Real Talk: For the record I've watched only three of Uwe Boll's shit tier film adaptations and given his track record that's quite enough for me. And I don't care if he's gotten better in his recent movies. If he didn't repeatedly make one shitty adaptation after another while being a delusional jackass then just maybe I'd believe that he's not a fucking retard.
Miss: Only a few minutes in and the movie already spoils that most of Rudy's friend are gonna die later on. Show don't tell, building connections with the characters...these are creative concepts that are completely foreign to Mr. "I'm not a fucking retard" Boll.
Miss: And it really serves no purpose for Rudy narrating his friends' backstories. Because again the movie already spoiled that they're gonna die. So please feel free to not waste your time getting to know them too well.
Miss: The first House of the Dead game was a light-gun rail-shooter about two AMS agents fighting hordes of undead creatures to stop an obsessed geneticist. The adaptation on the other hand...a bland zombie movie about a bunch of randos trying to survive after arriving at a rando rave. Because clearly that's how adaptations work, right?
Hit: OK I'm gonna be a little nice here. Asian boobs.
Miss: Poor Clint Howard was dragged into this garbage.
Hit: Also Clint Howard.
Miss: Poor Jurgen Prochnow was dragged into this garbage.
Hit: Also Jurgen Prochnow.
Miss: Kirk warns the red shirts that the island's too dangerous. But when Simon offers a $1,000 Kirk practically says "fuck it, let's go". This guys self-preservation really sucks.
Hit: Greg: "Kirk...as in Captain Kirk? Does that make him (pointing at Salish) Mr. Spock? *Kirk stinks his knife in front of Greg.* Kirk: "I don't like no Captain Kirk jokes." OK that was kinda funny.
Hit: Erica Durance boobs...as in Smallville Lois Lane boobs.
Hit: And a nice Lois Lane ass shot as a bonus.
Miss: Movie rips off Jaws with underwater shots of naked Lois Lane.
Hit: And more boobs.
Miss: Throughout the entire movie clips from the House of the Dead game pop up in some scene transitions. They serve no purpose plot-wise and they're a bit annoying.
Miss: I don't care what Uwe Boll thinks, having zombies running around in the shadows isn't scary.
Miss: It's raining at Kirk's boat, while it's not raining on the island.
Real Talk: This movie is in no position to be mentioning George Romero.
Miss: Alicia talking to Rudy about Liberty: "Let me just give you a little tip, I don't think she's a natural Red White and Blue." Well that didn't sound racist at all.
Miss: Cynthia's a zombie before she's shot dead by Casper. If the movie didn't spoiled the outcome of these red shirts I would actually cared.
Miss: Kirk's rather calm when he's gunning down the zombies as they're climbing onto the boat. Does this sort of thing happens to him all the time? Or is it just bland acting?
Miss: Random close up shots of zombies, because that's what Uwe Boll deems it as scary.
Miss: Just what reason did Liberty felt the need to go into the zombie-filled shallow water only to be nearly drown by them? I mean she does make it back to shore but what did that accomplished exactly, being a dumbass?
Hit: Rudy shouting to Kirk: "SHOOT IT!" Kirk: "What do you think I'm trying to do you fucking moron." That was a good response.
Miss: Greg talking to Casper: "Greg...my name's Greg." Doesn't matter still gonna die because Rudy's narration said so.
Miss: So instead of Roy Curien as the antagonist we get some spanish padre who thinks he's Victor Frankenstein.
Miss: Hey Rudy, Liberty's being dogpiled by zombie, care to save her? No...just gonna stand there and watch her getting eaten alive? OK....asshole.
Miss: Rudy talking the fatally wounded Casper before she dies: "You saved us...." I don't know man there's still plenty of characters left to die. Kinda jumping the gun there buddy.
Real Talk: Karma talking to Simon: "What do you think is gonna happen to us?" You're all gonna die, next stupid question.
Sarcastic: *Simon and Karma share a romantic kiss.* Well I'm sure these two will survive through this. I truly believe these two make it out alive and not pointlessly sacrifice themselves near the end.
Miss: That was nice for Kirk to blow himself up along with a few zombies but couldn't he did that just a few more feet away from the one door that's keeping the zombies out?
Miss/Sarcastic: Oh no, Simon sacrificed himself by shooting a stockpile of gunpowder. Well I'm sure Karma can make it out, hopefully.
Miss: I don't care about these clips from the freaking game that keeps popping in this walkway through an underground scene. You not fooling anyone with this shit stain of a movie being accurate to the source material.
Miss: Oh no, Karma sacrificed herself by stupidly taking on a huge number of zombies. Just what was the point of hooking up these two if they just gonna die soon after. Oh wait that's right because the narration deem them dead men walking.
Miss: Rudy talking to Castillo: "You created it all so you could become immortal, why?" I think you've answered your own question, dude.
Miss: *Rudy/Alicia and Castillo final fight.* All these fast/slow rotating camera shots of the characters does not make this action scene any better. In fact it's rather annoying and pointless.
Miss: Alicia got stabbed square in the chest by Castillo yet somehow managed to get up long enough to curve stomp his head like a grape. And somehow somehow she's still alive after that. Looks like Paul WS Anderson isn't the only director who pulls bullshit out of their ass when it comes to lead female characters.
Miss: Oh now the AMS agents show up, a bit late to the party though.
