Before we start I wanna make a disclaimer; firstly just like in my Once Bitten review I will NOT make references nor make points about the “Friend Zone”. Because I find it as an extremely personal bias and unfair to judge any FICTIONAL character with a term that has ZERO real world use nor practice. Secondly I will NOT make any “Nice Guy/Girl” reference because it does not define who or what a FICTIONAL character is. And finally I will NOT make references to the Santa Barbara shooting nor compare FICTIONAL characters to Elliot Rodger. So consider this as an official rule of the Film Vindicator when comes to romantic films or any film with romantic sub-plots. OK, now let’s get started.
We open on Lane Myer (played by John Cusack) waking up for the Greendale High School ski racing try-outs at his school. And notice how his bedroom walls have a shit ton of pictures of his girlfriend Beth Truss (played by Amanda Wyss). Well this film was made back in 1985; this was about as close as to having Facebook and Tumblr. Anyway cut to Lane’s dad Al (played by David Ogden Stiers) who senses a great disturbance in the force in the form a devious paperboy. Apparently the paperboy has been throwing papers at Al’s garage door windows; Al makes a mad dash to the outside trying to get the garage door. The door stalls out for a bit but eventually opens in time for the paper to miss the last unbroken window. However, when Al closes the garage door it slams shut breaking the window. Cue the sad trombone music. As Lane heads out to the try-outs, he is seen from across the street by Monique (played by Diane Franklin) who is a foreign exchange student from France. She’s staying over at Lane’s neighbors Mrs. Smith (played by Laura Waterbury) and her son Ricky Smith (played by Daniel Schneider). Mrs. Smith has Monique staying over in the hopes that her and Ricky may hit it off; someone should tell her that having a foreign exchange student is not the same as having a mail order bride. On the way to the try-outs Lane is being challenged to a drag race by two Japanese brothers; one speaks no English and other learns English by watching Howard Cosell from Wide World of Sports. Apparently this is recurring thing and that Lane always loses.
Later at a ski park we’re introduce to the ski team’s captain Roy Stalin (played by Aaron Dozier); apparently he’s some hot shot for being the only to ski from the infamous K 12 slope. And according to my imaginary tricorder here…..yeah just as I thought a douchebag. Lane makes his run from a normal slope but didn’t quite make it at the qualified time of 58 seconds. After the try-outs are over, Lane is driving home as we hear a voiceover of Beth dumping him for Stalin. Saying that she wants to go out with a guy whose popular, good looking and has a nice car; translation Beth is a stuck up bitch. And of course she’s impressed of how Stalin skis from the K-12 which is all the more reason she wants to be with him. OK if she saw an Olympic skier doing the exact thing she would immediately suck that skier’s dick within a nano-second and Stalin would’ve rendered irrelevant. That would be pretty much how shallow her standards are. Anyway Lane makes it home and decides commit suicide by hanging himself in the garage; OK dude this bitch isn’t worth killing yourself quite literally. And besides do you really want me to make Bella Swan jokes on you? Thankfully he immediately changed mind but his mom Jenny (played by Kim Darby) enters the garage; causing him to slip and handing himself. Don’t worry he’s OK, he lives; otherwise this would be a really short review.
Later at dinner Lane’s dad wanted to about a particular 1967 Camaro that he brought to impress Beth but it’s been sitting in the driveway ever since. Lane says that he’ll get around then he excuses himself from the dinner table. In his bedroom Lane gets a flashback as he falls asleep; the flashback is when he and Beth first met at a park and immediately hook up. The next day Lane is still sulking over Beth of why she just straight up dump him. Lane goes to answer a knock on the door only find a rather scary paperboy asking for two dollars for his services. Apparently it’s the same paperboy from the start of the film; Lane gets spooked by the paperboy and calmly closes the front door. At school Lane is in a math class where everyone is oddly enthusiastic about that subject. They must be snorting some really good shit if they’re this excited about math. Lane is asked by the teacher to approach the black board to work on an assignment; being distracted by Beth who’s also at the black board he gets another flashback. In this flashback Lane and Beth are about to have sex in his car, but the condom broke. Beth freaks about it as the flashback ends; the math class ends and Lane is approached by his friend Charles De Mar (played by Curtis Armstrong). He offers to help Lane to win Beth back; one of which is to help him ski the K-12. Though I think it’s futile given that she’s a complete WHORE! OK that’s a bit too strong I take it back; she’s more of an ungrateful shallow standard bitch….yeah that’s better.
Cut to the school cafeteria where Lane is having a conversion with a drawing he made. You heard what I said; though it’s not as weird as Charles snorting Jello. Anyway Lane tries to convince the drawing that any girl would fall in love for him. And to prove so he hits on a cheerleader who’s dating the entire high school basketball team; I’m just gonna say that this team is that pussy whipped and leave at that. And their coach must be the Incredible Hulk because they sure do a lot of grunting; maybe he’s giving them some gamma steroids. The cheerleader ignores him but Lane keeps trying only to slip and fall ripping off her cheerleader outfit in the process. This pisses off the basketball team and go TEAM SMASH on Lane. Later we cut to Lane at a bridge about to jump but Charles comes by and cheers him. Charles pats him on the shoulder which cost Lane to lose his footing and fall off; but only to safely land into a garbage truck. Cut to the K-12 Lane is about to make the run while Charles is snorting snow…just go with it. Charles gives him a rather blunt advice to go down really fast, if something gets in his way turn. However this advice didn’t so well as Lane starts tumbling down down down down down down; I don’t think that’s what Charles mean by turn dude. Cut to Christmas day where Al fixes the garage windows and Lane attempts to win back Beth via phone call with a teddy bear present for her. However, Beth tells Lane that she’s got a teddy bear as big as her from Stalin; he must be really compensating for something isn’t he. Lane gets angry and tries to kill himself again by locking himself in his car in the garage and suffocate himself with car exhaust. Outside of the garage Al shows Jenny the new windows only to come out in time to see Lane crash through the garage door after passes out and accidently puts the car in reverse.
On New Year’s Eve Al attempts to get Lane go out to the New Year’s Eve school dance and socially interact with other girls, he has already set up a date for Lane. Lane eventually agrees and go meet up with his date, but sense his date is never seen again I’m not gonna mention the character’s name nor the actress who plays her. At the dance we get a nice musical number from Elizabeth Daily or E. G. Daily (better known as the voice of Buttercup from the Powerpuff Girls). Lane and Charles are enjoying their social solitude until Stalin comes by waving his douchebag badge as usual. Ricky and Monique are dancing…for a split second that is then Ricky moves Monique aside and attempts to a solo breakdance. Lane gets upset seeing Beth and Stalin dancing so he leaves the dance. Ricky was attempting to do some kinda breakdance move but fails as he just flops to the floor. This gives Monique the chance to get away from Ricky and frankly I don’t blame her; given that Ricky is like if Chris-Chan was around in the 80s. That was a really scary thought and I apologize. Monique leaves the dance and literally runs into Lane so he falls to the ground. Lane recognizes Monique and starts talking to her despite she speaks French. Ricky heads out of the school and finds Monique with Lane; notifying in a pussy whipped manner her that his mom will be waiting at the entrance of the school. Monique and Ricky leave for home and starts walking back to his car until he spots the paperboy who is stalking him. And apparently he’s not alone as more paperboys appeared that like Batman asking for their two dollars. Lane makes it to the car and hauls ass out of there all the way home.
The next day Lane gets ready for his first day at a Pig Burgers restaurant; there his boss shows him the route of patting meat into the pig molds. Lane starts working as the boss leaves but gets immediately bored and starts having a daydream. In the daydream it’s almost out of Frankenstein with Lane in a doctor’s apron and places a mystery burger under a cloth on to an apparatus. The apparatus is raise to the roof and is stuck by lightning; Lane lowers the apparatus and takes the mystery burger to the counter. He removes the cloth to reveal a Claymation burger character then the scene breaks into a Claymation music video of the song of “Everybody Want Some”. The daydream ends when Lane’s boss returns and gets piss to see to the burgers being burnt. Lane is thrown out of the back-kitchen only to end up lying on the ground right next to Beth and Stalin. Back at the K-12 Lane tries again to ski this untamed slope only to fail again. Lane returns home in complete distraught and attempts to kill himself again. He takes his bed blanket and makes a toga out of it; he goes to the garage to find anything to set himself on fire. He finds a jar of primer and goes off to find some matches but is pulled away by his mother to join his parents, Monique, Ricky, and Mrs. Smith for dinner. Mrs. Smith is bragging of how Ricky and Monique are so in for each other but we all know that’s bullshit. Lane starts washing the primer on himself and apparently his parents don’t take notice of this. Mrs. Smith mistakenly takes the primer, pours it in her cup and takes a drink. Lane notices that the jar is empty and realize that Mrs. Smith drank it; she’s about to light a cigarette as Lane tries to stop her. But as soon as she flicks on the lighter KABOOM; a small explosion is seen coming out from the window. Apparently it wasn’t a lethal explosion because in the next scene Lane tells Ricky that she’ll be fine. Bullshit she’ll be fine; the woman drank nearly the whole jar of primer her insides should be looking like burnt bacon.
Lane, Monique and Ricky driving to the school until Lane is being challenged into another drag race. Monique slams on the gas pedal and race is on; it was a close race until Lane spots a group of nuns. Lane swerves off the road, runs through a construction site and lands into a large pothole. Apparently landing in water filled pothole is no big deal because in the next scene they arrived at the school. Lane, Monique and Ricky are in the cafeteria when Stalin shows up informing Lane about an opening for a ski team captain. And the only way to get that position is to beat Stalin. He then proceeds to hit on Monique apparently while Beth is not around. Wow a douchebag and a slut; why does Beth love this guy again? Thankfully Monique is not having any of this shit as she shakes up a soda can and opens it in front of Stalin spraying soda on him. Stalin gets piss and insults her which gets Lane angry and stands up to Stalin; he then challenges him to a ski race from the K-12 and Stalin accepts. Cut to Lane heading to a ski shop to replace one of his skis he broke from the second run of the K-12. On the way back home Lane gets an unexpected hitchhiker; another paperboy jumps on the top of the car and demands for his two dollars. Lane speeds up trying to shake the kid off; he eventually drives to a car wash and enters on in. Apparently must’ve done the trick; so a car wash keeps the crazy paperboys away…. Anyway cut to Monique throwing lemons at a street sign as Lane pulls up to the driveway. He tries to talk to her but she doesn’t answer; as he leaves she starts talking and in English surprisingly. Apparently she understood what everyone was saying this whole time but chooses to not say a word; ESPECIALLY to Mrs. Smith and Ricky. Pretty much piss off that she’s stuck with an unleashed sex fiend as she describes him. The two keep talking until Mrs. Smith calls her to come back in the house but not before Monique give Lane a kiss and says “you are my friend”.
The next day Monique is working Lane’s Camaro until he shows up wondering what she’s doing. He’s surprised that she managed to get it finally running; through not fully fix up Monique ask Lane to help repair the Camaro. Lane gets hesitate but agrees to help which we cut to you guessed it a MONTAGE! Afterwards Monique asks why Lane would have these thoughts of killing himself but never do it. He explains about his falling out with Beth; thinking that he wouldn’t live without her. As soon as he mentions Stalin Lane just realized that he has a race against him tomorrow and panics. Monique convinces him to gain a small level of success to get some confidence. To start getting payback on the drag-race brothers with his fully repaired Camaro. Before the brothers can get ready, Lane floors it as the lights turn green; leaving the brothers in his dust. Cut to nighttime at Pig Burgers where Lane and Monique are celebrating with TV dinners. So Lane wasn’t fired from this place then? Cut to next day at the K-12, Monique gives Lane some last minute advice which is surprisingly go down really fast, if something gets in his way turn. Yeah you can guess how that’s gonna be helpful. Also to point out that apparently Monique can ski the K-12 which begs the question what makes Stalin so awesome if anyone can ski the K-12? Anyway all I can say is that Monique should be lucky that Beth didn’t see her ski. Otherwise Beth would’ve immediately tried to get into Monique’s pants. So after another fail attempt of the K-12 we cut to a skiing montage this time. Afterwards Lane and Monique are approached by Charles informing Lane that everyone in the state of northern California have come to see this race and then leaves. Lane and Monique share a kiss as she heads off to watch the race. Lane is about to head off but has a little problem; one of his skis has a broken ski binding. Apparently Charles broke it when he unknowingly skied on it. Lane tries to fix it but gets an unexpected company; another crazy paperboy shows up and skis after him on his bike. Lane hauls ass to the K-12 on his one ski with the paperboy chasing him.
At the K-12 Stalin is about to claim himself the winner but luckily Lane shows up just in time. As the race starts Lane stumbles a bit but recovers quickly and continues on down despite with just one ski. OK I’m not if this is possible in real life but I will say that if you can ski on one ski that’s just showing off. Anyway as Lane and Stalin race the down K-12 the crazy paperboy continues to pursuit Lane for his two dollars. Stalin sees the paperboy approaching towards him but swats him off the slope with his ski pole. It’s a very close race at the final straight away until Lane crosses the finish line, winning the race. Everyone is cheering for Lane and of course Beth goes back to him….FLIP FLOPPPPPPPPPPPER! But thankfully Lane ditches the bitch as he spots Monique being drag off by Mrs. Smith and Ricky. Lane stops them but Mrs. Smith doesn’t appreciate that and has Ricky to take care of him. Lane and Ricky engaged in a ski pole fight; Ricky has the advantage charges at Lane. But Lane turns the table as he moves to the side and throws Ricky right into his mother. Lane and Monique ran back to the car and drive off; cutting back to Ricky completely distraught until a dorky girl comes along and helps him off the snow. The two start have a connection and walk off together apparently leaving his mother behind. There’s hope for this kid, yet. The film ends with Lane and Monique kissing at Dodgers Stadium (as in Los Angeles) while another crazy paperboy is rushing right towards them. Cut to Al with the garage widows repaired….again, but sadly they get damaged….again as Lane’s little brother Badger (played by Scooter Stevens) as he flies off in a homemade space shuttle. Yeah Lane has a brother whose apparently scary smart such as making a working laser gun out of a toy laser gun. There’s a scene where he orders a package on how to build your own space shuttle from household items. Anyway film’s over.
My Final Verdict: Subtle satire is the word for this film, well written, subtle satire. The humor is above average at best though I wouldn’t say it’s bad. Some of the characters are worth getting use to but not too bad overall.
It’s still early August so it’s that time again to take a small recess to get ready for this year’s Halloween special entitled Anti-Twilight Month. Stay tuned.
