OK round two, let’s do this.
We open on a mansion where we see a rather flamboyant manservant Sebastian (played by Cleavon Little) preparing a refreshing blood martini (shaking, not stirred) for the Countess (played by Lauren Hutton). However, she’s not very pleased that it isn’t virgin. Apparently to retain her youth she must drink the blood of a virgin three times before Halloween but given that it’s the 20th century finding a virgin is easier said than done. I really don’t see the problem she can just easily feed on children they’re usually virgins. Hell one of her vampire lackeys practically recommends as such but that’s too much of a high road for the Countess. You know if you need virgin blood to retain your youth you’re really in no position to be so picky. Cut to a drive-in where we’re introduced to Mark Kendall (played by Jim Carrey) and his girlfriend Robin Pierce (played by Karen Kopins). Mark wants to have sex but Robin doesn’t want to in an ice cream truck; I mean it’s not like she can just tell him to drive her home and fuck there. Also she wants it to be something special for them; remember that because there’s a scene at the end that makes what she said extremely pointless. Now before I move on let me be clear on one thing I WILL not be referencing nor make points about the “Friend Zone”. It’s a really stupid term that’s no more than shameful profiling that needs to go fuck off. So whatever goes on between Mark and Robin I’ll be looking at it from the unbiased perspective of a film critic not a social hipster fuckhead. Mark is disappointed and gets out of the ice cream truck in time to witness the magical moment of people fucking. I don’t know about him but I would be a bit uncomfortable seeing other people around me having sex.
Cut to next day Mark meets up with his friends Jamie (played by Thomas Ballatore) and Russ (played by Skip Lackey) at a burger stand. Mark suggests that maybe he should have sex with a stranger therefore he won’t get all this pressure with Robin. Russ recommends that the three of them should check out the bars in Hollywood for some action. Now you’re probably saying that Mark is being an unfaithful asshole by going behind Robin’s back like this. And you’re probably right, but in his defense it’s not like he’s dumping Robin for a bimbo to fuck 24/7. I mean he still loves her it’s just that sex can be a pain in the ass on peer pressure; especially when you’re in high school. Anyway cut to a driving in the city montage of the horny trio, while at the same time are being followed by the Countess’s lackeys. The three stop at the Phone-A-Date bar; later on their table gets a call from a woman at the bar asking for Mark to come over. Mark nervously complies and we find out that it’s the Countess. Russ and Jamie are having a conversation with two women until one of their husbands show up and is mistaken one of the boys as this Chester guy. Russ notices the husband carrying a gun and shouts in panic; the husband pulls out the gun but is stopped by a bouncer. I would make a Road House joke but sadly I got nothing…..DAMN IT! In the panic Mark and the Countess leave the bar before the cops show up; Countess insists Mark to come with her and he does. Russ and Jamie are left behind ending up getting arrested; hey guys try not to drop the soap now.
Countess and Mark arrived at her mansion; Mark makes himself at home while the Countess slips into something more comfortable. A little bit later the two are talking until Countess starts going down on him seductively. Biting the buttons off his shirt and (off screen) undoing his pants; she must have strong teeth if she can bite off shirt buttons. Mark gets incredibly nervous of what’s happening but that nervousness stops when he gives out a loud OW! Cut to Sebastian talking to the other vampires that they will have a new recruit, apparently after the Countess gets her fill of virgin blood that virgin becomes her undead wards. Cut back to Countess watching over the unconscious Mark, with his pants around his ankles. Could someone get the rape horn? Mark wakes up in confusion not remembering much of what happened; Countess simply lies and sends him on home stating that she’ll see him in his dreams. And yes that was foreshadowing. The following morning at school changes started to set in as Mark asked for an uncooked burger patty at the school cafeteria. Mark sits with Russ and Jamie and the two asked what went on with him and the Countess. But just like last night with the Countess, Mark doesn’t remember what happened. Unfortunately Robin is sitting right behind him hearing everything Mark said and leaves. Mark follows her trying to explain but only makes it worst with the lack of member of last night and all that. More changes are slowly happening to Mark as we cut to his bedroom as his father enters the room only to find him sleeping in a trunk. Dude you’re gonna get some serious back problems sleeping like that; yeah you’re becoming a vampire but still. His father tells him that his mother is getting worried seeing him looking rather pale. Mark keeps telling him that he’s fine; so his father simply tells him to get some goodnights sleep…..on the bed. Cut to Mark sleeping as he’s having a dream of himself and the Countess at a restaurant. The two kiss romantically; the dream ends with Mark feeling spooked when he sees blood bleeding out from the Countess’s mouth.
Back at school Mark approaches Robin trying his best to apologize for the other night. Eventually she gives him and all is given; even a small group of students are applauding to this touchy scene. Later Mark drops Russ and Jamie off at a local laundry mat for them to pick up potential dates and goofy antics ensures. Russ gets the attention of one woman but she turns out to be kind of a dominatrix; having him panicking and backing away from her. Jamie was talking to other woman only to get thrown in a dryer in the next scene. And time must past a lot faster in a dryer because when Russ pulls him out his clothes shrank a little. Mark meets up with Robin at a clothing store where she works. Mark goes into a changing room to try some black jeans while Robin goes off to find some shirts for him to try. But little does Mark know he’s getting a surprise visit from the Countess. Mark gets confused as he keeps looking back at the changing room mirror seeing no reflection of the Countess. Robin returns with some sweaters but Countess keeps throwing them back out. Mark keeps telling the Countess to leave him alone but she’s very persistent. Meanwhile Robin is standing outside the changing room listening on Mark; apparently she believes Mark is telling her to leave him alone and she just walks away. Robin must have bad hearing because how can she not see hear the Countess despite she’s talking on the same level as Mark. Anyway the Countess makes her move towards Mark successfully got her second transfusion. Robin hears Mark screaming in pain and quickly walks back to the changing room only to find him on the ground past out but he slowly recovers. Back at his home Mark is getting rather irritating of how bright it is in the kitchen as his mom is fixing breakfast. Mark is in a hurry so he mistakenly drinks a cup of blood drained from a pack of ground beef instead of his orange juice. And his parents just stand there and watch in confusion as Mark leaves the kitchen.
Later at his ice cream truck a couple of kids show up asking for ice cream. Mark go gets some ice cream but when turns towards the kids he gives out a scary vampire hiss face and the kids ran off in fright. Mark is confused of what happened goes into a nearby church for guidance. He goes into one of the confession booths however; he ends up confessing to a homeless drunk who just walked in the main booth. So the only yet funny advice he got from the drunk is this. “Get yourself a shovel, you’re in deep shit”. Back at his place Mark is dreaming of Robin while he is a vampire; the dream ends with him draining Robin dry killing her as the Countess laughs manically. The next night Mark and Robin are going to the Halloween dance at their school; people keep complimenting Mark’s vampire costume ever though he’s not wearing a costume. The two start dancing until SURPRISE the Countess cuts in and she and Mark are dancing. Robin just about had enough of her cuts in, practically cock-blocking the Countess. This breaks out into a rather impressive dance-off sequence with the song Hands Off playing which makes sense of what’s happening. And I gotta give credit to Jim Carrey’s comedic performance in this scene. Eventually Robin wins this little dance-off and the Countess gets pissed and leaves. Mark is announced as winner of the costume contest but he gets upset and leaves when they mistake him that he’s wearing a vampire costume. Robin catches up to him in the school hallway trying to calm him down; the two are hugging but Mark looks at a mirror and sees his reflection disappearing. Mark panics and points Robin to the mirror but she sees his reflection. Mark starts to believe that the Countess is a vampire and she’s turning him into one. Robin doesn’t quite believe that but stands in shock as she looks back to the mirror and sees Mark’s reflection gone.
The next day Robin is at a bookstore looking up any information on vampires, specifically female vampires. She finds out that most female vampires need to drink the blood of a virgin in order to maintain their youth and beauty. She also learns how to know if the virgin was bitten by looking for two bite marks on their inner thigh right near their um…….happy place. Later Robin approached Russ and Jamie to have them search Mark’s inner thighs for two little sores. Russ and Jamie are rather unease by this request but they comply; and more goofy antics ensures. Cut to the boys’ locker room Russ and Jamie are with Mark trying to find the sores and of course they’re not being so subtle. They follow Mark to the showers to try again; Russ drops the soap to duck down and look up Mark’s legs. Now what did I just said about not dropping the soap? Russ grabs Mark from behind allowing Jamie to grabs one of Mark’s legs. This doesn’t go so well as the other boys see what’s going on and scream in a homophobic panic as they run away. Now I personal don’t condone homophobia; though I do find it hilarious. Later at the burger stand Russ and Jamie are a bit demoralized of what happened earlier; Robin is walking to the burger stand but is approached by Sebastian. Mark shows at the stand asking what was with the prison rape scene as Jamie describes it. Mark then sees Robin talking to Sebastian then entering the limo; Mark runs after them but Sebastian already drives off. Mark and the others head off to the Countess’s mansion to save Robin. They sneak into a window to the basement; Robin is bound and gagged to a chair as Mark and the others free her. All four of them are almost scott free but are cornered by the Countess’s lackeys.
The Countess holds a ceremony the “Holy Third”; basically strap Mark to a BDSM chair and takes her third transfusion. Could she just have her lackeys hold him and take a quick bite? Why the subtle dramatics all of a sudden? And she sure is taken her sweet time for this one last bite. Anyway Robin and the others stop her and free Mark. He and Robin make a run for it while Russ and Jamie hold off the vampires for the moment. The film breaks into a chase sequence of the vampires going after Mark and Robin. We cut back to Russ and Jamie sweet talking the two female vampires that stayed behind. Wow even in a life and death situation these guys are still trying to score. I don’t know if I find that impressive or sad, maybe both. Anyway somehow the female vamps take interest in Russ and Jamie that they strip naked in front of them. Now these guys should be lucky that one of these vamps isn’t Mathilda May, just saying. And also, HEY TWILIGHT FUCK YOUR FORBIDDEN LOVE BULLSHIT! Mark and Robin ended up at the vampires’ sleeping quarters and barricade the doors. Countess and the other vampires break into the sleeping quarters only to find one around. But are taken notices of one of the coffins getting rather bumpy; one of the vamps opens the coffin to find Mark and Robin finally having sex. Hey now you know the rules, if it’s rocking don’t come a knocking. So with Mark no longer a virgin and Halloween has come at the stroke of midnight. The Countess starts to age into an old woman not knowing if she’ll ever find other virgin. The film ends with Mark (now back to normal) and Robin going back to their coffin sex; no offense but you’re gonna get some serious leg cramps.
My Final Verdict: This film has some decent humor, kind of dumb but harmless type of humor. There are even a couple scenes with Sebastian that results gay humor that aren’t insulting or extremely stereotyped. The performance of Jim Carrey is most impressive even when put in a situation about vampires he plays it off straight at times and comedic when necessary. At least his performance is not as off-putting as Nick Cage in Vampire’s Kiss. Let’s just say that Nick Cage and horror just don’t mix all that well. COUGH….THE WICKER MAN……COUGH! And let’s go ahead chalk up another film that has established consistent rules about vampires better than Twilight. And this film is a comedy for crying out loud.
I think I’m done with horror comedy for now so let’s look at some regular 80s comedy. Next time it’s Better Off Dead, stay tuned.
