Hits & Misses: Resident Evil: Retribution

Real Talk: Before getting started, I wanna point out two things that I've over looked in RE Afterlife.

RE Afterlife Miss: If Wesker wanted to control the T-Virus inside him couldn't he just use the same serum that cured Alice? Or was that serum meant to be a one time and never be mentioned again?

RE Afterlife Miss: Wesker survived the Tiltrotor plane crash due to the T-Virus which begs the question how did Alice survived the exact same crash? And again she was injected with a serum that eliminated her T-Virus powers.

Real Talk: Super Duper Mega Ultra Alice: Retribution

Miss: I don't care what the reasons were to have this opening action scene played out in reverse. Unless you're Christopher Nolan and your movie is Memento, this is pointless as fuck.

Miss: Movie shows Alice in this opening scene but Chris and Claire are nowhere to be found. Not even Alice's opening narration mentions what happened to them.

Miss: *Alice recapping of what we already know about.* I already know who the fuck you are and what has happened in the previous movies! Do you at least have anything new to add to the table? Like an actual backstory for yourself? No....don't have one of those? Then fuck off....

Miss: So Jill was just captured and brainwashed by Umbrella. Not even gonna show when she was captured or why Umbrella would brainwashed her. Just give a throw away line in the opening narration.

Miss: And since I'm here, where's Angela Ashford this whole time? You know, that one character who was such a big deal in RE Apocalypse? Not gonna mention her in the opening narration? OK then...

Real Talk: And of course the narration completely ignores that whole "earth is now a barren wasteland" subplot.

Miss: If this opening scene was gonna be shown again in real time what was the point of showing it in reverse in the first place? 

Miss: After the car crash an Alice clone checks on her "daughter", Becky then the two of them make a run for it. But didn't even bother to check to see if the Rain clone was OK. What a bitch....

Hit: Naked Alice

Real Talk: Why would a holding cell have a skintight outfit in storage?

Real Talk: *Alice fighting several zombies in a long hallway.* I like this scene better when it was Black Widow in Iron Man 2. At least that movie didn't have those annoying slow-mos in every freaking shot. 

Real Talk: *Alice throws away the handgun after discovering a small armory.* Alice, you can still use the handgun you didn't had to throw it away.

Hit: Ada Wong

Miss: Ada talking until Alice interrupts her: "My name is...." Alice: "Ada Wong... Operative for the Umbrella Corporation, one of Albert Wesker's top agents. I know exactly who and what you are." Really...since when within the five movies so far? Because Ada's nowhere to be found in any of them. So I'm guessing there are external supplementary materials explaining this and if that's the case two things. One, keep the important plot details in your main story instead of some random external supplementary medium that are most likely never heard of by anyone. Two, relaying on random external supplementary materials to tell your main story is a failure of storytelling.   

Real Talk: Wesker's a good guy now why?

Hit: Barry Burton

Hit: Leon S Kennedy

Miss: If this is the same Red Queen from the first movie then how did she survived her mainframe being fried? Did she copied herself beforehand or something? 

Miss: Also that's a bit of a step backwards going from an A.I. hologram to being a face on a screen. It's just not as menacing you know?

Miss: *Alice, Ada and Becky are confronted by Jill, Clone One, Clone Rain and Clone Carlos.* Becky: "Daddy?" Alice: "He's not your father." Becky is deaf, Alice maybe say that again while she's reading your lips.

Hit: Ada using her grapple gun is the closest thing to a live action Resident Evil you're gonna get from this movie.

Real Talk: *A zombie armed with a chainsaw kills a redshirt in Wesker's strike team.* Oh no, not Redshirt #893!

Miss: Ada just inform Alice that the people in the underwater simulation facility are all clones. Yet Alice still acts confused/surprised when seeing clones of familiar characters for no reason.   

Real Talk: *Another redshirt in Wesker's strike team is killed a giant Licker.* Oh no, not Redshirt #23!

Miss: This giant Licker killed two people yet takes Becky away why?

Hit: Alice Ass Shot

Real Talk: Leon: "Where are you going?" Alice: "She's alive, I'm going to get her." How do you know that, Alice? 

Real Talk: Leon: "Don't do this, you're more important than she is." Alice: "That's where you're wrong." I don't know Alice, this film series has a weird habit of having characters randomly going M.I.A. for no explanations between movies. So I'm gonna have to agree with Leon.

Miss: This might be a long one so buckle up. *Alice finds Becky in some kind of cocoon before the giant Licker shows up.* So this one Licker starts acting like a Discount Xenomorph just for the movie to rip off a scene from Aliens where Ripley goes to the Atmosphere Processor Plant to rescue Newt from the Xenomorph hive. And all I can say is no....this movie did nothing to earn it. In the Director's Cut of Aliens, Ripley and Newt developed a surrogate mother/daughter relationship as the movie progresses. Both characters have lost their love ones and are survivors of a deadly alien species which adds more depth and commonality to their relationship. Ripley was that willing to go to hell and back to save Newt due this newly motherly bond with her. RE Retribution on the other hand, there's nothing of similar circumstances with Alice and Becky. The movie barely slows down for their mother/daughter relationship to develop organically. Not to mention Becky is only attached to Alice due to her "mother" being an Alice clone and having implanted memories. While Alice is attached to Becky because the script says she should be. Now maybe if Alice was a mother before/while working for Umbrella and have lost her child at some point then this surrogate relationship might've worked a little better. It's just unfortunate that the film series is too focus on making Alice a super duper mega ultra bad ass to give her any characterization and motivations. So this mother/daughter relationship just comes off as a narrative obligation rather than being a natural progression within the story.   

Miss: Now one last thing I swear and that is. Really Paul, you're really trying to compare Alice to Ellen Fucking Ripley? No....just no. Stop embarrassing yourself, man.

Hit: Barry's Last Stand

Real Talk: *Barry shoots the One Clone dead before he dies by gunfire.* This is the third time Colin Salmon died in a Paul W.S. Anderson, the second time being Alien vs Predator.

Miss: The one time where Barry and Jill are in the same scene together and they're not on the same side. 

Hit/Real Talk: Not gonna lie, this film's soundtrack is really awesome. But it's such a shame that it's wasted on a shitty movie. 

Miss: If the Rain Clone can get more powerful after a Las Plagas injection then why not have the other clone soldiers do the same? Would've make things a whole lot easier from the start.

Hit: Jill vs Alice, now clearly Jill is taking her anger out on Alice for taking away the spotlight and I don't blame her.

Hit: Alice getting the shit beaten out of her by Jill, because fuck Alice.

Miss: *Rain deliveries Alice a lethal death punch to the heart, yet somehow she just shrugs it off like it was nothing.* Uh bullshit! Alice should be insta-dead, how the fuck did she survive that? And I remind you again, she doesn't have her T-Virus powers anymore. So it's not like she blocked that punch with her telekinesis or rapidly heal from it. So again, how the hell did she survived this one punch? Is Paul Anderson really that protective of his super special character that he throws in some ever present fuck off plot armor to prevent any outcome that results in Alice dying? I guess so because otherwise in Anderson's mind there be no story if Alice dies in any way, shape or form.   

Miss: And what about Luther? He died by the same lethal punch to the heart. Where the fuck is his bullshit no death plot armor? Oh that's right, he's not Alice. So he gets to die with the rest of the characters that Anderson doesn't give a shit about.

Miss: In RE Afterlife Alice removes the mind control spider-bot from Claire, resulting in Claire having plot convenience amnesia. In RE Retribution Jill gets her spider-bot removed yet still retains her memories, even calling out to Alice by name. Continuity, how do?  

Real Talk: Jill you just got a spider-bot pulled out from your chest. Sure it hurts like shit but you seem to be moving around just find. Why not just get on one knee and kill Rain yourself? But OK throw the gun to the one person who should be dead or dying from a fatal death punch.

Miss: Rain talking to Alice: "You can't kill me...." That's still Chris' line who's not in this movie for reasons never explain.

Miss: Leon and Ada are in a scene together and it's put to waste by Leon groping Ada's thigh like a pervert. No banters, no memorable dialogues, just Leon reduced to a pervert. Good job movie... 

Miss: If Wesker was just gonna give Alice her powers back why not have his strike team give her the injection after they met up at the underwater facility? 

BONUS ROUND:

Miss: The Red Queen could've easily recapture Alice by gassing the entire facility for good measure. Because evidently sending hordes of B.O.W.s after her wasn't the smartest way to go.

Real Talk: I feel that all these zombies and other B.O.W.s are such a waste considering the facility has all these clone to test the Las Plagas parasite. Hell the place has plenty of Alice clones to duplicate the same process as with the original. Point being that an army of super clones seems more efficient than regular zombies.  

Miss: At no point all the other Lickers behaved like Discount Xenomorphs (capturing victims to be cocooned) in the previous movie. But this giant Licker does so for no reason aside from what I've already outlined earlier.

Real Talk: Jill's outfit makes her look like Zero Suit Samus. Now a live action Metroid would be nice, just keep Paul Anderson (or Uwe Boll) the fuck away from it.

Hits & Misses: Resident Evil Afterlife

Real Talk: Super Duper Mega Ultra Alice: Afterlife

Miss: Not a very good sign when a single movie has multiple producers.

Miss: *One of the Alice clones starts slicing up armed Umbrella guards.* As awesome this scene is, she could've use her telekinesis on these guys. Which she does when more guards showed up and are about to shoot her. Making that early slice and dice scene completely needless when you think about; unlike Paul Anderson who is the film series writer.

Miss: In fact, all of the Alice clones have telekinesis. So why not just have them mind blast the place instead of wasting the movie's runtime with pointless gunfights? This is what happens when you nerfed your superpowered character(s) instead of having them fight tougher enemies.

Miss: *Wesker makes his escape by tiltrotor plane as he blows up the underground facility. Killing what's left of the Alice clones.* And just like that all that build up with the Alice clones is swept under the rug after 14 minutes in. Paul Anderson must have the worst attention span with his writing.

Hit: Alice Ass Shot

Real Talk: Wesker injects the real Alice with a serum that renders her a normal human. Unfortunately this doesn't cure Alice of the plot convenience/contrivance disease she got from the script. 

Miss: *Alice magically walks away from a tiltrotor plane crash with next to no injuries.* Uh no, Alice's T-Virus powers are gone now. She should be pulverized meat after this, how the hell did Alice just walked away from a crash like she's Wile E Coyote? Alice got pretty fucked up after that helicopter crash in RE Apocalypse only to be revived by Umbrella scientists. But in this movie she just survives another crash without a scratch because fucking how? 

Miss: OK am I missing something here, wasn't the earth a barren wasteland one movie ago? Why are there now trees, lakes, snow and ice caps all of a sudden? Did Paul Anderson just forgot about the Discount Arrakis subplot somehow? Was he trying to retcon that but couldn't figure out how? Guess I'll just chalk it up to this film series biggest weakness #4. Whenever a plot point is established in the previous movie is just completely forgotten in the next movie.   

Miss: Movie, I know that Claire's surviving convoy took a chopper to Alaska. I didn't need the flashback to remind me.

Hit: *Alice gets a surprise sucker punch from Claire.* I really got nothing here, just felt like mentioning it.

Miss: Oh no, Claire now suffers the dreaded plot convenience amnesia.

Miss: Poor Kim Coates was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Kim Coates....

Miss: *Luther introduces himself to Claire only to rudely ignore him.* Now having plot convenience amnesia is horrible and all but that's no excuse of being a total bitch. Especially to someone who just saved your life.

Real Talk: *Crystal introduces herself to Alice until Bennet stops her.* This guy must've read the script, he knows this woman is nothing but a redshirt.

Real Talk: So this supposed safe haven in Alaska is a tanker ship, OK fair enough. But why wasn't it ever mention in the last movie? That would've nice to mention that important information, don't you think?

Miss: And of course Claire starts remembering bits and pieces about Arcadia but only when the plot deems it necessary. And by necessary I mean convenient.  

Real Talk: *Movie cuts to a zombie moving through the underground.* So the zombies are Discount Graboids now? OK....stupid but OK....

Miss: Poor Wentworth Miller was dragged into this garbage.

Hit: Also Wentworth Miller...

Real Talk: Also, also HA HA I see what you did here! Chris Redfield's in a jail cell like in RE 1 and the actor playing him is from the show Prison Break. Ooooh you're so cleaver, Anderson...except not really.

Miss: So these Graboid zombies borrowed their way into the prison which I'm assuming was at night but decided to wait until the next day to attack the survivors. 

Miss: And here's the pay off to Claire's plot convenience amnesia. Chris calls out to her when he's let out of his cell but oh no Claire doesn't remember him. The movie has brought these two together just to throw in some needless drama bullshit.

Real Talk: *After Alice, Chris and Crystal make it to the basement of the prison, a zombie jumps out of the water, grabs Crystal, pulls her back in and kills her.* It's a good thing Redshirt Crystal came along because otherwise the movie would've kill off Chris. God forbid if they have to kill off Alice, I mean what are the odds of that happening?

Miss: Alice could've toss the explosive on top of the elevator and then got inside with the others before the elevator goes down. But instead she rips off a scene from Die Hard by tying herself to a cable and then goes swinging off the roof like she's fucking Spider-Man. At least in Die Hard John McClaine was in a hurry to get off the roof before it gets blown up. Not to mention an attack chopper that's gunning for him. There was no rhyme or reason for Alice staying on the rooftop just to do this. At this point this is just Paul Anderson mentally fapping in his scripts on how awesome Alice (or his wife) is. Even though it makes no goddamn sense within the plot. 

Miss: *Alice's two double-barreled shotguns can fire quarters, apparently.* Now I'm no gun/ballistics expert but how can a double-barreled shotgun fire impractical projectiles like quarters? It be one thing if Alice gathered these quarters and melted them into actual ammo (which would make more sense) but that's not even the case. At least the early RE games have a crafting system to make different types of ammo. But I guess she just stuffs these quarters in the barrels with shit tons of gunpower and with the power of plot convenience these guns can still fire without jamming or exploding in her hands.   

Miss: Also she just came from the prison armory where there's plenty of actual shotgun rounds for Alice to use but I guess it wouldn't be as awesome as using impractical projectiles as ammo.

Hit: *Claire confronts the Executioner creature after Alice is knocked out. Then Claire eventually brings down the Executioner with a shotgun.* You see that Paul, was it so hard to have RE characters have their action moments without being out played by Alice?   

Hit: Also nice superhero landing by Claire.

Miss: But of course the scene gets ruined by having Claire conveniently forget how to duck when the Executioner throws his giant axe at her. Having Alice to move her out the way and gets the kill shot on the Executioner. Because god forbid if an RE character have their moments more than Alice.     

Miss: *Upon arriving to Arcadia, Claire sees the Umbrella logo then remembers of her convoy being taken by Umbrella guards. Telling Alice and Chris that Arcadia's a trap.* So it's revealed that the whole thing about "Alaska being safe" was complete bullshit. Now should I be surprised by that, because I'm not. Considering how RE Extinction was being so vague with Alaska being isolated from the infection in the first place. 

Real Talk: Also I bet Alice feels like a complete dumbass for sending survivors to Alaska based on fucking nothing but flimsy information.

Miss: Again Alice's powers are gone, why she is getting random flashes when she touches a blood covered stasis pod?

Miss: When Alice, Chris and Claire entered this storage room it's clean as a whistle. But after Claire releases all the stasis pods there's now this random blood trail to the next room. Where did the blood trail come from? Why's there a blood trail just appeared from nowhere when it wasn't before literally a few minutes ago? Did someone or something made this trail after leaving the pod, if so how did Alice and the others not seen what the hell it was?

Real Talk: Alice after finding the still Wesker in another room: "Why am I not surprise?" It's because you read the script. 

Real Talk: The T-Virus revived Wesker but it's trying to take control of his body. So he resorts to ingest fresh human DNA in order to maintain control. But since Alice once bonded with the T-Virus, ingesting her will make his control more permanent. So basically he's Discount Alex Mercer.     

Miss: Wesker talking to Alice: "You were the only who successfully bonded with the T-Virus. Your DNA is stronger than the others." Still doesn't give a detailed explanation but sure, whatever helps Paul Anderson not to think too much in the script. 

Miss: Wesker talking to Chris and Claire: "Well isn't this one big family reunion. Chris and Claire Redfield, you have really become quite an inconvenience for me." They have...since when, between movies?  As far as I know in THIS movie this is first time Wesker has met these two and vice versa. How exactly were they an inconvenience? Claire was leading a convoy back in RE Extinction and Chris was just locked in a jail cell. I'm just really confused by that line. 

Miss: Alice talking to Wesker: "I told I'd be bringing a few friends." Uh Alice you already did, remember your personal clone army whom are all dead now? Chris and Claire are more like your acquaintances.....no that's too strong. Colleagues....no that's not it either...... Um....disposable meat shields yeah that's it.  

Hit: Wesker throws his sunglasses at Chris.

Hit: Chris fighting Wesker is the closest thing to a Resident Evil live action you're gonna get from this movie.

Hit: *Chris and Claire shooting the shit out of Wesker.* OK, that's awesome.

Miss: *Wesker escapes by tiltrotor plane only to blown himself up when a bomb was placed on the tiltrotor plane.* So am I suppose to believe that Alice planted the bomb onboard before Wesker escape? If so when did she do this while not being notice by anyone? 

Hit: Jill Valentine Ass Shot

Hit: Jill Valentine Cleavage  

Real Talk: I'm sure the next movie will explain where the hell Jill has been since RE Apocalypse but I'm not holding my breath on that.

BONUS ROUND:

Miss: Most of the scenes would've gone a lot faster without the slow motion shots. And also pro tip, not every scene in an action film needs slow motion shots.

Real Talk: If Wesker needed Alice to control the T-Virus inside him, couldn't he just make some Alice clones? 

Miss: *Redshirt Kim Yong get sliced in two from behind by the Executioner.* Now this big motherfucker managed to sneak up on someone so easily?

Miss: You can give these redshirt characters backstory all you want, it doesn't stop them from becoming Alice's meat shields.