Miss: This film exist. And what does the title mean exactly? Dragonball Evolution, an evolution of what, I doubt it’s the evolution of the characters or the story.
Miss: Narration...
Miss: Grandpa Gohan: “First rule is there are no rules.”
Well it’s no wonder this movie fails so badly, completely ignoring the rules of the source material.
Hit: Here you go the only appearance of the Power Pole.
Miss: There’s no narrative reason to have Grandpa Gohan alive in this movie, especially since he’s gonna die later on. So the only reason why he’s here is to be a Discount Ben Kenobi/Uncle Ben.
Hit: Goku gets knock on his ass.
Miss: Goku: “Teach me how to be normal.”
You mean how to be a bland character? Don’t worry the writers got that covered.
Miss: Also this is pretty much the extent of Goku’s character, being a Discount Peter Parker/Jim Livingston.
Miss: I know they wanted to “modernized” Goku but it would’ve helped to have him in home school. Having him in high school makes him just like every other shitty high school stereotype from every other shitty high school movie.
Miss: Out of all the things Goku faced over the years (an evil army, a demon king, a mercenary, aliens, androids, gods, an evil doppelganger, fighters from different universes). All of whom really pushed Goku to his limits and beyond. But in this movie… (Sarcastic)Oh no, high school bullies! How will Goku ever gonna make it?! Oh dear me! (Real Talk)Man get the fuck out of here with that shit.
Miss: Hi obvious forced romantic inter….I mean Chi-Chi.
Miss: Goku, you’re not the Hulk so stop making that ugly ass angry face.
Miss: Previous on Final Fantasy. Seriously where the hell did Piccolo get this airship?
Miss: Also good job not establishing/explaining how Piccolo got out of the Mafuba. Details, what are those?
Miss: They just had to drag James Marsters in to this movie.
Hit: Also James Marsters.
Miss: Piccolo unleashed an energy ball that can take down a city block. But upon closer look at this village there are some survivors. Sorry but there should be NO ONE left after that blast. Nappa ought to teach this guy how it’s done.
Miss: I’m not buying that this Asian chick is Mai from the original series. For one her name isn’t mentioned once through the whole movie. So I’m gonna call her Asian Power Girl….for obvious reasons.
Miss: “Goku creepily stares at Chi-Chi” This isn’t a creepy scene at all and that Goku isn’t a fucking creeper.
Miss: Goku: “My grandpa would say beware of the Nameks”
And how exactly does Gohan know about the Namekians? Did he used to travel with the Doctor? This movie’s supposed to be based from the original series, as in before the whole Goku and Piccolo are aliens bit was established. I know this movie’s trying to get to the DBZ portion of the series, but its gotta shit ton of story arcs before getting to that point.
Miss: Also there was only ONE Namekian who was destroying the earth not an entire race. Were you even paying attention to the narration?
Miss: This is what the writers thought when it came to developing Chi-Chi. “Oh let’s have her know what Ki is therefore the audience doesn’t get the idea that she’s completely meaningless to the story. GENIUS!”
Miss: Also this is what it took for Chi-Chi to have the hots for Goku, using Ki to open a locker. And let’s not forget that she already has a boyfriend prior to this scene. GREAT ROMANTIC WRITING RIGHT HERE PEOPLE!
Miss: Also, also awkward Goku/Chi-Chi conversation.
Miss: Oh yes Goku, go right ahead and leave your grandpa without even letting him know where you're going. And on your own Birthday while he’s being slaving away in the kitchen no less. What an asshole.
Miss: I know I should be cheering for Goku as he gives the bullies their comeuppance but honestly he should’ve done it ages ago.
Miss: Goku’s rapey smile.
Miss: Well would you look at this, the moon is full yet Goku’s not transforming into a great ape. Granted he has no tail for him to do so but still a miss.
Miss: Goku: “My grandpa said he’ll explain everything when I’m 18 and I’m 18.”
Yet here you are at some hot chick’s house trying to tap that said hot chick’s ass. Again what an asshole.
Hit: Gonna be honest here this little tussle between Grandpa Gohan and Asian Power Girl was OK. Just don’t get your hopes on the other fight scenes later on.
Miss: Oh hey Piccolo, haven’t seen you in while, I honestly forgot that you were in this movie.
Miss: Wasn’t kidding about Gohan being Discount Ben Kenobi now that Piccolo pulls a Discount Darth Vader on him.
Hit: Chi-Chi cleavage shot, hey I’m trying to give this movie some good points. Take it or leave it.
Miss: Yeah, movie if you’re trying to make me feel sad for Goku of losing his grandpa, it’s not working.
Miss: A few minutes after being introduced and I already have a couple of problems with this Bulma. Firstly she has no knowledge of what the Dragonballs are, what they do and apparently what they’re called.
Miss: And secondly why does she even need the Dragonballs to create free energy? She’s a technological genius; she can just build that shit if she wanted to. Clear example of a meaningless character motivation.
Miss: Nice to see the Dragon Radar, sadly it’ll only serve its purpose whenever the plot calls for it. Enjoy!
Miss: Master Roshi’s place is some broking down house in a generic city. Because that’s where he truly lives instead of a house on a tiny island in the middle of the ocean.
Miss: They just had to drag Chow Yun Fat in to this movie.
Hit: Also Chow Yun Fat.
Hit: Seeing asshole Goku getting beat up by Roshi is pretty hilarious.
Miss: Now why did Roshi’s Dragonball gave Goku visions of what’s coming? I don’t think this was ever established in the original. Nor has it been established of one Dragonball gives you the power to sense the others.
Real Talk: And if these Dragonballs can imbue someone with DB senses then what’s the point of Bulma’s Radar in general?
Miss: Roshi mentions Airbending…. Airbending, a concept from a completely different series that has ZERO contexts within the rules of the Dragonball Mythos. I fail to understand what the writers were doing aside from insulting the audiences’ intelligence.
Hit: CHI-CHI SMASH!
Miss: Chi-Chi: “I heard about your grandfather’s accident, I’m so sorry.”
And how/when exactly did you “heard” about that? It’s not like we’re shown Goku telling the school about it. And it’s not like he Facebook/Twitter that shit.
Miss: Roshi: “I can’t train you here, my Ki is shriveling up”
Get it…it’s a double entendre…because he was also referring to his dick! GET IT!
Miss: But seriously though, what kind of a dumbass screenwriter has characters go to some random ass place (the Stone Temple) that doesn’t even affect the overall story? Could’ve easily skipped this scene and nothing of value would’ve been lost. Not that this movie had anything of value to lose to begin with.
Miss: Bulma: “At least it won’t be a total waste, got a signal from a Dragonball”
Then why didn’t your radar get a signal before you guys came to the temple of pointless? See what I mean by the radar only works whenever the plot calls for it?
Hit: And here you go, the only scene of Master Roshi wearing his sunglasses.
Miss: Also fuck this scene for ripping off the lifting a rock while upside down scene from Empire Strikes Back.
Miss: Goku and the others unknowingly fall in to a hole…. The fuck is this, Pokemon?!
Miss: First appearance of Yamcha yet he and Goku don’t even fight each other.
Real Talk: And say what you want about Yamcha but at least he’s not a complete pussy all time. And at least when shit got serious so did he.
Miss: Bulma: “You’re nothing but a low life bandit!”
That would be the real Yamcha you’re describing. This Yamcha on the other hand is some random blonde haired dude with zero characterization and motivation.
Miss: Oh that’s right, Piccolo’s in this movie. Guess I forgot again.
Miss: I’m gonna mention this right now; Piccolo has no real villain motivation. Just sits on his ass until the plot calls him to do something. Even his reasons for obtaining the Dragonballs are rather shallow. If all he wants is to destroy the world just have him keep blowing shit up until there’s nothing left. Or why not have him wish for immortality in case if there are any survivors they won’t live long enough to fuck with him.
Miss: Discount Minion Creatures from every Power Rangers show you’ve ever seen.
Miss: These creatures can regenerate upon damage yet immediately throwing them in to a pit of lava stops them completely. Gotta give credit to the writers when it comes to not giving a shit at creating intense action scenes.
Hit: Goku gets a surprise kick to the face from Asian Power Girl.
Real Talk: Goku: “I need to find a way to stop Ozaru.”
OK…how about killing yourself.
Miss: They just had to drag Erine Hudson in to this movie.
Hit: Also Erine Hudson.
Miss: The World Martial Arts Tournament is shown but has no importance with the story.
Miss: So despite learning from Roshi and Gohan all it took for Goku to learn channel his Ki proper was Chi-Chi essentially offering herself. Because the power of boners will always prevail.
Miss: Asian Power Girl can shapeshift with no explanation of how.
Hit: Chi-Chi vs Chi-Chi.
Hit: Goku gets shot in the face and almost dies.
Miss: Roshi uses the Kamehameha Wave to revive Goku, because that’s how concussive Ki blast work. And I’m aware that in the series Ki energy can be transfer from one character to the next. The problem is the Kamehameha Wave has never been known to do that. So unless Goku is a Ki blast absorbing android he should be all dead.
Miss: Also fuck this movie for not establishing the Senzu Beans.
Miss: Roshi mentions the “Dragon Temple”, a location that has never been brought up until now. Me sense shitty plot contrivance in this one.
Miss: And why even go to some random ass place in order to summon Shen Long? I’m pretty sure Piccolo can summon the dragon anywhere he wants now.
Miss: Now how exactly does Piccolo know that Goku’s from space or that he was “hiding” among us humans? Or that Goku is this Ozaru? Remember, Piccolo was in an evil containment jar for 2,000 years. So unless he got out 18 years prior to Goku’s arrival on Earth this makes no sense and stupid.
Miss: Ozaru in this movie is not a giant ape, how disappointing. And I’m not buying that Piccolo can control Ozaru Goku. Hell he couldn’t even handle Ozaru Gohan (in Dragonball Z).
Miss: Yamcha immediately gets knock on his ass by Ozaru Goku. The real Yamcha lasted a lot longer when he fought Ozaru Goku.
Miss: Bulma: “I had that under control.”
Sure you did Bulma, sure you did.
Miss: Goku vs Piccolo, lamest fight ever!
Miss: Goku: “I am Goku…I am Ozaru. To be one with myself I must be two.”
That makes no sense when you considered that you’re no Bruce Banner and Ozaru’s no Hulk. But I guess that’s the type of writing you get when no one gave a shit about the rules and continuity of the source material.
Miss: The overall series maybe goofy as hell but at least it doesn’t mess around when comes to physics. Because I find it impossible for Goku to be flying towards Piccolo while firing the Kamehameha Wave at the same damn time. More than likely he should be flying at the opposite direction.
Miss: Sorry but with a Ki blast explosion like that there should be nothing left of Piccolo. Or at the very least get scattered to pieces.
Miss: Shen Long’s rather tiny for a powerful wishing dragon.
Miss: Sure Goku, waste a wish on guy you knew for a week rather than wishing back the one person who raised you for years. Did I mention what an asshole Goku is?
Miss: Piccolo still alive…not that it matters due to this movie bombed in theaters to the point of the sequel getting canceled.
Hit: Also the sequel got canceled.
BONUS ROUND
Miss: Since this movie’s world had no anthropomorphic creature meaning there was no Oolong, no Puar, no Korin. Not even Turtle’s in the movie.
Miss: Every location in the Dragon Ball series has their own unique look and feel throughout the stories. Whereas the locations in this movie came off as being bland, generic and forgettable.
Real Talk: This film is pure shit and I mean bad shit. Bad shit like the shit is bad, it’s shit shit, this shit isn’t worth shit. Now I’m aware that there are people who actually love this movie and may get pissed of the criticism I’ve given here. And if you are these people please feel free to defend Dragonball Evolution. But please be aware that I don’t have enough fucks to care.
