Hits & Misses: The Lost World Jurassic Park

DISCLAIMER: I love the first Jurassic Park that I just can't bring myself to do Hits & Misses of it. However, I don't have the same respects for the sequels and yes this includes Jurassic World.

Miss: So there was another island (Isla Sorna) where dinosaurs were being grown. And this wasn't mentioned in the first movie why exactly?

Miss: "Rich British Family" cliche

Hit: Hold on, is that Ethan Rayne from Buffy The Vampire Slayer?!

Miss: Oh yeah let your little girl wonder off on an island with god knows what's gonna happen to her. Like being attacked by a swarm of Compsognathus for instance.

Hit/LOL: Not gonna lie this is a hilarious scene transition to Ian Malcolm.

Hit: Hi Tim and Lex, it's too bad that you're in the rest of the movie. But then again it's probably for the best to stay far away from this wonky ass film.

Miss: So John Hammond was keeping Site B safe from human interference for four years. Yet couldn't be bothered set up perimeter to pervert people from stumbling to the island by accident.

Miss: Obviously Ian doesn't want to go to Site B, so let's throw in a plot device to change his mind.

Hit/LOL: Ian: "Where you're going is the only place in the world where the geese chase you."

Real Talk: Kelly: "She doesn't even have Sega." Man fuck Sega, back then it was all about the PlayStation.

Miss: Tim and Lex were at least endearing and helpful in the first movie. Kelly is just dead weight in this movie and no taking out that one raptor with her gymnastics doesn't count. That was just plot convenience.

Hit: Gonna give credit to this movie's soundtrack.

Real Talk: Ian: "Oh yeah ooh, ahh. That's how it always starts. But then later there's running and then...screaming." Ian Malcolm would be excellent in Hits & Misses.

Miss: I respect Julianne Moore but I hate her character, Sarah Harding.

Miss: Sarah: "We're here to observe and document not interact." Says this AFTER messing around with a baby Stegosaurus. Dipshit.

Miss: Sarah: "Dinosaurs were characterized very early on as vicious lizards." Well giving to what happened in the last movie, yeah they kinda are. Well the carnivorous ones anyway. And it's not like the dinosaurs in this movie won't be any less vicious. Forgot about the two stegosauruses that were trying to kill you earlier?

Miss: If Ian's the only main character trying/wanting to get off an island of dinosaurs your writing's kinda fucked.

Hit: Roland Tembo, why wasn't he the main character in this movie? His backstory is straightforward (hunting the T-Rex) and has a bit of a character arc later on.

Miss: I understand what the movie's trying to do, making InGen the bad guys as they're rounding up the dinosaurs like defenseless cattle. However, here's where it just doesn't work. All of the dinosaurs are property of InGen as in the company that genetically bred them in the first place. Meaning InGen can do whatever they want with them regardless.

Miss: Dieter asking about the Compsognathus: "Is it dangerous?" 

Burke: "Nah, I wouldn't think so." Bullshit it ain't dangerous! Did you not hear about that little girl being torn to shreds by these things?!

Miss: Oh sure, let's release these dinosaurs out of their cages. What could possibly go wrong?

Miss: Oh look, the dinosaurs are running amok and wrecking up the InGen camp. Totally didn't see that coming.

Miss: *Ian struggling to talk to a woman on the radio.* 

Kelly: "Boy is she mad at you." Hey dipshit, since you can speak Spanish about actually help out your dad instead of standing there being a smart ass.

Miss:  Oh yes just ignore that phone call from Ian. I mean it's no big deal just that two pissed off T-Rexes are heading your way.

Miss: Ian: "I'm coming right back, I give you my word."

Kelly: "But you never keep your word." Well fuck you too you little shit. Seriously is this movie purposely making Ian a bad/deadbeat dad so arbitrarily? If so please stop, it's not endearing.

Miss: I bet Sarah and Nick feel like total dipshits for bringing that baby T-Rex back to their trailer. Yeah they were helping the poor thing but still.

Miss: No way that glass would still hold after Sarah makes a hard fall on it.

Hit/LOL: Ian: "We need rope!"

Eddie: "Anything else?"

Ian: "Yeah, three double cheeseburgers with everything!"

Nick: "No onions on my!"

Sarah: "And an apple turnover!" OK, that was funny.

Miss: Eddie is eaten by the T-Rexes.

Miss: Ian: "Five years of work and a hundred miles of electrified fences couldn't prepare the other island." Actually that island was doing just fine despite being almost operational. It's just it took this one guy hacking the computer systems to fuck all that up.

Miss: Nick: "It's looter mentality, all you care about is what you can take. You have no rights." Well not true Nick because again these dinos are InGen property they can do whatever they want. Even Ludlow makes that point. Point being that these guys are doing their jobs. 

Miss: Why did the movie felt it was necessary to described the raptors as if the audience forgot what they look like?

Miss: Sarah: "The Rexes may continue to track us if they perceive a to themselves or their infant." Says this while failing to realize that her jacket has the baby Rex's blood on it. Meaning that the Rexs will track them anyway. Roland notices the bloody jacket and she doesn't even get rid of it.

Miss: Dieter did not need to go that far just to take a piss. And now he done got himself lost like a dumb ass.

Hit: Not gonna lie this movie does a good job making these Compsognathus scary as fuck. They're like piranhas with legs.

Miss: And now Sarah realizes the blood just as the Rexes arrived to camp. Jackass.

Miss: Just how exactly did Nick managed to remove the two bullets from their casings? And without anyone noticing him messing with Roland's gun?

Miss: Also you mean to tell me that Roland didn't bring any extra bullets just in case?

Miss: Ajay: "Don't go in to the long grass!" Says this while going in to the long grass. Idiot....

Miss: And after our main characters are rescued, Nick just disappeared from the rest of the movie.

Miss: Some dipshit unknowingly releases the T-Rex from the cargo hold. Nice going, Jackass.

Miss: I'm sorry but if any child sees a T-Rex out the window they be screaming their heads off and go running to their parents. Not stare out window and then calmingly walk out the bedroom as if they just pissed in the bed. At least Tim and Lex had the proper response when seeing a T-Rex.

Miss: Kid: "There's a dinosaur in our backyard." Yeah could you say that again but only in panic and fear instead of creepily standing there like a robot?

Miss: Why would this bus driver think he can just out run the T-Rex?

Miss: *A group of Japanese men running away from the T-Rex* Get it...it's a Godzilla reference!

Miss: *Ian and Sarah speeding away from the T-Rex*

Sarah: "Ian, slow down a little." ........WHY?! And also fuck no!

Miss: They actually called Animal Control for a fucking T-Rex. I don't know if I should find that funny or retarded.

Miss: And just what was Ludlow gonna do when he found the infant, give it candy? Also you mean wasn't aware of the parent heading back to the ship?

Miss: You know your writing is fucked when I don't even care that you killed off the greedy corporate guy.

Hit: No joke, Sarah with that big tranquilizer gun is kinda hot.
 

Hits & Misses: Doom

DISCLAIMER: This movie is a bit of a guilty pleasure to me. Yeah it's flawed as fuck but there were some enjoyment I got from it.

Miss: Narration.

Miss: *A bunch of scientist running in a dark as fuck corridor.*  Pro tip to all filmmakers, just because your movie's suppose to be dark doesn't mean it has to be visually dark.

Hit: Movie uses the same title font design from the games.

Hit: The Rock!

Real Talk: Good to know that in the future 8-bit video games still exist.

Real Talk: Portman, the correct term you're looking for is Ladyboys, get it right.

Hit: I'll be honest, having an ensemble characters kinda helps the movie rather than being just the one main protagonist who shoots demons and doesn't talk at all.

Miss: OK is this a rookie thing, why's the new recruit called "The Kid"? Compare to the nicknames of the other marines "The Kid" just sucks.

Hit: Duke: "It goes like this see, if it's trying to kill ya it's a threat." Make sense to me.

Hit: Pinky

Hit: "Killcams"

Miss: *Portman being a perv to the ladies.* How did this dude got in to the R.R.T.S. (Rapid Response Tactical Squad)?

Real Talk: *An armed team moving around in dark areas with creatures lurking about.* With an overhaul of rewrites this can be a better Resident Evil than the ones we ended up with.

Hit: The BFG!

Miss: Sadly it's behind a locked door....for now.

Miss: Why would Sam Grimm ever work at the same dig site where her parents died? Either she has some excellent therapy or she doesn't give that much of a fuck about her parents?

Miss: Just saying it right now, instead being a gate that unintentionally becomes a portal to hell it's alien chromosome experiments gone wrong. Why exactly they went with this when they have good source materials? They could've still have the portal-to-hell plot going for them.

Miss: *Portman gives Kid a couple of drugs.* Again, how did this dude got in to the R.R.T.S.?

Miss: *Goat cuts a cross in arm for "taking the lord's name in vain"* Now how did this dude got in to the R.R.T.S.?!

Hit: Naked, Genetically, Crazed Zombie Chick!

Miss: *Dr Carmack keeps repeating "shut it down" to Sam* That line would've made sense if there was a hell-portal in the movie. But since there isn't one it just comes off as misleading and pointless.

Miss: They shot the shit out of that poor little monkey.

Miss: Carmack is practically mutating in the open yet Sam and another scientist don't just quarantine him.

Miss: Mutating Carmack pulls a Batman without being Batman.

LOL: Sewer Level!

Miss: Wanna know if one of the main characters gonna die? If they're all by themselves after being split up.

Miss: Goat sees some creepily lit eyes and the first thing he does is calling out to see if it's one of the missing scientists.

Hit: *Duke hitting on Sam* At least Duke got some game unlike Portman who is just a creeper.

Miss: Portman: "It's standard operating procedure to call in reinforcements." Sarge: "We are...the reinforcements." You are? Was there already a R.R.T.S. team before you guys? The fuck are you talking about Sarge?

Miss: Jump Scare....   

Miss: *Mac literally gets his head knocked off by a creature* Farewell Mac, I barely knew your character.

Hit: BFG Acquired!

Hit: That music when the BFG's revealed.

Hit: Destroyer vs Hell Knight

Hit/LOL: Oh Pinky, you cheeky bastard.

Miss: Oh yeah let's inject a murder convict with some alien chromosome. What could possibly go wrong?

Miss: Reaper: "It's this place, it's hell, it always has." Well if Mars had a hell-portal you'd be right but it doesn't.

Miss: *The Hell Knight cutting through the Arc door with just a chainsaw.* That chainsaw must be made out of Adamantium, otherwise that shouldn't work.

Miss: Sarge has been told that not everyone can get infected but he still kills anyone in sight. Lazy heel turns are lazy.

Miss: So the Hell Knight followed Pinky through the arc yet he wasn't the first to get killed/infected. How fucking convenient.

Miss: Bye Duke....

Hit: First Person Shooter Action Scene! I don't care if it looks cheesy as fuck this is the closest thing to an actual Doom movie.

LOL: Mutating Sarge: "Semper Fi...Motherfucker!"

Hit: Reaper vs Mutating Sarge

Real Talk: The funniest thing, despite the flaws I'm still waiting for a sequel.   

Hits & Misses: X-Men Apocalypse

Hit: I see that the Fox logo still does that thing when it fades to black except for the X.

Hit: Still using the theme music from X-2 I see, good for them.

Hit: Ally Sheedy? Is the rest of the Breakfast Club cast here too?

Miss: Why is Storm’s hair started off black but then goes white by Apocalypse? Did the filmmakers really had to explain why her hair is white? It’s not dye she’s naturally born with white hair. STORM’S HAIR GOES WHITE OUT OF NOWHERE!

Hit: Although I will give credit to the actress portraying Storm attempting at a decent African accent.

Miss: Apocalypse learns to speak English and what the world has become via mind-melding with a TV. Discount Ultron?

Miss: Charles Xavier is a pervert.

Real Talk: Moira MacTaggert has a son….. Proteus? Fingers crossed.

Hit: This is the only movie where Cyclops and Havok have a few scenes together, better enjoy it while it last.

Hit: Hi Blob

Miss: Bye Blob

Miss: When did Warren (Angel) ever have these claw thingies coming out of his wings?

Hit: This is the only movie where Mystique and Nightcrawler share some scenes together. And yes I understand that in the movie-verse it’s never established that Mystique is Nightcrawler’s mother, I’m not that nitpicky.

Hit: Caliban

Real Talk: I was skeptical about Olivia Munn as Psylocke mainly because I’ve never seen her act outside of Attack of the Show. But in all fairness she was OK at times, although I think she could’ve use some more development than just being Caliban’s bodyguard before joining Apocalypse.

Hit: Discount Beastmaster

Miss: Magneto just can’t get a break at a normal life.

Miss: If Magneto can manipulate the magnetic fields on a global scale why the hell he could’ve do that in the first X-Men trilogy? He would’ve got the world on its knees within hours.

Hit: Professor X: “Wreak Havok”

Miss: Havok is dead and that sucks.

Miss: Colonel Stryker had all of these mutants rightfully for the taken after the school explodes but only takes Beast, Mystique and Quicksilver.

Miss: They have Jubilee in the movie yet she has next to nothing to do nor is she in the final battle of the movie. UNACCEPTABLE!

Hit: Weapon X is unleashed and cleans house.

Hit/LOL: Cyclops: “Hope we don’t see him again” If you only knew Scott, if you only knew.

Miss: It’s been spoiled in the trailers that Quicksilver is Magneto’s son yet Quicksilver never tells him.

Miss: Apparently Apocalypse doesn’t have mind-control powers when he imbues his disciples. Because how else Magneto and Storm were able to betray him on a whim?

Hit: Nice to see the filmmakers learned their lesson from X-3 by having actual effects for the Phoenix Force instead of just making Jean Discount Evil Willow…..again.

Miss: Throughout the movie Apocalypse is never referred or called Apocalypse. I mean yeah it’s not exactly his real name but En Sabah Nur just doesn’t sound as menacing as Apocalypse.

Miss: This better be the Danger Room because where the hell did they get these Sentinels.

Hit: Sinister approaches…...

BONUS ROUND: Now I know the new trilogy doesn’t necessarily connect with the old one, but I gotta get this off my chest.....just for fun.

Miss: If Scott, Jean and Nightcrawler have been at the Alkali Lake base before then why don't they remember back in X-2?

Miss: If Wolverine has met Jean, Scott and Nightcrawler back at the Alkali Lake base then why doesn’t he remember them back in X-1 and X-2?

Miss: If Nightcrawler and Mystique met each other before why don’t they remember each other back in X-2?

Miss: Jubilee must have the same Wolverine Anti-aging Factor because how else can you explain how she’s able to stay so ridiculous young from the 80s all the way to the early 2000s (the first X-Men Trilogy)?

Hits & Misses: Wonder Woman

DISCLAIMER: Now this movie could've gone either way character wise with Wonder Woman. They could've made her another hard ass uber-bitch with an "I don't need no man" attitude stereotype. Thankfully they didn't take that route. All I'm saying is that you can have a story featuring well developed female characters. It just takes this little thing called EFFORT and not just throwing in one dimensional characters while using diversity as an excuse.

Hit: Trying to out cute Laurel (X-23) with Diana as a child, huh? Well played movie, ballsy move but well played.

Hit: They must've got some real budget going for them when it comes to Themyscira. Sure there were a few scenes with CGI but everything else makes you believe that Themyscira may actually exist in real life.

Miss: So this invisible barrier makes Themyscira unseen from the world but it doesn't keep anything from getting in. That's a bit of a design flaw.

Hit: Ancient Amazons vs 20th Century Soldiers on a beach.

Miss: So it appears that Diana is the only one who can repel bullets while the rest of the Amazons just get shot.

Miss: The movie doesn't show a title card that it's WWI going on. You pretty much have to pay attention to what's going on.

Hit: Diana's naivete of the outside, something about that gives her more character.

LOL: Steve thought she was asking about his penis.

Miss: Dude you're not in Star Trek, put some pants on please.

Real Talk: There are some comparisons between this movie and Captain America The First Avenger. Although those comparisons are rather small, noticeably but small.

Miss: There's a war going on yet nobody's stopping the one woman carrying a sword in a clothing store.

Hit: Diana's and Steve's interactions to each other.

Hit/LOL: It's hilarious to see Steve explaining certain topics to Diana.

Miss: Discount Red Skull

Hit: I've looked up this character and apparently there was an actual German General Ludendorff.

Miss: Discount Arnim Zola

Miss: Discount Howling Commandos

Miss: Diana comes to the conclusion that Ludendorff is Ares, even though Ludendorff hasn't demonstrated that he is. Not to mention she hasn't met him yet. So how could she know that?

Hit: Diana casually walks across No Man's Land like she doesn't give a f**k.

Hit: Diana vs German Soldiers

LOL: Diana calls dancing swaying.

Hit: Diana and Steve "Swaying"

Hit: Diana vs Ludendorff

Miss: Surprise, Ludendorff is not Ares!

Miss: Ares does fight Diana in his true form, it's just beforehand he keeps throwing objects at her like he's Discount Magneto.

Real Talk: Ares: "Only a god can kill a god" Kratos will gladly dispute on that statement.

Hit/Miss: Diana finishes Ares with a Mortal Kombat move.

Miss: Diana doesn't fly in the movie, yeah I'm sure that's depending which comic era Wonder Woman they're going with. But still....

My Problem with Identity-bending Established Characters

I'm not an advocate of race/gender/sexual orientation-bending established characters. Mainly because it doesn't have a narrative affect on the characters or the overall story. There's a difference between changing characters' identity based on cosmetic decisions and changing characters' identity based on the decisions of the plot/story. The problem is most creative studios would change characters based on the former category. If a character's identify is changed for the sake of just changing said character then there's a possibility this decision won't make the character any better. An identity change of a character holds no baring if there's not any narrative reasons for it. If there's not a plot point that results a character going through dramatic changes that affects them throughout the story then these changes mean nothing. Or even worst, a character's identity is changed to the point of being a token stereotype.

Good example of identity-bending in a narrative fashion is a Netflix show called Altered Carbon where the concept of "stacks" and "sleeves" is established. Furthermore, it has established that people can place their stack (their consciousness) into different race, gender and age of sleeves (synthetic human bodies). Therefore, the identity change of  Takeshi Kovacs from Asian to white makes sense to the story. Rather than having the main protagonist being Asian in one episode then magically being a white guy in the next.      

Also I'm rather tired of people getting excited about how "progressive" these studios are all because they did a simple identity-bending on characters. You do realize that the reason they identity-bend characters is because... A. It's a lot cheaper for them to do than just create new characters/IPs. B. They don't wanna take risks of creating new characters/IPs. Or (optional) C. They're just really lazy to make new characters/IPs. Take points A and B, why else is there so many reboots/remakes in movies, comics and cartoons? Because it helps studios save money while making profit from reused IPs.

Hits & Misses: Alien Covenant

Hit: Opening Title sequence does a call back to the first movie.

Hit: This movie's soundtrack.

Miss: Guess having James Franco in the movie was pointless considering that his character dies a few minutes in.

Hit: A touchy scene from Daniels and Walter.

Miss: The new captain doesn't pay respects to their fallen captain.....dick.

Miss: *The Covenant crew walks on an alien planet without wearing suits.* And right away this crew is dumber than the Prometheus crew.

Hit: Hi David. Now there's two Michael Fassbenders.

Hit: It's a nice contrast between Walter and David.

Miss: Oh yeah, just locked in your crew mate with a newborn Zenomorph....what a bitch.

Miss: Death by Spray and Pray stupidity.

Miss: David is essentially Discount Roy Batty with a god complex.

Real Talk: If they wanted Fassbender to play Roy Batty just make a Blade Runner prequel.

Miss: When did David developed this complex between Prometheus and this movie? As soon as he reached the Engineer Planet he kills everyone, why?

Miss: David: "It's safe, I promise"

LIAR!

Miss: Elizabeth Shaw is dead but the movie hints that David did something to her. Doesn't show what or why.

Miss: How was David able to create facehuggers without any tech?

Hit: One jump scare.....somebody's learning.

Hit: Walter vs David

Miss: This movie feels rather short.

Miss: The Sargent had a facehugger on him for roughly a few seconds and yet he still had a chestburster implanted in him, how?

Miss: Oh no that's not Walter it's really David the whole time. Which I saw it coming from a city block away, also bye Walter.

Miss: Most of the scenes that were shown on YouTube are nowhere to be found in this movie.

Real Talk: I'm under the impression that this movie and Prometheus are going a different direction from the Alien series.

Hits & Misses: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Hit: This movie's soundtrack.

Hit: Gotta give this movie credit of de-aging what Kurt Russel looked like in the 80s. I don't know if I should find that impressive or weird.

Miss: So Peter's mom knew about his alien dad yet didn't mention it in the first movie.

Hit: Baby Groot steals the first few minutes of the opening.

Hit: Drax is as Drax as ever.

Hit: Hi Nebula!

Hit/Wait What: BEN BROWDER!

Hit/Wait What: SYLVESTER STALLONE!

LOL: "Wasn't ripe yet"

Hit/LOL: Mantis

Hit/LOL: Mantis and Drax

Miss/LOL: Drax can be kind of a dick to Mantis.

Hit: Suddenly I'm getting Big Trouble in Little China flashbacks. Now if only Peter or Ego made a reference to that film.

Hit: Hi Howard!

Miss: The Ravagers are dicks to Baby Groot.

Miss: Sad Baby Groot

Real Talk: I don't wanna know where Groot got that severed toe.

Hit: Baby Groot gets pay back.

Hit: Apparently Yondu has a prototype fin that almost makes him look the character from the comics.

Real Talk: This movie breaks the 4th wall more times than Deadpool.

Miss: Ego almost has Peter on his side and for no reason he out right confess that he killed Peter's mom! WHO THE HELL DOES THAT WHEN THEY'RE THIS CLOSE OF WINNING?!

Hit: Hi David Hasselhoff!

Miss: An omnipotent god-planet is easily put to sleep by Mantis.....WHAT!? That's like Galactus getting beat up by Squirrel Girl, it's just......WHAT!?

Hit: Most of the characters' backstory.

Hit: The Watchers!

Hit: Yondu gets a character arc.

Hit/Wait What: VING RHAMES!

Hit/Wait What: MICHELLE YEOH!

Real Talk: Not gonna lie if next The Expendables movie takes place in outer space, I totally watch it.

Miss/Meh: I don't like Teenage Groot, he's not as adorable.

Hit: Yes we are Groot Mr Hasselhoff, yes we are.