day and drives off in the "present" RV.

My Final Verdict: Sure this film is no Mystery Men but it still got some good funny moments here and there. So I guess it's worth watching if you’re into something this goofy and dumb but if you don't think so then no worries it's probably not worth watching. Next time we're looking into the 2011 remake of a 1985 film Fright Night stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: D.E.B.S.

I came across this film during my post high school years and was having low standards at the time I kinda enjoy this film at the time. But looking back to it now this film is meh. OK the reason why I kinda enjoy because there were lesbians in this film. Hey I was young, stupid, lonely, and horny back then; but now I think that's just a distraction from the rather goofy plot which goes like this. A secret test hidden in the SATs which measures an applicant's ability to fight, cheat, lie and kill. Those who score well on this hidden test are selected to become members of the secret paramilitary academy called D.E.B.S. Right away I got problems with that plot. Apparently this hidden test only measures on the applicant's ability to fight, cheat, lie, and kill; that sounds like an Al-Qaeda entry application. And also since this test is not measure on how smart the applicant is what if some dumbass passes this test out of sheer bullshiting the world would be fraking screwed. Anyway the film is based off a short film of the same name and plot and I've stalled enough let’s get started.

We opened with the introduction of the four women who pass the test Max the Leader (and a bitch)(played by Meagan Good), Amy the Perfect Score (played by Sara Foster), Janet the Rookie (played by Jill Ritchie), and Dominique the Slut (played by Devon Aoki). Yeah I know I'm being mean and I'm sorry but that's how this film pretty much display these characters clearly cliché and stereotypical. We cut to the girls rendezvousing with Mr. Phipps (Michael Clarke Duncan) at D.E.B.S. Academy; they're debriefed on a new of surveying a high profile criminal Lucy Diamond (played by Jordana Brewster). Cut to a restaurant the Les Deux Amours where the D.E.B. girls keep watch on Lucy which they think she's making dealings with a Russian assassin Ninotchka Kaprova (played by Jessica Cauffiel) but what actually is going on is a blind date. And skipping through the boring parts the girls get spotted by Lucy and a gunfight breaks out in the restaurant. And yes these girls are going into a gunfight looking like anime school girls, and yes these outfits can't protect jack shit in a gunfight. And yes these girls are flipping stupid of going into a gunfight wearing school girl clothes instead of body armor. And don't make the excuse that it's sexy; these girls charged into a gunfight with the most obvious chance of getting shot in their most unprotected areas. That's not sexy that's being impractical and stupid, hell at least Black Widow wears a body suit before going into a battle. You really think Black Widow is gonna walkaway untouched looking like the biggest dumbass bullseye in the room? Anyway Lucy gets out of the restaurant and the girls split up and pursued her. Amy and Janet spots her entering a warehouse and the two split up and follow her. Inside the warehouse Amy and Lucy bump into each other and two break into a standoff. Lucy starts to take interests to Amy after she explains that writing a thesis about her, the rest of the girls arrived but Lucy is already gone. And in utter shock the girls believe that Amy fought Lucy and live to tell about and yes it does become a big deal.

Later that night still interested in Amy, Lucy infiltrates the D.E.B.S. residence and sneaks into Amy's room. Lucy asked Amy to go out with her but she refuses but being held at crossbow point Amy has no choice. As the two leave they're noticed by Janet leaving no choice for Lucy to take her with them. On the road they stop at an underground nightclub called The Junk Pit; Lucy continues to charm Amy. Amy finally opens up and the two make a connection, so much so that they almost kiss but Janet stops them and her and Amy want to go. Lucy drops them off back at the residence and wants to see Amy again but she refuses and returns the residence. The next day at the academy everyone are praising for Amy being the only person who confronted Lucy and survived Amy gets promoted to squad captain and Max gets piss off blah blah blah next scene. The girls get a report that Lucy is robbing a bank and they head out to apprehend her. Upon arriving at the bank it turns out it's trap to get the girls out of the way so that Lucy can some alone time with Amy. Amy at first was resistant but finally starts feeling for Lucy and the two kiss and leave the bank together while the rest of the girls believe that Lucy kidnapped Amy. The film pads out into a montage of Lucy and Amy bonding while the D.E.B.S. is on the manhunt for Lucy. We cut to Lucy's hideout where the two continue to bond; back at the D.E.B.S. residence Max receives an anonymous call on where Amy is and the girls gear up and head out. Arriving at the hideout the girls are confronted by Lucy's henchmen but quickly subdue them. They enter Lucy's bedroom to find her and Amy making out which brings them in utter shock at the sight. The head honchos of D.E.B.S. are not too pleased with this but don't want to start a scandal so they cover it up as Amy was under mind-control by Lucy or something. Later in Amy's room Lucy sneaks in and tries to talk to her but Amy refuses to listen and sets off an alarm. Lucy gets out the room and escapes before the girls show up. Feeling down over Amy's rejection, Lucy decides to turn over a new leaf to win her back. So the film pads out into another montage of Lucy returning stolen items. We cut to a D.E.B.S. year-end dance called Endgame where Amy receives an award while Lucy attempts to sneak in. Inside Lucy spots Amy giving her speech and Amy spots Lucy and begins share her feelings out in the open and admits that she loves Lucy and leaves. The two reunite but are confronted by Max, Dominique, and Janet; Amy convinces Max for the two go off together and Max lets them go. The film ends with Amy and Lucy drive off into the night happily in love.

My Final Verdict: This film tries to out What The Fuck the Charles' Angels films and succeeded because anyone who watch this will go What The Fuck. Now there are some good moments but we have to go through some goofy pointless shit to get there. You wanna watch a film with badass female character without feeling like you just got dumber come talk to me I'll give you a list. Hell I'll give you an example Aliens with the character Ellen Ripley. Oh what you were expected me to say Bella Swan from Twilight well let tell you this. BELLA SWAN COULDN'T BENCH PRESS ELLEN RIPLEY'S BALLS! OK I think I made my peace with that so stay tuned next time as we look into Super Capers.

The Film Vindicator Review: The Vampire Effect

Hey everyone happy new year and welcome back so on to The Vampire Effect or The Twins Effect....alternate titles are weird.

We start off at a church where a group of people who are apparently buying it to live in. Not sure if you can actually live in a church but whatever. Turns out these people are vampires wait more than that royal vampires and these guys do a better job of hiding among humans than the vampires from Twilight. We cut to a train station where we're introduced to Reeve (played by Ekin Cheng) and Lila (played by Josie Ho). They work for the Anti-Vampire Federation bent eliminating vampires with the help of a vampire blood extract that temporary grants the strength and speed of vampires. The downside without an antidote to take after an hour and a half you're permanently a vampire. Reeve enters a train and immediately spots; gives chase to the next car where he gets ambushed. Reeve holds them off until Lila arrives to back him up; one vampire watches the fight from afar and then flies in attacking Reeve. This vampire appears to be the leader as he calls off the other vampires and fights Reeve and Lila alone. I don't if I should call him the stupidest vampire ever or give this guy some balls. The fight continues until the leader vampire knocks them on their ass and for some reason just runaway. And here's where I get confused here; in the next scene Lila SOMEHOW dies and the scene before that the leader vampire gets his arm cut off. The film doesn't show when or how but it implies that his arm is cut off. Honestly I didn't skipped anything the film basically cut out a few scenes of events that led to this point; this is gonna be hard to review if the film has scenes that are cut out. Anyway we cut to a fancy restaurant where the two royal vampires from the start of the film Prince Kazaf (played by Edison Chen) and his servant Prada (played by Anthony Wong) enjoying a nice bottle of blood. You heard me right a bottle of blood. Minutes later we're introduced to Reeve's sister Helen (played by Charlene Choi) who confronts her cheating boyfriend as Kazaf watches from a nearby table. Helen chases off her cheating boyfriend and sits next Kazaf reminiscing her boyfriend problem. Kazaf takes interests in Helen and asked for her phone number and she gives him her number. Prada disapproves of Kazaf falling in love with a human but Kazaf is determined for the two to be together. And this where Twilight fails with its romance between Bella and Edward; in a span of a few minutes Helen and Kazaf hit it off like normal people. They act like they got genuine chemistry; they got decent character interaction while as in Twilight Bella and Edward act like they're constantly constipated every time on screen. Anyway we cut to Reeve at an airport to pick up his new partner Gypsy (played by Gillian Chung), upon returning home Reeve introduces Gypsy to Helen still upset over her breakup which long story short breaks out into a martial arts fight. Back at the church Kazaf gets a call from Helen and the two share a conversation. Helen invites him on a date at noon and Kazaf agrees but one problem since this film is not following the "sparkle under sunlight" rule Kazaf has to improvise on seeing Helen without burning into flames. Prada concocts a special suncream which allows vampires move around in sunlight. Later Reeve and Gypsy track down a vampire at a night club but the vampire escapes before they can kill him. After that they're informed by the federation that a vampire king and the four princes are murdered by the vampire duke Dekotes (played by Mickey Hardt); the leader vamp from the start of the film. He's been extracting their blood essence and to use them to open a sacred book called The Day for Night which conveniently Kazaf has possession of since he's the last of the princes. Inside the book is the blood of the ultimate vampire; any vampire who consumes it can go out in daylight unharmed.

The next day Helen meets up with Kazaf and the two head off to a wedding....because Helen likes crashing weddings. Before I skip this scene I like to point that Jackie Chan is in this film....he's not the main character but he's in it. As their connection blooms further, Prada persuades Kazaf to tell Helen that he's a vampire and he does. I gotta tell you Helen does a better response to this revelation than Bella, for one Helen doesn't react with a featureless blank slate expression. Anyway Kazaf collapsed on the ground due to not been drinking blood for days. Helen takes Kazaf to a hospital sneaking into a blood bank to gather blood; they're almost out scott free until they are followed by a vampire. They managed to get away and hide off in an ambulance where SURPRISE Jackie Chan is an ambulance driver; well they manage to have him around so damn it you might as well have him fight vampires in the next scene. They drive off from the hospital and are immediately attacked by vampires; Jackie tries to fend them off as he's driving the ambulance. He runs over one of the vampires before coming to a stop in the middle of the road; one vampire attacks Jackie while another one attacks Helen in the ambulance. And you know something neither of them has not taken that vampire blood extract, so how exactly are they able to fight off vampires? And also Jackie seems too taken pretty well of the revelation that he's fighting vampires instead of freaking out. But you know what seeing Jackie Chan acting like a goof while fighting vampires I'll for forgive this scene. At least it's far more entertaining than what Twilight tries to shove into my brain. Anyway the two managed to fight off the vampires and runs away...bye Jackie Chan. Upon returning home, Helen tells Gypsy that she's dating a vampire and wants her to down Reeve for her. Of course Reeve doesn't agree to this but Gypsy talks him out of killing Kazaf. We cut to Reeve and Gypsy at the church which is already been taken over by Dekotes. Reeve goes in alone to fight him but is quickly taken down and is taken captive. Later Gypsy goes to Helen and Kazaf to help rescue Reeve; back at the church Kazaf tries to distract Dekotes while Helen and Gypsy go rescue Reeve. They found him in the basement of the church but unfortunately have become a full vampire with the antidote gone. Leaving with no choice, Gypsy stabs him allowing his last amount of humanity to finish the job for her. Meanwhile Dekotes has extracted the last blood essence from Kazaf opens the Day for Night. Helen and Gypsy arrive and starts taking out Dekotes' minions and once again neither of them hasn't taken the vampire blood extract. What is the point of having this thing if they can take on vampire minions with zero difficulties whatsoever? Anyway before Dekotes consumes the ultimate vampire blood Gypsy intervenes and cuts the extract in two pieces. Dekotes ends up with a smaller piece while Gypsy has the bigger piece and without thinking she consumes it granting her vampire strength and speed. OK the film never explains is this blood has ANY EFFECT on humans but Gypsy seems to go right ahead without any fear of nothing happening or the extract would turn her evil. Anyway this gives her the upper hand and is able to defeat Dekotes once and for all. The film ends with Helen, Gypsy, and Kazaf continuing the mission of eliminating vampires.


My Final Verdict: I wish this film has a subtitle below the film's title that says "Twilight can kiss my ass"....seriously. Sure the film is silly in its own right but at least it's not a raping insult like Twilight, the characters here have far better personalities than the whole of Twilight. Even Helen is more of a strong, independent, and a progressive character while as for Bella is no more than a codependent mentally damaged sociopath. Oh don't worry there's plenty more vampire films out there that are FAR SUPERIOR than Twilight to review so look forward to those in the days ahead. But until then stay tuned as we look into a rather meh film, next time it's D.E.B.S.