New Years Eve Review 2015

Project Almanac: It was decent, almost had a Chronicle vibe but still stands on its merits.

Kingsman: The Secret Service: Rather entertaining, silly at times but very entertaining. Also I'm giving the movie credit for introducing by far the most awesome character I've ever seen.

The Lazarus Effect: Although the movie would've been a little better without the predictable jump-scares it wasn't too bad. Originally I figured from the trailer where this movie was going but it proved me wrong, good job movie.

Chappie: I kept getting a Short Circuit vibe when watching this movie but I think it's a little better than Short Circuit with far more drama and realism.

Unfriended: Meh

Avengers Age of Ultron: Cut to the chase it's awesome go see it. Now there's scene at the end that had me at nerd-rage. This is not spoiler and this is not me hating on it nor implying that it ruins the movie because again it's awesome.
WHY, GODDAMN IT WHY COULDN'T THEY LET CAPT SAY THE LINE?! THEY HAD TO CUT TO BLACK IN THE MIDDLE OF CAPT SAYING THE LINE! JUST....JUST.....JUST......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Now again the movie was awesome.

Jurassic World: First off this was an entertaining movie; not as epic as the first one but far better than the third.
And now a pro tip to current and future filmmakers, if you're gonna have an a**hole character in your give us a reason they're an a**hole. Don't have them be that way for the sake of it and then force the audience to care for them. Also don't introduce a sub-plot that won't have a conclusion at the end.

Terminator Genisys: it's OK, although it could do without the scene after the end-credits.

Ant Man: Really good, not once it didn't disappoint. I was really impress with the de-aging effect on Michael Douglas; a nice step up from Tron Legacy.

Star Wars The Force Awakens: Up two thumbs this movie I give.

Happy New Year

Everyone IS ready for a female superhero movie but everyone ISN’T ready for is a piss-poorly made one.

I’m probably gonna get a lot of hate from what I’m about to say, but I gotta say it. People are complaining about why aren’t there any female superhero movies (specifically from Marvel and DC). But frankly I think their complaints are far misplaced; what they should be complaining is why there aren’t any GOOD female superhero movies. I mean I’m all for a Black Widow movie or a Wonder Woman movie or a Power Girl movie or (possibly) a Wasp movie. But more importantly I’m all for a GOOD Black Widow movie and a GOOD Wonder Woman movie and a GOOD Wasp movie. Because let’s be honest movies like Supergirl (1984) and Catwoman (starting Halle Berry) were ungodly terrible whether in writing or the acting. What bothers me is that people has this go to explanation of why there aren’t any female superhero movies or why people don’t like them is because “oh well people just aren’t ready for a female superhero movie”. Which I respectfully disagree with that shallow explanation. Everyone IS ready for a female superhero movie but everyone ISN’T ready for is a piss-poorly made one. So whenever a female superhero movie comes around it’ll have the same probabilities of sucking as do any male superhero movie. Not because “people aren’t ready for a female superhero” but because of how the writing is or what direction of the movie is going or what it’s doing.

The Film Vindicator Review: Drop Zone

We open on two U.S. Marshals, Pete Nessip (played by Wesley Snipes) and his brother Terry Nessip (played by Malcolm-Jamal Warner). They arrived at a penitentiary to pick up an Earl Leedy (played by Michael Jeter) whose specialty is hiding money for drug lords via computer. Pete and Terry were to escort Leedy to a penitentiary in Atlanta in order to testify in court. Though I would question why they escort him on passenger airline instead of a private jet? I mean have these guys ever watch Passenger 57? Seriously this movie came out two years after Passenger 57 so you would think Wesley would know better than to escort a criminal on a plane fill with potential hostages. Anyway while the plane’s en route to Atlanta, Pete is call to the cockpit listening to a message that says plane will be taken over. Meanwhile back in the passenger section we see five people gearing up with gas masks and guns and proceed to take over the plane. Terry quickly gets his gun as one of the hijackers approaches towards him; he’s about to shoot the hijacker but gets shot in the shoulder. Leedy is grabbed by the other hijacker as the remaining hijackers prep explosives on the rear airlock door. Terry soon recovers and shoots the first hijacker in the back only to be ineffective. The first hijacker is about to shoot Terry but Pete quickly tackles him down from behind. The first hijacker gives the order to blow the airlock door causing the plane to malfunction. In amidst the chaos the five hijacker make their exit out through the blown off airlock door. However, one of the hijackers was unmasked by a little girl before exiting the plane. Right after a few passengers are sucked out of the plane; the little girl is about to sucked out but is saved and pulled to safety by Terry. Unfortunately Terry gets caught in the vacuum and is about to get sucked. Pete quickly grabs Terry trying to pull him to safety but soon loses his grip. Pete tries to hang on as long as he can but eventually lost his grip and Terry sucked out of the plane.

Cut to the plane safely on the ground as Pete’s boss Tom McCracken (played by Andy Romano) arrived at the scene to get some details of what happened. The FBI is going through the airline records to find the identities of the hijackers. However, their computers start to crash and shut down. Pete suspects that it’s Leedy and that the attack on the plane was a setup; more exactly it was a prison break. The FBI are skeptical about it given how it’s unclear how the hijackers got out of the plane with Leedy. Pete believes that they may be using parachutes but still doesn’t convince the FBI as they got a call from a confirmation of what remains of Leedy. Cut to a boat house as the same hijackers from the plane show up along with a still alive Leedy (just missing a finger). Ty Moncrief (played by Gary Busey) seems to be the leader of this bunch. Cut to Pete’s place as McCracken shows up; Pete figures out where the hijackers may have but doesn’t matter as McCracken ask him for his badge and gun. Apparently the U.S. Marshal board of reviews are determine Pete’s and Terry’s responsibility of the accident. FAA and the airlines are having a shitstorm with the press and the relatives of the dead passengers; pointing fingers at Pete and Terry. So yeah forget about the five armed guys who took over a plane and killed a few people. Blame the only two guys who were doing their job.

This doesn’t stop Pete to investigate deeper as he goes to a paratrooper training camp the very next day. Learning from a CO that it’s possible to jump out of 747 but at 38,000 ft would be insanely unlikely. Another improbability is that most parachute rigs have high density metal; making it impossible for the hijackers to get pass the metal detectors. The CO gives Pete some info on two skydivers crazy enough to pull something like the mid-air prison break. Don Jagger (played by Luca Bercovici), a world campion skydiver and his old partner Jessie Crossman (played by Yancy Butler). Pete heads to a skydiving ranch in Sugarloaf Florida where Jessie holds skydiving tours. He finds a picture of Jagger (the same guy who was unmasked by the little girl) and hides it away before Jessie shows up. Upon meeting with Jessie right away she suspects that he’s a cop. Pete asked if it’s possible to skydive from a 747 but Jessie avoids the question. She invites him along the next jump for today; Jessie and Pete are in the air as a couple of people make their jump. Jessie explains how the wind forces the bodies open at 80 knots; a 747 at 800 knot would’ve required skill to avoid being ripped apart. Pete makes sly comment about skill which pisses off Jessie that she opens a trap door under him. Jessie follows suit, catches up with Pete and deploys her parachute. Both land safely on the ground but Pete is rather mad that punches Jessie and walks away. As Pete’s about to leave he’s approach by Jessie’s friends Selkirk (played by Corin Nemec) and Winona (played by Grace Zabriskie). He asked where he can find Jagger and Selkirk informs him about a big jump at Ocean Reef.

Cut to Ty and his gang doing a practice jump with Leedy; whatever they’re planning on breaking into they want him to handle the jump so he can hack into a computer within seconds. Cut to Pete talking to the little girl from the plane, asking if she remembers anything of what happened. She struggles at first but soon remembers bits and pieces; Pete pulls out the photo of Jagger and she quickly recognizes him. Pete got what he wants and leaves but is unaware of one of the detectives reporting to Ty. A little bit later Ty and his gang do another practice jump; after they deployed their parachutes Ty grabs Jagger’s chute and drags him down. Forcing Jagger towards a power station, lands on transformer and gets electrocuted to death. Cut to nighttime as Pete arrives at Ocean Reef and immediately he has rattled some cages by sitting in a table belonging to a group of Skydivers. The skydivers are about to beat him up but Pete does a bit of ass kicking of his own. Jessie soon arrives to stop the fight; she comes to a bit of a hiccup that Pete might fix. There’s big exhibition jump is coming up in Washington D.C. next weekend. However, her parole officer won’t let her go; meaning that without her Pete can’t learn anyway else on skydiving. So he has to square things up with the PO; also he has to pay her $15,000. Shortly after there’s a toast to a fallen skydiver that “burn in” (or crash landed to their death as it were). And it turned out Jagger who burn in. The next day Ty is at meeting with some client who are interesting to his offer. However, they’re a little concern about him since he used to be a DEA agent. Apparently he was honorably discharged eight months ago. So Ty decides to shows some good faith by doing a job free of charge. Cut to nighttime as Ty and crew parachute jump onto the roof of the Miami Metropolitan Police Dept. Inside the building Ty and Leedy head to the records room while the rest head to the evidence locker to gather some drugs. Leedy hacks into the system and gains access to the DEA personnel database; downloading records of undercover agents in Miami. Upon finishing up Ty and crew quickly make it back up to the roof and parachute down onto the waiting semi-truck landing pad below.

Cut to next day at Key Largo, Florida where Jessie and Pete almost have a team together. They just need to find one more and his name is Swoop (played by Kyle Secor). Jessie and Pete are at an office building, finding Swoop on a window washer rig. They offered him to join their team but he’ll join if he gets a free t-shirt….don’t ask. They come to an agreement and Swoop is now on the team. Cut to nighttime as Jessie sneaks into a storage building where Jagger’s rig is kept for inspection. She founds nothing faulty with the parachute as Pete shows up; he noticed that the D-links aren’t metal. Jessie explains that Jagger’s parachute is a smuggler’s rig made out of custom high density fabric; basically it’s what drug runners use to avoid radar. Pete suspects this is how Ty and his gang got the parachutes on the plane undetected. He cuts a piece of nylon from the rig before the two leave which Pete then sends the nylon to a friend at U.S. Marshals to get examined. Skipping a couple scenes we cut to Ty at a meeting with a client who’ll accept his services. Ty insures that once they’ve hacked into the DEA computers they’ll know every update the agency will make; having the names of every undercover agent in the world. The client will have the names delivered to him by July 5th.

Cut to “Drop Zone” in D.C. Jessie’s team and other skydivers are jumping to qualify for the July 4th jump. Before Jessie’s team head out, Selkirk gets accosted by one of Ty’s men, Torski (played by Sam Hennings). Thankfully this doesn’t go unpunished when both Jessie’s and Ty’s team are skydiving and Swoop does a “gift wrap” on Torski; both teams qualified for the July 4th jump. Cut to nighttime Torski is still pissed at Swoop that he, Deputy Dog (played by Robert LaSardo) and Deuce (played by Mickey Jones) go off to beat him up. Soon after Pete intervenes and beats the fuck out of them. A little later Pete asked Jessie about Ty: explains that He and Jagger did some drug carries three years ago. Pete is curious of why Ty would risk showing himself in D.C. Jessie explains that the 4th of July exhibition is such a large event that D.C. is a drop zone; any other day it’s a restricted airspace. Pete looks at a map marked with drop zone near the Washington Monument. After Pete leaves he’s identified by Leedy and Ty decides to ground the team by eliminating Jessie. Deputy Dog and Deuce sneak into Jessie’s trailer, finds her parachute and cuts the chute cord. The next day the qualified jumpers set off for demo jump. Selkirk is worry that he might screw up so Jessie decides to give him her rig for luck. Uh oh! All teams are in the air and make their demo jump for tonight; the demo goes well and all except Selkirk open their chutes. Selkirk opens his chute but it doesn’t deploy fully and gets all tangled up. Still falling to the earth Selkirk manages to cut off the faulty chute but is unable to deploy the secondary chute. Swoop cuts off from his chute and speeds towards Selkirk; he manage to reach him and manually deploys the chute. But it seems all too late as Selkirk crash lands into a lake. Jessie and the others got him out of the lake and try to revive him; luckily he starts to breath. Jessie spots Torski smirking of what happened; realizing who’s responsible she runs to her trailer and gets her gun.

Pete soon arrives only to spot Leedy boarding a plane with Ty and his gang. Swoop and the others are waiting for Jessie as Ty’s plane takes off. Pete shows up at Jessie’s plane asking Winona stating they’re going after Ty; Swoop and another team member, Bobby (played by Rex Linn) decide to join Pete. Cut to the Washington Monument where the 4th of July exhibition has begun; Ty’s gang sneakily stays behind as the other skydivers make their jump. Soon after Jessie (who was hiding on the plane) appears with her gun, ready to shoot the first douchebag in sight. Ty distracts her long enough to get the gun away from her. Jessie shows some serious brass balls by jumping out of the plane only to grab on to a foot rail. Pete and the others are searching for Ty’s plane; he suspects that Ty’s gang is heading to the DEA building near the drop zone. As Ty’s gang make their jump to the DEA building Pete and others have caught up with the plane. Pete grabs a chute and jumps out after Jessie; Swoop and Bobby follow suit. Jessie catches up with Pete and grabs on to him. At the DEA building Ty’s gang bypass the camera system and make their way to the computer room on the 20th floor. Pete and the others landed on the roof of the building and make their way inside. But Deputy Dog appears out of the roof entrance and shoots Bobby in the shoulder. Pete immediately attacks DD and the two are fighting near the stairway. They continue to fight until the two are tumbling down the stairs; DD ends up dead as he breaks his neck. Back on the roof Jessie gets into a window washer rig and rides it on down. However, Jessie gets spotted by Kara (played by Claire Stansfield) as she opens fire. Jessie swings into the building and squares off with Kara. Jessie gets the upper hand and kills Kara by face to the photo copier; soon after Ty gets the drop on Jessie.

Back on the roof Swoop tries to call for Jessie but almost gets shot by Torski. The two have a fight until Torski tries to throw Swoop off the roof. Struggling to hang on Swoop grabs a rope and wraps it around Torski’s neck while Bobby managed to sneak up on him and deploys his chute. Torski is dragged by the chute and eventually dies when his neck snapped. Back inside Pete makes it to the computer room and corners Leedy; Ty soon arrives with Jessie and a standoff ensues. Armed security arrived and a gunfight ensues; both guards are gun down by Ty. Cut to outside as Deuce sees some cops arriving at the building and tries to drive away. Back inside Pete and Ty exchange gunfire over a workstation until they’ve both ran out of bullets. So now the two enter into an intense fist fight; Pete decides to go fuck all as he carries Ty through a window. Pete deploys his secondary chute while Ty has a one way trip to hell as he SOMEWHERE crashes right into Deuce’s truck and presumably dies. I say presumably because the truck doesn’t even lose control and crashes nor doesn’t it explode. All seems over minutes later but Pete spots Leedy getting away; Swoop SOMEWHERE spots Leedy from a VERY TALL BUILDING, parachutes down and stops him. And with that the movie just ends.

My Final Verdict: As far as good, cheesy action films go this one doesn’t spare no expense in the cheese department. Nice concept honestly, the action scenes were well choreographed. The music just kicks ass of 90s cheese. The acting is decent; campy at times but decent. The green screen effects for those close-up freefall shots are a little meh but that’s no surprise giving what year this film was made.

Next time might gonna be a real endurance test as I dive into….an Asylum movie, to be more specific Mercenaries. Stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Killer Mermaid

Dear god I’m so tired of this. Why do I keep coming across movies with interesting titles only for these movies to be full of disappointments and the titles full of lies? It was bad enough with Speed of Thought on how ungodly boring it was despite the awesome yet deceiving title. But with Killer Mermaid it really makes the pain more permanent; oh whatever let’s get this shit over with.

We open on….a quote from Moby Dick, not sure what that has to do with this movie but OK. After the opening credits we cut to nighttime on a happy couple vacationing in Montenegro. They start making out until the boyfriend hears something from the ocean. Appearing to be mesmerized, the boyfriend jumps into the oceans; under the water the boyfriend sees something and panics. Back on the surface the girlfriend sees him struggling to get out and screams for help. The boyfriend seems to be pulled back under the water and presumably dies. The girlfriend continues to scream for help as a mystery figure walks up towards her and dies by a hook through the neck.

Cut to next day in Montenegro we’re introduced to Kelly (played by Kristina Klebe) and her friend Lucy (played by Natalie Burn). They’re waiting for a college friend to join them as he arrives; Alex (played by Slobodan Stefanovic) accompanied by his fiancée Yasmin (played by Sofija Rajovic). As Alex and Yasmin head to his boat Kelly seems to be hesitate to walk near the water; as if she’s afraid of it. Lucy helps her through it and the four head out to Alex’s place. Now just to get this out of the way as they arrived they come across a Quint-looking dude named Niko (played by Django himself Franco Nero) He shows some importance the plot but waaaaaaaay later. At Alex’s place they catch on old times back in college; Yasmin seems to be pushing what he and Lucy were back then. Just to throw this out for the sake of time Lucy and Alex used to be a couple back in college. A little bit later when things die down Lucy is accompanied by Alex. He asked her why Kelly’s acting strange near water; Lucy replies that when Kelly was ten years old her brother was drowning. She ran to get help but he already died by the time she came back. The two continue talking until Alex decides to straight-up kiss Lucy while she’s not even showing any ounce of protest. Wow Alex you are so faithful to your fiancée and Lucy you sure are a really good friend. Now I’m hoping that the both of you die at this point; this is a good start of making me give a shit for these characters.

Cut to some drunken tourist dude who randomly takes a piss on the pier until he’s killed by the mystery figure from earlier. You when you’re making a movie that has Killer [X] in its title but have something else doing the killing, that’s a sign for you to stop and try again. Cut to morning Kelly and the others head in Alex’s boat as Niko is just standing on the pier watching them sailing away. And SPOILER ALERT no he’s not the mystery figure who’s been killing people; just thought I spare you the obvious red-herring, you’re welcome. Out at sea the four are to an abandon military base that used to be an old submarine tunnel. Kelly spots an island a few miles away from the base, Mamula; an abandon prison island. They anchored near the tunnel and gone for a dip; Kelly remains on the boat as she spots some fisherman on the pier of the base who then just walks away. Yasmin panics as thinks something just grabbed her but it’s just an obvious fake scare as some random dude appears out of the water. Apparently he’s a friend of Yasmin’s named Boban (played by Dragan Micanovic). Back on land the five are having drinks until Kelly brings Mamula; Boban suggest they should go there. Alex agrees but only they use Boban’s boat. And right then Niko is at the next table warning them to stay away from Mamula. Basically he’s the Crazy Ralph of this movie; he mentions a creature called the Scylla and that she killed six men from his hollowed ship. You know this guy’s story about Mamula and the Scylla sounds far more interesting than what’s going on in this movie. And that’s never a good sign in any movie. Anyway after he leaves Kelly asked who he was; Boban replies that he’s been around town asking if anyone seen his daughter. He shows her a flier that Niko’s been posting; it’s the same woman from the start of the movie. Well that sucked.

The next day the five arrived at Mamula and made it shore; they take wonder on the island until Kelly spots the fisherman heading to the yard. Boban thinks they should follow him and all agree. Keeping out of sight they follow the fisherman to the yard where he starts dumping something down a well. Upon a closer look it turns out to be severed hands and blood. Kelly and Yasmin want to leave but Boban wants Kelly to go down into the well and take pictures. For what reason besides being a dipshit, no clue. Kelly, Alex and Boban head to the well while Lucy and Yasmin stay behind. Ugh why not have the two gone back to the boat, just in case? At the well Kelly takes a picture inside, getting a picture of a woman at the bottom of the well. The three hears a gunshot and ran back to the others; all five ran back to the boat only to find it damaged by the fisherman armed with a double-barrel shotgun. The fisherman opens fire on the five as ran back to the prison; the fisherman soon follows. I’m sorry but when you have some random fisherman guy chasing after people instead of oh I don’t know THE KILLER MERMAID, you failed. It’s just that a random fisherman dude is not scary it’s disappointing; especially when you have a much better killer (that is barely seen so far). Also if I want to watch a killer fisherman I’ll stick to I Know What You Did Last Summer. Except no not really because that movie sucked ass and its sequels….zombie fisherman what the fuck. The five spit up as the fisherman continues to chase them; Alex and Kelly to get away. Boban, Lucy and Yasmin are being hunted by the fisherman until Boban gets the drop on him and takes his gun. Unfortunately the gun’s empty as the fisherman pulls out a knife and cuts Boban on the leg. Boban tells Lucy and Yasmin to run as he runs away from the fisherman.

A little bit later Kelly and Alex stop to catch their breath; Alex wants to find a way out but Kelly wants to find the others, including the woman in the well. The fisherman continues following Boban but lost him as Boban hides under water and swims away. Cut to Kelly and Alex deep within the prison complex searching for the others. Alex starts acting rather strangely saying that he’s hearing something singing; thinking that it might be the woman in the well as they continue on. Soon after Boban catches up with Lucy and Yasmin, they follow the fisherman his hangout. Back at the prison complex Kelly lost Alex somehow but quickly finds him at a sealed door; they both see the woman behind the door. Alex starts to get very obsessive on getting the door open as he keeps going on about hearing “that voice”. Kelly doesn’t hear a voice but does hear someone coming. Kelly tries to get him away but Alex gets rather hostile and continues to get the door open. Kelly spots the fisherman coming and decides to leave Alex behind. Alex managed to force the door open wide enough to squeeze through; inside the room he walks towards the woman and the movie just abruptly cuts to the next scene. Boban, Lucy and Yasmin are searching around the fisherman’s hideout while he’s gone. Aside from the bath tub full of blood and guts Lucy and Yasmin found a photo of the fisherman and Niko. I would do a BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUM but I already pointed out that Niko isn’t the killer. Boban finds a map of the prison as they hear something coming; it turns out to be Kelly running. She tells Yasmin that Alex is still back in the prison with the woman. They go to find a way including Yasmin who shows no ounce of concern for Alex; what a bitch. But it doesn’t matter as she gets a hook from behind and dies before she could catch up with the others.

The fisherman drags her back to his hideout and chops her head off. A little bit later the three head back to look for Yasmin but is confronted by the fisherman carrying her head as they ran off. Boban looks through the map finding a secret underground passage from the island to the mainland. But before they can go Kelly and Lucy head off to find a weapon to take out the fisherman while Boban behind by the well. As Kelly and Lucy head back they see Boban walking towards the well; behaving the same way as Alex. Luckily Kelly snaps him out of it by slapping him. They head to where Alex was and enter the room; they don’t see him anywhere but they do see the woman. Only to find out that she’s not a woman but a mermaid. Apparently it’s the Scylla Niko mentioned earlier. Boban walks closer to the Scylla unaware of the fisherman is right them; getting a hook to the shoulder. Boban quickly recovers and tries to fight off the fisherman. Lucy is grabbed from behind by the Scylla, pulled underwater and eventually drowns. Boban’s still struggling with the fisherman until he gets a small advantage and kills him with a hatchet. Kelly and Boban make a run to the entrance of the secret passage; making their way out of the prison. Meanwhile, the Scylla goes all white mage and revives the fisherman back to life. Cut to Kelly and Boban still moving in the passage as the fisherman pursues them. They make it to the exit but the door to the submarine tunnel is jam as the fisherman catches up to them. The door finally and the two got out only to find Niko on the other side as he slams the door. Niko takes them to his boat and make their back to the mainland.

Midway to the mainland Niko takes a break and the scene goes into plot-exposition mode. Niko tells them about three islands which people once believed where mermaids lived and Mamula is one of those three islands. The exposition continues when 30 years ago Niko and his six men were building the underwater passage beneath Mamula. That’s where they found the Scylla; all expect Niko were killed by her. The fisherman was one of Niko’s lieutenants whom thought was killed by the Scylla but instead she spares him. Being under her influence ever since; he has been doing certain things for her for 30 years. They make it back to the mainland but they’re not alone as the Scylla attacks. Niko grabs a spear gun and makes a direct hit, but the Scylla struggles to get away. Niko has Kelly to take a rope to land and pull the boat to shore; she makes it to shore before the Scylla gets her. However, they not all safe as the Scylla capsize the boat; Boban gets pulled under and dies. Niko makes it to shore but gets caught by the Scylla. Kelly grabs a spear then jumps into the water; impaling the Scylla. Kelly and Niko climb back to shore but the Scylla jumps to shore attacking Kelly. Niko stops her by….throwing a net on her…. I don’t know which is stupid that Niko thought to use the net first or the fact that the net actually worked. Anyway Niko grabs a spear, proceeds to randomly quote Moby Dick and stabs the Scylla to death. Movie if you wanted to be a Moby Dick film be a Moby Dick; you could’ve done a much better job than the Asylum. The fisherman shows up in time for the Scylla to die in his arms; but it’s not the end just yet. Niko and Kelly hear the sound of the Scylla’s sisters; pretty much more mermaids seeking vengeance. The movie ends with Niko declaring to kill all of them one by one, starting with the fisherman as slams the hook right into his head.

My Final Verdict: This movie is just underperforming and average for the most part; not only it’s boring it’s not scary. It’s like this movie is putting in the effort to be unexciting and weak. The characters have not much to show either; at no point I felt absolutely nothing for them. Well except for Niko at he shows some relevance to the plot. Even the mermaid was a bit underwhelming in the KILLER department; serious you don’t establish the movie’s antagonist just to have sitting on their ass. Or in her case wading on her flipper through the most part. Overall if you’re looking for a decent killer mermaid movie stick to She Creature (2001). Yeah I know it sucks but at least it had a mermaid that was killing people instead of some random dude.

Next time we take a sky dive on a movie that rivals Point Break in the game of Cheesy, Drop Zone. Stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Stan Lee's Lightspeed

You’ve probably figure it out from the title that Stan Lee had his hand in this movie. So you can imagine that there will be a lot of cheese and campiness here.

We open in an alley where a man finds some kind of snake-like humanoid. After the opening credits we cut to the Hollibrown Defense Contractors HQ as a group of Ghost Squad units arrived at the scene; lead by Tanner (played by the Six Million Dollar Man himself Lee Majors). Daniel Leight (played by Jason Connery) leads a small team into the building. Meanwhile, we cut to the snake-like humanoid (calling himself Python) and his comrade Tom Barcroft (played by K. C. Clyde) stealing some special isotopes. Along the way to the upper floors, Daniel’s team take out a few of Python’s armed men. A second team encounters more of Python’s men; taking out all but Barcroft who gets wounded. Daniel makes it to the vault and confronts Python only to be surprise that Python called him by name. The two started fighting but Python soon overpowers Daniel. Python announces that Daniel will pay for Anne’s death as he puts him into unconsciousness. Python and his remaining men make their leave before setting off a bomb which destroys most of the building. Back inside Daniel tries to get out but gets pinned by falling rubble. This triggers the movie to flashback four years earlier; cutting to Daniel and his friend Dr. Edward Bartlett (played by Daniel Goddard). Bartlett is working with genetic hybrid snakes to create some kind of special healing skin. These skins produced by the molting of the snakes possess stem cells DNA which applied on a damaged tissue of a person allows that tissue to heal. The purpose of his work is to help people with severe burn injuries but most importantly to help his sister Anne…..hmmmmm.

Bartlett is having problems with the government cutting back on his funding. Daniel offers to help by contacting a senator friend to provide more money. Bartlett goes to visits his sister at the hospital where he’s soon joined by Anne’s husband Barcroft….hmmmmm. Cut to Daniel making a call to his senator friend Paul Davis (played by James Jamison) asking to help Bartlett with more funding. However, Davis tells that they decided to shut his project down and to notify him. Daniel decides to tell him but Bartlett doesn’t take the news all too well. More bad news for Bartlett as his sister just died and his lab is now off limits. But that doesn’t stop him as he sneaks back into the lab later that night. Completely distraught of his equipment being dismantle and storage he accidently starts a fire. Bartlett tries to it out but gets burned in the process; he decides to enter his machine to heal himself but a chain reaction has compromise his DNA. Changing him into something else; something very deadly. Yeah if it wasn’t obvious like a punch to the balls, Bartlett is Python. Cut to present day Daniel is found and dug out of the rubble of the building. At the hospital a doctor informs Tanner that Daniel’s lower pelvis and legs are crushed. Replacing them titanium/platinum alloy hips, knees and 37 screws; the doctor also suggested an experimental chemical/radiation procedure to help Daniel heal quicker. Cut to nighttime as Python and his men arrived at the hospital to get Barcroft. But not before Python attempts to kill Daniel by increasing the radiation projector. Dude why don’t you just shoot him, or stab him or anything man? What makes you think that he’s not gonna gain superpowers and come kick your ass? Anyway as Python and his men make their leave with Barcroft, Daniel awakens and struggles to shut off the projector until he managed as such.

The next day Daniel seems to have survived the radiation without noticeable side-effects. His injuries are healing faster than expected but he still requires going under months of physical therapy. Daniel informs Beth (played by Nicole Eggert) that Python is Bartlett but she’s skeptical that Bartlett had anything to do with what’s going on. So she heads off to find the connection; woman he just told who’s behind all of this and why he’s doing so. What connection is there to find? The movie cuts into a physical therapy montage as Daniel is making fast progress. Afterwards Daniel is moved to a safehouse for further recovering; with some help from Beth. A little later Daniel is sitting outside being pestered by a mosquito. All of sudden Daniel seems to be moving so fast that he caught the mosquito. Out of curiosity Daniel decides to go for a quick run; quite literally as he has incredible super speed. He runs back to the safehouse but suddenly gets so tired that he passes out. Daniel awakes at the hospital; informed that he suffered an acute metabolic stimulation. The radiation may have altered Daniel’s metabolism that his resting blood pressure has increased. His muscles and bone are improving much faster than expected just that the rest of his body hasn’t catch up yet. The doctor gives Daniel vials of a blue fluid that will stabilize his metabolism and a syringe of adrenaline in case of stroke or a heart attack. Cut to Python’s hideout as his generals go over Operation Firesky; Barcroft points out a prototype Mass Ionic Field Disburser at an AF Compound. Apparently it’s an important component to their operation of creating some type of Firesky bomb. Back at the hospital Daniel goes to test his newfound powers. Daniel ends up at sports store where he….you ready for this….gets his costume. A blue, skintight aerodynamic ski suit to withstand the amount of speed while he’s running, some type of ski mask to protect his face from wind burns and some wrestling boots. Although these things ACTUALLY work it just that coming to regular sports store to acquire a superhero outfit so ri-goddamn-diculous it would make every speedster in the DC universe face-palm in unison.

Anyway Daniel tries the…..eh outfit as he arrives at a convenient store being robbed. Daniel quickly disarms and takes out the robbers as police soon arrived at the scene. One of the robbers makes to the roof of the store….no idea why since there’s nowhere to go. Daniel soon follows him, trying to reason with him but the robber gets frighten that he accidently falls off the roof. Apparently dying instantly upon falling on a police car. Daniel returns to the hospital as Beth was wondering where he were; she comes up with no connection between Python and Bartlett. She can’t do much of anything without any evidence before going to Tanner. Cut to the AF Compound where the Mass Ionic Field Disburser is being tested. Basically it manipulates greenhouse gases in the atmosphere or in this case decreasing warm temperatures with an isotope which causes that decrease. However, there’s an opposite isotope that causes rising temperature; the same isotope that Python stolen. Little do the demonstrators know that Python is right outside waiting to the moment to make his move. Cut to Ghost Squad HQ as Daniel arrives; Tanner gets a signal from a tracker implanted in Barcroft’s neck. The squad heads out to the AF Compound but Daniel is ordered to stay behind to further recover. That doesn’t last for long as he quickly gears up and heads to the compound. Back at the AF Compound Python and his men began their raid on the complex; they’ve obtained the Field Disburser and replaced it with a replica. Python is soon confronted by Daniel and the two began to fight. As Python’s men exit the compound the Ghost Squad soon arrived and open fire on the men. Back inside the fight continues but soon ends rather disappointedly as Python overpower Daniel and leaves the compound. You know one would think with all that super-speed Daniel could’ve simply super-speed punch Python.

Away Python sets off some explosives as he makes his escape; Daniel spots Beth about to crush by debris but quickly moves her out of the way. Beth gets a good look at Daniel as he takes his blue fluid and Back at Ghost Squad HQ they brought in one of Python’s men for interrogation; the lackey doesn’t respond to their questions so they injected him with a truth serum. Cut to Python’s hideout as he’s informed of the lackey’s capture. He soon activates a failsafe implanted in the lackey; triggering some kind of kill switch that kills the lackey. A little bit later Python brings out Senator Davis from captivity, dowses him in gasoline and sets him on fire. Afterwards Barcroft looks up any info on Daniel and by that I mean he just brings up some random picture of Daniel and Beth on the computer. Cut to Daniel at the hospital as he tries to explain to Beth how he ended up with super-speed. Outside of Ghost Squad HQ one of Tanner’s men is taken by Python and is soon tortured for the location of Daniel’s safe house. He surrenders the location and Barcroft mostly kills him. Later Python drops off Tanner’s man at the front of Ghost Squad HQ; with his dying breath the man tells Tanner that Python knows where Daniel is. At the safe house Beth is already captured by Python; back at HQ Ghost Squads gear up and head to the safe house as Daniel soon arrives. He’s informed that the safe house has been compromised, immediately gears up and makes a dash to the safe house. Cut back to the safe house. Cut back to the safe house Python’s man are standing guard as he waits Daniel to show. Daniel arrives at the safe house and quickly takes out the guards. Python steps outside with Beth in tow and another fight break out between him and Daniel. Python once again over powers him and takes Beth away. Seriously Kid Flash has a better chance in fighting Vandal Savage than this guy. Why is he so pitiful? Whatever, Daniel leaves the safe house before the Ghost Squad arrives.

Daniel approaches Tanner demanding to be put back on the squad to hunt down Python and rescue Beth. Tanner denies that request on the counts that she’s been working for Python as a mole. Daniel doesn’t believe that she’s the mole but he continues no further with Tanner. The next day Daniel and Tanner gets a report on Beth’s transmitter and Python’s whereabouts in the capitol area of Washington DC. Daniel wants to get involve so Tanner has him on tactical duty. As the Ghost Squad is dispatched, Daniel makes it to the hideout where he meets with Python and Barcroft. And as usual in any low budget superhero movie the typical supervillain explains their master plan to the hero instead being smart and just kill them. In this case Python’s men had setup the Field Disburser somewhere in the DC area. When the time reaches 4:30PM the disburser will release the isotope and everyone within DC will be burned alive. As for Beth, she’s being held at a location close by the hideout (and I mean really close by) attached to a bomb. When the time reaches 4:30PM….KABOOOOOOOOOOOM! The Ghost Squad has arrived at the hideout and proceeds in taking down Python’s men. Python does the dumbest thing by telling Daniel where the disburser is. Daniel makes a dash to the disburser but Python believes he won’t reach in time. Python goes to a room where Beth was actually held and unties her; (told you she was really close by). He’s about to shoot her in the head but Barcroft stops him; not too thrilled about killing thousands of people. So disappointed in Barcroft, Python goes HULK SMASH until Barcroft dies. And then he just starts having a childish hissy fit; Doctor Doom he is not.

Meanwhile, Daniel makes it to the disburser in time and dismantles it; taking the isotope as he runs back to the hideout. Python is still having his hissy fit but thankfully Daniel shuts him up. Tanner arrives to at the scene only to reveal that he’s the real mole; why hell if I know. And it doesn’t seem to matter as Python shoots him (yet somehow a few seconds later Tanner just up and disappear). Daniel makes a run with Beth but his metabolism soon crashes after they made it out the door. He struggles to defend himself as Python attacks him; Beth tries to fend off Python but he’s just too strong. Daniel quickly gets an upper hand and jabs the isotope into Python; causing him to burst into flames and die. Daniel starts to have a stroke and stops breathing; Beth quickly takes the syringe, injects it into his chest and Daniel soon recovers. And the movie ends; just kinda comes to a stop.

My Final Verdict: It’s silly, it’s campy, it’s cheesy but it’s at least tolerably entertaining. The speed effects are rather impressive for a movie of this quality. The villain is no Loki but he’s still pretty menacing and a much better threat than fucking Piccolo from Dragon Ball Evolution.

Next time we’ll be looking into a recent movie that really disappointed me despite the interesting title. Stay tuned for my view on Killer Mermaid.

The Film Vindicator Review: Gen 13

Yes it’s a movie, it’s an hour and twenty-six minutes long, it has a beginning, middle and an end. It’s a movie. Gen 13 is based on an early 90s Wildstorm Comic of the same name created by Jim Lee, Brandon Choi and J Scott Campbell. Besides the DC/Wildstorm crossover story Dreamwar, I know next to nothing about Gen 13 so I am reviewing this completely blind.

We open at night as a family station wagon is driving away from a military attack chopper. The chopper soon opens fire, forcing the car off road and crash. The family safely got out of the burning car before it explodes but are cornered by the chopper. The chopper guns down the mother which pisses off the father that he psychically hulks out; destroying the chopper telekinetically. The father hands over the baby girl to his son, telling him to run and take care of his sister. Soon after another attack chopper arrives and guns down the father; the young boy stands in shock as we cut to the opening credits. Cut to a college dorm room as a young woman, Caitlin Fairchild (voiced by Alicia Witt) wakes up screaming; scaring her roommate. Soon after Caitlin panics as she realizes that she’s gonna be late for school and quickly gets dress. A little bit later Caitlin arrives at the campus only to be approached by a special agent from the National Security Committee. The agent explains that the NSC is recruiting promising young talents for a program called Project Genesis. And Caitlin is one of those talents based on the reputation of her father. Caitlin takes a flyer from the agent and considers the offer. After class Caitlin returns to her dorm only to find it locked due to her roommate having some college sex time. Caitlin decide take up on the offer earlier and who can blame her. If you got sick and tired of your roommates constantly fucking strangers while you’re locked outside you would go off to a better place too.

Later Caitlin is taken by helicopter to the Phoenix Base in the middle of a desert. There she meets with one of the base’s instructors Helga Kleinman (voiced by Cloris Leachman). A little bit later Caitlin gets an accidental dog pile from Percival “Grunge” Chang (voiced by Red Hot Chili Pepper member Flea) who was running from getting a shot. She then meets with Roxanne “Roxy” Spaulding (voiced by Elizabeth Daily). Cut to a training session of a Matthew Callahan (voiced by the Joker himself Mark Hamill). In the middle of the sparring the instructor head-butts Matthew which made him rather piss that he telekinetically breaks the instructor’s leg. Soon after Matthew gets a call from an Ivana Baiul (voiced by Lauren Lane); she wants him to keep an eye on Caitlin believing she may have great Gen-Factor potential. Apparently Caitlin is a progeny of a rogue Gen 12 who was a member of Team 7. After a short montage we cut to Caitlin in a training with Sarah Rainmaker (voiced by () ); Sarah has her on the ropes but Caitlin soon recovers and fights back until she wins. Upon winning the fight she starts to get a painful headache which does go away soon after. Cut to Caitlin’s room as she’s studying until a gas enters through a vent rendering her unconscious. A couple of armed men enter the room and place Caitlin in an incubation tube. Among with the other children Caitlin is taken to a chamber where they are going under some kind of procedure of the genetic kind. Ivana is notified of an in-coming military aircraft with an I/O (Internal Operations) clearance. She recognized it that it’s John Lynch approaching to the base. Cut to topside as Lynch (voiced by John de Lancie) arrives at the base to investigate any illegal experiments on the children. Ivana insures him that there aren’t any experiments going on only strictly observational purposes and are fully prepare for anything when emergencies arise.

We cut to the little boy from the start of the movie running away from soldiers. The soldiers close in on the boy and baby but he slips into a river and is carried downstream into a waterfall. The boy survives the waterfall but losses his baby sister on the way down. The little boy is capture by the soldiers soon after. Caitlin wakes from as the scenes, apparently she been having dreams of that event for quite some time. Cut to next day as Caitlin, Roxy and Grunge are getting lunch; Caitlin starts feeling very nauseous but Lynch catches her before she collapses. Lynch talks to Caitlin for a bit about how he served with her father. Cut to Ivana and Matthew watching Lynch on a closed circuit monitor. She worries that Lynch may gather enough evidence to shut down the project but Matthew is confident that once these children become Gen-Active nothing can stop them. Later at Caitlin’s room she starts getting a headache this a lot worst then before; she then starts puking on the floor. Caitlin tries to contact anyone one on the intercom but gets no response and decides to leave her room to find the infirmary. She stumbles upon a room called Comcore One and spots a file of her father Alex Fairchild. Caitlin looks deeper into the file, noticing something superhuman about father until she gets spooked by Roxy and Grunge. Soon after an armed guard arrives at Comcore One; Caitlin tries to explain but the guard backhands her. Looks like somebody keeps his pimp hand strong, huh? Grunge tries to attack the guard but he’s quickly knock down and the guard draws his gun him and Roxy. Caitlin soon recovers looking rather piss off; the guard is about to shoot her but Caitlin quickly takes the gun away and straights up Falcon Punches him into the incubation chamber. Caitlin continues to be in pain this time she’s undergoing some transformation; gaining muscle mass and increasing in size while Roxy and Grunge stand in shock and awe. A little bit more armed guards show up to subdue Caitlin but leads to no prevail as she breaks free and takes out most of the guards.

Caitlin and the others make their leave before anymore guards arrive. Soon after Matthew arrives and reports to Ivana on the situation; suspecting that one of the children has gone Gen-Active. Ivana has the rest of the children incapacitated and collected while sending out armed forces to capture Caitlin. Cut to some guards searching the locker as Caitlin, Roxy and Grunge are hiding in the air vent. Just long enough for the guards to leave the locker room. While Caitlin changes to some better clothes (her outfit from the comics) a couple of guards spot an open vent leading to the locker room. One of the guards drops a grenade into the vent; Caitlin quickly moves Roxy and Grunge out of the way before the grenade goes off. Matthew and some armed guards arrive at the locker room to find Roxy and Grunge unconscious. Meanwhile Caitlin wakes up at outside of the base after being blown into a shaft leading outside. She soon gets spotted by two aircraft patrols and runs away at impressively high speed. The patrols make an attempt to capture her but break free destroying one of them. The second patrol opens fire on Caitlin as she runs away again. The patrol gives chase until Caitlin throws a huge rock at him taking him out indefinitely. But it’s not over just yet as a Helga appears in a mech firing rockets at her. After Helga runs out of rockets Caitlin jumps at her head-on, causes her to make a rough landing. Helga grabs a boulder to crush her but Caitlin grabs hold on the boulder; causing Helga to fall off a cliff and come sliding down at the side of a mountain. Caitlin goes to check on Helga only to find her bruised up but alive and unconscious. Caitlin soon starts to sense a great disturbance in the force as in she feels Roxy in great pain. Evidentially a person who’s Gen-Active can psychic sense other Gen-Actives.

Cut to Roxy and Grunge being tortured by Ivana who’s demanding to know if they work for Lynch but doesn’t get the answer she’s expecting. Ivana gets a call from the control room about an unidentified formation that just appear on radar; mostly Lynch making a raid on the base. She heads back to the control room while Matthew stays behind continuing the interrogation. However, it would appear that Matthew has other plans for Roxy and Grunge. As it turns out he had some involvement of making Caitlin manifest her power. So now he’s going keep torturing them until their powers manifest as well. Back at topside interceptor jets are sent out while Caitlin who’s inside the mech is attempting to get pass the security but doesn’t get very far. Armed guards open fire on the mech but Caitlin recovers and throws the damaged mech at the guards. A tank soon arrives to attack her but she immediately charge right at it to tackle it; causing the tank to fire at a few jets. Back at the interrogation chamber Matthew continues torturing Grunge with no results of any manifestation. Roxy provokes Matthew which makes him stop torturing Grunge. Matthew (now calling himself Threshold) puts Roxy in a telekinetically hold and proceeds to torture her psychically. This makes Grunge very angry that he becomes Gen-Active; molecularly bonding with the metal restraints and taking on their properties. Grunge quickly frees himself and takes out Threshold, able to save Roxy in time. Caitlin tries to sneak back into the base but gets cornered by Ivana’s men who are ready to kill her. Roxy and Grunge makes the save via throwing tools. Caitlin starts taking out some of the guards until Grunge joins bonding with a steel pillar. He takes a few guards very impressively but gets shot from behind by a tank. Caitlin throws a guard’s helmet into the barrel of the tank as Ivana orders to fire. This somehow causes the tank to explode.

Roxy meets up with Caitlin as Ivana appears from the wreckage revealing her cybernetic arm. A fight breaks out with Ivana having the advantage over Caitlin. Ivana has Caitlin on the ropes until the recovered Grunge bonds with her cybernetic arm and breaks it; forcing Ivana to retreat. While Caitlin and the others are finding a way off the base Lynch and his men have infiltrated the Phoenix Base. Caitlin and the others spot a helicopter pilot and persuade him to fly them out. They almost made it out until they come across a red light in form of Threshold as he gives his best Joker laugh. We even get a nice Scanners moment as Threshold makes the pilot’s head explode. He then destroys the helicopter causing the three of them to fall to their death. Luckily however, Roxy’s powers manifested just in time; able to control gravity to stop their fall. Threshold is pleased to these three to have become Gen-Active. Long story short Threshold wants them to join him to destroy the government who murder their parents (who were all Gen 12s) and create a better society. But the three of them all refused so now Threshold offers them death instead. He tries some more Scanner tricks by entering their minds but Caitlin managed to repel his mental attack. Caitlin goes to attack Threshold but he dodges out of the way and Force pushes her right into Grunge. Threshold sets his sights on Roxy as she uses her power to throw objects at him. Threshold retaliates with a telekinetic blast but Roxy blocks it with a gravity field. Cut back to the base as Lynch is informed that all the Gen 13 children are gone leaving no choice but to evacuate the base. Back outside Roxy continues to block Threshold’s attacks. Grunge bonds with a rock asked Caitlin to do a Fastball Special at Threshold; tackling him down to a wall. Grunge is about to attack Threshold but gets Force pushed into a lake. Threshold does a Psycho Crusher towards Caitlin and Roxy but Caitlin counters with a Shoryuken. Grunge recovers and blasts Threshold with water after bonding with it. Roxy encases Threshold in a water bubble; just long enough to wear him out as Caitlin gets the drop on him.

Shortly thereafter, Lynch arrives putting a stop to this fight. Threshold wants to kill the three but Lynch stops him; telling him Caitlin is his sister. So it turns out that Threshold was that little boy and Caitlin was that baby. And apparently Caitlin’s been having his dreams. Lynch explains that after Threshold was taken away he found Caitlin down river and hid her away. When the project was no longer popular he returned Caitlin to her uncle. Back at the base with all the Gen 13 children safely evacuated to another location, Ivana activates the self-destruct destroying the Phoenix Base. Caitlin and the rest aboard the aircraft to the escape the explosion; Threshold decides to stay behind. Caitlin goes after him but he Force pushes her away from the destruction while Roxy pulls her into the aircraft. Presumably Threshold dies by the falling rocks. After the destruction of the base Lynch proposes that Caitlin and the others have the potential to make a positive change to the world with their powers; the three of all agree to join him. The movie ends with Caitlin asking Lynch about her father and Matthew.

My Final Verdict: For an animated movie that was made way back in 2000 this is an impressive movie. The animation is in good quality, the voice acting is decent if not pretty good. The action scenes weren’t disappointed to say the least and the story is self-explanatory and contain for the most part.

So yeah I think I’m in the mood for another guilty pleasure superhero movie. Next time it’s Lightspeed, stay tuned.

Toon Closet Review: Avengers: United They Stand

With Avengers 2: Age of Ultron coming out I figure I look into the first Avengers cartoon which premiered on Fox back in 1999. In this series the team’s roster is of Ant Man, Wasp, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, Falcon, Vision, Tigra and Wonder Man (who’s been gone for most of the series). Pretty much they went with the West Coast Avengers instead of the original team (Iron Man, Captain America and Thor). Oh they make an appearance (except for Thor)….ONLY FOR ONE EPISODE! This is really pitiful considering that these three are shown in the opening credits but evidentially they’re reduced to secondary cameos. Not saying that the show’s characters are bad just under-utilized; from the way the show handles they’re like the B-Squad of the Avengers. The show really smells of EXTREME 90s giving how some the characters are designed with such flashy armor which frankly is a moot design choice. Especially in episode 6 where the show implies that they’re practically useless without them. And what’s even more moot is how they’re wearing different armor in certain episodes. Clearly this is their way of advertising the toy line. This series just doesn’t feel it has arcing stories but more like a villain of the week plots. How the series end was lackluster with its unresolved cliffhangers such as how the Zodiac leader Taurus has claim a certain item to rule the world. Or when Wonder Man’s powers have gone out of whack it’s sorta revealed that Ultron was messing around with his molecular structure. For what reason, I don’t know.

The series never came back for a second season which unfortunately renders the cliffhangers to have no point to the story at all.

My Final Verdict: When I first saw this show I enjoyed as a kid but now with today’s take on the Avengers cartoons, this show just doesn’t carry the same torch as the current ones. Yes I’m including Avengers Assemble as a decent series; if you have your own opinions about the show go with it. Point is Avengers: United They Stand is all flashy but no substance to back it up. The characters are a bit underdeveloped at times, the villains ranged from cheesy to meh and the animation just feels too flashy in quality.

Jonathan's Run

So I've watched Logan's Run the other day and how fitting it would be to do a piece for my 30th Birthday. Enjoy, Runner.

The Film Vindicator Review: Caddyshack II

Hey everyone I was planning on something really special buuuuut I had some slight miscalculation, so we’re gonna have to wait until next year. For now let’s dive into a pile of shit instead. You know what’s worse than a shitty sequel, a shitty sequel that’s just a carbon-copy of the first movie. And Caddyshack II is no expectation.

We open on a very familiar country golf club (Bushwood) with a very familiar critter making its appearance (the gopher). At least I think it’s the same gopher from the first one and apparently is voiced by Frank Welker. Why, no idea. Cut to the golf course as we’re introduced to a few characters; Kate Hartounian (played by Jessica Lundy) and Miffy Young (played by Chynna Phillips). Now unlike any other characters in this movie these two have the luck of not being clones from the first movie. But on the hand Todd Young (played by Brian McNamara) is just a Spaulding Smails clone and a caddy, Harry (played by Jonathan Silverman) is just a Danny Noonan clone. Cynthia asked the Danny-clone to go get her a diet soda and he complies; after an opening credits-running montage, Danny-clone gets the soda and runs back to the course. Cynthia, being a bitch wasted the soda after taking a drink right in front of Danny-clone. Afterwards Spaulding-clone walks up to him and another caddy telling them that the club will be getting some new golf karts; meaning all the caddies will be out of a job. Cynthia suggest to Kate that she should bring her father to the club but Kate is a bit hesitant to the idea as we cut to her father Jack Hartounian (played by Jackie Mason). But honestly might as well call him Al Czervik clone given how they both are estate/property/construction managers and that they both have the same personalities. Fortunately the difference is Czervik had a comedic presence while the Czervik-clone is trying poorly to be funny. The actor playing this character sounds like he’s trying so hard to emulating Rodney Dangerfield he might as well change his name to Low-Budget Rodney Dangerfield. Seriously if they wanted Rodney in this movie they could’ve gotten by then. Anyway Czervik-clone is confronted by members of the Bushwood Historical Preservation Society demanding himself cease construction due to building on a historical landmark. But Czervik-clone starts being kind of an asshole as he scares them off by almost having them run over by a bulldozer. Yeah dude, just give them a reason to have arrested.

A little bit later Kate and Czervik-clone are on their way to Bushwood; Kate tells Czervik-clone to just be a kiss-ass in order for them to fit in. He’s a bit disapproval of this but he goes along with it. Upon arriving at the club, Czervik-clone finds Ty Webb (played by Chevy Chase). That’s right apparently he’s the ONLY character from the first one and is played by the same actor who came back for this mess. Unfortunately he’s just put to waste in this movie and the ONLY thing that’s actually funny. Ty shows introduces Czervik-clone to some of the members until they across this movie’s Judge Smails clone, Chandler Young (played by Unsolved Mysteries himself Robert Stack). Smails-clone invites Czervik-clone to a game of golf; on the course he introduces him to an Elizabeth Pearce (played by Dyan Cannon) and his wife Cynthia Young (played by Dina Merill). The same Cynthia Young who is one of the historical members Czervik-clone almost ran over earlier. Cynthia is not all that please about this but Smails-clone convinced her to just go with it for now; hopefully to get Czervik-clone stop building on the perservered property. Smails-clone let’s Czervik-clone have the tee off which breaks into a copy pasted scene of Czervik with the specially design golf club iron. Only in this movie they’re REALLY trying to get some laughs out of Czervik-clone’s goofily design clubs; as if the scene is trying compensating on how not funny Jackie Mason is. But truth be told I don’t think that’s the fault of him for not being comedic, more on that later. Smails-clone may give Czervik-clone a membership to the club on the condition that his company has a chat with the lawyers about the property; Czervik-clone agrees. Cut to a law office where Spaulding-clone and a lawyer are having a discussion with Czervik-clone’s lawyer Peter Blunt (played by Randy Quaid). The lawyer discusses how this would end up with lawsuits, fees, conjunctions, blah blah blah really boring shit. However, Blunt retorts with a rather unorthodox counter claim that’s a bit non-legal in a sense that he would definitely go to jail for. Point is Czervik-clone is not allowed to build on the Bushwood Estate until he gets the final wording from the Planning Commission.

Cut to nighttime at a party as Czervik-clone and Kate arrived; she’s about to introduce him to a special someone (Spaulding-clone). So she deeply asked her father to behavior himself; unfortunately this falls very shorts with Czervik-clone’s big mouth. Luckily Elizabeth shows up, shuts him up with food and invites him to dance with her. While these two are dancing the night away, the Frank Welker gopher sneaks into the room and starts snacking. Ugh……..why? Here’s a problem with this gopher it seems this movie made it into some weird couch potato. Now if this is supposed to be the same gopher from the first one why make this change? Meanwhile outside Kate sees Danny-clone just night-putting (putting at night) and two start talking. The problem with Harry here is that we don’t know anything about him; we don’t know any kind of backstory from this guy. At least in the first movie we get to know about Danny Noonan for about the first few minutes in. That he’s struggling to save money to go to college, just he had to a kick-ass just to get a scholarship; you know CHARACTORIZATION! Where as in this movie the only thing we know about Danny-clone is that he works at a shitty caddy job…..and that’s it. Back inside the party is about to have a friendly slave auction….trust me it’s not what it is of what you think it is. Czervik-clone is approached by Smails-clone telling him that he’s no longer welcomed to the club; Czervik-clone feels bummed out. Cynthia is the first one up to be auction off; a few bidders make their offer until Czervik-clone steps in (for some payback). Smails-clone tries to outbid him but Czervik-clone counters with a $1,000 bid and wins. A little bit later Czervik-clone managed to win most of the society slaves (including Smails-clone) and he has a good idea how to make use out of them. By having them working at his construction site the very next scene; I’m sure this was meant to be funny but I’m just not feeling it. It’s like a really shitty Three Stooges skit (and yes I’m aware there’s a Three Stooges movie I’m just training my brain that it doesn’t exist).

Smails-clone and the rest of the members just had about enough with Czervik-clone and set up some retaliation. Later at Czervik-clone’s company he gets the troubling news that there are no supplies and the building inspector has pulled all the permits. Czervik-clone decides to go get some back up in the form of Ty. Czervik-clone wants to buy the club which Ty seems to own it 53% in the stock; after a rather funny indoors golfing Ty agrees to sell it. Back at the club Czervik-clone shows up to announce that he owns the entire club and will have it open to the general public. Smails-clone is not too thrill by this and takes his leave but soon returns upon the club’s reopening. Apparently Czervik-clone turned the club into a low-budget Disneyland; yeah good luck having fun while trying to avoid being bonked by golf balls. Smails-clone has enough of Czervik-clone’s shenanigans and takes some WAAAAAAAAY too drastic measures. He meets up with a Captain Tom Everett (played by Dan Aykroyd) United States Marine Corp, retired. Smails-clone wants Czervik-clone to get discourage with his involvement with the club but to Everett as in discourage meaning with “extreme prejudice”. By that he means to kill Czervik-clone; Smails-clone agrees to this arrangement as long he’s not aware of it. Cut to Czervik-clone’s place as he’s getting ready for a dinner date with Elizabeth. Elizabeth soon arrives and Czervik-clone let’s her in; shortly after Kate arrives completely upset. Apparently she moving out and staying over at Miffy’s because of what Czervik-clone did to the club. OK this may gonna sound but it needs to said, as much as Czervik-clone was kinda a dick some of things that happened are the fault of Kate for trying to be such a kiss-ass. And even worst she had to drag her father to join a club that he really didn’t want to just to fit in among the stuck-up assholes.

Czervik-clone stops at the club, drinking away his sorrows and talking to Ty. But apparently Ty seems to be implying that he doesn’t give a shit of what’s going on in this movie and frankly I don’t blame him. Outside Smails-clone shows up as Everett rises out of a lake and plants an explosive under Czervik-clone’s car. Back inside Smails-clone approaches Czervik-clone with a letter stating his building permits are cancelled. Czervik-clone gets pissed and the two have an argument; it then breaks into a fight but Ty stops them. He suggest the two of them to settle this in a game of golf with partners, you know JUST LIKE THE FIRST MOVIE! Beyond this point the movie is no longer trying to be different from the first one (not that it was trying to begin with but still). Anyway if Czervik-clone wins he keeps the club and the permits but if Smails-clone wins he gets the club back. Also Czervik-clone has to play without the trick clubs. As Czervik-clone leaves in his car Everett triggers the bomb but fortunately however, he blow up the wrong car, Smails-clone’s car. Cut to next day Czervik-clone is training with Ty for the match and to no surprise he sucks. Even Ty’s own “be the ball” method proves to be no help for Czervik-clone. Cut to Smails-clone meeting up with Everett once again this time the captain is certain he’ll get rid of Czervik-clone……with explosive golf balls. Now I should rant on how stupid that sounds but honestly I’ve heard even stupider things that became explosive weapons. We cut to the golf course as the partners match begins (Czervik-clone & Danny-clone vs Smails-clone & Spaulding-clone); Danny-clone takes the first tee off. With the match underway Czervik-clone seems to have the worst slice; so bad that it SOMEHOW BREAKS THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AS HIS GOLF BALL KEEPS MAKING RETURN TRIPS! The fucking golf physics in Happy Gilmore weren’t this level of stupid and bullshit. Czervik-clone is up to putt at the next hole but Danny-clone suggest that he go with his PHYSICS DEFYING SLICE SWINGS which able to help him make the hole. Smails-clone and the club member start to get worry as Czervik-clone and Danny-clone are catching up.

Meanwhile, Everett is watching from afar waiting for Smails-clone’s signal but little does he know he’s getting unexpected company. Since the filmmaker couldn’t get Bill Murray to reprise the role of Carl Spackler, they instead attempt to copy the Spackler vs gopher humor from the first movie. AND FUCKING FAILING! Everett even tries to get the gopher by placing an Uzi in a gopher hole and starts spraying bullets. Fucking overkill much? Yeah I know Spackler try to kill the gopher with explosives but that had comedic set up with a comedic pay off at the end. This is like trying to catch lightning with the same Caddyshack bottle that’s now riddled with cracks and is ready to break. Everett tries again with a crossbow loaded with a poison tipped bolt but accidently gets shot in the asscheek while he was setting up to terminate Czervik-clone. There’s a scene with Kate finally realizing Miffy and Spaulding-clone are assholes, leaves them and make amends with dad but at this point I kinda don’t care. Back on the golf course the match is tied with Czervik-clone up for the putt. Meanwhile, Everett gets ready to swing the ball bomb despite having poison in his system. He takes a swing for the target but the gopher swaps the ball bomb and haul ass to the golf course. Czervik-clone takes the putt and the really stupid shit happens. Czervik-clone makes the NA NA NA NA NA NA sound that Ty makes as the ball rolls to the hole. And oddly enough it works as the ball makes it in the hole; putting Czervik-clone and Danny-clone in the lead. Smails-clone is up to putt and if he makes it they’re tied again; as his family gives some pep-talk they’re unaware of the gopher switching the golf ball with the ball bomb. Smails-clone makes the putt but the ball goes BOOM and instead being blown to bits they end up looking like Wild E. Coyote after an ACME dynamite gone off. Bull and shit movie, bull and shit. So with the ball gone kablooey that counts as a lost ball; leaving Czervik-clone and Danny-clone winning the match. And with that the movie ends.

My Final Verdict: This movie is more than a carbon-copy of the first it’s such a weak movie with an even weaker comedic presence. This movie was really over-compensating in the humor department as in every attempt of a joke ends up falling short or being flat out shallow. As I said in the review Jackie Mason’s poor comedic performance is not the fault on him. Instead of having him do his own thing they pretty told him BE LIKE RODNEY DANGERFIELD. Most of the cloned characters have neither character nor development while characters that are not clones from the first just have no development from start to finish. This movie just fails at having a plot that progresses onward from the first one and instead ends up being a shitty cash-in with copied pasted characters.

Next time I feel the need to dive into a guilty pleasure in the form of Gen 13, stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: Bloodfist VI: Ground Zero

The 90s was an open door opportunity for martial artists when it came to action movies. I mean you couldn’t channel surf without running into a movie where its main lead is a martial artist. From Cynthia Rothrock to Billy Blanks to Jackie Chan to Oliver Gruner to Gary Daniels; you name it they’ve starred in a movie. And there’s today movie starring Don “The Dragon” Wilson WKA World Kickboxing Champion. No joke that’s how they listed him in the opening credits. You’re wondering why I’m reviewing the sixth movie in the Bloodfist series. Well it’s because I had no idea this was a sequel when I watched this as a kid; plus I’m more familiar with it than the others. Will I review the rest of the Bloodfist series? Well……I wouldn’t get my hopes for now.

We open at nuclear missile base, A-14 Ellsworth as we cut to a naked military officer, Tori (played by Catya Sassoon). Wow 2 minutes and 27 seconds in and already a nude scene that’s really impressive. Anyway we cut to a field a few miles from the base as a truck arrives and two armed men released some rabbits. Apparently the rabbits have trapped the alarms to distract security as the two armed sneak into an underground linking station and hack into the missile control room in sub level 2. Cut to highway as we’re introduced to Sgt. Nick Corrigan (played by Don “The Dragon” Wilson) en route to A-14 to deliver a package. Cut to the main gate at A-14 as an RV arrives at scene. One of the guards tells the old man to leave but the man panics saying that his wife’s not breathing. The guard enters the RV to check on the wife but it turns out to be a trap as the old man guns him down and a group of armed men approved out of hiding. One of the armed men sneaks up on the other guard and snaps his neck in a 180. Gees, is this guy related to Jason Voorhees or something? Anyway he hacks into the main gate security camera; creating a video loop to the main security station in the base. The armed men have entered A-14 via elevator and proceed to eliminate the base personal. As for the old man well he’s not an old man exactly, but Fawkes (played by Jonathan Fuller) in disguise. In the missile control room one of the missile control personal is not getting any response from up top and the two armed themselves. The second missile control personal, Major Paul Tillman (played by Steve Garvey) hides away his launch key which along with the second key activates the missile launch. Fawkes and his men arrived at missile control room, killing one of the missile control personal and obtained one of the keys.

After they set up shop, Fawkes’ men have completely linked into the missile control computers and are now obtaining the launch codes. However, the codes mean nothing without BOTH keys. So Fawkes tries to brutally persuade Tillman into telling him where the second key is but Tillman refuses to talk. Fawkes then resorts to threaten Tillman’s little squeeze Tori by cutting off her tongue but gets interrupted by a call from the main gate. It’s Nick who has just arrived at the main gate to drop off a package to Tillman and needs his signature. Fawkes’ men suggest to just kill Nick but his tech guy Sabian (played by Marcus Aurelius) opposes that idea given that if Nick doesn’t report to S.A.C. they may get suspicious and change the launch codes. With no choice, Fawkes allows Nick inside the base; little does he know that Tillman manages to get the key unnoticed before leaving the control room. Inside some of Fawkes’ men are disguised as base personal as Nick gets off the elevator and delivers the package to Tillman. Tillman takes the package, gives his signature and Nick leaves. Tillman is taken back to the control room and Fawkes once again asked where the key is; this time he threatens to shoot Tori if he doesn’t answer. Tillman still refuses; Tori begs him to tell them where the key is but he says that it’s gone already. This pisses her off and for some reason grabs a gun and shoots Tillman in the shoulder; apparently she’s working for Fawkes. Fawkes realizes that Nick may have the key and orders his man at the gate to stop him. Cut to topside as Nick gets back to his jeep with some suspicion; he checks his hat to the missile key as he see in jeep mirror of the fake guard sneaking up behind him. The fake guard orders him to get out of the jeep and he complies but before he got the chance to kill him Nick quickly disarms him and the two fight. The fake guard has the upper hand but Nick soon fights back and snaps his neck on a ladder. But it’s not over yet as two more of Fawkes’ men arrived and open fire on Nick. Armed with only the fake guard’s revolver, Nick shoots back and kills one of them. Now you gonna love movie inconsistences as we notice Nick fires all six shots yet somehow manage to fire four extra shots. Anyway back in the control room Tillman activates the Emergency Defense System; locking down the base. Which means Fawkes and some of his men are trapped in the missile control room while the rest are trapped in the elevator. Of course Fawkes didn’t appreciate that so much and shoots Tillman dead. Back topside Nick is still pinned down until the gunman hits the jeep’s gas tank. Nick quickly flees from the jeep before it explodes. With one good knife throw to chest, Nick takes out the gunman and radios dispatch to contact S.A.C.

Cut to the S.A.C. (Strategic Air Command) base in Nebraska, we’re introduced to a Major Marin (played by Robin Curtis) as she’s attending a meeting with General “Dipshit” Carmichael (played by Wynn Irwin) I call him dipshit because he kinda is and an asshole. Anyway they’re notified that they’ve lost contact with A-14 and the missile control override is disabled. Carmichael is not too convinced that someone has taken over the compound but just in case, he orders an alert status and to have Special Forces on the compound. Back at A-14 Sabian is working on getting the systems back on; he managed to get the elevator back on; freeing Tori and Ahmad (played by Michael Blanks). Nick hears the elevator opening and goes hiding into a room. Ahmad hears a glass cup hitting the floor from the room and goes to check. Nick attacks him from behind but Ahmad proceeds to HULK SMASH Nick. Ahmad has him in an unbreakable bear hug but one kick to the balls and Nick breaks free; knocking him out. Tori shows up to the scene but Nick doesn’t know that she’s on Fawkes’ side; giving her the opportunity to use him to get the key. Nick managed to get through to S.A.C. informing Marin that he has the key and about Fawkes. Marin informs him that Special Forces are on the way and have Nick to stay put until then. Nick gives Tori a gun; she’s about to shoot him but apparently the gun is empty. Looks like Nick’s mother didn’t raise a fool but unfortunately Fawkes gets the drop on him. Fawkes has obtained the second launch key and orders his men to kill Nick as he heads back to the missile control room. Nick managed to get away but gets shot in the arm as two of Fawkes men goes after him. Back at the missile control room Sabian has obtained half of the launch codes as Fawkes gives him one of the launch keys. So now the terrorists have activated the launch sequence; a waiting for the complete launch codes.

Fawkes contacts S.A.C. demanding one hundred million dollars in gold or he’ll launch the nuke. Nick makes it to a storage room and tries to patch up his gunshot wound. The two men are still after him now approaching the storage room. Nick gets the drop on them but struggles to keep up. He knocks out one of them while the other grabs an Uzi. Nick tries to snatch away the Uzi only to flesh wound him and runs away; the wounded gunman makes it back to control room. Tori has enough of this and goes after Nick; accompanied by a few of Fawkes’ men. Cut to topside as Special Forces arrived at the base along with Marin and Carmichael. Marin managed to get in touch with Nick guiding him to the electronics bay to set up some countermeasures; trying to delay the launch as much as possible. A little bit later a small infantry of Special Forces have entered A-14 via elevator but that proved to be futile as they are blown up by an explosive at the elevator exit. Although this doesn’t seem to bother Fawkes as has finally obtained the launch codes. Nick it’s at the electronics bay and just in time to stop one of Fawkes men from rigging a bomb. This guy is a pretty tough customer but Nick eventually defeats him; very shortly after Nick shoots down another guy as he entered the room. Back at missile control room Sabian inputs a few major U.S. cities as targets for the nukes. They’re ready to negotiate but Fawkes however, is playing for keeps as he’s about to push the launch button. Sabian stops him demanding that they should get the money and leave but Fawkes has other plans as he stabs Sabian to death. Fawkes activates the launch sequence with only 60 seconds before the nukes launch. Fortunately however, before the countdown reaches zero the launch sequence has been aborted. Apparently Nick was able to activate the launch override and just in time too.

Back topside Carmichael orders an airstrike just as Nick reports to Marin; she tells him that he must stop the launch manually before the backup kicks in and before the airstrike arrives to destroy the base. Nick takes out two remaining Fawkes’ men leaving with Tori left standing as she puts some night vision goggles and shoots a fuse box cutting off the lights. She has Nick cornered in a storage room and goes for the kill but he shines a flashlight at her; temporary blinding her. But it’s just enough for him to get behind her and knock her unconscious. As Nick makes his way to control room, the backup system has start up and Fawkes is about to push the button. Nick arrives to the control room and a shot gunfight breaks out; resulting Nick getting wounded. Fawkes knocks him down and pushes the launch button restarting the launch. Nick just gets right back up and beats the shit out of Fawkes. Nick contacts Marin to get the about codes with only 16 second left. Nick types down the code as Marin tells him the codes but for some the last number isn’t working. What the hell is the Caps Lock on or is the computer being a picky bitch. So Nick picks up an Uzi and shoots the computers and somehow that stops the launch, apparently. OK I don’t think shooting the computer that controls the missile stops it from launching it would still launch anyway. Whatever the bad guys are defended and the country is saved; movie over.

My Final Verdict: This movie is like a low-budget Under Siege, none of the seriousness yet all of the fun action and that’s not a bad thing. Also with a few rewrites it could’ve made a decent Metal Gear movie……what…..it could’ve. Don Wilson’s performance is wouldn’t say average but not bad either; sorta like he’s acting is good yet he’s still improving. Don is like the low-budget Chuck Norris when he starred in a plethora of movies back in 90s. Some of them I may have seen so I’ll be definitely review them in the future.

Well it’s time for a short recess in prep for something special on February 6th, so until then stay tuned.

The Film Vindicator Review: TC 2000

I keep thinking the 90s was like the Bronze Age of action movies; like the 80s there would a giant cesspool of action movies. Only back in the 90s we had the advances of video stores and cable. There were a lot of popular action movies such as Speed, The Rock and Face Off. But there were action movies back then that didn’t quite stand out from the bunch. Movies that you would come across late at night on a school night that has you saying “I don’t know what that movie’s called but it sure was awesome”. And TC 2000 was one of those movies that I came across when I was a kid.

We open on a narration by Jason Storm (played by Billy Blanks); I wonder is he related to Mason Storm from Hard to Kill? Anyway he states that food, water and air have become poisonous due to years of pollution. Most of the people started dying from disease and hunger. The wealthy have moved underground and setup an Underworld society while others were left behind on the surface world. The killers and criminals formed ruthless gangs and when they won’t killing each other they would try to break into the Underworld. Jason works for TC (Tracker Communicator) Unit; an elite Underworld security forces. Their job is to locate any “Breakers” trying to get in the Underworld and kick them out or terminate them. Jason and his rookie partner Zoey Kinsella (played by Bobbie Phillips) return to Underworld as their patrol on the surface world has ended for tonight. But as the secondary unit started their patrol they’re immediately attacked by a group of Breakers. Jason and Zoey are immediately called in to take care of them. Back outside the Breakers have taken out the two TC men and used their bodies to get pass the security laser grid. Inside Jason and Zoey spot the two Breakers and pursuit after them; they split up as the Breakers do so as well. They both managed to apprehend the Breakers and send them back to the surface world.

After the Breaker attack has been dealt with Jason and Zoey report to the Controller (played by Ramsay Smith). Zoey believes that someone is giving TC Unit schedule intel to the Breakers but Controller says he’s looking into it. Controller calls in a scientist, Dr. Cameron Johnson (played by Gregory Philpot) to analyze some data collected by Jason and Zoey for a new TC project on the surface world called TC 2000 X. Cybernetic trackers as Johnson explains to them; however, there has been any volunteers for the project. Jason and Zoey stop at a locker room and run into this movie’s douchebag and Controller’s right hand Bigalow (played by Matthias Hues). Cut to Jason and Bigalow at the gym having a “sparring match”; apparently there’s some bad blood between the two. And also I’m giving this movie points for having Billy Blanks wearing sunglasses that makes him look like Johnny Cage. Anyway the two began fighting which is rather impressive fight scene. The two continue beating the crap out each other until an announcement from the intercom breaks up the fight. Later at Jason’s place Zoey is certain that there’s leak in the security system; Jason tells her to let it go but she still wants to investigate as she leaves. Cut to the Controller getting a call from a subordinate that they’ve located a Master Sumai on the surface. The Controller doesn’t see him as a threat for the moment so he tells to stand down. Soon after we cut to Sumai (played by Chong Li himself Bolo Yeung) in a competitive street fight. Now this is gonna become as a shock but Bolo is a protagonist in this movie. Yeah that was a surprise to me too when I first was this. Anyway Sumai is kicking ass in this fight until his opponent grabs an on-looker; using him as a shield. But that doesn’t stop Sumai as he harmlessly punches the on-looker yet hits his opponent winning the fight. Now I don’t know what he did or what it’s called I just know that it was badass.

Cut to a gang hideout of the Picassos led by Niki Picasso (played Jalal Merhi); yeah I know it sounds silly just go with it. Nick announces that it’s time for the Picassos to penetrate the Underworld and take what’s rightfully theirs; apparently with the help of a Tracker’s PDR that Nick acquired from someone within the Underworld. Later we cut to a TC Unit repairing a damaged force field and security until they’re attacked by the Picassos. They’ve immediately taken out the Unit and entered the Underworld; meanwhile, Jason and other TC Units are called in. In the Underworld tunnels the Picassos have taken out a few more TC Units and have reached quadrant 13. Shortly after Jason and Zoey preceded to quadrant 13 and are on pursuit the Picassos. They managed to catch up the gang at a dead end; however, Niki finds a hidden passage to the next quadrant that’s underneath the Underworld’s central control. Jason and Zoey continue to pursuit them until they are confronted by the Picassos. The two managed to hold off the gang as long as possible, however, Niki finds a secret panel with an Uzi inside. Nick open fires on the two but accidentally shoots one of his men. Nick continues firing on Jason and Zoey until he has them pin down at a pillar. Little do Jason and Zoey know that there’s another gunman hidden in shadows behind them. The open fires and shoots Zoey in the back; Jason attends to her but unfortunately she dies. This incident however has provided a volunteer for the TC 2000 X project.

Back on the surface world Sumai runs into a MasterBlaster wannabe beating up a boy and a woman. Of course this pisses off Sumai and proceeds to fix this problem. That’s right Sumai is a real Kenshiro in this movie which means that not-MasterBlaster is gonna get fucked beyond Thunderdome…..BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! The two began fighting but it seems that not-MasterBlaster has the upper hand. Sumai fights back like a badass but still being overpowered by not-MasterBlaster. Sumai managed to get to an opening with one Sweet Chin Music to the chest; knocking not-MasterBlaster permanently on his ass. Back in the Underworld Jason checks out a video from Zoey’s shoulder cam and sees Niki holding the PDR. This confirms Zoey’s suspicions about the leak in security. Shortly after Zoey’s funeral Jason approaches the Controller asking to see her one last time but he denies that request. Saying that she’s listed as classified information; Jason is not too happy about that considering that the Picassos have access to the Underworld. Jason declares that he’s sticking around watching other getting killed off so the Controller recommends him for a full deprograming. Resigning from TC as it were; Jason undergoes surgery to have his chip impacts removed. He soon recovers at his place but still pretty groggy from the surgery. However, it appears that wasn’t the Controller’s plan as it turns out he ordered Johnson to have Jason died during the surgery but he couldn’t do it. So now Bigalow has sent his men to kill Jason. They break into his place but Jason is all for them as he quickly dispatches them. He then escapes via air vent as more of Bigalow’s men show up. Well now he knows how John McClane felt like.

Jason makes it to the security laser grid leaving straight to the surface world. So nobody didn’t reprogram the grid to keep Jason from escaping the Underworld I mean the thought never cross no one’s mind at all? Then again it would’ve been a short movie if he got fried at the grid. Later the Controller notifies TC with misinformation that Jason is a traitor and has defected to the surface world. Soon after Controller reveals to the public the TC 2000 X who turns out to be Zoey in an outfit straight from American Gladiators. And apparently she has FMV vision. On the surface world Jason arrives at a competitive street fight between Sumai and a new challenger with a plastic bag of clean water as the prize. As the fight starts Sumai immediately has the challenger on the ropes. Seriously fighting Chong Li is like fighting Bruce Lee while he’s blindfolded, you might as well throw in the towel already. Therefore the challenger decides to cheat using a knife; he has Sumai dodging away from him giving the challenger an opening for the kill. Luckily Jason blocks the kill stab then punches the challenger on his ass. The fight is interrupted as a TC Unit show up along with Zoey. Jason is glad to see them; however, it’s not exactly a reunion as they quickly incapacitate him. Luckily Sumai takes out the Unit and carries Jason away to safety as the Picassos show up. Niki orders them to capture Zoey but she quickly dispatches them; Niki stops Zoey asking her to join him and she does. We cut to Sumai’s place as he brings Jason on in; apparently Jason has gain Sumai’s respect. Jason asks for info about Niki who’s been terrorizing the surface world for years. The only gangs that can rival the Picassos are the Lifers but won’t team up with anyone. And apparently the Lifers’ hideout is the Terminal Station; a chemical warfare plant that was meant to wipeout the population of the surface world. Jason decides to go after Niki alone but Sumai advise him to go by day. And by day he does as Jason infiltrates Niki’s hideout but he’s not alone as Sumai soon arrives to help. They made it to a tower above a window to the hideout; Jason goes rappelling down into the hideout and catches Niki off guard. Jason is about to take him out as payback for killing Zoey but Niki informs him that she’s still alive and calls her. Jason is shocked to see Zoey alive but once again the reunion is cut short as she starts kicking his ass. She soon starts to glitch out as tidbits of her memories are kicking in but her programming immediately overrides them. Zoey continues the ass kicking until she kicks Jason out of the hideout.

Back at the Underworld the Controller has been monitoring Zoey’s progress; apparently she’s meant to infiltrate the Picassos, use them to take out the Lifers and gain control of Terminal Station. Not to mention that the Overlord of Underworld is unaware of the Controller’s plan. Jason awakes at Sumai’s place, recovering from the ass kicking. But not to worry Jason will be feeling a lot better with…..you guess it A TRAINING MONTAGE YAAAAAAAAAAAY! We even get to see Sumai’s badass Magic Death Punch. Afterwards Jason mentions Zoey’s last name which Sumai recognizes to be her father’s. Apparently her father built Terminal Station to help repair the atmosphere but was turned into a weapon when her father was murdered. Back at the Underworld Johnson is not too comfortable turning into a weapon but the Controller doesn’t care. It’s revealed that it was the Controller who shot Zoey dead as he shoots Johnson in the head. Back on the surface world Jason and Sumai are planning to enter Terminal Station, but first they need gather some Redshirts……I MEAN some good men to fight against the Lifers. Back at the Underworld the Controller is called in by the Overlord; apparently he’s not too happy of him using TC 2000 X for personal agendas. But the Controller doesn’t seem to care as he orders Bigalow to break the Overlord’s neck. Cut to Terminal Station the Picassos began their attack on the Lifers as Jason, Sumai and their gang standby in the shadows. The Picassos have wiped out the Lifers as the Controller and his men soon arrived at the scene. Terminal Station is accessed with the help from Zoey who apparently is the key to the station. Jason and the others follow suit into the station.

Inside Terminal Station Jason and the others make their attack on the douchebags and just as I thought Jason’s guys are easily taken out by the Picassos. Like I said Redshirts. Jason and Sumai managed to take out the Picassos like they’re the fucking Bad Dudes. They made to the “Killzone” which is guarded by the Controller’s men. Jason engages two of Controller’s men while Sumai engages Bigalow. Meanwhile, Controller, Zoey and Niki have entered the Killzone; basically this place is a silo which houses a special launcher. This launcher fires six chemicals; by themselves they’re harmless but mix in the atmosphere becomes deadly for 48 hours. Controller activates the Surface World Cleansing sequence then he activates a laser security grid to protect the launcher controls from intruders. Jason is being tag-teamed but eventually defects them. Meanwhile, Bigalow decides to be a pussy and run away but Sumai chases after him. Bigalow goes through a door then blocks it shut; preventing Sumai from getting through. But does that stop him, HELL NO! Sumai unleashes his Magic Death Punch on the door but hits Bigalow in the process; killing him instantly. Back at the Killzone Controller tries to escape via silo elevator but Niki follows him all the way to the top of the silo. Niki wraps a rope around the Controller’s neck, throws him off and the Controller dies instantly. Jason and Sumai arrived at the Killzone and managed to get pass the laser grid. Jason confronts Zoey to stop her but she glitches again; this time her programming shuts down completely, returning to her normal self. With only seconds remaining Jason and Zoey are trying to stop the sequence; Zoey thinks that it might be stopped with a password. Jason tried certain words that might work but no good. Then Sumai approaches the control and types in LIFE and apparently it worked and sequence has stopped. Turns out Zoey’s father told Sumai the password a long time ago. So the surface world is safe, our heroes rejoice while enjoying the sunrise; apparently nature has been healing itself and the Controller knew the whole time. And as for Niki, well he’s having some elevator trouble. End of movie.

My Final Verdict: The thing about low budget post-dystopia movies is if done right you can get away with a decent story and TC 2000 is no exception. This movie maybe cheesy but still enjoyable to watch when you’re having a rainy day or just bored. The fight scenes are entertaining for the most part; sure they’re not on par with The Raid but still noteworthy fight scenes. Now the acting maybe questionable at times given that most of the actors started out as martial artists. Not having any acting chops under their belt but in this movie the acting is forgivable. Seeing Bolo Yeung as a protagonist was a different change of pace though I’m a bit confused that he’s top billing in the credits yet he gets less screen time. Not sure if TC 2000 was his first or last movie where he’s the protagonist but I’m there’s probably more out there somewhere. Now I like bring up actress Bobbie Phillips; she starred in a trilogy in the late 90s called Chameleon. And they knida have the same vibe as TC 2000.

So that’s that but I think I’m in the mood for one more cheesy action flick from the 90s. Next time it’s Bloodfist VI: Ground Zero, stay tuned.