Hey everyone sorry for the long silence my work life has been getting the best of me but I hope things smooth out for the better. Now on with the show.
Remember now horror films were back in the day, how they used to be? Gory, scary, bloody, brilliant; as if the filmmaker held nothing back because he's not a flipping pansy. Well now in the days of shitty remakes all these classic horror films are remade into pussified garbage. And the 1996/1997 remake of Humanoids from the Deep is NO different. We start off with a group of soldiers ready to open fire on a large container concealing a rather pissed off "something". Apparently they're reenacting the "firing at the jungle" scene from Predator; they even took the liberty of burning the container with flamethrowers. But unfortunately the something breaks out and escapes through the sewers. Well what did you expect considering that container itself is made of plywood no serious you can see edges of where the thing broke out. You can just smell the painful stench of cheapness from this film. We cut to our main character Wade Parker (played Robert Carradine NERRRRRRRRRD) arriving at a fishing factory that's being protest for dicking around with the fish or something. They're not being really specific on what but it would seem that this factory has been artificially growing fish with hormones and this is unacceptable to Wade. He tries getting his boss Bill Taylor (played by Mark Rolston) to put a stop to this but I got a feeling that this guy could maybe a complete asshole. Later at Wade's house his daughter Kim (played by Danielle Weeks) is about to go out on date and apparently it's one of the protesters from the factory Matt (played by Justin Walker) which he immediately recognizes. Kim and Matt hang out at a lake and the two began kissing until they hear a growling noise and somehow these two do the incredibly smart thing by driving away from growling noise. OK I'll give this film one point for that and it's probably the only good thing this film offers. The next day we cut to a fishing boat where something gets caught in the fishing net; unfortunately it isn't Jaws but it is something just as worst. The fisherman and a young boy tries to pull in the net while underwater the creature struggles to get free causing the net to snap loose. The snap causes the young boy to fall overboard and the creature kills him at least I think it kills the boy we see it but judging by the blood in the water he's pretty much dead. The boy's mother jumps off the boat trying to save him but gets pulled underwater by the creature. After a pointless scene at a morgue where an autopsy of the boy took place; I mean this scene is EXTREMELY pointless where apparently this town is not used to having more than one shark. The next scene we see Bill having his lackeys to illegally dump chemicals into the ocean. Out in the ocean while dumping the chemicals, the lackeys were followed and caught on camera by Matt and the other protesters. As the protesters leave the lackeys get an unwelcome guest as the creature breaks into the boat through the haul causing gas leaking in the belly of the boat. The first lackey goes down to the belly to look around but gets kill off by the creature the second lackey goes down and almost gets kill but drops he cigarette on to the gas causing the boat go KABOOM.
I'm skipping a few scenes because they're really pointless, we cut to nighttime at a cabin where Kim, Matt, and the other protesters are hanging out on a shore. While at the shore Bill and some more lackeys sneaked into the cabin looking for the video tape with no prevail and leave; Kim and others all strip naked and go out skinny dipping until SURPRISE there's more than one creature. They all get pulled underwater except for Matt who swims in place doing NOTHING, ugh scream for help dude…go get a gun….GO SAVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. OK do nothing to help your friends.....asshole. Later Wade gets a call from the police that Kim has gone missing and immediately heads to the station. Matt tells the police everything what happened but giving the deducing skills of the cops so far is most embarrassing they don't believe him and either does Wade. We cut Wade about to leave from a bar until sees a couple being attack by one of the creatures. Wade managed to save...ish the two couples I say ish because the boyfriend's leg is chewed off and eventually dies at the hospital again ish. Back at Matt's cabin Bill and the others are about to blow up the cabin when Wade arrives and saves Matt before the dynamite goes off. Wade and Matt get patched up at the hospital and they run into a Dr Drake (played by Emma Samms) who you may have noticed from before impersonating as a reporter. However she's really a scientist who use to work for a genetics lab GRL whom wanted to test out a new genetic process she developed but she refused therefore confiscated her research. She further explains that GRL have took five Death Row inmates and injected them with a genetic code gathered from different species of fish basically creating amphibious super soldiers. But unfortunately the inmates rapidly mutated into what they are now and are surviving on the chemicals Bill has been dumping in the ocean. So the whole "Humanoids from the Deep" is a big fat lie since the "Humanoids" were basically Death Row inmates who got their genetics all fucked up. At least in the original when the origins of the humanoids is explained the title itself truly serves its purpose and makes far more sense back then. They should have renamed this film "Humanoids from an Evil Genetics Lab". Drake needs physical evidence that creatures exist to bring forth to government before they can do anything. At Bill's place his wife who's looking for her dog outside is taken by one of the creatures before Bill comes out looking for his wife only to find the dog's dismembered head. Later in town one of the cops noticed a manhole cover flipping open and calls for back up. Wade, Matt, and Drake are listening in on a police scanner (which they spontaneously have somehow) to the call and Wade and Matt go off to gather weapons. The two cops go into the sewer and are immediately attacked one of the creatures, one cop gets injured while the other cop opens fire with no effect. The cop gets rescued by Wade by shooting a flaming spear to the creature from a shotgun....let me repeat that Wade fired a flaming spear with a shotgun. I'm not exaggerating you can clearly see Wade holding a shotgun so I find it highly implausible for a shotgun to fire spears, the gun itself would've just blown off in his hands or not even fire. Anyway Matt douses the creature with gasoline setting it ablaze for the creature to burn to death. Later after a live news report (which brings the government to get off their ass), Wade, Matt, and Drake regroup at the bar where miraculously the boy's mother from earlier appears at the bar but something’s a bit off. The mother starts spasming out and is place on a table, she continues to spasm until her stomach starts to grow rapidly to the point that a creature half-breed infant rips through her stomach (which kills the mother) and crawls out of the bar.
Apparently it's established that these creatures are taken the women to mate and impregnate them. It's obvious that this is film building up tension for the protagonists to find the woman before they’re impregnated but honestly it’s pointless and well telegraphed. Especially for those who have seen the original you know how these creatures behave; when they see a woman nearby they immediately rape and impregnate her. They not being picky on the time and place to impregnate human women, what this film is trying to do is building a rather half ass payoff that (SPOILERS) one of these woman are pregnant. Despite the film not showing any of the women being raped/impregnated but were lead to believe that may have just sadly not in a convincing way either. I mean looking back on the boy's mother does she look like she's been raped at all? She has no bruises, no scratches, or nothing not even her clothes were ripped off she just gives a violent birth fully clothed. As if one of the creatures must have pulled her panties to the side impregnates her and called it a day that's it. Yes the original established the same thing but the payoff there was done WAY better and a bit scarier than remake. Whereas here they really try to get around the whole rape thing but still try to pull off the creature half-breed pregnancy thing. Now I'm not saying to just show some rape but just some physical proof that the rape from these creatures have happened. Show the raped/impregnated women all bruised and bloody or have them nude or have their clothes all torn up. And despite that some of the women here are nude and none of them (except for one) weren't even raped. Seriously film convince me that these women were raped and impregnated because right now I'm not and I have seen better films that women are raped and impregnated by dangerous creatures than this. But hey that's pussified remakes for you, OK I think I bitched enough moving on. The next day Wade, Matt, and Drake head out to the ocean shoreline locate the creatures' nest to rescue the women; they spot a military convoy arriving at a beach. Upon arriving at the beach Matt spots a one of the taken women on shore who has been dead after the birth. And this scene really pissed me off to no end, the film tries to build suspense that the woman could be Kim (but it's not) by having Matt not saying a damn thing when Wade keeps asking is it her. The woman turns out to be one of Matt's protester friends, wasn't it really that hard for him to identify one of his friends and easily say no is not her? Is Matt really that dumb or is it this film being lazy on suspense? Wade and Drake come up with plan to lure one of these creatures in order to tag one with and track it back to the nest and to lure them out they need help from Bill with the chemicals the creatures survive on. The plan seems to work but goes awry when one of the creatures grabs Drake and pulls her underwater; Matt fires the tracker gun and manages to get tag it. They try to follow it but it turns out he tagged a dolphin....FAIL. Later Wade, Matt, and Bill regroup at the bar and they noticed a news report on a TV about a festival at a pier, Bill recalls that he has been dumping chemical near that area. This gives them the idea that the creatures will show up there and the three head off immediately. And here comes the ultimate facepalm of your life, we cut to the pier where the festival and you begin to have a feeling that this scene looks so familiar. Haven't figure it out yet here let me help almost shot for shot this scene is stock footage from the original film....yeah. Even when the creatures start attacking some of the shoots are stock footage RIGHT OUT FROM THE ORIGINAL. So yes they did took footages from the original remastered them and spliced into this film. Seriously if you setup two TVs have the original playing on one TV and have the remake playing on the other you can see the exact same shots. Even without the scenes with the creatures raping the women at the festival they're still the same flipping scenes. Do you know what I call this I mean what I REALLY call this....LAZIEST FILM-MAKING EVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! Was the budget really that shitty to make new scenes; was the director really that lazy to the point of splicing in stock footage from the original?
Anyway Wade, Matt, Bill arrived at the festival and found one of the creatures in a fun house, they manage to tag it and follow it back to the nest. They arrive at a shore where the nest is in an underwater cavern however, the military is planning to blow it up. Plot Convenience Faerie comes calling and Wade and Matt see two soldiers leaving two scuba gears just lying around. We cut to Wade and Matt diving to the cavern, found Drake, and Kim and the other women in some cocoon. They break them out as the creatures show up, Wade and Matt managed to fight them and escape out of the cavern. With seconds left to spare they all swim out of the cavern before the bombs go off killing the creatures for good. The next day at the hospital the women are check back negative for pregnancy and everything is back to normal....OR NOT! The film ends with a shocking surprise when the doctor receives word from one of the nurses that one of the pregnancy test came back false positive and it none other than Drake who's pregnant with a creature half breed baby. Her stomach starts growing begins to burst and the film cuts to black. Yeah that would've been a shocker ending if I didn't see it coming from a mile away and of course if we saw Drake getting impregnated. And how exactly do you screw up a pregnancy test so bad especially with the possibility one of these women could be pregnant with a raping killing mutant fetus? LAME!
My Final Verdict: This is the most laziest neutered remake I've ever seen in my life. The payoffs are underwhelming, and the plot-points are pathetically predictable and telegraphed. Some of those plot-points have ZERO resolution in the end and worst of all this film is almost tame. Despite a few blood, belly bursts, nudity, and head dismemberments this film is horribly tame. If you remove the nudity from this film it is so tame that if you put it on the Lifetime Channel or ABC Family Channel NOTHING WILL GET EDIT OUT. You put this film on these channels and absolutely no one won't get offended, pissed off, or freak the fuck out about it. This is why most people HATE horror remakes, the point of remakes is to take a bad film and remake it into a good film. NOT TAKE A GOOD FILM AND REMAKE IT INTO A SOLID GOLD PUSSIFIED BLUNDER-FUCK MESS OF A FILM!
OK I had enough of this film next time I'm review another remake A GOOD ONE this time around. Stay tuned as we look into the 2004 remake Flight of the Phoenix.
