Hey everyone that time has come once again, this year in celebration of the inevitable end of Twilight we look into five vampire/werewolf films that tells the series to go eat a dick. First up in Anti-Twilight Month is Innocent Blood.
After a very musical opening credit, we cut to an apartment in Pittsburgh where we’re introduced to Marie (played by Anne Parillaud) who is naked. Wow this film doesn’t waste any time at all, huh? Marie self-monologues on that she has become very selective on her choice for “food” which left her starving for six nights. And that choosiness causes her the loss of her lover; which unfortunately for her means no sex. She’s then gets an idea while reading the newspapers on gangland crimes in Pittsburgh; saying that she should treat herself for some “Italian”. Only a few seconds in and we get a little backstory on Marie that doesn’t make her sound like a whining, brooding Emo. Cut to a small diner where Joe Gennaro (played by Anthony Lapaglia) and Tony Silva (played by Chazz Palminteri) escorting a dealer to their mob boss Salvatore “Sal” “The Shark” Macelli (played by Robert Loggia). Macelli is not too happy with the merchandise he’s offered (toaster ovens) so he slams the guy in the face with the toaster oven. Joe tries to calm him down notifying him that they may be watched by the cops. Macelli orders Joe to shoot the dealer but he refuses; so Macelli shoot the dealer instead. Afterwards Joe and Tony are talking outside the diner; Tony tells Joe that he has no choice but to kill as he hands him a gun. Joe takes the gun and spots an unmarked van; deduces that it’s a police surveillance van and bust opens the window. Tony pulls him away from the van and tells Joe to go home and cool off as tony walks away. A little later Joe bumps into Marie; causing one of her shoes to fall off. Joe helps her put the shoe back on and gets mesmerized as he looks upon Marie. He offers her a ride and possibly a drink; Marie is taken interested in Joe but backs away as she reminds herself to “never play with the food”. Marie walks away into traffic as she almost got run over by Tony; she gets rather upset and slams the hood of the car. Tony doesn’t that too kindly gets really mad at her. This has her very interested in him and attempts to apologize; Tony accepts Marie’s apology and offers a lift to anywhere.
The two are driving over a highway and stop at a lot; they start making out in the front seat of the car. Marie gets a little frisky on Tony; so frisky that her eyes glow bright red, gives out an animalistic roar and starts munching on his neck. I like how in this bit Marie looks in the rear view mirror and feels disgusted seeing herself covered in blood and proceeds to smash the mirror. This gives the film an excellent excuse why these vampires can see their reflection in a mirror. After she cleans herself up, Marie then proceeds to “finish the food” by eliminating the feed marks disconnecting the central nervous system. In other words Marie takes a shotgun out of her shopping bag and blows Tony’s head off. A bit overkill but kinda awesome. The next day Joe arrives at the crime scene, completely distraught seeing the dead body of his friend Tony. Joe is informed form a coroner that Tony’s blood is completely gone and not just from the gunshot to the head. Soon after U.S. Attorney Sinclair (played by Angela Bassett) arrives and is not too please with Joe at the scene especially when it turns out that he’s an undercover cop who’s been infiltrating Macelli’s organization for three years. Sinclair is certain that Joe’s in too deep and orders him to back out and go under protection. Joe refuses to do so and is confident that he’s close to busting Macelli but Sinclair decides to blow his cover by having pictures taking by the press. So is the U.S. Attorney stupid or incredibly stupid? Cut to nighttime as Macelli is super pissed to find out Joe to be a cop and wants him dead. His attorney Manny Bergman (played by Don Rickles) warns him that Sinclair may take him down in court and make arrangements. Macelli spots Marie taking to his underling Lenny (played by David Proval) was about to offer her a ride. Marie is rather annoyed by Macelli’s presence and insults him. Macelli is a bit mad about it but he gives her a ride anyway and she gets in the car. And while we’re still on this scene we get a nice Tom Savini (as a news reporter) cameo.
Macelli invites Marie to his place for a late night supper (hint, hint, wink, wink) and she accepts. At his place the two are about to share some kind of cooked fish but Marie gets rather nauseous. Mainly because the food is seasoned with garlic, uh oh. Marie runs straight to the bathroom trying to get away by the window but it has bars on it. Macelli enters the bathroom trying to have his way with Marie as she struggles to get away due to him smelling like garlic. He gets more aggressive to her as she continues to be resilient; she finally gives in to him only to get a quick bite on the neck. Marie has a good hold on Macelli as falls backwards into the bathtub; he goes for his gun, fires a shot to the ceiling and another shot to Marie as he “dies”. Lenny heard the first shot and enters the house; he gets to the bathroom only to find Macelli “dead” and Marie gone. Cut to a safe house where Joe is being watched over by Dave Finton (played by Leo Burnmester) and Stevie Morales (played by Luis Guzman). Finton gets a call and then informs Joe that Macelli is dead; assuming that it must been a gangland hit. Cut to Joe at the crime scene trying talk to the coroner but he’s being uncooperative. Joe deduced that the perp was a woman but the coroner still not talking. Joe takes a look around the area and comes to the conclusion that she climbed to the roof; so heads on up. On the roof he finds a blood trail and a shoe near a chimney. Joe gets a jump scare as Marie pops from behind the chimney, roars at him and runs off the roof. Joe heads back down to the street and stops at a church; he enters the church searching the place cautiously. The film cuts to a POV of Marie…running…flying…whichever; anyway she speeds out the door and Joe soon follows. Marie climbs up a building and breaks into a shower room. Joe finds a leashed dog barking at the direction Marie’s heading and unleashes the dog to follow it. Meanwhile since she’s in a shower room, Marie decides to take a nice warm shower. Who can blame her she had a really rough night. The dog stops at the same building she has broken into and climbs up into the shower room. Joe heads outside and stops in front of thrift shop which the front door is broken open. Joe cautiously enters the shop but little does he know Marie is handing from the ceiling like she’s Sam Fisher. She then drops from the ceiling speeds out the door before Joe even turns around to react. He runs out the door to find no one but only get surprised from behind and thrown into the street by Marie. She then threatens him to stay away as her eyes her bright green and her voice sounding a bit demonic; then she leaves.
Cut to a morgue where Macelli’s body is taken and is about to go under an autopsy by….FRANK OZ….FREAKING YODA! Impressive this movie is. Anyway he’s sets up power bone saw however, as soon as he turns around Macelli is alive. Macelli panics over the fact that he’s in a morgue and runs out of there while Yoda and a duty coroner go after him. Yeah I’m calling Frank Oz Yoda in this film deal with it. The press outside the hospital is trying to get info on Macelli’s death but the cops aren’t talking. That is until the press spots Macelli running out of the hospital as Yoda and duty coroner chase after him. Apparently the press aren’t bothered that Macelli was supposed to be dead. Macelli steals a car nearby and drives away. Back at Macelli’s place Joe is about to enter his car until Tom Savani tells him that a car crash at gas station on Shady Side. And the person driving the car was Macelli. Meanwhile Marie is lurking on a ledge of church like she’s freaking Batman watching over Joe. As Joe enters his car ready to leave, Marie jumps off the ledge and makes a hard landing on his car. In the confusion Marie throws Joe out of his car and gets in. She bust opens the windshield and is about to drive off but Joe tries to stop her. Marie speeds off as Joe grabs hold at the front of the car; she quickly stops the car then speed up again causing Joe being force into the car. Marie quickly stops the car again this time asking Joe how to get to Shady Side. Cut to Bergman arriving at his place as his wife is waiting outside looking rather terrified. Bergman enters the house and finds Macelli raiding the bar; Bergman tries to him down but Macelli is still freaking out on what happened to him. Believing that rival mobs put a hit on him or that the feds are in on it as well; leaving him at a morgue to be cut open. Macelli finally calms down as he smells something that’s making him really hungry. He enters the kitchen to find Bergman’s wife about to cook some raw steaks; since the steaks are raw and bloody Macelli starts chowing on the steaks.
Later on a highway Joe attempts to verbally interrogate Marie but she’s distracted by the head lights from other cars that are hurting her eyes. She then stops the car and asked Joe to drive instead; the two switch seats and continue driving. Joe and Marie arrived at the car crash site trying to find out where Macelli is. Joe is arrested by Morales and Finton as he tries to tell them that Marie’s the one who killed Tony and took out Macelli; and that she’s very strong and fast. But sadly they don’t believe Joe because they think he’s being obsessed on catching Macelli so they still arrest him. As Joe watches Marie completely denying to Morales and Finton, he gets on their radio asking for Bergman’s address. Marie sees Joe getting out of the car and heads off to Bergman’s; she excuses herself from Morales and Finton and follows Joe. Back at Bergman’s place Macelli is still feeding on raw meat while his men and Bergman are pretty spooked of him being alive. Macelli begins to sense that Joe is near the house outside and busts out through the kitchen window. Cut to Bergman’s wife in the bathroom drinking as Joe quietly approaches the house and stops by the bathroom window. Joe get spotted by Bergman’s wife and soon after turns around and gets choke hold by Macelli. Bergman tries to stop him from killing a cop on his own lawn but to no avail. He then grabs a shovel and hits Macelli at the back of the head which stops him. Bergman managed to get Macelli back into the house while his men handcuff the unconscious Joe. Down in the basement Macelli is not too happy of Bergman hitting him in the head. He then slowly approaches Bergman very creepily as Bergman backs away pleading to him. Macelli gives Bergman a hug before he bites him on the neck. In the kitchen Bergman’s wife hears him screaming as she sees Macelli’s men carrying Joe away. She arms herself with a kitchen knife and heads to the basement only to find Macelli covered in blood and Bergman “dead”. Macelli approachs Bergman’s wife about to bite her but she stabs him and runs away. Outside Marie is up in the trees like the Predator watching Macelli’s men putting Joe in a trunk of a car. She sees Bergman’s wife running out the front door screaming in panic; Macelli’s men sees a cop car approaching (Finton). Macelli walks outside, heads to his car and all drive off as Finton arrives. The wife tells Finton that Macelli ate Bergman; confused by what she said he gets out of the car and enters the house. Marie immediately gets into Finton’s car and follows Macelli.
Cut to Macelli and the others arriving at a garbage truck lot about to kill Joe. They have Joe’s feet in the garbage truck compactor about to crush his feet but luckily Marie arrives. She speeds the car towards them as they let go of Joe and open fire on her. Marie runs over Macelli who lost his gun which lands next to Joe. She then runs over one of his men leaving only Lenny who gets shot in the foot by Joe. Marie gets out of the car and snaps the other guy’s neck as Macelli runs to his car and drives away. Marie grabs a gun and opens fire on him but is already too far away. She gets back in to the car and goes after him while Joe tries to get in through the car window given that he’s still handcuffed. Cut to a car chase on a highway as Marie and Joe are right on Macelli however Marie sees the sunrise and drives off the highway. She stops at a motel in order to hide out from the sun. Joe is not too adamant on resting for one day since he still wants to hunt down Macelli. But Marie insures that they have a better chance of finding and stopping Macelli if they work together. Cut to Macelli rejoicing that he’s in the clear but as soon as leaves a tunnel and into the sunlight he starts getting rather toasty. Macelli drives to a nearby Roma Meat Company place and enters on in. Inside we see a meat worker played by HOLY SHIT ITS SAM RAIMI!!! Oh….sorry….anyway Sam Raimi sees Macelli entering the meat locker. He tries to offer Macelli help but he tells him to leave the meat locker and turn off the lights. Macelli sets up a small side of beef and takes a well deserve nap. Cut back to Bergman’s home where Finton informs Sinclair that Macelli attacked Bergman and taken Joe. Sinclair tells him and Morales to find Joe and he’s still alive. Sinclair then asked the barely alive Bergman will if he be pressing charges on Macelli. Bergman doesn’t answer and is put in the ambulance where a paramedic Dario Argento is taking care of him. Back at the motel after they checked in a room for today, Marie already has a blanket covering up the window to keep the sun from getting in. Marie entrusts Joe to make sure she gets no sun but he’s not too sure to trust her. She goes off to sleep (naked) in the bed while Joe sleeps on the couch.
Now I know what you thinking “what about Bergman, is Joe and Marie gonna take care of him”? Well don’t worry the film takes care of that problem. Cut to a hospital room where Bergman awakens and is about to feast a nurse until she opens the window curtains which lets in the sun and starts burning Bergman like a bag of popcorn. A couple of doctors hear the nurse screams and rush into the trying to restrain him. They managed to get him on the bed but he’s still burning into a crisp; his left arm falls off, his skin melting off and the scene cuts away as he continues screaming. Back at the motel Joe wakes up to see Marie still in bed. He quietly goes into the bathroom to check for any unnatural hickies and luckily finds none. A little bit later Joe starts to be intrigue to Marie; hovering his hand over her very slowly. He then proceeds to move the sheets to cover her but she soon wakes up and Joe backs away. He wants to go find Macelli now awhile he’s still sleeping. But Marie warns Joe that Macelli’s senses are now razor sharp; he can awake and move in a blink of an eye. She demonstrates this by ended up behind Joe in an instant and tosses him on the bed. A bit sexual tension ensues but Joe is being hesitant which is understandable given the current situation. Marie promises that she’s hungry for sex more than blood at the moment and gives Joe a box of condoms. Do I really need to say it……OK. Fuck you Twilight. So you can guess that in this film’s world Marie must’ve had unprotected sex and her human partners ended becoming vampires or ended up with vampire AIDS. Either way it makes more sense with a vampire-safe-sex than what Twilight Breaking Dawn was doing…..COUGH…..CGI HELLSPAWN BABY…..COUGH! Anyway Marie then proceeds to undo Joe’s pants and give him a blowjob; seriously Bella Swan wouldn’t have problems getting laid with her. Oh yeah I’m going there; Bella would’ve been better off with Marie than Edward. At least Marie doesn’t act like a brooding, whining dipshit with a sparkly cock. So yeah, Team Marie bitches. Anyway Joe is still rather worried of Marie so she gives him the handcuffs and has herself handcuffed. Quickly thereafter Joe and Marie are having hot passionate sex to the point that she breaks the cuffs and they continue having sex.
Later back at the meat place two more of Macelli’s men Frank (played by Tony Lip) and Ray (played by Kim Coates) show up while Lenny is waiting for them. Lenny is adamant that maybe someone else should take over given the weird situation surrounding Macelli. Lenny and the others enter the meat locker to find Macelli fully recuperated. He’s not too happy to hear what Lenny just said outside. Macelli ask Lenny to come closer and he nervously complies. Macelli talks him down before chowing down on Lenny’s neck. Back at the motel Joe and Marie are back in their clothes and heading out; both agreeing that once they find Macelli they kill him. Cut to a local strip lounge where Macelli and his men make shop at an upstairs office. Macelli makes a small speech of how this newly acquired life will makes thing better for the Macelli Family. Becoming untouchable to any crime family that gets in their way; taking over the city completely. However, for Frank and Ray this means they have to go through some “improvements”; Lenny jumps at Ray while Macelli munches on Frank. Joe and Marie stop at the diner but there’s no sign of Macelli; they then stop at a place called Bloomfield but no sign of him there either. Back at the strip lounge two more men of Macelli’s show up at the office only to be drafted into the undead mob. Later Morales and Finton show up at the strip lounge informed by undercover cops that Macelli is upstairs at the office. The two head upstairs to the office but only to find Frank and Ray just had their Italian snack as Macelli jumps out behind them. Joe and Marie arrive at the strip lounge but its close for the night. However, that’s not gonna stop Marie from yanking the front door open. As they enter the lounge they are stopped the lounge’s owner but Marie takes care of him by snatching his baseball bat from him and knocks him out.
Marie heads upstairs, sneaks up behind Ray, takes his gun and throws him down the stairs. Ray lands on Joe, has him pinned down but Joe pulls out his gun and puts a bullet in Ray before he had the chance to bite him. Marie enters the office seeing Morales tied to a chair and is about to be dinner by one of Macelli’s men. She’s about to shoot him but gets attacked from behind by other undead mob thug. Back downstairs Joe is out of bullets, takes the baseball bat and runs upstairs. Back at the office Marie is protecting Morales as she fending off the two undead thugs. She takes out one of them by snapping his neck; Joe tries to stop the second one with bat but it only just pisses him off. Marie takes care of him with a good neck snapping. Joe frees Morales to call for back up as Marie heads to roof. On the roof Marie takes Lenny and Frank but despite only firing two shots she’s out of bullets. Macelli goes up to Marie asking why she trying to kill him after giving this new lease on life. Marie rips a knob off the roof door and tries to stab him but struggles to do so. Macelli pulls out his gun and shoots her in the gut as Joe arrives to the roof and shoots Macelli. Mecelli makes his escape by jumping off the roof and lands into the street. However, he’s not entirely scot-free as he is hit by a taxi which slams him into a bus behind. Joe heads back downstairs but is stopped by undead Finton; Joe hesitates but quickly shoots him dead. Back in the street Macelli is rather pissed at the bus driver and slams the guy’s head on a window. Joe and Marie arrive at the street as Macelli is waiting for them. Joe sees the gas tanks of the bus and the taxi leaking so he lights up a zippo lighter and throws it on the gas leak. Both the bus and taxi explode but doesn’t kill Macelli as he walks out of the blaze looking a bit hotter around the collar. Joe finishes off Macelli with a shot to the head and Macelli crumbles to pieces. Joe spots Marie walking away as the sun is rising; he stops her from killing herself telling Marie that he loves her. The film ends with the two checking in to a nearby motel and Marie is rather rejoiced.
My Final Verdict: This film is a guilty pleasure to me so much; not saying its bad more of a happy, intentional accident. There’s some spark of humor in this film that were clearly unintentional yet somehow it works for the most part. And may I say that Robert Loggia was just absolutely amazing. Most films he starred in were mostly serious but here it’s like he’s having fun in this film. Not sure if it’s the writing or the performance but that’s what it looks like. And I gotta give credit to Paul Proval (undead Lenny) for having the most creepiest rape face ever and this was 15 years before James Nesbitt took that title in the show Jekyll. I'm really impressed with the film not using the term vampire through the whole thing given that it's really obvious of what's been going on in the film. It really feels like the film's not holding our hands from start to finish. At least when this film's director John Landis tries his take on vampire I don't constantly feel like calling on his bullshit. Unlike that one other person who best take on vampires is to have them sparkle in sunlight and randomly brooding at shit. Innocent Blood is known to me of having the second most beautiful French actress Anne Parillaud who has the sexiest thick French accent I’ve ever heard. Who’s the first most beautiful France actress you asked, Mathilda May (Lifeforce).
That’s Twilight 0, better vampire/werewolf films 1, so stay tuned next week for round two as we look into Stephen King’s Silver Bullet.
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