The Cast House: Resident Evil

Hello everyone and welcome to my new segment The Cast House here on the Film Vindicator. Just for fun I take comics, video games, etc. and just imagine who's playing whom. But for now in this first installment I'm doing some re-casting as it were. With a few new Resident Evil games I thought it be fair to re-make the four crappy Resident Evil films. Meaning I'm getting really tried of bashing on the Resident Evil films so I'm doing this little what if. The film will be based on the Arklay Mansion Incident from the first game. Meaning that the characters will be the S.T.A.R.S.' Alpha Team and some of the surviving Bravo Team. So here's my casting call of what I think should play the characters from Resident Evil 1 and who should direct it.

The Film Vindicator Review: Supergirl

So Supergirl...sweet mother's ass is this film bad. And I'm not talking about regular bad I mean solid gold shit stain bad. The film came out in 1984; right between Superman III and Superman VI: The Quest for Peace both films that are just as worst. But let's stick with Supergirl for now.

The film starts off with surviving Kryptonians living in Argo City and here’s where things become head scratching confusing right after the opening credits. First off there's a city with still alive Kryptonians and no one in this city never bother to travel to Earth to find Superman and say..."Hey Kal-El you're not the last Kryptonian anymore there's still a city full of Kryptonians come visit us". My point is that non-comic fans that follow the Superman films will get borderline confused of what they're seeing despite what the first Superman film established. While comic fans will get both confuse and annoyed upon discovery this little revelation. And also where exactly is this city located; according to Wikipedia Argo City is in some pocket of trans-dimensional space. So I guess that's how the film explains it but let's be honest the writers were too lazy to write down "floating Kryptonian city in outer space. Anyway we're introduced to Kara Zor-El (played by Helen Slater) that's right Superman's cousin at least the film establishes that they're cousins. The same time we're introduced to Zaltar (played by Peter O' Toole) who is...uh someone...important...You know what I don't know who this guy is I mean he doesn't even exist in the DC universe. And that's one of my pet peeves with crappy DC Comic films but I'll get to that later. Right now I guess he's Kara's friend...teacher...emotional support again I don't know. Zaltar shows Kara the Omegahedron (a/k/a the film's McGuffin) which he "borrowed" from the city's government. Long story short Kara loses the Omegahedron which would lead Kara to leave Argo City and retrieve the Omegahedron. Meanwhile the Omegahedron reaches to earth where it's discovered by the film's antagonist Selena (played by Faye Dunaway). And guess what...this character doesn't exist in the DC universe either. Why is it that in these crappy DC Comic films instead of using characters that DO exist. The filmmakers in question would invent a new character that really shows no actual purpose in the film. I don't see this level of stupidity in the Marvel films lately; mainly because the filmmakers realize that Marvel has a whole universe of characters to use. Moving on; Selena is a power-hungry would-be witch and now with the Omegahedron in hand she's bent on ruling the world. Later Kara arrives to earth in her Supergirl costume; how she ended up in her costume well the film is not gonna explain how so good luck with any other bullshit logics that this film will never explain. For example, before losing the Omegahedron Kara is giving a bracelet from Zaltar which for SOME REASON is capable of tracking the Omegahedron. OK...did Zaltar foreseen that Omegahedron would end up lost and Kara would be the only one to go after it? So the next day Kara wakes up near an all-girl school and decides enroll at the school as cover. At least that's what I think she went there. Don't know why she could just stop by at the Fortress of Solitude or stop by Metropolis to you know STAY WITH HER COUSIN! And here's a real nice touch on bullshit logic; Kara SOMEHOW CHANGES HER COSTUME TO MATCH THE CLOTHES OF THE SCHOOL GIRLS!!! Not only that but she change her hair color to brunette. OK...let's take it from the top; how the hell did she changes from her outfit to normal clothes? It's not like she stolen any clothes she just BAM normal clothes. Does her outfit shape-shift, is she a shape-shifter? She might as well be since she changed her hair color as well. And I highly doubt it that it's a wig she must have found somewhere. So after that bullshit logic meltdown; Kara sneaks into the school under the name Linda Lee cousin of Clark Kent. She then roommates with Lucy Lane (played by Maureen Teefy) who is the younger sister of Lois Lane. No seriously Lois Lane has a sister in the comics.

Later we see Selena is on the lookout for potential lovers until the Omegahedron "choice" the girl school's groundskeeper Ethan (played by Hart Bochner). The purpose of this Ethan character is no more than a male-in-distress for Supergirl to save. So Selena lures Ethan to her place and drugs him with a powerful love potion that puts him out like a light. Right after he regains consciousness and wonders out into town while Selena was absence at the time. Meanwhile in town Kara hangs out with Lucy to meet up with her boyfriend Jimmy Olsen (played by Marc McClure)...and there you go people. This film's lazy effort to make any connections with the Superman films. Yeah don't bother bringing in Superman or at the very least Clark Kent that would be too damn hard. And what does Jimmy Olsen bring to this film...NOTHING! Solid gold nothing, he's just there because he there that's it. Seriously he couldn't just be there because he was sent by the Daily Planet to get a story on Supergirl or maybe he was sent by Superman to investigate if there is a "Supergirl" and quite possibly...seriously how sad is it that guys like me can come up with a better plot-point than the filmmaker? Upon discovery that Ethan is missing; Selena using her new found powers to locate him sends a construction vehicle to retrieve him. You heard me a construction vehicle...she couldn't just teleport him back to her place or anything. Anyway this causes panic in the streets which springs Supergirl into action. She manages to stop the construction vehicle and saves Ethan. Still under the effects of the love potion Ethan sees Kara in her guise of Linda Lee and falls in love with her but of course that doesn't go well for Selena. So she summons an invisible monster to kill Kara. Why is the monster invisible? Mainly because the filmmaker is saving the budget a even bigger monster later. So the invisible monster attacks Kara at the school until she takes a street lamp, flies right into some storm clouds, absorbing the lightning strikes with the street lamp, and zaps the monster. Yeah don't try to find the logic from that your brain won't forgive you. After that Kara's bracelet begins tracking the Omegahedron's signal which leads her to a amusement park where Selena lives. Upon arriving there she discovers that she's been followed by Ethan apparently flipping stalking Kara that's how love at first sight works right. I mean that's no way creeping at all and that Kara shouldn't smash his skull in...this film is over 9,000 in awkwardness.

So yeah there's actual love attention between them until Selena interrupts them; a fight breaks out between Kara and Selena and trust me it's not even a convincing fight. I mean Selena by far is no Darkseid. Kara temporary subdues Selena long enough for her to escape with Ethan. After this setback; Selena obtains a special wand which combine with the Omegahedron amplifies her powers even further. She teleports Ethan back to her place...and why she couldn't do that before? And using her amplify power create a castle fortress in the middle of town. Kara is not far behind as she speeds back to town right to Selena's fortress. This time Selena's more prepare as she sends Kara to the Phantom Zone. Once there her powers are gone but she's reunited with Zaltar who earlier stated since he lost the Omegahedron he would be sent to the Phantom Zone even though Kara lost it but whatever. Now in the comics the Phantom Zone is a pocket dimension that serves as a prison and as far as I know once you're in the Phantom Zone you can't get out. But this is crappy comic to film adaptation continuity is already broken beyond repair. So despite the whole "there's no escape from the Phantom Zone" Kara and Zaltar made their way to a portal that leads out. In the process Zaltar lost his as Kara makes her escape. Back on earth Selena has taken over the city and honestly I don't know where this place is I know it's not Metropolis. It could be Smallville who knows. Anyway Kara escapes from the Phantom Zone and back to Selena's fortress for one last confrontation. Selena summons another monster and here's where I think most of budget went to this holy unimpressive creature design seriously get a good look at it. Then again it's really hard to even see the monster; the filmmakers had this thing so blurry on screen you can't even tell its head from its ass. You know what I call that...POOR COMPOSITING! So Kara manage to defeat both the monster and Selena by...creating a...tornado yeah let's call it this film's equivalent of Superman spinning the earth's rotation backwards. The film ends with Kara returning to Argo City with the Omegahedron. Now considering where Argo City is she would pretty much be incapable of travel between dimensions as soon as her powers are gone again.

My Final Verdict: This film...is just lazy. Lazy writing, lazy directing, lazy continuity. The filmmakers weren't even trying to make a decent Supergirl; it's like they made it for the sake of popularity of the Superman films. Not to mention the filmmakers kept shooting themselves in the foot establishing both Superman and Supergirl are in the same universe. At some point they did a good job but beyond that they didn't really focus all that much at the end result. They just telling us through name-drops and other pointless scenes and expect us to accept them. I say avoid this film hell it's not even worth watching on netfilx. There's an extended version of Supergirl but I wouldn't recommend that either cause basically it just adds more unnecessary padding. And the worst part about it there's a lot more crappy DC Comic films out there. But I'm not gonna review them all in one go I wouldn't survive through the bullshit filmmaking. May be in through the passing days I'll review one film at a time.

But until then I'm reviewing some good film for a while. So stick around next week as I review Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

The Film Vindicator Review: Space Mutiny

Space Mutiny is one of those films of 1988 that were inspired by the popularity of Star Wars. Just be thankfully that it's no Turkish Star Wars.

The film starts off IN SPAAAAACE...with an opening narration. "About thirteen generations ago the overpopulated earth built a self-sufficient colony ship called the Southern Sun and taken its 10 lightyear journey to a new un-colonized world. While the current descendants have accepted the Southern Sun as their home other descendants have other plans". We cut to the engine room where Kalgan (played by John Philip Law) and his Enforcers are setting up explosives before cutting to a space dogfight between the Southern Sun's Stingray Vipers and Space Pirates. There we are introduced to David Ryder (played by the Big Ass Motherfucker himself Reb Brown). As David along with a Professor Spooner preparing to land the explosives in the engine room damaged the landing guidance control causing David's Stingray Viper to crash into the landing bay. Fortunately David was saved via Emergency Beam Off system; seriously the film would be too soon if our Big Ass Motherfucker actually dies. But unfortunately Professor Spooner died in the crash not sure why he didn't get beam off I guess the important characters come first. Of course this doesn't go well with Lea Jansen (played by Cisse Cameron) as she blames David for saving himself and leaving the professor to die.

After the crash it is reveal that Kalgan is plotting a mutiny against the Southern Sun by forcing the ship to enter the Corona Borealis system where it's infested with space pirates. Later at a outer space hula hoop dance club...at least that's what it looks like to me. I could not make this up and also I'd party here. Anyway we meet up David and Lea at the hula hoop dance club where they set aside their differences and become friends. And before you ask yes they do become love interest and fun fact Reb and Cisse are married in real life. David and Lea spots one of the bridge lieutenants arrested and killed by Kalgan. This springs David and Lea into action which leads to a rather impressive go-cart chase with laser and explosions. However, Kalgan escapes and calls in reinforcements but that them from showing off some badassery. David and Lea managed to take his reinforcements and retreat to the bridge. The bridge commander Alex Jansen (played by Cameron Mitchell) who is Lea's father is well-informed that Kalgan is staging a mutiny and decides to place David as the new flight commander and in in-trust that he maintain peace and gunning down douchebags while giving out his patented death-squeal. Kalgan doesn't take that so easily and retaliates by kidnapping Lea and tortures for the countermeasures info. Of course David beats up most of the Enforcers men and rescues Lea. I'm skipping ahead a bit to the end. After a fierce laser fight between the Enforcers and David's men; David pursues Kalgan which leads to another go-cart chase. David gets ahead of Kalgan, turns his go-cart around, speeds towards him, and jumps out of the go-cart before crashing into Kalgan. So the Southern Sun is saved, the Enforcer are dealt with, and Kalgan is defeated...OR IS HE!? Seriously the film ends with Kalgan surviving the go-cart crash and biggest disappointment is that there's no sequel after that revealing this ending as far as I know.

My Final Verdict: This film just grows on me in a way; I understand why guys like Spoony love this film. Sure most of the space dog fights are ripped off from the classic Battlestar Galactica, but this film has heart. I say give it a browse go look it up on YouTube and watch it.

The Film Vindicator Review: Final Fantasy The Spirits Within

I'M BAAAACK!!! Back online and back reviewing movies so here we go.

Final Fantasy is arguably one of the greatest RPGs ever made in my opinion. Considered to be the "final" game created by Square in attempt to get a mega hit from the game and they did. But unfortunately we still live in a world where great video games are turned into sold gold shit stain films by both stupid filmmakers and the piss-poor decisions by gaming companies. However, there have been a few video game based films that survive through the idiocy. With Final Fantasy The Spirits Within premiered in July 2001; will it do the same?

Well... The film takes place in a post-apocalyptic future of 2065...and it already sounds less of a Final Fantasy film. Anyway the earth is overrun by "Phantoms" (alien life forms that instantly killing living beings via physical contact). We're introduced to one of lead characters Aki (voiced by Ming-Na) searching through the ruins of New York City for a plant that possess a "spirit" inside. Upon finding the plant she immediately surrounded by Phantoms until being rescued by a group of soldiers led by Gray (voiced by Alec Baldwin). Aki and the soldiers managed to escape from the Phantoms and retreat to a barrier city. There Aki and Dr. Sid (voiced by Donald Sutherland) propose to the council a way of defeating the Phantoms by gathering eight spirit signatures which will negate the energy signature of the Phantoms. However, General Hein (voiced by James Woods) believes that using the Zeus Cannon (orbiting high power space laser cannon) will completely destroy the Phantoms without complications. Arguments flare until Aki reveals to the council that she has been infected by a Phantom but is kept in check with the collected spirit signatures. This somehow convinces the council to delay using the Zeus Cannon but Hein is not all convince and he thinks that Aki could be a conspiring with the Phantoms. It's later revealed that due to having a Phantom inside her; Aki's been having dreams of the phantoms and has been recording these dreams ever since. Later Aki and Gray's group head out to find the seventh spirit somewhere in a Phantom infested wasteland. They managed to find the seventh spirit in an energy pack of a dead soldier. Soon after they're being attacked by flying Phantoms; they escaped and return to the barrier city.

Upon returning they're immediately detained by orders of General Hein. Hein takes unwise measures to convince the council to use the Zeus Cannon by lowering parts of the barrier shield protecting the city letting in a few Phantoms. Unfortunately this plan backfires and dozens of Phantoms invaded the entire city. While this is going on Aki explains to Sid, Gray, and his men that Phantoms are not really the enemy but wandering spirits of the dead brought to Earth on a fragment of their destroyed planet. The laser bars of their cells shutdown and they made their escape to Aki's spaceship. But upon reaching her ship three of Gray's men fell victim to the Phantoms before Aki, Gray, and Sid made their escape. Hein who is the sole survivor escapes the doomed city via escape pod and proceeds to the Zeus Cannon to fire at the Phantom Crater. Aki and the others arrived at the Phantom Crater where the eighth spirit and Gaia (the earth's spirit)is located . Upon acquiring the eighth spirit Hein fires the Zeus Cannon while Aki and Gray are directly inside the crater. Repeating fires at the crater causes the cannon to overheat then eventually explodes along with Hein. While back at the crater their only means of transferring the eight spirits to the "Phantom Gaia" was damaged by the fallout of the Zeus Cannon. Gray decides to sacrifices himself to physically transmit the eight spirits into the Phantom Gaia. The film ends with the Phantoms ascend into space bringing peace back to earth.

My Further Thoughts on Final Fantasy The Spirits Within: At first I liked this film when I saw it but after playing a few FF games over the years and then looking back at this film. It's not all that impressive story-telling wise. Animation-wise it looks beautiful but that's all this film offers. Outside of great animation there's hardly a story about the setting, the characters, the antagonist (or the lack there of). The characters in-question hardly has any development or chemistry of any kind. The antagonist (the Phantoms) show limited amount of threat to the lead characters and lack of interest from the audience; basically their just a lazy plot-device to get the film going. The Phantoms are no Kefka or Sephiroth. It's like the people of Square were too proud of the animation yet they fail to input a interesting story to back it up. Oh yes Square formed a film studio to make this film and due to the film bombed in theaters Square no longer makes movies. I can't even call this film Final Fantasy honestly it's more of a Halo film. Seriously you can rewrite the script, change all the characters' names, redesign the characters and BAM there's your flipping Halo film.

My Final Verdict: This film lacks of what made Final Fantasy Final Fantasy. Outside of great animation; Spirits Within offers absolutely nothing else to keep the audience interested. The Animation alone just doesn't make this film that entire great if the story had any Final Fantasy familiarity I would still like it. This film is not for the die hard FF fans however, if you wish to watch it watch it for the animation. Don't expect to be entertained by the story.

So that's my first review of 2012 and more reviews for 2012 are still to come. For now stay tuned next week as I review a Reb Brown film classic Space Mutiny. Also get ready for a few new segments here on The Film Vindicator.