Hits & Misses: The Black Room

Hit: Nice ominous POV homage to Halloween.

Miss: Obviously fake ass mist/fog/smoke effects are obvious.

Miss: Why would this woman let her granddaughter stay at a house that has some creepy supernatural stuff going on?

Miss: Wow, a few minutes in and already got pervy ghost rape. Thanks movie.

Miss: “Granddaughter being manhandled by demon hands.” I know this is meant to be scary but giving how she’s (re)acting and the cheesy music it feels like I’m watching a porno spoof.

Miss: “This movie’s opening title sequence” What is with the music, am I watching a horror film or a crappy Bond knock-off?

Miss: Ah fuck they dragged Natasha Henstridge into this movie.

Hit: Also, Natasha Henstridge.

Miss: Realtor: “Ever since that horrible incident with her daughter.” Don’t you mean her GRANDDAUGHTER? Ugh reshoot please.

Miss: I get it Mr. Electrician Man, Natasha Henstridge is hot. Now put that dick back in your pants please.

Hit: Jennifer: “No sexual activity until the creepy Mr. Fix It is gone” Agreed and I don’t blame you.

Miss: Yeah Creepy Mr Fix It, care to bang on that door a little harder and maybe shout a little louder as well.

Miss: Despite being naked in the tub we see no naughty bits of Natasha Henstridge.

Hit: But still, naked Natasha Henstridge.

Miss: I know this is meant to be scary and/or seductive but all I’m seeing is Jennifer and Paul being sexually violated by pervert ghosts. And it’s not like they can see the ghosts which even make it less scary and more like a lazy exploitation.

Miss: Oh great, undead, creepy Electrician.

Miss: Oh wow, Jennifer’s sister is an Emo Bitch.

Miss: “Paul gets possessed” Wow nice low budget lightning effects movie, it’s like I’m watching a Lets Play of Phantasmagoria 2.

Miss: “Possessed Paul fails at seducing two waitresses at a restaurant” It’s like if Paul was in a D&D game and rolled a natural 1 at seduction twice.

Miss: “Possessed Paul makes one of the waitresses’ breasts shrink to A Cups then soon after has breasts growing on her back.” I would find this scary if it wasn’t goofy at the same time.

Miss: So this sexual demon was summoned by doped up hippies back in the 70s. Why?

WTF: “Possessed Paul makes the other waitress explode with orgasm by fingering a cup of coffee.” How the fuck is this scary or seductive?

Miss: “Possessed Paul making out with a wall of demon hands.” More porno spoof action! This movie is just not trying to be all scary but rather have sexually situations ranging from silly to grossly uncomfortable.

Miss: “Possessed Paul even fails at seducing Jennifer.” Now just how am I supposed to take this Incubus seriously if it can’t even seduce the pants out of nearby women?

Miss: If the Emo Bitch sister is unimpressed by the demonically well-endowed dick, you got problems.

Real Talk: Emo Bitch sister dies via tentacle rape and not in a kinky way.

Hit: OK this time Possessed Paul is slowly improving on his seduction skills on Jennifer.

Hit: Natasha Cleavage!

Real Talk: Title Drop….

Miss: How does the granddaughter know about the Incubus or what went on decades ago? It’s not like her grandma told her or that “Hippies killed by a summoned sex demon” is public knowledge either.

Real Talk: Is the actor playing Paul British? If so I think his accent is showing.

Miss: Jennifer suspects something off is going in the house (and Paul) but doesn’t just get the fuck out of there.

Real Talk: “The Incubus is reborn in a sexy female body.” Not gonna lie I’d totally hit that.

Miss: “Jennifer stabs the female sex demon with a kitchen knife, killing her instantly”. Well that was fucking easy.

Hit: Paul has the right idea for the both of them to move the fuck out of the house.

Miss: “Jennifer is apparently possessed by the Incubus somehow as the movie ends.” Predictable shocker endings are predictable.