The Film Vindicator 50th Review: Teeth

That's right folks after three years of putting it off I’ve finally get to review Teeth. Was it worth the wait? Well let’s find out.

We start off in a suburban home where we're introduced to Dawn and Brad as children who are step-siblings and immediately you'll notice that Brad is gonna be a asshole when he grows up. We cut to present and the now teenage Dawn O’Keefe (played by Jess Weixler) given an abstinence speech to kids. Yeah Dawn is part of an abstinence group called The Promise and is a rather popular girl in the group. A few scenes that follow Dawn and Tobey (played by Hale Appleman) start becoming attracted to each other. So much so that later back home Dawn has a fantasy of marrying Tobey....weird. The following day Dawn tries to have a conversation with Brad (played by John Hensley) but that falls short when Brad basically wants......to.......have.......sex with her. Ugh yeah I know they're not siblings by blood but ewww. At a lake Dawn calls Tobey to come and see her and Tobey arrives there shortly after. The two go for a swim until they start kissing, they come across a cave and continue kissing until push comes to shove when Tobey proceeds to rape Dawn. ABSTINENCE guarantee to turn your horny teenager into a possible rapist. I don't mean to get political here but serious the whole "wait until marriage to have sex" promise is just not gonna stick especially when it's horny teenagers. You might as well have them wear Battle Royale explosive collars to make it stick. Anyway Dawn struggles to get away but Tobey has a good hold and starts penetrating her until.....until.......well this is gonna be tricky to say this. All of sudden there's a squelching sound and Tobey starts to scream in pain, Dawn panics and pushes him away and....... We see Tobey's penis is already bitten off and lying on the ground. Tobey freaks the hell and runs out of the cave, Dawn confused and scared leaves the cave and heads home. The next day Dawn goes to another speech but is still confused of what happened and just leaves. Dawn returns to the lake with Tobey's car still there but no sign of Tobey. She walks to a cliff and decides to discard the purity ring completely sworn off abstinence given that she was almost rape by a guy who he himself was abstinence I don't blame her. And also if that kinda situation happens this will get you thinking quite a lot. Dawn does some research on the net and comes across the term "vagina dentata" or toothed vagina. Dawn goes to visit a gynecologist to have her vagina check to get a clear understanding of what's going on with her body. The gynecologist starts to examine her but Dawn starts to panic and SQUELCH the toothed vagina bites on the gynecologist's fingers. And man does it have a good grip as the gynecologist tries to pull out (NO PUN INTENDED) while Dawn is being dragged around on the examination table. The gynecologist finally gets free with four of his fingers bitten off and starts screaming vagina dentata for some reason.

Dawn freaks out and leaves the room and bikes on home, Dawn notices some police cars heading to the lake where she and Tobey were. At the lake she sees the police discovering the body of Tobey, his penis was nowhere to found. Back home Dawn is about to tell her parents but find her mom on the floor unconscious while Brad (not giving two shits to call an ambulance) is porking some random chick. Did I mention that Brad's an asshole? After that Dawn heads to Ryan (played by Ashley Springer) and tells him everything that's been going with her recently including her toothed vagina problem. Right afterwards the two start having sex and trust me it's not out of nowhere as I'll explain a little later. We cut to a hospital where the gynecologist is getting his fingers reattach, as he is asked what happened he instead takes the oxygen mask and takes a good whiff of that sweet anesthetic gas. I guess if I ever got my fingers bitten off by toothed vagina I be too embarrass to say a damn word either. We cut back to Dawn about to leave to tell the police but Ryan persuades her to have more sex and they do. But that gets interrupted when Ryan's friend calls, it turns out that Ryan made a bet that he would have sex with Dawn despite her vow of abstinence. Oh and earlier before they had sex the first time Ryan gives her a pill which is obvious a date rape drug judging on how woozy Dawn was. Yeah nice going guy just flat out say GOTCHA while your penis is still in her vagina and speaking of which.....SQUELCH! Out of anger and embarrassment her vagina takes a bite out of his penis and leaves his house, yeah I hope that bet was worth it guy cause it's gonna be awhile for you to do that again. Back at Dawn's house her dad tries to kick Brad out but he's not having none of that as he unleashed his dog on dad mildly injuring him. At the hospital Dawn gets the bad news that her mother passed way, her dad shows up to get patch up. Dawn finds out what happened from her dad and Brad's girlfriend and heads back home. Dawn shows up in Brad's room and proceeds to seduce him, Brad takes the advantages and have sex with her and you can already guess how this is gonna end. Brad gets his penis bitten off and Dawn's vagina spits it out for Brad's dog to have a nice balance lunch.......yeah. Dawn leaves and hits the road on her bike until it gets a flat and then she hitches a ride. The ends with Dawn arriving at a gas station and tries to get out of the car but gets hit on by a rather horny creepy old man so she decides to fix that problem if you know what I mean.

My Final Verdict: I love this film quite a lot, I don't know why. I guess it's the fact someone took a concept as silly as toothed vaginas (which for me are well known from hentais) and made it possible for live action. Even though we don't see the toothed vagina in our own minds we can see as clear as day. This film really good sense of humor that isn't shoved in our face but rather has some nice subtle. Well that's my 50th film review and here's to 50 more reviews to come starting with G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra coming up next time stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Flight of the Phoenix (2004)

And welcome back folks as I said back at my David Cronenberg's The Fly that it's one of the perfect examples of remakes done right. Well I believe that the 2004s Flight of the Phoenix is one of the perfect examples of taking a plot/story from an old film and modernize it in present day; and so is 2011s Fright Night.

So we start off in the Gobi Desert of Mongolia where a C-119 Flying Boxcar piloted by Captain Frank Towns (played by Dennis Quaid) and co-pilot A.J. (played by Tyrese Gibson) arrives at an Amacore oil rig to clear out the place. This pisses off Kelly Johnson (played by Miranda Otto) who's in charge of the place but have no choose to leave due to the rig haven't been producing any oil. The rest of the oil rig crew John Davis (played by Jared Padalecki), Alex Rodney (played by Tony Curran), Jeremy (played by Kirk Jones), Ian (played by Gregory House....I MEAN Hugh Laurie). Sammi (played by Jacob Vargas), James Liddle (played by Scott Michael Campbell), Rady (played by Kevork Malikyan), Dr. Gerber (played by Paul Ditchfield), Newman (played by Martin Hindy), and Kyle (played by Bob Brown) all aboard the plane to Beijing along with addition passenger Elliott (played by Giovanni Ribisi). On route to Beijing they come across an approaching sandstorm. Instead of turning around back to the oil rig, Towns decided to fly over the sandstorm. Continuing on through the sandstorm, one of the plane's engines starts get torn apart until the repeller flies off the engine and comes cutting into the hull of the plane. The plane starts to loose altitude bumps into a rock formation busting open the cargo bay door. Causing the cargo consists come flying out of the plane tearing the tail of the plane apart; while the same time one of the passengers Kyle gets pulled out of the plane and falls to his death. The plane continues to loose altitude until it makes a crash landing, Towns checks on the passengers to find all but Dr. Gerber and Newman (who have die from the crash) are all OK. After the storm passes, the survivors have salvaged what's left in the plane leaving up to some food and water that'll last 30 days at minimum and set up a small camp. Towns figures out that they're somewhere in the middle of the Yol Valley about 200 west of their course and that Langhu is a few hundred miles south from where they are. One of the survivors Jeremy suggest that he can walk to Langhu but another survivor Rady warns him that will be most ill-advised to attempt considering the extreme conditions of the Gobi Desert. In the middle of the night John goes out to urinate until he trips on a rock falls downhill away from the camp becoming completely lost....somehow. The follow morning the survivors are about to look for him but another sandstorm approaches and then the film cuts to John dead from the storm. A little bit later everyone starts to have doubts about any rescue coming for them, this leads to Jeremy and Ian leaving with some of the water but Towns stops them. A struggle breaks out which ended up breaking the container losing the water, the arguments raged on until Elliott stops everyone. He after studying the wreckage plane he has constructed a plan to take the undamaged starboard engine and build a new plane out of it. Everyone seems to agree on this plan but Towns is too skeptical about this plan and does nothing to support it.

Later that day the survivors take notice that Liddle has gone on his own, Towns takes the initiative to go look for him and bring him back. After walking for miles following Liddle's trail, Towns come across the cargo consists that fell out of the plane along with the dead body of Kyle. Which on closer inspection Towns notice some bullet holes on the body and some bullet casings lying around. Liddle appears telling Towns that he's not going back; the two argue to a stalemate until Towns finally breaks that they'll build the plane if Liddle comes back with him. And as a sign of good gesture Towns gives Liddle his watch and could give it back when they get home. Upon the two returning to the camp, everyone starts building the new at nightfall. So far they're getting a good start but with all that work has diminish their water supply ever more. The next night they continue the construction until one of the fuel barrels exploded due to a few sparks from a campfire came in contact. With that in order to save fuel for the plane they have no choose but work in the day. They managed to separate the port wing from the old fuselage and successfully attach it to the starboard engine. One plane building music montage later, Kelly spots something over a hill and goes tell the others. Towns, A.J., and Rady investigate and see that they're smugglers or possibly gun runners. Everyone wants to make a bargain with them for some water but Elliott sees this as too dangerous especially with the possible risk of losing the pilot. They still want to bargain with them so A.J., Ian, and Alex go to the smugglers' camp while Towns scouts around the camp keeping them cover with a pistol. The three arrived to the smugglers' camp negotiating with the smugglers, all seemed going well until Liddle was following Towns and spots one of the smugglers with his watch which Kyle burrowed before he died. Liddle startled the smugglers and one pulls out a gun at A.J. but Alex pushed out of the way before the smuggler pulls the trigger resulting Alex getting shot. Towns opens fire on the smugglers and managed to kill all but one who escapes. The four carried Alex back to the camp trying to help him but Alex eventually dies. Back at the smugglers' camp they scavenge what they can find until Kelly comes across a wounded smuggler and her and Rady brings him back to camp. A protest breaks on rather to keep the smuggler around or send him back to his camp but Elliott solves this problem by shooting the smuggler in the head. Now I know that was really harsh but I gotta side with Elliott here the smugglers flat out murder a guy and they suspiciously want to know where the plane is. Do you really think that this smuggler would show some good faith after being saved upon before that was shot and left for dead? Towns and Elliott get into a yelling contest until Towns hits him to the ground. Long story short everything is forgiven and they've finished the plane. So now it leaves to starting up the plane and flying out of the Gobi. Luckily the plane starts up but unfortunately trouble comes knocking when bandits come charging after them, so Towns kicks it into high gear and heads for the cliff for take-off. The plane flies off the cliff and flies away into the distance, the film ends with pictures of the survivors rejoining their live.

My Final Verdict: This is how you do a remake, just take the story from original and just bring it into modern day. It's OK to make a little changes but don't change too much to the point of obscurity. OK folks next time it's gonna be special as next time's gonna be my 50th film review. Finally after three years of reviewing I'm at the 50th review mark and I'm not telling you what film I'm reviewing just to add some attention. So until then folks stay tuned.