New Years Eve Review 2013

Well as 2013 is coming to a close I'll just give an overall review of films I've seen this year.

World's End: My god the humor is flipping endlessly hilarious, just non-stop comedy at its best.

Elysium: It was a fun film was pretty much watching a video game movie just less made of stupid.

The Wolverine: It was pretty good the fight scenes are better and the story wasn't a slapped together glob of plotholes.

Pacific Rim: I'll put it like this....Gundam, Macross, Voltron.....MAKE THESE FILMS HAPPEN! If Guillermo Del Toro can get giant robots right then just maybe there is hope.

This Is The End: It's not bad really it's one of those "shut off your brain" films. Most of the comedy in it are pretty funny and you really don't wanna mess with a fire ax wielding Emma Watson. Just throwing that out there.

Iron Man 3: Worth watching however, I think The Mandarin really didn't need to be in the film given how the film actually plays out differently from the trailer. But I understand why the film went this way so I'm not that disappointed, surprised and confused but not disappointed. And Also Pepper Potts is a bad ass so there's that to forward to.

Oblivion: It's rather a good looking film.

Evil Dead 2013: Despite my personal protest I went to see it and........................it's really good........it didn't piss me off I enjoy it. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW GUYS?

G.I. Joe Retaliation:.....FRAKING A, it's like they took the flaws from the first movie and improved them. As much as I like the first movie this one is AWESOME.

Man of Steel: I feel I owe this film an apology. I have no words of how amazing Man of Steel, Zach Snyder in his own prerogative does his best representation of Superman. Where as Superman Returns fails because of how Bryan Singer tries to emulate what Richard Donner did.

The Film Vindicator Review: Bones

And welcome back everyone let’s take a look at Bones. Open with a man running away from a dog hauling ass back to his place. The man makes it to his place heading up stairs; armed with a rifle (which looks more like a bb gun) the man fires at the dog but doesn’t fazes it at all. Holy crap it’s Zuul. Cut to two guys arriving in front of a house for a drug deal. They meet up with two other guys and are told to look for the drugs behind a loose brick at the side of the house. As soon as they found the drugs they hear their car alarm go off and quickly run back but are spotted by the cops. The two decided to run into the house trying to hide from them. One cop goes in after them but the other cop being very insist keeps telling him there’s no one in the house and the two leave. Believing that they’re now safe, the two guys look around the place until one of them is attacked and bitten by the “Zuul” dog. Not wanting to hang around any longer, the two were about leave until they saw a dark shadow appearing on wall. The make a run towards the door and made it on the front porch; the man with the rifle sees them out the window trying to warn them to get away from the house. They ignore his warning and the two get a ZUUL MOTHERFUCKERS ZUUL as they are drag back into house and are mauled to death. Cut to next day we’re introduced to Patrick Peet (played by Khalil Kain), his step-sister Tia Peet (played by Katharine Isabelle), his brother Bill Peet (played by Merwin Mondesir) and Maurice (played by Sean Amsing) who have arrived at Zuul’s house. Apparently they want to start an indie nightclub at the obviously haunted house. Yeah $50 bucks saying that things are gonna go bat shit for these guys. It turns out this house use to belong to a Jimmy Bones which the name sounds familiar to Patrick. Apparently Jimmy Bones was some big neighborhood heart of gold person back in the 70s. They continue inspecting the house; Patrick finds the furnace and switches it on. Tia is looking around the house and gets spooked by the Zuul dog; she feeds it with a burger and we see a ghostly POV zooming to a locked door in the basement. And behind the locked door we zoom to a shallow grave; later the teens are leaving the house along with the Zuul dog which Tia names it Bones. The man with the rifle yells out the window warning the teens to shoot the dog. Of course they completely ignore his warning and are about to head out; they’re approached by some woman named Pearl (played by Pam Grier) and her daughter Cynthia (played by Bianca Lawson) warning them not to feed the dog. Saying something that some hungers can’t be satisfied and the dog will only get even hungrier. And with that Patrick and Maurice decided to help woman and daughter with their groceries. OK some crazy comes up to you and says crazy things to you and your first reaction is to help with the groceries. Kind of a stalker move if you ask me besides they’re only carrying three small bags it’s not like they’re carrying armfuls of groceries. Patrick seems to look familiar to the woman and she asks him if he was from the neighborhood. Patrick tells her that he was born in the neighborhood but him and his father moved out when his mother died. Cut to Patrick and the others return to their parents’ house where we’re introduced to their father Jeremiah Peet (played by Clifton Powell) who gets spooked by the dog when Tia calls it by its name. This triggers Jeremiah to have a flashback where he and Jimmy Bones were talking about some deal that would move them to the top. But Jimmy doesn’t want that and prefers to stay with the neighborhood. The flashback ends with Jeremiah looking at an officer Lupovich (played by Michael T. Weiss) as we transition to present day Lupovich talking to Eddie Mack (played by Ricky Harris). They make their business deal and Lupovich leaves but soon stops when Eddie asked why Jeremiah sold Jimmy’s house.

Cut to Jeremiah’s place where he gets a knock on the door and it’s Lupovich. Lupovich asked why he sold Jimmy’s house but Jeremiah wasn’t aware that the house was bought. Lupovich is worried but Jeremiah is confident that no one won’t find anything that would trace back to them. The next day we see the teens renovating the house; Patrick is approached by Cynthia and the two of them start connecting. Cut to Pearl’s place where she’s talking to Cynthia telling her to stay away the house. Pearl gets a flashback to where she and Jimmy was a couple; Pearl reads Jimmy’s palms and notice a line crossing his lifeline. Indicating that something bad may happen to Jimmy and ask him not to go to the meeting with Jeremiah but he refuses to listen and the flashback ends. Later despite her mother’s warning Cynthia returns to the house; Patrick and the others find a small pool of blood. Hope it’s not Chris’s blood. They go to the basement to check the plumbing only to find blood dripping out of a pipe. Watch Evil Dead much? They found the locked door which leads further down after they open it; they come upon nothing until the Zuul dog uncovers the remains of Jimmy Bones. Tia wants to call the police but the others wish to wait until after their nightclub premieres otherwise they won’t get the permit if they call the cops. Maurice plays the douchebag card by taking Jimmy’s ring from his literally cold dead hand. Cut to Patrick and Cynthia connecting further until they start making out until Cynthia wanted to stop. Cut back to Pearl’s place where she’s having a séance with her customers. Meanwhile Cynthia is sleeping in one of the rooms at Jimmy’s house; a figure enters the room sleeping next to Cynthia while she thinks it’s Patrick. The figure starts groping Cynthia until she starts feeling uncomfortable; sudden she’s being smothered by bed sheets. Meanwhile Pearl breaks into a seizure seeing mental images; she finally snaps out while Cynthia breaks free from the bed sheets. Pearl arrives at the house to get Cynthia warning the teens one last time to get out. Cut to next day the teens have completed the renovation and are ready to open their nightclub Illbient. Patrick brings over his father to show him the nightclub; upon arriving Jeremiah is bothered that his son brought the same house he kept under wraps. He’s not all please of what Patrick is doing which is trying to bring a positive light to his father’s old neighborhood. They continue arguing until Jeremiah spots Pearl and the man with the rifle which triggers another flashback. In the flashback Jimmy is at the meeting with Jeremiah, Eddie and Lupovich with Shotgun (played by Ronald Selmour) (the man with the rifle) as Jimmy’s bodyguard. Jeremiah and the others want to bring in drugs in the neighborhood to make big money but Jimmy doesn’t want drugs come ruining the neighborhood so he refuses the offer. Eddie and Lupovich don’t agree with Jimmy’s decision and holds him and and Shotgun at gunpoint. They force Jimmy to try out they drug ending up getting really high for a first timer. Soon after Pearl arrives, Jimmy tries to fight them off with his switchblade but gets shot by Lupovich then he and Eddie both shoots him. Lupovich being a dirty cop devise a plan for all of them to stab him; make look like self-defense. Eddie and Jeremiah stabbed Jimmy with his own switchblade; Lupovich forces Shotgun to stab him. Lupovich then forces Pearl to stab Jimmy she hesitates but Jimmy lunges on to his knife and dies. Lupovich rips off Pearl’s bloody dress and has it buried along with Jimmy Bones. Cut back to present time as the Illbient open and booming; Cynthia shows up and she and Patrick started dancing together. Maurice is on stage as the club’s DJ until he spots a beautiful woman; he asked Bill to take over so he can handle some business. Maurice finds her in a room only to get a ZUUL MOTHERFUCKER ZUUL surprise as the woman turns into the Zuul dog and chows down on him. As he’s being eaten alive his flesh is being transfer to Jimmy’s retains reconstructing itself. Apparently this film watches Hellraiser as well. Anyway cut to Bill calling for Patrick to go check on Maurice; Patrick goes looking for him but finds Maurice dead. Patrick makes a run for it but gets knock down by the Zuul dog. The Zuul dog then pukes maggots all over Patrick, turns into vapor then goes enter the reconstructed body of Jimmy Bones. Jimmy Bones of Earth RISE……had to say it. Back on the dance floor maggots are raining from ceiling causing people to panic and run out of the club. Jimmy puts the flames out in the furnace, breaks light bulb then flips a light switch causing a gas explosion. Amongst the chaos Patrick runs back downstairs and heads out of the house along with Cynthia, Bill and Tia. Jimmy heads to the room where Maurice got eaten and kindly takes back his ring. Hey karma fairy nice to see you again. Outside as the house burns down Pearl stands in shock as she sees the now relived Jimmy before he disappears.

Back at Pearl’s she revealed to Cynthia that Jimmy Bones is her father and you know the drill insert your own Empire Strikes Back joke here. Later at Shotgun’s place he’s visited by Jimmy whose very upset that Shotgun didn’t died with him or died trying. Shotgun shoots him but gets his throat cut and bleeds to death as Jimmy sings to him. Cut to Eddie’s place where he’s done having sex with a hooker; the hooker walks off and Eddie later follows but finds her dead in a garbage can. Eddie is confronted by Jimmy and starts shooting but with no affect. Jimmy telekinetically throws mirror shards at Eddie pinning him against the wall then cuts he head off. This leads up to a rather hilarious scene of Jimmy carrying the talking head of Eddie Mack. Meanwhile Lupovich gets a call from “Eddie” to meet him at some location; Lupovich goes to this location and finds a pile of drugs. He is confronted by Jimmy and with a sense of irony gets forced to smoke a drug and his mouth is sealed shut. Jimmy places Lupovich on a hook starts gutting him like an overweight fish. Cut to Pearl and Cynthia arriving at Jeremiah trying to warn him but they arrive too late as Jeremiah is taken by Jimmy. Jeremiah and the talking heads of Eddie and Lupovich are taken to Jimmy’s house which became some gateway to a city of the dead since his death. One at a time Jimmy throws Jeremiah, Eddie and Lupovich into this gateway. Patrick, Cynthia, Pearl and Bill show up at Jimmy’s house; Pearl believes that Jimmy’s blood is a conduit that’s keeping him alive and that getting rid of the blood will kill him. They enter through the cellar door to where Jimmy’s remains are buried only to find it missing along with Pearl’s blood stained dress. An elevator comes down to the cellar and Pearl enters on in being separated from Patrick and the others. She ends up in the same room where Jimmy died as he awaits for her. Patrick and the others climb up the elevator shaft and made it to the first floor of the house which looks more like Satan’s TARDIS. They head upstairs and come across “Maurice”; Bill follows “Maurice” while Patrick and Cynthia just stand there. Hey Patrick you know Maurice is dead right? And I’m pretty sure Bill knows that he’s dead I mean you did told him right? Even Cynthia knows this as she just said “that’s not Maurice”. So instead of standing there like idiots how about you two go stop him. No…..you’re not gonna stop him Patrick you just gonna let your own brother go off and get killed. OK….asshole. And like so Bill dies by being torn apart by ghostly figures as Patrick and Cynthia run off trying to save him. Yeah assholes you’re a little late to even give two shits about your own flesh and blood. When they made it to where Jimmy and Pearl are Cynthia goes to join her family. Patrick is about to attack Jimmy but ends up in a stranglehold by Jimmy. Pearl while in the bloody dress snaps out of her trace grabs a candle and sets herself on fire. Jimmy lets go of Patrick and runs to embrace the burning Pearl dying together. With the bloody dress destroyed the city of the dead starts to crumble while Patrick and Cynthia make their way out of the place. The film ends with the two made it outside but only for Patrick getting a surprise as Cynthia gives an evil look and pukes maggots towards the camera.

My Final Verdict: Though this film maybe silly I wouldn’t say it’s terrible; at least it’s not as terrible as Jennifer’s Body. And at least Snoop Dogg makes some effort of being scary whereas Megan Fox from Jennifer’s Body still acts like an airhead fuckwit after she becomes a demon. The dialogues aren’t as jaded and stupid as Steel and the performance are OK at best.

Well folks as this review is over 2013 is soon to be coming to a close so I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Stay tuned for 2014 as we drive into The Host and sadly I’m not referring to the 2006 South Korean one.